The only thing that interests me is the computer.

Clearly.

I let days and months and years pass me by while I stay behind the blue glow of my screen.

Obviously.

I don’t care about my future. I don’t care about my friends. Or my family. Or my career. Or the state our world is coming too.

Simply.

Oh no, ages ago the anxiety of this planet and it complications came crashing down to me and trampled over my well being.
It is why I stay isolated. It is why I do not care.

Undoubtedly.

My own crippling fear of responsibility holds me back, this is why I achieve a grade ratio of A to B and my chest is full pain.

Certainly.

The fact that the computer is an outlet for me to talk to friends of all sorts who care and understand, or work on bettering my writing or my art, is a horrible useless thing.
I learn absolutely nothing.

Of Course.

I am happy. For once I can feel calm, there are people out there and things out there that grasp my attention as to say “No, there are still great things in the world”  and remind me that the world is beautiful. This is stupid. The computer is a virtual object.

Undeniably.

And the burning pressure to finish in time, to get it done and succeed in the academics so that I can venture forth. The fact that sometimes I freeze up, thinking about the hard work and the disappointment I may have ahead of me, and how if I do nothing it only gets worse, and that I could be advancing like the rest of the world ,but instead I am held back? That I like to calm myself and rationalize my time by fitting things to my own rhythm? And it makes me so uncomfortable when people bring up my responsibilities? Blatantly prodding? That I am taken back to my cryogenic stage? And we have it hammered in our minds that it's our lack of control and better judgement. It is a weakness. But humans are not allowed to be weak. So the blame goes to the 3DS. The phone. The computer. The TV. The Wii. The technology.

Definitely.

If it’s so unreal, then how do you suggest I am affected by it? That I am its slave? I control nothing.  I contribute nothing.  It’s  that dastardly computer.

*Without a doubt.

This dot kami’s ‘Nam when I see you’re all neutral
To futile lords still passin’ Acts of Removal
Pretentious performers as if upon stages
Of casting call characters caught up in cages
Like ****** who off-shore **** the poor on vacations
I’m diggin’ up dirt on the founders’ plantations
When bail-outs are ballots and bullets are mallets
Why not be a rabbit hole in Hefner’s palace?
And dare call it talent, a gift or a passion
Just model behavior for slaves to a fashion
Show running the breadlines when crimes are a dime
In the dozens of ***** Weinsteins on your minds

Instead of the felons when court is in Sessions
Instead of the under-oath treason confessions
In rapid succession they feed you the buzz
Until nobody cares what the debt ceiling was
When the roof has been raised for the privatize party
The right wants us dead and the left shows up tardy
I’m sorry “you people” are making me sick
Guess I’ll just pop a pill from the cabinet pick
Like has-been Michael Flynn’s and these Ex-Tillersons
Resource hogs cloggin’ bogs up with smogs of odd jobs
They’re the slEASIEST Slytherins still seemin’ Jesus
Pro-life until *** aid is the fetus
Egregious excesses of who the **** needs this
Huge 2nd place trophy wife ivory tower
Big guns for a stickless diplomacy coward

Here’s my ******* tricklin’ down your faces
You blatantly ****** repeal and replacists
You war-profiteering, grand **** of old Racists and fakers, uranium cacres
Still stuffing the stockings of doomsday clock-makers
With melting North Pole lumps of coal-hearted cash
‘Till every last Christmas trees nothing but ash
As the fascist machine builds its pyramid scheme
On the dreams of the themes of your Disney World screen
But the credits will roll as the talking heads stroll in
The shoe bombs of Terrorist’s livelihoods stolen
But I leave ‘em spinnin’ like Christopher Nolan

(HER:)

Waking up with distant eyes
Body numbed in its dreamscape
Still, forced to extract, remember
Unwanted scenes, a mental ****
You can’t deny nor really escape
An incoherent theater plays out
The nighttime chronological film
Your memory drills the decor
Into your emerging, lethargic brain
You strive to piece it together
It makes sense, you want an encore

My web of dreams is wrought with
People in deeply masochistic scenes
Boudoirs and antique settings
I delve in these repeated lunar sins
Inspired by or tormented in a moon fire
Some hazy mornings I remember that my empire
Comes from those profoundly symbolic rooms
Child of the cross, blessed in a white cloth…
Now naked and proud, embedded in… who?
Silky velvet eyes, dark corners and dooms…

Or, like a prophet, dreaming about my family’s priest
Last night a call that hurt so much that was so clear that was
Unreal. A letter of blessings he wrote by hand
Tools on a table, gifted, in the shape of a small casket
In this horror I besought my heart to have erred
A premonition, coming from so vivid a past emotion?
What are your dreams made of?

