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Aug 2020 · 459
Letting You Go
Lupus- Aug 2020
It's really hard to believe
The words coming out of your mouth
I do my best to justify you
But it doesn't seem to work this time
Not this time
All these constant lies
How many more chances do you need
Until you finally decide to change
Do you think I will fall for them again
I have before and I was a fool for doing so
But not anymore, I'm letting you go
Not this time
Aug 2020 · 995
No Guarantee
Lupus- Aug 2020
I can see disappointment in your eyes
And how your love for me dies
I can see you no longer want me
As if disgusted by what you see

But I’m trying to understand you
Justifying everything you do
Because you’re struggling as well
I see you’re pain, I can tell

I won’t get in your way
I’ll do anything to make sure you’re okay
I’ll be the perfect child you need me to be
I’ll make you proud you’ll see

It’s difficult to feel fine though, it’s tough
It still hurts knowing I’m not good enough
And as hard as I try you’re not proud
To be the reason of your smile I’m not allowed

I want you to feel proud inside
Hug me and love me with pride
But it seems there is no guarantee
For my dream to be
Could you possibly make them proud? At least for once?
Aug 2020 · 147
Fallen for You
Lupus- Aug 2020
Am I that lonely
That desperate for a friend
But how can I want one
When I'm always doubting what people intend

I'm in need of people to talk to
And you caught my attention
But I've only known you for so long
So I'm taking precaution

You look like an interesting person
Cute and funny and all
So I decided to begin to trust you
Obviously starting off small

I enjoyed your company
You were what I was looking forward to every day
I was getting used to you
But then you decided to go your own way

One day you just never came back
Disappeared unexpectedly
I didn't imagine that to happen
And I began to miss you intensely

I thought I had finally made a friend
Someone who could be my mood
But I realized I hoped too hard
I knew I was *******

I hate myself for doing
What I said I wouldn't do
I hate how I realized too late
I had fallen for you

It's my fault, I know I fell easily
Now that you're gone, I feel lonely once again
There's not one day I'm not thinking about you
Wondering if you'll come back and if so, when?
You opened yourself up again but for what? That person is now gone and you're back to square one... maybe even worse than before
Aug 2020 · 242
I'll Be Different
Lupus- Aug 2020
Just because one person messed up
     Doesn't mean everyone will
Just because one person let you down
     Doesn't mean I will too
I know you put all your trust in that one person
     I understand you believed
And it won't be easy to heal and forget
     But can you have hope in me
I will help you along the way
     My intentions are real
I'm not here to hurt you
     Can you please begin to trust me
I'll be patient, please take the time needed
     But please don't give up
It's not over just yet
     I promise I'll be different
You've been let down so many times by the people you least expected. You're beginning to lose hope... please don't lose hope
Aug 2020 · 344
Am I Justified
Lupus- Aug 2020
Am I justified for my suffering
When I live with people
Who have suffered through more
They have greater pain than me
They know the true definition of pain
Of lonely
Of heartbreak
Of disappointment
Of depression
My pain is nothing compared to theirs
Am I justified for my so called suffering
....You don’t know pain like they do....
Jul 2020 · 220
Loving Too Much
Lupus- Jul 2020
You have a pure heart
So tender and so soft
Always putting others first
Before thinking about yourself
I admire that heart of yours
Always able to be nice
No matter who they are
Or what they’ve done

But I’ve grown to dislike it as well
Because you loved too much
You were nice to the wrong people
The ones who didn’t deserve it
But that heart of yours is too strong
There’s nothing anyone could do about
You let no one stop you
From doing what you think is best
So if you think you messed up
Or think you did something wrong
There isn’t really much to say
You did nothing wrong but believe
And if people weren’t capable of seeing that
Then they were either blind
Or too dumb to realize
How much your love is worth

In my eyes you are perfect, strong with your big heart
You are my entire world
But if you don’t want to listen and would like to know where you went wrong
I will tell you this:
The only flaw you’ve ever had
Is your excessive kindness
The only fault you’ve ever had
Is loving too much
I don’t blame you for anything, please don’t blame yourself
Jul 2020 · 118
Living Nightmare
Lupus- Jul 2020
And all this pain they are suffering
Is all because of you
You are guilty for every tear they shed
For every scream they let out
For all their sleepless nights
Awake at late hours
Worrying about you
Struggling to accept all the damage
Even after all you have done to them
They continue to love you
I think that's what hurts the most
Their love of their life
Is killing them
Day by day
And you
Turn a blind eye
Face the other way
Ignorant of all the the things you are doing
You don't care
All you worry about is getting your way
Even if that means stomping over them
The people that love you the most
That are willing to give up their whole world
They are dying inside
Burning inside from all the heartache
And it's all because of you
Their living nightmare
How could you?
Jul 2020 · 154
I Don't Deserve
Lupus- Jul 2020
I don't deserved to be loved
I don't deserve anything
Worthless and waste of space
I shouldn't receive a thing

