and he tamed her the only way he knew how, knowing that it worked every time.
&
she wished that this time he would keep his promise to not hurt her again, for she can’t handle another betrayal

I’m currently walking this fine line of pain and trying to be fine.
I’m dizzy and not sure how to put one foot in front of the other.
Wish I could forget about you.

what are we?
are we a figment of imagination?
have only I been the one wanting something to happen?

the last man she had laid next to in bed, she could not look him in the eyes, solely for the reason that if she did, she would not find the kind eyes she was used to.

She just wanted to be loved again, by the right person and at the right time.

I’m in a spot where thinking of my future excites me,
I no longer yearn to be six feet in the ground,
I no longer yearn to run away,
I can see it now, my purpose and all I needed to do was learn to love myself.

Today on the last day of the year, I wanted to give up.
To give into the voices, the voices that tell me that I can never do anything right.
I wanted to curl up into a ball and just let everything continue to fall off my shoulders, crumbling until there’s nothing left but the dirt in my grave, six feet deep.
I’m tired and I don’t know how I’m going to last another year like this.

I was somebody who loved the next sunrise,
And I was somebody who loved the next chapter in life.
Now all I look forward to is the time I am out of this hurt,
Until I’m okay and I can smile again.
Is that so selfish?

I am in a position I have never been before,
For once I do not see the positive side of things apart from 'everyone makes mistakes'
Do they? Did I?
Will my foolish mind be forgiven?
I feel as if I am running out of places and people to go to.
Do I even want to crawl back to who I was before?
She was not happy and she craved to feel something different but she did as she was told and not a second late.
Will I ever want to come out of this dark place?

You're hurting and all I want to do is heal you.
You're lost and all I want to do is show you the way.
You want to die and all I want to do is give you reasons why you should be alive.
You can give me all of you and all I want to do is nurture you in all the ways that bring you pain.

People come into our lives at every chapter, shaping us in different ways,
Some good and some bad,
How did you become both?

my biggest fear is being hurt the same way i got hurt in the past,
like
how am i just going to let it happen again?

i thought i had wanted this, you know, i couldn't deny the way he made me feel.
it had to mean something right? but in the late hours of night i find myself wondering why he make me feel so low yet so high at the same time

Oh kindred one, how strange that the world wants you to be kind but when you think about it, has the world ever been kind to you?


I didn't think so, but, however, please don't stop being another soul in this universe that we do not deserve but desperately need.

my heart is heavy tonight as i watch the snow fall outside from the foggy window,
i feel so alone in my own house since i was foolish enough to make my home in the arms of a man who sold to a higher bidder

Auntie? Are you proud of me?
As you watch me learn and grow from above,
Are you proud of how far I’ve come?
Do you shed a tear to see how strong I am?
Do you wish you were here to witness how much of a lady I’ve become?
Do you wish you could be here for your sister? My mom?
Do you wish you could guide her in the right direction in life? Far from the bottom?
Auntie? Can you see me typing this poem wanting nothing more than to wrap your arms around our family?
Hoping that your prayers and wishes become upon us?
We’re so lost without you auntie, I wish you had never left.
I wish you were still here protecting everyone.

Someone had once told that the greatest love of my life will leave a permanent scar on my heart,
That they will leave a fire within me that will never burn out,
And now I want nothing more than for him to come and ignite the fire he started in my soul, so it burns so bright that I feel as if I’m living off the fumes alone,
I want him to turn back and tell me once more, that he loves me.

I miss you in my life, at every turn you would be there, ready for me to mumble on about the drama in my life
and
now that seat is empty where you sat and the hole in my soul is gaping open ever since you left, letting all of the kind words you once spoke to me drift through and disappear into the wind.

I really wish I wouldn’t dream of you,
Especially when it’s you telling me how much you’ve missed me

i miss you so dearly, so much that it feels as if it physically hurts me when I remember all of the good,
why didn’t we last?

they say men are foolish and stupid with love,
but have I told you about the girl who missed out on the one chasing the idea of another great love.

how tragic is it for soul mates to find each other at the end of life just to be reborn and have to find each other again

I went weeks without hearing your name, and without uttering it aloud.
I heard your name today and it felt like a punch to the gut.
Will I always be this way when it comes to you?
I just want to be okay.

