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Jul 2015 · 1.3k
Forged Bonds
NicoleRuth Jul 2015
With the passage of time, things change
Nothing remains the same
People change.
We all do. It's a constant process
of evolution, of life

No one person stays
forever in your life
There are billions
of other souls out there
waiting, hoping, desperatedly
searching for a connection

I was lucky enough
to forge one with you
These bonds remain, Even
if those who forged them
move on.

I will never stop caring
or loving
No one person can extinguish
that part of me.

I thank you profusely,
For the stories,
The memories,
The love.

I leave you a better woman
in the making.
A constant work in progress
One filled with love
nonetheless.
Jul 2015 · 541
i almost did
NicoleRuth Jul 2015
Growing up I never had any pets
My adorable baby brother grew to be the centre of all attentions
My parents were way to busy working
Keeping us afloat
To pay attention to this skinny dreamy girl
I've been to crèches
Where the owners 18 year old son used to hit me
I've sat at the doorsteps of my house
Hours and hours
Hoping the cook would let me

Home lost its appeal
I saw it as a place to live
Not a place to love
Loneliness grew to be my closest companion
My dreams and troubles too complicated
For the simple minds of 8 year olds
12 years later
Things have changed
I've grown into a woman
One I could someday admire
But the 8 year old hasn't left
The one who craves love
Who sits by the doorstep of faith knocking
Begging for the strength to hold on

12 years later we got ourselves a tortoise
Marco the solitary explorer of our house
He was not mine to keep or love
A birthday gift just for my brother
But he grew on us all
Bringing out slowly the love we had long since locked away
In my recent months of hiding
He became my companion
Someone so tiny
Who could never speak
Yet listened so intently when I spoke
Whose curiosity and laziness rivalled my own
We had a understanding
A relationship
I was always careful with him
His tininess terrified me
I've hurt too many in the past
Not this time I vowed

But I ******* it all up
Early morning routines passed in a hurry
My selfishness got the better of me
As I hustled into another work day
And just as I lugged my work for the day into the next room
I felt something hit my foot
And a squeak that turned my blood to ice
There he was
Hidden inside his shell which lay upside down
Time slowed down to seconds
As I rushed to set him straight
Praying he was okay

And even though my mom says he's okay
I can't get rid of the guilt
That painful squeak runs clear in my mind every passing second
I don't deserve him
I could have killed him
I almost did
The problem is always with me

I'm the hurricane of insanity
Of fuckedupness redefined
I could have killed him
I almost did
Jun 2015 · 990
?!?
NicoleRuth Jun 2015
?!?
I fell in love with the possibility of us
I fell not for your charming imperfections
I fell not for your 60s voice
I fell for what we could have been
Jun 2015 · 972
Gift me books
NicoleRuth Jun 2015
Gift me books
Filled with stories of far away lands
Words of poetry overflowing in love

Gift me books
Anonymous letters of confession
Mythical tales of African tribes

Gift me books
Blank new borns
Filled to the spine with memories and dreams

Gift me books to fall in love with
Books to time travel into
Books to escape responsible madness
Books to share with my bros

Pages and pages filled with fascinating, inspiring, emotional simple words
Gift me a book
So we can share our worlds to form galaxies
Of trust. Hope. And love.
Jun 2015 · 429
Sweet Sasura
NicoleRuth Jun 2015
Remember all those memories?
The ones I noted meticulously?
The ones you scratched in the planes of my body?
They're vanishing
Like yesterday nights fuzzy dreams
Remaining just as vague after thoughts
Of what had been a detailed dissertation

I no longer remember what it felt
When you engulfed me in your arms
I don't understand anymore
How I felt when you looked into my eyes
I no longer know the feeling
Of you kissing my cheeks
Or if we ever in fact did kiss
Did your lips ever feel mine?

I do not know anymore
It seems you have served your purpose in my life
And no longer are required to be remembered
Maybe this is natures sign
A shining poster for me to see each day
We weren't the one
Not for each other
And trust me its okay
It will all be okay.
Jun 2015 · 420
"What if?"
NicoleRuth Jun 2015
The wind was blowing through my hair,
Entangling it violently
All around were cries of death and
Blasts of body parts
But we flew past it all,
Only one target for us
All I could hear was the massive thumping
Of my nervous heart
All I could see, was his face
All I could taste,
Was the raging fear bursting inside me
Only one thought crossed my mind
Repeatedly
"What if I'm too late? What if?"
Jun 2015 · 377
Scratches and scrawls
NicoleRuth Jun 2015
You would never be just a notch on my bedpost
You'd be the scratches and scrawls
My constant reminders
When I lose my sight
When I no longer hear your laughter
and my memories turn to dust
My fingers will trace those marks
Everyday
and remember you all over again
Jun 2015 · 480
A notch on your bed post
NicoleRuth Jun 2015
You and I always boasted of being different
Not following stupid teenage mistakes
At least when it came to each other
We knew what we were
And no other opinion mattered

The first time I slept over
We stayed up all night
Watching silly late night flicks
You lay across my lap
So intimate for acquaintances
A new beginning perhaps
We wondered secretly
As you kissed my hand sleepily

The first time we slept in the same bed
An unconscious action of innocent drunks
We laid side by side barely touching only our hands held together
We drifted to our own happy places

The first time we said I love you
Was not at romantic sunset beaches
We declared it matter of factly
To others
As we scorned at the idea of "us"
Pointing sneakily we whispered
"But there's nothing there"

The first time your hands reached into forbidden territory
I was hiding in fear of brutal killings on a 10 inch flat screen
We lay in each others arms
Moving slowly against our heat
Wondering what was going on
For this was not expected
It was never even a possibility

The first time I said I wanted more
Wasn't a session of exchanged emotions
Rather a battle of cruel words
Flung blindly at each other
Intentions not to hurt but only confused at the rapidly changing reality

The first time you said we needed a break
You convinced yourself of your mature decision
But I knew this to be another beginning
Beginning of our end
For we no longer knew what we were
And evil whispers gained importance over unsaid feelings

The first time you walked past me like I didn't exist
I didn't cry or breakdown
From the corners of my eyes I saw you greet others with a smile
But it was a smile I no longer knew
A face I no longer recognised
A body I no longer remembered

I never was one of your famous escapades
I never was a night you'd always remembered
I almost became another one timer
But never a notch on your bed post
After all this time you still hold a few strings to my heart
May 2015 · 7.8k
Betrayal
NicoleRuth May 2015
The righteous and brave die but one death,
but what if they die for those very reasons?