There are better people
Yes there are better people around
Why waste time in caring for me
This hopeless corpse lying on the ground

I've hurt too many
And maybe even more than once
Whenever I get close
I'm bound to harm, it's like a curse  

There is so much wrong in me
Mind, body, and soul broken
There is no saving me
My fate has already been chosen

Please don't come near
Avoid the struggle headed your way
Can I at least prevent more pain
If alone I stay?
You don't see any good in yourself, you believe you are better off alone. All you've ever accomplished is hurt those who care about you
Jul 2020 · 167
In My Eyes
Lupus- Jul 2020
In my eyes you are perfect
Nothing could ever change that
You have done nothing wrong
Not only an opinion, it's a fact

You may believe otherwise
I know you're filled with insecurities
But I'm here to assure you
And save you from your lies

Why do you only see cruelty
When you have saved many without a fee
You help others get better
Yet you don't let yourself be

Your existence feels like a crime  
You believe you are worth no one's time
There is no value within you
That without you around things would be fine

But you are my time, you are why I fight
Being with you feels so right
I feel safe, loved, and warm in your embrace
I long to hold you all night

And you wonder why I love you so
But I just told you what I feel and what I know
In my eyes you are perfect
And I don't plan on letting you go
In my eyes you are perfect
Jul 2020 · 149
Held on Tight
Lupus- Jul 2020
As hard as I tried
I held onto her as tight as I could
But nothing could stop her
From breaking down in my arms
Her cries were unstoppable
Tear after year streaming down on her face
There seemed to be no end to it
Her body shaking uncontrollably
Her unstable breathing
And I couldn’t do anything to help
I just held on
Tighter than I ever had before
Because I feared
At any moment
Between all those tears
I would lose her
For good
One of your greatest fears...
Jul 2020 · 111
Dissension
Lupus- Jul 2020
It's not good enough
They did it better
Why can't you be like that
You're not clever

               It seems people don't believe in me
               There's no future to see
               What I want can't be
               Because I'm incapable and I agree

     If that's what they think then we'll prove them wrong
     They'll regret what they thought of us all along
     We'll succeed and make them proud
     Smash their words to the ground

People liked them more
Why can't you do the same
You're not doing it right
You're a shame

               I guess I might
               But really not quite
               There's no need to fight
               They are right

     We won't listen to what they have to say
     We're unique in our own way
     We won't be like that, we'll be distinct
     We'll be better than what they expect

               Why do you believe so
               We're useless in every way you know
               We should just let it go
               We'll look like a fool putting on a show

     We should never give up no matter what
     In their words of hatred we won't get caught
     We'll definitely be putting on a performance
     But on how we started off at the bottom
     to being the definition of importance
Which voice inside your head will you listen to?
Jun 2020 · 136
Perdón
Lupus- Jun 2020
Le pido perdón
No merezco su amor
Por todo lo que he causado
Por todo el dolor
Yo tomo toda la culpa
Porque usted confiaba en mi
Y le quede mal
Es corto y pequeño ... pero la culpa es tan grande.
It’s short and small... yet the guilt is so huge
Jun 2020 · 225
No Veo Lo Que Usted Ve
Lupus- Jun 2020
Yo la quiero, la amo
Y sé que siente lo mismo por mí
Pero hay veces que dudo de ese amor
No porque no lo dice lo suficiente
No porque no lo enseñe todos los días
Pero porque no creo en mi misma
No veo lo que usted ve
No escucho lo que usted escucha
Estoy toda rota
En pedazos
Destrozada
En necesidad de milagros
No me veo capaz de hacer algo bien
Una buena para nada
Una imbécil
Cerrada y callada
Soy incapaz de
Hacer
Hablar
Escuchar
Pelear
Soñar
No soy digna de su cariño
I am not worthy of your love
Jun 2020 · 245
All to Myself
Lupus- Jun 2020
I keep it all to myself
Because I don't want to hurt you
I keep it all to myself
So you won't get dragged down too

I stay silent
Whenever I cry
Because you'll worry
Wondering why

You have suffered enough
To have to deal with me as well
So I'll lock myself up
As I go through this hell

I'll tell you I'm fine
When really I'm not
Because why add more
To the problems you've already got