(HIM:)

Waking up with distant eyes
Body numbed in its dreamscape
Still, forced to extract, remember
An uninvited guest, a dying ember.
Dreams like false memories are hazy
Fading away hastily- vaguely
Still remember a few things namely
A hedgehog hissing and running around
something similar to a floating clover coin
I'm staring at a red colored behemothic door
There's a note scotch taped on that door
It gives me feelings of a signboard.

Blurry visions; I made the decision
to head for it but wait!
The hedgehog is still running around
It looks at me and starts screaming
Strangely the room is teeming
with darkness; Am I dreaming?
I think I am but I'm heaving
Believing whatever I'm seeing
Fleeting valor but I keep reeling
I'm getting closer to The Brobdingnagian
But where's that gnawer? I'm not seeing
him anymore; It was here before

I'm standing in front of the door.
Floor squeaks but I ignore
This blackness is stevedore
Bugbears came back for an encore
Hefty tidal bores inside my heart
Ready to wipe out everything I have
I look around, I see coal-black
No door knobs, no thoughts gob
I'm trapped in this **** room
My head throbs, I'm no Dom Cobb
Need to escape from this maze
I play a bit part in this Big Sleep
I'm not Bogart but a trash heap
Fear streaks, grey doubts peep
I know I'm dreaming but I still keep
seeing what I don't wanna see
I'm more dormant than The Mauna Kea
Trapped in this room like a bumblebee
My mind's worse than a potpourri

I was looking inside for a skeleton key
Then I opened my eyes suddenly
Why is it always like a movie without an apogee?
I looked around to find somebody
And I saw you in the mirror
Staring at me blatantly
So I'm asking you- Hey, tell me!

What are your dreams made of?
Waking up with distant eyes

Body numbed in its dreamscape
Still, forced to extract, I remember
the way she smiled; Once again I saw her
Last time I saw her was on 22nd of December
Now that she came once again
I am not afraid of the hurricane
that hit the coast; I was lost
She found me- Long story cut short.
Storm clouds all over the skies
Thunderstorms loud; Heavy lightning strikes
My life was completely disarrayed
But now she's by my side; I'm not scared
Her beautiful smile- all things it repaired

We were talking, Don't remember what
Like old times, a very long chat
I remember saying yes to a few things she said
She smiled, happiness spread
all over my body, no discomfort I felt
All worries eased, all fears calmed
She helped me like she used to help
I don't want this day to end
Just wanna stay here for the rest of my life
I looked around, I'm somewhere else now
Wow! It's beautiful; I'm looking at a painting now
Where is she? She's not with me
I don't see her anywhere near.
I looked around; This place is overcrowded.
Unknown faces; Sadness shrouded
All the memories we made clouded
my path; I don't see a thing
I always loved her
Then why does she leave me halfway everytime?
No matter how much time I spend dreaming
Happing ending will always be an unfulfilled dream
Of mine; I'm screaming
Then I opened my eyes suddenly
Why is it always like a movie without an apogee?
I looked around to find somebody
And I saw you in the mirror
Staring at me blatantly
So I'm asking you again- Hey, tell me!

What are your dreams made of?



(HER:)

“An apo-gee”
Distance away-from earth
An apogee is a dream
It’s an acme, a ******
We dream of having dreams. We lie awake, we dream
We fall asleep, we dream. We think of dreams, we dream
In this so irregular laden-meaning scene that stream
Is new matter at night. Leading us through the deepest
Crevices. We recall a hazy landscape...

Waking up with distant eyes
Body numbed in its dreamscape
Still, forced to extract, we remember
The nano seconds of our journey
Like photographs trapped in a camera
We lie down in bed, in our camera
Which is, my dear, the latin word for room
We are a canvas, we are the mechanism
Behind the machinery of dreams
Our brain sorts through the day, sending messages
Hermes in a tiny globulous sphere.

But you asked me to describe the machinery of that matter
In my dreams, I am sometimes seer, sometimes victim
Sometimes goddess. Females are seldom present
Men, men, men, it’s a men’s world
They’re not like horses, a mere form of their symbol
They’re made of skin and bones, their voices bewitching
In no fantasy realm. A concrete cell or a palace
A de Sade manor but… then… always in a room
I must be making use of some mise en abyme.

An abyss, an apogee
Away from earth at the
Bottom of the sea

This woman you speak of
She must be ghost yet queen
I have not seen nor heard
The flutter of her dress
Maybe in your carnal caress
She walked away
WIth a demeanor so noble
That left you longing for her kiss
This bliss of love! this… miss
I mean, dismiss.

