My Dad asked me a question today
"What do you think your calling in life is?"
"Death" was my first thought
I couldn't think of an appropriate answer
This has left me confused
Because death is not a calling
Death is a result that happens after you fulfill your calling
I don't understand my head
My head wants to die.
I don't think it's okay
But I don't have much of a choice
I need to find a new calling

It hurts to pretend all the time
It hurts to fake life
It hurts to find what's hidden under your skin
It hurts to look in the mirror
It hurts to stand on the wrong number
It hurts hating yourself.
It hurts when you don't live for yourself anymore
I don't know why I am alive
I ruin everything
I ruin people
I break things
I don't know what I'm saying
I don't know why I am typing
I don't know anything anymore
Including myself

I am trying to love myself but I hate trying to love myself cause I hate myself.

sometimes
i think about being a kid again

back when i played tag..
running away from my friends was fun.
i remember how exciting it was to run fast.
i always got an adrenaline rush running away.

back when i would spin in circles over and over to feel dizzy and fall down,
and after i fell i would lay in the scratchy grass and watch the sky because it was fun to see the world spin for a minute.
it was new to see things spin that weren’t supposed to rotate.

back when a swimsuit was just a swimsuit that my mom got for me at walmart,
i didn’t care what it looked like because i just wanted to play at the pool
or in the sprinklers
or to wash the car with my siblings on a crispy summer morning
(but the water always ended up being dumped on eachother rather than on the car)

back when the only validation i needed to be happy was a thumbs up and an encouraging “good job shay may!” from my parents.
because i’m pretty sure they knew everything when i was 5 years old.

back when i heard the garage door and would run to give my parents the biggest hug because every hour they were gone felt like a week..

and now it’s different
everything has something motivating it..

as we learn more,
we hurt more
we feel more
and tbh it *****.

because now
i run to prevent a mental breakdown
i run to burn calories

i spin in circles not by choice,
but because life is ****** and confusing
and makes your head spin..
it’s not anything new
i’ve grown accustomed to my mind
losing balance and falling over and over..
the ceiling spinning in my room at 2:00am doesn’t bring the same joy as the blue sky did.

now a swimsuit has to look flattering
and not show my body too much
because of course,
i’m actually a *******.

now i need validation from anyone willing to give it to me and also from the whole freaking internet
and honestly it’s still not even enough.
never will be

now when i see my parents
i walk up to them
and hug them and say
“hey how are you?”

it’s boring
it’s hard
it’s ******

and i wish i was little
when food was just food

and when running didn’t include
running away from myself

My mind is exploding.
I have so much in my head.
This oxygen, I'm breathing, I'm surviving.
I'm killing time.
I'm killing my thoughts.
I need less.
I need less of me.
I need less ideas.
I'm fighting my head.
It's a literal war.
The sad thing is that
I don't think I'm winning.

All the bad things in my life come back to the fact that
I hate myself.

i can’t stop thinking about this//
so i was getting ready to do
a performance today,
and i overheard a mom
doing her 6-ish year old daughters
makeup/hair
the little girl told her mom:
“mommy this hurts i dont like it”

and the frustrated mom simply said:
“beauty is pain sweetheart you might as well learn it now”

and i can’t stop thinking about how some of the things kids learn about so young, is so sad.

yeah i don’t know,

i can’t stop thinking about how//

beauty is pain
but pain isn’t beautiful.

‪okay today someone asked me why I’m not trying harder
and it got me thinking haha‬
‪okay so picture this:‬

‪we all have our mountains in life, things that are hard.. right?
okay so, I’m trying to climb my rocky steep mountain of struggles.
‪so let’s say that I'm about ¼ of the way up when I trip on a rock and fall a little bit
but haha it's fine! just a scraped knee.
I get back up and keep going‬.
it was just a little inconvenience haha some bad luck.

so I keep climbing and this time ‪I make it a little bit higher than I did before
but then I fall again, further‬.. and I am pretty scraped up.
I'm alright though, so I will try again.

okay so, let’s say that this repeats itself a few times

but each time I fall lower and harder..
and I'm getting more discouraged and more hurt every time.

by now I feel like giving up, because hiking this mountain feels impossible,
but somehow (even though I have bruises/scrapes and a sprained ankle) I still have a little hope that I’m going to/can make it to the top.