I cry myself to sleep
But when will you know
I make sure on my face
Pain will never show

And it's not that I don't trust you
It's not for who you are
I just don't know how to explain to you
My every scar

I don't know how to tell you about
The pain that I feel
Without hurting you, breaking you
So I'll stay sealed

I don't want to cause anymore pain
For you or for me
I have done enough damage
Caused enough misery
There are just things you cannot share...
May 2020 · 171
Menacing Zone
Lupus- May 2020
My thoughts drown me out
Unable to ask for help or shout
The bad haunting my head
On my fears it's what it fed

It's all flowing down no way to stop
With misery and sorrow in every drop
My vision no longer clear
Blurred out by what I fear

All these emotions whirling inside
Tired of having to hide
So they get out all at once
With all its mighty force

When destroying everything in its way
Nothing peaceful can stay
There's no end, there's no control
For my feelings bursting out along with my soul

Unable to breathe I guess I forgot how
Confused on what to do now
I just lay there motionless
Tired and hopeless

Making an effort to speak, but can't understand a word
My gasping is the only thing heard
I'm breaking down, nothing is functioning
Except for my eyes only capable of crying

I was living a dark nightmare
Monsters coming to life without a care
I'm left weak hearing all these voices
Unable to make other choices

It was terrifying feeling all alone
In this fearsome and menacing zone
An endless pain I don't want to come back
For I fear I won't have enough strength to counter the attack
...mental breakdown...
May 2020 · 60
Same Flame
Lupus- May 2020
I don't want to become that person
I don't want to be anything like that one
It's the last thing I want to be
The last thing I want to see in me
I'm not that person , not one bit
These personalities just don't fit
Nothing similar between the two
There are differences in what we do
You can't say we are alike
Because I'll tell you that's not right
I don't know what you see through those eyes
But they are complete lies 

oR aT leAsT yOu fOrCe yoUrSelF tO beLieVe tHaT 
YoU fOrcE iT tO bE tRuE 
YOuRe tHe oNe wHO cReAteS thE liES 
yOU dOnt wAnt tO sEe tHe rEAl yOu 
iLL lEt yOu kNOw tHeRes NotHInG thAT sEpeRaTes tHe tWo oF YoU 
nOtHinG tO mAkE yOU sliGhtLy diFFerEnT 
tHeY lOoK iNtO tHe MiRror 
aNd yOu wiLL bE tHeiR rEfleCtioN 

No that can't be, you can't be for real 
Because it's not what I feel 
Just like the hot and the cold 
We're different, I mean that's what I've been told 

eVeN yOU beGiN tO dOubT 
yOu kNow YoUrE boTh tHe sAmE 
yOU weRe molDed fRoM tHe sAMe clAy 
YoU bOTh bUrN fRoM tHE sAmE fLamE
This is a inner fight with yourself. You've been compared to someone else your whole life and you've always told yourself you won't ever become them. But as time passes by maybe that is not the case. Maybe you are becoming the person you wish you wouldn't, maybe you are just like that person. There isn't much that makes you any different, you are just as bad.
May 2020 · 100
My Whole World
Lupus- May 2020
My ubvob
How much you mean to me
There’s no other future I can see
No other place I’d rather be

Always want to be with you
Together we’ll get through  
Love each other too
More than what we already do

Without you I would walk around blind
You rescue me from my own mind
My purpose and forgiveness you help me find
With your love, the whole world I could grind

You give me strength and power
You bring me up when I get lower
You give me support, my lover
When you promise me forever

I’m glad we were able to fix things
I’m glad we learned to enjoy the good life brings
Instead of suffocating, I claimed you my king
You have committed yourself to be my other wing

Don’t leave me, never let me go
I need you just so you know
I’m not strong as I appear to show
I need to be saved by my hero

Remind me you love me and I will do the same
I will tell the whole world if I could with no shame
Nothing can put out this burning flame
For my heart you have claimed
May 2020 · 154
Own Worst Enemy
Lupus- May 2020
Am I the one to blame
For my insecurities and shame?
Do I cause my own pain?
Am I the reason I'm going insane?
Do I allow the pain to enter?
Am I my own offender?
Do I let myself surrender?
What do I do with no defender?

