I don’t mean to love you
It just is this way

*And I’ve tried everything to let go
But you always stay

I must be stupid
I must have lost my mind
There's a space in my hollow head where you walk around
Banging on the walls and the door
You talk to me through the vents manipulating my feelings

I may be smart enough to know I don't love you
But I must be stupid to keep you up there.

You made so many promises that you didn't keep
You bought me this promise ring
It used to fit so perfectly.
And it used to shine, just like your promises
I find it funny now that we're finished,
This ring no longer fits.

What a funny thing.

Yes, we have counties
Boundaries and lines
But they’re all faded
Just like us
We have territories
Invisible chalk that we do not cross
For if you cross, prepare to be crossed
Back up, eyes up, guard up
We fight each other
For love. For our beliefs. For loyalty.
We fight for our territory
Yet we protect us. All of us
We shelter us, no exclusions, no exceptions
We are California and we are our own breed.

And there is was.  As real as I knew it was.

It existed in my mind and fed on my soul. I stared it right in the face and felt somewhat whole.

It was like finding the missing piece to the puzzle. A puzzle you've been working on for a year. And the more you tried to figure out what happened to it, the more it felt unclear.

Your heart was invested. But in someone else as I could see. I obviously didn't deserve honesty from you. I wonder if she knows about me?

I was the sweet sugar on his mouth
Melted on his tongue
Like snowflakes
Tingling his senses
A refreshing experience
And he sipped me like coffee
Like some kind of caffeine addict
Again and again pressed against his lips
I wanted so much to be his habit
Oh but I was, and I'll never forget it
He's long gone now
And I'm just that stained mug in his cabinet

Unbelievable... I can't imagine..
Being you and the man you are in such high fashion...

Being the "man" you are in such self loathe...
How pathetic you appear.. Even with my eyes closed.

How small you seem, even too the smallest ant
... How wicked your soul is even to the most ******..

How disgusting your thoughts to even the forsaken
... How dare you use me and tell me I'm mistaken

How dare you sit here and lie in my face
Confess such hurtful things then re-word them in a kinder way

You try to sugar coat the truth and pretend I can't taste..
The bitterness underneath the sweet powdered glaze

To belittle me and my feelings, you soon will realize
That my kindness to you was more than you deserved in this life

You mistook my kindness for sympathy and now you're all out of chances
I'm so over this game that you play and all of your antics.

I just do.
Because I don't have another way.
My daughter needs a strong mommy
And so I fight these battles every day.
I do what I do because
My mom never did for me
I wasn't a good enough reason
For her to be happy.
I didn't make her smile enough
For her to love me over men
And I'd always give her another chance
Hoping each time would be different.
She was notorious for the best promises
She really had some good ideas
But she was too depressed to leave her room
So we never did any of those things.
I always wanted to know what it was like
To have a mother who would do anything for me
But she always wanted to know what it was like
To leave this life and be set free.

You pushed me
Expecting me to fall
Silencing my voice with your screams
Ignoring my surrendering call

You bent me
Expecting me to snap
Untwisting my brain within your fingers
Letting the fragments rot in your lap

You stabbed me
Expecting me to bleed
Over and over you left me for dead
Hoping that I would cede

All of these terrible things you've done
All of the pain that I've endured
Karma will come back to find you
And when she does I am sure,
She will haunt you for a lifetime
She will avenge all of my pain
You will cower in her fury
And you will remember my name.

I traded in my crucifix to run away with a man
The life of a rebel
My life with a criminal
Battling my conscience with the devil
Second guessing & rethinking my ways
Freedom tastes so sweet
But is the price worth the pay?
My skin burns as my religion renounces me
Yet my heart beats to his drum
Sins and all
Loving him is a guilty liberation
A brutal descent, a satisfying fall

Back and forth, left and right
We never could make up our minds,
We never could be on the same page
We always were too disengaged.
When you wanted attention
I wanted freedom
When I wanted commitment
You wanted a reason.
We spoke of love like it had no limits
One of us was always more invested.
One day we were inseparable and the next I was at your throat
One minute you had your arms around me then in a flash you would explode...
For the longest time we truly believed
That I was meant for you, and you for me,
We thought two broken souls had finally found a home
But we were even too broken for each other and the result was a cyclone.
Our love was a tragedy and I don't believe it was real
We both just wanted a heart to steal...
We lost ourselves and its sad to remember
That at one point we both made a promise of forever,
We were best friends and now we can't even speak
Because every time just brings up too many bad memories.
Your pictures make me puke and your voice gives me a headache
But at one time just thinking of you used to keep me awake,
And at one point you trusted me enough to tell me your secrets
Things I know now you wish you never revealed.
Three times you asked me to marry you and make it official
But each time I said no because I was too fearful
Terrified of you and your selfish ways
All of this **** I've said too many times, just in different ways
It just doesn't go away.

Although we parted and went about our own ways
Our bond was one that remained.
When you left this life you took a part of me with you
Good night and take care dear friend, I'll see you again soon.

