you know its getting bad again
when everything desaturates
and your music isn't loud enough
to drown away those negative things
swimming around your head
making you want to be impulsive
despite it only ever bringing harm
to you and those around
and when sharp objects around
are calling your name
begging to get a taste of whats
right inside the flesh under your skin
and the bad habits come back
making you into who you were
before you thought you changed
growing into someone new
who no longer needed to hurt
in order to feel something
you try to find the beauty
in anything other
than the blood from your wrist

I feel as though I cannot talk about my loss
It feels so taboo
But how am I supposed to spend this Christmas missing you
You wouldn’t be here yet but it feels your already forgotten
I still have nightmares about the day I found out I lost you
Sometimes I sit there minding my business and I feel the pain in my chest
I still have a habit of putting my hands on my tummy to let you know I’m still here
I yearn to continue to protect
I punish myself every day telling myself that it’s somehow my fault you died
Despite doing everything in my power
My body failed me and it lied
You were dead for weeks while i celebrated and was impatient
Watching my false bump grow
For the day id see you big on that screen with your daddy adjacent
Instead I’ve lost you both because the loss turned me into a monster
The grief turned me into someone I don’t even recognise and the mummy you know; I’ve lost her
All I wanted was to be a mother and a wife and it feels like it’ll never happen
The greif came along and killed her like an assassin
I want to find myself again, so daddy can someday love me once more
But my soul since I lost you both has been left so torn
I wish I had died that day I had to say goodbye
So I didn’t have to live this life without you both by my side
I never wanted it to end up like this and I wish I didn’t let me break my spirit
But now all I want is to join you up there with a visit
I miss a face I have never seen and a smile that will never beam
And a child I will only ever get to hold in my heart
I hope I make you proud and I’m sorry I lost your daddy
And I hope that while mummy cannot be there with you to keep you safe
That you are truly happy
I miss you my angel, more than you’ll ever know
While I’m not a religious person I look for you in the sky
I promise I’ll do my best to continue to grow
Until someday I get to call your special spot in heaven my home
I will never stop continuing to fight for me and your father to work out
So we can give you a sibling that can have a piece of you with them
And we can someday talk about you and shout
Until then I hold you in my memories
And keep you in my heart
And soon we will no longer be apart

when i grow up
i want to be brave
strong like you
and be just like me
no matter what
and no matter who
says i shouldn't
because i will always
be exactly who you
don't want me to be
because i live
just to make you
uncomfortable about
the clothes i wear
and the things
i stand for
and believe in
because if one day
i grow up
i want to brave enough
to put people
just like you
right where they belong
back in their place
right behind me
but maybe all along
i have been brave

The smell of a cigarette will always bring me comfort
And soon enough
That taste that entered my lips
Bought me comfort too
The melancholy feeling of inhaling that smoke
Exhaling it slowly
As if it’s an unhealthy breathing technique I need when I’m panicking
Breathe in, Breathe out
The sadistic flavour lingers in your mouth for hours
Reminding you of your relapse
Your mistakes
Reminding you that he will no longer love you if he smells the cancerous aroma on your breath
You ******* up
No matter how much it helps to inhale and exhale that smoke
Taste that bitter flavour of tobacco
Breathe in, Breathe out
You quit once before to improve your health
But here you are
Breathing it in and out
Until the guilt eats you alive
And that smell of cigarette
No longer reminds you of a simpler time
But rather that you’re forever going to disappoint those you love
The light on the cigarette goes out
Just like the light inside of you
You’re both dead
And soon
You’ll be discarded too.

How am I supposed to react
When inside my own body
I feel so trapped

I'm expected to be what I present
But that doesn't reflect me
And this person you see, I've began to resent

Her pronouns don't feel like mine
And they haven't for a while
But changing them has helped over time

Sometimes it feels okay
Others I can't take it
Because how I feel changes day to day

The girl you see who wears the skirts
Who wears makeup to be confident
Isn't a girl at all, and feels like dirt

When you call me beautiful
I don't know how to feel
It feels so unusual

My body doesn't feel like mine
It belongs to a woman
If it didn't maybe I'd feel fine

My clothes don't reflect me
Neither does my makeup
This isn't who I want to be

I'm scared I'll never look neutral
Maybe you'll always see a girl
It just feels so brutal

The person you raised
Isn't who I grew into
I'm a new person today

I've never came out
But it's because I'm still so unsure
And if I told you you'd feel doubt

You raised a girl
Not someone doesn't feel right
A child who'd grow to wear dresses and pearls

I was always your princess
Never your prince or neither
But I've never felt secure in a dress

I'll never feel feminine
Not how you perceive it
But how I feel it is relevant

The tiara never fit my head quite right
And the long hair felt wrong
I wish I could change overnight

One day you'll know
I'll explain it all to you
But until then, I'll continue to grow

It's always the people you meet by chance
That make life bearable and leave you
Standing in a trance
Unaware of the effect they have on you
Like our fate had somehow
Become intertwined with one another
Somewhere along the way
Like a gust of wind traveling
With such beauty and grace
You're unaware it is there
And helping fuel your lungs with fire
In which you need to stay alive
In order to be with the people who somehow
Got stuck with you
Platonic or romantically in love
With someone's grace and personality
Unexpectedly crossing paths with someone
Who has a lot to offer for your life
To heal or break you inside or offer help
And guidance along the way
Like a soul to hold you in safe hands
As you pass through all places in life

