Can you really know me
If you don't know the darkness I've seen?
If you don't understand
Why it's so hard for me to sleep?
Or how I have to fight back tears
When I hear someone yelling?
Can you ever truly see me
If I don't show you what's behind me?
The childhood trauma boxed up neat
Until it spills across the floor of my insides
I keep the doors locked mostly
But locks don't prevent earthquakes
And sometimes, the ground shakes and
Frees memories to pool and suffocate
I've thought about speaking them but
Something inside says it's not bad enough
That no one will understand or see me
They'll just judge me as weak
"I'll give you something to cry about"
Hurled at a traumatized body

I don't want you to see me
Because you could call it sensitivity
And overlook the senseless violence
That comes with surveillance, intimidation
To share this pain is too risky
Because so much of it is crazy-making
I can take a punch no problem
It's the other stuff that broke me deeply
Expectations perfectionistic and unrealistic
Task repetition into sleep deprivation
Fear flooding my system so entirely
I chose to **** myself over interrupting her
Every week she made me grab the scale
No matter the result, I know I'll fail
If I gain weight then I'm lazy trash
A decrease? muscle weighs more than fat
And when she found out that I hated myself
She had the nerve to act confused
Asking if I know that I'm beautiful
Like I should love this body that could only lose.

She controlled everything
From how I wore my hair
To the clothes on my body.
Forced to speed walk around the park
I was so afraid of her and her rage
I never told her people made fun of me.
She made every decision
Not only what I ate
But how much too.
I'd learn to eat fast like she wanted
Trying to finish what she gave me
It didn't matter that it was too much.
Despite my attempts at compliance
I often threw up before I could finish
And she'd scream about that too.

In the mornings at home I'd wait in dread
To see who would come to get me
Whether my mother or she were driving.
With her, the entire ride home
I had to recite Everything I did at home
Starting over at any detail missed.
From snacks to bathroom breaks
Over and over I repeated and forgot
Never able to remember it all like she could.

Sometimes neighbors were concerned
Picking fights, they'd bring me up
With pride she'd say I'm just like her.
From love to hate she'd shift
Moods vacillating so fast
It'd give anyone whiplash.
Once a neighbor reported her for hitting me
But the police knew of neighborhood feuds
No one ever asked me about it.

I learned to move around silently
Rushing to get outside the house
Before she could wake up and yell at me.
She'd scream so close to my face
I'd be showered in her spit
Trying to stop the tears from betraying me.
I'd watch two grown adults fist fighting
Being threatened not to cry
And failing anyway.

A no phone rule meant forced isolation
When I brought my iPod in my backpack
She stole it and never gave it back.
School was solace in those weeks
And I'd try to lose myself in reading
Anything to escape experiencing reality.
Sometimes she sent me to sleep very early
Other nights she kept me up well into the morning
Redoing tasks until she deemed it done right.
Alone in bed at night
I'd stare into the glowing clock
Counting down my time
Consumed by shame
And the deepest desire to die.

So can you really know me if you never see
That this is the history that haunts me
In the face of insanity there is no winning
So what's the point of it being seen?

Sweet baby kitten
Veiled in black cat energy
I find home in your hazel eyes
As you share your soul with me

Wrapped into my arms
We fit together so perfectly
I'll hold you steady and safe
In our knot of sacred unity

Gentle forehead kisses
And laughing uncontrollably
I fall more in love with you
Building these sweet core memories

No thoughts are off limits
We've made safety a priority
Gay talks in blanket forts
Sharing our souls so vulnerably

Our connection is a precious gift
Grown from honor, trust, and empathy
You're all I never knew I needed
And I'll love you for all eternities

I'll kiss you until my lips are raw
Devotion and passion as if to god
I'll worship your body with every movement
And give you my soul like it's sacrament

Hallways of stone
My knees scrape against the cold lifeless floor
As condensation soaks into the fabric of my existence
I came looking for you and I found myself
Lost
Fallen before a door, densely metallic
No one in, no one out
There used to be light here once.
We could move through pathways freely
Tracing the space between our selves
Settling in one another with fluidity.

