I thought I was done losing
Done pretending
Done trying to prove
My heart only wants you
To be happy
If you don’t know that by now
I will never be enough
Nothing will ever be enough

Talk to me
Until you can't see
The sense in taking your life.

I'm here for you.

People see my smile and they see
Innocence and integrity
They see one girl in one piece
Not broken in pieces
People see my smile and what they don't see
Is me.

timing told us we were wrong
and we tried anyway
my heart told me you were wrong
and we tried anyway
it's always felt wrong with the ones who ended up leaving but
I can never force myself to walk away first
I don't like giving up on the people that I love
even if they don't love me back

I see the stars in your eyes and I forget,
That this is what darkness looks like.

The tears that fall on these blank pages will remain
unseen
unheard
and unjustified.
I'll only know of the pain that brought them about,
and the source of their infidelity to my heart.
Only in thought are we not alone,
but only in sharing our thoughts can we cure our sickness.
I'm weak,
all I want to do is shut down,
People are counting on me,
People are counting on me.
So I speak.

If only you had given me a flesh wound.
Something easier to heal.

If only you had stabbed me a few times in the gut,
One to the leg, one to the arm,
Left me with a couple bruises,
I could have dealt with that harm.
You ****** me up right,
Not only ****** my mind but
Taking your dagger and dragging it up my spine.
You saw me in the garden, growing about my days and you
Ripped me out of the ground in nothing but your spiteful haze.
I wish I had something, to offer to anyone I meet,
But I feel ****** dry,
Can’t even balance using my own two feet.
If I could leave an automatic message to those who come my way,
It would be *“she no longer lives here, go about your day”

The world gives us art everyday,
And everyday,
I struggle to thank it.
We forget we are not the creators,
Builders or movers.
We are the tenants,
We do not own the land we reside on,
We are temporarily keeping it warm,
Waiting for a fire to start.

I sat and wondered
everyday
wondered why
why me
why this life
answers?
none.
I only had myself,
and all I did was wonder.

Staring at me through blank eyes
What I thought was inside
Turned out to be a spiral of doubt
The only thing that turned out to be real
Was the lesson I learned
The slap in the face
And the reality check
That not all people are looking to love
Some just want the surface
The smudges on the glass
Distorting what you see of yourself
My reflection in you was my self worth disappearing
Apologetic for who I am
And my belief of wrong
And right
I could have loved you
Now you're just one more lonely girl
Too stubborn to be anything else
Just know I could have loved you

I'm tired.
I'm exhausted.
Walking down the street is draining.
Talking to you is draining.
You're a waste of my time,
you live life in a way that I don't understand, and frankly don't want to.
So I won't try.
You'll close your eyes and pretend you're asleep,
as you go about your days like everyone else.
just.like.every.one.else.

I'll close my eyes when I'm asleep,
but seem to be the only one with them open during the day.
I see things,
that I wish I could forget.
Sometimes I wish I was like you,
ignorant and cowardly.
Life seems a bit easier for you to just "forget".

But then I remember,
people like me are indifferent to you and if anything
I want a few good friends who I can call home
rather than a sea of strangers
letting me roam.

Why do I think I loved you,
When I didn't even like you?
I find all of the reasons I can to hate you:
Your condescending humor,
Your manipulating smile,
The way you made me feel small, smaller than I've ever felt before.
All of these are real reasons,
Valid reasons,
Truthful reasons,
But I think the biggest reason,
The saddest, and really only reason,
is that you didn't love me back.

I'm simply a souvenir
A memory of where you've been
You're only ever a visitor here
I am not where you'll stay
I just wish knowing this
Stopped me from wanting you to.

You were never a home
You were never meant to keep me warm
You were just a person
Passing through
Most people
Are just people
Passing through
I've built a house
Big enough for two but
No one ever stays
Do not confuse me as a motel
Just because I am kind and want to love you
Does not mean you can use me.
Who taught you that?

I constantly crave the worst things for me
And I always give in
Its too tempting to taste something I used to know
Because lately
I feel like I don't know anything
I'm so lost
I constantly crave to feel at home.

I watched the flowers on my bedside die
and I thought of us.

i wish i knew what to say to you
what you wanted
you never tell me
anything
you just blame me
we aren't moving forward
and i have no interest in reliving a past
filled with so much pain.

I think I found hell in your eyes and the devil in your smile.

I saw you,
And my life went up in flames.

I wouldn't mind selling my soul,
Giving up light,
If your eyes could burn
their way through my body,
and your lips,
They could be mine.

I wouldn't mind dying,
If it was you that killed me.

I was right in thinking
you needed to be loved
I was wrong in thinking
mine was enough

I spent the last year digging with two other people,
I thought we were building a tunnel,
To carry us from one side of the earth to the other,
A magical place, unlike anything that's been done before.
All the while I was digging,
You both were standing at the top,
Waiting for the right time to bury me.

