I follow you blindly
like the dry leaves
floating with the wind
to places of beauty or death
I do not know.

If I die tonight, there is so much to be said that will be left unsaid.

The memories your only company of me.

Time and nature making me one with dirt.

Out of all the people whom I thought I loved or said I did, one has remained the closest to my heart always.

19 years seems far too little a time to have made an impact on the world.

But I hope I may have made a difference in the lives of the few I knew and cherished.

I ask those whom I have hurt to forgive my misdoings.

For no one, not even I could understand the emotional conflicts of this young teenage heart.

I thank the friends who have stayed by my side through the sands of time.

Through every test, every crush and every fight.

For their unfathomable faith in me and their love gave me the strength I needed.

I also thank those who did not stay for long.

Your presence even for the shortest minute in my whirlwind drama of a life was a gift.

You certainly made a difference no matter how short your stay.

The memories of you have stayed with me even though your physical presence could not.

My parents, whom I have blamed, cursed and hated for countless reasons on occasions, I am glad you gave birth to me.

Them adopting me into their family of love, eccentricity and laughter is a gift I can never stop thanking for.

I don't blame them for their faults after all; we humans are all flawed to the core of our souls.

This was not the way I had planned on leaving.

The hopes and dreams and ideas of my young self now lay in the dust beside my cold body.

Nothing but shattered thoughts of what could have been.

The journey ahead is unknown and terrifying to me.

To walk into the tunnel alone is definitely not what I wished for.

To leave those precious without another word or kiss pains me.

I float away into an adventure or oblivion I know not.

Yet I float away all the same.

Sitting on that wall I look around me.

Memories of the past jostle each other vying for my attention.

Each one taking me back to a different time.

The dark sky above looks pretty much the same as it did all those years ago.

Yet the changes life has taken are too large to go unnoticed.

Its surprising how people who once meant the world now lay in the dust forgotten.

Blowing away with the wind to places we no longer want to follow.

They leave behind just memories.

Something so simple but still have a power over our hearts.

Taking control at moments, forcing us to remember what we hoped to forget.

No eraser can wipe them away, no whitener block them out.

Their vice like grip on our heart stays on for all eternity.

You fluttered your tiny self through

my garden window,

chirping your singsong tune merrily.

Each morning you sat by that

same window,

your sweet tunes my first music of the day.

All day long I waited for the next

morning,

just to hear your sweet notes.

Yet one day i awoke to silence.

Rushing to the window it was cold,

without your cheery self to brighten it.

The same way you brightened my

each day.

No more music was to be heard,

as the morning wizzed by.

You had flown away,

to a place unknown.

A place I could not follow.

So I sit by that same widow

each day,

to sing the notes you sang.

'*** it didn't matter that you left,

what mattered was that  you stayed.

even if just for the shortest period of time.

And it is that I remember and sing of

each day.

His lips moved fiercely against mine

hands exploring the planes of my body

tickling me as his nails grazed lightly on my stomach

I pull back gasping lungfuls of air

moving my hair to clear my vision

I look into his eyes

Searching..

for what I still don't know

whatever it was, never revealed itself to me

I sat there disappointed

my clothed dignity in tatters around me

my nakedness bare for carnivores to devoure

Buried deep in my mind a small voice pipes up

'this is wrong' it says

reminding me of the despicableness of my act

Closing my eyes I try to shut off the **** voice

yet it grows louder each second

this was not what I needed... It was not what I wanted

Darkness slowly invades my body,

Ridding me of all emotion;

Blinding and deafening me,

It’s being as vast as an ocean.

Screaming for mercy,

But my pleas suffocated;

The darkness becomes a part of me,

Its power I overestimated.

Panic finally sets in,

With nothing visible in sight;

All I pray for is redemption,

From darkness’ unending might.

I float away gracefully,

Dark waters welcoming my soul;

The flame within now purged,

In a darkness as black as kohl.