everyone has once loved a dandelion
unknowing that it’s a ****.

the woman
SOsO beautiful
so strong, she's made of titanium steel
unbreakable and unchangeable
the woman
skin so soft
like the touch of the rose petals she cultivates
intertwined in her hair
gosh, nothing can beat THE WOMAN.

10 pm
i saw this ******* tiktok she was so pretty
12:33 am
why does everyone my age look so much better than me
2:45 am
wow i look nothing like these girls
3 am
i'm going to starve myself and maybe i'll look right
4:56 am
positive affirmations. i am beaut-no. i can't compete
8 am
i can do better
10 pm
i saw this ******* tiktok she was so pretty

the looming mystery of evergreen flowers
continuously beautiful
almost as if they cease nothing less than
perfection
perfection, a word unknown to many
hated by most
all are jealous
of those evergreen flowers
why so happy
complete
so normal
oh how i envy
those evergreen flowers

honestly it feels like to me kids nowadays are being killed by words, perceptions, appearances, by a war being fought in the streets based on these things. we've pitted ourselves against each other because of these intangible yet malleable things and it's hard for me not to wonder when these feelings began. was it in our ancestors during the ice age, fighting for survival. survival. wow. survival
          - r.i.p to all the brothers who have lost their life because of modern day mankind's perception of- survival

i cried today
then i told myself to **** it up
and sing jingle bell rock
its not even christmas

you undress my mind with your eyes
see behind the walls surrounding my thoughts
and caress my worries and pain

nothing makes me happy any more
and i have seemed to lack the motivation to work towards that happiness.

you beat me so bad
i forgot if it was okay or not

haaaay you???
you must got me some kind confused?
caused
i mean
did you think i was ever gonna love you,
trust YOU.
better gon'on find another little TRICK
to play cause i ain't no trick.
by gollie you better find you 'nother one.

my stomach kinda hurts
feels like a coffee can incapsulates it
i can shake it up, pour it out, drink it up
but then i crash and burn
this only really happens, when I think of your face.
listen to your voice
watch you smile.
stop making my stomach hurt.

i walked away from you when you told me i would be nothing.
you know why?
because today i was something.
and there is no way posssible
that someday i will be nothing
when TODAY i was something

i always knew i was alone
but never knew that i was abandoned in my own heart

u hurted my heart
gave me little boo boos
in disguise for kisses
had me beggin for mama
u hurted my heart
and I pretended like it was fine

lORD.
this tooth ache
maybe if I pain myself more then the
acHEE, will stopping aching
press on it makayla
NO STUPID. don’t press on it
hurt hurt hurt
painnnn
tired of this pain like a tree being growing under my tooth
the roots spreading across my gum
giving me this ACHE.

y’all over here talking ‘bout love and ****.
like it lasts forever or whatever
but forever has gotta end.
your kinda love ain’t real
not real like my love
that dreaming about you at night kinda love.
that thinking about how he smiled at you kinda love.
yeah
your kinda love ain’t real.

that-that pain
uhuh it's in my head i guess?
like my eyebrows are being pulled over my eyes
oh lord it HUrts
okay makayla breathe you will be fine.
no NO NO
i will not be fine when i have this
headache
aching and paining
ugh
this headache

ga ga gimme
that anastasia(?)
anaAAA
(oh!) anesthesia
maybe it would numb the
(numb what)
the pain
(what pain ur unscathed)
left on my mind by YOU

my back aches
to the sound
of
footsteps
climbing up our stairs.
i,
alert,
run to hide all contraband
for fear of losing everything.
swallow loose pills
you remember you told me you hate me?
oh ****
its just my sister

growing up taught me that to know what love is, I had to first love myself. i can never tell someone I love them if I didn’t know what love felt like.

i let him kiss my boo boos

been so conditioned to the
abuse that I set my mental timer to cry
b4 we must wipe away
my tears & fears
30 seconds

i can't **** myself yet
because I refuse to die a ******
a ****** it is

s
p
i
l
t
my feelings to you.
and you wiped them away with a bounty paper towel.

