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Jul 2020 · 437
starry eyes
Julia Jul 2020
you have stars in your eyes
but i am only the night sky
so far from your reach
i am always denied
Jul 2020 · 134
i wish
Julia Jul 2020
i wish i had
a way with words
to make you glad
and never hurt

when autumn leaves
cut through my arms
you were there
to heal my heart

infinity
and heartfelt smiles
you should know
you saved my life

i wish i could
help you see
just how much
you mean to me
May 2020 · 182
dissociation
Julia May 2020
in crowded rooms
and narrow halls
i've never felt
like i belong

i stare off
into the midst
of chattering people
that still feel bliss

i can't see
i can't hear
they tap my shoulder
but i'm no longer here

because it's dark now
i know you're gone
but i was right
and you were wrong

there is no place for me
there is no home
that's why i
should be alone
May 2020 · 72
hypocrisy
Julia May 2020
i want loneliness and freedom
but i still want to be loved
i'm unhappy and i'm unkind
but happy is something i never was

caught myself in my own arms
since nobody could handle the burden
of all my sorrow and my fears
it feels like i'm the only one hurting
May 2020 · 167
sad
Julia May 2020
sad
i'm sad. but it's okay
i was sad yesterday
and i'll be sad tomorrow
but there's nobody here to see it
nobody to talk to
i'm crying. but it's okay
i cried yesterday
and i'll certainly cry tomorrow
but nobody will wipe away the tears
staining my dull face
i'm alone. but it's okay
i was alone yesterday
and i'll be alone tomorrow
but sometimes i'm trapped in dreams
wishing it wasn't so
May 2020 · 118
self-isolation
Julia May 2020
i went outside today
hoping to feel something
i don't think the world
could ever be lovely

stuck inside my room
isn't all that bad
until i realized
how everything makes me sad

i don't want to see anymore
i don't want to talk
every time i try
i'm left alone in the dark
Feb 2020 · 347
thin
Julia Feb 2020
i want to be pretty
i want to be thin
i want to be
only bones and skin
i want people to worry
when i walk by
i want people to wonder
how i'm still alive
i don't eat for six days
and feel guilty on the seventh
i purge for three more
and binge on the eleventh
i wish you would worry
i wish you would care
if you don't, one day
you won't see me there
i'll die of starvation
messed up, insane, wrong
but you won't even notice
that i am long gone
Jan 2020 · 855
miss me, kiss me
Julia Jan 2020
i wish you would
miss me

i wish you would
kiss me

i need you to
miss me

i need you to
kiss me
Jan 2020 · 265
those who have wronged me
Julia Jan 2020
i am not religious
and somehow i attract
sinners
that string me along
and break my heart
knowing that i'll
forgive them
because i don't deserve
love at all
so i cling desperately
to anybody who shows me
any affection at all
even though
they lie to me
they defile me
they cheat on me
and then apologize
they were drunk
they weren't thinking straight
they never really loved me anyway
and i take in
these broken people
and nurture them
until they're healed enough
to turn their backs on me
but who is going to
save me?
while they run off with my friend
or somebody much better than me
i am left to pick up the pieces
of my own shattered heart
and they come back to say
they still love me
but i don't trust anyone
anymore
and i walk away
somehow
i end up being
the villian
and blamed for playing the
victim
and so i'd say
to those who have wronged me -
*******
Jan 2020 · 243
wish
Julia Jan 2020
i wish
i could tell you

                                         i wish
                                         i could hold you

i wish
i could kiss you

                                         i wish
                                         i could love you


                           openly
Jan 2020 · 309
the butterfly effect
Julia Jan 2020
maybe
every single decision
i have ever made
added up to entirely
decide my fate

maybe
all the people
i've seen or been with
have lead me to you
but you're too blind to see it

maybe
all the words
i have ever spoken
tangled the web that brought me here
leaving me so lonely
Jan 2020 · 881
video games
Julia Jan 2020
i wonder if you like
video games
or is breaking my heart
the only game you like to play?
Jan 2020 · 418
love me
Julia Jan 2020
but before i can think
of loving you
i need to learn
to love me, too
Jan 2020 · 123
depression. year 10
Julia Jan 2020
sometimes
i want to open up my head
and scratch the itch in my brain
that will never go away
and it leaves me wallowing in pain
making me wish i was in a grave

