"sdr" poems
At one point I called you father, and meant it.
You were not my father by blood, simply by marriage.
I had longed for a father figure for as long as I could remember,
A man who would love and raise me as his own.
The good memories were brief snippets of happier times,
While the bad were vivid, distinct memories that lasted for what felt like hours.
A nightmare that I could never escape from,
They were engrained in my memory like the words to my favorite song.
I wish I could forget all the difficult memories and focus on the good times that we had together.
What little they were, anyways.
I wish I could forgive, the way my five year old self did,
Oh, the love and admiration she had for you.
Now all that was left was anger and a bitter resentment.
The anger and confusion that came with the abuse that you perpetuated.
I would never call you Father again, if I ever saw you
I would look at you in disgust and pity,
For you will never know true, selfless, love.
And for that, I feel sorry for you.
~sdr
Oct 15, 2021
Oct 15, 2021 at 2:25 PM UTC
I remember twirling around in circles, bare feet on the gray concrete floor of the one car garage.
The space filling with the thick smoke from your cigar drifting about, filling both our lungs with the poisonous chemicals.
My five year old self wearing a loose fitted Barbie dress,
“Daddy, look at me! I’m a Princess!” I shout with laughter, posing dramatically.
“Not now, the adults are talking!” You said sternly.
I cower away from you and go back to my childish dancing,
Oh, how badly I wanted your validation,
Your love and attention.
But I was a mere child,
Not worthy of your time.
Perhaps, that was how I learned to be silent,
To be submissive.
How I lost my voice,
But did I ever have one to begin with?
You stole my voice before I even found it.
~sdr
Oct 15, 2021
Oct 15, 2021 at 2:40 PM UTC
The morning light shines through the blinds
My eyes squint shut trying to stop the pain.
Head pounding, throbbing, sharp pins and needles
Memory gone, complete darkness.
What happened last night?
I don't dare ask my friends for fear of what they might bring to light.
I remember the sips of tequila on my tongue,
I can still taste it.
Dancing all night long,
Then it's all black.
I cannot remember when I left the bar,
Or how I got home.
What I did in those few hours,
I cannot remember.
I look in the bathroom mirror and see a cut on my forehead.
How did that get there?
Sure, I had a long, painful relationship with alcohol in the past.
I was a lightweight learning her limits,
And some of my worst memories involved alcohol consumption.
I used alcohol as a coping mechanism but it only made my problems worse.
No matter how hard I tried,
I still could not figure out how I injured myself.
Tears rush down my face in frustration.
Drinking was no longer fun.
I was no longer proud of who I was.
The tequila taste in my mouth making me gag in disgust,
Disgust with myself.
No longer would I let alcohol continue to destroy my life.
Sobriety is hard but my memory and wellbeing is more important than being intoxicated.
~ sdr
Sep 28, 2021
Sep 28, 2021 at 8:02 AM UTC
We all have a fix
Whether it’s alcohol, drugs, or a person.
I wonder why they are called “fixes”
They never fix what they are meant to.
It’s all just a distraction from the pain being felt.
~ sdr
Sep 28, 2021
Sep 28, 2021 at 7:26 AM UTC
I want to take a moment to apologize
For trying to make you bear the weight of my personal trauma.
At the time,
It seemed easier to blame you than to admit the cold hard truth of the situation.
This was something that would forever change me,
Yet I tried to change you as well
And that was not fair to you.
The weight was mine to bear alone.
I forgive you for not knowing how to deal with the situation or how to comfort me.
Only time could do that.
I apologize for demonizing you for not being able to handle it,
The trauma was too great for anyone to ever comprehend.
I apologize for saying awful, demeaning words because I was hurting emotionally,
What I said I can never take back.
But most of all,
I forgive you for leaving
I wish you nothing but the best this world has to offer.
~sdr
Apr 12, 2022
Apr 12, 2022 at 12:50 PM UTC
The more I think about it, the more I realize, the only important things in life are *** drugs and rock 'n roll. Here's why; *** is pro-life, its why we live and is for all intents and purposes beneficial to life. Drugs represent the alternative; pro-death aspects of life we use to slowly **** ourselves. But rock 'n roll? That's just trying to understand each of the two and finding a balance.
Mar 31, 2013
Mar 31, 2013 at 2:41 AM UTC
As a child I was always the shyest in the room,
I never started conversation for fear of rejection.
Maybe it was because I never had a strong father figure growing up,
I strived to be perfect for everyone I met.
I carefully viewed those around me,
Taking in silent notes of the values, morals, and hobbies they held that were “popular”.
They had the best clothing?
I decided that I needed a whole new wardrobe.
If they traveled a lot, I wanted to travel just as much.
I took all of these things and “built” a better me.
One that I thought people would like.
Every morning I put on that mask for fear that nobody would like the real me,
But I’ve been wearing this mask for so long I cannot tell which is the real me from the imposter.
Which begs the question,
Who am I?
