When I was young,
I was afraid of the dark unknown.
The blackened sea surrounds my bed,
That seemed to surely grow.

I couldn’t sleep,
And so I’d sit,
Peering through my window.
Watching the clock and waiting,
For morning’s warmest glow.

Her sky like lips,
Pastel purple and blue.
She’d finally take a deep breath,
And she’d come alive,
Brand new.

A magic wand to paint her face,
To give life to the day.
To fight off the dark stormy sea,
To send my fears away.

And now I’m grown,
Aged many years,
The dark sea just a blanket.
That swallows me and sets me free,
Until morning comes to take it.

Faces and freckles.
Eyes and skin.
A mask to wear,
a mouth to grin.

It’s a package we prefer,
To what lies inside.
The water, the blood, the cells
The soul.

The thick, living particles that make you feel whole.

They say,
Eat healthy, drink water,
Get some good rest.
How about living deeply and wildly and forgetting what’s left?

This energy inside of you is dying.
This anger inside of you is thriving.
Who have you become?
Who are you?

Before you lose every last living flame inside you.
Feed yourself.
Water yourself.
Grow your soul.

Fill that black living hole.

I'll always give my all for you.
I'll always protect you.

A wavering candle trying to stay lit.
Darkness trying to swallow me whole.
To set my smokey haze upon the room.

Even in the darkness I'd see you.
Even in the quiet I'll hear you.
Even in my deepest fears, I'll hold you.

I know not how to be a stone wall.
To keep all monsters out.
Aren't guardians supposed to?
To know the fear that those before must have faced,
Is heart sickening.
The fortress we thought we were sheltered in,
Was just a picket fence.
And now I stand.
Wood shaking in the wind.
Guarding.
I cry, I scream, I bellow into the storm.
You cannot have my little girl.

I will not let you.




Anxiety is mourning every possibilty.
I wear all black.
I walk in the sun, and see nothing but shade.

It wrestles with the leaves,
Hurries with the cold,
Floats with the knowing,
And chills in the bones.

A fickle friend,
To taunt and play,
To cool you off,
And breeze away.

The wind you say,
That is the answer.
Or is it fear,
The silent dancer?

I'm awake,
With my eyes closed.
Write what you're feeling.
Paint a masterpiece.
Take photos all day.
Make short films like you once did.
Read every book you can.
Bake new creations.

Live up to your potential.
I'm asleep, with my eyes opened.

It's in the soft wrap of a blanket,
The warm touch of the sun.
The loving look from a baby,
The gentle hold of your bed.
It's in the crisp bite of an apple,
The slow sway of the flowers.
The sweet music that fills you,
The joy of not worrying.

It's there.

Do you hear her when you sit outside?
She is singing.
Yelling, laughing, talking.
The wind touching the leaves,
The trees swaying in her breath.
The clouds moving as she moves.
She dances.
You're never alone.
All you need is sit under her great sky.
You were meant to be here.
You're alive here.
We hide in our homes,
Our buildings,
Our hearts.
But we are seen.
Under the great sky.

It's not black & white,
It's blooming with color.
Complicated and simple at once.
The opening of flowers,
One by one,
Petals falling,
Onto stone.
We live, we die.
The story is what matters.
Not the ending.
Today may be a page,
Possibly a sentence.
And tomorrow?

feeling so small,
and powerless.
Holding tight to my row boat,
As the dark ocean waters,
storm both sides.
My matted hair, soaked,
covering my eyes.
I sail alone,
without direction.

and they want to cut me open.
take away what i was born with.

my therapist said we are all butterflies.
transforming, changing.
metaphorically.

but some of us,
are changing,
biologically.
under a knife.
to save our life.

and that is the hardest metamorphosis,
i can think of.

I feel the grass between my toes,
Beneath my feet.
I feel the air flow,
Through my lungs.
Into my soul.
I smell the sweet,
Calming scent of nature.

I am made of dirt and water.
I am no different from the grass.
We may try to seem,
Sophisticated,
Superior,
But we are nothing,
Without this earth.

So I stand on the grass.
And I feel comforted.
I feel at home.

