Those brothers were Cowboys
Fallen angels with bad intentions
Tag teaming every robbery in the west
They were destined to be legends

Lost souls catching midnight trains
Riding away with the wind
They'd steal your heart in a moment
Never to be seen again

She loved them both in different ways
They loved her each in their own
Even after those many women and years later
She remained the only love they'd ever known

They'd talk of her often next to the fire
In a new town late at night
Sharing the memories of the love she gave
Hoping one day they may reunite

She was screaming
Pounding on the door
"Let me in!"
Knuckles ****** from the constant banging
Her voice was raspy and if you could see her
You would recognize that her eyes were burning from all of the tears
And her cheeks were flushed from her efforts
Let me in, she cries
Let me in...
But as you two stared in each other's eyes that day
And you continued to tell her of nothing things, as you always do
She listened
You did not hear her begging,
Only because she did not ask you directly
But inside she was giving up
Leaning her back against the wall to the right of the entrance
Lifeless body and limbs weighted to the ground
One hand barely tapping the bottom of the door
Her eyes fighting to remain open
She is fading
She is giving up on you.

Love is not enough.

It's not enough to love someone the way that I know how
Or show them I care when I can
It's not enough to do all that you can do
To make him feel like he's important.

People need more. They always do.
But we don't know this upfront
We always believe that love is enough
Until we're back at square one.

Love is never enough, I've determined
Maybe I just have no more to give
I'm doing the best I can to love this man
But it's just not enough for him

My love is not enough.

Shoot me up, just a taste
Numb my core with sweet novicane
Poison my veins, rippling clear across my brain
So strong that I don't feel a single thing
Not a pinch of delight, veering on the edge of insane
In a dream-like state
Soundlessly floating away.

I've met you before, Lucy
But this time I intend to stay
I'm captivated by your prison, chained inside your domain
In this realm of impurity, you are my desired escape.

Come and be my bright light
To illuminate my dark way
Grab my hand and run off with me
Tell me that you need me to stay.

The repetitive melody
A symphony of peace and joy
Two lives coming together
Combining generations
To create one

But there’s something about that harmony
That I don’t understand
Something that boils my thin blood
So hot that I hyperventilate
And it pushes me away
Beyond the song
And past the crowd
To a place of solitude
A lonely place of thought

Why is love so broken
And all of the people involved
Why are we all so broken
Because of love

We do take them as fools
As much as they do take us
And so we circle through this painful cycle
Scheming in and out of love.

His oil creased fingers
Wiped the blood from my lip
That he knew was from him...
In his oil based hands my neck laid
Slipping into his arms
Falling into his world...
He kissed my stained lips
And I saw the blood drops levitate
Melting into the ceiling
While the oil from his hands painted my body

I remember you
Not from a moment that I can recall
But from a past encounter somewhere deep in our history
Possibly we knew each other in a different time.

And one day he said to me
*Do not be fearful when I leave
Do not hide, and do not weep
We shall meet every night- in your dreams.

I** cried alone in my room every night. You weren't there.
I asked myself why I deserved so much suffering from you.
I spent years trying to understand why I loved you so much and only received heartache from you.
And after all this time, I finally realize that it's only me that really comprehends my own emotions and struggle.

So what do I need you for?

Tiny fingers and wobbly toes
Boy meets girl with his eyes closed.
As tiny peanuts in shells, inside a glass bubble
So fragile and gentle they grew as a double.
True miracles on earth have been born
Loyal to each other they are sworn.
Children, we welcome you to a bright new world
Mother and father, meet your little boy and girl.

Is there such a thing as wholesome in Hollywood?
Is there such a concept as real?
I've heard the press spread your secrets and assume your thoughts
Do you trust anyone enough to share how you truly feel?

Do you travel the streets of the world in amazement
Or only travel because you must
Have you ever held a woman and wanted her soul forevermore
Or do you only chase after lust?

Would you say you're like a bird
Free to fly with the world at your feet
Or would you say you're more like a circus pet
Caged, awaiting your next crowd to greet

Do you ever think about a different life?
Do you wake up and wonder if there's more?
I find it funny how so many wish to be in your shoes
I wonder if they'd still wish it if they lived every day behind your door

I missed my exit this morning
My boss is blowing up my phone
I don't know what to say to her, my foot wouldn't let up
I just continued south about three hours ago

I'm not sure where I am or where I'm going
I picked up a few bad habits along the way
Somehow this tequila/coffee mix in my sparkle cup
Seemed like a good idea today

These dusty roads have seen me before
The lost girls, numbing their brain through the stereo
I'll keep driving until I run out of gas
Or until I reach the border of Mexico.