As cowards stand tall in gleaming armour,
holding treacherous ****** knives in their hands.
Based on the betrayal of Ned Stark by LittleFinger
May 2015 · 872
My Love Stories
NicoleRuth May 2015
I knew exactly who my husband was going to be
In 6th grade
Daniel Radcliffe star of harry potter
Heart throb of all tweens
We definitely were destined
He was my first true love
One I prayed for every day

Yet as I grew up
Puberty changed things
Love changed
He was now skinnier
Indian
And got beat up a lot
Love needed my protection against bullies
But could always blow my mind with new music
Love wasn't the smooth talker his brother was
And was too shy to hold my hand
But made a permanent seat for me in his soul
Board exams ended and love left me

Only to surprise me once again
Love was fairer now
More childish than before
Love's hair was shinier than my own
And knew none of my 80s songs
Love taught me to doodle
And found pleasure in small pranks
Love never took anything seriously
And always had time to show off

With another round of board exams
I deserted love this time
The pain of being the other one
Far to great to bear
Far greater to forgive

Soon enough it was time for college
As I walked into class full of nervous excitement
There sat love on the first bench
The newest version
A skeleton of the past
Filled with new words and strokes as cover
Love was more different now
Quieter than before
Preferring the company of nature than those he ****** called his own
Love was sweet and thoughtful
But could never open up his heart
Love knew where this was going
But ran away from it in fear

And so love stayed away
For almost two years
Lust slowly tried to take its place
Stealing bits I only saved for love
But I banished it away
Its dark presence my once insecure heart no longer needed

And finally
Just like that
Love stepped in once again
In an avatar I'd never seen before
I almost didn't recognise love
As it stood before me
Scars and happy memories mixed in his tears of insecurity
Love wasn't strong enough
And always needed my assurance and trust
Love was the smartest man I knew
Whose loved verbal bouts dripped in sarcasm
Yet love managed to save my soul
From the depths of dark evil
Pulling me out ****** into the sunlight where we lay naked
Healing our broken pasts
Love contradicted me in every way
His emotions and affections a conflicting paradox I couldn't untangle
But in the end love, could not handle emotions
Love walked away dumping all his promises into the sea with the remains of our friendship

And I realised
I did not know what love truly was
It came and went in so many different forms
Never the same
Never the boring
It walked in the door arms filled with happiness and possibilities
And walked back out soon enough
Leaving a cold silence behind

Love is a contradiction
Of everything we believe in
Remoulding our perspectives
Like a soft ball of clay
It breaks and rebuilds us
With every fated visit
Destroying and creating newer versions
Of ourselves
Stronger versions of ourselves

Maybe this is what love was destined to be
A teacher for our souls
A soothing balm for our wounds
A definite spark to our courage
And an infinite universe for our imagination
May 2015 · 950
Sifting through shallowness
NicoleRuth May 2015
She sits in the corner
Laptop splayed open
Searching
Searching for reasons to live
Maybe someone to love
A moment to smile for

Going through latest social trends
Sifting among piles of plastic smiles
And bright blue hash tags
Desperately looking for something
Someone genuine
A quote perhaps to believe in
A link on happiness maybe
To follow

All she receives though
Is disappointment
Immersed in a world obsessed
With shallowness
She realizes that all she needs
Everything she searches for
Is right here
Inside her soul it resides
The will, the strength, the love to survive.
May 2015 · 272
Ghost
NicoleRuth May 2015
Our eyes met across the hallway
Yours filled with a polite curiosity
My identity questionable
With a touch of nagging familiarity

I walked away
Merging into the crowds of uniform
Avoiding those moonlike eyes
Having a pull that draws me in

For a stranger
Your face seems old
Like it was carved into my insides
A promise of unforgetability

Who are you?
My mind searches its dark recesses
For answers which long since
Have been brutally wiped away clean

You find me easily
My scarred face hard to miss
Brows furrowed in confusion
You stare at my skin

Fingers reaching out
To touch the untouchable
A word forming on your lips
Evolving into a question

Nicole…?
Fingers clench the pregnant air
My body stepping back in fear
Too close.  Way too close.

I’m cornered now
Your presence now stronger
Studying my face with shock
My trembling cautioning your movements

Tears place themselves
Delicately in the corners of your sight
Emotions running wildly inside your being
As you look into the eyes of a ghost.
May 2015 · 523
A chapter I'd never regret
NicoleRuth May 2015
As predicted we parted ways
The crossroads were inevitable
A destiny our friendship could not escape
Equipped with this knowledge still couldn't prepare me for the break
It broke my heart to admit those unmentionables
We had become different people
wanting different things from life

No longer could we stand beside each other in happiness
Every encounter turned from joy to distaste
We made promises at every turn
Knowing full well
we would never keep them
Time pulled us away from each others love
Erasing slowly our shared past
It was a slow yet silent end
The final seal set in place with
the official end of college frivolity

I don't hate you for this end
We both were equally responsible for it
Yet my regrets seem stronger than your own emotions
For I have loved you for many a day
And this was not what I dreamed of
A future without your bright presence in it

With the end of my college years
I close this chapter of you
Your stay was shorter than I wished it to be
But the experience
was nothing short of beauty
Filled with love, happiness and
a lot of arguments
Not to mention beers
Carlsberg white elephant in Cafe New York shall not be forgotten
I wish you all the happiness in the world
You are a bright light that I hope
is never extinguished

There are soo many people I may never meet, hug, love and kiss
But I am so glad I could do it all with you
Even for the shortest time
Its memories shall not be forgotten
with yesterday's half eaten sandwich
But shall burn brightly in my heart
for all days to come.
May 2015 · 283
Her story
NicoleRuth May 2015
It is considered weak to commit suicide
A terrible waste
The gift of life squandered
Keep on fighting
Never back down
You hear it every message movie and whatever's

But does anybody
I mean anybody even try
To understand the why?
Why would someone want to **** themselves
What could have happened to push them over the edge of sanity?