instead i lay in my bed
for five days straight
and wonder why i can't move
when i know that it's all you
constantly ruining my mood
and i am only twenty-two

counting the days i have left to live
counting the beats my heart struggles to make
i know that it's difficult to love me
which is why my loneliness is inticing
all i wanted was to be something
instead i think everyone hates me
Jan 2020 · 233
harm
Julia Jan 2020
every night i'm all alone
i wonder where things went wrong
i hate every part of myself now
and i thought you couldn't do any harm
Jan 2020 · 1.4k
i deserve better
Julia Jan 2020
i deserve better
than chasing after you
and wondering if someday
my dreams will come true

i deserve better
than looking for a way
there's this pain in my chest
that just won't go away

i deserve better
than waiting for you to notice
the way i stare at you
handing you all these chances

i deserve better
than being taken for granted
time and time again
i am not the one you wanted
Jan 2020 · 227
chasing dreams
Jan 2020 · 188
pieces
Julia Jan 2020
you left me on read
but what you don't know
is that you left me in pieces
and i can never come home
Jan 2020 · 320
butterflies 2.0
Julia Jan 2020
let me float away
with all these butterflies

you've
        
                given

                                ­ me
Jan 2020 · 109
p a i n
Julia Jan 2020
isn't there a way
to rid me of this pain?
Jan 2020 · 267
kilograms
Julia Jan 2020
my friends told me
i've lost too much weight
is the mirror lying
or are they?
Jan 2020 · 491
sunflowers
Julia Jan 2020
sunflowers grow in the garden
that is my mind
but sunflowers can never bloom
if they can't see the light
Jan 2020 · 239
city lights
Julia Jan 2020
it seems that all these city lights
were meant to guide me home
but once they finally lose their life
i am sitting here all alone
Jan 2020 · 535
i made you up
Julia Jan 2020
i made you up
inside my head
all i can feel
is regret

and love for you
but is it you?
i don't think
that it is true

i made you up
inside my brain
you're making me
go insane

i fell in love
with the idea
not the person
i need to meet you

i made you up
inside my mind
i feel like
i'm losing time

my love is just
a complete waste
of all my energy
and your space
i fell in love with you without even knowing you
Jan 2020 · 456
silence
Julia Jan 2020
what does silence sound like?


it's the sound that surrounds me
every night i lay in bed
without your warm embrace
and wonder why i'm so sad
my brainwaves are incoherent
my fingers have gone numb
i haven't left my bed in three days
how i long to feel your touch
the sounds that no one dares to break
at 3 am in a lover's grave
brushing the hair away from my face
but you don't even know my name
and it's all just a dream that i made up
i wonder if i am actually awake
or if i'm stuck in a perpetual nightmare
counting the days until you hold my hand
Jan 2020 · 113
destroyed
Julia Jan 2020
would you **** me slowly
and enjoy my pain
playing on my heartstrings

do i mean nothing
am i just a ghost
am i just worthless
Julia Jan 2020
nothing good ever happens after 2 am
once your thoughts are taken over
by the lack of sleep
you're unable to understand
the difference between right and wrong
between bad and good
playing god on others
but you can't even help yourself
trapped in a spiral of self-hatred
and there's no light of day
that could help you see a way
only darkness that engulfs you whole
and you wait for hours for a single sign
even though it will just **** you more
should i get drunk or overdose
because sleep has long escaped me
i'm helpless without your love
that you don't want to give to me
and i would understand
but i don't want to
and i can't be without you for another breathing moment
you don't even know my name
and i am so utterly obsessed with you
i want to scream from the top of my lungs
but my voice is broken from sobbing
nothing good ever happens after 2 am
like my tears of sorrow and pain
that nobody is around to see
and there's something in my chest
that just won't let me breathe
it hurts me so badly and nobody even knows
i'm so sad but i could be so happy
if you would just love me
it's all i'll ever ask of you
but i just take another shot of coffee
and keep my bloodshot eyes peeled
my heart is racing like it's late to something
and it hurts my head
but you don't care
until the morning dawns and i realize
i haven't really slept in three days
so kids, remember
nothing good ever happens after 2 am
if you know Ted Mosby, then you know
Jan 2020 · 144
lonely
Julia Jan 2020
i'm swallowed by my loneliness again
my corrupted thoughts that know no end
how i long for your gentle touch
even though you don't know me much