I walked as far as I could
Off the beaten path
Between the weeds and overgrowth

Next to the river
I found a fountain
I found a spot that felt like home

I stayed just to listen
To feel my heart beat once again
I forgot what it was like to feel alive

I don't know how to be me
More like me
The girl I know is trapped inside

He tried to play a girl who knows a thing or two
But his game was hella wack
A miserable rookie trying to play in the big leagues
Looking a lot like Colin Kaepernick
Switching girls the way you switch up gears
Bad timing, stalling from 1 to 2
You're messy and all over the road, boy
You wanna be a player? Well here, let me show you -

To be a hero to someone
There will always be a villain found in you
By someone else -

You speak of love as if you should know it
But you have never fallen in love with a poet

You have never been captivated by a sentence or a phrase
A heartfelt tribute that would leave you weakened for days

You have never been held prisoner by a verse about love
A single idea expressed in rhythm that made you feel like you couldn't get enough

You've never read an emotion that broke your heart and broke you down
No, you've never loved so deep that you thought you might drown

I love you this way, the same that I love my lyrics
If you can feel what I feel, then tell me so I can hear it.

I could have seventeen thousand likes
But there's only one I want
Seventeen hundred heads turning
All but the one I wanted to respond
I feel like I'm seventeen again
Begging for your attention
Seventeen million empty faces
And I'm unable to make a connection
Life line linked to you
From one thousand seventeen miles distance
Building a wall of strangers and space
Is my way of showing my resistance

Is there a liquor strong enough to fix me
Strong enough to make me forget who you are
Forget your name.
Maybe if I drink enough, the memory of you will come out with all this food I had earlier today.
Is there a liquor that tastes better than your kiss
Feels better than your arms
I've searched many bottles and have yet to find this liquor that people say mends their pain.

No selfish decisions.
Don't love. Think about your daughter.
How will this affect her. How will she take it.
You do not have the freedom to choose where you go because you must think of her first. You do not have the freedom to fall in love because she may not approve.

No selfish decisions.
No matter how terrible her father treats you, you grin and bear. Because you do not have the right to behave in any other manor. You are being watched. And even though he tells her that you keep her away and that you are a terrible person, you cannot show anything but compassion because you are an example. You teach her compassion and you must practice what you preach.

No selfish decisions.
Time to yourself? What for? You chose the life you have. So live it. Every day. You chose this path so keep you're wits about you. Give her the life she deserves and work every day to make sure she has it. Don't let her go a day unhappy or a moment without, because you want a break.

Don't be selfish. This is not your life you're living for.   It's hers.

Hello best friend
How are you doing today
I would tell you how I'm doing
But I know you know already.
I wake up with you, I walk with you
But yet you hide in the shadows
You feel sympathetic for me
When others find me shallow
After remaining strong all day
I come home and collapse in your darkness
My only true place of freedom to express my sadness.
You sit and listen as I recant my dreadful day
and even though you can't respond
I can feel you listening.
I can feel you try to comfort me
As we just sit there in silence
Your presence is always relieving

Did I really do that?
Turn you into this person who stands today?
You look at me and all I see is anger
I can feel your hate from these hundreds of miles away.
I can sense you feel no guilt, which is funny
Because you have plenty to be sorry for
Patching up these holes in the walls
And staring at the broken hinges on every door.
Your rage with me began so long ago
And yet it had nothing to do with me
The first time you choked me unconscious
I woke up and realized how dangerous you could be.
The first time you shoved me with our daughter in my arms
Across the room then ran to our rescue
Revealed a side to your wickedness
That I always wish I never knew.
The first time was not the last time,
And somehow it is still at no end
You decided to push me away for six long years
Then suddenly you wanted to be my best friend.
You're hurt because you opened up to me
And finally gave me your heart and soul
But by the time you wanted this thing to work
I had already turned cold.
Stop calling my phone and playing victim
Continue to gossip about me to your family
Solitude suites you so well old friend
Just forget about me.

I gently bite your knuckles
And I'm captivated by your eyes
Your kisses silence me
In and out of our sleepless nights
Don't stop loving me
Don't even let the idea creep into your mind
I am yours forever in this life
And you're undoubtedly mine.

You seem to be the only one I can't stand
The only one I can't forget
I bang my head against the wall
Hoping the memory of you will fall out of it

You seem the be the only one
That I just can't shake
I drown myself in tears and liquor
Until I finally numb this heartbreak

But in my dreams you remain
These feelings never die
Every day I fight to neglect
This void you left behind

Write a poem that a man can understand
A man that doesn't understand them
I read to him and he seems confused
Would it be easier it I spelled it out:
I  L o v e  Y o u .

You always wanted to be somebody
You chased an idea and you chased an image
I chased you but I lost you
And you lost your courage..

How does it feel to be just some body?

I’ll take the blame
Because I know it’s harder for you
To admit your wrongs
To realize your wrongs
So I’ll take the blame
And I’ll listen to your pain
Because I know it’s harder for you
To heal
To move on
So I’ll take the blame

I'm always thirsty
My craving never subsides
I found peace in you
That's why I ate you.
I wanted a piece of that.
I have realized that I cannot be saved.
I walk with the ******.
I live amongst beasts.
  I feed on the innocent.