People don't just go around killing them selves for ***** sake
We're not some warped version of hidan following some killing cult called jashin

There is always a reason

What do I live for?
I have asked myself this question so many times I've lost count
And almost 90 percent of the time
I could find no answer
No reason to keep breathing
To keep living

Yet inside I've been dead
Emotionally dead
Not in a way that I feel nothing
Feeling nothing is a luxury I crave for
The problem is I feel too much
And I feel it killing me literally
Bit by bit

How do you live
When the very people you love treat you like the filth of the street
How can you keep going on
When every time, they break you
With their cruelty
Their words driving knives that keep digging into you flesh
Their bodies attacking you to a point where the slightest touch of flesh fills fear in your heart

What makes it worse is the bi polarity of it
Those rare moments of niceness terrify me more
It confuses me
It makes me believe that its all my fault

My fault that I'm hit
My fault that I'm filth
My fault again that they hit me
They do it because they love me they say
And as imperfect human beings their love is bound to have faults

But is it fair to me?
They have turned me into what I am
And now they hate what I've become
And what can I do?
All I ever asked for was to be loved
To be believed in
I'm not perfect either I've made one too many mistakes

But if you couldn't forgive
If you couldn't love
Then why in the world would you procreate?
Why the hell would you bring a child into this world if you couldn't love her when she grew up

You used her to vent your frustrations
She was blamed as the source of all your worldly problems
You hit her to feel better about yourself
Destroyed her will to strengthen your own
And when she cried
When she was in the corner shivering and fearful
You put a warm hand and comforted her
Told her it was her duty to bear it without complain

You drove her to insanity and back everyday
Used her trust to mock her
About the very things that broke her

And now finally
Two whole decades later
She has become nothing
Just an empty shell of what she used to be
Colourful butterflies don't spring out of papers when she moves crayons across them
Dark moths and evil sinisters arise instead
Drawing her into their dark feeling less hearts

This is her life
This is her story

And then they wonder why a girl from such a good family killed herself
Surely a bad egg was she

Her poor poor parents.
May 2015 · 406
Cycle
NicoleRuth May 2015
It starts off with happiness
The simple kind
When the world seems a beautiful place
Filled with possibilities and dreams

It changes in to sadness
A controlling one
That brings out the dark realities existence holds
Proving the insignificance of individuality

It deepens into depression
Spiralling out of control
******* the life force out of the sun
Plummeting through the nine rings of inferno

It breaks into tears
A helpless act
Mourning for the loss of innocence once cherished
An escort of belief in goodness

It ignites into anger
A deep hatred of all living
Despicableness for the destroyers of possibilities and hope
Infuriated at the selfishness of **** sapiens

It burns out into nothingness
A feeling of floating away in silence
A bearable insight into the reality of the universe
Losing the identity of a soul

This is the cycle of my life
Dramatic and dark as it may be
It is the curse and gift I live with
For feeling my emotions so strong
Apr 2015 · 458
An artist and her muse
NicoleRuth Apr 2015
As long as there are artists
There shall be muses too
Chosen not for their pale purity
Or gold spun locks

Muses are reality
An image of honesty
Riddled with imperfections
And steeped in hardship

Yet what makes them special
Is not their seeming perfection
It is their will to live
A force overcoming hurdles

They suffer, terribly so
Brought to their knees in pain
But never letting go
Always holding on

It is this power
This unimaginable strength they hold
That makes them beautiful
That draws us to them

Forcing us to declare
This valley of emotions they erupt in us
Destroying us into smithereens
And then rebuilding us piece by piece

They drive us into a frenzy
Of words, colours and music
Driving us to infinite madness
And rebirthing us into an imperfect heaven of love

As long as there are artists
There shall be muses too
For they are each others saviour
Neither can survive or create without the other
Just an opinion. I'm not saying this is true for all artists, just for me.
Apr 2015 · 378
Shakespearean love
NicoleRuth Apr 2015
Who was she?
This heavenly lady
A woman of passion and boundless love
In whose steps Shakespeare did stalk

Endless pages filled with inked words
Words of despair
Declarations of passion
Screams of want
Driving himself into a frenzy
As he scribbled each play
Searching
Looking for the right words
Those perfect letters to utter

Which could bring her love to him
All it took for him was one look
But for her
Golden goddess among pathetic humanity
More was needed
Much more was required

So did Shakespeare venture
Deeper into the power of letters
Struggling to pave the path to his goddess's heart

The fates sadly had another story in mind
For young Shakespeare's legacy
He was not to be gifted they believed
His goddess of perfection and over flowing love
Instead he was to be a beacon
Of hope
To all torn lovers who dared to walk this earth

A shining light to guide them
Treat them with belief
That some day
One day
Love would truly prevail.
What was it that inspired Shakespeare to pen down the most beautiful plays and stories of love. Stories that till today inspire us to believe in its power?
Apr 2015 · 543
Kieffer.
NicoleRuth Apr 2015
It started of with curiosity
New accents to acquaint to