(HIM:)

And I woke up listening to this
This soul kiss that I too much miss
Is a call to fall up, deep.
Close my eyes; Time to fall asleep
In a slit trench counting sheeps
Keeping up my defense
Against the fin-de-siecle pretence
Because everything in here pretends
to be real when they are really surreal
Some dreams are meant to make us
feel that way
They won't let our problems wake us
So they can take us away
From the Groundhog Day, we live every day

Waking up with distant eyes
Body numbed in its dreamscape
Still, forced to extract, remember
The taste of that hot meal I had
I can trace it back though I go from
one dream to another like a nomad

A world so beautiful yet everything seems offbeat
The places you visit, the people you meet
Things you did when you were in the hot seat
And things you didn't 'cause you got cold feet
Sometimes in bits & parts, you remember
The long run behind the paper chase
Hard to remember, easy to forget
Images in our head sometimes deface
the imagery of this imaginary coquette
Dreams- what role does she play in our life?
Look through the lorgnette you are holding
You'll know she's the one controlling you
When you search for yourself in her world
Always incomplete, leaving an invisible mark
Inside your mind, onerous to find
Makin' you blind during the night
When you open your eyes & try to rewind
That old broken disc inside your mind
Nothing you'll find cause there's nothing inside
‘Cause that dream just died.

Waking up with distant eyes
Body numbed in its dreamscape
Still, forced to extract, remember
I wish I don't remember this nightmare
A nightmare is a night's mare
Don't know whose footprints I'm seeing here
Inside I'm hollow, about to be swallowed
by sorrow as my faith in myself is so low
Not so clear still I gotta follow
the trail all by myself, I'm going solo
In my backpack, I carry blessing from Apollo
Make use of your snowshoes, hare!
Going somewhere but I'm not aware
That I'm in the open air, completely bare
Ears impaired but I hear a fanfare
All I see is darkness when I stare
at the road ahead to find out who's there
The Oracle is somewhere near
Waiting to rescue you from this despair
And make this matrix a magic square
You will hear what you wanna hear
If you keep moving forward, dear!

Untamed wilderness and an open sky
The Mighty Huntress is nearby
The Spirit of the Wolf will never die
Smell of fresh blood, ravens fly
Beautifying the color of the night sky.
Don't know why I was chosen as the prey
I don't know what's in for me
If I keep walking through this way.
Then long streams of illusions
Flew in from all directions
I cannot reverse the flow
It's like those silent rivers
Heading furiously towards the sea
Why do I see things that I see?
Gotta keep moving; Do you understand me?
'Cause time moves fast but very slow here
Sound of clock ticks I don't hear
Home's far away- a million light years
from the earth but still near
Suddenly a black hole appears
In front of me out of nowhere
I'm going down through this abyss
I'm not afraid 'cause I know where
I'm going; The Light is showing
me the bottom of the sea.
Almost there, I can see it clearly
I know this is where I have to be
So I closed my eyes slowly
As I reached The Apogee.
----
December through January 2018

I come to you now, and I am drunk

Even though whiskey has slurred my words

My thoughts come still and steady

I come to you now with a body tired

I come to you now an ever so lonely man

I come to you now on the brink of tears and war

I come to you now afraid because I am without fear

I come to you swinging with closed fist and an open heart

I come to my senses but reality causes me to loose my mind

I come to you now to sleep on your couch because I am still very drunk

I come to you now to repay old favors and owe new ones

I come to you now to reassure my self that I will never need you

But I come to you now because I do

  
II.


I come again now sober

I have come to see drunken thought blatantly clear

I see sober words to hide thoughts away in riddles

But inebriation brings simplicity to this script

I go away from you now with a full mind and a confused heart

But I go to a bright outlook on a bleak future.

the fringe dwellers
those forgotten people
those who society
cares little for

the slums of the city
the shanty towns
the suburban blocks
are where they are found

no jobs
no money
no future prospects
this is their way of life
and ever will it be  so...

the rich denying them a piece of the wealth pie
the fringe  dwellers have  not a good cast of the dice
they'll be kept in disadvantage by the monied few
a sparsity of cash yet they make do

our society isn't even of hand
a divide in social class seems to stand
twill  there be a bridge of the inequity
which so blatantly pervades our society

God talks to me all day long
And I talk to him
And this is the way I've learned to get on.
He keeps telling me to press on
It won't last forever,
But I have to remember
Only He controls what will belong.
A world where I see you several times a week, but we don't speak...*****.
But I'm hoping it won't last long.
Because I would rather be a blatantly
desperate and in love with you friend
Than an exgirlfriend who is long gone...
I've just never found a better friend than you.
I don't think needing that is wrong.