I have never wanted forever with anyone before,
I’ve wanted a life time,
I’ve wanted another day,
I’ve wanted another minute,
But never will I want an eternity with someone who doesn’t want an eternity with me.

my heart continues to hurt, achingly, but the one thing is each passing day it does hurt less by a fraction .

Once when I was younger I was helping my mom set up the Christmas decorations and she dropped a clear tack onto the grey furry carpet and before I could say anything she bent down and began to look for it by running her hands along the carpet.
“Why are you doing that? Won’t it hurt if it sticks you?” Eight year old me asked with concern.
“Maybe but it’s better than you or your siblings finding it by stepping on it.”
This was the moment I began to understand that my mom would hurt herself before she ever hurt her children.
The moment I began to understand the love of a mother.

I’m beginning to realize how much I’m distancing myself from those who I love,
and if I’m being honest, I’m finding it hard to give a ****.

I spent a great deal of my time speaking and giving my attention to one person,
That when it’s time to put myself out there, I genuinely don’t know how,
It doesn’t mean I’m not trying, it’s routine for me to speak the way that I do expecting that the world is exactly like them,
Trying to redirect my brain and my heart is the most difficult part of moving on,
But I’m trying

A year ago, I was begging for him to love me, to remember the love he held for me.
That I was finally done figuring myself out after I repeatedly told him that it was time I desperately needed.
God did I love him so much, so much that it still hurts thinking about it.
I would have done anything for him, ignored everyone if that’s what he wanted.
I would’ve moved mountains for him, I would’ve lost myself entirely if it meant that I got to be with him.
He never wanted that for me, he wanted me to be whole and my own person, he wanted me to love myself first.
I didn’t understand it at first.
I was angry and heartbroken that he didn’t want me to love and put him first.
It was then, after it ******* near destroyed me when I realized what he meant.
He wants me to happy, to take care of myself and my son.
He wants only the best for me and that’s when I realize that he will always love me, from afar.
We will most likely never be together again but he still hopes and wishes that I will be okay no matter what.
We don’t talk anymore but all I can hope is that he is doing okay and that he will find himself the way I have.
That he will never have to wonder if I still hold love for him in my heart because I will always.
He’s been my safety blanket in a time of need and I hope that if this ever comes across him one day, that I will gladly be his safety blanket.
Thank you, thank you Nelson, for the nurturing care you’ve given me even if I didn’t want it at times.
I will always love you, after all, you’ll always be my first true love.

A year had already passed by, twelve months, fifty two weeks, three hundred sixty five days since your soul had left this earth. Since you took your last breath, since the pain of breathing for those who loved you started.
There’s no rewind button to take us back to a time where you were alive, I just want everyone to be alright.
The memories and the pain remains but the sound of your voice and laugh fade.
We miss you.
You left an empty void that aches every time we remember that you’re not here anymore.
I see the darkness in their eyes, I see the pain and anger, anger for not being there, anger for not being able to say what they wanted, pain for wishing that they could just have one more conversation with you, pain for wanting to feel your touch once more.
Are you there?
Whenever we feel alone, we’re not alone because you’re sitting right next to us?
When our heads are hanging and our tears are falling do you put your hand on our shoulders?
Are you at peace?
Although you’re gone, you’ve left your mark on this earth forever.
You’re no longer in pain.
Thank you, for giving our family a sister, a cousin, a mother, a daughter, a niece, and a grandmother for a little while longer.
Thank you for always be there.
02.13.18 ♡

You were one of the few people I could talk to, you didn’t make me feel so crazy for feeling the way I do and did.
You walked next to me in life promising that you’d always be there.
But you left so abruptly that I can’t really wrap my head around it and I can’t go to you with how I’m feeling because it’s you that I lost. It’s you that’s making me feel these things.
So I will suffer in silence and just let you go, for good this time.
I can feel the invisible tears threatening to become real ones, and I just don’t know what to think right now..
I wish I didn’t let you in.

Please be careful with my heart, it’s barely being held together.
Just by tape and glue.
Please be careful with my soul, I almost lost it.
It’s had enough blues.
Please be careful with my body, it’s been through too much pain.
T.L.C. is over due.
Please be careful with my fragile mind.
Sometimes I don’t know what to do.