I am here alone now.

I write you letters often
Little invitations to return
Back to a place we used to be
Back when I could find you here
There was resistance then too
But you opened the door if I knocked enough
Fists pleading with steel gates
My hands are broken now
They were broken before but
Now
I stopped to bandage them

Do your walls have windows?
Can you still see me here?
Desperately craving connection
Hoping for a moment to see you
To feel your soul's energy again
For this hallway to hold life once more
Or am I invisible without the sound?
Without the pushing and fighting,
Do I cease to exist?

I know this isn't about me
Things are not that simplistic
But I thought
I taught you
How to love me


I tell you I feel disconnected
And you say You'll be fine
Right.
Ok.
I'm still here if you need anything
Still waiting in these damp halls
Alone with the hope of something more
Because I believe in you and in us
But I won't beg you to love me

I feel you fully, skin to skin
Begging my brain to let you in
To push past the chatter and fear I feel
So we can continue to build what feels so real
Underneath the panic and the ecstasy
Our souls blend together like alchemy
Your hazel eyes feel like pathways home
So familiar, though still trails unknown
My heart aches for yours in the in between
As my mind grasps desperately for what it means
And while this life will give us no certainty
I deeply believe in you and me

They call it "chemistry"
But it feels like much more to me

Everything else ceases to exist
So nothing but Us is relevant

Our souls found a secret place
A quiet piece of the universe's space

Somewhere to breathe and intertwine
Your energy dancing with mine

A place where people rarely meet
Yet we found ourselves so naturally

And maybe it's insanity
But you feel like magic to me

Head heavy
Chest empty
Brain swimming endlessly
Stomach churning
Throat burning
This broken heart is destiny
Spiraled thoughts
My mind is taut
The OCD attacks fully
These stupid lies
Waste so much time
As if you'd ever think of me

Emptiness rings heavy in my chest
Echoing demands are overwhelming
I thought I figured this out already
Settled the storm that rages inside me
I guess it's just one of those things
A problem without a clear ending
A lifelong battle I have with myself
Winning or losing, it's all the same thing

This dark hole is a part of my soul
Not just a stain that washes away
The Void lives and breathes and beckons
It's more than a place that I can escape
I've ran and fought and conceded
Fed it everything it's craved
Nothing could ever be enough for it
It's made of more than empty space

Constucted from trauma and pain
By social lies of what happiness means
It's deeply fueled by insecurity
The Void is built on broken dreams
It won't ever let me feel whole again
So it say I'm just a broken thing
Even though I know that it's lying
I'm still tempted to give it everything

Hope can be a beautiful thing
But when people show you who they are
It loses it's relevance
Trust the acid burning your stomach
From crying over hurt feelings
Not the good you see in her
Trust the tangled knots
Weighing down your thoughts
Not the "potential" painting your perspective
Trust the emptiness of wasted time
And the regrets you carry
Not the chance she'll show up this time
There's only so many opportunities
You can hope for something different
Before you're the one breaking your own heart

Love yourself enough
To know your worth.
Love yourself enough
To let it go.

May I remove these hooks from my heart
Dislodge ice-hot metal from burning flesh

May the air rush through these wounds
A fresh breath, painful and promising

May I feel the emptiness in freefall
As the universe guides me into the unknown

May these holes built of loss and longing
Transform into refuge for peace and calm

I know that a life in chains isn't living
As I know letting go requires faith

May I find the courage to break away from painful familiarity
And to fall into the terrifying freedom of oblivion

I am transfixed
Held in place by chains of anxiety
I have gouged their hooks deep into my chest
As if their restraint could keep me safe
Believing the lies that they whisper
That beauty can still grow in a life without risk
But healing has taught me well
Not to trust sermons built from trauma
I can see this trap I've built myself into
And I ask the Universe to guide me through it

I've spent so long
Chasing after butterflies
Following the flutters
And rarely touching the ground
Mistaking the excitement of new
For the deepness of love
I've come and gone so many times
Feeling waves of lust wash over me
Partially "in" at any moment
With one foot always ready to step out
Letting the past drip away
As new feelings flood back in
In this new life I notice glimmers
The sparks of energy from before
Sunshine glinting off the water
The breeze echoing off butterfly wings
What once consumed me entirely
Now barely asks for pause

When I met you, the entire world stopped
When we kissed, the earth shifted beneath us
I fell in love with your soul as it danced with mine
That first day and every one after.

