Until I met you
I scoffed at cinematic romance
So extra and unrealistic
Utterly improbable
Completely dramatic, unreal
Coincidence is never that perfect

And yet
I met you by accident in empty hallways
I talked to the universe for months
Asking her for the chance to connect
Day after day
I couldn't find the courage to speak
I didn't know you at all
But our souls felt like magnets
Being around you is electric
Paradoxically calming
Falling in love with you was unrealistic
As we were both dating another
And despite the improbability
Polyamory was the wild card

From bridge walks to car talks
This flame burned right through me
From 15-minute cafe conversations
To our first kiss under a bell tower
Our passion raged in waves
Ripping apart everything I thought I knew
An emotional monsoon
I swear this is a love like no other

Kissing in cars and wrestling on hotel beds
I breathe in your love and your light
Cherishing your soft skin against mine
Exhaling gratitude and peace
It's a feeling so surreal
No words feel right to describe it
But I do know it's a blessing
That every single day
I get to fall in love with you all over again

I feel alive when I'm with you
And that scares me to death
When we're together I know I'm quiet
But it's not being stuck in my head
It's an intense shift in emotion
An entirely new headspace
I don't feel this way with others
Your energy alone brings me peace
Being with you is all encompassing
Braiding my body, emotions, and soul
A beautiful collision of colors
Where all of me meets all of you
Wrapping around each other
As the whole world is quiet
Those moments are everything
I love you more than I've ever known

Your lips, soft like clouds
Melt into my own
Despite the contact
I want to be closer
There's hunger in this
The craving runs deep
Together we are electricity
With energy born in a simple stare
We move like the ocean
In currents and waves
A secret choreography
Only our bodies know
Teasing and tussling
My teeth close on your skin
Painting you purple and red
I leave imprints of me all over you
To remind you that you're mine
The marks are emotions personified
I want you to know how I feel
I like you and I love your company
And a week always feels too long
I could drown in the depths of your eyes
They're mysterious and blue like the sea
Our souls meet in these moments
As I am entirely entranced by you
I want to hold you close
And I want to keep you safe
I want to hear your hurts
As well as all your dreams
I am grateful to be in your life
And that you're a part of mine

Baby please
Tell me what you need
I promise I'm trying
To take on the lead
You are small but not weak
Your voice is quiet when you speak
But do you know you move mountains
Like you do it with ease?
You take on this cruel world
All it's edges and swirls
You give us the strength we need
When my mind is unfurled
I know it's not fair
And I know that your scared
Your small hands take the wheel
As the rest of us stare
You're reckless and wild
You're still just a child
I promise I'm fighting
To get this reconciled
You deserve to be free
To give the power to me
One day I promise you
I'll help you find peace

I love you like summer
Hot and free

I love you like Autumn
Always changing and falling

I love you like spring
Filled with growth and energy

I love you like winter
With beauty and peace

I love you like nature
So pure and grounding

I love you like late nights
Excited and focused

I love you like long drives
So calm and expansive

I love you like home
Full of safety and warmth

I love you like poetry
A direct connection to my soul

I love you like challenges
Inspired and determined

I love you endlessly
From now til forever

When I'm with you
Our souls mesh like alchemy
With a delicate touch
They move together
Like oil in water
Each distinct and yet
They dance as if they are one
Gentle and fluid
They wrap around each other
Your soul
Moving like silk across mine
Both weaving intricately
Filling in empty spaces
Skin to skin
Soul to soul
A rhythm so perfect that
We fit together flawlessly
As if we were made for each other
Your soul is light and pure
Beautiful and disarming like the sea
And when we're together
Our connection is all that I need

My stomach is in swirls and
Soon my heart follows too
For some unknown reason
I can be myself with you
Getting high on the bed
Getting high off each other
After we spend two nights together
I still want another
Your eyes are like oceans
Whose depths I crave knowing
I see waves and storms
And I want you to show me
I want to listen to your truth
All the pieces of you
I know life isn't easy
I've got demons too

Palms pressed flat against cold concrete
I rest my heavy head between them
Heartbeats echo against my eardrums
Rhythmic, like a timer
Fear of impending uncertainty chokes me
I need to cry but have no tears
Forgive me for this indecision
I'm lost and confused in my own mind
I love you, and my heart hurts
I want to run, but I hold myself steady
What's best for me isn't best for my soul
It's the part of me that knows you best
The point of impact when we connect
The place where we met and never left
I love you, and I hate this
Why do I want more, when I have you?
Why does the emptiness hurt this much
When the alternative is simply more void?
The hardest part of this whole situation
Is the reason why I'm still here
I love you and I'm stubborn as hell
I'm not ready to give up on this