I can feel myself get worse
And yet I don't do anything to change it
I feel how I welcome the curse
And make no attempt to disarrange it

I cannot escape the monsters inside of me
I lost all hope in becoming the kind of person I wanted to be
I smother myself with fears and anxiety
I am my own worst enemy
Your own mind can end up being what hurts you the most... and you don't do anything to make it stop because what's the point, it's the truth. All the hate you show yourself, you deserve it and more
May 2020 · 241
I Wish It Were All a Dream
Lupus- May 2020
I wish it were all a dream
A fantasy inside my head
So that everything isn't what it seems
For everything to come to an end

This is too much to take
Let it all be fake
There isn't much left to break
But I'm tired of the burn and ache

I can't anymore
I'm not as strong as I was before
It hurts me down to the core
What is there left to fight for

I wish this wasn't real
I'm not enjoying what I feel
It's impossible for me to heal
With the pain I have to face and deal

I see it all deteriorate
The world fills with more hate
Now it's all too late
To be able to change fate

But I wish it were all a dream
A fantasy inside my head
So that everything isn't what it seems
For everything to come to an end
You just wish it wasn't true, it is all unbelievable to have to go through all this suffering. You wish things could heal overnight, but it doesn't seem to work that way. This pain is all to real.
May 2020 · 85
Never Again
Lupus- May 2020
Because of people like you
I don't trust anymore
Because of the things you do
I don't believe like I used to before

People like you spend their time lying
You've become experts at it
It causes others to end up drowning
Continuous lies, liars never quit

Every word was cutting through
You were the cause of my fall
But maybe I shouldn't only blame you
Because I was stupid enough to believe it all

At first I didn't want to trust
I knew how humans could be
But I decided to make an exception
Why did I let you get to me?

I hate how it ended up
I regret every moment
For getting my hopes up
But I promise never again
Even though you knew what would happen, deep down you hoped it would be different...but it wasn't. You brought it upon yourself
May 2020 · 139
Hide Away
Lupus- May 2020
I created distance between me and the rest
Kept myself hidden like a treasure chest
I didn't want anything to do with the outside
I grew distant as my way to hide

I was tired of every single lie
They thought I would buy
Their actions were absurd
Knowing they couldn't keep their word

I lost all trust I ever had
Knowing everything would turn out bad
I lost hope, became paranoid
Anyone who tried to get close I would avoid

I no longer wanted to believe
Just remembering I would grieve
There will never be change
It's nothing new, nothing strange

---

It's a shame
Everyone's the same
Their anger they can't tame
At your heart they will aim

They saw you as a foolish joke
And as they cruelly spoke
Something inside broke
Holding in your tears you choke

The pain created grew
Slowly but surely within you
No longer knowing what to do
You ran away without a clue

You didn't want to stay
In a place harming you every day
Afraid if you trust they will betray
You decided to hide away
All these experiences have taught you to be careful... and have made you doubtful. And now you are more cautious, more afraid that anyone who comes into your life will only hurt you like everyone else has.
May 2020 · 94
Inside Me-Part 2
Lupus- May 2020
I show beauty to your eyes
But believe they're all lies
I share hope to all
But let myself fall
I help you forget your pain
But keep it inside my brain
I give you strength to get through
But forget what I've given you

I let myself go down
Preventing you from doing the same
I worry more about you
Because my life is just a game

You have to be safer
I'll keep away the danger
You have to be strong
I'll keep all the wrong
You have to be fair
I'll keep what you can't share
You have to be honest
I'll just keep the rest

To make sure your life is better
I would suffer all pain, if necessary
I'll take in all that kills
The least important thing here is me
I'd prevent you from living my life too
I won't like to see you suffer through
I'll cheer you up when feeling blue
I'll give hints when left with no clue

I would do anything for you
Help you be able to continue
Break down walls and build something new
Because my love for you is true
You would do anything for the ones you love. Sacrifices must be made... for their sake.
May 2020 · 166
Inside Me-Part 1
Lupus- May 2020
Whenever you're feeling sad
When all has turned bad
Lost hope deep down inside
I will be by your side

I will open your eyes
Bring back what dies
Help you breathe
Build up your faith

When once again life has given its share
I will be there
When once again life isn't fair
I will be there

I'll help you get up from the ground
Raise you high up when you've decided to go down
I'll help you grow and get stronger
Can't stand seeing you go weak any longer

I'll make you happy
Show you beauty
Bring back daylight
Even at night

I'll become your hero
Me weak? No
Strength is what shows
But yet no one knows
...
When you look inside
You will find
A chaotic mind
I try to hide

No one can see
How I'm not free
What's haunting me
Is not letting me be
You mask up your emotions become the perfect person they need you to be. For their sake you smile your way through the day... even though deep down you feel the complete opposite.
Apr 2020 · 114
Because of You
Lupus- Apr 2020
Because of you I'm suffering
Because of you I'm dying
Because of you I'm falling apart
Because of you I take no part

