“Listen to your heart”
“Follow your dreams”
That’s what people have said to me
But I don’t know what I want
And I don’t know who I am
I feel trapped in my mind
without a clue of what to do
So I pick up the blade and contemplate life
because I’m lost and in despair
My mind has a messed up way of telling me
that one cut will make me feel better
But all I’m left with is the guilt and shame
So I put away the scissors and crawl into bed
There’s work to do and people to meet
But I sink deeper into depression
I won a battle but lost another
College is a challenging environment to say the least. I don't know if I'm up for it.
Dear Family and Friends,
I am sorry for leaving so soon, but I could not see past the blues.
My feelings were heavy and thoughts so unsteady.
I didn’t know what to do.
So here I was, with a blade in my hand.
I shook my head as I made the first cut.
As the blood dripped, I could not resist.
I dropped the blade and lied in pain.
I closed my eyes and whispered goodbye.
Please know this was not your fault.
I could not battle the demons any longer.
I hope you know that I loved you dearly.
Now I am at rest, and I hope you all get the best.
Farewell, little ones.
I hope to see you once again.
Right now, I am hypomanic.
I needed a place to release these dark thoughts.
Thank you for reading, and I hope we get better.
When the night falls, I’m left with myself.
Will I fail to reach my full potential?
Or will I figure out a way to survive?
My future is a map.
I try to plan out the trip
But there is lots unknown.
I don’t know where to go.
Tonight I will rest, and tomorrow I will rise.
Who knows what’s in store?
It’s all a surprise.
Tomorrow is my first day of college.
I don’t want to hurt myself or others,
Yet I feel on the brink of something bad
My mind goes to all different places
And I can’t seem to quiet the thoughts
I feel alone, but I know I am not
Why can’t I find comfort in my solitude?
I can’t escape my mind, but I am in control of my actions.
Chills run down my spine as I think of what I am capable of.
These thoughts cloud my judgment and take what’s left of my sanity.
Tell yourself you're beautiful
---Because you are
---Because you deserve it
Take a deep breath
---Because you need it
---Because you're the only you the world has ever seen
Love yourself and mean it.
Depression is ****** up.
Anxiety is a *****.
Sometimes I feel these thoughts and pain won't go away,
But I know there will be better days.
I cannot describe what happens inside,
But I will try to fight it at night.
Keep trudging forward despite it all.
We will make it despite our falls.
You wrap your arms around me
Tell me how I’m beautiful.
The warmth of your body
Makes me feel whole.
But the feelings subside
And depression ignites.
I can’t escape it.
Why can’t I shake this?
I try to tell you that I’m not okay.
But I don’t want to ruin this moment.
So I remain in place.
I’ve been stripped of my happiness.
The warmth is replaced by emptiness.
I’m stripped down to skin and bones. My heart may be beating, but I’ve stopped feeling. Am I still human without a soul?
I can’t escape what’s inside. The demons are screaming. I’m trying to drown out the noises in my head. It’s so hard to breathe. Why can’t I leave this body that doesn’t love me?
I have no words left to say.
This empty feeling won’t go away.
Everything comes and go.
No one ever stays.
It’s been a rough week.
You are the sun that shines bright.
You are the stars that glow in the night.
Show the world you’re indomitable.
Don’t go down without a fight.
The mighty will rise.
Beat the darkness and shine your light.
In your arms, you held me tight.
I smiled and laughed with you by my side.
But in the darks of the night,
I still felt hollow deep inside.
Love heals some wounds.
I want more of you.
I forget how to breathe when you’re around.
I love the way your touch lingers on my skin.
The thought of losing you hurts more than I can fathom.
I don’t want to imagine a day without you by my side holding me tight.
You hold my heart in your palms.
I fear that when you stop loving me, I won’t be able to revive myself.
Please be kind to people who wear their hearts on their sleeves – people like me.
Please don’t break what’s already broken.
I may want you, but I do not need you.
I can’t control these urges
Will I relapse once again?
