to hide
but be seen more often
to give less of myself
but be caring and kind
to be grateful
but not place so much value in things
and to love
but feel less

I'm not afraid of not being loved.
I'm afraid of being told i'm not worth fighting for.

you asked me to think back to life before he swept me off my feet
do you really wanna know what that was like?
cause i remember it all too clearly and it was
so
empty

school days spent looking out the window
i could'nt wait to get out
i was waiting
waiting for you
nights.
online, always online.
experiencing all the cheap thrills of little windows
to empty souls
eyes watching and looking for lust
the same way i was looking for love
waiting
waiting for you.
boys
maybe i could find what i was looking for in this new
new playground
tools
i was wrong.
i kept waiting
waiting for you.
Then he came along and showed me different.
He never mistreated, never judged, never expected, his love never budged, never used, never abused, appreciated, and always waited
on me
and i never had to wait for him
and i trust him

so why am i still waiting
******* waiting on my knees
for *you

have you benefited from me?
this friendship
this love
is there anything more i can give you?
so your heart
i can touch

you try
everyday
and i know that it gets tough
but distance would mean the world to me
if only you understood that much

i know what its like in your shoes
trust me
i know
i do
but i also know that this is the only way
to stop me from hurting you

to answer your question
you have
ive learnt that sometimes the truth
can only serve to break someone
and so ill keep lying to you

your life cannot benefit from my honesty
and something i know too well
is that sometimes people grow better
without me
sometimes i just shouldnt tell

im sorry i know you dont understand
and perhaps you never will
but my heart it hurts for you everyday
but soon youll learn to tell your heart
"be still"

How have you managed

                                                   to break down my walls



                                 

                                   with a small plea




You have unraveled me.

Somebody please tell me what the hell is going on
Why am i still crying and where has my love gone
For a brief moment in time I thought he was still there
with his beautiful scruffy face, and his curly hair
but then i looked a little closer and realized his eyes had dimmed
he struck once,
struck twice
I realized that man wasn't him.

Don't tell me things wont change
when the seasons have moved ahead of me
Don't tell me you'll stay the same
when the faces are already a blur
Don't tell me that you will fight for this
when I never agreed to battle
Don't tell me the ***** in my court
when the only player is me
Don't tell me all these empty promises
when you dont know how to see them through
Don't tell me that you're sorry
when this is the path you chose
Don't say that you're afraid of losing me
and then toss me into the shadowy bay
The only one who's losing is me in this
and I dont know how to be okay.

Im afraid to fall asleep

                                                      

                                                               ­                             Im afraid to wake up


                                                              ­                                             another day

i feel hurt
i feel sad
i feel like this is so easy for you
i feel like you never gave a **** about me
i feel like this is unfair
i feel like if anyone should be walking away its me
i feel like the only thing i really want is for us to be happy together again, but then again i want you to be happy too
i feel scared
i feel like you will never miss me like i miss you
i feel disappointed
i feel unappreciated
i feel so **** sad
i feel numb inside
i feel nothing
nothing at all

i wish you'd fight for me
for once in your life, go after something and hold onto it
i wish you'd fight for me
and for everything you believe we could be together
i wish you'd fight for me
because maybe, just maybe i could make you happy and all i really wanna see is that happiness you wear so well in your eyes instead of across your teeth.
i wish you'd fight for me
maybe then i'd know for that i am actually wanted the same way i want you
i wish you'd fight for me
so i can stop questioning like a stupid infatuated girl
i wish you'd fight for me
fight for me like i have been fighting myself for you
i wish you'd fight for me
but i know inside you never will.

a taste of freedom
so bittersweet

                                      freshness.


a­ sugar crystal on my tongue.

but the sugar will soon dissolve.



                                                  ma­ke way for salt on the back of my throat.

Isnt it a little funny
that we love each other in equal measure
but you couldnt be ****** to tell me when it mattered.
Isnt it funny
how you were cold and cool while i was running in circles
desperately searching for your heart full of love
ready to embrace
but never did.

Isnt it funny how now i am someone else's.

Isnt it so funny
how you waltz in and out of my life as you please
******* with my emotions and whispering sweet nothings that are
MY EVERYTHING
What i live for
I love for you and you alone and now i cant ******* admit it to the world
So i stare at a screen and talk to it like my only confidante because YOU
you ******* missed your chance and now
i am forced
to give you another one

cause i ******* love you and cant let you go

I am the biggest sinner
In loving
i became the biggest sinner.

I know all the reasons
I know all the versus
So the voices in my head need to shut up because in being a sinner i am lost

The gospel text
come find me and tell me what the hell im supposed to do
Not now, not today
I know
Help me trust
that someday he will come for me and everything will be right
and everyone will sing because he is the only thing that's right
so maybe its okay that i am so wrong
so wretched

If it is his will
it will be
and he will heal all that i have so carelessly broken

Karma's got me by the neck.

The more i chase after my own happiness,
the more you hurt,
the more i hurt.


So i will stop wanting things. Have no expectations.


                      I guess im just not entitled to happiness of my own.


I'll swallow it one more time,

Then maybe god will see my plight.
Then maybe next time round


                               It'll be my turn.        


  
                                              ­                                     to be happy.

