I wish I still smoked
So I could sit on my roof inhaling this misery.

My memories of you are so playful and sweet
(Only since that day they got this undertone of heartbreak)

It was like this roller coaster of falling in love, the one we all know.
But right at my highest point, when I could see the whole city and my heart was racing and you were holding my hand

Right there
You woke me up

And now I will never know how scary and fun the rest of the ride would be. All I know is how I will dream of the possibilities for the rest of my life.

Why do we enjoy
Breaking our hearts so much?
We share images of terror
From the other side of this world
Then call it ‘beautiful’
We listen to music
That tears our soul to pieces
We watch movies
That we know will end in tears
But most importantly
We fall in love
Like it’s not the number one cause for broken hearts.

Hey dad,
I will be turning eightteen next week.
You probably don't know that.
I'm doing good you know.
I found a house and a study I like.
And a boy who maybe likes me.
I got used to my anxiety attacks,
so the last few times I wasn't terrified.
I have a man in my life,
who replaces you.
And he makes me a happier girl.
I think I even know how to deal with mom.

Everything's great, dad.
But still I wonder if you think about me
as much as I hurt by you.

Her hair was painfully black and strong enough to end wars with
Her eyes reminded men of the sea
Just as intimidating as intriguing
And she would sing her serenades to the moon
And they would break their necks just to stare at her
This goddess trapped on earth

Poor Medusa
All she wanted was to be loved

She let my hand lay in hers
as she tapped it firm and rhythmal.
I knew I needed this moment with her,
but could not look her in the eyes.

She started.
You think you don't deserve true love.
I smiled. I'm such a walk-around cliché.
You put on this act of *** godess
because you feel that's the only way to get male attention.
Now I just sound like a *****. I'm not that weak.
You think every man will leave.
Boo-hoo, ******* bridget jones's diary
Because he left you.

That hit me.
Suddenly I was crying.
Not just tears, it was crying at its fiercest form.
I was howling,
every gram of pain dripped out of me.

She held me.
I felt clean.
I repeated after her.
Even though I'm afraid of being left alone again
She kept tapping.
I accept myself
I looked at her
*and I love myself

If I could hijack all the planes
That land and take off in between us
I would
If I could calm this storm
So we can see clearly
Right before we forget what love even looks like
I would

But my love,
All I can try to do
With these endless days ahead
Is to trust
That when the fog fades
You'll still be looking for me

But you aren't my escape route
You are my coming home
In all the hectic of this wanderlust
And I keep finding myself
Setting foot
On the coastline of your love

He wears only innocence
In the profound waters
At the bottom of his adolescent dreams

And I can't help but
To stare at it all
In awe with one toe dipped under

You are so beautiful.
Why do you even doubt yourself?
You are filled with love and care.
You comfort your friends and family
while you're fighting your own battles.
You're like a free hotel.
The shelter for every hangover.
You're smart.
No, intelligent.
You have all the right ideas about life,
about how to treat eachother.
You're creative.
Funny.
You're not afraid of spiders and hate putting on make-up.
You're independent.
18 years old in your own house,
a study you are paying yourselve.
You are strong.
3 years of anxiety could not knock you down.
You're openminded.
You see the story behind the deeds.
You're funny and positive.
And you can be insanely happy with a christmastree or a wink.
You can cook and dance and climb.
You can be sober and have the best night.
You're sensitive and compassionate.

You are so beautiful.

I woke up on a black stained beach
In a country I wasn't sure of
The ocean appeared to me
More reckless than ever
With your body in it
Looking back at me

I somehow lost the pain
That was always inevitably connected to love
I found peace within you
And you helped me recreate it
Into faces with
Your unwavering blue eyes
And my uncontrolable lips

I could see the way you took my fear
And slowly replaced it with trust
And I could love again
Like it was always intended

I adore you.
The freckle just below your right eye.
How you are able to make eating taco's in a onesy with sauce all over my face feel like a date.
I adore your stupid selfies,
the cat sounds you make.
(I'm even starting to like all of your stamp tattoos.)
I adore your ****. And how you feel like you shouldn't like it when I touch it.
I adore how you adore your friends.
How you held me last night.

I adore everything I find out about you, and I hate it that I do.

You could always see
Straight through my window skin
As I tried everything to cover up
Those rooms I felt ashamed of

But all you needed
To get me undressed
Was a kiss that cut
Right through my glass

****, that was the mdma.**

I felt the chemicals crawling slowly passed my throat into my system
And for a moment I was the only thing in my moshpit reality
Standing completely still for once
Right there
In the middle of Hungary
I felt the prodigy spiders climb through my skin
Into my brain
And I could not think myself
But I heard the thoughts of others

"Why do we do this to ourselves?"