...Like a vampire

Always aware
That I am a special kind,
but a very lonely kind
I found a home with you
But you slept and I couldn't.
You were wholesome and I wasn't.
Your heart beated and I didn't have one.
So I ate you.
From the inside out.
  I'm sorry.

I'm thinking about you.
Laying in bed, watching the ceiling.
Waiting for a great life change to come knock on my door
Hoping maybe you will be that knock.

I'm thinking about how you make me feel.
Trying to analyze the emotion and put a label on it.
It seems impossible to understand.
It swirls around my heart and sends messages to my brain like a fast paced satellite
But the messages are not clear so I'm left to decipher them as best as possible.

I'm thinking about your hands.
How there couldn't possibly be another hand in this universe that could be so perfect.
Not one single flaw.
They have their own language and they explore my body every time like it's the first time.
You clear my mind and kidnap my soul.

You take me out of this world.
Take me to Jupiter.

I saw it in her eyes
She was going to leave
*But she didn’t know it yet

Please don't tell the world my secrets
I know you can read my thoughts
I know you understand my pain
And know the battles that I have fought.
You know I'm weary of this
And that I don't trust men
Yet you persist and insist
That you are nothing like the rest of them.
Please don't run away with my heart
And give yours to another
Please do not build a foundation of lies for us
That one day I must uncover.
Why are you so kind to me?
What do you see in me that the rest have missed?
Why do you not take someone else with less issues?
What about me has you interested?
Please don't tell the world these emotions I have
Please just keep them to yourself
And please don't try to save me
Because I do not need your help.

Sweet as candy, lemon squeeze
I religiously take 2 sugar cubes in my morning tea
Unless it is Sunday, then I have 3
But I lose track of days so I always take 3
I dye my hair white so that I can wear organic fleece
Imported from the marketplace in Venice, Italy
I like rainbow sprinkles melted on my Bitto cheese
Would you be so kind to fetch me some, please?
Oh yes, I adore my little castle on the edge of Rimini
I open my kitchen cabinets to feel the salty breeze
I don't ever leave.
My hallways play music so that I can tap dance and sing
In the southwest corridor I lay down to watch the ceiling
Gold on my fingers and diamonds on my feet
I am the queen of my city
And I defy lucidity

I open my eyes, for what I anticipated to be a brief moment
But I find myself standing in the middle of a puddle
About 5 inches deep and I'm bare foot
How did I get here?

I don't know who's clothes I'm wearing
I don't recognize the street in which I'm standing
Not a soul in sight.
Stranded in the middle of a big city
And it's some time between 10 and 3 o'clock
All I know is that it's dark and these street lights light up a way

I could take this path that's lit for me ahead
But I don't know where it leads
Maybe if I close my eyes I'll go back to where I came from
Where do I belong?

Fight
To be stronger
Than you think you are
Day by day
You’ll be stronger
Than the day before

This is how strength is born

You could be my best friend the way you keep my secrets
No other lover other than you knows my desires before I speak them
Your voice relaxes my body and makes my heart beat jump around
I could lay here all day just listening to the sound
I wish I could lay here all day and wake up in your arms
Open my eyes and start a new day with you at dawn
I'm always in a dream like trance for days before and after I see you
I'm off in a far away land where all I see is you
Your smile has a way with me, you could get anything you want
All you need to do is ask and I'd gladly make it yours
I just want to lay on the beach with you all day and let the waves touch our toes
With my head on your chest, forgetting all our troubles.

He grabbed her hand
     Covered her eyes
      Snatched her from gravity
      Flew her to the highest point in the skies
      Held her body tight

" O p e n  y o u r  e y e s "

She did and what she saw was terrifying
      The world beneath her feet

He said
    *Don't be scared
        I've got you
             And I'm  n e v e r  letting you go

My universe comes
to an unnerving halt when I see you
But I continue to walk
as if I’m in a rush with somewhere to be

The way you turned my sweet heart into nothing
Was like watching ice cream melt to asphalt

Please put me down

I let you take me above and beyond
Soaring through the galaxies..
You've showed me the brightest stars
and the kindest planets
You've showed me compassion
in ways I've never known
You've showed me honesty and love..

But please put me down.
Bring me back to earth.

I don't want to fall from all the way up here
I don't want to be abandoned out here..

Please bring me back,
Where I know what to expect
and even though it's less than what I deserve,
at least I will know where I stand.

I'm wearing your favorite color today
You know, that one you said always looked best on me
I curled my hair just the way you like
Spent extra time on my makeup and whitened my teeth
I painted my finger nails and did a dance in the mirror
Before I left the house
Listened to all those old tunes we used to sing together
Knowing I won't see you around
I'm wearing your favorite smile today
That one that lights my eyes green
And while I'm thinking about everything except you
I hope your stuck thinking about all of these things on me.