Why did we meet,
If we can’t be together?
Life is splashing its power in our faces,
Like cold water,
On a freezing winter’s day.
And as each piece of my hair freezes,
I slowly become brittle and empty.
It’s like you’re waiting at home with a warm towel,
But home is thousands of miles away,
And I’m scared that the journey to bring me to you,
Will be too hard for my heart to handle.
I’m scared of giving up.
I’m scared of letting go.
For all I keep dreaming of is thawing in your arms,
And feeling the warmth that only you can give me.
I guess I’ll just keep hoping,
That I never wake up.

It was summer,
I was eighteen.
The lake was new to me,
Everything was new to me.

Excitement dressed my face in soft pink and sweat,
I jumped in with my eyes closed,
Held my knees tight,
The water hit my toes,
It was cold,
A cold I hadn’t felt before
And not until I was met
With a warm towel
Did I feel safe.

My lips were blue and
My knees shook,
I sat in a ball on the dock,
Looked to the moon
And the stars seemed to cradle my thoughts,
I was safe.

I know one day,
The urge to jump will set in,
But for the amount of time it took
For the pink in my cheeks to resurface,
I think for now,
I will sit with my towel,
Thoughts in the stars,
Waving to each passenger swimming by,
Wishing them well.

She was a part of her.
It was more than just blood.
Although when hers flowed slowly, as did hers.
The moon shone from her eyes and reflected into everyone she met.
They lit up entire rooms, entire buildings, entire cities when she arrived.
Something changed about everyone she left behind.
They didn't know what she had done to them,
but they would one day find out.
For her hair was as soft as a new wool sweater, fresh from it's very first wash,
and her skin as soft as a baby's.
She had the innocence of a child, but the weight behind her wisdom of a woman taking her last breath.
Even her smallest motions filled the air with warmth.
Her wave hugged you even if she was standing a mile away.
You could find her on a cloudy day sitting under a tree,
doing nothing but everything all at once.
What went on in that brain of hers, no one would understand.
Thousands and thousands of atoms dancing around, to the happiest pop song and saddest love ballad, all at the same time, never taking a rest.
To the outside world, her smile was so magical it could cure all of the ailments that plagued it, in just one grin.
She never stayed in one place for too long to be able to do so,
for on the contrary she only thought of herself as a cloud,
grey and full in space, taking up too much.
She always ended up leaving, running away,
in fear that after a while people might have found out her secret,
that she wasn't so perfect after all.

The sunset takes with it any light I have left in my soul,
Releasing darkness, all encompassing.
I’m scared.
I’ve developed a feeling that all words spoken aren’t meant,
I’ve learnt distance instead of searching for the truth.
I cut it all out,
I cut you out.
Your hands on my shoulders as they make their way to my waist feel rehearsed,
Stale, meaningless,
Done before with long haired girls, skinny girls,
Believing you.
I’m envious of their innocent eyes,
I’ll never be rejuvenated, cleansed of the evil that was instilled upon me too early.
I’ll fight as hard as I can and with all the breath I have to wrestle with my foes that live inside me but they always prevail.
I’m caged in this body that has been torn apart by almost everyone who has come in contact with it.
It’s been abused a few too many times that it will be thrown in the pits that house the other corpses when we reach our final destination.
I’m just waiting to cross over,
And hoping there I get some rest.
My back is bruised and my arms are sore, they fall at my side and that’s where they stay.
I don’t dare raise my hand in request, or answer.
I have no voice, lost it a long time ago,
Listening to words like “shut up” and “*******”.
So forgive me if I am a man of few words, or if I don’t speak at all.
The chances of you being just like all the rest are too high,
And I’ve ruthlessly gambled my life away before, to risk the possibility you might be different is one I’m not willing to take.
If you are, it would challenge everything I believe and I’ve grown too comfortable protecting myself to let you through my walls.
If you aren’t any different, I’m sure my body would wrinkle into a mere casing, nothing but existing, waiting to die.
I’m not sure my body could be frailer, weaker, or more damaged; I also don’t want to find out.
So I stay silent.
Sometimes words out loud don’t hold the solution.
Sometimes silence is the only peace I can reach,
That’s what is so intriguing about the other side,
I hope that it’s quiet.
I hope my haven is quiet.
I don’t need birds singing,
or a babbling brook.
Yes, I might be selfish,
but if I don’t look out for myself,
no one else will.
I’m all I have.
I’ve simply accepted my fate,
I just hope it happens sooner than later,
I’m growing tired of plugging my ears to the noise around me.

You shield yourself with silver and gold,
I see right through.
What I'm seeing,
is empty space.
Have fun being chased.
Running is entertaining for a while,
until you run out of breath.