My life is a complete mess
With some hope, maybe less
With no future, I guess
A life full of stress

I'm left dead
With the words you said
Stuck in my head
Keeping me awake in bed

Nothing left to do
Just remembering you
Words stabbing through
It's nothing new

You've caused so much pain
The memories driving me insane
Tormenting my brain
My eyes tired of making it rain

For no one to see
My world full of misery
I keep people far away from me
I'm better off lonely

No need to see this mistake
My happiness is a fake
Though steps I need to take
To improve and no longer break

But how can something torn apart
Be able to restart?
Left with a broken heart
Where does it start?
After being told so many things, being brought down, you feel helpless and lost. You don't know what else to do. You've lost all motivation to continue or heal.
Apr 2020 · 95
Run
Lupus- Apr 2020
Run
Run, hurry, don't stop
We can't let our hope drop
There's a future waiting up ahead
Can't turn out dead

Danger lurking around
Stay close to the ground
Don't separate from one another
Just a bit farther

The home left behind
But got to keep it out of mind
Thirst and hunger, there's less energy
No, move on, even if empty

The desert seems endless
Trapped in a tremendous mess
Seems to have no end
Death has become a close friend

Got one injured when fell
Another ill, not feeling well
The number decreases
Left downhearted and in pieces

Heat is killing
Blood is spilling
We have risked it all
We cannot fall
Could this be what goes through immigrants' minds as they cross the border?
Apr 2020 · 41
Never
Lupus- Apr 2020
Never contented of my accomplishments
Never pleased with the compliments
Never satisfied with what I did
Never proud of your kid

Nothing I do is enough for you
I do my absolute best
Yet I always fail the test
Your expectations are unreachable
And I am never capable

All I do and say is wrong in every way
I am only made up of mistakes
One small error and everything breaks
Disappointed by what I said
Apparently my brain is dead

My goal never to come whole
What you say is what matters
Stuck in my head are your words
Everything else is a distraction
Bringing you no satisfaction

All my dreams are impossible it seems
My wishes aren't real
My hope you steal
Your words are what I worry most about
Putting my personal life in doubt

Happiness I denied
I'm left dead inside

Yes I know I understand
You're just lending me a hand
But you're also tearing me apart
So strict and so harsh, I can't move from the start
Your parents' expectations don't help you build up confidence, instead it discourages you. You become more insecure and all you want is to hear they're proud of you and you're enough. They don't mean to hurt you and you know that. But they don't seem to notice they are.
Mar 2020 · 40
I Need You
Lupus- Mar 2020
I need you to stay
Present everyday
Helping me find the way
Making everything okay

Don't leave me behind
Let's discover, let's find
My peace, the kind
To keep me in a stable mind

Don't ever let me go
Encourage me to grow
I need to know
What to say and what to show

Keep me by your side
All broken inside
I could die
I'm in need of your guide

We've been together for so long
There's so much more to be done
More memories to be won
You can't leave, you can't be gone

I won't be the same
For success I won't aim
I'd lose in every game
You'd be filled with shame

But I won't do it on purpose
Without you I'd feel lost
Trapped, even cursed
I need you so I won't get any worse
Do you have that person in your life you are most scared of losing? You can't imagine a life without them, only they can save you, and now there's a possibility you may lose them... forever.
Mar 2020 · 49
We Have to Be
Lupus- Mar 2020
Perfect, we have to be perfect
For others to be pleased
No mistakes are allowed
Errors aren't what they need

Similar, we have to be similar
There can't be any difference
We all have to be alike
Unique loses, reputation wins

Smart, we have to be smart
They won't accept a dumb one
We got to have their smart ideas
A mind as powerful as the sun

They want us to be a certain way
For others to notice we're here today
A perfect image of us all
Showing how we never fall

Prevent the rumors and the gossip
Hide the scars from when we trip
Making us create and show
A new person we don't know

We have to follow their rules
We can't look like fools
We have to obey their orders
We can't create any disorders

They decide what we need to be
They decide what they want to see
They would do what others agree
But what about me?
Mar 2020 · 43
The Person
Lupus- Mar 2020
The person behind me
Preventing any fall
There making sure
I get over it all
Never looking back
Forgetting the past
Moving on
And moving fast
Pushing me forward
Passing the limits
Never backing down
Placing my foot where it fits

The person beside me
Providing some advice
The person to prevent
A mistake from occurring twice
Not allowing there to be
Any distractions
Keeping me on the path
Following all directions
Never leaves my side
Always watching over
Never abandoning me
Always being there

