Why did we meet,
If we can’t be together?
Life is splashing its power in our faces,
Like cold water,
On a freezing winter’s day.
And as each piece of my hair freezes,
I slowly become brittle and empty.
It’s like you’re waiting at home with a warm towel,
But home is thousands of miles away,
And I’m scared that the journey to bring me to you,
Will be too hard for my heart to handle.
I’m scared of giving up.
I’m scared of letting go.
For all I keep dreaming of is thawing in your arms,
And feeling the warmth that only you can give me.
I guess I’ll just keep hoping,
That I never wake up.

It was summer,
I was eighteen.
The lake was new to me,
Everything was new to me.

Excitement dressed my face in soft pink and sweat,
I jumped in with my eyes closed,
Held my knees tight,
The water hit my toes,
It was cold,
A cold I hadn’t felt before
And not until I was met
With a warm towel
Did I feel safe.

My lips were blue and
My knees shook,
I sat in a ball on the dock,
Looked to the moon
And the stars seemed to cradle my thoughts,
I was safe.

I know one day,
The urge to jump will set in,
But for the amount of time it took
For the pink in my cheeks to resurface,
I think for now,
I will sit with my towel,
Thoughts in the stars,
Waving to each passenger swimming by,
Wishing them well.

She was a part of her.
It was more than just blood.
Although when hers flowed slowly, as did hers.
The moon shone from her eyes and reflected into everyone she met.
They lit up entire rooms, entire buildings, entire cities when she arrived.
Something changed about everyone she left behind.
They didn't know what she had done to them,
but they would one day find out.
For her hair was as soft as a new wool sweater, fresh from it's very first wash,
and her skin as soft as a baby's.
She had the innocence of a child, but the weight behind her wisdom of a woman taking her last breath.
Even her smallest motions filled the air with warmth.
Her wave hugged you even if she was standing a mile away.
You could find her on a cloudy day sitting under a tree,
doing nothing but everything all at once.
What went on in that brain of hers, no one would understand.
Thousands and thousands of atoms dancing around, to the happiest pop song and saddest love ballad, all at the same time, never taking a rest.
To the outside world, her smile was so magical it could cure all of the ailments that plagued it, in just one grin.
She never stayed in one place for too long to be able to do so,
for on the contrary she only thought of herself as a cloud,
grey and full in space, taking up too much.
She always ended up leaving, running away,
in fear that after a while people might have found out her secret,
that she wasn't so perfect after all.

The sunset takes with it any light I have left in my soul,
Releasing darkness, all encompassing.
I’m scared.
I’ve developed a feeling that all words spoken aren’t meant,
I’ve learnt distance instead of searching for the truth.
I cut it all out,
I cut you out.
Your hands on my shoulders as they make their way to my waist feel rehearsed,
Stale, meaningless,
Done before with long haired girls, skinny girls,
Believing you.
I’m envious of their innocent eyes,
I’ll never be rejuvenated, cleansed of the evil that was instilled upon me too early.
I’ll fight as hard as I can and with all the breath I have to wrestle with my foes that live inside me but they always prevail.
I’m caged in this body that has been torn apart by almost everyone who has come in contact with it.
It’s been abused a few too many times that it will be thrown in the pits that house the other corpses when we reach our final destination.
I’m just waiting to cross over,
And hoping there I get some rest.
My back is bruised and my arms are sore, they fall at my side and that’s where they stay.
I don’t dare raise my hand in request, or answer.
I have no voice, lost it a long time ago,
Listening to words like “shut up” and “*******”.
So forgive me if I am a man of few words, or if I don’t speak at all.
The chances of you being just like all the rest are too high,
And I’ve ruthlessly gambled my life away before, to risk the possibility you might be different is one I’m not willing to take.
If you are, it would challenge everything I believe and I’ve grown too comfortable protecting myself to let you through my walls.
If you aren’t any different, I’m sure my body would wrinkle into a mere casing, nothing but existing, waiting to die.
I’m not sure my body could be frailer, weaker, or more damaged; I also don’t want to find out.
So I stay silent.
Sometimes words out loud don’t hold the solution.
Sometimes silence is the only peace I can reach,
That’s what is so intriguing about the other side,
I hope that it’s quiet.
I hope my haven is quiet.
I don’t need birds singing,
or a babbling brook.
Yes, I might be selfish,
but if I don’t look out for myself,
no one else will.
I’m all I have.
I’ve simply accepted my fate,
I just hope it happens sooner than later,
I’m growing tired of plugging my ears to the noise around me.

You shield yourself with silver and gold,
I see right through.
What I'm seeing,
is empty space.
Have fun being chased.
Running is entertaining for a while,
until you run out of breath.