It moved on to annoyances
Deliberate proddings to infuriate

It turned into fondness
Awkward humour to laugh to

It grew into likeness
A desire of life unquenchable

It strengthened into friendship
Another pair to add to the greats

It infinitized into soulhood
Arm in arm forever to be a joy

We never did things the conventional way. Experiences is all we asked for. Countless memories we were gifted with. Souls merged in an iron friendship to live endlessly

Past present future, it shall go on.
Apr 2015 · 388
One became two
NicoleRuth Apr 2015
Goodbyes were always his forte
Packing and moving on came naturally

Loving was her gift
Unconditional forevers her belief

A man of the world was he
Logic and reality his travel companions

A beautiful soul was hers
Brightening away the darkness of others

He looked at the world with untrusting eyes
Keeping away the possible Heartbreakers

She saw beauty in the darkest of times
Her world full of possibilities she believed

And one day these opposites collided
With a force that shook them both
And in each other they found perfection
A myth he had long since given up on
A dream she always hoped for

Happiness was to be their everlasting gift
If only they could have held on

But his realities crept in
Bringing to light the fears he ran away from

Insecurities riddled her soul
Constant reminders of loved ones lost

And once again with a burst of flames
They parted ways, one now became two

Their humanity their only weakness
But each other their biggest loss

They stood firm on past decisions
Refusing to dwell in old smiles

*** what had been one was now broken
And no wish could ever fix it back.
Apr 2015 · 369
Stories
NicoleRuth Apr 2015
Imagine a world,
one with everything you know
coming to an end.
All those faces,
both familiars and unknown
perishing.
What would you do
if you knew,
your world was dying?
Who
would you save if you could?
and who?
would you leave,
for deaths heavy jaws to clamp on?
my first attempt at novel writing begins!....lets see how this goes...fingerz crossed
Mar 2015 · 456
In betweens
NicoleRuth Mar 2015
I hate in betweens
Always have
I'd rather know
One way or another
The truth
Suspense is literal torture to my soul

But
For you
Only you
I shall try
To be understanding
To give you that space
To be the better person
To be "mature".

Even though everything
I mean everything that is me
Screams in madness
Fury rippling down my back
Fear settling in my stomach

All of me
If possible
Could shake you silly
Drive home some sense
Hold you tight and refuse
Point blank
To let go.

In hope
A teensy bit of it
That you will come back
To me
Back to these arms that miss your angles
Back to these lips that miss your own
Back to this simple sole body
That feels bone dry
Rattling empty
Without you
To fill her in.

So be done
With these emotions that pull you away
And come back to me
My friend
My love
My life.
Mar 2015 · 13.9k
The GREAT Gatsby
NicoleRuth Mar 2015
I remember the first time I watched the great Gatsby.
Your legs propped on my own,
Sailing in the land of happy dreams
You slept.
While I watched the most heartbreaking movie of the 2014.

You never realised how much that movie meant.
Never conceived how much  
Words and acts could drive a person

It was at that moment
As I watched Gatsby fall
His dreams shattered and his heart ruined
That I was hit with the reality.
Last nights drunken actions were more
Than just movements or simple words.

To me atleast
It all meant more
Deep down inside
Than you could ever have understood.

And though you hardly ever mentioned
The ongoings of that particular night,
It stayed with me.

And as Mr. Carraway spoke
Those last tantalising words of love,
I promised myself.
One day I shall tell you.
One day I shall have the courage Daisy never did.
To admit once and for all,
To the universe that I love you.
Mar 2015 · 549
An unexpected loss
NicoleRuth Mar 2015
Rich or poor
Smart or foolish
Beautiful or not so

Big or small each and every human life is precious.
Important and priceless.
You don't have to have been the most powerful man alive
To have a life that mattered.

The loss is great
Greater still for those who knew him
Who valued his company
Who loved his heart
Who understood his soul.

A life was lost today.
Too young and innocent
To have been snatched away
So cruelly
From the clasp of loved ones.

You needn't have known him
To feel their loss
You needn't have loved him
To feel their pain

A life was lost today.
A boy was taken away.

17/01/2015
Mar 2015 · 358
Goodbye.
NicoleRuth Mar 2015
For people who call each other best friends
We do put up a pretty bad show
Don't we?

Is this how it ends?
All our memories forgotten in the dust
We walk away with no love
No feeling for the other

Did we push it too far?
The boundaries set by society
We broke them with enthusiasm
A spur of the moment thing
And now I guess
The consequences must be faced

Maybe you never had the strength
Your conviction false
Maybe it was all too much
Too many emotions to handle
And you chose
To run away from all of it

Easier I presume
Than dealing with one like me
Yes you did leave me standing
All alone in this rain
And yes it breaks my heart
To say this
But we are done

I can't wait for you
*** it hurts too much
Like my heart being ripped into nothingness
I can't hold on anymore
And be constantly disappointed
So this is goodbye
For how long I do not know
But goodbye nonetheless
Mar 2015 · 378
warrior of life
NicoleRuth Mar 2015
It was always you and me
Us against the mundane cruel reality

We carved ourselves a haven
within the harsh reality of human nature

A bubble that fit just us two
Filled with dreams of a better future

A cave filled with warmth
That became our world of happiness

But that never was enough
You ventured out to seek new possibilities

I was left behind all alone
Still lost in a past that no longer existed

So I too now take my first steps out
Into a different world from the one I knew

The journeys that lie ahead of me
Seem terrifying yet surprisingly intriguing

Giddy with new excitement
I venture forth an experienced warrior of life
Mar 2015 · 451
mixed feelings
NicoleRuth Mar 2015
I’m not important anymore
Not a priority he thinks
Whose feelings are worth noticing

You say it’s difficult
To get back to how we were
You say its hard to be
Just what we used to be

And honestly,
I don’t know
What to say anymore
I don’t really know
How to feel about this

It truly feels like the end
Of everything that mattered
Everything I ever gave a **** about
Lies smoking in the ashes

*

You’re breaking my heart
Into a billion gazillion pieces
Why can’t you see that?