Your hands on me
They're so sweet and
You tread so lightly
Moving along my thighs
Rubbing patterns into my soft skin
At the apex I close my eyes
Bathing in the warmth of your touch
In that moment I can breathe
I'm with you and I'm happy
But I have memories like bad dreams
Showing up so unexpectedly
And suddenly
Your hands turn to his
It's no longer your body against me
Pleasure turned fear
Burning into me like electricity
My brain goes offline
It fills with music instead
Trying to cover up these demons
But my body cannot forget
All of my muscles are frozen in time
It's 2014 again
Why can't I feel your hands on mine?
Feel your arms wrapped around me?
My lips find yours
I want our spark back
I'm trying so hard
Just to come back
I want this
I want you
But my body doesn't know
It doesn't realize you are safety
That we stopped right away
Because you can see me
That you care if I'm there
And give me space to breathe
As this trauma leaves me bare
You stay with me
You tell me I'm ok
And that we don't have to do anything
I'm broken and I'm grateful
Terrified and wondering
And even though it takes awhile
For me to find myself again
When I'm ready you still kiss me
And it shows that you understand

Day dreams of us
Tangled in white sheets
Your arms wrapped around me
My lips pressed firmly against yours
A pause for air and I breathe you in
Minutes pass like seconds
Our time is always fleeting but
Every moment with you has me awe struck

I'm grateful for this and for you
Your energy holds me to the ground
Wrapping into my own like puzzle pieces
Two hearts with the same beat
We move together as one
Rhythmic, yet so unique
Everything is quiet but us

When I saw you for the first time
I knew you were special
The first day we hung out
I knew I would fall for you
And the descent was unbelievable
Our connection magnetic
Unexpected and magical
I can't help but regret nothing

I don't know if you realize that
In so many ways I am yours
I belong to me but
My heart has been locked and
You have the key
I give in to the intensity and
Embrace the complications
Face the fears that can hold me back
Because nothing and no one
Can change how I feel for you
How incredibly gay you make me
And how right it feels when I'm in your arms

This love is unexplainable
And it's depth undeniable
Thank you for being you
And taking a chance with me
You mean the absolute world
And I love you endlessly

Overwhelmed.
Tiny screens hide big feelings.
Tell me you love me so I can breathe.
Sweet words wrap around my heart.
Constricting until I'm high
And can't feel the fear anymore.
I need to know what's real.
I know it isn't all lies,
But I can't find the line.
Blinded by electric energy,
Coursing through my limbs.
I love this and I hate this.
Convenient and damning.
The warmth of emotion permeates,
But it can't reach my core.
The anxiety and pain are rampant there.
I don't want to feel them.
I don't feel safe.
But I can't bring others down with me.
I need to face myself empty handed.
Let the emotions burn through me.
I know that I am fire proof.
So when the flames flicker to nothingness,
And I'm alone with the darkness,
I will be most simply
And most purely
Me.

Feet poised and legs steady
I can feel the fibers of a tightrope beneath.
I can hear water,
As waves of anxiety splash against jagged walls,
Echoing up from under me.
Sometimes I wonder if the water is rising
But thoughts like that will **** my focus.

It happens sometimes,
Where my knees shift and
Buckle beneath me,
Rope burn ripping across my bare skin,
My hands searing as I grasp this thin lifeline.

By the power of luck and determination
I raise and right myself again.
My muscles are tingling and I beg them to still.

I know this doesn't feel like safety
But
At least I'm out of the depths.
The depths of erratic emotions.
The depths of pain.
This sea of fear flows ruthlessly.

She will consume me with no hesitation
Inhaling me deeply
Where, within her,
I am blind and
The only sounds are
Raging train cars,
Eradicating all else.

Up here I am not safe
But I know I am stable
So long as I am focused,
Deliberate in my movements,
and
Mindful of my thoughts.

Above,
The sky is unapologetically blue,
Reflecting back a childlike innocence
That lives somewhere inside that sea.
The air is gentle and calm,
Holding space for peace within my lungs.

One day I will learn to float
Because
Some days I can hover,
Just above the ragged twine,
Embraced by a limitless sky.

