my head just wont shut up
once more, i fill my cup
the voices, too loud
im alone in this crowd
the faces all unclear
without you, my dear
i just dont understand
why isnt it you, holding my hand
please, wait, dont go
baby i love you so.
i dont know what to do anymore
*i dont know what im living for

Remember when we went to the barrage and had a picnic?
yeah that was nice. all those crazy photos and swatting away ants from our picnic mat. Do you remember that time you were grounded for months? and i was the only one who could come over and we'd play in your garden with the garden hose all afternoon and then have dinner in our drenched clothes. Do you remember that time we got drunk on breezers and my mum had to come pick us up? she was mad for so long after that and didnt want us to see each other but we did. many times. to have apple pie from macdonalds or just to talk about boys. Do you remember that time your mom found out you were smoking and i took the wrap for you and let her believe it was under my influence that you did so. she called me up and demanded answers from me and threatened to call my mom. Do you remember when we went for that camp together and cried like babies thinking about how small we've become since growing up in this world with people who don't understand us like we do each other? we made a pact to forgive all those people but we needed each others help. Do you remember us both crying about our first heartbreaks? It was so unfair because it was never our faults that it didnt work out. it was just never the right time or place. Thats how the universe pushed us together, we'd find each other in all the wrong times and it was the most beautiful thing. Do you remember when i found out you lied. Again, and then that other time. You told me it was a phase and its over. but the phases keep coming on. Do you remember the look on my face? did you notice it at all. cause thats the face when i knew everything that was coming out of your mouth was a lie. Why? i never understood. was i not accepting enough? Do you not remember everything we've been through or was it just never enough. Do you remember all that we used to be? Do you remember kicking up the leaves? Do you remember our plans to travel the world. Do you remember ME..?

I prayed
and I was given
but I told God it was not to be

I took
what was not given

He will be back to claim her from me

The morning dew that clings
to the skin
so soft was your touch
that it burned me in the morning light

Sin dripping from the tongue
but so sweet on the lips

Pull me in
explore
gently
sending shooting stars through my veins as i breathe your name
it sinks into your skin

sink into mine

we didn't fade
we were eternal

we just broke.

my life
is at
a stand still
everything is
broken
into these tiny *******
little
pieces
that i cant put
back
to
gether
and i dont understand any of it
and i cant move to change it
its like a nightmare
its like quick sand
its like nothing
but all at once
and
i
feel
so
alone

the hands that hold me

with the tenderest of touch

are the hands that hold me tightest

and my soul they will crush

im in between. in between loving and hating you cause how can i hate you. but then again this vessel is out of sympathy. im in between. in between screaming and keeping dead silent, trying to decide which might hit harder. cause im in between. in between trying to hate you and push you out of my life, and keeping you close cause i dont want to lose you and the only thing worse than pushing you away is seeing you stop trying to pull me back. im in between, in between wanting to be a good person cause when all is dead and gone i have my soul left to be proud of. but then again this old soul has gotten me nowhere and given me no good. im in between wanting to be stupid and blissful and naive about life like you. but i'd rather have my eyes too wide open then sleep in ignorance at night. im in between loving and completely hating myself for changing because im weak and sometimes i think i deserve to be and i need to stop beating myself up about it but why, why couldnt i just stay the same and confident in my actions because it was the right thing to do. why am i so **** in between why cant i be on one side of the spectrum for once. the right side.  maybe then someone will notice that i am stuck in between my own realities and idealistic fantasies that are turning to dust and falling through my fingers a little more everyday.

The only people
i wish i'd have known
i never thought
you weren't the ones
would make me feel
i could call my own
so alone and distraught

i was made to love
such was my programming.
but every system has flaws
and when my love catches fire
and blazes into the sky
pulling my heart out with it
i retreat
i get scared
how do i love again
when it has cost me so much
how do i deny my makings
when there is a glitch in the system
how do i fix myself
when the damage has been done by foreign hands
there are no instructions
at least not in a language i understand.
no one can help me
but
me.
but i dont trust myself anymore
and so i am stuck.
i try to be loving
i try to go back
but in trying i am hurting
because you dont deserve it
because i put myself at risk again anyway

i am so sorry
so so sorry
and i will never forgive myself for not being able to give you my everything
because all of me
every ounce of my being
is not even enough to repay every drop of your soul
that you have offered me
i cry and i cry and i just cant
i am so sorry
that my love is incapable
my heart not made big enough
to hold the half the weight you hold for me
i am a wretch
i am so flawed
i am so unworthy
of everything you have showered on me
and i want the best for you
i want you to find someone worthy
i want you to love and be loved as deeply and profoundly
but until then
i guess ill keep digging my hole in hell deeper
and be selfish just a while longer
until i decide i am too disgusting to accept anymore from you
because i am sorry
and no amount of me saying that will ever make up for the time you have
wasted on me
i only pray that i will cherish you the way you deserve
i only pray that i can love you half of what you deserve
at least
i only pray that one day you will hate me
because that is what i deserve
and not you

All at once there was nothing to be held
but the threads of everything that I used to have,
unraveling between my fingertips

I know I have to let go
Cause threads, held onto too tight
They cut

And holding onto things already half unraveled
Like a cardigan
Or a stupid beanie
Doesn't
make
sense.

Cause these things,
half gone,
as much as I wish it could
A cardigan or a beanie

    can
no longer  

                       keep
                              me

              
                                           warm

They say time heals all wounds.


            Finally the tears have fallen
                                              
           ­                              They've been so stubborn lately



                                                       ­                    Perhaps time has forgotten


                                                                                           about me.

you will never stop hurting me
but i will stop letting you.








eventually.

If only you could see
how
    much
                
            you've


br
      o
            
k
e
      n


                         me.

I wish it were my fault

then maybe i'd have something to change

I wish it were my fault

then maybe i could have something to repent for

I wish it were my fault

then maybe i could feel anything but this stinking sense of
uselessness

I wish it were my fault

Because right now things have fallen through my fingers
and i cant stop it
and i cant breathe
and i cant stop it
and i am lost
and i just cant ******* stop it

and i am not okay

how dare i
be transparent
that is for the weak
my heart knows of no anguish
pain and sorrow are for the meek
so just go, leave, it's okay
don't turn to search for tears
surely there will be nothing
left here for you to take

find me.
when i cant find myself