Mother moon,
In the dark.
Weird, reckless, moody,
With energy that could spark.
Divinity,
Infinity,
Illuminating femininity.
The parts of you,
Hidden from the world,
For fear of harsh words.
Misunderstood.
She's beautiful.
Shes strong and exact,
And necessary.
Shining in the dark,
Lover of the light.

A foggy brain,
And stale breath.
Sticky cups cover the coffee table.
A snapshot of past events.
A long list of goals for the days to come.
Wishes, wants.
Not this year.

The suburban checklist I never wanted,
Has been checked off.
But I'm grateful.

A new year really just symbolizes healing,
From all the hurt,
From the year before.

A new piece of gum.
Fresh.

Under the sun,
And the moon,
Tis the season,
For snow-
For friends, and love,
For warm fires,
And real hugs,
For deep breaths of fresh air,
For showing others kindness,
And that you care.
For taking things slow,
When they say to speed up,
For taking the time,
To fill your own cup.
It's easy to lose yourself,
This time of year.
But it's all what you make it,
Be grateful you're here.

Much love,
Me

When I think of seasons,
I don't picture colorful leaves,
Falling in delicate pattern.
I see highs and lows,
Valleys and mountains,
My sadness, my woes.
I can hear my past thoughts echo,
I can remember being happy.
But I cant feel it.
New joy is fleeting.
Falling.
Failing.
This season that I sit in,
Is frosted over, cold.

It hurts to be here.
My mind plays fortune teller.
Predicting all future tragedies.
Mourning all possible losses.
Seeing myself gone.
My little one alone.
It's as if a bully lives in my head.
Taunting my happiness.
Pushing it down,
As it desperately tries to stand.
I'm confused.
And I've been waiting.
Have I always felt this way?
Have I crossed a line?
Should I be worried?
A silent intruder.
Stealthily hiding in my head.
Waiting for its turn.
To make a move.

I am a moth.
Drawn to the flame.
Burned.
Yearning for something we used to have.
For the people we used to be.
I've been trapped for a short while.
Lost in the dark.
You turn out the light.
My eyes can't adjust.
And when you dont mean to,
You turn my wings to dust.

I found a corner in my mind,
barren, if not for a box.
I dare not visit, or stand to close,
or it may begin to talk.

What if, how come, why not,
maybe so, maybe not,
Try it on, this weighty coat,
see if you can float.

But I begin to fall,
and spiral down,
and lose all control.

So I take some tape,
and surely seal this container,
of my woes.
And hope and pray,
that one day,
I can somehow let it go.

who am I now?
This body I once recognized,
Is transformed.
Softer, fuller, different.
My mind has always been a map,
With roads that spin in circles.
But my body was no match.
Now my skin tells the story,
Of a new life formed.
Of hard months and sleepless nights.
And I dont feel better off or stronger,
Like the others proudly say.
I feel foreign and unhappy.
So I'll drive down these new roads.
Looking for familiar landmarks.
Until I can once again,
Call this body home.

I don't like sharing.
Or letting you into my space.
I have a hard time with being kind.
Judgements come naturally.
Strangers can be punchlines.
Your feelings may bother me.
I want you to like me.
But I may not like you.
My first impression of you,
Sticks even when I'm wrong.
I don't like how I am.
I've said I would change.

I haven't.
But I wish I would.

The girl I once was,
Is gone.
The body I once had,
No more.
The understanding I once had,
Has grown.
The heart I once had,
Beats louder.
The skin I once had,
Is softer.

I am brand new,
In this old body.
When a baby is born,
So is a mother.

I love the orange glow,
That falls before the night.
The warm and golden hue,
That blows out all the light.

So you and I can lay,
And feel each other close.

Each breath you exhale,
A whisper on my lips.
Each sigh that escapes,
Your grip tightens on my hips.

Covered in the silk of night.
And hidden out of sight.

We can't forget to whisper,
Sweet nothings in the night.
Please don't forget I love you,
When words turn into fight.
The hardest days have come,
But the best days are never far.
Stay with me my love,
Let's not let our hearts grow hard.

Our love is still here,
Hidden in the thorns.

The smallest little fingers,
Reaching out for me.
The darkest circles,
Lining my eyes.
The sweetest love,
You'll never see.