I am weightless and without fear
For those moments, I am painless
In those moments, life is breathtaking
And while I would love to always feel free
I know, right now,
Balance is all that I need

Sunshine caresses my pale skin
As wind dances across my limbs
This is Sunday morning energy
With peace balancing in the air
The universe feels calm
Like walking through graveyards
Delicate like flowers and
Colorful as the falling leaves
Racing heartbeats synchronize
Communicating between our palms
You set fire to my soul in the best of ways
Grounding me in these moments with you
And as all these sensations consume me
We're moving through a crowded room
This is how it feels to love you

Choked up with existential angst
Soften the bitterness with a drink
The cold liquid helps the truth stay down
Hoping that a drunk mind can't think
My thoughts heavy like lead
They sink just below the surface
Low enough where they make no sound
But can still make me feel worthless
What kind of human does it make me
When I don't know how to feel my feelings
The most basic form of existence
That I struggle with dealing
In all of my issues
I know drugs aren't the answer
They won't make anything easy
But they make me feel better

White noise screaming in my head
Like Venom I feel parts of myself splitting
Ear piercing screeching electrocutes my soul
I want to put my head through a wall
Down a bottle, maybe two
Anything I can to end this torture
My heart is desperately trying to speak to me
But my mind won't stop and listen
I need to feel my way through this
Connect with myself to move forward
But I'm locked inside and fear is the deadbolt
Sometimes I'd rather be dead than face it

We are encompassed by shadows
Windows of blue, and creatures of the sea
Familiar places breathe calm into me
And your hand in mine means everything
You ask me to sit and my heart skips a beat
This time I don't leave space between us
I lean against you without a second thought
4 months ago this was all that I wanted
I kiss your shoulder in secret celebration
Then rest my head in silent gratitude
Upon contact everything else disappears
The energy of it leaves just you and me
All of the anxiety and noise evaporate
Replaced by silence, love, and peace
A shift so surprising it's scary
And I pull away too quickly
I am breathless and in shock
But for once I don't ask why
I just squeeze your hand tighter
And appreciate this moment
Thanking the universe for
Every second I have with you

Sadness and numbness collide
It feels like too much and I'm not alright
I can tell something's wrong inside
If it weren't so hard I'd give up on this fight
A piece of me wants to get better
Other parts just want my demise
So back and forth my mood tremors
So many thoughts that they all sound like lies
I'm too anxious to even discuss it
Too many choices I make make it worse
The doctors say drugs do not help this
But this bottle's relief and a curse
It's so hard to complain since I know that
My own actions add weight to this burden
I crave an escape but I forget
Not even those will stop this hurting

I can feel myself melting
My skin sinking in
My heartbeat is nauseating
And my thoughts fall like lead
Everyone's questions echoing
Their thoughts highlight the obvious
If this air burns my lungs
Why do I keep breathing it?
If this fire scorches my feet
Why keep taking steps?
Maybe I love the sweetness of pain
Maybe it hydrates my soul
Maybe chaos is so familiar
I built it's home in my heart
Like a dark wine, intoxicating
This joy is but an illusion
One taste never enough
To reach satisfaction
If I know I can be good
Why are the choices so difficult?
Why does kindness feel like pain
And pain feel like home?

Heavy, the dark clouds descend
Pressing down upon my shoulders.
I fall to my knees as I try to scream,
But my lungs will barely breathe.
Thick ash coats my throat,
The sweetness of death
Dancing across my tongue.
Thoughts like electricity
Shocking all of me,
Interchangeably.
Forehead meets concrete with desperate force;
The pain a mere whisper
Against a raging wall of emotions.
I beg for death to break this hell
My own consciousness the walls of this prison.

On the outside I am calm:
Still, silent, high-functioning.
The gift of my survival,
Now the curse that's killing me.