I have no idea what home is for me anymore.

It's not the third house this year, with new housemates and a pile of bad memories on the shelves. I don't care about the twentyfive pairs of heels in my closet. I never feel content with travelling home.

It's not my mothers place, not since years. There's a mixture of scents in the air there. Fights and anxiety, depressions and stubborness. But I still come there all the time.

It's not even the place where we go camping, though the rocks feel like freedom and I feel far away from all *******.

I used to think it was in somebody else's arms, but I can no longer believe such.

I stare at your words. What do I tell you?
That I do not love you, and I do not believe you love me?
That you left me, hurt me, ****** me up?
That because of your absence, this house is filled with medication?
About the nights I spend screaming and shaking,
or the twelve year old me who cut her wrists?
Do I tell you about my sister? My half sisters?
One is depressed and bipolar.
One is depressed and psychotic.
One is depressed and addicted.
Do I man up and tell you,
you're nothing to me. I hate you.

*Thanks, dad.

But my love
You deserve to be so much more than
Another one of my mistakes
That is not what you were made of

You, my dear
You are the final destination
Utopia
After I broke myself
On unhealthy relationships
And one-nightstands
And all that is left of me
Is my purest self
I will arrive
Ready to be loved by you
Ready to love you too

I never saw a place like this.
With so many homeless people, junkies.
Every bench contains a hobo,
blurred ink on swollen vains.
Hasty tags fill the ******-on walls.
Eyes shoot through these streets,
dull, no spark of hope nor happiness.
Beautiful men without teeth,
digging through my garbage.
Sunken mouths and hollow hearts.

I heard that the human body doesn't have one cell the same as seven years before.

Now I'm no biologist, but that would mean I am not the same girl you left ten years ago and there's not a single cell inside of me that you ever got to injure. In all honesty, it's much easier to believe my body is sacred now that I know you never touched it.

They taught us to swim to the dark.
And that anything more than *******
is a fetish, and fetishes are grose.
Never run with something in your mouth,
never leave your room empty-handed,
never touch yourself.
Do what makes you rich, not happy.
And be a feminist, but make sure you spoil your husband,
cause when he cheats it's your fault.
Wear **** underwear from lace
under your knee-long skirt.
And no matter what happens,
swim to the dark.

I loved you so much harder than I did myself
The same way I love everyone
Because when I saw you
The details didn't catch my eye
Your selfishness and your apathy
I saw your soul
And I focused on it until there was nothing else left of you
The same way I always do

At the end of every day
I wash of everyone I have loved
I rinse their souls out of me
And I stand in front of the mirror
Naked
Searching for mine

You trace my skin with your eyes,
And your lips follow.
(My body tenses)
Up my breast, down my spine,
Thigh, mouth, thigh, neck, oh ****.
(Try to breathe)
You shower me with kisses
And you hold me with your smile.
I feel you. We are the same.
You sleep with at least one inch against me.
(You held my hand when we walked home)
You care.

I give up, I'm in love.

I have never felt this transparant
All the walls I have been building
Seem to melt since the moment
You stared right through my eyes
And deep into my soul

I have never liked to be this vulnerable
But with the safety that fires from your soothing voice
And the warmth that electrifies me
Whenever we lock skin
I am no longer scared of what you could do to me

I'd be more than honoured
To get broken by you, my love

I've tried to write a hundred poems
since the day you left.
I've tried metaphors and spoken word,
But it seems that all I have
Is books filled with i miss you's
And a title i feel sad
How do you put in words
The empty feeling of this bed
Has there been named a word
For craving something that's not mine
I don't know what the fase is called
Between ****** up and fine
I know it's not depression
Humiliation, suffer, rage
The poem to describe this
Would just be an empty page

You and I
We fit so much better in silence
Because when it comes to love
I find
Nothing can ruin a moment
Like the question and the answer to
How was your day

I'm on a strike
I refuse
To spend the rest of autumn
Pretending to be whole without you
And I swear
I will not leave this bed
Until I wake up and find you in it

How for one year after you leave
Every triangle will remind me of you
And that I bury my face in the pillow on
Your side of the bed
You were truffle and thyme
When I expected salt and pepper

I will be honest
I just want to write anything about you
Even though the words are buried lately
Under all the highways in between us
And even through the silence
I am too far to hear your love

Maybe I feel this
Need to engrave you with my ink
So I will never forget how to feel you

I was under his influence for ten days
He told me about trails he was about to walk
And how he never found love in those small-town streets
I dodged his kisses as he played the strings of my skin