I used to love the moon
The idea that we both saw the same light
From different angles
From different time zones
But now I envy the moon
Because she reminds me that love fades
That it will come and go
Just as she does
Just like you do

She said she loved you
And your stare was empty
Your heart couldn't feel
Your eyes couldn't see
The love she had
Was more than you deserved
And yet she loved you
More than words

“Don’t love” she said,
As she laid there swallowed by the blackness upon her bed.
Soaked in mascara and wreckage from three nights before-
Watching the days roll from behind closed doors..

“Trust no one” she began to explain
Over and over she drilled this into my brain,
She was the type to quickly point blame
Then turn to drugs and men in her cycle of shame-

I know Shame.
She and I aren’t too far from the same.
She’s frightened to be alone
And I’m frightened to be what she became-
Frightened our blood line determines our fate

I asked for an angel
And yet God sent me you...
I never understood why he did this
I thought it was a joke and he the fool.
A broken girl with a hurtful past
And yet you send me a gangster
There's no way he heard me right this time
This really couldn't be his answer.
Every day I thought to myself
There must be a reason God sent you
To me you belong for a reason
Show me what he found so special in you.
But now I know the gift was not him
He was a blessing in disguise
The beautiful baby girl that this man gave me
Was the angel God placed in my life. :)

Can we keep you innocent, my child...
Wrap you up and never let another hand touch you.
Keep you wholesome forever and always see a smile on your face.

Can I keep you this big forever...
Listen to your giggles and hear your tapping feet on my floors for as long as I live.
Feel your little hands and feet wrestle with me every night before your big beautiful eyes close to welcome another day.

Can we stay this close to one another...
You depend on me to always take care of you and be there for you, as I depend on you to fill my life with joy. You give me purpose.

One day she said to me
Mommy, I want to be like you.
But what she doesn't know, because she's too young to understand is that I don't even want to be me. I don't even know who I am.

I hide in my room to escape the judgements
I can hear their thoughts through their eyes. They try to solve my problems without even knowing them. They don't know how alone I feel and how torn I am between wanting to be a mother of two or a sad woman. I cannot be both. I push everyone away and immediately want them back. I'm always just hoping they will stay no matter how hard I push.

I wish I could erase all of those terrible memories from my children's heads. They don't talk about it. They just move on and I stay in regret. This puddle of regret that I love to bathe in.

I regret turning on this movie
I have to walk away
I can't watch her suffer his cruelty,
I can't watch her endure ****.
His abuse and her torture
I feel goosebumps and I cringe
I leave the room before I *****
Because I hate being reminded of him.
All these years later
You would think I'd be fine
But I'm not, and I can't stand it
The experience lingers in my mind.
I hate that to this day, I still flinch at night
And I yell in my sleep
I hate that I can't talk about it with anyone
Because I don't want to be seen differently.
I ******* hate being reminded of you
Showers and rhymes don't make me feel better or clean
I hate that I blame myself so harshly for that night
But I let myself down; I was the only one who could have saved me.

In this life I have found you to love
And in the next I shall do the same.

I'm never scared
That's what I say
Because deep inside, I scream lies
And that's why I'm this way.
My soul holds all these secrets
While my heart silently cries
Everyday I try to let go of this chaos
That my better half tries to hide
I appear to be together
But inside I'm a mess
I blame my twisted thoughts and dreams
That bring me this distress..
I blame those hurtful memories
That gave me this despair
"How fortunate" you reply to me
When I say I'm never scared.

My skin that bled for days
And I thought I might drown in such blood
Barley breathing
He came to heal my wounds
My new skin
Covering my lashes and panic
To bring new light.
To bring new hope.
But yesterday I fell
And I scraped my hands and cracked my head open
I sat there and watched the blood run down my body
I watched the blood drip from my mascara painted eyelashes
And my tears made a ****** mess
I tasted like cheap copper
Little by little I faded away
Because my new skin was ruined
And I couldn't see it anymore
My new skin had vanished
All his light
All my hope
He vanished from me and I was forever more just a blood stain on the street

Hold my hand while we fall
Kiss me until we break
Whisper sweet things in my ear
Until we meet our future fate.
Love me today
Remember me tomorrow
When the day comes for me to walk away
Let me go and do not follow.
Turn away and don't look back
Our paths do not combine..
We were toys to the gods,
You were never meant to be mine.
We met at a crossroads,
In the middle of an X,
It's written in the stars
That you eventually go right, and I go left.
Truth is I don't trust you
But you must know that already,
With so little that you know,
How can you say you love me?
I see deceit in your eyes
I foresee nothing but pain
You're a womanizer and a heartbreaker
I see right through your habitual game.