Insecurity runs through me
Like scalding water across my skin
Contact is pain and pure panic
I'm drowning in this negativity
You are not enough and
You don't know how to love
You aren't hot enough and
Not even a good ****
Your life is a waste
You've got no potential
You are nothing
You mean nothing
So many words echo harshly
Against the concrete walls of my mind
Crying out over and over again
As they crash against the pavement
Each collision a shockwave
Of claustrophobic negativity
Their tremors shake violently through my bones
Reinforcing themselves into my DNA

Darkness surrounds this broken heart
Pumping directly from my brain
Thick smoke caresses every inch
Seeping into the microfractures of this foundation
I'm suffocating but continue to breathe
How odd this self-annihilation
Irrational thoughts inhale deeply
Turning precious oxygen into poison
I wonder why I'm so sick
As I sit docile and watch the violence

My existence wasn't a choice
So who gets to say my life isn't?
I've seen a lot and done enough
I don't want to experience more
The joys of life keep people afloat
My anxiety has stolen my buoy
I feel like I'm thrashing wildly
Grasping for something to keep me sane
I don't think there's anything wrong
Why is death always the enemy?
I am sad and I am broken
I've given my best to those I could
I don't want to settle anymore
Please just let me be free
Let me say goodbye when im ready
I want to choose my own destiny
I don't want to get better anymore
I just want this all to be over

I am falling
Perpetual spirals into the dark
I feel my hands grasping
As air passes through my fingers
Something feels off and
I really can't tell
If the caution is real
Or a phantom of my fear
I'm in the land of ghosts and demons
Haunted by these oppressive memories
It's hard to know what's worse
The monsters or the claustrophobia
Flowers can't bloom in the darkness and
Humans cannot thrive in isolation
This place is lifeless, suffocating
Only tolerable through inebriation
Kindess is but a mask here
Trusting no one a necessity
Half these people want me dead
And a quarter could care less
Don't tell me I'm overreacting
When even family aim their guns
I've made my escape and now
I know what growth feels like
I've tasted the freshness of freedom
Witnessed the miracle of peace
It is not like this everywhere
So don't try to normalize this hate
I found celebration beyond tolerance
And I've built my home there
This place is a noxious poison and
I'm done trying to survive it

Soft lips and sharp breaths
My fingers run through your hair
Body to body
Heartbeat to heartbeat
I can't help but feel
This is where we're meant to be
Guided by the universe
We've reached a space where
Quiet, calm, and peace
Bloom from a simple touch

When I'm with you, nothing else exists
Only you and your gorgeous smile
Our lips touch and I melt into you
Challenges and frustrations evaporate
As my soul sinks into a dance with yours
It's a feeling like warmth and home
It's all so new and yet
I feel safe lying here with you
Skin to skin, heart to heart
These feelings are indescribable
I trace gentle kisses across your face
And nuzzle my nose against yours
I'd stay here forever if I could
But these fleeting moments are more than enough

I want to let you in
I want to let you see me
I know in my heart that
The universe brought us together
Right now, I'm scared to open the door
Standing at the precipice of my deeper self
It could be so easy to give you the keys
But parts of me feel cemented to the floor
The fear is stone cold against my soul
Clawing away at my breath and my composure
This risk could change everything
Strengthen or shatter this precious connection
I've shown you my pain before
But you don't know of this
The secret space nestled into me
An echoing void that feels so empty
Something is missing here
Something belongs there
But I don't know what it is
I've spent so long cramming this cavern full
Of *****, love, and drugs
And it always drains out again
Because
These things won't make me whole
And I don't know what will

Once you know something, you can't unknow it
I contemplate the echoes of this inner void
Half knowing, half running
So afraid to fully commit
To fully let go
I've chosen to see then closed my eyes again
Unable to hide from myself
I've heard whispers of my truth beckoning
They want me to listen
To work together and grow
I know they're right, but I can't stand the sound
I've excelled at aversion
The keys to silence are in my hands
A couple of drinks or some edibles
Even the numbness of these meds
They're drugs all the same
And they mask the noise well
So at least for a little while
I can avoid it all again

Rest easy gentle heart of mine
Trust in the ways of the universe
Feel fully all that you can
Let your tears water the earth below
From the ache and pain we will grow
And a love like that we'll never regret

When I close my eyes
I am consumed by darkness
I can feel the tide spiralling
Pulling me down into it's depths
A tornado twisting and grasping
I am no longer in control
I have become one with choas
One with the shadows
It's like noise is everywhere
But I'm underwater
Muffled voices slither past me
Garbled tones swimming
I know it's there but
To me it means nothing
Nothing is real and
I am one with everything
Until I open my eyes
There's too much concrete
I am here once again
Awakened in emptiness

My fingers lace through yours
Even though it's new it feels like home
We're surrounded by crowds
But I can only see you
When you reach for my hand
My heart drops into my lungs
A contact so simple
Yet it seems to change everything
Chaos twists into calm
Anxiety transcends to joy
Right now nothing else matters
Just heartbeats and soft skin
You, me
And nothing in between