The person in front of me
Keeping my eyes
Straight forward
Imagining the prize
Seeking for the best
Helping create a better future
Allowing no stops
Even under the pressure
Pulling me away
From what I leave behind
Leading me to my dreams
The ones I keep in mind

Without them what would I do
How would I continue
How would I go through
I need them to move on, don't you?
Mar 2020 · 221
Reasons
Lupus- Mar 2020
There may be reasons to cry
There may be reasons to fall
But someway, somehow
I'll find a way through it all

There may be reasons to yell
There may be reasons to scream
But I won't let anyone
Dare ruin my dream

There might be reasons to fight
There might be reasons to protect
I'll find all possible ways
To accomplish what I expect

There might be reasons to change
There might be reasons to not be the same
I won't continue playing
Life's little messed up game

I may be getting weak
I may not live any longer
But experiencing all these problems
I'll find a way to get stronger
Feb 2020 · 37
I'm Sorry
Lupus- Feb 2020
I lied to protect you
So the happiness could continue
I lied so that the fights could end
And we could all become friends
I thought I was doing what was right
I thought I could prevent another fight
But I was wrong and nothing got better
It seems as if the pain would last forever
I didn't want to lie though
My pride was very low
I just didn't want to see you suffer anymore
Seeing you cry caused my heart to be sore
I didn't want to witness anymore of your depression
I tried to keep you under my protection
When telling you the truth I felt useless
I only created a bigger mess
So instead of being honest I created a lie
I couldn't with it. I couldn't look at you in the eye
But I was left no other choice
If I wanted to hear joy in your voice
At that moment I saw a better future
A home nicer and newer
But just like my lies, it wasn't real
The storm came back to destroy and steal
Nothing could prevent it, even as hard as I tried
There seemed to be only one solution, so again I lied
Please forgive me, I regret my actions
I only tried to look for solutions
Is it possible you could forgive me
For messing up when trying to create a better destiny
Would you forgive me when understanding my reason
To try to make things more peaceful and fun
I'm very sorry for something I didn't want to occur
I know I didn't fix anything, instead I showed failure
I hope you'll forget my responses that were fake
I hope you won't remember my mistake
I'm telling you "I'm sorry" with all my heart
Can we leave all this behind and restart
Would you begin to love me once again
After I failed to protect you and defend
Hopefully you'll forgive me soon
Until then, I'll be waiting under the stare of the moon
I don't want you or me to be left alone
Even though your trust towards me isn't as strong
I'll repeat "I'm sorry" over and over
Even if it doesn't bring us any closer
It doesn't matter if you don't talk to me
Just know I regret what I did and I'm sorry
Feb 2020 · 52
I Will
Lupus- Feb 2020
I will try, not to cry, not to lie
I will do what I must
My heart won't turn to dust
To keep on living
No longer dying
I have to stand
Grab a hold of a hand
To not fall apart
And go back to the start
I will do my best
To finish this quest
To move on from this pain
Hoping to not go insane
I won't stop, I won't drop, I will reach the top
I'll learn from my mistakes
As long as it takes
I will grow in my own way
To survive another day
I pray to stay strong
For nothing to go wrong
To not deal with more fails
Live a life like in the fairy tales
When I reach success
I might forget I'm worthless
But until then I'll keep working
I'll make sure I keep moving
I will fight, to bring light, in my sight
I might give up, i may shut up
It may seem my life would end
But I will try, not to cry, not to lie again
Feb 2020 · 40
The Red in My Arm
Lupus- Feb 2020
There it is again, the red in my arm
Crying out red tears because of the harm
What's left after all this is a scar
A reminder of what has happened so far
People tell me it shouldn't be done
But yet there's always another one
Something always happens at the end
Bringing back my dear old friend
Either a line or a shape, but always a mark
Representing the misery visible even in the dark
A story behind each whenever it appears
Caused by my sorrow or any of my fears
The red in my arm, what I love and hate to see
The relief, the punishment both showing up to me
People think it's the idea of suicide
But really it's the tears I hold inside
I'm finally able to let go of my pain
Though from hurting myself what do I gain
It's my only way of escape
Whenever I lose my hope
Sometimes I regret my actions
My thoughts, my decisions
But it's the only way to make me feel better
The red in my arm makes me feel stronger
Feb 2020 · 40
Mask
Lupus- Feb 2020
The mask I wear
To show I care
The mask I use
Whenever I lose
It's meant to help me pretend
To live and get farther from the end
To make everything seem to be fine
And not make it obvious that I'm running out of time
I don't want people to see what I hold inside
Wearing the mask is how everything would hide