You are not the flutters, you are the life propelling them
You are not waves, but the moon commanding the sea
You are you and I am me and somehow
The Universe brought us together
I love you more than I've ever known
And I want to give you everything
My soul knows yours so intricately
And I'll love you for all of eternity

Years sprawl backwards
Across the baren hills behind me
From this distance I see more clearly
The tangled knots of pain I tied so tightly
Trying to lock away the burn of loss
Trying to hide the sting of caring
The intricate dance of ropes
Gently cascading together
The ache is all connected
All the hurt melded into one system
Across the landscape of my history
Too many years pretending I didn't care
So much time spent shielding my eyes
Filling the space with distractions and
Convincing myself that I had to do life alone
Abandoning myself and my people
Under the false pretense of self-sufficiency
I traded showing up with vulnerability
For empty space and loneliness
Feelings I could hide and fill instead
Of risking rejection from those I love
I've cut connections with a blade
So sharp and unnecessary
Instead of trying to hold and support them
Knotting the end like a clean cut
When there's nothing clean about loss
Ignoring the burn like I didn't care
Until years later I can't run from it anymore

Back home for the first real time in 10 years
There's nowhere left to hide
The ropeburn aches across my limbs
Leaving tattered patterns along my skin
Now I'm trying to live inside the fire instead
Not running or hiding from the truth anymore
If I want to grow beyond burns and flames
Then I have to feel through all the pain

I'm embarrassed on some level
To still hold on to our memories
Not because of you in any way
But because I'm the one who left

I'm usually good at reconnecting
But with you it's been so different
I like to be open with my emotions
But I'm afraid to be this vulnerable

I think about that night when
I didn't look back as we parted ways
You thought I didn't care at all
But I was terrified by how much I did

We tried gaming as friends
And you bought me Pitch Black
I didn't tell you how I felt back then
Because I thought I'd just hurt you again

When we broke up
I told you I needed to find myself
While it probably felt like a lie then
It turned out to be the truth

I always hoped in my heart that
We'd be together again one day
And as bad as that sounds
I knew I wasn't good enough yet

If I'd have married you then
Instead of killing this on impact
I'd have disintegrated us slowly
And I couldn't do that to you

I want to tell you about my growth
About the therapy and my sobriety
I want to show you how I've changed
But it all feels so selfish

Because the truth is that
I wasn't ready to show up in 2015
And even though it's been this long
I never stopped loving you

We don't even know each other anymore
But these feelings won't go away
I doubt you even think about it still
Or maybe I'm scared it's just me

I've been torn over this for years
Although I trust how I feel
I'm afraid of what you'd say
Because you deserve only the best

And even if it makes no sense
I'm still scared to let you down

Spiraling
Thoughts.
They move through my head so
Fast
Its hard to keep up
But then a thought
Flying through the web of my mind
Gets caught
And sticks.
Unwavering.

...

"Did I turn off the stove?"
If I didn't
Fire
If fire
Dead pets
If dead pets
Dead me
If dead me
Pain to those I love.

...

The thoughts hit a wall.
There is a moment of pause.
"Everything is ok, I always turn off the stove."

....

Exhale.
Breathe.
Peace.

...

"But what if I didn't?"
It is back again
Clinging like a sticky-hand.
Fire.
Death.
Pain.
Until I notice
I'm doing it again.
Over
And over
And over again.