In the darkness of the night,
In the warm glow of the dawn,
You and I sit by the window.
Another sleepless night,
Gone.

Have you learned to protect your heart,
From yourself?
To discipline your mind when it wanders?
Just like a small child,
I need guidance.
Recklessness rages as a river,
Through my soul.
A need to detonate.
To drastically change my path,
No matter that it’s the scenic route.
Can I learn to protect my heart?
From me?

Delicate lines,
You drew yourself in the corner.
Painted bars around your dreams.
Said no to in between,
Trapped yourself in the extreme.
You smudged the lines on boundaries,
You highlighted your flaws.
Nothing in this picture,
Is what you would have drawn.

It’s an art.
Hiding behind the lines.

Her room is painted white.
A blank canvas.
Whispers fill my ears, of all her
Possibilities.
She is not me.
I have to remind myself.
Empty of memories,
Full of furniture.
I can see her growing here.
My little girl.
One day these coos and cries,
Will change to words.
She’ll sing songs instead,
Of lullabies.
I’ll savor every moment.
Every sweet little song.
In this room,
With the white walls.

I don’t decorate my lips.
I hear my words for what they are.
I see my actions as they pass,
I no longer cling to scars.

I’m no longer made of glass.

I took off my dress of glue.
The one that had words stuck to every stitch.
Mean, bossy, ugly, spoiled, selfish
- *****.

I’m a work in progress.
I don’t try for perfect days.
I don’t cry for what has passed.
I live here.
I have now.

If you stay long enough to watch,
You’ll see,
I finally know who makes me happy.

Just me.

You hovered next to me,
As I glided on two wheels,
And slowly you took your hands away.

You whispered soft,
That sugar plum fairies would dance,
Through my sleeping mind.

You gave me love,
You gave me life,

You took it away.

I’ve just recently learned to stand.
Before, there were hands beneath my feet.
Ideas flowing in my head,
From a different mind.

I spoke, as I had been trained.
I loved the way I was told.
I cried when I didn’t understand.
To please every demand.

But broken, are feet without their bones.
But quiet, is a mouth without words.
But numb, is a mind without thoughts.

And a heart without its body,
Is never really beating.

It’s as if the stars were only fireflies,
The moon hung by a string,
And the sun flickered,
As a burning candle.

Before I met you.

And now the world is bright,
And the light is tangible.
I can taste it in my mouth,
When you kiss me.

My whole world is aglow.

Since I met you.

It’s the essence of a moment.
A chapter in your life becomes minimized to a mere, few pictures of it.

And then just snapshots.
A whole year, in one blurry mind shot.
And then it’s gone.

Wrapped up with the rest in yesterdays,
Saved for a dull occasion or a sentimental moment.

A moment in time.
That’s all these are.
Each fleeting day.

What moment do you see the most?
And why is it that your mind-
won’t let it go.

There’s no such thing as triangles,
Or circles,
Or squares.
It’s a straight line,
Straight ahead you can stare.

There’s no backwards or sideways,
There’s no sudden curves.
There’s only then and now,
And heart and nerves.

So take a step. Then take two.
And watch as the line moves forward.

Floral sheets spread tight over the bed.
Raindrops singing, falling on your head.
Tall shady trees breaking up the light.
Small crystals falling, such a pretty sight.

And it’s just you and me,
And the breeze from the sea.

And it’s just books and tea,
And serendipity.

And it’s all making sense.

I’m painting you a million colors.
But none of them will stick.
They drip and drop,
From the canvas to the floor.

Without a face, without a name,
Who are you?
You’re mine.

But I’ll sit here colorblind,
And wait for you to come.

A bump.
A lump.
Swallow.

You’re never prepared for life.
But this was ready for me.

I realize what the problem is now.
Underneath all of my layers lies a cloud of fear.
In less than a year, I've been hit
heartbreak, death, guilt, shame,
people's disappointment with me.