I see a pair of eyes on me and just for a split second I stare into those deep brown eyes, they change into yours.
They're watching my every movement of my swaying body but it's not the attention I want from just anyone so I let them stare.
I close my eyelids and picture that you're the one leaned up against that bar, watching me and I can feel the tingling feeling going down my spine.
I'm dancing for you and you're not even here.
Every stride is fuelled with hoping that you're looking my way, the way you did that night on New Years.
The flashing lights change from red to blue and I'm not in a bar full of strangers but in the living room of where our eye kept meeting.
Then I open my eyes as the song ends and the adrenaline is leaving my body, I look quickly around the room even though I know you're not here.
I wish you were here.

The monster behind my fears and nightmare will be free and I'll have to start looking over my shoulder again, afraid that he's watching.
A prickling anxiety that when the phone rings or there's a knock at the door that it's him.
I just want to curl up in a hole at the very edge of the world with my tiny human underneath me.
I have this strange feeling, an unsettling feeling that I'm going to die very soon.
As long as that monster is free, I will always feel at the brink of death.
Trapped in my own world, no one must know.
I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't think I can.
I'm sorry to everyone who loves me, but I've made up my mind.

It was my dream where I almost felt your finger tips run along my face, where I almost felt your hand rest on my neck as you stared at me.
My heart clenched with happiness until I realized that this was only a dream. I'd wake up cold and alone soon but I drank every second I had with you.
As you twirled me around the living room floor. Your laugh echoing in my ears and travelling down to the deepest parts of my soul that only you can reach without knowledge.
'Do you think I can do anything?' I murmured when you sat next to me on the stairs.
I closed my eyes wishing just once, I could feel your body pressed against mine. Feel your breath on my ear as you whispered.
'You can do anything you want to'
I rested my head onto your arm.
'I love you' as you faded and then I opened my eyes to darkness, loneliness and the quiet of my room.
You faded but all of the emotions stayed.

During the silent cool nights, the messages being passed back and forth almost daily now,
I still feel as if I'm going to continuously vie for your attention.
'Pick me, pick me' my heart calls out to you but you don't hear.
You say all you can give me is comforting words but all I want is you near.
A tear drop slides down my cheek and I feel the knife digging deeper into my chest, breaking the barriers that I built solely off fear and pride.
I laid it all out on the table for you, piece by piece and now I read words that are in the silence.
Should I have not said that?

This is a declaration of what you mean to me, how you make me feel, and how I hope I make you feel.
This is it; I love you.
I'm so in love with you that it horrifies me sometimes. I'm filled with angst at how badly I want to grab your face and make you listen to the words tumbling out of my mouth; like word *****.
How the deepest and sacred parts of my being is deprived of you, how I deprived myself of everything you give me. What you gave me without having to ask.
This is me, giving you everything I can offer without you knowing and figuring out one day that all along it was you.
In the warm summer nights to the blistering winter blizzards.
You're nestled deeply into my veins and swimming through my blood stream. And it's intense.
What I have is intense feelings.
This is my declaration that I will love you; the person who could make me laugh without even being in the same city as me, who could make the blush appear on my face at the mere thought of your eyes skimming the depths of mine.
That I will love you till the end.

I feel like you're finally done with me, like you're just done with my indecisive mind. My chaotic thoughts and I don't want you to be.
How do I change your mind? Can I change your mind?
Would you even want to change your mind?
Do you even want me anymore?

You make me feel alive, in every single way.
To your continuous jokes to your gentle kisses.
I love having your arms wrapped around me at night and though I never liked cuddling, I love when you cuddle me.
I love how you love my son. I love how you love every single flaw of mine because I love yours too.
And I feel so stupid for ever second-thinking everything.
I want to wake up to you in the early mornings, our bodies next to each other, our messy hair and your grin as you stare at me.
I want your eyes only on me, like I'm this beautiful piece of art. Like I'm the Mona Lisa Smile.
Like the way I look at you, I regret not letting my true feelings out.
Not letting you feel all of the love I harbour for you, not letting you feel every single word that will be tainted in the back of your mind.
I have so much to say, so much I want to tell you.
I just hope you let me say these words and that you let me put my arms around your neck as you push me against the wall to get that first kiss that is long overdue.
I hope you let me love you the way I wanted to.
I love you, so **** much.
All I can really say is;
You had my heart, you have my heart.
We fell apart, let's make a new start.
With just you and I.