I'd like you to know that you can try your best to bury me alive,
But watch how many people you cover in dirt,
You one day will be down here with us,
And on that day,
I wouldn't want to be you.

i know something doesn't feel right,
you know it's got to feel right.

i wish it felt right,
but no one ever taught you how to wish.

so maybe that's why I'm still here
and maybe that's why you're not.

i stood in front of you
a shell of a girl
and with every shaking breath
i tried to stand tall
show you i was incapable of quivering
show you i was cool enough
good enough
brave enough
but the truth was i was running out of air
and every cover-up
proved to cover-up another piece of me
you would never know
when i gasped for my last breath
i collapsed
and it wasn't your arms that caught me
it was the floor
and there i stayed until morning
where the bright sunlight exposed the bruises
and all I could do
was let time do the healing

You don't want anything from me
Im not used to that
Normally someone wants something.

Not having to give
Is a nice feeling.
I finally have time to give myself
All of the things ive been giving away.

if there ever comes a day
where you don't feel loved
remember I love you
I never forgot you
I remember you every second
of every day
I hope my feelings for you
travel through space and time
comfort you when you're about to sleep
surround your thoughts
and whisper i love you one million times over

you told me that you loved me
so i lit a match and
watched the words
go up in flames
in front of me
i swallowed the words
i love you too

Something wonderful happens when music comes on.
Anything that gives your brain a break, I feel at home with.
It's when it stops that the real world starts again.
The world I don't fit into.

your love letters used to make me feel
love
and then hate
but now
they are just words on paper
and all they make me feel is
free.

When the storm ends we are left with silence, which sometimes, is even more painful.

I'm confused
Beat down
Broken
Breathless.
Try to be real
In an incredibly fake world
And as a reward
You receive
Nothing.

I really thought I was something more to you
That's all I'm ever chasing
More
I never seem to be enough.
I never seem to have the answers.
What is love?
Will I ever find it?

The hole in your heart just keeps getting deeper and deeper.
The further we get,
the lower we go,
and the less hope we have of recovering.
The last time I risked it all,
I ended up empty.
This time I'm playing it safe.
I placed my bet and it wasn't enough,
goodbye and good luck.

i know what i love
i just dont know
where that fits in the world
i mean maybe it doesn't
and maybe thats the point
but where do i carve space for myself
who will help me once i do
and who will try and bury me to cover up the mark i make?

each page of our story
gave me paper cuts
by the time i was finished
my hands were sketched in blood
reminding me of every time i tried to turn a page
and you refused.

You're lying here with me
I'm already getting dressed
Everybody leaves
It's just a matter of when
I thank the others
For teaching me I can survive
Without

The thing is
you didn't have to leave
and all that says to me
is I wasn't enough
to make you stay.

I cannot handle hot water being held over me
Either pour it out
Or cut me out.

i get all caught up
in the words you say
i forget i can speak
and i'll be okay.

I dont think ive ever felt love in romance
So i focus on friends
And i find it hard to say what I mean
And i find it hard to tell you how i feel
Because sometimes im not sure
And my feelings are covered in fear
Of what you will do with them
And what you could do to me.
I just hope you have the patience to wait
Because i will tell you
I just need time.

i am giving you time
but i don't know
if i'm being patient
or naive

on my own,
I can accept myself
it's when other people enter my mind
that I crumble
thinking of how vulnerable I have to be
to let someone in
to my garden of weeds  
hoping that they have the patience
to see that weeds are still
growth
i have not let my soil run dry
i have just
lost sight of how to grow
anything else.

this was
your chance
to show me
who you were
i learned i knew all along
i just didn't want to believe it.
this was
your chance
to prove me
wrong.

It's ironic really,
How you like me because I don't want anything from you,
Yet all you do is take from me.

Feelings climb out of me constantly
Twisting my stomach and pulling at my heart
For once
I wish i didnt feel sick
So nauseated by my emotions
So extreme
Stuck inside
Such a fragile case.

do not put me on a pedestal
i am human
put me on the ground
can you still love me here?

I can't quit loving people,
Who don't love me back.
I've never been one to give up,
But maybe this time I should.

I thought I knew myself in the city but everything I knew turned out to be everything I hated
Now I'm just alone and a shell of who I used to be
Staring at the streetlights
Hoping they will guide me home

The love you share
Is one i want
One i dont think ill ever get
Not that it is out of reach
Just that
Everything i end up grabbing
I squeeze too hard
Everything i end up grabbing
Crumbles.
At least
I can watch the people around me
Maybe that will be enough

I sat in fear of rejection,
Wanting you to pull me close.
We both knew we were wrong,
But for once,
I wanted wrong to be right.

And in the moments i feel im not alone
Someone rips the rug right under me
Just to remind me that
I am.

I woke up today not thinking about anything,
or that's how it felt at first.
I moved my hand,
and it was as though it belonged to someone else.
I looked at this foreign part of my body,
and closed my eyes.
My heart pounded inside of me,
I can't get out.