the air around me feels thicker still
as i drown myself in all my pills
i know you won't save me from the dark
but you're the only one who has my heart
Jan 2020 · 1.0k
your name
Julia Jan 2020
your name is a silent word on my lips
because i'll never call you
after all the times i've lived
through the same thing before you

your name is the softest thing
that i have ever heard
oh, how i wish it wouldn't
make my heart hurt
Jan 2020 · 317
asleep
Julia Jan 2020
i just want to sleep
i don't want to be awake
i just want to dream
i don't want this heartbreak
Dec 2019 · 91
tears
Julia Dec 2019
i should refrain
from spilling my tears
over someone
who doesn't even care
Aug 2019 · 123
am i okay?
Julia Aug 2019
my mom keeps asking me if i'm alright
but how can i answer her
when even i don't know
if i am moderately fine
Jul 2019 · 99
adult
Julia Jul 2019
forced to grow up at such a young age
my father stopped reading me those bedtime stories
and the next thing i knew, i was alone
with nobody to save me from my worries

a young girl with a dream that would never come true
too naive to see through all the lies
and the pain behind her rose-colored glasses
that covered her sorrowful eyes

and as i sit in my tiny new room crying at 4 am on the carpeted floor
i realize that my mom won't comfort me like she used to
i'm alone in this world and i can never break through
Jul 2019 · 187
words
Julia Jul 2019
i have too many emotions
that can never be put into words
Jun 2019 · 431
delusions
Julia Jun 2019
sometimes i'm trapped in my own mind
do i need help or am i alright
with falling apart and breaking my bones
is there a person in this world who actually knows?
Jun 2019 · 101
butterflies
Julia Jun 2019
butterflies would always find me
in the dark

butterflies would always find me
to break my heart

butterflies would always find me
in my deepest dreams

butterflies would always find me
everytime somebody would leave
Jun 2019 · 157
what do you know?
Julia Jun 2019
you know my name
but not my story

you know my grades
but not my glory

you know my size
but not my perception

you know my fall
but not my redemption
Jun 2019 · 312
depersonalization
Julia Jun 2019
people always say to me
that my eyes are as blank as can be

do you know the constant screaming in my head
or the bones underneath my bed

i wake up and i'm not here
i go to sleep and i'm not here

do you know the drunken feeling
or how my body is always bleeding

or is it? i can't tell what is real anymore
i've lost hope for the girl i was before

i'm numb and lost in my own mind
i don't think i can be saved in time

don't leave me alone like i did to you
all i wanted was to protect you
Apr 2018 · 184
2:40
Julia Apr 2018
never-ending sleepless nights,
blinded by streetlights that shine too bright,
crazed by crossroads that will never meet again,
lost in a city with no end

have i gone mad or have i always been insane?
i'm not sure what to think these days,
crack my skull open just to see what's inside,
i am scared of being alive

is this the dark side or the light?
i can't tell anything tonight,
my hopeless heart tells me it's fine,
but i know it's all a lie
Mar 2018 · 181
a start
Julia Mar 2018
happiness always starts somewhere
sadness always starts somewhere
liveliness always starts somewhere
depression always starts somewhere
eating disorders always start somewhere
insomnia always starts somewhere
i can't seem to pinpoint the moments
where everything started for me
Sep 2017 · 166
XX
Julia Sep 2017
**
i'm so tired of living
with the fear of falling apart
will i ever feel complete
or will i **** my own heart?
Jul 2017 · 157
nights
Julia Jul 2017
the night is the only time
true feelings come to life
the pain and sorrow that you bury deep inside

the love you yearn for, but will never reach
the gruesome words you want to speak
the numbness you secretly crave, but can't achieve

on good nights, you think of the happiness you have
the love of your mother, your lover, but why does it make you mad?
and you pull your hair out, questioning why you're always sad

the crippling anxiety that flows through your veins
you can feel the silence echoing in your brain
wondering if life is just a cruel game

and then it dawns, and you realize you haven't slept
good or bad, you didn't care, you only wept
your hands clutched tightly around your neck
Jun 2017 · 419
inevitable death
Julia Jun 2017
what's the point of waking up
if we all die anyway?
why should i go on living
if none of this will stay?

