I am a warrior.
Stronger than her demons.
Braver than the darkness.

Often times people say go to the gym, “It’ll make you happy, and you’ll feel energized!”

These are some of the things I’ve experienced or thoughts I’ve manifested over my teenage years. Ahh yes great ol’ puberty! Onto adulthood, yikes!

Go to the gym and lose that extra weight that your family and so called “friends” have been passively judging you for.

Go to the gym, but don’t lift weights because you’ll get bulky, and no one will ever love you if you look like a female Hulk.

Go to the gym. Go to the gym. I hear this left and right. But I fear that I’ll embarrass myself and that everyone is watching me.

Anxiety and panic attacks hold me back. And what happens when that clinically depressed person is told time and time again to “just work out” and “get out of bed; it’ll make you feel great?” What if they just came down from a manic episode and crashed? What will people say then?

Well I know what I want to say:
This isn’t as simple as the morning blues or that feeling you have after listening to a sad song that reminds you of your past. (Not to disqualify those emotions whatsoever.)

Depression is the ruminating thoughts that no one loves you or ever will. It is feeling so empty that your appetite is nonexistent and your motivation to do what you once loved is gone.

Anxiety is holding your breath and forgetting to breathe, so you just sit there in pain until finally someone or something reminds you to release.

Release all that you’ve built up. Stop the isolation, and share what’s on your mind. It’s not easy. Trust me I know.

Two days ago I went to the gym, and yesterday I went to the gym. Can you guess what I did today? I went to the gym despite every fiber in my being telling me I couldn’t.

I had the support of my mom and sister. Find a gym buddy. Start small because all the machines and strong people can look intimidating. But they all started somewhere and now you can too.

Make a goal. Something that is not too small or too large. For me, I’m training for a 5K that’s in the beginning of May. It will be challenging yet doable.

Sometimes none of us knows what we’re doing, and that’s the beauty and challenges of life. Don’t quit after one try. Your journey is now starting its new chapter. Stay in the present moment, and keep going. I believe in you.

"Your hair will fall out"
"You'll faint and pass out"
"Why must you hurt yourself?"

I don't mean to, I swear
I try to recover
Each time I fail

Skin and bones are what I desire
At least that's what my mind tells me
As my body is starving, fading away

Recovery is hard
Relapse is familiar
My eating disorder is killing me

As I open my eyes,
I feel the pain spread–
faster than a wildfire.

Sometimes I let it consume me,
but tonight I will fight it.

Mind is racing.
Leg is shaking.
Palms are sweating.
Heart is pounding.
Throat is closing.
Am I dying?

One life
One promise
One relapse
One mistake
One death
Two cold hands
Two empty eyes
Two lost souls
Too little, too late.

There’s a buzzing energy inside of me
I bounce from wall to wall
Ideas come and go
Scribbles of nonsense on plenty of paper
My mind is racing
It’s as fast as carousel
And I can’t seem to get off of it

I am a high level being
God is talking to me
He’s telling me I must sacrifice myself
These scars on my body tell different stories

The smallest bit of rationality tells me:
Take your medication
Talk to your support system
Call your therapist or psychiatrist

Oh, but manic me refuses
Manic me has cravings
That must be addressed
I must shop until my bank account is in the negatives
I must ******* until my fingers are numb
I must clean until there is nothing
Left to change
I must, I must, I must

But I can’t
Because I can’t seem to get out of bed
Because I scream at my family
When they least deserve it
Because I burst into tears
When I can’t figure out
Who I am anymore

Can’t you see?
This is a mixed episode
I’m trapped, stuck and alone
But just remember,
Despite all this

You can’t stop me
Why can you see?
I am invincible
I am invincible
Oh yes, I’m invincible

I didn’t know what to do
All it took were those three words
Right before our lips touched
And I was speechless
Ooh I was speechless

I closed my eyes and said it too
You smiled as we embraced
And we became one
I was the happiest girl alive

Next thing we know the sun went down
So we stared at the moon and howled
Then we laughed and had some kicks
Nothing with you is ever meaningless

As we lied in bed, I watched you sleep
Once again you took my breath
And I was speechless
Ooh you make me speechless

I step into the shower
Tears roll down my cheek
I can’t stand to look at my body
What has become of me?

Ohh I want to cut myself
Again and again
Because I feel disgust and want control
I want to shape my body into something
I perceive as beautiful
And that’s anything but me

I try to clean this body of mine
But I can’t wash away my sins
I don’t want to die, but living like this is hell

What I want is to feel something
Anything but this depression
I tired of putting on a bubbly face
I can’t take this anymore
All these pills
And I still don’t feel like me

I know I shouldn’t think this way
And it pains me to say:
“I just want rest and feel okay again”

But what I really mean is
“I don’t want be alive anymore
I don’t want to feel this way
I don’t want be alive
This day is so gray”

It’s been so many years now
I can’t remember the last time smiled
Genuinely and it lasted
And so I thought to myself: “will I ever get better?”