These ***** ****** they want to **** me with their devil horns, probably because I'm above the norm, or maybe just because I'm normal. I'm always invited to the party, but it's never formal. Walking down the corn rows, a little child is chasing after wielding a knife of some sort. I stop and smile back and we both erupt in laughter. Skating by the pasture, maybe I just shouldn't write, maybe I should end my life. I don't know who can save me. I feel like all my friends deep down they hate me. It doesn't matter anyway, they're all complacent, mangy little hippy wannabes. None of you could match any one of me because you can only see as far as eyes can see and I can see that you've been so blatantly dishonest and untruthful. I hope you die in a bowl of cereal because you're all a bunch of fruit loops. God if you're there please show me your sympathies and destroy all of my enemies. I can  sometimes hear the symphonies while I'm overdosing choking on *******. Hopefully I'll die in infamy something like Cobain. I had a nine millimeter once and tried to blow out my brain, but it jammed. Maybe I'm just ****** to living this awful life. That's capital punishment if you ask me. Only if I died would I truly be free. Sink me in a ship at the bottom of the sea.

it’ll be shaved legs and summer dresses
without cardigans
sunkissed hair, skin, eyes even
though you’ll never know, I wonder,
would your eyes burst out of their sockets
like rockets
if you saw that much of my skin
under healthy light?
instead of naked in your bed
I’m untouchable,
a fantasy, barefoot in a meadow
skin so wanted
- though she’ll be wearing hers
blatantly and ready
for you to have,
smoking a cigarette she says is her
last
because
‘she’s only smoked three
this week’
she’s proud, sure she is
though you’re not even sure you care at all
and the sun makes the day longer
the moon makes the night as romantic
as Paris
and you’ll get along
even though you don’t smoke
and she doesn’t know what it means
to not need you
and she doesn’t know what it means
when you’re with and crave the skin
of another woman
- like me for instance -
but you’ll get along
like sea turtles or baby pandas playing
under sheets or
spontaneously in your kitchen
weaving breaths
weaving beats
an effortless ******
then heavy sleep
because you two know what it’s like
to know each other that well
yeah,
you’ll get along  
for months to come

It feels like particles are peeling apart
Connecting
Separating as they please
There is undeniable space growing in my heart
Observable to who peeks and sees

Fate to blame I have no doubt
Touching tears that won't mend
Beneath skin circuits start to short-out
Barriers between emotions blur and blend

Real is rare so bare all imperfections
Fake the majority of what others share
Everywhere I go is overdissection
Judgement is blatantly unfair

Which only adds to distress
Taken without one sound
Cork up inconvenient emotions unless
They overflow
Then I'm drowned

You cannot imagine what it's like
Kills self-esteem to reflect
Each time negativity strikes
Is impossible to correct

Bottle after bottle emerges emptied
Sink in a sea of distraction
Forever smoky air will not recede
Chilly dreams prevent satisfaction

None of our dreams visible anymore
What are we doing wrong?
Many bad decisions
Too many to ignore
I guess failure's where we belong

We will never be proud living like this
We are in darkness's constant shadow
Sins overtake any chance we have at bliss
Dragging troubles in tow

Trust we will be able to grow
Takes years to heal wounds deep
Bridges over teardrops that flow
Seconds wasted we could not keep

To conclude
Retain a sliver of hope
Though happiness may be lost
I build and maintain ways to cope
Stay warm amidst the permanent frost

I am uninspired and lazy.
too jeered to fall in love.
too bored for ***.

Blatantly tainted by privilege.
It isn’t as if I’ve become coated
in self served depression but
emotionally exhausted from experience.

I am modern romanticism
disguised by femme fatal.

Told me to close my eyes and count to ten,
I counted down to one and then back up again.
It almost feels like it’s a crime
how blatantly I waste my time,
what does it matter? If it would shatter, it would still be mine.

Nightly I brush my hands against the dark sky,
I know it’s painted with splotched stars but not seen by the eye.
It’s creating ice cold fingers,
and a chill that lingers,
though bold, I was never a fan of cold.

It’s just that I’m trapped in another space,
my time and reality are lacking trace,
I’m right that I’m in the wrong place.
Or maybe we’ve just all been dead for years,
no one wants to add to their fears,
but the thought is turning gears.
It’s plausible, not impossible.

Told me to close my eyes and spin around,
counter and clockwise I whirled until I was on the ground.
I feel too old to play hide and seek,
strong night vision but perception’s weak,
I’m lacking balance, it’s never been in my talents, it’s looking bleak.

It’s just that I’m trapped in another space,
unable to alter my choices in this case,
the isolation and void I just can’t face.
Or maybe I’m just separated from the galaxy,
outcasted from the place I’m meant to be,
stuck in the shoes of an alternate reality Emily.
Growing more deranged, some things don’t change.

President Comb-Over,
Quite the despicable guy
Got himself elected
But the wise folk wonder why.
Obama wore a tan suit
Conservatives went insane,
But this Wimpy lookalike butterball
Sports a totally artificial mane.