To keep a smile and not start crying
Is how no one would find out that I'm dying
I don't need more people to think I'm useless
That I'm a good for nothing and only a mess
I wear the mask to forget my mistakes
Lying is all it takes
I wish I didn't have to do this every day
Not having to hide my feelings in any way
To show my face and not use the mask
Peace and no judgement is all I ask
I would rather have people see me as a joyful person
And not see my heart scarred and broken
If I could put away the true me
Then I'm willing to use the mask to hide my real identity
Jan 2020 · 128
Suffering for Success
Lupus- Jan 2020
Was all this suffering worth it?
Was it best not to quit?
From my loved ones did I have to separate?
Do I still have to wait?
Is all this pain going to get me somewhere?
Would life end up being fair?
Do I have to keep on fighting?
Is there a reason to stop crying?
I came here to offer you a future
To give you a life more safer
I gave up everything else for you
To give you a change and something better to do
What kept me moving on
What caused my crying to be done
Was the idea of what you would be
Now tell me, are you going to take advantage of your opportunity?
Jan 2020 · 33
Not Similar, Different
Lupus- Jan 2020
Why can't anybody see
Different, I want to be
No one should be similar
Me only, no other
I want to be unique, made in my own way
Have different ideas to share and say
Why be someone who already exists
To not be part of the similar list
I don't want to repeat a story
I'd rather create new history
I could create my own situations
Have different and new conversations
I want to be known as my own person
With my heart in pieces and broken
I want to be myself and not look fake
Can't anybody understand for goodness sake
Why can't anybody see
Different I want to be
Jan 2020 · 46
Your Promises
Lupus- Jan 2020
All you know how to do is make fake promises
Killing me as if you were one of the deadliest diseases
You made promises but was always lying
With every promise my trust started dying
You were never able to keep your word
Ending with a sorry. How many times was that heard?
Made one promise after another
Now I could tell the future
Nothing changes, everything’s the same
Living the same life, playing the same game
Every time ending the same way
In the same position we always stay
Jan 2020 · 79
Life
Lupus- Jan 2020
Life is exhausting
Life is to live and make
Seems to be another mistake
Life doesn't always seem to be worth it
Getting you tired and making you want to quit
Life doesn't always seem to be a big thing
Problems it only seems to bring
Life doesn't look like a lot of fun
Making it feel as if you've never won
Life seems to be ruined and is only jail
Filled with mistakes and epic fails
But that's only a part
It has only been the start
There's always an ending and then a continue
The end has not been the answer for you
Problems and pain will go away
You will live another day
The happiness will soon come back
The agony won't continue to attack
The end is not yet to come
You will not leave anyone lonesome
Life can hurt and can bring you down
But take your sadness and leave it in the ground
Dec 2019 · 121
I Need Someone
Lupus- Dec 2019
I need someone to talk to
I need someone to know what to do
i need someone who'd understand what I go through
I need someone like you
I need someone to care
I need someone who's love they'd share
I need someone to be fair
I need someone to always be there
I need someone to understand
I need someone who'd be there to lend a hand
I need someone to make me feel special like the ocean and sand
I need someone to turn my life so great and grand
I need someone to listen
I need someone to pay attention
I need someone to keep my eyes open
I need someone to fix all that is broken
Dec 2019 · 919
I Wanted
Lupus- Dec 2019
All I ever wanted was for someone to listen
I wanted someone to pay attention
To tell me things would get better
And that happiness would last forever
I wanted someone to give me advice
All about my life to notice
I wanted someone to understand
To support and lend me a hand
I wanted someone who'd never leave me alone
To know me from deep inside my bone
I wanted someone to love me
As far as the end of the galaxy
I wanted someone to treat me with respect
To make me feel a little perfect
I wanted someone to make me feel special
And to not make my life seem so small
I wanted someone to wipe away all of my tears
Helping me get over my fears
I wanted someone to be my friend
To always bring my misery to an end
Dec 2019 · 153
Comparing Me
Lupus- Dec 2019
Why am I being compared?
Am I that broken and need to be repaired?
To you do I mean nothing?
Am I even good at anything?
I’m no good
Leaving me unassured
Nothing is right
The truth is so bright
I know everything’s wrong
At night I search for the warmth of a song
I know I’m not worth it
Perfection does not fit
But don’t you see
You’re bringing me pain and misery
Comparing me makes me feel less
It makes me feel like a mess
From the inside I’m dying
About my happiness I’m lying
My heart is breaking apart