It’s been a few months
Since I was in the hospital
Coming back home was tough
Leaving school was even harder
I felt like failure
To myself and to my family
And so I thought to myself “am I broken?”

It’s been a couple of weeks now
Since I last self harmed
I still have feelings to do that
But I resist the urges
And so I thought to myself “you’re stronger than this”

I know I shouldn’t think this way
And it pains me to say:
“I just want rest and feel okay again”

But what I really mean is
“I don’t want be alive anymore”
I don’t want to feel this way
I don’t want be alive
This day is so gray”

But for today,
Please just let me be
I need some rest from fighting
This demon in me

“I don’t want to be alive”
At least not for today
But maybe tomorrow that feeling will change

I have no words left to say.
This empty feeling won’t go away.
Everything comes and go.
No one ever stays.

You are precious.
When you laugh, I laugh too.
When you crinkle your eyebrows, I smile.
Waking up next to you is a blessing.
When you look at me, I feel so lucky.
I fall in love with you all over again like on the first day we met.

A few minutes ago I was having a panic attack about who knows what. I was hyperventilating and my chest tightened. I felt like I was dying, but I had to remind myself I wasn’t.

Now, that experience made me realize that I’m proud. I’m proud of how far I’ve come since high school. I’m still me, but a stronger and braver one, if I may say so myself :))

This picture shows how many days it’s been since I’ve self-harmed. Once I started self-harming in the new year, I found it hard to stop. Now, I won’t name any details as to not trigger anyone, but I felt that everywhere I went triggered me around my house and in public. Then the panic would set in. Therapy helps a lot, but you can’t help someone who doesn’t want help, and I was resistant for some time, but now I’m giving all I have to get better.

I am seven days clean from self-harm and am proud of everyone else out there fighting their own demons. We are stronger together. Don’t fight alone in silence. I’ve experienced that, and it’s not easy. Keep fighting through the pain, and remember what it is you’re fighting for. You.

Dear Family and Friends,

I am sorry for leaving so soon, but I could not see past the blues.
My feelings were heavy and thoughts so unsteady.
I didn’t know what to do.

So here I was, with a blade in my hand.
I shook my head as I made the first cut.
As the blood dripped, I could not resist.
I dropped the blade and lied in pain.
I closed my eyes and whispered goodbye.

Please know this was not your fault.
I could not battle the demons any longer.
I hope you know that I loved you dearly.
Now I am at rest, and I hope you all get the best.

Farewell, little ones.
I hope to see you once again.

Loosen the noose.
Put the pills back in their bottle.
Place the knife in the drawer.
Don't write that suicide note.

Live another day.
See where life may take you tomorrow.

I can’t escape my mind, but I am in control of my actions.
Chills run down my spine as I think of what I am capable of.
These thoughts cloud my judgment and take what’s left of my sanity.

Tell yourself you're beautiful
---Because you are

Treat yourself
---Because you deserve it

Take a deep breath
---Because you need it

Appreciate yourself
---Because you're the only you the world has ever seen

I don’t wanna feel this way
Take the pain away

I can’t see the sun
The darkness is too strong

Hopelessness fills my soul
Where is the love

I don’t feel like myself
Leave me rot alone

I don t wanna feel this way
Take the pain away

The sun will rise another day
But for today, I’ll feel the pain.

Finally, I can look at myself in the mirror
Because I now love myself
In ways I didn’t think were possible

It wasn’t easy getting here
Years of therapy
And so many tears
But I’m starting to discover
I am worthy of love

And so are you
You make me smile
And you lessen the blues
Ohh what would I do
Without you?

Remember
That together
We are unstoppable

I remember our first date
Like it was yesterday
It may not have been perfect
But you were perfect to me

I’m here right now
Trying to make the most of this
But all you’re doing is looking down on me
You don’t see as an equal
I’m so confused
Did I do something wrong
Meet me halfway

Oh, three months later
You started hitting me
I didn’t expect this
Especially from you
I wanted to think it was a one time thing
But the bruises got darker
And the pain got stronger
So I thought:

“You keep pushing me down
Why am I still here?
Because I’m still in love with you
Even when I spread some tears”

Oh, I’m love with you
This is pained love
And I can’t take it anymore
I might still love you
But I’m falling, falling out of trust for you

So here’s my good bye
You never even tried
To say sorry, sorry
For all the lies
You were my prince
And I was your servant
I couldn’t see that but now I’m free
From this pained love
Oh, pained love

You wrap your arms around me
Tell me how I’m beautiful.
The warmth of your body
Makes me feel whole.

But the feelings subside
And depression ignites.
I can’t escape it.
Why can’t I shake this?