If ****** predation were a soccer game
This **** would win The World Cup.
If you ignored the news and his tweets
You’d think someone made this horror show up.
He’s lied and cheated and swindled his way
In to more lucrative deals than he deserved
Then a large minority of certifiable idiots
Elected him so he could to pretend to serve.

He took the Oath of Office, quite smugly
But that’s where his integrity would end.
He set about making deals for himself
His trophy wives, his offspring and friends.
He made few attempts to cover his tracks,
Mostly just shouted blatantly obvious lies
By which he was fooling no one intelligent.
Just the moronic, the foolish and unwise.

He relied on the vagaries of human nature
That voters are among the laziest humans
And would rather vote for a rascal it seems
Than take a chance on an honest new man
Or woman, or gay or an experienced soul
That could take over the Presidential reins
Instead of driving our country straight to hell
And making huge profits off the remains.

Brent Kincaid
4/23/2019

Stair sitting
Star gazing
Deep in thought
Galaxies in my eyes
Glass in my nose
Ill never stop loving the stars up above
Ill never stop loving the way it burns
Ive got angels in my veins
And demons in my soul
Im really not for one addiction
But the world is always spinning
So why cant i?
Its just a little i say
Its only for a day
Or 2 or 3
Maybe more
Its easy to walk away
But hard to stay gone
Im made from star dust and bad decisions
So when the devil himself comes in crystal disguise
Im pulled into it’s fiery hell once again
And *******! Does it feel so good
Im falling in love and i dont want to stop
Take my hand
Take my money
Lead me on the path to heaven
Lead me on the path of self destruction
Set my soul on fire
Send my mind racing
Ice cold thoughts
Climbing and diving on the monster
Only when i finally come down
Are there whispers in my ears
Is this really all worth it?
What if you die in the crash?
Bruised knees and scraped elbows
The whispers come back
Another question appears
What if the ride is worth it?
What if setting foot on the blatantly treacherous path is the best part?
What if the fun is in the climb?
Im drowning in the swamp of self pity
And sinking in the quicksand for a fractured psyche
But For the first time in a long time it all seems worth it
The stars have never looked as beautiful as they do
Than when im speeding through my thoughts
And ive never felt as close to heaven as i do
Than when im making love to the devil
I know i’m selling my soul.
Signing my death certificate
And i see his struggles,
The way it destroys him
But i cant bring myself to walk away from it
Not again.
Im hand in hand with my crystal clear knight
Married to the drug
Til death do us part.

While reading
A romance novel
Being inside the mind of a man
Listening to his thoughts
It makes me create my own
In wonder
Like
I wonder if any guy
Has ever thought of
Kissing my lips
Which he finds perfect
While he's stared at me

I wonder if any guy
Has ever thought of
What it would be like
To be my boyfriend
To be the only guy
In the world
That I could
Hold
Touch
Kiss
That I could trust
That I could love

I wonder if any guy
Has ever thought of me
Long after we've seen
Each other

I wonder if any guy
Has blatantly flirted with me
And grew frustrated
Because I didn't pick up on it

I wonder if any guy
Has found me intimidating
To the point
Where it makes them believe
That I'm out of their league

I wonder if any guy
Believed that I was
Beautiful
Perfect even
That I was the embodiment of everything
They craved for

I wonder if any guy
Made me the topic
Of endless conversations
He had
With his closest friends

I wonder if any guy
Believed that I made them a better person

I wonder if any guy
After briefly meeting me
Wanted to impress me
In order to feel worthy of me

I wonder if any guy
Became amused to the thought
Of how I had no clue on just how much I affected him
All while I was talking to him

I wonder if any guy
Wondered what it would feel like
To have our hands intertwined

I wonder if any guy
Wanted to pour out his heart to me
But thought that my small
Delicate hands
Wouldn't be able to contain
His unyielding proclamation

I wonder if any guy
Thinks that I'm the most perfect girl
They have ever met
And that whoever I end up with
Will be the "luckiest *******" in the world

I wonder if any guy
Spent hours
Over analyzing my response
Or actions
Hoping that they were more
Than just kindness

I wonder if any guy
Had an internal battle
About the words he spoke to me
Wondering if they were
Stupid or cheesy

I wonder if any guy
Has gotten nervous
Whenever I smiled or talked
To them

I wonder if any guy
Wished that I was his girl
That he could proudly proclaim
His
To the entire world
With bold confidence
In his actions and words

I wonder if any guy
Has ever been hyperaware of my
Every movement
Like you would with a huge crush
That's in the room

I wonder if any guy
Had to fight the strong urge
Of wrapping their arms
Around my body
In an all consuming embrace

I wonder if any guy
Snuck secret glances
In my direction
Without my knowledge
Just so he could admire me
From afar
Without me noticing