Opinions
I will never give again
Thoughts
I will learn to not share
Ideas
Contribute only when the boat is sinking
and Hurt
Hide it at all costs

I guess that's the problem with being upright
that's the price of knowing black from white
that's the problem with taking on the protector role
cause all that is left is
a
big
fat
hole

I don't wanna be the mom anymore
I don't wanna be taken for granted
I don't wanna be your confidante
don't wanna try and help
because if i do
you will never see me
as just someone with needs
just like you

I've had it with trying to decode all these hidden messages left behind for me. The i love yous that have no follow up. The i miss yous but ill keep my distance. The tip toe steps you take around me. All i need is a little honestly. For ******* once some honesty from people so that i know that im not a fool like im made to think i am. Waiting around for people to finally give me back the same amount i give them. Does. it. end.

just an ounce of it




would have been lovely...

i will bite my tongue.

in the hollow belief
that someday

it will count for something.

today
im finding every explanation inadequate
every consolation lacking
every kind word not nearly kind enough
every song irrelevant
and this whole "life" thing
just so **** pointless

Im growing up.
what i want is changing,
a little more everyday.
My mind tells me i don't want this anymore.
sometimes it screams so loud inside this shell of a skull
telling me i need to get out
go
leave.

But i cant.

When i look a you lying next to me sleeping
my heart stands still because you lie in my arms
trusting me.
its like a cliche scene in some advert on tv.
i can hear the music in the background as the light shines on your face
and suddenly everything is still and slow-mo
and all i can feel is your soft breath on my chest and everything is alright
i touch your eyelashes so softly and your eye will do that little flicker
and you'll rub your nose and shift a little, but still soundly asleep.
ill kiss your forehead and whisper that i love you
because i do.
believe me i do.
But i dont know whats right anymore because i dont think that my love will ever match up to yours if i stay
and you'll keep telling me that's okay
but its not.

So let me go and please dont cry.
because i'm not worth the tears
someday you'll understand why..

out of my mind today
trying to come back down to earth
i refuse to sleep
i aint tired
i insist
you see its just that
its just that
im finally alone
with myself
my thoughts
so im not all that alone
but there is no expectation or responsibility
like lifes other relationships
there is no relationship like my relationship with myself
and i need to be alone
i am finally alone.
i love it
cause i cant face people anymore
i dont know how to
while still liking myself
someone please take me away

And i will spend my entire life making excuses
for you
My whole life telling people you were
perfect
All my days convincing myself
you had your reasons
And my every minute saying
"its okay"

Whatever it takes me to finally forgive
and remind myself once more that
this is the price i must pay
to have you in my life

it;s worth it
it's worth it
take a shot
just swallow it down once more.

i am not insignificant
i am worth it
i am not stupid
i am not blind
i am not ugly and unwanted
my efforts were not for nothing
my pain is justified
my feelings are real
i am not over-exaggerating
i am not taking it too far
i am not selfish
i am not attention seeking
i am not alone
i am not useless
i am not a bad person
i am just a little br
                                     oke
                                            n.

sometimes i search for you
in the corners of my mind
where im dying to get out
and keep running until i find
what we used to be
the things we used to share
im trying to find YOU
so please, are you still there?

It's a deep deep despair

The feeling of losing oneself,
to find someone else.

Losing your own sanity
to maintain another's

Losing the light in your skies
to shed a little on someone else's world


Yes, im most positively lost.
roaming in the eyes of too many I hold so close

it grips my throat.

I'm sorry I can't be everything you wanted
After everything you have been for me
I guess all I've done is cause disappointment and hurt
This is not how love should be.
I hope one day you find better
Someone who will cherish every inch of what you can give
I hope one day you'll forgive me for being so selfish
And maybe you can learn to love me different
And we can start anew
And maybe I'm just being naive
But please don't doubt that I have loved you

it was like yesterday
letting my mother see me weak
for the first time
in so long
it was like yesterday
when i sat on her bed
trying to swallow emotion
that was crawling its way up my throat
gripping harder than reality
it was like yesterday
i begged her
i cried
and i begged her
it was like yesterday
"please"
"please i dont want to go"
"i cant face them"
"i cant face any of it"
it was like yesterday
i let my guard down
"i dont want to go to school dont make me go please"
it was like yesterday*
sobbing
a mess
she didnt touch me
no comfort
no ounce of sympathy on her face
"you go"

"please, no"

"you go"

she always made me face it
she always made me face it
i always had to face it


its been 4 years.
"please dont make me go"
maybe if i beg one more time it'll work today

is it my fault
that my body and soul dont fit?
dysfunctional
two hands that dont grip
holding onto each other for dear life

dont look at me
i cant handle the thoughts that pierce through your eyes
youll never tell me
but they stick to my back like a sign that screams for people to
laugh

laugh at me
i can hear all of it
even if your mouth never uttered a sound

let me curl up
let me try for once
the only way i know how
to be small
to be me
because i am small

how much more must i scream just so i can be invisible

Some nights
holding on to your words
feels like i'm losing grip of me

you* are like nail polish.

You're beautiful
and shiney
the only sparkle i see
when i hold someones hand

Youre cute
and your colours change
sometimes red
sometime gold

But sometimes black and blue
battered and beaten
chipped
like my heart

when i have to remove you.

I have fallen deeply
madly
for you

But im not ready to be in love with you

Ive suffered
sleepless nights
guilt
scratching at the doors of my being
begging to be let in
then eating me from inside out chewing away at my flesh and leaving me
dry

for you.

Ive had the conversations to be had
laughed way too many times
watched our lives blow away with the cigarette smoke of our youth
watched you sleep in my arms
lay down in sin
beside you
i believe what you say because i hang on to the sound
the sound of our beings and our lives
colliding sending aches piercing clean through my heart  
what am i left with

what the **** am i doing.

Im in love with you,
but i never should have fallen.