This one time you said
Your feelings live in your stomach
Well mine live in my lungs instead
Like flowers tangled along my ribcage
My feelings for you steal my breath away
Intricate patterns of greens and pinks
Weave carefully along the cold white bones
And tug so frequently against my airways
They're starting to feel like home
I see your face and
For a second I forget to breathe
Even your name across my phone screen
Pulls my inhalation out of sync
Your arms wrapped around me tightly
Exhale all else nonexistent
The beat of your heart against my own
Feeds those clinging vines
All the air that I have left
But in those breathless moments
When its just you and me
I swear it feels like peace

I wake up with anxiety
But within that panicked state
Thoughts of you move like poetry
Weaving in and out of any moment
Light and flowy
As familiar as the air I breathe
Goodmorning and goodnight
Were never special for me
But in this morning light
It's the first thing I want to read

I like you
More
Than I like other friends
Somehow our connection
Feels
So much different
Much more intense
Thoughts
Spinning wildly in my brain
Knowing deep down
You
Could never feel the same
My feelings for you are
Unreal
They feel wild and dangerous
It's like ripping open my
Soul
Being immensely vulnerable
Constantly craving the
Honesty
Yet so viscerally afraid of the truth
I want to drown this part of
Me
Let it float out to sea
Pretend it's not
Real
Until that becomes reality
Til then I'll beg the
Universe
To let me be free
I'm so scared it's
Love
Too much, too fast, too me

Dear Nikki at 5,

I wanted to write to you today
To honor our 500th poem
To honor you and to honor
All of the pain you've carried for us
I think of that one night
Maybe the first time you wrote about your feelings
You were so hurt and angry
Emotional energy like a current
Electrifying your entire system
So you found solace in your words
Scribbling onto your magnetic sketchpad
Letting the anger rush through you
Concentrated energy through the pen
I am so proud of you for coping that way
I know you felt better afterwards
Written words tend to alchemize our energy
Firing ferocity into calm
I respect your instincts
To translate your pain into art
It was beautiful until your peace was shattered
Our mother found your writing and
Instead of discussing your pain and anger
She took your words for gunshots
Ripping apart her already low self esteem
So she sat you down on the stairs
She was distraught and upset
She told you that your words hurt her
That your feelings caused her pain
That you were bad and wrong for writing them
Instead of considering your emotional state
Instead of even asking what was wrong
She loaded your shoulders with shame
Forced you to carry the burden of her pain
A child responsible for the emotions of an adult
You took on that task and couldn't have known
That doing so would internalize that responsibility
That you would forever feel at fault
When anyone around you felt pain
She taught you that your feelings are bad
That your inner workings are inherently flawed
Your emotions, your wants, your needs
Normal pieces of your humanity
It all became your greatest enemy
And your most intense fear
I am so sorry that she didn't hug you
I am sorry she didn't tell you it's ok to feel
You deserved love and compassion
You deserved to be taught that
You are not defined by your feelings
She could have taught you that your choices
Carry the truth of who you are
That you made a beautiful decision that day
To write out your emotions when
You could have acted them out instead
I want you to know that I am so proud of you
That your feelings were real and valid
Your feelings matter, every single one
I am so sorry I spent most of our life
Shaming you for being human
Instead of celebrating your sensitivity
I reinforced and added to your burden
I blamed you for every broken thing
And turned you into a target for pain
You deserved to maintain your childhood
You deserved respect for your humanity
I am sorry for the time it's taken me to learn
After 20 years I finally understand that
Your feelings matter and your heart is good
You will no longer carry this pain
I will be the parent that you deserve
Thank you for sticking with me
And thank you for leading us here