I try to tell you that I’m not okay.
But I don’t want to ruin this moment.
So I remain in place.

I’ve been stripped of my happiness.
The warmth is replaced by emptiness.

Inhale I breathe.
Exhale I release the negativity.

I can’t keep this inside of me anymore.
It must go.
Flow like the wind blows the leaves off a tree.

Away from me this pain must go.
It will not be the end of me.

I am strong and resilient.
I will unveil my beauty for the world to see.

One.
Salty tear creeps down my cheek.

Two.
Hands balled in fists ready to fight the battle.

Three.
Reasons to say goodbye to those I used to love.

Four.
Walls, that I used to call home, are now the death of me.

Five.
Fingers ready to grasp the blade and make a deep cut.

Six.
Prayers to God begging Him for help and asking Him for mercy.

Seven.
Voices in my head telling me to be stronger than my depression and anxiety.

Eight.
More voices telling me to give up because all I am is a worthless piece of trash.

Nine.
One. One. Call the ambulance because I am about to die.

Ten.
Commandments taught me that thou shall not **** but killing I shall do.

Trapped inside her mind.
There are a million different doors.
All of them are locked.
None of them can fix her catastrophic thoughts.  

Only she knew the extent of her limitations.
But she didn't want to disappoint, so she kept on doing more.
All these tasks pushed her past her breaking point.

Little did she know,
Kindness was the poison rooted deep inside in her mind.

All alone.
There she goes.
Watch her soul float away.
Now she no longer feels any pain.

“Listen to your heart”
“Follow your dreams”
That’s what people have said to me
But I don’t know what I want
And I don’t know who I am
I feel trapped in my mind
without a clue of what to do

So I pick up the blade and contemplate life
because I’m lost and in despair
My mind has a messed up way of telling me
that one cut will make me feel better
But all I’m left with is the guilt and shame
So I put away the scissors and crawl into bed
There’s work to do and people to meet
But I sink deeper into depression
I won a battle but lost another

When the night falls, I’m left with myself.
Will I fail to reach my full potential?
Or will I figure out a way to survive?

My future is a map.
I try to plan out the trip
But there is lots unknown.
I don’t know where to go.

Tonight I will rest, and tomorrow I will rise.
Who knows what’s in store?
It’s all a surprise.

You have the strength within,
and words of wisdom to share.

I can’t control these urges
Will I relapse once again?

All it takes is one cut
For my soul to be lost

Blood drips down my leg
Was it worth the pain?

I am two months clean
I plan to keep it that way

People tell me I'm a pretty girl.
But when I look in the mirror, all I see is pain.
I see the emotional scars and sleepless nights.
I think of all the times I've cried myself to sleep.
Every day I get out of bed and question what I have to live for.

Anxiety is my uneasy laughter.
Depression seeps through my fake smiles.
Hollowness lives in the bags under my eyes.

Today, I look in the mirror and tell myself that I am living for me.
I am living for you and the thought of helping others.
I hope one day to see my own beauty and have love for myself.
I hope one day you see that you are more than what others say.

I don't need your love...
I need consistency.

I don't need ***...
I need stability.

I don't need you...
I need me.

Your heart is heavy,
But you shine so bright.
Look for beauty inside.
You will survive.

In your arms, you held me tight.
I smiled and laughed with you by my side.
But in the darks of the night,
I still felt hollow deep inside.

Here is how to make depression disappear:
You don't.
You get better at looking at gray skies.
You put a smile on your face.
It's easier than saying "I'm not okay."

Depression is ****** up.
Anxiety is a *****.

Sometimes I feel these thoughts and pain won't go away,
But I know there will be better days.

I cannot describe what happens inside,
But I will try to fight it at night.

Keep trudging forward despite it all.
We will make it despite our falls.

I can’t stop this, but I can fight through it.
Fighting is hard and giving up may seem easier,
But darling you have so much potential.

We are fighters, you and I.
We can tackle the challenges ahead.
We can brave the storm.
The sun will shine, and we will thrive.

Love to give
Hope to have
I wish for both of these

But for now,
I will get out of bed
I will try today
I will try tomorrow
And everyday after until I feel joy to share with others and myself

Distant from reality
Have I lost my sanity?

This isn’t what I’ve planned
Where’s my mind at?

I have no clue what to do.
I’ll make it out alive.
Now I just have to fight.

