But every night I fall into
Sleepstained dreaming
And with every hour
Another layer falls off of me
One made of strength
One of resistance
I am undressed as the sun chases the moon back
Into another illuminated day
One made of fear
One of identity
I don't know whether losing them
Feels lighter or more heavy
The truth presses on me now
And it's impossible to ignore
One made of hope
One of idealism

I am naked
My cold skin is unprotected
If there is sun, I can see
When it rains, I weep
But I find every morning
That if there is silence
And my layers aren't there to mask
I am darkness
Pure darkness
Waiting for dawn to come

I loved you so much harder than I did myself
The same way I love everyone
Because when I saw you
The details didn't catch my eye
Your selfishness and your apathy
I saw your soul
And I focused on it until there was nothing else left of you
The same way I always do

At the end of every day
I wash of everyone I have loved
I rinse their souls out of me
And I stand in front of the mirror
Naked
Searching for mine

I can't promise you much
Not that I will give you what you need
Or what you want even
Not that I will be able to keep myself together
That I won't break down completely
And hurt you in the process
I can't promise you I'll be here for always
Not even for next year
I can't promise you I will take care of you the way you did of me
Or that I'll be brave like you were
Instead of running away frightened
I wish I could
But I cannot

All I can promise you
Is I will try to return all the love you give me
Return it multiplied and warmed up
I will try and face my fears
Even the deepest, darkest ones
And I will do everything I can to make this work
Because never in my life
Have I believed in love more than I do
Now that I love you
And I hope that's enough

In this very moment, just like in all others, the whole world is falling apart while being built up all over again. We are all, during every second of our lives, dying while being born anew at the exact same time.

I had heard this, maybe even understood this before. But I had never quite felt it yet, until the moment I was letting him go, while falling in love with him again in the very same instant.

Our love died and blossomed, our pain stung while being resolved, and the connection of our souls was captured in time, so that it is now equally unexistent as everlasting.

I have loved you
a million times before
I have chased you over
snow-dipped mountain peeks
into filthy alleys
and I have loved you
as hard and as fast as I could
I tried forgetting you
just as much as I tried
to remember
as it's all but the same

I have, I swear I've loved you
from your intoxicating lightness
to your deepest fears
I loved every inch of you
and then you ran away

I was under his influence for ten days
He told me about trails he was about to walk
And how he never found love in those small-town streets
I dodged his kisses as he played the strings of my skin

Our last night, we barely even moved
We spoke of life's beauty, in all its complexity
As we watched the storm coming in
That next morning we pretended not to say our last goodbyes
And then the room flooded

I have been wearing him ever since
Right behind my deepest memories and my darkest guilt
He hits me with the sharpest sweetness about ten times a day
And I just stare at this new scar, in all its complexity
As I wait for the storm to pass

I thought of love all this time as something
I had to find
So I spent my life searching
Just to watch it leave

And then him
He didn't just love me
He remindend me
I was never anything but love

It's not the distance, it's the darkness. Dark days have always been there, for as long as I remember. And I've been trying to stop calling them a flaw, or part of some disorder, or the consequence of past trauma. I am trying to accept them as part of what makes me whole. Use them to develop the light days. To feel those harder and with a more open heart. I don't want to spend my life waiting to feel less. It's hurtfull to think my emotions are connected to the years I have lived. What if I prefer to never become numb? I just need to find the ones that will not be scared to drown in my depths. The ones that will not try to fix me, but stare in awe at my wholeness. That do not try to shine light on the dark days, nor close the windows when it's bright. I need to find a love, so unconditional, that it'd rather I dissolve into my own darkness than loose myself trying to fix it. I need to find it within myself, within my depths, or turn to dust while searching.