I love you little one
You have always been enough

With love,
24-year-old You

I am pacing through existence
Carefully avoiding the people and the potholes
I meet you at the dim edge of a doorway
You look stunning in the moonlight
The light reflecting your pale skin and chiseled features
I reach for your hand but it's occupied
A silver key hangs from blood-red ribbon
My brow furrows as you delicately release the deadbolt
Cautiously you beckon me closer
The door cracks just enough to release
Gentle blue light that dances across the frame
I am intrigued and lean in beside you
Suddenly, as you carefully release the ****
An aggressive breeze rips past us
Slamming open the door but you seem unphased
While the shrill and guttural sirens of screams
Bring me to my knees
Eyes closed and hands clawing at my ears
I can feel a hole tearing open my chest
I want to yell but my throat fails me
I can barely breathe and
There is only noise and darkness
My head is about to explode
As I pummel my fists into the earth
Begging for air in a fit of rage
I scream as fire explodes from within me
Spinning circles of flames
Charred barriers surround me
As the silence creeps back into focus
My breath is ragged and labored
I'm convinced I've barely survived
But when I raise my gaze
There are tears flooding yours
And purple burns trace your skin
There's a shiny new lock on the door
And although I feel safe once again
I know I've just broken you more

I think there's something missing
An empty space within my brain
Is it genetics or experience?
Most likely a mix of both
It seems I only feel whole
When my blood is filled with drugs
Energetic electricity
Flowing through my limbs
Substances fill the void
The emptiness I can't stand
I wish I was more than this
Or simply nothing at all
I want to fade into the night
Float away slowly like this high
And instead of returning to humanity
I'll let the wind carry me home

I dig hooks into my heart
Hoping to feel something more
Tying parts of myself to others
As if they could fix my soul
As if maybe one day
The scars will fuse to the metal
Somehow filling in the gaps
Empty, echoing spaces
That swallow everything whole
But one day even those will disintegrate
Or be ripped out without warning
And it's no one's fault but my own
When I bleed out onto the floor

I don't think I'm made for this life
I feel like any good I could do
Can never outweigh the darkness
Dripping from the roots of my being
I don't think I was born with this
But I know it's grown into a part of me
Like ink, it leaks and pools
Drowning me and staining others
Somehow people of light find me
I want so badly to mirror back their essence
Instead when they pull me into their arms
The poison seeps through my fingertips
Little by little it finds a path inside
Dancing through blood to find a heartbeat
Their beautiful colors are tarnished and tainted
Muddied with the tar of my pain
I want to save the people I care for
And save the parts of myself that are left
I want to **** this deadly energy
Give the world less evil to fight against
It's whispers tangle through my brain
Spoken so calmly and assuredly
Reminding me of my damaged soul
It knows the control it has over me
It lies and says it keeps me safe
That to it I owe everything
It thinks it's what's kept me alive
When it's really what's killing me
A simple fix would **** this demon
A single bullet could end it's reign
Cold metal against hot skin
I'll trade my last breath for this

There are so many things I want to tell you
All these words clammering through my brain
Emotions like nitrous explode under the surface
The intensity is disarming and terrifying
I feel like I'm losing my mind

My heartbeat shudders and my hands tremble
Whenever I'm sitting this close to you
You are stunning and sweet
Gentle like the flowers you love so much
I could talk with you all night long

I want to hear your dreams and your fears
All of the intricacies of you
I want to memorize your smile
And the lines of your hands
Lay under the stars and
Paint pictures into constellations
I want to feel your heart beating against mine
The harmony of our anxieties

I want to get drunk together
Just to ramble on through the night
Talking of nothing and everything at once
I want to explore new places
Get lost in the trees and
Sunburned on the beach

I want to be vulnerable and let you in
Knowing fully well I could get hurt
And taking that chance anyways

I sit across from you and watch as your eyes water
I can feel the pain reverberating through your heart
Panic seizes me as I want more than anything
To extinguish those flames you carry
Your life isn't easy and you are still standing
This is undeniable proof of your strength
Yet nothing can soothe the singe of this moment
Your world feels like it's falling around you
As my words continue to fail you
All I can think is to wrap you into my arms
I want to protect you and to keep you safe
I'd give parts of my soul to free you from the pain
From the fear of impending danger and
From the feeling of lost control
Your essence is pure light and
The world can be a dark place
I know I can't change that
Just remember you aren't alone
Even if I can't make the shadows leave
I'll stay with you until the sunrise

Electricity runs through my body
As I walk beside you in the darkness
Our arms brush and my heart drops
I don't want to be anywhere else

The cold wind doesn't phase me
I am entrenched in my excitement
The night is still and beautiful
The bridge tall and magnificent

We find solace in an old apartment
Where everything is empty and neutral
What a ******* contrast it is
To where I am with you

As we sprawl out on shaggy carpeting
Time ceases to exist
And despite all odds I guarantee
Somehow, somewhere our souls know each other