Just for these last few months
Could you not try?
To maybe give a ****?

You’re blow torching it all
Everything that was precious
Even yourself

Burning away the pieces of you
I hold dear

Change is evident
Never to be avoided
Or run away from
But doesn’t truly mean
To break away

From those ones who’ve always cared
The ones who gave a ******* ****
Always about you

Who loved you completely
And unconditionally
For all that you were
And could have been

I guess this is you
It always has been you
Way deep down inside
The core that I pretended didn’t exist.
Feb 2015 · 623
Winelust
NicoleRuth Feb 2015
This is wrong I whisper
And you agree
Yet your hands refuse to move away
Remaining firmly on my sensitive waist
My face a mere inch from yours
Breathing in the same heavy air

We remain still
Connected by our heat
Held in position by those arms
As we gently begin to move
A graceful pace at first
Every movement sending ripples
Scurrying down my back
As I fail to stifle my groans

You gently whisper
That I'm your best friend
''We should stop'' is all I shoot back
And you nod in reluctant agreement
But our movement never ceases
The pace just increases
The rustle of clothes more defined

I pull away in guilt
Our laboured breathing filling in
The silence of unease
''This is wrong''
I mutter again
More to myself than to you
Angered by my own lack of restraint
''So why can't we stop?'' You reply
Piercing me with those eyes
Even in such a pitch black darkness

Your fingernails graze my skin
Ever so softly
And once again we begin
This slow dance of desire
Neither of us able to rein in
These disastrous feelings
Slowly your fingers begin their journey
A new one down south
All I pray is to forget sanity
To defy reality
And just feel
Every movement
Every motion
Every emotion

Yet once again we pull away
With more determination this time
Frustration gracing our bruised lips
Struggling to gather up
The scattered pieces of our conviction
We finally settle down to sleep

Just sleep
We reason
Sharing one flimsy sheet of cotton
Our skin brushing against each other
Ever so softly
As we hope to loose consciousness
Your arms encircling my waist
Possessively so
Your nose nuzzling into my sensitive skin

I turn my face to yours
A good night resting on my lips
You lean in and kiss me
And suddenly I'm on fire
Your hands moving everywhere
Burning trails into my skin
Our heat mashing against each other
Your teeth biting away my resolve
All I can do is pull you in closer
Feel every arc of your body
And give in
To our actions

And when our movements finally cease
Fatigue settling in our bones
You pick me up and hug me tight
Kissing my neck gently
''You're my best friend'' you whisper again
And I smile in tired relief
Falling asleep easily
Encircled in your comfort
With a final whiff of your scent
As I drift off into the darkness alone.
''You are my best friend and that's all that matters to me.''
Feb 2015 · 408
If only
NicoleRuth Feb 2015
Maybe I could be the one
Who fixed you
But only if you let me in

Maybe I could show you beauty
That all life holds
But only if you let me in

Maybe I could help you sleep
More soundly than a child
But only if you let me in

Maybe I could give you every reason
To live, love and laugh
But only if you let me in

So bear down those chains
That guard your heart

Open up the windows
That hide your soul

And for once boy,
Just let me in..
Feb 2015 · 692
Love?
NicoleRuth Feb 2015
Love?
Its a belief for the strong willed
Whose hearts are reinforced with steel
But attached with windows nonetheless
Large ones
To let them in
The ones that truly matter

But for us?
It is not love that awaits
It is not possible ever afters that lie in our destiny


At least
That's what they tell us
The brave ones
The believers

We are not destined for love they say
Too broken to be gifted eternal love
To weak to choose the right one

But maybe
Just maybe they could be mistaken
Just maybe they figured us wrong

Because we do feel love
We drown in it every single day
It may not be the purest kind
But it still is love

We give up everything for it
Our bodies
Our minds
Our souls
Just for that one love

Our love is not perfect
It never was
Always tainted by desire and lust
Filled with passion and dreams
Breaking and fixing us constantly

The believers mock us
Ridiculing our love
If it is not pure it is not real they jeer

But they are mistaken
Terribly so
the truth is we can love
Probably with more strength than they

Maybe that's why they hate us
Maybe that's why they bring us down

We can love
And we will
For the rest of time
Always and forever
this is what i want to say to all those who judge without knowing, who hate without understanding and who hurt without feeling...
Feb 2015 · 243
Meant to stay
NicoleRuth Feb 2015
You were meant to stay
Right here in my arms

You were expected to give
With no holds barred

You were required to listen
To the ramblings of wonder

You were needed to kiss
With all the passion you could muster

You were wanted to hold
That fragile soul away from the wounded

You were begged to forget
All the previous misfortunes afflicted

You were hoped to love
Just like you did all those years ago

But you failed to do so
Fell short on every aspect

And so,
I need not
           Must not
                   Should not
                               Cannot
   Stay in love with you
   Not anymore
Feb 2015 · 484
An idea
NicoleRuth Feb 2015
Sitting beside you in absolute silence
It finally hits me
The answer that evaded me
All these past months

It is not you I love
It is not your touch I crave
It is not your voice I wish to awake to

It was the idea of you
That I fell in love with
An idea so powerful
It stole your being in an attempt
to manifest into reality
Stole your heart to project itself honestly

And foolish little me fell
Fell deep deep in love
Mistaking an idea for you
*** you were the mask behind which idea hid
You were the soul which idea stole
You an innocent victim to Idea's plans

Though the truth of the matter is,
I love you boy
        Wholeheartedly
Your words have the power to make me smile
In the darkest of days
Your hugs have the power to comfort my trembles
Your actions have the power to amuse me in the silliest of ways

But still,
I love idea far more
Feb 2015 · 509
Untitled
NicoleRuth Feb 2015
Is it weird that I know how soft your skin is
As I dream of it brushing softly against mine?

Is it weird that I remember your scent
As I drink it in each time we meet?

Is it weird that I feel your delicate lips
As I dream of them tracing the planes of my body?