Maybe it isn't who's right and who's wrong,
in matters to do with the heart.
Maybe we're actually all just scared witless,
of the uncertainty that lies behind the word 'restart'.

your eyes met mine like,
closing time.
the lights came on,  
and I went home.

this is the last time you'll drag your dagger through my mind
im silencing the thoughts
readjusting the locks
just to keep you out.
don't try and break in,
theft is in your blood and im not yours to steal.
your mask won't trick me the next time
your face is engrained in my mind
and i'll never forget
i could never forget
i'm just out of things to give
so please stay out this time.

I took my teardrops back from the ocean.
They took a while to find,
But after all of the work it took,
I really didn't mind.

I came to find my childish laugh,
In the middle of the sea,
the smile I left, I forgot I had,
things once so unimportant to me.
I get why you have to pay a fee,
To appreciate their authenticity,
And how they make you you,
Separate from the rest,
Like a unique little badge,
shining brightly on your chest.

Without them you feel alone,
the world appears so cold.
But the right person should enhance them,
At least that's what I'm told.

The one who was the last,
had me throw myself away,
and when he up and left,
I felt nothing but astray.

So I don't plan on swimming,
For quite a long time,
Not until the right person comes,
And together we're sublime.

I live in constant fear,
Of being forgotten.
But if forgotten means,
Only known by those I truly love,
Why am I scared?

I pause to breathe at the points in between.
That is all I have time for.
I catch my breath, just to lose it again.

I want to stop for a moment.
For longer than a moment.

Maybe that is where we go wrong.
We constantly are trying to escape the present.

I look around as my eyes end up clouded in a fog,
subconsciously I take my mind anywhere but here.

I suddenly feel insignificant,
and all of the distractions I thought were real unmask themselves,
one by one,
my world crumbles apart.

Don’t be fooled.

None of this really matters,
and if you believe that something does,
I feel sorry for you.

The spot that you were
was the spot you could've stayed
my feelings got the best of me
you got the best of me
what kills me was
the best of me
wasn't enough
now that spot is empty
and all i want back
is the best of me

I’m back in a hole.

I can’t feel myself,
my thoughts are lost.

The fluorescents of the city shine so bright because they **** the inner light from each soul wandering through it's streets.

Maybe,
we're all just imitating someone we saw once,
Trying to be all of the people we've decided we respect and admire.
Maybe,
None of us are truly unique to ourselves,
But rather a collection of our favourite minds,
Put together as best we can.

So forgive me if I falter,
I'm just trying to make you proud.
I'm just trying to make myself proud.
And sometimes,
Most of the time,
I'm not sure who that is.

I think I've cried for as long as I can,
my ducts have run dry.
The lidocaine replaced the blood in my veins and I've never felt more alive.

Numbness has become my life's sanctuary.

Never thought it would be the answer,
and maybe it's the alcohol,
but I'd rather be an alcoholic than be invaded by a cancer.

like when i stared into the night sky
expecting to feel relief, wonder, and awe
and instead felt lost, alone, and small
something never felt right with you.

How are we supposed to know truth,
When all we spit are lies,
To ourselves the most,
Salivating until we become the ties,
That keep them together.

I wish I could reach out,
Grab what you call your honesty,
And choke it to death,
To teach you the meaning of friendship.

Here's your money back,
I'm sorry I can't give you your time,
I'm a shell of a girl,
but don't worry,
on the outside I'll be fine.

I hope their lips
Aren't as soft
As mine were
When we first kissed.

I'm not really sure if I meant anything to you.
I'm not really sure you cared.

A piece of me wanted you to tell me to wait,
to tell me that I was right in waiting.

You probably think I'm just like everyone else.
You probably have no clue how many times a day I thought about you.

You don't even realize how much you mean to someone.
And for that, I kind of resent you.

There are feelings I have left in the corners of my mind.
If I let them make their way into my heart,
I’m not sure I could handle them in the way they should be handled.
Sometimes, I can hear their silent screams wanting to be let out,
but I distract myself with sweet nothings to pass the time until they quiet down.

I distract myself with feelings my heart can handle,
with feelings you can handle.
For if I showed you my mind,
I’m not sure you’d see me the same.

I’m not sure my mechanism is right,
but anything that keeps you in my life longer than yesterday,
is my only end goal.

So the thoughts will stay silenced,
and the love I feel will be tamed.
Until one day you’ll be able to handle them.
Until one day we combine our strength.
Until you can latch onto my palms and intertwine our fingers.
Until you stare into my eyes so deep I won’t even have to speak for you to see my soul.
Until you can touch my chest and feel the beating of my heart,
the pounding of my heart when I look at you.

You will be my peace.
The balance between these corners and my heart.

Although I feel that this time may never come,
at least for now I can control myself to keep you in my life.
And at least for now,
that’s enough.

Not until I met you did I realize
how hard I was trying with everyone else.

The only good things in life are those that have been untouched by man.
The worst part about humans:
They're unaware.

How much power their hands have.
How much damage they can do.

Be careful of who you touch,
you can’t just leave afterwards.

Although..
most people think you can.