This earth doesn’t seem to be for me
I wanna be in the clouds
With those I lost and miss so much

I can’t erase my mistakes
I don’t know how to forgive myself

My head is in the clouds
Ohh let me go

I promise I’ll be okay Mami
This pain won’t seem to leave
So it’s time that I do
It’s my time to go

I’ll watch over you
Just like you did
For 19 years

Now I’m in the clouds
And I’m finally smiling

I know you’ll shed some tears
But I’m finally happy
Here in the clouds
Here in the clouds

Laughs and smiles shared over scrambled eggs and ham
Giggles in class as secret notes are passed
Wandering the school halls with no worry in the world
This was the fantasy of childhood
Happy days were happy nights

Now happy days end with panic attacks and tears
I cannot remember the last time my smile was genuine
Joy never lasts and pain is all that remains
The happiest days have the most miserable nights

Lost between the lines.
All I do is cry.

Why do I even try?

These thoughts won’t leave me alone.
My mind is overflowed.

Am I dreaming?

The thing with anxiety is that it is like a door. Once that door is opened, it is not easy to close. Thoughts flow into my mind like a tsunami on the east coast. I have already been giving more effort than I have. I do not have anything left to give but the world wants more and I must show that I am functioning.

I am optimistic. I am sure of that. But the everyday activities are getting harder to complete and I am passed the point of crying. Tears get me no pleasure and get me nowhere.

These are not good feelings. Yes, they are numbing but they are not helping the thoughts.

Stop. Seriously, I am too tired to deal with you today. This entire weekend, I let you consume me. Maybe I did not “let” you, but I did not fight back as much as I probably should have.

I slept! I should not be this tired.

The levels continue rising and I do not know how to acknowledge them in a way that others will not notice and question. The last thing I want is for others to feel uncomfortable by the way that I am feeling externally. I cannot keep these thoughts and feelings inside because they are eating away at the very little good that is left in me.

It will not be easy, but it is doable.

Stop, please do not get angry. I do not know why you choose to express it in such a way. I refuse for you to have angry tears. I will let you… no, I changed my mind. Breathe.

My head is hurting so bad, but it is keeping me awake.

I forgot what sanity felt like. I am so busy with my spiraling thoughts. Leave me be. I am scary and I am scared of myself.

Why are humans so critical of themselves and those who they think down on?

These are good people. These people around you are good people. You appreciate their presence and existence. But you want to escape. You want to leave and be alone. No, you do not consider yourself a martyr of any sorts. You would rather try to figure out what is going on before you drag others in the mix.

I do not know why the feelings are still there. My head hurts from fighting them or trying to act opposite of the way I truly feel.

Everything around me appears gray. I do not believe it to be gray, but my feelings and my thoughts make it more difficult to move forward.

Why am I trying when I get nowhere? I feel worse each and every day. Maybe that sounds dramatic, but it is so ****** up that it is the truth.

I am sorry. I hope you know that.

I will let nature take its course, but I would not mind if it decided the end of my fate was today.

The days are long and nights are too, but the work remains undone and pain continues to rise.

I do not hate myself. I am very disappointed though. I thought I would be better by now.

I struggle to stay afloat,
But I am not a failure.

Sometimes I succumb to the thoughts and the urges are high, but I push forth.

I may feel weak, but I am strong.
I may think I’m hopeless, but I believe.
I may see flaws, but I’m beautiful.

I don’t want to live somedays, but I am reminded of reasons to stay alive.

I am not a failure.
I am a force to be reckoned with.

I just wanted to believe in us
But you gave me no reasons to

I thought things would change
That you would get better
That you’d treat me with kindness
And not be so bitter

Ohh I was fool to think you’d love me
Like you did when were 18

Now we’re in our twenties
And life hit us tough

You’d take it out on me
With the blow of punch
I conceal it with makeup
Around my family
But I know they know
Something is wrong

I don’t need saving but I’m lost

Ohh I want to believe that things will get better
I want to believe that our trust is forever

But it took one last beating for me to see that
You are monster
That cannot be reached

There's so much that I have to do
They say **** it up and push on through

Every day is just meaningless
All these pills they just tire me

But I’ll break these chains

Ooh, I won't tolerate

All these nights
I can't fall asleep

Give me back my personality

So set me free
Ooh, set me free

No more running
No more running from me

I’ll keep fighting
I’ll keep fighting
I’ll keep fighting until I’m finally free

I don’t want to be alone
But I end up that way

Part of me wants to go out
But anxiety holds me back

I try to push myself to socialize
But depression always holds me tight

So I just lie in bed  
Why can’t I even cry?

Ohh I’m lonely
This is so confusing
And it is consuming me

My mind is distorted
And it says:

“No one wants to be around me
Everyone always leaves
Will anyone every love me?”

This loneliness
might be the end of me

I want more of you.
I forget how to breathe when you’re around.
I love the way your touch lingers on my skin.

The thought of losing you hurts more than I can fathom.

I don’t want to imagine a day without you by my side holding me tight.

You hold my heart in your palms.
I fear that when you stop loving me, I won’t be able to revive myself.

Please be kind to people who wear their hearts on their sleeves – people like me.

Please don’t break what’s already broken.