You are not broken
He said
You are whole
And you are amazing

And right there, I believed him
I could see a glimpse of myself through his eyes
Powerful and soft all at once

You are not afraid to live
You are not afraid to féél*

And he was right
For once I had been scared
But right there I existed out of nothing but
What I felt for this man

Good morning lover,
I am still watching the stars
While yours are long hidden behind the hectic of your world
And I just wanted to explain to you something
Before I close my eyes

You see, I want you to know
That anger is always rooted by powerlessness
And pain will always come from love
How with you so far away
All my senses lost their mind
And I feel only from my longing for you

There is nothing else
Nothing more
But the space you are not occupying

He wears only innocence
In the profound waters
At the bottom of his adolescent dreams

And I can't help but
To stare at it all
In awe with one toe dipped under

I will be honest
I just want to write anything about you
Even though the words are buried lately
Under all the highways in between us
And even through the silence
I am too far to hear your love

Maybe I feel this
Need to engrave you with my ink
So I will never forget how to feel you

Love will always guide her
To all the wrong places
But with perfect timing
It will lead her through darkness
And the deepest of pains
But she will never stop putting
One foot in front of the other
And she will eventually learn
How to speak the language of her heart
For it has been crying out to her
Too loud to hear all else

If I could hijack all the planes
That land and take off in between us
I would
If I could calm this storm
So we can see clearly
Right before we forget what love even looks like
I would

But my love,
All I can try to do
With these endless days ahead
Is to trust
That when the fog fades
You'll still be looking for me

The rainforest is calling
But not as loud as my guardian
You don't have to take the hard way everytime she said
I could hardly believe her

Believe me when I say
How I want nothing more than
To walk the road of least resistance
All the way back to you
Free of everything I feel I have to prove
Liberated from the weight of pride

But I was never made for that
I don't know how to do easy
So I'm gonna pack my back
Tie my shoes
And I'm gonna carry your memory
All the way to that ******* forest

I woke up on a black stained beach
In a country I wasn't sure of
The ocean appeared to me
More reckless than ever
With your body in it
Looking back at me

I somehow lost the pain
That was always inevitably connected to love
I found peace within you
And you helped me recreate it
Into faces with
Your unwavering blue eyes
And my uncontrolable lips

I could see the way you took my fear
And slowly replaced it with trust
And I could love again
Like it was always intended

He organised my hair
By deviding it into equal wisps
And laying them across my shoulder
I pinched my eyes
As I traced the outlines of his face
With my open lips

We had come down so hard
From the euphory we created just minutes before
The sweat had not dried yet
Our breathing irregular
The second we fell apart together
And hit the matress
Was the second reality hit us

"I don't want you to leave"
I tried to imagine
Every mile I was about to cross
Every face I would meet
Every fear I would conquer
But it was all buried in my love for him

In that moment
I wished I would explain that
The way he blew away
Everything I once thought mattered
And how I had been able to fix myself
While being held up by him
And that I wasn't that sure about this journey
Because I found everything I was looking for
Just like everything I was running from
In that bed

I wished I said all that
But instead I pinched some more
"I don't want me to leave either"

I am slowly *******
Last night I took out my metal
For I could not stand the weight
During years now
Am I washing off smeared make-up from my face
I think it's beginning to show my skin
Sometimes I speak and the echo brings my own voice back to me
It sounds so much calmer than I remembered
My hair has been growing back its color
It tickles on my shoulders

I'm getting there
It's terribly slow and difficult
But I think I'm finding myself

I'm on a strike
I refuse
To spend the rest of autumn
Pretending to be whole without you
And I swear
I will not leave this bed
Until I wake up and find you in it

I close my eyes before
Waking up in your arms
Just to fall back asleep
And start living

You undress me
In the slowest silence
With the greatest care
Your hands keep asking permission
To the skin that is to be revealed

You hear me
Not by the words that escape from my mouth
But by the pauses in between them
By the tones and the rythms
By the ones I never say

You see me
Uncertainly coming onto you
And you patiently assure me
You're not going anywhere
That it's gonna be worth the risk

And I have never loved
Or been loved by anything
This carefully

I imagine you running through your days
Laying your kitchen supplies on a piece of paper before you cook your salmon
Making a row of all your jars and then taking one vitamine pill from each

I can see you laying down in your bed
With my shirt and our monkey patiently waiting on my side of it
And I know you will think of me
But does it ache inside of your flesh the way it does for me?
Did the world lose half of its color the day I left?