The thing is
you didn't have to leave
and all that says to me
is I wasn't enough
to make you stay.

You were never a home
You were never meant to keep me warm
You were just a person
Passing through
Most people
Are just people
Passing through
I've built a house
Big enough for two but
No one ever stays
Do not confuse me as a motel
Just because I am kind and want to love you
Does not mean you can use me.
Who taught you that?

I thought I was done losing
Done pretending
Done trying to prove
My heart only wants you
To be happy
If you don’t know that by now
I will never be enough
Nothing will ever be enough

I used to love you,
Before I knew you,
When I thought you were someone else.
Now I see you,
And I wish I kept my eyes closed.

You're just a placeholder
Filling in the space
I use you
The same way
you use me
Only when we're lonely.

Sometimes I feel like I'm losing,
But then I think there's nothing to be won.
My friends have lies in their eyes and stabs in their hearts from the ones they truly loved,
Who they thought loved them back.
Does anyone know what the word means anymore?

you wanted me to show you so
i unzipped my chest
took out my heart
and displayed it in a glass case
i waited for you to speak but
you walked away instead.
i should have known
when you told me about your collection of hearts
it wouldn't stop
at mine.

I love you
came out of your mouth
for the first time
without the dustings of
obligation.
at 23,
for the first time,
I believed it.

I put a piece of my heart away for a long time,
You know after a while,
You forget where you put something?
Until one day,
When you're not even looking,
You find it,
And you promise yourself you will never lose sight of it again.

I think I found hell in your eyes and the devil in your smile.

I saw you,
And my life went up in flames.

I wouldn't mind selling my soul,
Giving up light,
If your eyes could burn
their way through my body,
and your lips,
They could be mine.

I wouldn't mind dying,
If it was you that killed me.

Just when I think I'm fine,
You reach out,
Pull me in ,
and I remember what it was like when you were mine.
I want to go back,
but turning around has always proven pointless,
the ending is always the same.
There are books I would love to re-read,
but you are not one of them.

You matter
You were placed here with two feet, two hands
For walking, for touching
Two eyes for looking
Looking into two other eyes
Looking into the vast ocean realizing no matter how small you are you matter
You are matter
You, regardless of the background noise, matter so much that if you were gone that piece of matter would not and could not be replaced
The eyes you saw and the places you walked and the people you touched would forever remember
Would forever miss
And would forever be missing
You.

You walk into my mind
You take over
Its beautiful for a moment
And then you leave
And then its torture

I was right in thinking
you needed to be loved
I was wrong in thinking
mine was enough

I felt at home with you but
Home to me meant broken
And I didn't want to love something else that could break into pieces
If home is where your heart is
Mine is scattered throughout history
It's never been altogether at once
And I don't think it ever will be

Everyone is distracted
It wouldn't be until I was drowning
That anyone would notice I jumped

I often wonder what it takes
to be able to swim in a tide
as tough as yours.
every time you look at me
i drown.

my dreams are nightmares in disguise,
tricking me all the time they are
silhouettes that look a lot like love
i slip you on like a night dress
delicate and smooth
hugging my every move
a ghost i've let into my body
breathing my every breath
replacing it with unknown
giving it things that once were my own
unaware if i'll ever see that part of me again
i wave goodbye and
in morning time
im born again
but this face that i don't recognize
still isn't good enough in your eyes
nothing ever is.

The love you share
Is one i want
One i dont think ill ever get
Not that it is out of reach
Just that
Everything i end up grabbing
I squeeze too hard
Everything i end up grabbing
Crumbles.
At least
I can watch the people around me
Maybe that will be enough

You say I've changed when really
I've always been this person
She has always been hiding
My life was like an endless game of hide and seek
Except no one ever came looking
You never found me
So I found myself

i am giving you time
but i don't know
if i'm being patient
or naive

sipping on something
stronger than water
is the only time
i can feel something
stronger.

You're just a ghost in my life
Coming in and out as you please
And even though I love you
I have to constantly remind myself
We died a long time ago
We're not real anymore
And we never will be.

People see my smile and they see
Innocence and integrity
They see one girl in one piece
Not broken in pieces
People see my smile and what they don't see
Is me.

The tears that fall on these blank pages will remain
unseen
unheard
and unjustified.
I'll only know of the pain that brought them about,
and the source of their infidelity to my heart.
Only in thought are we not alone,
but only in sharing our thoughts can we cure our sickness.
I'm weak,
all I want to do is shut down,
People are counting on me,
People are counting on me.
So I speak.

I'm simply a souvenir
A memory of where you've been
You're only ever a visitor here
I am not where you'll stay
I just wish knowing this
Stopped me from wanting you to.

this was
your chance
to show me
who you were
i learned i knew all along
i just didn't want to believe it.
this was
your chance
to prove me
wrong.

I can't quit loving people,
Who don't love me back.
I've never been one to give up,
But maybe this time I should.