Is it weird that I love how you hug me
As I pull back each time, only to be held longer by your arms?

Is it weird that I have all these raging emotions inside me
As I think of you in the oddest of moments?

And most of all
Is it weird that I can say that
Every cell in my body loves you
But in my heart all I want
Is for you to be my best friend
Nothing more?
Feb 2015 · 676
Remember me
NicoleRuth Feb 2015
Many would remember me by the friends I kept
their laughs and snorts always evident
Others would remember me by the friends I lost
their ignorance and awkwardness not so innocent

Many would remember me by my absolute silence in sessions
Others would remember me by those one on ones with my animated expressions

Many would remember me by the scars of suffering I bore
Others would remember me by that awkward smile I always wore

Many would remember me by the quiet calm nature I portrayed
Others would remember me by my sarcasm and the weird humour I displayed

Many would remember me as an artist of mediocrity
Others would remember me as an artist of simple originality

But if I ever had a say
At the end of all things

All I'd ever ask you is to
Remember me pray only as an artist
As one who looked beyond the lectures of boredom
As a person who was lost in the beauty of words
As a girl who fell in love with colours and emotions
Remember me always as a lover
of words and art
But most of all
of life
an answer to the question- 'what do you want to be remembered as?'
Feb 2015 · 1.1k
Imperfect perfections
NicoleRuth Feb 2015
Would you love me if  my skin was beautiful
a perfect porcelain
without scars marring my skin?

Would you love me if i had full lips
the delicate kind
that kissed roses everday?

Would you love me if i had a straight nose
a feminine one
that looked perfect from every angle?

Would you love me if i had doe shaped eyes
an innocent pair
that showed my inner purity?

Would you love me if i had an unbroken heart
like those of newborns
trusting and joyful every passing second?

Would you love me if i had a clean soul
white as the first fall of snow
never to have known of darkness and unimagninable hurts?

Would you love me if i had a muscial laughter
like gentle gurgles of a stream
never a note out of place in its symphony?

Would you love me if i spoke in soft tones
never to utter a curse
with diplomacy ruling my tongue?

Would you love me if i was this check list
of what others considered beauty
seemingly the ideal whose hand a task to win?

If you could love me as this
erase meat once from the chambers of your mind
leave no trace of my presence visible
i would be sure to disappoint your wishes and dreams
you held on high pedestals

For i am riddled with battlescars
and my words would only voice my honest opinions
my body breaking the mould of ideal perfection
my heart a shattered vase taped together
my soul steeped in darkness yet riddled with wells of dreams

If you could love my imperfections
If you could love my soul
then you and i could possibly be together
as imperfection but never alone.
Feb 2015 · 622
Sandstorms
NicoleRuth Feb 2015
Life right now for me is
like a raging sandstorm
every word
every moment
every experience
is billowing past me in a frenzy
nipping cuts on my tender skin
strong reminders of a nearing end
when age old ties start to loosen
when battleworn relations start to crack
everything seems to pale
to the dark void looming in so near
Feb 2015 · 908
Sometimes I wonder
NicoleRuth Feb 2015
Sometimes I wonder
if I really mattered to you
Sometimes I wonder
if you even cared
Or was I just a pretty flower
brought to make you smile
One you never took care of
walking away from me as I cried
Feb 2015 · 486
You were mine
NicoleRuth Feb 2015
You were my ray of sunshine,
brightening my hectic days.

You were my pillar of stone,
a protector from the rising storm.

You were my ocean of comfort,
enveloping me in your unending love.

You were my tornado of madness,
******* up my dramatic moments.

You were mine
and baby that's all I cared about.
Feb 2015 · 605
Things i miss about you
NicoleRuth Feb 2015
I miss all those days we spent together
i miss the way we spent all night watching old movies i never heard of
i miss the next mornings when i had to poke you awake
i miss the way you snored completely ignoring me
i miss the days we spent drinking beers at our new york
i miss ignoring your incessant ramblings about everything
i miss the way you always annoyed me till i blew up
i miss the way i childishly cussed at you while you laughed on
i miss the way you gently wiped my tears and listen to my problems
i miss our plans for surviving possible zombie apocalypses
i miss your chivalrous gentleman self glaring at pervs on the street
i miss the terribly offensive jokes you cracked that never were that funny
i miss the way those same jokes somehow crept in and made me smile
i miss the way you turned me from an old monk to a beer lover
i miss the plots we created to destroy our tormentors
i miss how you always knew more than i did but never considered me stupid
i miss how you always try to take in my criticism but refused to accept it
i miss how you believed in my artwork and never let me forget it
i miss how you talked like an absolute child about your latest femme escapades
i miss how you always pretended that you don't care but remembered every small detail i mentioned
i miss the way you accepted all of me without a spot of hesitation
i miss looking into those intense eyes of yours in wonder at the boy you were
i miss creeping you out by getting extremely close and laughing at your expressions
i miss sleeping uncomfortably beside you as you roll around in rem sleep
i miss you tucking me in when the pressures of the world were too much for me to dream
i miss dreaming about our futures making wild plans about brands we wish to own
i miss getting completely hammered with you and being so publicly weird
i miss your complete honesty no matter how much it hurt
i miss softly kissing your forehead as i put you to bed after our drunken adventure
i miss everything you used to be
but most of all
i miss the way you hugged me
holding on tighter when i tried to pull back
subtly sealing your promise to always be around
i miss you boy
more than you can ever know.
these memories forever shall live on..making me smile in the darkest of times...for you boy, are my ray of sunshine.
Jan 2015 · 464
Always
NicoleRuth Jan 2015
We are nearing the cross roads
the end had never been so close
We both feel it in our souls
as the winds of time propel us.

An uncertain future
filled with beautiful and dark mysteries
await us patiently.

At the cross road
not too far from now
I won't shed waterfalls
at the painful break.

Walking our separate paths
holding on to a piece of each other.