Getting older, learning to burry the past
Looking for men who may heal me fast
Found myself in bad situations, the kind that wake me from my sleep
When all I ever wanted was someone to love me
Bare hands kept me silent
No matter how far I go, I can't run from it

No nightmares again he said, and we close our eyes
But still I wake at 3am fighting the Demond's in the night.

I don't need to look back.
I've already seen what's there.

If I could lay in silence all night
This would be the place
In the middle of North Carolina
With the moonlight shining upon my face.

Listening to the trees talk their secrets
And the stars shining so bright
Yes, if I could have it my way
I would be out here every night.

I would clear my mind and pack a bag
Kiss my dad goodbye on the cheek
For tomorrow he will return to California
And you will find me dancing amongst the leaves.

Next to the river along a county road
Under the willow tree
Yes, if I could have it my way
This is where I'd always be.

Tears are worthless
What will they get me?
I'll still feel the pain
I'll still remain empty.
I'll still wake up in this place
I'll still have these memories
So just tell me please,
Where will crying get me?

I'll still be the same person
That you always have seen
It will have no life changing effect
On the person that I will be.
The process of crying
Won't make me happy
And the sorrow will return
It always does eventually.

So it seems as though
Your release is a useless hobby
That isn't very helpful
In maintaining reality.
So if you know the answer
Then you can resolve my questioning
Tears are worthless
What will crying gain me?

Your lies don't fool me
While the rest of the world lends an ear
Speak. Speak. Speak.
I still don't hear you.
Your lying, hateful words
Poison. You're poison.
Make the world believe your stories
I still don't hear you.
You and your deceitful, manipulating, ******* lies
Speak. Speak. Speak.
Until you have no more lies to tell.
You make me sick.

You were the realist thing I ever felt.*

And after all the tears and pain I am so glad that you're gone and I don't feel a thing.

Except... Now I can't feel anything

In this life she is untrusting
She says she is a "new soul"
Unhappy with everything she tries
She doesn't understand the ways of people

My mother, she knows
That this is not yet her time
She is here now to get practice
For the day of her prime

I am here to watch over her
She recognizes my "old soul"
More acceptable to human nature, I am
Therefore I remain more peaceful

She will pass one day, but I do not fear
Because I know our paths will cross again
Whether it be 40 years from now or a thousand centuries
Our souls will forever remain friends.

I cried.
Not because you shattered my dreams or ripped my heart out of me.
Not because you destroyed every hope I ever had in men.
Not because you learned to hate me and abused my body and soul.

I cried because as I chopped this onion it forced me to cry. That's just what onions do. Kinda like you. That's just what you do.

And after it all- I was still standing.  Alone and cold, yes. But I was still standing.

You shoved me down and pulled me through the mud by my hair. Kicking my face as you walked and reminded me that I wasn't worth a ****.  Yet, here I stand.

You do not own me. You do not control me.

These words are all that I have
They can always be recited
But never replicated
They are what make me orginal

Do you mean the ones who live on the other side?
Clear across the ocean, two miles in from the tide?

The ones that live with little means or the ones that live like we were meant to?
That work, play, stress, fear, and cry, just like we do?

The men who were created from the earth and the women from Adam's rib?
The ones who fall asleep staring at the same galaxies wondering if we're all there is?

Do you mean the ones in straw houses near dirt roads?
That learn how to survive on the land and wear the clothes that they sew?

Others and me,
I'm sorry, pardon me... I'm just slightly confused
Because when I think of them, I think of me
I can't separate the two.

I am never alone
You see, I have a friend
Who wakes me up
And never leaves my bed
Who talks to me
And knows my soul
If you were to look you would see no one
But I am surely not alone.
My friend is the kind you wouldn't like around
She's bothersome and weary
She likes to invade in my private space
She wants to be my one and only
She knows no boundaries
She knows not of what is right
She only knows what is wrong
And reminds me in flashbacks of my life
You know her as pain
An emotion with no face
But I tell you now, she has one
And she wears no shame.
Her hands as they touch me
Are cold and empty
Her eyes as she sees me
Are dark and heavy
She sleeps with me
Even though I beg her to leave
I yell and scream at her
And she still holds onto me..
So tight she squeezes
She holds back tears as she asks me about love
As if I would know...
I tell her all I feel is numb..