They're simply words
Used to help someone
Live comfortably
In a society
Where they don't
Feel that they belong
Because you decided
For yourself that they don't
Because you were raised
To be afraid of those
Who do not conform
To what you believe
Is a society where
You wish to spread
Your negativity
And futile behaviour

the hospital walls
begin closing in on me
i dont want to be here
please let me leave
im all alone here
hes waiting outside
but you wont let him in
until you asked
about my history
with mental health
and i told you all about
my suicidal thoughts
and you watched
as i ran to him outside
and i dropped to the floor
crying and shaking
unable to breathe
begging him to
take me home
because i didnt want
to be there anymore
until he walked me
right back inside
as i cried while everyone
surrounding me
decided to stare and watch
as i have my panic attack
unable to show empathy

if only things were different

we didnt need to scream and cry in the streets to get our voices heard

we didnt need to argue basic human rights

we didnt need to march the streets to protect innocent lives

if only things were different

i wish we could be in a world where it wasnt full of hate

i wish we lived somewhere someone can exist safely

remember when the world
looked like it was colourful
and suddenly your memories
began to loose their shades
of fluorescent brightness
and they didn't seem
quite as they used to when
things were different
and the world spun
the right way around
and it didn't quite feel
as thought it was all wrong
and you wanted to leave
and live among the brightness
of the stars up in space
to replace the colourful
hues that earth once gave
to your eyes as a gift
in return for the smile
it'd leave upon your face
when the now grey flowers
were once beautiful spectrums
of colours you couldn't
imagine even with the best
of minds or eyes
before those memories
that you have now forgotten
had happened and stripped
the colour you once remembered

theres some words as a society we decided were too harsh to say

they were words that in the past related to alot of pain

words that were hurled at someone to cause them grief

as they were attacked for what they cant control in the streets

different is scary so they dont try to understand

they take it personally and lend you a beating and not a hand

theyre not adjectives we use to describe someone casually

theyre words we lock in a box to lower the casualties

it doesnt matter the context, derogatory or not

and you cant make excuses of your geniration as you grow to rot

this isnt your generation anymore

were no longer oblivious to how our society is flawed

we speak for those we have lost and will continue to loose

as you learn the words that just shouldnt be used

Laying there under the light of a thousand stars
Next to one another, so close
Realising how insignificant we all are
As stars twinkle so far
Watching planes fly overhead
While our fingers interlock on the cold grass
Opening up like a flower in bloom at spring
Despite the cold winds making us shiver
Forcing us closer and closer together
Holding one another to fight the icy air
As tears roll down the side of my face
As I tell you things I haven't said in years
Staring at the dark night sky
As I lay here with you this night
Fighting everything I would usually fear
Like crying with someone
Or letting someone in so far in my mind
Where it's darker and scarier
Than this unlit field on a cold autumn night

Finding an item
and instantly
its brought back
all of it
every moment
that you felt
so disgusting
and used
all the showers
i tried to scrub
the feeling of you away
only for you
to find your way back
into my mind
when i thought
i might have
been okay
i hate you
yet i miss you
because although
i didnt want it
you know
i wanted you
to just love me
the way i loved you
even though
it'd never happen.
that ticket.
that ******* ticket.
why did i keep it?

counting down the days
until i will know
if the dreams that play
in my mind at night
will come true
or if they'll belong
to the night
while my voice
praying for you
is lost into the world
for no one to hear
like the ones before
in our history

I was raised
Surrounded by shouting
Fights and arguments
I was traumatised countless times
And i either can’t stop feeling
Or I desperately try to feel something
Never an inbetween
Just dragged from one side to the other
In the blink of an eye
Feeling everything to the extreme
Even my numbness
I can’t trust anyone
No matter how hard I try
I’ll always feel unloved
Because from a young age
I never knew what love was
I never experienced what everyone else did
I wouldn’t know a healthy family dynamic
If it slapped me in the face
The emotional abuse
All the pain I was made to feel
The nights staying awake
Sobbing
Too scared they’ll hear me and give me something to cry about
And now being an adult
Still under their roof
19 years later and still analysing the footsteps coming up the stairs
Scared to be a second late
Or to speak in the wrong tone
Because I knew what would happen
Eternally fearing I’ll upset someone
Pretending to sleep
Faking having work so I have an excuse to leave the house and escape the torment
I just want to leave
I want to be a proper adult and leave this hell
And find that peace I always dreamed of

Every time I think I’m getting better
I have those thoughts crawl up
And tear me apart
Reminding me of how horrible I could be
Because I feel as though my recovery isn’t good enough
And it’ll never be good enough
One slip up and I hate myself
And I feel as though I’ve failed myself
As well as those around me
Why is nothing ever forever
Can”t recovery last over time
Having slip ups isn’t fair at all on me
I just want to recover completely and be the person I’m striving to be already
They say time heals all wounds
But for me my time creates wounds
Because that time is spent bottling things up
Until my head explodes and I black out
And I ruin good things
And fail myself
I just wish to be healed
And better
Why do I self sabotage
And why do I never feel good enough
Will time heal me
Or will it destroy me
Like it did before