Memories of our past stay
latched around our hearts.

For I love you forever
And,
Always will I remember.
some friendships are never meant to last. but that doesn't mean you stop loving them. they shall always remain. always.
Jan 2015 · 1.4k
My Reality
NicoleRuth Jan 2015
Logic dictates his soul
love has always ruled mine..
I had to end it before it even began
Jan 2015 · 317
Days like this
NicoleRuth Jan 2015
There will be times
when love art and reality coexist
beauty reigning each passing moment

there will be times
when both left and right can be
fused together in absolute perfection

there will be times
when insecurities vanish seamlessly
giving birth to new hope

but

there will also be times
of miserable uselessness
clawing away the present

times
of mundane boredom spreading
bringing about despising of every action

times
when ripping reality into shreds
is as worthless as always
every moment experienced

In the end is just an illusion
of mind, soul and body
Jan 2015 · 1.4k
Irrelevance
NicoleRuth Jan 2015
Sitting beside each other
singing tales of our misfortune
wondering what life's chef
would cook up
a new disaster to be
served piping hot
with a side of irrelevance
that only one
who has eaten knows
its bitter taste
Jan 2015 · 1.6k
Battle scars
NicoleRuth Jan 2015
I walk the streets proudly
my head held high
These marks that startle people
are my battle scars
Fighting the existent ideas
of false beauty
All the teen years of my life.
Jan 2015 · 383
You set me free.
NicoleRuth Jan 2015
You were always the young boy,

holding fistfuls of dreams,

that bled your innocent hands,

abandoned by those you trusted.

You were always the cool dude,

with ideals far superior.

Desired by many a vain person,

but never for the real you.

You were always Mr. Excuse guy,

whose tales of drama spun wildly

entangling the world around,

Yet not one who sat and just believed.

You were all this and more,

in every step of this life.

Commanding attention everywhere,

but receiving not which you bled for.

But to simple ol me,

you were, are and will be

A wonder;

by thought, word and deed.

You will always be

just to me,

the one boy

who set me free.
Nov 2014 · 3.0k
One Touch
NicoleRuth Nov 2014
Through the darkest of turbulent times
A simple touch can spark a flame

A flame of hope
that grows into
a fire of unyielding will

A fire that burns eternally
turning to ash
the dangers that stand
in my way

A simple touch of skin
a brush of care
ignites an infinite
of passions
to destroy the might
the stranglehold
of the surrounding
darkness

One touch
that's all I need

A simple touch
A delicate brush
Nov 2014 · 397
Nightly rituals
NicoleRuth Nov 2014
You lay down your head on my knees as was our ritual
my arms a pillow of comfort around you neck
in the dim light of the screen we sit
moving pictures showing the inner turmoil of our hearts
i brush your hair back softly
unconscious of this display of affection
the drink of the age old monks long since taken over
the controls of my body
in silence we comfortably relax
each sailing in the dreams of alcohol
all to aware of the person beside
your hand gently takes hold of mine
your lips brushing against my fingertips
a rare display of what you always try to hide
my body gently shivers at the delicate softness of those lips
that whisper airs of dreams on my bronze tender skin
i cant help but look down at your face
hiding my desires under a veil of short hair
praying to the gods for a control i no longer possess
and as you choose the most inappropriate moment
to open those lips to display a facet of your wealthy knowledge
my lips rush forward to silence them
beseeching you to retaliate in anyway you can
all i want is an action an emotion a declaration
i feel myself giving up as i move softly against your silent lips
that haven't moved since my admittance
i pull away in shame knowing that once again I've lost
another battle defeated in
another conquest unconquered
but suddenly as quick as lightening your lips move
this time to crush themselves forcefully against mine
knocking out all the breath inside my lungs
your heat transfers to my skin and all i feel is fire
surrounding our bodies
pushing us to melt into each other
your strong fingers hold my small face lovingly
as did Michelangelo the face of David
moving with the same passion as he
but your goals far less noble
your hands twist themselves in my hair firmly
as the roots do to the ground
holding me in place
not letting the possibility of me escaping slip in
every movement every touch every kiss
releases those carnal moans inside me
that longed to sing to your tune
we fall into each other
tossing away the barriers that still try to keep us apart
we rip tear and shred away our modesty
feeling skin upon skin
burning our desires deeply into each other
scarring ourselves in our passion
i can feel every drop of hate love fear
and insecurity you feel course through me
clinging to you for support
as you ravish and eat away my inhibitions
every strangled sound escaping my throat
only to further motivate you
tears of happy sadness erupt endlessly as i
feel you peel away darkness
to let the light within shine
blinding the both of us in surprise
i return each move with equal ferocity
selfishly locking away your beauty as my prisoner
marking you to be mine forever
we chain ourselves to each other
securing the locks so to never break away
and when i finally look again into those deep pools of darkness
i see a reflection of promise and hope within
sealing our fate for eternity.
Nov 2014 · 583
KLN
NicoleRuth Nov 2014
KLN
We are just a blur
of emotions, feelings and art.
We don't walk but float
from place to place.
Drifting in our own little bubble of
memories and stories.
this is just a  little something I wrote about the two most amazing and talented friends I've met in college
Oct 2014 · 1.1k
In Hope I believe
NicoleRuth Oct 2014
Chaos is the weather of the day
raging its fury and madness on all beings

Every drop of sanity left is far more precious
than the diamonds we craved
reducing mountains to rumble in our greed

Standing by a hidden window
I witness the drops of sanity
slowly being swallowed by chaos' infinite army

Fear runs freely through my veins
gathering followers in each cell it passes

My trembling fingers can barely hold onto the curtains
that hide me from chaos' dark forces

Its too cold to even try to sweat out
all the confusion and fear that runs freely inside me

My feet once planted firmly on the ground
now slowly turn to liquid
melting my resolve to keep fighting