Bittersweetness is burning
Holes into my throat like an instrument
Attempting to give purpose to this
Air that I am breathing in

But noise without melody is chaos
There is no direction, no beat
There is no sheet music to follow along to
And sometimes I just need to breathe

This life is brutal and beautiful
A weaving together of joy and sorrow
Made up of perpetual deaths
Today's finality is the birth of tomorrow

But I want to walk the world with open arms
Let all emotions fully wash over me
And when the waves inevitably block my vision
I'll know it's only moments before I can see again

I'd say you take my breath away
But I'd give it to you if you asked
Wrapped in my arms, I feel your heart
Beat softly against my chest

I don't believe in God but
I swear this must be heaven
Your breathing slows as you drift asleep
Our limbs entwined together

I breathe you in like oxygen
You fuel the fire inside
It's peace and trust, inspiring
A love simple, yet divine

Each moment I am grateful
That the universe brought us together
You are the truest love I've ever known
Someone I will love and cherish forever

Handprints collide
All our warmth intertwined and
In the dewy space between
I feel your heartbeat echoing mine
Our foreheads pressed together
I'm begging for your soul to melt into mine
I want to mix with you like oil in water
But these bodies are so constricting
This life we walk is a lonely one
We seek closeness beyond our broken skin
And maybe one day when this life is done
Our souls can connect for eternity
I adore you with every ounce of my being
Within every imperfectly perfect moment
Beyond all words and understanding
I'll love you forever and forever after

I feel them inside my head
Thoughts digging pathways into my brain
Repeating our conversation over and over
And over and over again.

Sentences, turned every direction
Up and down, repeatedly
Breaking apart your every word
Like what did you ~really~ mean?

Panic floods my bloodstream
But after only half of your sentence
I have to remember the second piece too
Then I can breathe again.

Irrationality claws at my heart
Doubt and fear suffocate me
But I want to believe you
I want to believe.

But what if my brain is right?
And what if you're wrong?
I pull reality sharply back into focus
As my thoughts tell me I'm crazy.

Inhale peace and exhale doubt
I have to let go of these questions
I love you, I love you, I love you
One day I'll be able to believe you.

Thoughts spiraling, so endlessly
Spinning me in circles until I'm blind
Back and forth and back again
Until I don't know what's real anymore.
My brain whispers lies like sweet nothings
Telling me we'll never be what I need
That I'm dumb to want you this much
That I'll always be nothing real to you.
Sometimes I know the thoughts are lying
We talk about it and I promise I believe you
But the doubts are convincing too
And you can always find the evidence you look for.
I just want my brain to stop and slow down
I sow the seeds of my own misery along synapses
I can't imagine the strain this puts on your heart too
And I never wanted to cause you any pain.
My brain tells me I should just run away
That leaving could be best for you and for me
But I love you more than I've ever known
And running won't solve anything.
This well-worn path runs deep into my soul
Over and over again, in pain and in fear
I know they're all a part of the same problem
And I promise I'm fighting to find a way through this.

Insecurity floods me like nicotine in my lungs
Resentment and discomfort as regular as my jagged breath
I don't want to feel this way, but it isnt your fault
Though, as always, I'm plagued by the urge to run away
I don't know why this reaction is so pervasive
I never want you to see it, but I'm sure that you do

I'm not good at hiding my emotions anymore
I know I should be open with them, but I don't want these ones to exist
They make me feel small and broken
Like I should be immune to this poisonous ash by now
Especially when the fire lives within me
Incinerating me from the inside out
Convincing me that it's in the air
Like I could leave and not feel this way again
Like the answer is in anything else but myself

I don't know how to cope with this, how to trust that you love me
Because these emotions aren't fair to you
And I don't think you could love me through them
So, no, I don't want to talk about it
I don't know how to explain it to you
In any way that makes sense
I don't know how to peel this bitter taste from the back of my throat