Your comparisons are at fault
Comparing me and I’m sinking into depression
Because of your inconsiderate action
All your words attack
And hurt more than a smack
Comparing me and myself I hate
Giving myself no respect, it’s too late
Comparing me and I’m no longer your friend
Bringing me to the end
Dec 2019 · 52
Life is Ruined
Lupus- Dec 2019
Life is ruined now
Maybe we know the how
Life is not the same
Maybe I’m to blame
Something went wrong
Bringing pain so strong
Something messed up
Bomb decided to blow up
Was it all my fault?
Am I the culprit of the assault?
Am I meant to be here?
Did I bring in the fear?
Is this all true?
Could I continue?
Is it the end?
Would it be okay again?
We reached the finish line
Things won’t be fine
No more chances
Worst circumstances
We’re done for
Misery there will be more
No more joy I can guarantee
Life is ruined all because of me
Dec 2019 · 53
I Need to Know
Lupus- Dec 2019
I worry for what will happen
Something will go wrong but when?
I worry for what is going on
Will everything shatter and be gone?
Something is not right
It’s obvious and visible as light
But no one wants to tell me
Why not if I have eyes to see
I need to be told everything
And it better not be lying
Don’t be “protective” and be fair
I need to be aware
I have to be informed
Of everything that has occurred
No secrets should be left
Don’t turn the truth to a quest
No reality should be hidden
Answers concealed are forbidden
I’m begging for the truthfulness
Maybe there won’t be a bigger mess
I need to know the situation
Leaving me no question
Nov 2019 · 243
Won’t Let You Down
Lupus- Nov 2019
I won’t let you down
In your face there won’t be a frown
You’ll be pleased and proud
Your joy will be loud
Count on me and I’ll do it
Believe in me and I’ll get through it
Just know you could trust me
I’ll be real and show integrity
I’ll make sure things are correct
Things will turn out perfect
I promise things won’t go wrong
Know it was a great idea to trust me all along
Oct 2019 · 47
A Hug
Lupus- Oct 2019
I need a hug now
But from where and how
There’s no one who could
And no one who would
I just feel so alone
Trapped inside these four walls of stone
Having no one to save me
And set me free
If there’s nobody, then
Where would the hug come from and when
I just need a hug so tight
Helping me stay alive and feel right
Hopefully there’d be someone
To come and do what has to be done
Somebody who’d save me from my emptiness
And from creating my life into a mess
I just want a hug to let me know
That I’m being loved and won’t be let go
A hug that would bring me back a smile
Leaving me happy, longer than just a while
Oct 2019 · 167
Stay
Lupus- Oct 2019
We can be together
We'll become forever
A dream come true
Alongside you
Please don't leave me
I don't want to be left in agony
If you do, I'd be in need of aid
More insecurities would be made
I need you with me at all times
To get rid of the how's and why's
I need you because when I'm left alone
My heart hardens like stone
I'm scared and afraid
Please stay
Oct 2019 · 70
Crazy & So Dumb
Lupus- Oct 2019
Am I really that crazy
To deny love that easily
To reject it as if it was nothing
When to me it means everything
Something I have wished for
To be present in my life more
But when it finally decides to come
I push it away and choose to be lonesome
Sometimes I think I have no brain
Because instead of joy, I choose pain
Sometimes I feel I am not smart
For denying what I feel in my heart
The deep sadness burns like fire
A sense of stability I cannot acquire
For being so dumb I listened to my fears
Now lonely I wipe away my own tears
Sep 2019 · 53
Part of Me
Lupus- Sep 2019
My mind is not here
My thoughts are not clear
My words are not right
Creating another fight
Frustration takes over easily
Becoming someone I don't want to be
Then it's not me who acts
Believe me, I'm stating the facts
I don't know what happens until it's done
And then notice what I've lost and won
But it's not my fault
I can tell from the start
It's another part of me deep inside
That is difficult to hide
A part leaving me in doubt
Not knowing what it's all about
A part creating me into a monster
Bringing me pain and torture
This is no lie
A side I can't control even if I try
Sep 2019 · 35
Things Happen
Lupus- Sep 2019
Things happen because that's how it was decided
Stories begin after others have ended
There's always a reason for things to occur
Reasons that we can't always choose or ignore
Sometimes we have no control over situations
Moments are created not always because of our actions
Things happen because it was meant to be
To create a future that we would soon see
Sep 2019 · 56
Take Life Seriously
Lupus- Sep 2019
Take life seriously, don't play around
Don't leave your dreams lying on the ground
Use your life for something useful
So that your ending could be beautiful
Create something good out of you
Make your purpose real and true
Make yourself feel proud
Take your pride and make it sound loud
Don't become a reckless one
Because one day your life will be done
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