Maybe it isn't who's right and who's wrong,
in matters to do with the heart.
Maybe we're actually all just scared witless,
of the uncertainty that lies behind the word 'restart'.

your eyes met mine like,
closing time.
the lights came on,  
and I went home.

this is the last time you'll drag your dagger through my mind
im silencing the thoughts
readjusting the locks
just to keep you out.
don't try and break in,
theft is in your blood and im not yours to steal.
your mask won't trick me the next time
your face is engrained in my mind
and i'll never forget
i could never forget
i'm just out of things to give
so please stay out this time.

I took my teardrops back from the ocean.
They took a while to find,
But after all of the work it took,
I really didn't mind.

I came to find my childish laugh,
In the middle of the sea,
the smile I left, I forgot I had,
things once so unimportant to me.
I get why you have to pay a fee,
To appreciate their authenticity,
And how they make you you,
Separate from the rest,
Like a unique little badge,
shining brightly on your chest.

Without them you feel alone,
the world appears so cold.
But the right person should enhance them,
At least that's what I'm told.

The one who was the last,
had me throw myself away,
and when he up and left,
I felt nothing but astray.

So I don't plan on swimming,
For quite a long time,
Not until the right person comes,
And together we're sublime.

I live in constant fear,
Of being forgotten.
But if forgotten means,
Only known by those I truly love,
Why am I scared?

I pause to breathe at the points in between.
That is all I have time for.
I catch my breath, just to lose it again.

I want to stop for a moment.
For longer than a moment.

Maybe that is where we go wrong.
We constantly are trying to escape the present.

I look around as my eyes end up clouded in a fog,
subconsciously I take my mind anywhere but here.

I suddenly feel insignificant,
and all of the distractions I thought were real unmask themselves,
one by one,
my world crumbles apart.

Don’t be fooled.

None of this really matters,
and if you believe that something does,
I feel sorry for you.

The spot that you were
was the spot you could've stayed
my feelings got the best of me
you got the best of me
what kills me was
the best of me
wasn't enough
now that spot is empty
and all i want back
is the best of me

I’m back in a hole.

I can’t feel myself,
my thoughts are lost.

The fluorescents of the city shine so bright because they **** the inner light from each soul wandering through it's streets.

Maybe,
we're all just imitating someone we saw once,
Trying to be all of the people we've decided we respect and admire.
Maybe,
None of us are truly unique to ourselves,
But rather a collection of our favourite minds,
Put together as best we can.

So forgive me if I falter,
I'm just trying to make you proud.
I'm just trying to make myself proud.
And sometimes,
Most of the time,
I'm not sure who that is.

I think I've cried for as long as I can,
my ducts have run dry.
The lidocaine replaced the blood in my veins and I've never felt more alive.

Numbness has become my life's sanctuary.

Never thought it would be the answer,
and maybe it's the alcohol,
but I'd rather be an alcoholic than be invaded by a cancer.

like when i stared into the night sky
expecting to feel relief, wonder, and awe
and instead felt lost, alone, and small
something never felt right with you.

How are we supposed to know truth,
When all we spit are lies,
To ourselves the most,
Salivating until we become the ties,
That keep them together.

I wish I could reach out,
Grab what you call your honesty,
And choke it to death,
To teach you the meaning of friendship.

Here's your money back,
I'm sorry I can't give you your time,
I'm a shell of a girl,
but don't worry,
on the outside I'll be fine.

I hope their lips
Aren't as soft
As mine were
When we first kissed.

Not until I met you did I realize
how hard I was trying with everyone else.

I'm not really sure if I meant anything to you.
I'm not really sure you cared.

A piece of me wanted you to tell me to wait,
to tell me that I was right in waiting.

You probably think I'm just like everyone else.
You probably have no clue how many times a day I thought about you.

You don't even realize how much you mean to someone.
And for that, I kind of resent you.

There are feelings I have left in the corners of my mind.
If I let them make their way into my heart,
I’m not sure I could handle them in the way they should be handled.
Sometimes, I can hear their silent screams wanting to be let out,
but I distract myself with sweet nothings to pass the time until they quiet down.

I distract myself with feelings my heart can handle,
with feelings you can handle.
For if I showed you my mind,
I’m not sure you’d see me the same.

I’m not sure my mechanism is right,
but anything that keeps you in my life longer than yesterday,
is my only end goal.

So the thoughts will stay silenced,
and the love I feel will be tamed.
Until one day you’ll be able to handle them.
Until one day we combine our strength.
Until you can latch onto my palms and intertwine our fingers.
Until you stare into my eyes so deep I won’t even have to speak for you to see my soul.
Until you can touch my chest and feel the beating of my heart,
the pounding of my heart when I look at you.