i've tried so hard to ignore
the ghosts of the future
haunting me daily
isn't that merely human nature?

what's the reason we're here
if our fate is to die?
is this somebody's game?
are we living a lie?

it's hard to open my eyes
without feeling despair
from an endless universe
and how i mean nothing there
Dec 2016 · 439
nervous breakdown 246
Julia Dec 2016
i'm so ******* tired
let me sleep
instead i cry until my head's exploding
i scream until my voice is gone
i quake uncontrollably
my mind is going a million miles an hour
gasping for air
and failing
i try to call for help
but i'm alone in this place
i'm having a nervous breakdown
please make it stop
Mar 2016 · 265
to my dearest mother
Julia Mar 2016
to my dearest mother
i know i'm not the best daughter
i don't talk to you enough
i don't tell you that i love you enough

i usually act like i don't care
even though i hate it when you're not there
i wish that i wasn't so stubborn
and that i could simply say that i love you

i appreciate everything that you do for me
i know you put in your heart and soul for me
although i can never seem to tell you
but i really, with everything i have, love you

i can't imagine how you must feel
seeing your daughter cry
and knowing that there's nothing much you can do
except just keep repeating "i love you"

i always wish i could take all your pain away
it kills me each time you don't want to stay
i just can't imagine a life without you
my dearest mother, i love you

you're the prettiest lady in the whole wide world
and your singing is the best i've ever heard
please forgive me for everything i do
i just want you to know that i really love you
thank you for always being by my side, i love you so much
Dec 2015 · 279
nervous breakdown
Julia Dec 2015
i feel like i'm going to explode
and i'm talking so fast and so shrill
and my words are filled with love and heartache
i wish i was appreciated as much as i deserve
i'm blinded by my own breathing shortage
how painful it is to feel like i'm drowning
breaking my fists whilst cracking my walls
i emanate a whole field of despair
and i **** myself inside until i realize that it's pointless
i'm so soft and this world will probably eat me up
the white ceiling seems too bright for my sore eyes
words hurt more than people can imagine
Oct 2015 · 220
please get better
Julia Oct 2015
my appetite is gone
the days are so long
i can't sleep anymore
i feel like i'm falling apart
Oct 2015 · 546
i need some sleep
Julia Oct 2015
my eyes are tired of crying
Oct 2015 · 710
Beauty?
Julia Oct 2015
Beauty
Isn't flawless skin
It's not crystal eyes
Or luscious lips
Nobody cares
If you have a thigh gap
Or not
If you have a skinny waist
Or not
If you have a D-cup
Or not

Beauty
Shouldn't be defined
It's how your lover sees you
It's what you're happy with
And that's the only thing
That really counts
Aug 2015 · 6.6k
stop romanticizing self-harm
Julia Aug 2015
people romanticize self-harm
as if it's nothing special
and really, no one is alarmed
everyone's stopped being careful

it's not just about the blood
it really eats your heart out
the suffering makes your head flood
and everything seems so loud

you can't just seek pitiful attention
saying "oh, look, i'm depressed"
you really do deserve a lecture
because the real deal would say so much less

cutting ruins your body
it also pierces your soul
you seek a friend or just anybody
but you always end up alone

the cup of coffee in the morning
is the only thing keeping you alive
the rest of the time you're crying
trying to get thoughts out of your mind

you've got a stash of blades
hiding under your bed
today your sister got engaged
and you might end up dead

you try to down twenty pills
with a chug of burning *****
maybe then you'd see flowery hills
but it's just likely to cause you trauma

you stare at your own blank wall
trying to find a slimmer of hope
and nobody's there to watch you fall
as you exit this life with some dope
having dealt with self-harm problems myself, i understand and empathize the current confusion and a somewhat "hype" poor teenagers have. some may disagree, but it's really just my perspective.
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