All it takes is one cut
For my soul to be lost
Blood drips down my leg
Was it worth the pain?
I am two months clean
I plan to keep it that way
I have urges to self-harm, but I won’t let it get the best of me. I can’t lose this battle again.
Lost between the lines.
All I do is cry.
Why do I even try?
These thoughts won’t leave me alone.
My mind is overflowed.
Am I dreaming?
I dissociate during social settings.
I don’t wanna feel this way
Take the pain away
I can’t see the sun
The darkness is too strong
Hopelessness feels my soul
Where is the love
I don’t feel like myself
Leave me rot alone
I don t wanna feel this way
Take the pain away
The sun will rise another day
But for today, I’ll feel the pain.
We won’t always feel the pain.
I struggle to stay afloat,
But I am not a failure.
Sometimes I succumb to the thoughts and the urges are high, but I push forth.
I may feel weak, but I am strong.
I may think I’m hopeless, but I believe.
I may see flaws, but I’m beautiful.
I don’t want to live somedays, but I am reminded of reasons to stay alive.
I am not a failure.
I am a force to be reckoned with.
You will get through this battle.
Valiantly she holds her head high.
She is afraid but puts up a fight.
Her back is against the walls,
But she refuses to give in.
She knows her worth.
She is more than meets the eye.
You are lovely and lively.
Love to give
Hope to have
I wish for both of these
But for now,
I will get out of bed
I will try today
I will try tomorrow
And everyday after until I feel joy to share with others and myself
I can’t stop this, but I can fight through it.
Fighting is hard and giving up may seem easier,
But darling you have so much potential.
We are fighters, you and I.
We can tackle the challenges ahead.
We can brave the storm.
The sun will shine, and we will thrive.
You are the sun that shines bright.
Distant from reality
Have I lost my sanity?
This isn’t what I’ve planned
Where’s my mind at?
I have no clue what to do.
I’ll make it out alive.
Now I just have to fight.
We’ll all find our path soon.
This blue sky is a reflection of the color of your eyes. I miss your touch and your everlasting love that’s floats like the clouds as the sun rises at dawn.
Love with every breath you take.
You are precious.
When you laugh, I laugh too.
When you crinkle your eyebrows, I smile.
Waking up next to you is a blessing.
When you look at me, I feel so lucky.
I fall in love with you all over again like on the first day we met.
You are precious and so is love.
Inhale I breathe.
Exhale I release the negativity.
I can’t keep this inside of me anymore.
It must go.
Flow like the wind blows the leaves off a tree.
Away from me this pain must go.
It will not be the end of me.
I am strong and resilient.
I will unveil my beauty for the world to see.
Release what is not bringing positivity into your life.
Here is how to make depression disappear:
You get better at looking at gray skies.
You put a smile on your face.
It's easier than saying "I'm not okay."
"It's okay not to be okay."
As I open my eyes,
I feel the pain spread–
faster than a wildfire.
Sometimes I let it consume me,
but tonight I will fight it.
Lonely nights are the hardest.
You have the strength within,
and words of wisdom to share.
Your heart is heavy,
But you shine so bright.
Look for beauty inside.
You will survive.
I don't need your love...
I need consistency.
I don't need ***...
I need stability.
I don't need you...
I need me.
Two cold hands
Two empty eyes
Two lost souls
Too little, too late.
Recovery is possible.
One month clean.
Trapped inside her mind.
There are a million different doors.
All of them are locked.
None of them can fix her catastrophic thoughts.
Only she knew the extent of her limitations.
But she didn't want to disappoint, so she kept on doing more.
All these tasks pushed her past her breaking point.
Little did she know,
Kindness was the poison rooted deep inside in her mind.
There she goes.
Watch her soul float away.
Now she no longer feels any pain.
The depression keeps me wrapped in a warm cocoon.
I am used to the waves of sadness and emptiness that comes with this storm. I want to escape, but I fall back on old habits that have worked in the past. I know these are unhealthy, but I am working toward being a better version of myself
The anxiety chokes the life out of me, but it is all that I know.