I wonder if any guy
Showed pictures of me
From social media
To his friends
To explain his infatuation

I wonder if any guy
Looked at me
And silently contemplated
If there was even a guy
On earth
Worthy enough
For me

I wonder if any guy
Wished he had the confidence
To go up me and strike a conversation
But felt too nervous to

I wonder if any guy
Has ever been
Overwhelmed or confused
By the unfamiliar emotions
That they receive
Whenever they see or think
About me

I wonder if any guy
Made me the muse
To an endless amount of romantic poems
That I'll never get to hear

I wonder if any guy
Misses the mundane conversations
That we would have
Because they meant
Everything
To him

I wonder if any guy
Daydreamed of interactions
Where I would fall
Madly in love with him
Because he felt more comfortable
In his imagination

I wonder if any guy
Has ever been turned on
By the brief
Contact of our bodies
Accidentally brushing against each other

I wonder if any guy
Was dying for me to just know his name
So he could be comforted with knowing
That I knew of him
So that when I saw him passing by
My face would light up with recognition
Instead of indifference

I wonder if any guy
Saw me in public
Didn't know me or my name
But hit his friends
Trying to get their attention
So that he could point me out
Because he found me beautiful

I wonder if any guy
Has ever purposely chosen an outfit
Hoping that it would catch my attention

I wonder if any guy
Purposely avoided me
Because he was too shy
To be near me

I wonder if any guy
Had dreams of me
That he wished would be
His reality

I wonder if any guy
Wanted to pursue me
But hesitated
Because he thought
That there was no way
I didn't already have a boyfriend

I wonder if any guy
Has ever been in awe
With everything that I've done
Just because it's me

I wonder if any guy
Decided not to ask me out
Because they thought
That they weren't good enough
For me

I wonder if any guy
Has looked at me
With eyes filled with unspoken love
But mine
Filled with so much innocence
Never truly saw theirs

I wonder if any guy
Admired my ****** features
As I spoke to him
Seconds before coming to to conclusion
That I was beautiful

I wonder if any guy's
Last thought
Before he went to bed
Was about me

I wonder if any guy
Was dying to tell me
That they were in love with me
But felt too scared to do so

I wonder what people think
Those that know
And don't know me
When they look at me

I wonder...

Life, four letters that mean everything.
Clearly, without life who would write?
Who would see? And clearly nothing would be.
This world would be empty, and boring.
It would be without color.
Does color exist if no one is there to see it?
There would be no action nor compassion.
Everything would be still and blatantly lifeless.
The bird would not chase the worm,
Nor would the caterpillar rest it's head upon the soft flower.
There would be no countries, no math, no science or sizes.
France the size of Texas, Jacksonville and Paris,
All would be nothingness, nameless, and void.
No fetuses to grow in to babies,
Naked without knowledge.
No balloons to fly at the end of the parade,
Let go by young Marry, with her father John.
No! Without life there would be nothing.
Nothing to evolve from nor too,
Fish to monkeys to me and you.
Four letter word, that means literally all of the above.

8450 plus one. But you are always ahead of me by 84.
But this doesn't stop me from trying to catch up to you. I can try and fill those 120960 moments with my leaps over cracks in the sidewalk to reach your side.
Yet you've whispered to me, I'm not a digit over 7355. That you've watched the ticker count, and it announces every 1440 moments that  7355 has not changed for 1040 repetitions.  
I can hear in your exhale that staring at the defunct device has been in vain. That your desires, for it to be somewhere near your own 8534, are blatantly not occurring. I feel the heat of your blood as the rush fills your mind that if you stare any longer, your counter will pause too.
You tell me that there has been a problem regarding my recorder and there is nothing you could do because you had to tend to your own to ensure it wouldn't falter.
You don't know that I am a mechanic. And I diligently examine the mechanism. The gears for the face in mine have not been greased.
I had always just kept the clock wound - forgetting that it is useless for a watch to move forward, if it never displays the correct time.

How do you say "I tried to **** myself" to people around you?

How would you say it to your professors
Would it be better to just hint that you need mental help in general
Or to blatantly say you held yourself at knife point when you were home alone.
"Can I drop half of my classes?
Cause they stressed me out to the point where I almost killed myself."


How would you say it to your friends
Would you rather it be somewhat casual
And bring it up when you're talking
Or would it be better to say "I have something to say.
It's kind of personal and serious and you're close to me so I thought maybe you need to know."


How would you say it to your older sister
Would it be better to just blurt it out in one go, out of the blue
Or is it better to build up in the topic before dropping a bomb out like that
"I tried to **** myself when you were away. I hope you dont blame yourself cause I love you."