My love is like a feather in the wind.. Seeming so harmless and soft. If just for a second you could grab it and hold onto it to feel how smooth... But you will always let go. You will always drop me from your hands. Why? Because who needs a feather after all...
A feather once belonged to something alive.. It once was part of hundreds of other like pieces and was a whole. One by one they fell off and this feather flew away on her own. Waiting for someone to pick her up and notice her again. Although she is not whole, she is still beautiful in her own way. As an individual. As one piece alone. But what could you use her for? What is her purpose....
When you let go she will then again drift away and find another place. She will seem peaceful, but lost. Unaccompanied by companions and will drift so far that would make you wonder where she came from. Out of her element and now misplaced.. Not lost.

A cigarette in peace
I'd like to know where peace is
Maybe she's here
In this moment
On this stairway
Compared to tomorrow
Compared to what is yet to come
Maybe my peace has come and gone
Or maybe I didn't recognize her when I passed through
Maybe I just missed her
And she waved at me from the sand bar
Maybe  she's in this cigarette
And I'm disintegrating her sweet promise to ash
Maybe she's in all things fatal
Oh, the irony of the possibility.

Your opinions are like ***** pennies to me
I don't pay them any attention
As I walk down the street

Others may find them valuable
But I'm a germaphobe and a go-getter
I make my own opinions
And leave yours for the debt collectors

“Penny for your thoughts” he said
I’d be rich if I gave you even a handful of those
Pennies turning into bands
And your brain would surely overdose
I drink you down, I feel you closely
Thinking of every effect you have on me
Analyzing your words, extracting what I like hearing
I’m quiet but I’m thinking of the meanings

I was never perfect
I did not claim to be
Yet you expected somehow
That I eventually would be

Perfect for you
But there's no such thing
You expect the world to mold to you
Bend to your way of being

Harsh as your opinions
I somehow thought you would see
The strength in my mind
The beauty in my individuality

Broken China in the kitchen
Blood throughout the carpet
Punched holes in the walls
The house remains silent.

Astrology claims it has seen us before
Maybe back when the greek gods were in power and they fell in love like liars.
Always dreaming of each other and forming plans for humanity
while tangled up in each other's bed sheets.
Are they the reason why we are not compatible?
Because they have determined that  I only seem to catch things on fire and you calmly throw your waters upon my destruction..
Because I hunt among a pack and you swim with currents of the sea..
We are but slaves to the stars.

But I do know that astrology has never seen us
Call me a hopeless romantic for believing that we are different
So be it.

Your silence had me running
Fearing I may find an abandoned apartment when I reached your address.
Flashing images of our nights in your kitchen,
Our passionate moments on your counters and against your furnishings,
Our bare feet caressing each other,
Our ideas floating through the air,
Your hands holding me so tight,
The way you love to make me laugh and play your little games with my mind like children,
Your playful touch across my skin,
Your eyes as you watch me gaze off into that place that I often visit in my mind. But I still see you....
I was afraid to find you gone

I reached your doorstep
My hair drenched from the rain
My breath heavy
My nose wet and cold,
Hands shaking, finding the most difficulty knocking on your door
Which sounded more like pounding...
Hardly moments went by and you opened.
I leaped into your arms and wept
You stood there, warm as I had ever felt,
Stronger than I ever realized I admired so much
You asked about my troubles and I could not speak...
I had so much courage to run here and beg you to stay,
Convince you that I need you with me,
I thought of scenarios to try and make you believe that leaving would be the worst mistake...
But now that I face you, I am weak. I am voiceless.
I crave to never let you go and tell you how much I want you here, but I can't.
I know that you leaving means a better life for yourself
And that holding you back would be the most selfish act,
And that you would never forgive me for it.
But most of all, I fear that if I confessed all of my troubled mind to you- you would still decide to leave. And in facing that, I may just come apart and never recover.

I wrote of Demond's that invaded me. Demond's that corresponded with my brain and danced with my soul. Demond's that abducted my heart and blinded my eyes.

I wrote of Darla, my idealistic alter ego. The one who dreams of romance and treads passionately towards it. The other girl inside of me who forgives and cries without remorse or regret.

I wrote of heartbreak and abuse from past lovers. The torment of a fractured heart and the loneliness that was left. The neglect from my childhood and the pains of independence. The confusion of men and the unanswered question of "How will I ever heal".

I wrote of my habitual infidelity and thirst for love. My attraction to danger and lust for something more. My deepest desires and most remembered experiences. My darkest fantasies mixed with a little chaos.

In all of this, I still feel the need to say more. Somewhere deep inside I crave to tell the world what's on my mind and written in my heart. Even in knowing I'll never say it all, I will always try.