I left when you stomped, sat, and spit on my heart.
But cried for you to come back because i had forgotten what you did.

you brought me into the darkness and after you left i was too scared to leave.

my heart hurt
and i pressed on it
and on it i pressed
to see if it would numb the pain
but instead it left a bruise
the bruise it left

i find that the magical thing about humans is how strong willed we are.
if he wants you he will find you
if he needs you he already has you.

all my joy has
been thieved from me
stolen
tooketh
i have sat and compared and
looked up and down
examining beautiful girls
im supposed to look like them
but no
my joy has been thieved from me

today, i smiled in the first time since November.
my smile feel to the ground with the leaves.
froze to the ground with the snow
and rose again with the brighter sun.

your words hurt.
the way they CReep down my stomach
waltzzz in my intesTINES
swing across my kindeys.
turning it inside out.
makes me wanna crEEP up to you
wwwaltz around your body
and SWING at your face.

oh man....
sometime i don't like him.
man, i mean
he's not too nice too me.
i like **** more
she gets my point across.
and she's  got no reason to hurt me.

maybe I lost my touch
can no longer
manipulate
subjugate
you.
i know that sounds
mighty cruel
but when given a rose
with those dark painful thorns
wouldn't you want to take them off to.
strip them with your words
and make them beautiful.

i figured out that no one else is going to tell me i'm beautiful so i had to learn how to tell myself

i think about if he thinks about us

haven't wrote a poem in a while.
it's because a few
night ago... I cried so
hard
my throat sung those old
slave songs cause lately
I guess i've been a slave to perfection,
a slave to the image, unable
to smile if not requested, unable to escape.
tried to listen to those revolutionaries on twitter
like fredrick douglas and such.
only made me fear the freedom
that might not ever be.

my ankle doesn't seem to hurt anymore
i think it's because I stopped running after you
but i haven't tried it out yet
maybe I shouldn't? just in case it might still hurt.
i won't

i drink coffee
before bed
because i want to dream of running a marathon
far far far far away from you.

note to self
do not let him too deep in your heart
because he will steal your grandmas china
and runoff with the key.

dang.
these teenage boys, don’t got no love for me.
they know how to hit the right places, smile at the right faces,
and be at the right place in my heart.
these teenage boys aren’t there for me.

after that night
after you left
at 11:52 am
i cried
for two hours
not because it was bad
but because
i was scared
so so so scared
cause you had hurted me
gutted my innocence even though
I’d let you.
i thought I was ready
(as baked spaghetti)
i wasn’t.
i guess it’s my fault though.
(idk how it’s just always my fault)
and when i had to let you go
cause you were heer her hurting me
i cried till 11:52 am.
im sorry

i remember when you told me i was special
was it because of the way my cheeks rolled over my eyes when I smiled?
or was it because of how I fawned over the big white tigers we saw at the zoo?
because when I wonder why you told me this, it seems unclear
cause I guess you're special to me too

it was not until
i had that bottle in my hand
did i realize that i had subjected myself to a life without God
i did not realize the emptiness this life contained
or the pain left to fester
until i looked at my self in the mirror and nowhere could i see the Jesus in me.
i knew then that my choice to live with God
left open wounds and empty hearts in me
because i knew that His presence presents
in love and joy in me
and without Him i am nothing.

it’s okay to cry.
but don’t let the tears stay so long they burn.

it's hard to open the door when i don't know if there's tigers lions and bears awaiting my arrival

you cut a hole in my chest
   and I tore my heart out and gave it to you

nuh nuh no one listens
they tend to ignore
can I ask you a-
(shut up makayla
no one cares)
im beginning to become afraid.
that if no one listens to me.
then I’d have to listen to myself.
help me please.

as I write this I lay in bed on a Friday night. i just saw my friends were at a party.
well friends from a distance.
and then I saw my friend hanging out with my other friend behind my back.
but this is not what saddens me.
what makes me sad is the fact that that could have been me.
but I search deep in myself trying to find a passcode or a key.
to unlock the "normal" part of me.
normal as in when will I talk to only two people and then go home and talk to no one.
hold on I almost let a tear out of my eye.
why is it that me, makayla, sits in her bed this Friday night alone, saddened, broken.
when did I become broken. have I always been?
i beg the question, who fault was this. because if it mine I can accept that, but I must place blame.
if i don't I will just wallow, keep my tears behind the cages of my eyelids, or die.

today, i looked outside the window
HA
did you think i’d go outside
and destroy that beautiful scene
my feet would have left a mess,
my breathe would’ve moved the seeds
no
everything needs to stay in place
like that painting um,
something with lillies?

i laugh when people tell me to
follow my heart
cause my heart is in my chest
so it really just follows me