SO with my last sliver of motivation, I climb determined to make it!
I don’t stop climbing and I am so careful, I’m proud of myself.
I have never made it this far up on the mountain,
and I feel so good about life!
I’m about ¾ the way up,
so I stop to admire the view.. and wow life is beautiful.

but right at that moment,
someone comes up behind me and shoves me down the mountain,
this time I fall harder/further than I had even started the first time and this time I wasn’t expecting it at all, it caught me completely off guard. I had been so careful.

so I sit at the bottom of this mountain and look up, ha **** it’s really tall.
I know the view is beautiful from the top.. ‪haha but I don’t want to try again.‬

now I have a sprained ankle, I'm dehydrated and I'm tired.
so even though I know I CAN climb it again,
I also know that ‪the fall will be harder and I will end up more hurt.
for example: If I fall again I might break my leg
then I know I won’t make it up for sure..
so yeah,
I just don't want to climb this **** mountain anymore.
I'm exhausted.‬ I'm really done. and It seems incredibly pointless.

‪SO HERE I am and now imma just chill down here for awhile and eat my granola bars that I packed in my backpack.‬ haha

I am a nervous person
I am scared of failure
Yet I tell myself that I fail every day
I am scared of success also
cause with success comes pressure
I hate being under pressure.
I want someone who can look at me and tell me to breathe
I want someone to hold me and tell me that it is going to be okay
I want someone who gets me
I just need a friend
a friend without an opinion
a friend who will just love me
It would be nice if this friend was a boy
It would be nice if we could jam out to music
It would be nice if he would go on adventures
I guess that I want a happily ever after
except happily ever after's don't happen to suicidal depressed girls.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I'm this way.
  I don't try to be sad.
I'm sorry that you worry about me.
  I'm not worth the time.
I'm sorry I'm a disappointment.
  I want to make you proud.
I'm sorry that I lie to you.
  Its just to protect you.
I'm sorry that I am so busy.
  I need more time.
I'm sorry that I am so closed off.
  I don't want to hurt you.
I'm sorry that I am
Broken
Lost
me.
I'm sorry that I want to die.
  I know its selfish.
I love you.

I had a dream
I was in an empty room
Staring at a girl
I started to think about this girls  l i f e.
I started to wonder if she was  h a p p y.
I started to ask myself why she was
there.
In this pointless room.
Doing so much of  
e v e r y t h i n g  
but practically
n o t h i n g.
I don't know how to explain it.
I knew most the answers because I'm the girl standing in the pointless room.
But I wonder why I didn't know all the answers.
I'm that girl.
I should know.
But I don't.

I don't want to be wishing anymore.
I don't want to be alive anymore.
I want to become what I want.
So that's what I'm going to do.

Gray sky
Gray ocean
Gray sand
There is something peaceful about gray
When everything is the same
The crashing waves over your head
Pulling you under.
Getting lost in nothing
Fading into the shadows
Leaving pieces of gray behind
Honestly I dream of oblivion
But dreams are never real.

6 years old
loves barbies
plays outside
learning to ride a bike
shes getting taller

9 years old
loves chapstick flavors
walks outside
rides her bike everywhere
she is the tallest in her class

14 years old
loves mascara
runs outside to burn off the cupcake
bike sits alone
she is the biggest in her class

16 years old
loves black
runs lines down her arms, she doesnt see the sun
she drives around for hours thinking about everything but nothing
she is shrinking

18 years old
loves loneliness
runs and runs and runs from herself
she drives around hoping that she will be strong enough to make it home
she is breaking
slowly

20 years old
loves skipping meals
goes running until she feels like she's going to pass out, then runs another mile
she drives around thinking about her suicide attempt and thinks about heading home
she doesn't even know if home is a place or a feeling or if its real
lines going up her thigh now because she found out that wrists make people worry

23 years old
loves medicine and **** and alcohol
goes running and then to work and then tries to sleep but never can
so she turns on phoebe bridgers and goes on a drive at 3am
she decided that home was a place on her childhood roof looking at the stars but her parents sold the house
she got a tattoo instead of making her own scars because if she’s going to be in pain anyways someone might as well make art out of it-
but she found the tattoo didn’t hurt her at all so the grid on her thigh came back anyways.

people don't understand
the process of self destruction
it started a long time ago
and it will never end
until she does.