I guess I'm afraid that one of these days
You will be lining up your loved once
And forget about counting me in

I tried shaving you off of me today
Without a clue who I was trying to kid
I thought that maybe if I could rinse you from my body, I might be able to silence your absense.

You see,
I hate you for loving me the way you do
With all your patience and your ease
I hate you for handeling everything better than me
And that I am always the one begging not to hang up the phone
I hate you for not leaving me
Because slowly you are forcing me into
The scariest part of my life
Of trusting you that you'll stay
And I will never survive that fall

I spend most of my dreams now
Covering the miles between us
Out of this apartment
Which is too big to fit your absence in
Away from this city
Through the droughts of this land
Over powdered mountain tops
Along coastlines
Across borders
Right into vineyards and vast meadows
Past forests and their lakes
Crossing city after city
Untill I find myself in yours
Over bridges
Into that street
The stairs up
The hall in
Until I finally rest my hand on that doorknob
And feel you just before I wake

I stopped writing the day I left you
Because with 1300 miles to seperate us
I am slowly forgetting what it feels like
To feel gravity pushing on me through your body
Or to hear you whisper me to sleep

I quit singing in the shower
The moment I got on that plane
Because no bathroom echoes the way yours does
And no water can rinse you into me

I've been turning into something since that day
Something not made of my particles
And I think it has to do with
Them still sticking to your skin

You trace your fingers carefully across my dark side
As you tell me it won't scare you
But it does me
Your tranquility does

I am diving deeper into my demons
While holding up on your strength
The fear in me arises
What if you made me jump too soon?

I remember her
Running up and down the bridge next to our house at midnight
I remember her screaming
I remember her body, almost lifeless, as we tried to pull her out of bed every morning
I remember all the things that were said when she wasn't around to hear
I remember agreeing with them, then hating myself for it
I remember the back of her head on a staircase when I was twelve
I remember her diaries
Our mother crying while asking me for advice

I remember all the bad days
Bur I cannot find the one that quenched her fire
The one that made her whist

But you aren't my escape route
You are my coming home
In all the hectic of this wanderlust
And I keep finding myself
Setting foot
On the coastline of your love

I felt like
I was the only one to hear
That kind of darkness in her voice
She will always disagree with me
Just to have power over me
I'm your mother, I know how you feel
Do you? Do you really believe that?
Like you never looked away?
Like you've never made it worse?
Because I can remember
You picking my wounds
And leaving me over and over
(At least he only left once)
I did everything for you
I gave up my life for you
I never asked you to, mom
I never asked you for anything
But now I am
For the safety you could never provide me with
*I'm your mother
You owe your life to me

She smelled of burned skin and sunscreen
And as I watched every grain of sand
Find its way past
Endless legs and golden hair
I couldn't help myself but wonder
If her lips would taste like seasalt
With a touch of honey ***

Pick me up
In pieces
Organise my every scrape
Across your bathroom floor
And clean me
Wash off all my imperfections
Rinse away my every fear
Then warm me up on love
And lay me in your bed
Guard over me tonight
As I fall asleep to the sound
Of your lips
Whispering sweet kisses
To my healing skin

Make me forget I even
Wanted to take care of myself

We talked about fathers
In between the jokes
Of how we really ****** up this time
Especially for a monday

It was one of those nights
Where nobody really wanted to go home
Because the only thing worse than
The mistakes we were about to make
Was the silence that would hit us
And the sunrise we escaped

There was that old familiar feeling
As the birds began to sing
And the people started doing
All their normal tuesday things

It was then that I realised
Maybe we aren't looking for reasons
To wake up in the morning
Maybe we are looking for reasons
To go home and fall asleep

I have never felt this transparant
All the walls I have been building
Seem to melt since the moment
You stared right through my eyes
And deep into my soul

I have never liked to be this vulnerable
But with the safety that fires from your soothing voice
And the warmth that electrifies me
Whenever we lock skin
I am no longer scared of what you could do to me

I'd be more than honoured
To get broken by you, my love

You could always see
Straight through my window skin
As I tried everything to cover up
Those rooms I felt ashamed of

But all you needed
To get me undressed
Was a kiss that cut
Right through my glass