Just 20 feet up a dark forgotten building we hide.
The last few drops of sanity left
in a ferocious universe of death and decay
Our number is slowly dwindling too

I feel my mind losing its control
over any stray hope or might left within to survive

But then,
Hope quietly walks in
wrapping his arms like thick steel bands of resolve
strengthening my feet
and burning away the fear with its warmth

Hope pulls me towards his warm beating chest
chasing away the icy breath of fear
that took hold of my weak body

Hope slowly walks us back
to the lone camp bed
whispering words which fall
like soothing waterfalls
drowning my soul

Hope looks me in the eye
shooting all his strength into me
inflating my body with his resolve

Hope sits beside me through the
shrieks and cries of sanity being wiped out
protecting me from sanity's doomed fate

Like a warm ray of sunlight
Hope stands tall
keeping the final dregs of sanity aflame
giving just the warmth and strength needed to survive

Day by day I watch with rapt curiosity as
Hope plans our final escape
to paradise or hell all depends
on luck

But with Hope by my side
I need not company of chance and luck
who are strangers to my being

In you I believe
In you rests all my faith
and should we all be turned in tomorrow's rising sun
I shall be glad to have been wiped away
with Hope by my side.
This came to me after my friend and I sat one day discussing what if a zombie apocalypse was on us. we sat and actually planned our plan of escape and who we'd want to take along with us.
We've been obsessed with zombies ever since.
Sep 2014 · 522
Whiskey illusions
NicoleRuth Sep 2014
You sit there with your scotch

reminiscing in the beauty of

the past

Your gaze slightly unfocused,

skin glowing softly in the pale

light of the screen.

I sneak a peak at you before

gulping down my own drink

its iciness chilling me right

down to my toes

Goosepimples erupt haphazardly

on my skin, a warm sensation

rushing up the planes of my

body.

I feel the full force hit my brain

in seconds

throwing my vision off balance

for a few seconds.

I close my eyes and can feel

my heart beat trying

to break the bonds of my ribs.

With a hasty deep breath I

open my eyes once again

admire the beauty of

your face.

One I believe to have been

sculpted lovingly

by Zeus himself.

Your fingers brush against

my skin to gain my

attention.

Their touch ever so slightly,

igniting my own with an

unending thirst.

a thirst only your submission

can quench.

I can see your soft lips move,

words rolling off so gracefully

but I cannot hear them.

I'm lost once again, in the

lines of your face.

You look my way in confusion,

wondering the cause of my

abrupt silence.

A silence I usually filled with

my cheery thoughtless words

that amused you ever so.

Your eyes meet mine and

once again I'm lost.

Drowning in the pools of

those pupils that reflect

the deep sadness of oceans.

My brain stops functioning

going pitch black like the night.

Words weigh a ton

struggling to leave the safety of my lips.

I slowly get up, wobbling

in the daze of alcohol.

My eyes glued to yours,

strung together in an

invisible connection

I cannot decipher.

My hand reaches out for yours

trembling in anticipation and

fear of the unknown path I've

set forth on.

Your hand finds mine in that

pale light and holds it firm,

reassuring my movements.

Your eyes still fixed on mine.

I move too quickly in my

excitement

tripping on your carelessly

thrown t-shirt.

Immediately your other hand

shoots out

grabbing my waist painfully

in an attempt to steady

me.

Yet I fall nonetheless

straight onto your lap, the

plastic chair creaking in protest

at the added weight.

And then once again there is

silence.

A silence

soon broken by the

sleepy mumblings of a

passed out friend which

falls on deaf

ears.

Your arms snake themselves

around my insufficient waist

holding me close.

Your cheek resting against my

long neck with a sigh.

No words spoken,

None are needed.

My own arms sneak slowly like

caterpillars crawling up your

back and resting themselves

around your neck

With your hair brushing

against them softly

with the sway of the wind.

This all feels new but

comfortable all the same.

We sit like this for what

seems to be hours

just holding each other.

Our hearts beating against

eachothers chest.

Competing with the speed of

the other.

And soon too soon,

its time

for us to pull away.

Reality slips in without us

realizing its presence until  

its too late.

I try to keep it at bay

failing miserably in

doing so.

I can feel myself being

pulled away from you

but I hold onto you,

like a babe to his

mother in fear.

You are my life boat.

The only buoy of hope that

floats across my ocean of

misery.

I can feel the claws of doom

dig into my flesh.

Ripping me away, ruthlessly

from the saviour of my soul.

The pain keeps on growing

until I can feel it in my

very veins.

Burning my flesh away

in an infinitious fire of

sadness.

There's nothing more I can

do now.

Once again I've been trapped

by Hell's very own furnaces

of hopelessness

that burn to cinder even

a microscopic shred of hope

that could cool off a cell of misery

I live with

each day....
Sep 2014 · 433
Every time
NicoleRuth Sep 2014
Every time I see you
There's this feeling of giddiness
rising slowly inside my lungs.

Every time I touch your skin
There's this softness like cream
that inflames my fingertips.

Every time I hug you
There's this safety from my world
your body exudes.

Every time I look into your eyes
There's this feeling of confidence
that boosts my will to wake up
                              each morning.

Every time I hold your hand
There's this child-like joy
brought about that keeps a skip
                                 in my step.

Every time I sleep beside you
There's this mix of fear and security
that electrifies my nerves into a frenzy
                                   keeping me awake.

Every time I bring your lips to mine
There's this gentleness of your care
and this fieriness of your hate I feel
                                       flood my brain.

Every time,
                   You ******* away
into a million smithereens of dust.

Every time,
                   You glue back each particle
to fix me, uncovering a new facet of my obsession.

                       Every time there is death
                       Every time there is rebirth
                              of emotions
                              of feelings
                              of pain
                              of happiness.


                       We break it all down
                        and build it up again
                              Every time
                              Every time.
This is basically a mix of all the emotions I've felt and in some cases still feel in different relationships with different people in my life.
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