This is the time of year when I decide to get my fat self into shape.
I am so sick of repeating this pattern over and over.
I just crave consistency

I think love is made up.
I think that people pretend to love each other until eventually they believe they do.
So technically you can choose who to love.
As long as they are willing to try and love you back.
But I have never been in love.
So I guess I wouldn't know.

I’m really sad

and I don’t know if it’s because
of the world?
or if it’s all the natural disasters?
or if it’s just my head?
or if it’s because of this pandemic?
or if my meds are off?
or if it’s because they keep canceling everything that keeps me motivated to stay alive?

I don’t know why I’m sad?
I know one day I am going to look back and miss this part of my life..

yet I can’t enjoy it in the moment.
so I live my life hating myself for being sad when I have so much to be happy about.

then I get more depressed because I know I’m going to be sad in five years when I remember that I didn’t fully enjoy all of the good things in my life,
because I was too busy hating myself for
being so sad.

I know I will look back and remember how my head was filled with dark storm clouds and the stupid forecast told me that those clouds are staying for awhile..

all this rain from the clouds
tears from my eyes
make it hard to see clearly.
I can’t get this bad weather to clear up.

I cry a lot.
I’m just sad.
I’m just really sad.

The first time I rode in an airplane I was twelve, and I couldn’t stop looking out the window at how beautiful everything was from the sky.
I still feel that same way, no matter how many airplanes I go on I will still be that excited.
No matter how many times I see Fireworks, sunsets, the ocean, the mountains, city lights.. none of those things never get old.
Whenever you hold me it feels like the time we cuddled up on the couch watching a movie and I finally felt like I belonged somewhere.
Whenever you tell me you love me I feel like it’s the first time, I feel so safe and close and it doesn’t get old.
I figured out that I feel everything so deep, and I don’t get bored of things I love.
When I fall in love with something I will never stop loving it.
It will make me happy every single time.
I find joy in the small things that a lot of people just pass by without a thought.
You tend to let those moments and things slip away and I always try to remind you how it felt
Remind you of those times we felt so close, but you won’t remember
I don’t know if you even can remember.
You want to move on to different memories
Because our memories aren’t enough anymore.
If you’re not happy with yourself then every girl is going to feel wrong. It’s not me and you. It’s you.

i’m currently writing this on tear stained paper
right next to my journal entries from a year ago.
first off i just want to say,
promises don’t last.

there’s something about being so close to the edge but knowing you’re not going to fall.

looking at my feet dangling off the end of a cliff..
i love it.

it’s so on edge
but also so secure
because unless an accident happened..
you’re not going to randomly just fall over.
you’ve sat your whole life since you were a baby.
you’re not going to randomly tip over

for example when you sit in a chair..
you trust yourself enough to eat at a table with confidence that you’re not going to just fall off of your chair..

yet we are so frightened by the idea of an edge
of pain
of the end
the end of what..us? you..? me..?
there is no end according to my town growing up, you live forever.
because of God..? right..?
we go on into heaven.
so even when we push the edge.. they shouldn’t fear right??
because they live on.??
lol where is God when you die?
idk

and i don’t think i want to know
because even though we truly have nothing to fear except the unknown

none of us trust ourselves enough
or dare ourselves to push the edge
to get that slight rush followed by the relief of:
“hmm that’s not so bad”

it’s so peaceful.

idk sometimes i feel like i’m just idling on the edge of a cliff and i just want to ******* gas it

he promised me in thirty years we’d be sitting on this rock and thinking about how amazing life is
ha and guess what?

he lied
life is ******.

kinda wanna die right now

do you ever feel horribly misplaced..?
or unsettled..?
like you don’t belong here
but not “here” as in location..
but “here” as in breathing/living..?