I guess I don't know what you see in me, besides what I can do for you
When you two are much more compatible, and our futures don't feel aligned
Sometimes I don't feel like a person, at least not a whole one
So I guess when I hear how great he is, I just see everything I'm not
I see everything I can't do, for myself or for anyone
I know jealousy is insecurity, but I don't know how to make it stop
How to be happy with myself and change when I'm not

I don't know how to build a better life
When I've never even wanted this one

I just want to play my music loud
Enough to blow my ******* brains out
There's so much happening all at once
The overstimulation makes me want to run
My system is overwhelmed by love and joy
But that's only one side of the coin
On the flip side, anxiety is everything
So much it feels like I am drowning

It feels so wrong to think of you
But even after all these years
We're still dancing in my dreams
I dont think I ever told you
But from that time I emailed you
I still thought we were meant to be
Writing usually feels easy
But with this I am terrified
I'm afraid you'll think I'm crazy
I don't want to bring you pain
I don't want to be so selfish
But these memories can drive me mad
I read something you wrote before
From that last time we hungout
When you thought I didn't care
I was distant because I was scared
It'd been years and I still loved you
I hurt you, and I loved you
I never told you it back then
Because I felt I'd hurt you more
I'd done enough, without making it worse
I know it's a silly thing
Since we don't know each other now
But I want to
Back then I thought our story wasn't over
That we'd connect again once we were older
But now I live across the country
And I'm too afraid to say hello

I know it sounds odd
But you've been on my mind
It feels wrong to say
It's been such a long time

I wish I could call it random
But it only makes sense
Everything would've been different
If I were this Me back then

I said I didn't love you
But I just didn't understand
That love is more than a feeling
Or just somewhere you land

Our connection was special
We built so much together
But I was young and dumb
And you deserved so much better

When we met up years ago
You said we weren't meant to be
And I never told you
You still meant so much to me

I know it's been years and
I know we're not the same
But I wonder how it'd be
To catch up on that change

We acknowledged our history
When we spoke recently
Although we didn't talk long
It was extremely bittersweet

I don't know who you are now
And you don't know me
But I still feel a connection
And I care for you deeply

I promise I won't disturb you
I'll let the past be as it is
Just know I'm wishing you the best
I hope you find happiness

Everything about you is unexpected
From the vibe when we first spoke
To the safety and peace between us
When I first realized I liked you
I figured the feelings would fade away
Like ashes in the wind
Drifting into nothingness
I didn't think you'd like me back
Or that we'd ever really talk about it
Yet here I am stumbling over myself
Trying to process feelings I don't understand
A complicated and beautiful maze
Walls of green, laced with delicate flowers

Have you ever heard your truth
Echoed back to you from another's lips?
Like a droplet into still water
Their words reverberated through my soul
They mirrored back my struggle with trauma
With their walls of fiery anger
Holding onto rage like a lifejacket
We've been floating in similar waters
Preparing for battle in every moment
While we're the ones aiming the guns
Grasping so tightly to our secret truth
That one day the pain will **** us
We're acting like we're already dead
Before we ever learned how to live

"What do we do about this?"
You ask with our hands intertwined
I breathe in my fear
Breathe it out calmly
I don't have any answers
I only know how I feel
And if they ask me if I love you
I might just say yes

I'd be lying
if I said I was okay
I haven't seen the sun
For the last 3 days
Deep down I know
I'm not okay but
It's pretty hard to see
When my feels get in the way

Theres a tear in my heart
And it hurts like hell
I don't want you to see me
But the pain is real

I'm afraid for when you leave
Because I already feel disconnected
You ask me what I need
But nothing you say can help this

I want to stay in the moment
To feel through this together
I'm tracing the lines in your face
Because you are all I want to remember

At the edge of a cliff
My heart sprints like a bullet
My arms tremble impatiently
Waiting for my decision
Do I stay on solid ground
Where the illusion of safety is a blanket
Only faintly covering
The truth of impending doom?
Or do I dive into the unknown
Hoping to splash into water
And avoid the jagged land?