How would you say it to your father
Would it be better to add some blame to it
Or just say it out front so he'd get the message?
"I tried to **** myself last Sunday cause I dont like the life you chose for me.
My original plan was to graduate and then **** myself, cause at least then I can give you the diploma I never wanted."


And I honestly dont know how to say that I tried to **** myself to myself.
Because I want to do a lot more and to be a lot more
But everything is coming at me fast and I have no one I can hold on to
I tried to be my own anchor but it's just sinking me in the depths of my mind
It's making me feel isolated and completely alone and I dont know what to do.


So tell me how do I say that I tried to **** myself to anyone
If the reason behind it was that I just wanted to breathe.
That I tried to **** myself because I just want to read more books and to sing more songs.
That I tried to **** myself because I want to see the world, and to try more food.
How do i say that i tried to **** myself to anyone if the reason is that i just to live.

The known faces of felony
Shockingly, trampling trust
Heinous minds at work
Annihilating the sanctity
Of relationships blatantly
Known faces, yet strangers
Encroaching on innocence
Putting out the flames of hope
Even before it lights up the world

Had I fought the minds marginal error by staring into the glare of the granite counter,
I might have found myself to be haunted by the thoughts of misinterpretations as I cowered,
Hiding in fear from the thoughts I had misread;
Perhaps I'm too tired, or perhaps my body is made out of lead and has therefore rotted my mind to the core..
Something like an apple in the compost,
Or the composite measure of a lamp-post in juxtaposition from where I stood most often on the night that she died.

And I cried, and I cried, and I cried, and I cried,
But for the most part, it was irrelevant. For the hell of it, I didn't fight it, as the pain had hit the pit of that slit in my heart where I held her so close;
And for too long, my heart fell into a state of comatose, but I made the most out of all I had lost,
But nothing worth gaining can come without cost..
So it's for this reason I ceased measuring what I had gained, or how differently the furniture in my minds living room had been re-arranged by the causation of my future elation that, for the moment, was making me sick to my stomach...
As I found that inside of myself, comparison can only take away from my shelf of rational wisdom and heart to be handed.
Forever, your name on my heart has been branded, in a form I find quite candid in comparison to what later came to be,
The future love I didn't truly feel until I looked back in alarmed retrospect
And realized, I had just missed the border post where it was the point of my comma that they checked,
So as such, it appeared I was under-arrest,
But while my mind was in jail I toned my behavior to the very best and later broke the vestige of ignorance that had previously vexed that place in my mind I had forgotten to check.

And aw, what the heck, I'll blatantly honest.
I've always thought of myself as modest artist whose realized that the world can't be changed,
Only temporarily re-arranged;
And this current arrangement has gone completely insane,
So I'm waiting around for some revolutionary rain;
*** the clouds are quite visible,
But our confidence is divisible by factors of 300 invisible and miserable Marxists stuck in a closet of oblivious self-denial.

All I know is this world is on trial, and if we don't march the final mile in less than awhile,
We're going to miss our chance to plant the seeds while the soils fertile.

So I'm ready.
Everyone, get ready.
It's time to make this world a bit sick and unsteady,
Because it's time for the furniture in our minds to be re-arranged by the causation of our future elation that, for the moment, is making us sick to our stomach.
And don't turn around, this is the worst time to turn back;
Just cut the slack; freedom is behind those great walls we have yet to attack,
So sit back and wait for the call of the words which we lack,
*** they're coming,
And they're coming real soon.
So soon, I can already feel the monsoon sweeping across the exposed cityscapes,
Tracing the skylines shape in the clouds while I sleep.

as a kid there were so many things I perceived as dangerous, like getting into cars with strangers or stepping over railroad tracks while the train was approaching
I used to think danger meant my life was being threatened or I was potentially going to be hurt physically, but as a kid I never ever Wouldve thought danger could be looking into someone's eyes and simultaneously feeling my heart beat twelve times faster than usual
Your very presence is dangerous to me
the freckles across your pale skin spell Stop And your tattoos look a lot like caution signs
the first time I met you was like one big red flag shouting at me to turn around and walk away
danger isn't just keeping the door unlocked at night or stepping on a thumb tack, danger is looking at them and knowing you're going to get hurt but refusing to walk away
danger is falsely believing so intensely that they love you, too
when they make it so blatantly obvious
that they don't

Yes it's true I'm cheating on you
Blatantly with another site
I'm so enamored by her poetry
We're now hanging out  in broad daylight

I keep going back and forth
Between both you and it
Pouring out poetry deep from my heart
Now I'm not sure I can ever quit

I do feel a tad bit guilty
This sharing of my poetic love
But like you heard, with the written word
I can't seem to get enough

She accepts me for who I am
Even welcomed me with open arms
I was thinking the whole time in the back of my mind
What could possibly be the harm

Now I feel I'm in way to deep
To swim out of this cheaters stream
The current is swift and the banks are steep
Guess I'll just drown in sweet misery

I'm so glad to get this off of my chest
Perhaps it'll take away some of the guilt
Although I sometimes hang with that other harlot
I want you to know I love you still

Yes the rumors are true that I'm cheating on you
With another poetry site
A month ago who would have known
I'd have more than one mistress  in my life

If you can't see,
How can you expect to be free,
Sitting on your knee,
Taking it all,
Paying a hidden fee,
To the engine.

