The thing with anxiety is that it is like a door. Once that door is opened, it is not easy to close. Thoughts flow into my mind like a tsunami on the east coast. I have already been giving more effort than I have. I do not have anything left to give but the world wants more and I must show that I am functioning.
I am optimistic. I am sure of that. But the everyday activities are getting harder to complete and I am passed the point of crying. Tears get me no pleasure and get me nowhere.
These are not good feelings. Yes, they are numbing but they are not helping the thoughts.
Stop. Seriously, I am too tired to deal with you today. This entire weekend, I let you consume me. Maybe I did not “let” you, but I did not fight back as much as I probably should have.
I slept! I should not be this tired.
The levels continue rising and I do not know how to acknowledge them in a way that others will not notice and question. The last thing I want is for others to feel uncomfortable by the way that I am feeling externally. I cannot keep these thoughts and feelings inside because they are eating away at the very little good that is left in me.
It will not be easy, but it is doable.
Stop, please do not get angry. I do not know why you choose to express it in such a way. I refuse for you to have angry tears. I will let you… no, I changed my mind. Breathe.
My head is hurting so bad, but it is keeping me awake.
I forgot what sanity felt like. I am so busy with my spiraling thoughts. Leave me be. I am scary and I am scared of myself.
Why are humans so critical of themselves and those who they think down on?
These are good people. These people around you are good people. You appreciate their presence and existence. But you want to escape. You want to leave and be alone. No, you do not consider yourself a martyr of any sorts. You would rather try to figure out what is going on before you drag others in the mix.
I do not know why the feelings are still there. My head hurts from fighting them or trying to act opposite of the way I truly feel.
Everything around me appears gray. I do not believe it to be gray, but my feelings and my thoughts make it more difficult to move forward.
Why am I trying when I get nowhere? I feel worse each and every day. Maybe that sounds dramatic, but it is so ****** up that it is the truth.
I am sorry. I hope you know that.
I will let nature take its course, but I would not mind if it decided the end of my fate was today.
The days are long and nights are too, but the work remains undone and pain continues to rise.
I do not hate myself. I am very disappointed though. I thought I would be better by now.
I wrote this back in 2018 and it saddens me that I felt so depressed back then and did not seek treatment until later. The constant mask I put up was exhausting and my anxiety was horrible, but I got through it and am working on managing my panic attacks currently.