I am so confused.
When I'm near you, it's like my body, electrified, simply wants to collide with yours. Not even in a ****** way, I just want to hold your hand and to walk next to each other with our arms touching.

I had been staring at your hand for probably an hour and all I wanted to do was hold it.
And I knew that was okay because we talked about it,
but I was scared to try.

Yet, when our hands collided, it was pure explosions across my entire body and you felt like home. We were together for hours and it felt like mere minutes.

Your voice and your laugh and your smile are amazing and I would do a lot for that.

It's driving me crazy that it's all in my head
And then I wonder if it really is all in my head
and if I am just that broken

Your hand in mine,
I feel grounded
When I'm with you
The stress melts away
My body on yours is electric
Both exciting and calming you say
It still feels so inconceivable
That we met and I've fallen
So hard for your gorgeous soul
Luck and the universe were good to me
Chance and coincidence my allys
And for being a part of your life
I'm grateful beyond words

Here, on my knees
I'm begging for answers
Gravel cuts into my flesh
Ripping right through me
The blood stained rubble
Loudly recalls my humanity
Tears made of dust and dirt
Are suspended indefinitely
I am alone in the darkness
Cold down through my bones
There are lights in the distance
A million roads lay before me
But I can't tell what's real
From all the illusions

There's a part of my soul
That exists on an alternate timeline
One where
I didn't leave you
One where
I learned to grow before running away
Before leaving us to burn behind me
An alternate universe where we grew older
Grew closer
Changed and struggled together
And also survived and thrived
That part of my soul
Lives deep inside me somewhere
That hidden piece of myself
Still loves you

I'm walking to therapy
The sun is hot on my black clothing
I feel calm as i let my mind wander
I wonder what I'll talk about today
I could discuss my relationship
Since its been a bit rocky lately
Or I could talk about harder stuff
Like you
I could talk about you

Just the thought dries my lungs out
Takes my breath away from me again
You're always doing that
The buildings around me feel taller now
More suffocating, closing in around me
And the office, I can see is just 2 blocks down,
Suddenly stretches like a band
Pulling further away from me
With a tension that makes me dizzy
Its like im walking down a tunnel and
The soles of my shoes feel like boulders
Weighing me down, throwing off my balance
I don't want to get there now
I no longer feel real
Thoughts of you change everything
I don't want to talk about you
And that's exactly why I need to

My lips brush against your forehead
As my arms pull you close
You're soft and warm and precious
Our breathing aligns like our energies
I want to keep you safe
To kiss you every day for the rest of my life
To give you all of my heart
And build up a gentle home
The world can be a cold and dark place
But your heart is pure light
You radiate love and care
And knowing you is a truly a gift
Your stunning eyes and beautiful smile
Can so easily bring me to my knees
You disarm me without even trying
As your soul whispers into mine
Encouraging and sweet
You've been a support on my darker days
And I am eternally grateful
To trust you with my vulnerability
You've awoken something within me
That I never knew existed
A piece of my soul buried deep
It knew you immediately
The moment I saw you,
When I heard you speak
I knew without a doubt
That I needed you in my life
It didn't make sense to me then
But now it's all too clear
The universe was our guiding light
And our love is a sacred space

You are solid ground
When it feels like I'm falling.
I want to be your parachute
To give you a safe space to land.
You are steady and safe
In a world shaken and turbulent.
I want to hold space for your feelings
When everything is too much.
You are a soft, warm hug
In the coldest night air.
I want to walk with you through the darkness,
Supportive and steadying.
You are truly a gift and
A love I cherish deeply.
I want to feel your soul dance with mine
But I know they already do.
I love you sweet baby
And one day I'll kiss you too

Limbs cut through crisp air
I am falling, back first, into the abyss
Arms flail to find ground
But only air exists here
It blows through my heart and
Out through my chest
My spinning heart a weather vane
At the mercy of gravity and earth
Convulsions flare uncontrollably
Panic awakening panic
The danger paints everything in shadows
So even the sun haunts this place
I don't want to feel this
I don't want to lose control
But in falling, that decision isn't mine
I can only accept this state
Trying to control the uncontrollable
Will only cause more harm
I need to love myself enough
To love myself when I'm not ok