Selling your soul,
Thinking you're not part of the sin,
And then wondering why does it smell so foul.

You're in it,
And so am I,
And so are the masses.
Programmed over the eras,
To chase the escape,
Forgetting that it's just vape.

Who are we kiddin?
We all can see,
Fom the seats we're sitting in,
Absorbing the malicious,
Expelling the benevolence,
and being blatantly shameless,
Forgetting that such an exsistence should be nameless.

But here we are,
Here we are,
Smitten by the evil kitten,
Claiming what can we do,
What can we do?

Who are you shittin?
Who are we shittin?
But ain't it fittin.

I guess we do belong,
We did reap what we sowed,
And we did it all together.


Here's a pill,
Forget that it'll make you ill,
But this is it.
There is no escape.
So why are we looking for salvation,
In the new phone,
In the company raise,
In the new hand bag.

Same fallacy,
Different phase,
Moving on.

The salvation you seek,
Is something that you'll find inside,
And even when you do,
She will never stick around.

So accept,
That every day won't be amazing,
And don't forget,
That everyday doesn't have to be bad,
And that's what this life is made of,
Till the day we all are just vape.

Isn't it a strange thing when the sun begins to set?
Like some too-romantic field of dreams that haven't happened yet?

How entrancing when the sun goes down and life just turns to gold
Lying gilded there before my face
--lies blatantly and to my face, just like the myths of old

And that sliver of a second that looks magical to most
To most a golden royal ball, but it doesn't have a host

See, that moment is just sacred, in an awful sort of way
Where the holy and the evil darks have a common note to play

During every other time of day, the light and dark are two
During every other song they play, they play a different tune

During sunset everything deceives itself into a common hue
The vivid reds and blues of midday,
Hidden behind this yellowy lens into a hazy view

And even when the darkness sets, it has two separate parts
One with elegance and beauty, one a cloak for acts of all ****** hearts

But in this moment the angel and the devil do the same
To pull your soul into your mind, your body and your brain

At this time you feel every good you've never done
And all the sickest thoughts you've known? You re-feel every one

The holy self of all goodwill within you breaks
for everything it's missed

While paralyzed in a lustful glow
Remembering every sultry sin you've kissed

For the angel, it's to guilt you,
On the wings of heaven's dove

While the devil tries to win you back
And reclaim all your love

But for me, it's just like the half-second you get
To both step off of the chair, and suddenly regret

Forgiveness, to forgive                    (for me)
Is essentially subtle- to a fault,
Beautifully it's practiced,
Yet inherently mistaught:
To ask of anything more
From the person you've done wrong
Is blatantly selfish, at its core
Pressuring them along.

Unless exactly, specific and honestly, you reiterate once more.
All the reasons which you petition forgiveness
And what you're sorry for:


To draw conclusions, assumptions and things, without the facts in place-
Was to right out start off in
an Unreasonable head space.
Furthermore, my tone of voice
And the disrespect it achieved
Is not what you- Alena, not at all
From me; should've ever recieved.

Lastly, explicitly I have to say;
I'm sorry for my aggressive words.
And the fact I reacted that way is
absurd
A retort- as a minuet or two, voice note
Deserved the block- and what you wrote.

I'm sorry about this- discrepancy
I actually enjoyed you working with me.
I'll leave this here for you to find, &
Hope these words were worth your time.
When you read, know these are sincere; my apologies- true.
Not just mere pretty, fluffy words for you.

Poetry's something I, almost know, you appreciate~ so heres an apologistic-free vers hyphenate.

Silent pain screams volumes
in the middle of the night
it blares like a herald'd trumpet
by day its sound blatantly echoes
lost the words to speak
or convey the angst within,
stuck in a butterfly's cocoon
with no metamorphosis in sight

Besotted bones blanketed by a burning semblance of abandonment;
Barren bodies, buried in bankruptcy. Blood birthing blurry abhorrence,
Blatantly boring bowels with trembling butterflies; brittle, gun-shy bullets.
Beastly bugs scrambling between blackness, buzzing behind blind eyeballs.
Bend my vertebrae, bowed like a blossoming babe. Bound embryo
Breathing- bawling, cries reverberating invisibly in the womb.
Abort my breath in its bland, bottomless tomb.

-SLuR