My mind is always racing and quiet makes me uncomfortable.
It is the default button that turns on when I wake up in the morning.
I see the hole in the middle of the street.
I fall in because it is what I am used to.
I am responsible for my actions and have come to term with my decisions made in the past. I hope that through this recovery, I can notice the hole and walk around it. After moments of hard work and perseverance, I know that I can walk down another street.
I am bright. I am brilliant. I am beautiful. You are too.
I can’t breathe
I can’t breathe
I can’t breathe
The panic is rising
The air is escaping
My heart is pounding
I can no longer disguise it
You must get away from me
Euphoria, euphoria, euphoria
This energy is glowing inside of me
My mind won’t stop spinning
Is this insanity?
People tell me I'm a pretty girl.
But when I look in the mirror, all I see is pain.
I see the emotional scars and sleepless nights.
I think of all the times I've cried myself to sleep.
Every day I get out of bed and question what I have to live for.
Anxiety is my uneasy laughter.
Depression seeps through my fake smiles.
Hollowness lives in the bags under my eyes.
Today, I look in the mirror and tell myself that I am living for me.
I am living for you and the thought of helping others.
I hope one day to see my own beauty and have love for myself.
I hope one day you see that you are more than what others say.
Starts off fine.
Nothing bad insight.
One spark is all it takes.
Downward spiral into the abyss.
I am quickly deteriorating.
There is no fight left to give.
My mind tricks me into believing that I can be okay.
But I cannot do this anymore.
I am told to take life one day at a time.
But how can that be if each day is harder than the last?
Live life without regrets of what others think.
Don't focus on what you think you should do.
Live knowing you're doing what you enjoy.
Love yourself without judgment.
And look ahead at what the future may hold.
I know that this is all easier said than done, but we will endure life together. There is a fighter in you.
Loosen the noose.
Put the pills back in their bottle.
Place the knife in the drawer.
Don't write that suicide note.
Live another day.
See where life may take you tomorrow.
I am a warrior.
Stronger than her demons.
Braver than the darkness.
Mind is racing.
Leg is shaking.
Palms are sweating.
Heart is pounding.
Throat is closing.
Am I dying?
I forgot what it feels like to be whole.
I'm too busy chasing the broken pieces of yesterday and what could have been.
I don't let myself get lost in the moment because I'm scared I'll lose “it”.
I do not even know what “it” is.
But today is here, and I will live.
Laughs and smiles shared over scrambled eggs and ham
Giggles in class as secret notes are passed
Wandering the school halls with no worry in the world
This was the fantasy of childhood
Happy days were happy nights
Now happy days end with panic attacks and tears
I cannot remember the last time my smile was genuine
Joy never lasts and pain is all that remains
The happiest days have the most miserable nights
Do you know how it feels to be scared of yourself?
- I do.
Do you cry yourself to sleep?
- I do.
When people ask you what you want to be when you're older, what do you say?
- I want to love myself.
How can someone so smart and funny be so depressed?
*I don't know. I may be the broken crayon.
Little hands grab the box.
Rays of sunshine glisten in her eyes.
Bright smile and innocent laugh.
Her thoughts are pure and precious.
All of that is shattered when she sees the broken crayon.
Tears fall down her cheek.
The start of a darkening chapter.
I was the little girl.
Now, I am the crayon.
Salty tear creeps down my cheek.
Hands balled in fists ready to fight the battle.
Reasons to say goodbye to those I used to love.
Walls, that I used to call home, are now the death of me.
Fingers ready to grasp the blade and make a deep cut.
Prayers to God begging Him for help and asking Him for mercy.
Voices in my head telling me to be stronger than my depression and anxiety.
More voices telling me to give up because all I am is a worthless piece of trash.
One. One. Call the ambulance because I am about to die.
Commandments taught me that thou shall not **** but killing I shall do.
You'll survive. I know I did.
— The End —