I crave to build a home
But I push everyone away
I want to set up a foundation
But every time I set it ablaze
I want something ethereal
But I ruin everything I touch
I want what doesn't exist
But I keep ignoring the rough
I want to stop running
But it's like I'm stuck on repeat
I want to give up
But I also can't stomach defeat
I want to let go of this life
Some days just feel like too much
I want you to "love" me
But I know even that won't be enough

I can never own a gun
Because if I did
I'd be dead.

What is wrong with me?
One moment everything is fine
Then I'm triggered and gone
As if it's always been this way.
Why can't I feel ok alone?
I know I'm good and enough
But when you're not here
I feel like I'm losing my mind.
Days pass on top of days
I can feel myself burning out
I need time with myself to recharge
But I have an insatiable ache for you.
I'm mad at myself for this
It's not your fault
But it'd be easier if it was
I wish I didn't need anyone else, but I do.
I never asked for this life
Everything is painful and I don't understand
How so many people just keep going
For as long as a lifetime.
Every connection feels life changing
Witnessing your humanity moves my soul
But is it real or just an illusion in my mind?
Do I see you or just a projection of me?
I want to cling and I want to run
I want to text you and to give you space
I want to say **** it all and I want to stay
So many dualities that I can't breathe.
I should be happy because things are fine
Nothing is inherently wrong
But I feel so unsettled and uncomfortable
Like nothing will ever be enough for me.
I just want to be ok
And I don't want to need anyone else
I have to learn to balance these issues
With the curse of my human condition.

Like a fresh breeze
You softly glide along my skin
I breathe you in like oxygen
Filling my lungs like my heart
I love you like art
True, your body is a masterpiece
But too this connection is timeless
Surrealism conjured into existence
We are both and neither one force
While equally, distinctly ourselves
When magic met reality
Our love emerged from the collision
I can't imagine a better life
Without your soul touching mine
I never knew a love like this existed
And I am grateful for every minute

Hands over my ears and my eyes are clenched, there's too much noise.
Head on knees and knees to chest, my body wants to absorb itself.
I'm surrounded by screaming, and it's my own voice, myself from a time before.
"No"
More than anything
"No."
My heartbeat expels all of the air from my lungs, and they won't fill back up
But I am still screaming.
It's as if snakes are slithering across my bare chest, and my eyelids burn as I lock them tighter.
There is no way out of this, but it feels too big to survive.
Now along with "No," the voices are screaming "Run."
A command that echoes through every cell in my body.
Every hair is on end, every nerve is alert.
My muscles ache to move, as my heart pours blood through every limb.
But I am still frozen,
Tangled in a heap of myself on the ground.
Since my body has failed me, my mind bears the weight.
Speeding through every option, every possible source of control
Slamming sharply into blame.
Because if this is your fault then I can walk away
I can leave you, thinking I'm free from the pain.
But this isnt your fault; this isnt you.
My fear is my own and leaving wont change that.
It's my voice that says you'll leave.
Mine whispering that I dont matter.
The voice of a terrified child with no control, The erratic and panicked thrashing of a traumatized brain.
My thoughts are a symphony of terror and understanding,
Fear, and the awareness of it.
I want to build connection with this brain inside mine.
So I will sit here and listen as she screams.
Absorb the bullets of fear and shame, aimed at myself.
I will hold space for this neglected part of me.
I will honor the part I have always blamed.
It isn't her fault, and her truth isnt mine.
And although I feel everything,
We both deserve peace.