Our last night, we barely even moved
We spoke of life's beauty, in all its complexity
As we watched the storm coming in
That next morning we pretended not to say our last goodbyes
And then the room flooded

I have been wearing him ever since
Right behind my deepest memories and my darkest guilt
He hits me with the sharpest sweetness about ten times a day
And I just stare at this new scar, in all its complexity
As I wait for the storm to pass

Pick me up
In pieces
Organise my every scrape
Across your bathroom floor
And clean me
Wash off all my imperfections
Rinse away my every fear
Then warm me up on love
And lay me in your bed
Guard over me tonight
As I fall asleep to the sound
Of your lips
Whispering sweet kisses
To my healing skin

Make me forget I even
Wanted to take care of myself

It surprises me,
how many times you still visit my thoughts.
I must have loved you.
Your stupid, arrogant talks,
as if you knew everything about **** and training.
Your white-trash romance,
that time you stood in front of my house,
a picked flower in one hand
a stolen tray of sushi in the other.
I loved the idea of us.
Teenage love, strong and
I know now, also short.
Our first **** on too much speed,
your friend in the same room
passed out and puking.
I didn't mind us fighting,
though I would have never admitted.
Familiar,
suitable for the Bonnie and Clyde thing
I wanted.
I liked waiting for you
worried
when you went out to paint at night.

But then, we went from trailer trash lovers
to bits of things we used to do,
in less than a second.

I used to believe in love the way I believed in a ******* rabbit,
hiding eggs all over grandma's garden because jesus died.
Now I know, my grandmother hid them, rabbits taste delicious and jesus wasn't even born.*

Love is selfishness.
It is impossible to love one, without wanting them to love you back.
To give time and attention to you and you alone.

There's no such thing as unconditional love.
We fall in love with one's attention in stead of one's personality.
We don't feel attracted to one's body, but to the feeling that body gives ours.
We do not love people. We love security, affection.
We want to feel wanted and loved.
And when we don't, we blame the one we never even cared about in the first place.

I am falling in love again.

This is me, self-destructing. I will lie in front of him, naked, look into his eyes the way he wants me too and whisper in his ear the things he dreamt about. I will touch him, wherever he wants to be touched, just so he will stay the night, maybe even come back next week, when his **** wants to fill something up. And I'll be that for him. I will be that ****, but I'll be the best **** he's ever had. Cause that's the only thing I'm good at when it comes to men. I cannot be myself with them. I cannot make them fall in love with me, or make them stay. I can **** them off and hear them say that was the best ******* they've ever had. But when my anxieties kick in, they aren't here.

I am falling in love again.
Please, do it different this time. Please just walk away.

Good morning lover,
I am still watching the stars
While yours are long hidden behind the hectic of your world
And I just wanted to explain to you something
Before I close my eyes

You see, I want you to know
That anger is always rooted by powerlessness
And pain will always come from love
How with you so far away
All my senses lost their mind
And I feel only from my longing for you

There is nothing else
Nothing more
But the space you are not occupying

Of the first time I saw you.
You wore a Barcelona football shirt and
you were so tanned
and happy and didn't look at me
for a second.

Of that time in your attick
with Ed Sheeran on repeat and
we looked at eachother for hours
with our skin pressed and
our voices broken.

Of the fight we had one week before
you told me we were through.
And I catch myself thinking maybe
I should have just shut up and ****** you.

Of the trainride of two hours from
sober to what the ****
and all of a sudden it was just us
in a tent and your lips on my soul.

Of the smoking area where you jumped
me and when we kissed for the first time
and you licked my face because I laughed
at you and ran away.
(This one is ruined. The exact same thing.)

Of two weeks before the end
when you were the sweetest you ever were
and I was so happy and in love
while you already wasn't.

Of you holding my hand when you
saw me getting scared
when that crazy guy walked past us
and you never ever asked me how did he
scare me but comforted me anyway.

Of you sitting on my couch telling your friend
isn't she the cutest thing you've ever seen
and him agreeing and me making you tea.

Of you calling me snoezepoez
and making cat sounds and me
listening to them on repeat.

Of you on my birthday.
You were the only one there at twelve o'clock and
you didn't know if I was going to like it and
I fell in love right then and there.

He's an artist
The way he paints
With bite marks and hickeys
On my goosebump canvas

She smelled of burned skin and sunscreen
And as I watched every grain of sand
Find its way past
Endless legs and golden hair
I couldn't help myself but wonder
If her lips would taste like seasalt
With a touch of honey ***

I think the scary part is that
eventually we all become strangers
and the body you used to let yours sleep against
only two months ago
now silently tells you to keep distance.