I shouldn’t have been born tbh.
I used to wish I was dead.
but now I just wish I had never existed in the first place.

growing up my parents always
told me that I was a “surprise”
but as I grew up I learned that “surprise” actually meant “mistake”

they weren’t planning on another kid.

but my mom forgot to take her birth control one day and then oops..
I came 9 months later.

me and my brother are only 16 months apart.
my mom had four kids in five years by the time she was 25.

she was young
she was tired.
and I can’t help but think that maybe if she wasn’t so tired, from the three kids.. that she wouldn’t have left her birth control pill untaken that day.
and then maybe, just maybe..
I wouldn’t be mistaken as a surprise
when I was obviously a letdown.
I just wouldn’t exist at all.

i’m starting to dread living again
waking up everyday..
wishing i hadn’t.

i wish i didn’t have depression.

i wish i didn’t want a break from living.

i wish i could get over my head.

i have so much potential that is wasted because i’m insecure and can’t convince myself that i can accomplish anything.

living to me is so inconvenient.
i don’t want it.

i’ve grown accustomed to my head
learned to function with hating myself but
i just don’t want to do it anymore.

maybe i just need more meds to numb it so i can blindly glide through life like everyone else who never have to feel this ****.

i don’t even know what this **** is..
it’s sad.
and hopeless.
and exhausting.
and honestly i’m done.
i have been done.
but i have to keep going.
and it absolutely *****.

I’m sitting in this class watching a teacher talk but I’m not hearing any words
I’m trying to process, trying to try to see the point
What are we doing here because we certainly aren’t learning ****
I’m looking at my empty computer screen
I put my name and class number at the top, align right, double space
I put my name at the top because I’m in college
Because in college you write papers
College makes you smarter
The world sees college as success
And I care about looking successful
Because that’s all that matters
This life is all about pretending
Pretending to learn all these subjects to earn a piece of paper that says you can jump through hoops
It’s about pretending to care about living
Pretending that the marks on your arms are from the cat that you don’t own
College is *******
And yet I’m still going to spend time and money getting this degree
Because this is success
And that’s what life’s about
Appearing successful

i always found it funny how waves crash on the surface of water - chopping up the glassy surface into thousands of pieces,
the closer you get to the bottom
the quieter it gets
there are no splashes when you’re completely submerged at the bottom -
watching the rippling water
and for once,
everything is quiet.

but you can’t inhale under water-
so your time there is limited.

you have to go back to the surface
you have to gasp for air -
you have to continue living in the real world
with the chaos of the harsh crashing waves

and i can’t quite shake the feeling that i feel most at home laying in the bottom of the swimming pool.

life finally starts to make sense -
when you’re watching the world
from below the surface.

breathe in breathe out
pulling over to the side of the road
trying to breathe
trying to see through this fountain
of tears on my face
usually i can pull myself together
enough to drive,
but not today.
breathe in breathe out
finally i get distracted focusing out at the window at the leaves dripping from the tree making crunchy colorful puddles.
i peel my hand off the steering wheel
because i was gripping it so hard
breathe in breathe out
resting my head against the cool glass, honestly i don’t know why i’m here or what i’m doing
my hands are shaking
have you ever felt this way..
it sounds almost as if i am describing a close call to a wreck, or bad news on a phone call.
but no
this is the result of living.
i have to distract myself when it gets this bad.
people wonder why i love nature so much.
but it’s because it’s the only real thing in this world of fake ideals.

“I remember her saying
that she was really tired..
I asked her if I could do anything
she nodded her head no with a slight smile and said:
no I’m okay :)
——
then I gave
her a hug goodbye
but I guess it really was
bye that time

because the next time I saw her
she was in a casket..”

FEB 2020
sometimes i think about all of the things that have happened and honestly
it shouldn’t have happened this way
this ******* up ****** up way

i wasn’t supposed to be cheated on by guys i trusted
i wasnt supposed to get divorced at 21
i wasn’t supposed to try to die 18
i wasn’t supposed to give up on myself at 16

but hey,
it happened.
and life seems to just happen
right now everything is flying by.
i seriously don’t know how or why i ended up here, i’m grateful for it
but it’s insane
how has it been so long.

it’s kind of sad how temporary the term “always” has become.

“i will always love you”
“i will always be true to myself”
“i will always care”

etc..

“always” tends to end.
like when he looked at me
and said “i will always be good to you”

lol
he wasn’t.

i have trust issues.
and maybe it’s because of the words like “always” and “never” that always end up fading.

or maybe it’s because i believed in
fairytales too much?
i just wanted a good thing.
but i was so naive, good things don’t last.

there is a reason it’s called a “storybook/fairytale”

because those aren’t real, it’s just a tale.

and i’m sorry but that never will be real life
but while things are good we can savor it
enjoy the good, while you’re in it.

i’m tired and i don’t want to break anymore.