One day I'll come back for you
Break down the walls and bring you home
No locks can hold this love back
I'll go through the window if I have to
We could try to leave quietly
But I want the world to know our love
We're a force when we're apart
Imagine that power together
Everyone will have something to say
But I only care about you
They'll think we've been here before
But they have no idea
Our souls have known forever
Just waiting for us to see
Since the day that we met
You're forever a part of me

Moments with you feel ethereal
When your hand rests on my chest
We're skin to skin but
You touch my heart with ease
As my fingertips trail your cheek
Gently tracing the lines of your face
I am breathing in every detail
Aching to memorize all of you
This connection is magical
Our energies dance in tranquility
And the breathtaking depth of your soul
Brings me to my knees
I've never known a love like this
Never collided so gently with another
You are a once in a lifetime love
And I'm grateful I found you in mine
I want to give you the universe
Because you mean all of them to me
Although time has never existed here
I hope our souls meet forever

Ice burns my chest
As I scramble to find a heartbeat
Frozen bones against cold skin
I feel my pulse echo into me
I know I'm still alive
But inside it's only emptiness
Fires raged within me once
Leaving behind nothing but ash
My heart, my soul
Blown away in the wind
I am lost and alone
Free, but still the same
My body aches at the memory
Of shackles holding me down
I never knew my escape
Could cause this much pain
Simply trapped in new binds
I don't know what freedom is
Life is a sick and twisted game
Where I get to choose my path
But what good is a decision
When it all leads to death
I cannot picture my future
But my past is loud and clear
How can I keep moving forward
When I'm barely a part of the present
I know I have to build my own life
But all of the tools are breaking
What a privilege it is
To pick my own poison

Words fail me
I don't know what I feel
I want to fade to nothing
And let the silence consume me
So many perspectives
I don't know which is true
Maybe all of them are
But then what?
They tell me I'm good
While my guilt swallows me whole
Rule one is do no harm
And I've shattered that
They say it's being a human
And I guess that's true
But if I can do anything to help
Then I'd like to
Where is that fine line
Between values and pain?
I don't owe it to them
But I feel like I do
If getting burned makes it better
At what point do I quit?
Do I hand over the matches?
Soak my soul in gasoline?
Pain for pain seems so fair
I made mistakes and I have to own them
But does letting myself burn
Really help anyone?

I love you
And I miss you
And you're barely gone.
I'm worried
And afraid
That you'll walk away.
And if you do
I'll understand
Because I do.
This isn't easy
Life is really hard
We are so so tired.
If I could
I'd give you peace
And all the good things.
And I can't
But I'll try
Until you tell me to go.
Your soul is art
Your existence is a gift
Thank you for letting me in.
I love you
So if it's best for you
I won't make this difficult.
I won't fight you
If you tell me
You can't handle me anymore.
Just know that I care
So much for you
It's beyond words.
I swear
I'd love you forever
If I get the chance.
I wish it was easier
And this didn't hurt you
My love and my light.
No matter what happens
I hope that you know
How important you are to me.
I am here for you,
And for always
I hope you have sweet dreams.

My palm pressed to your chest
I connect to your energy
Your heartbeat, warm and familiar,
Is the rhythm of love and of you
You glide your nose along mine
A soft connection of energy
I am brought to my knees
By such simplicity
The way that you smile
When I tell you you're pretty
That freckle on your hand
I can't help but kiss
I'd hold you in my arms forever if I could
As our souls sleep hand in hand
I breathe you in like nicotine
And I want to give you everything
Support, peace, and space
Safety, love, and grace
You've shown me new parts of myself
And I want to return the favor
Together we can grow and explore
A world unknown that feels like home

Splinters of glass rip through my chest
I can feel my heart breaking and I know it's a mess
Grief fills my lungs with liquid, like swimming pools for my emotions
I wonder what's the right decision, when everything feels so broken
Some days it's hard to stay, but leaving would tear me to shreds
Back and forth and back again, until theres nothing left
See, I know enough of humanity, to trust I'd learn to breathe again
But the thought alone is devastating, like losing a piece of me instead
I have thoughts so problematic, I will only tell one person
Because if I'm honest I'm kind of messed up, holding sins inside me like organs
My cards tell me three's a party, which means I'm the odd one out
The universe once gave me hope and peace, but now she feeds me doubts