This peace and tranquility
Brings solace to the endlessness of life
A rare moment to breathe clearly
When I didn't know I was holding my breath

Everything inside me wants to hold your hand
And when our hands do clasp together
Explosions detonate inside my chest

5 hours of endless conversation
Laced with comfortable silence
And still, when we decide to finally leave
I wish we didn't have to

I could spend days with you
Doing nothing together would be everything
Your voice and your laugh and your smile
Make everything else go dim

I don't know why or how
The universe threw us together
But every moment since
I am undeniably grateful

My mind preoccupied
Thoughts of you float by
Golden leaves on a gentle stream
Like autumn in the Midwest

Hugs like heaven
You lean into me
You're soft and gentle
I don't want to let you go
So I hold you close instead
Willing time to freeze
Even for a moment
It's like nothing else exists
I breathe into my senses
Warmth and peace embodied
Every moment with you feels like
Both a lifetime and a fleeting dream

We're standing at an invisible wall
Staring into the deep blue abyss
As graceful creatures glide by
I am breathless
You ask me to sit with you and I do
Careful not to lean too close
Trying to figure out if it's in my head
Or if you're leaning in a little too
Wherever we are, time isn't
We talk and watch sharks circling by
As people come and go before us
I'd gladly sit here all night with you
I'm not pulled to you by the rush of my heartbeat
Although that is distracting too
It's this calm and comfortable essence
The balancing act of our energies
I want to hold your hand and
I want you to think I'm cute
And even if it isn't mutual
I still want to be right here with you

I'm sorry for existing
I'm sorry for being so broken
You all deserve better
Than the person I am today
I could just fade away
It would be better that way
You could surround yourself with flowers
Instead of breathing in my poison
Plant trees instead of me
Free the air of my toxicity
I don't want to do this anymore
I don't want to be here again and again
I know I'm a burden and
I know you'd all be better off
I just want this to end
I've had enough

I know there's truth inside me
As it echoes against my bones
I like to pretend it isn't real
But I can feel it in my soul
I have thoughts in my head
That I don't want anyone to see
So I keep it together as best I can
And use these meds to hide myself from me
I want to talk about it all
Give the words some space to breathe
But my brain keeps telling me I can't
If I do then everyone will leave
They can't know about the fact
That I think I deserve to die
I am trying so hard to get better
And yet it feels like such a lie
Part of me believes that I am the worst
Undoubtedly broken into jagged pieces
That no matter what I say or do
The poison of my soul won't be defeated
I search for the answers in everything
I grasp for any solution that I can
I'd give anything to be more than this
Broken, poisonous, empty human

I feel the poison as it bleeds
Through my veins and
Each one of my extremities
Burning my insides
Freeing my mind
I freely give up this sobriety
I tried to live cleanly
Taking care of my body
But it never fixed my sanity
The drinks slow me down
Make it easier to cope
With this suffocating anxiety
What good is a life
So easily controlled
By all the darkness inside of me
I ache to be free
To float gleefully
Away from this broken reality
And what I actually mean
Is that I'm ready to bleed
Until I am no longer a part of me

Yesterday I had this realization
That type of realization that feels
So familiar
Because you've known about it
And kept your eyes closed to it
As though not seeing it won't make it real
As if running from it
Or constant distractions
Or unending numbing
Could spare you from it's grasp
From the truth
Your truth
Buried deep inside of you
Fighting you
Begging for air and to be let through
Because it's suffocating in there
And that pain doesn't **** the feeling
Only you
Because unfelt feelings become symptoms
And you can run until you collapse
Or even die from exertion
But in that last breath
That last thought in your head
Will finally seize you
And so as I drove towards our house
Not a home because it isn't safe there
Dreading the awkward silences
The conversation I knew was coming
I made space for my inner truth
That exiled realization I can't avoid anymore
And it told me I still want to die
I still feel alone and like I don't belong
Like there is no place in this striving world
No place for a nostalgic like me
Who believes in peace and accountability
And won't buy into the tech or the system
I have no home in this world
I want to stop and sit in the trees
But everyone and everything is racing past me
And their energy is infectious
A poison
The one I grew up breathing
The one telling me I need more
I need to be more
That even when I succeed it will never be enough
The goal post that's always moving
My brain is saturated with that anxiety
So even when I take a moment to breath
Everything inside me screams
As if there's something better I should be doing
And I am just so tired
I don't want this
I don't know how to make it stop
So my brain asks for death instead