My disappointment with me.

it's the fear of the next blow,
about falling further down the rabbit hole,
about not seeing my way out,
about making my life shrink further away,
from beauty, love, happiness.

it's fear.

when I was 6, that little girl had no fear.
I was fearless, I was brave.
Now I stand digging my own grave.

how do I shut out the fear?

you can't hear me
i've grown so small,
it's hard to see.

the feelings have tripled,
they swim around me,
mouths opened wide,
gulping me whole.

i'll sit here in the dark,
thinking about my heart,
and wait for my breath to escape me.

I once found magic in the stars,
in red tail lights beaming from a sea of cars,
but my lens is *****,
and the night is dark,
the cars are stalled and sit in park.

I once found magic in someone's soul,
now I see one hundred holes,
golden opportunities,
tarnished.

There's no tears for me to weep,
only poison slowly seeps,
and sinks into my core,
and leaves me wanting nothing more.

I once found magic in myself,
now i'm a doll upon a shelf.
seeing life through my eyes,
and hiding many silent cries.

sometimes I let myself be happy.
rarely, I relax just enough to feel it.
the calm wave, moving through my chest.

everything will be okay.

Cut it all off.
Paint it a different color.
Change your address.
Change your mind.

But the past is permanent.

It's old news.
Forgotten by most.
But it haunts me,
like an unwelcome ghost.

Bravery colors my voice,
but my thoughts,
have grown so quiet.

As if admitting it's true,
even in my mind,
would be something,
to hard to do.

memories can repeat,
like a catchy song on the radio.
stuck in your head,
missing some verses,
but the chorus is strong.

whiskey can help,
just for a bit.
Hoping it passes,
and biting my lip.

I guess I'll wait.

Simple as sage
burning and bright
ashen and hazy
lights the dark
night.

color me cryptic
call it unsolved
thick rolling fog
that will not
dissolve.

Flee, dark spirits
ghoulish and gall
vanish at once
and heed our
call.

I want to climb a moss covered mountain and stare out at the ruins of a past civilization.
I want to taste your lips like honey, dripping down my chin.
I want to savor the sounds of the rain,
as they beat down our troubles.
I want to fall into your arms just the same.

I want moments not wishes,
I want more than I can hold,
but I'll carry myself just the same.

words brew in a *** under my skin,
warming, churning, boiling.
Sitting in a chair without wheels,
no ability to roll across the room.

Is it a force of habit that makes you complacent?
Is it fear that keeps you from change?

What is stopping you from changing.
From moving, when plates are shifting under your feet.

Every person in the audience is telling you to move,
to save yourself,
and yet the words continue to bubble.

The *** is only left with steam.

Congratulations on your new life.
You try so hard to be more than you.

Count the lines in your skin,
The ones drawn by the sun,
That hold you together,
That are a part of who you are.

You can escape them no more
Than you can escape your heart.

The one beating life into you.

You are you and nothing more.
And that's enough.
That's everything.

My mistakes are tattooed into my skin,
Reflected when your eyes meet mine,
And there's no turning back.

I hear it in your voice,
Your cologne hanging in the air,
The way you talk to me,
The way I nervously rustle my hair.

What we did won't go away.
And I still want you.

The memory hitting my heart,
Like a hard smack.
The picture in my head,
Of you laying on your back.

When it doesn't sit right,
and you can't help but fidget,
and the feeling only gnaws.

Cut yourself free.
Slice through the vines that hold you.
Use the fire within,
to burn what's outside of you.

When you have to choose,
between pain and hurt and you.
Always,
choose,
*you.

I've always been the woman of many jobs,
Who floats from one thing to the next.
My interests are too expansive and too small,
At once.

I always change my hair,
I frequently change my diet,
And I always change my mind.

I wish I had a passion,
Something to call my own.

And though I have my loved ones,
I'm always left alone.

Some may say I'm in a valley,
And all that's left is to climb.

But all I see is myself,
Slowly wasting time.

White smudges like maps line the walls.
Crinkled bills sit on the counter.
The shades have wiped away the sun.
And humming drifts through the room,
Without a greeting.

Air sits thick upon the chest.
A pencil skipping skillfully to the tune,
Of Rosemary Clooney.
A single bead of moisture glides towards the desk.

One single tear of a paper takes us from Monday to Tuesday.
And it's here we find ourselves.
Again and again and again.

Until everything changes once again.