You will be my peace.
The balance between these corners and my heart.

Although I feel that this time may never come,
at least for now I can control myself to keep you in my life.
And at least for now,
that’s enough.

The only good things in life are those that have been untouched by man.
The worst part about humans:
They're unaware.

How much power their hands have.
How much damage they can do.

Be careful of who you touch,
you can’t just leave afterwards.

Although..
most people think you can.

I sat in fear of rejection,
Wanting you to pull me close.
We both knew we were wrong,
But for once,
I wanted wrong to be right.

The love you share
Is one i want
One i dont think ill ever get
Not that it is out of reach
Just that
Everything i end up grabbing
I squeeze too hard
Everything i end up grabbing
Crumbles.
At least
I can watch the people around me
Maybe that will be enough

I thought I knew myself in the city but everything I knew turned out to be everything I hated
Now I'm just alone and a shell of who I used to be
Staring at the streetlights
Hoping they will guide me home

I can't quit loving people,
Who don't love me back.
I've never been one to give up,
But maybe this time I should.

do not put me on a pedestal
i am human
put me on the ground
can you still love me here?

Feelings climb out of me constantly
Twisting my stomach and pulling at my heart
For once
I wish i didnt feel sick
So nauseated by my emotions
So extreme
Stuck inside
Such a fragile case.

I'm confused
Beat down
Broken
Breathless.
Try to be real
In an incredibly fake world
And as a reward
You receive
Nothing.

It's ironic really,
How you like me because I don't want anything from you,
Yet all you do is take from me.

When the storm ends we are left with silence, which sometimes, is even more painful.

You don't want anything from me
Im not used to that
Normally someone wants something.

Not having to give
Is a nice feeling.
I finally have time to give myself
All of the things ive been giving away.

I think I found hell in your eyes and the devil in your smile.

I saw you,
And my life went up in flames.

I wouldn't mind selling my soul,
Giving up light,
If your eyes could burn
their way through my body,
and your lips,
They could be mine.

I wouldn't mind dying,
If it was you that killed me.

this was
your chance
to show me
who you were
i learned i knew all along
i just didn't want to believe it.
this was
your chance
to prove me
wrong.

on my own,
I can accept myself
it's when other people enter my mind
that I crumble
thinking of how vulnerable I have to be
to let someone in
to my garden of weeds  
hoping that they have the patience
to see that weeds are still
growth
i have not let my soil run dry
i have just
lost sight of how to grow
anything else.

i am giving you time
but i don't know
if i'm being patient
or naive

Taking it slow is one
Type of relationship
But what do you call
Not moving at all?

I dont think ive ever felt love in romance
So i focus on friends
And i find it hard to say what I mean
And i find it hard to tell you how i feel
Because sometimes im not sure
And my feelings are covered in fear
Of what you will do with them
And what you could do to me.
I just hope you have the patience to wait
Because i will tell you
I just need time.

the scars will remind us
of where you came from
and why you are here.

Missing you
Has become my way of breathing
Everyday, always
I am missing you.

i get all caught up
in the words you say
i forget i can speak
and i'll be okay.

I cannot handle hot water being held over me
Either pour it out
Or cut me out.

i stood in front of you
a shell of a girl
and with every shaking breath
i tried to stand tall
show you i was incapable of quivering
show you i was cool enough
good enough
brave enough
but the truth was i was running out of air
and every cover-up
proved to cover-up another piece of me
you would never know
when i gasped for my last breath
i collapsed
and it wasn't your arms that caught me
it was the floor
and there i stayed until morning
where the bright sunlight exposed the bruises
and all I could do
was let time do the healing

i wish i knew what to say to you
what you wanted
you never tell me
anything
you just blame me
we aren't moving forward
and i have no interest in reliving a past
filled with so much pain.

I felt at home with you but
Home to me meant broken
And I didn't want to love something else that could break into pieces
If home is where your heart is
Mine is scattered throughout history
It's never been altogether at once
And I don't think it ever will be

oh how easy it was for you to undress me
caress me
impress me

I'm not a fool
just a girl
still not able to decipher between loves
knowing when it's the real thing
and when it's just people like you
looking to read a front cover
but never a whole book

oh how easy it was for you to tease me
and leave me

The thing is
you didn't have to leave
and all that says to me
is I wasn't enough
to make you stay.

You're just a placeholder
Filling in the space
I use you
The same way
you use me
Only when we're lonely.

You're just a ghost in my life
Coming in and out as you please
And even though I love you
I have to constantly remind myself
We died a long time ago
We're not real anymore
And we never will be.

I'm in a race with myself and I'm not winning.