But my love
You deserve to be so much more than
Another one of my mistakes
That is not what you were made of

You, my dear
You are the final destination
Utopia
After I broke myself
On unhealthy relationships
And one-nightstands
And all that is left of me
Is my purest self
I will arrive
Ready to be loved by you
Ready to love you too

There were nights where she would stay up
Reading soultearing poems just to feel something
And ****, did she feel something

She felt gravity pushing on her
Filling every space for oxygen
Like dirt on a casket

She felt the way the earth rotated
And moved through the galaxy
As the moon continuously
Played with the tide of the seven seas

She felt a kind of hunger
That made her sick
A type of fear
Thats not worth fighting
And war

She'd rip her heart out
And her soul to pieces
Just to feel a glimpse of love

He's an artist
The way he paints
With bite marks and hickeys
On my goosebump canvas

Her hair was painfully black and strong enough to end wars with
Her eyes reminded men of the sea
Just as intimidating as intriguing
And she would sing her serenades to the moon
And they would break their necks just to stare at her
This goddess trapped on earth

Poor Medusa
All she wanted was to be loved

What would be the point of love
When we wouldn't face it
Naked
And ready to let it break us into a million pieces
Give it all the freedom to destroy us
Because we know how beautiful tragedy can be

If living wasn't fearless
It'd just be running out of breathes..

I came out of the shower
and somehow ended up
staring at the mirror
Tears streaming down my cheeks

You heard me
Picked me up
Carried me to bed

Don't say those things about yourself
You're not a monster
You meant every word you said

But look at me
I cried
You're gorgeous
And you started kissing
every inch of damaged me

You put a spell on me that night
with every kiss you planted
and though my skin got better

my heart never revalidated
from the love you burnt it with

I have this tendency
Of wanting to be loved most
By those who do not see me
For rejection never hurts that much
When we could have seen it coming.



*But I can see you
All of you
From your nervous giggles
To your restless heart
And I won't stop staring
Until you feel my love and
Accept it all at once.
You will never see it coming.

The planets are aligned
The stars are in their place
And the circumstances could not have been more favorable

You and I, my love
We were meant to be
Elsewhere

And I love to bump into you at 7 in the morning
When I'm on my way to shower
And you're staring at a loaf of bread
For even at the darkest hour of day
Just before dawn breaks
It always brightens my day to see you, friend.

Why do we enjoy
Breaking our hearts so much?
We share images of terror
From the other side of this world
Then call it ‘beautiful’
We listen to music
That tears our soul to pieces
We watch movies
That we know will end in tears
But most importantly
We fall in love
Like it’s not the number one cause for broken hearts.

For the past two months
I've been running away scared
After carefully coming closer
And I swore this was the last time
But all the chaos in my world
Tumbles down in so much grace
Everytime it is silenced by your calm voice
For a last "sleep well, my love".

I heard that the human body doesn't have one cell the same as seven years before.

Now I'm no biologist, but that would mean I am not the same girl you left ten years ago and there's not a single cell inside of me that you ever got to injure. In all honesty, it's much easier to believe my body is sacred now that I know you never touched it.

You and I
We fit so much better in silence
Because when it comes to love
I find
Nothing can ruin a moment
Like the question and the answer to
How was your day

I loved cutting your hair
Because it made me feel like I co-created a part of you
And you were the greatest thing I knew that was ever made.

There was always a silence
Right before he would rest his eager lips
on her shivering back and she would swallow her tears and strengthen her voice to say
Not now babe, I'm having another one.
She would beg him with her eyes to understand her and stay patient
But in dark rooms like those
And her back against his mouth
He was never able to see her prayer
So all he saw was another dark cloud over his always so beautiful day
And she couldn't even blame him for leaving

It's been a year
But she still wonders every day
What if we would meet again now that I'm stronger
But then again
What if I will love him so much
That I lose myself in it
The exact same way I did

I just want to hide my face in your warm chest during autumn
while I try to not think of everything I should be studying.
And we could stop time right there and never end up
at the part where I get scared and run away or desperately hold on.
We can stay there, on our safe one-person matress.