~sdr
Nov 10, 2021
Nov 10, 2021 at 9:58 AM UTC
She was like a flower going through a year long drought
Parched, wilting, and tired
But when the drought ends and the sky opens up, she blossoms into a vibrant daisy full of life and beauty.
Seemingly forgetting the dark days behind her.
~sdr
Jan 10, 2020
Jan 10, 2020 at 12:33 PM UTC
I love when you speak to me softly
The words falling from your lips as sweet as honey
Every syllable pulls me deeper into a dream-like state
Your voice, as soft as cashmere, comforts my soul
I could listen to your velvet voice forever
~sdr
Jan 10, 2020
Jan 10, 2020 at 4:41 PM UTC
When I was younger the quiet scared me,
Demons running wild in my head constantly.
I’m older now and they cannot ruin me like they once did.
My past demons can no longer touch me,
For I am enough in his eyes.
~sdr
Apr 3, 2020
Apr 3, 2020 at 10:51 AM UTC
I never expected to fall for you as hard as I did
It was as if I was free falling out of a plane without a parachute,
As fast as a baby falling asleep in its mother’s arms,
And as deeply as the Black Sea
You are my sun,
And I revolve around you
~sdr
Jan 10, 2020
Jan 10, 2020 at 6:06 PM UTC
The things I hated the most about myself,
He loved with every fiber of his being.
Perhaps if he loved them hard enough,
Maybe I would too.
~sdr
Mar 8, 2020
Mar 8, 2020 at 9:44 AM UTC
Every time your fingers dance across my skin, my breathing stops in its tracks and my stomach erupts in happy fluttering butterflies.
That's how I know I'm in love.
~sdr
Jan 10, 2020
Jan 10, 2020 at 2:39 PM UTC
Every time I look at you I see the future
Your hair a light shade of grey,
Crows feet beside your bright blue orbs
I could not imagine ever spending the rest of my life without you,
Nor would I want to
You are my first true love,
And my last
~sdr
Jan 10, 2020
Jan 10, 2020 at 4:38 PM UTC
I know how it feels to lie awake at night thinking about everything wrong with me
My stomach's not flat enough,
I have love handles and thick thighs
I **** up everything I do or touch
Sometimes I think to myself would the world be better off without me?
But then the sun rises and shines across my face
The warmth awakening my senses
And I realize
The sun will always rise
And so will I
~sdr
Jan 10, 2020
Jan 10, 2020 at 1:40 PM UTC
Even in a room full of people, I have never felt so alone.
~sdr
Jan 10, 2020
Jan 10, 2020 at 4:34 PM UTC
I have good days as well as bad
I'm still learning to love myself how I am
Self love is an everyday battle
But it's a battle that I refuse to lose
~sdr
Jan 10, 2020
Jan 10, 2020 at 2:47 PM UTC
One day I hope you look back on your life and you're happy with the life you were given
The **** ups, the love, the madness of it all
I hope you are sitting on your front porch taking it all in with the love of your life
Your grandchildren playing in the front yard with not a care in the world
All the bad things that happened to you won't matter because you are here
You survived
All that's left at the end of the road is love
And you, my darling, made it
And one day it will all be worth it
~sdr
Jan 10, 2020
Jan 10, 2020 at 1:42 PM UTC
I've had *** before; Many times.
But none as spiritually awakening as this time.
Your hands wandering my body as if exploring an uncharted island.
Your fingers making me sing a song I had only ever forced myself to sing.
My core exploding like fireworks on the 4th of July.
You made me feel what no other man could. Love.
~sdr
Jan 10, 2020
Jan 10, 2020 at 2:38 PM UTC
You came when I least expected it
And you left the same way
~sdr
Jan 10, 2020
Jan 10, 2020 at 7:35 PM UTC
The sun rises atop the mountains,
The warmth awakening every inch of my being,
And time stands still for just a moment.
The world is at peace.
That’s when I know I’m alive.
~sdr
Jan 12, 2020
Jan 12, 2020 at 9:49 AM UTC
Failure is essential for growth as rain is for flowers
Failure teaches us the hardest lessons
But failure always leads us to where we are meant to be
~sdr
Jan 10, 2020
Jan 10, 2020 at 4:35 PM UTC
There are nights you leave in such a haste as if I had burned you.
You leave me with no explanation as to what I may have done.
You shut me out of your heart and mind,
Both guarded by soldiers you command.
I try to reach out and comfort you, but it seems I am the one your soldiers attack.
I learn to give you space even if it kills me inside.
Communicate.
~sdr
Mar 21, 2020
Mar 21, 2020 at 10:16 AM UTC
Stay home, they say.
But my home is no longer a safe haven.
I’m surrounded by demons,
Threatening to destroy me.
They watch my every move,
Viciously plotting for when I fail.
I fall to the floor screaming like a Banshee.
“Leave me alone!”
The demons retreat with devilish grins.
They will be back,
For I cannot hide from them forever.
~sdr
Apr 8, 2020
Apr 8, 2020 at 11:32 AM UTC