I think what hurts the most is that
you used to look at them and know exactly
what was going through their mind
and now the only thing you are sure of
is that it's not you.

You used to call them when you felt like **** and
now you're fighting yourself all night
not to dial their number.

They used to fill your mind
first thing in the morning
and your mouth would easily curl up,
now they're the last thing at night
you think about and maybe
you have never even known eachother.

The planets are aligned
The stars are in their place
And the circumstances could not have been more favorable

You and I, my love
We were meant to be
Elsewhere

I felt like
I was the only one to hear
That kind of darkness in her voice
She will always disagree with me
Just to have power over me
I'm your mother, I know how you feel
Do you? Do you really believe that?
Like you never looked away?
Like you've never made it worse?
Because I can remember
You picking my wounds
And leaving me over and over
(At least he only left once)
I did everything for you
I gave up my life for you
I never asked you to, mom
I never asked you for anything
But now I am
For the safety you could never provide me with
*I'm your mother
You owe your life to me

I feel tingles everywhere,
everytime I find the toiletseat up.

I imagine you running through your days
Laying your kitchen supplies on a piece of paper before you cook your salmon
Making a row of all your jars and then taking one vitamine pill from each

I can see you laying down in your bed
With my shirt and our monkey patiently waiting on my side of it
And I know you will think of me
But does it ache inside of your flesh the way it does for me?
Did the world lose half of its color the day I left?

I guess I'm afraid that one of these days
You will be lining up your loved once
And forget about counting me in

I thought of love all this time as something
I had to find
So I spent my life searching
Just to watch it leave

And then him
He didn't just love me
He remindend me
I was never anything but love

He was destructively rememberable and i blame it on the echo
that fell from his lips everytime i made him smile

It would elegantly fly around in unspoken discomforts then
land on my ears in the form of a
goodbye

Those eyes.
No white at all.
No person behind that look.
Just pure insanity.
Hands shaking.
Throbbing veins.
Sweat.
He told me I'd better leave.

I still don't know if he was high on something.
I can't believe a person can look like that sober.

Back in the car, I couldn't cry.
I didn't understand.
On our way home he called my sister.

You're never going to see me again
It's all your mother's fault.
She never talked about it.

I went to sleep, I needed rest.
Because the six months after that
I was not going to sleep a lot.
Afraid that my own father would come
get us
take us away
do terrible things to us.
I never talked about it.

Why don't you ride him?
Because you're no ****?
You spread those legs and moan, but your pants stay on.

Why don't you let him?
Because you're not in love?
His teeth on your hard *******, your hands dig in his lap.

Why are you holding back?
Because he won't respect you?
In your mind he's thrusting inside you, you scream and turn and gasp.
But you tame yourself and walk away.


*I'm not letting society tell me who I can or can not ****.
Call me a *****, but I came ten times last night. And you wish you did too.

And I love to bump into you at 7 in the morning
When I'm on my way to shower
And you're staring at a loaf of bread
For even at the darkest hour of day
Just before dawn breaks
It always brightens my day to see you, friend.

I saw a chimpanzee baby,
getting raised by a dog.
I saw an elderly man
cut his food for his uncapable wife
and
I saw a young couple looking at them
wanting to grow old together just the same.
I saw my mother
taking care of her new baby
now we have grown up.
I saw my uncle taking care of me
(He knows we haven't).
A woman trying to find a childs new home.
A child saving an ant from death.
And a boy replacing a girl's bad memories with good ones.
It reminds me, that it's not so bad.

I have five sweaters of him in my room.
Because he never says no to me.
He lit my cigarette once,
when I was bathing and my hands were wet.
He taught me how to cook, how to climb,
how to like peanutbutter.
When I feel like ****, he calls me.
Because he feels there's something wrong.
He tells everybody I'm his daughter.
Even when my sister is around.
He tells my mother to man up.
And my friends to try acid.
He likes every single boyfriend I have.
Never thinks I'm making bad decisions.
He takes me with him to France.

I love him more than anybody in this world.
I don't need a father. I have him.

I am a hurricane.
My world is this ***** of emotions
on a saturdaynight with the vague taste of ***** and caramel.
All of my relationships smell like bodyfluids
latex with the fake taste of strawberries or chocolate.
My last wednesday consisted of two jobs, two bottles and no sleep.
It's how I like my days.
The people who were supposed to raise me snorted more than I ever will.

I am a hurricane.
In my eye, you stand.

We were the worst friends we ever had
But i loved you and
I wasn't capable of ever letting the thought of not being friends at all cross my mind

Trying to hold on to days when
You had my door key and
We'd eat to much popcorn and made fun of sjp's outfits
And that must be the time when we weren't such bad friends after all.