you brought me into the darkness and after you left i was too scared to leave.

as I write this I lay in bed on a Friday night. i just saw my friends were at a party.
well friends from a distance.
and then I saw my friend hanging out with my other friend behind my back.
but this is not what saddens me.
what makes me sad is the fact that that could have been me.
but I search deep in myself trying to find a passcode or a key.
to unlock the "normal" part of me.
normal as in when will I talk to only two people and then go home and talk to no one.
hold on I almost let a tear out of my eye.
why is it that me, makayla, sits in her bed this Friday night alone, saddened, broken.
when did I become broken. have I always been?
i beg the question, who fault was this. because if it mine I can accept that, but I must place blame.
if i don't I will just wallow, keep my tears behind the cages of my eyelids, or die.

today, i looked outside the window
HA
did you think i’d go outside
and destroy that beautiful scene
my feet would have left a mess,
my breathe would’ve moved the seeds
no
everything needs to stay in place
like that painting um,
something with lillies?

i drink coffee
before bed
because i want to dream of running a marathon
far far far far away from you.

i haven't cried yet.
even though you told me you didn't love me at 3 o'clock
and then blocked me on instagram at 4
hung out with her at...was it 6?
such a timeline of events
i haven't cried yet
im not sure that I will.

y’all over here talking ‘bout love and ****.
like it lasts forever or whatever
but forever has gotta end.
your kinda love ain’t real
not real like my love
that dreaming about you at night kinda love.
that thinking about how he smiled at you kinda love.
yeah
your kinda love ain’t real.

it’s okay to cry.
but don’t let the tears stay so long they burn.

i saw the way you rolled your eyes at her and they landed on me.
did you think I didn’t see?
i saw how you waltzed over to me.
stay away from me.
please.

dang.
these teenage boys, don’t got no love for me.
they know how to hit the right places, smile at the right faces,
and be at the right place in my heart.
these teenage boys aren’t there for me.

i’d loved him so hard
i’d forgotten how to hate what he does to me.

nuh nuh no one listens
they tend to ignore
can I ask you a-
(shut up makayla
no one cares)
im beginning to become afraid.
that if no one listens to me.
then I’d have to listen to myself.
help me please.

today, i smiled in the first time since November.
my smile feel to the ground with the leaves.
froze to the ground with the snow
and rose again with the brighter sun.

when i saw that you moved on
i
washed my hair, and brushes my teeth
and pretended there weren’t tears in the mirror.

i find that the magical thing about humans is how strong willed we are.
if he wants you he will find you
if he needs you he already has you.

oh man....
sometime i don't like him.
man, i mean
he's not too nice too me.
i like **** more
she gets my point across.
and she's  got no reason to hurt me.

oh buddy!
life is rough...
times are tuff!
it all will get better soon?

s
p
i
l
t
my feelings to you.
and you wiped them away with a bounty paper towel.

nothing makes me happy any more
and i have seemed to lack the motivation to work towards that happiness.

i cried today
then i told myself to **** it up
and sing jingle bell rock
its not even christmas

everyone has once loved a dandelion
unknowing that it’s a ****.

lORD.
this tooth ache
maybe if I pain myself more then the
acHEE, will stopping aching
press on it makayla
NO STUPID. don’t press on it
hurt hurt hurt
painnnn
tired of this pain like a tree being growing under my tooth
the roots spreading across my gum
giving me this ACHE.

growing up taught me that to know what love is, I had to first love myself. i can never tell someone I love them if I didn’t know what love felt like.

today i chose not to tie my shoes the way you like them
or straighten up my back the way you make me
because today
my day
is not gonna be the way you like it.

my stomach kinda hurts
feels like a coffee can incapsulates it
i can shake it up, pour it out, drink it up
but then i crash and burn
this only really happens, when I think of your face.
listen to your voice
watch you smile.
stop making my stomach hurt.

you cut a hole in my chest
   and I tore my heart out and gave it to you

your words hurt.
the way they CReep down my stomach
waltzzz in my intesTINES
swing across my kindeys.
turning it inside out.
makes me wanna crEEP up to you
wwwaltz around your body
and SWING at your face.

maybe I lost my touch
can no longer
manipulate
subjugate
you.
i know that sounds
mighty cruel
but when given a rose
with those dark painful thorns
wouldn't you want to take them off to.
strip them with your words
and make them beautiful.

haven't wrote a poem in a while.
it's because a few
night ago... I cried so
hard
my throat sung those old
slave songs cause lately
I guess i've been a slave to perfection,
a slave to the image, unable
to smile if not requested, unable to escape.
tried to listen to those revolutionaries on twitter
like fredrick douglas and such.
only made me fear the freedom
that might not ever be.

haaaay you???
you must got me some kind confused?
caused
i mean
did you think i was ever gonna love you,
trust YOU.
better gon'on find another little TRICK
to play cause i ain't no trick.
by gollie you better find you 'nother one.

the woman
SOsO beautiful
so strong, she's made of titanium steel
unbreakable and unchangeable
the woman
skin so soft
like the touch of the rose petals she cultivates
intertwined in her hair
gosh, nothing can beat THE WOMAN.

im sitting here
wiitttthhh
my friend corine and she just said?
i spelt her name wrong....?
sorry corrinnee
no corrinne

my ankle doesn't seem to hurt anymore
i think it's because I stopped running after you
but i haven't tried it out yet
maybe I shouldn't? just in case it might still hurt.
i won't

i remember when you told me i was special
was it because of the way my cheeks rolled over my eyes when I smiled?
or was it because of how I fawned over the big white tigers we saw at the zoo?
because when I wonder why you told me this, it seems unclear
cause I guess you're special to me too

today i walked down the street
and
then i fell
and rolled, rolled, rolled, stop
down the hill.
then there i sat wondering where i was
and guess what
i had found myself with you again.

i walked away from you when you told me i would be nothing.
you know why?
because today i was something.
and there is no way posssible
that someday i will be nothing
when TODAY i was something

that-that pain
uhuh it's in my head i guess?
like my eyebrows are being pulled over my eyes
oh lord it HUrts
okay makayla breathe you will be fine.
no NO NO
i will not be fine when i have this
headache
aching and paining
ugh
this headache

I left when you stomped, sat, and spit on my heart.
But cried for you to come back because i had forgotten what you did.

honestly it feels like to me kids nowadays are being killed by words, perceptions, appearances, by a war being fought in the streets based on these things. we've pitted ourselves against each other because of these intangible yet malleable things and it's hard for me not to wonder when these feelings began. was it in our ancestors during the ice age, fighting for survival. survival. wow. survival
          - r.i.p to all the brothers who have lost their life because of modern day mankind's perception of- survival

the looming mystery of evergreen flowers
continuously beautiful
almost as if they cease nothing less than
perfection
perfection, a word unknown to many
hated by most
all are jealous
of those evergreen flowers
why so happy
complete
so normal
oh how i envy
those evergreen flowers