i take my coffee in the form of hard candy

because if i drank it
the warmth would remind me too much of you

i wish i could
love the
echo

but it always
leaves me
aching
for the
song

now i know
you wear all that
black
to absorb
all of the
light
and warmth
and color

that no one
ever gave
to you

i'm very afraid
of death

and i don't
particularly
want to drown

but when you look at me
with those eyes...

perhaps i can make
an exception.

tired eyes
drinking a
cold
glass of water

sad eyes
drinking a
hot
cup of coffee

broken eyes
drinking
nothing
at all

i always fancied myself a eurydice
the perfect victim in a perfect tragedy

but you have me feeling like orpheus
and i can't stop wondering if i would have looked back

and i know i would have if you asked me to

i heard that laughing makes you live longer
you make me feel like i could never die

the way i clean my teeth
before i taste your tongue
seems obsolete
because your lips are
muddy with unsaid lies

tomorrow is just a dream
for the lost

i rip open my skin
not much different than i rip the band aids off of it
tossing it aside in much the same way

thirsty for the secrets my body is keeping from me

always a tear
falls
drawn toward the earth

for what is crying,
if not growing

i'll hang on to tomorrow
until my fingers are fiery and blistered
and even then

"my scars are so open."
i say. shaking. tears mixing with the numbness in my eyes.

                                                       "so... not scars, then"
                             you say. uncertain of what to do with someone so...
                                                           ­                ... in shambles

"if not scars, i don't know what to call them."
looking at your polished skin. my irises cracking open.

                                                          ­                "wounds."
                                       ­          as if you know what that word means.

"but wounds would have healed by now. i am not supposed to still be broken. my blood should have scabbed, my skin grown over. the thorns are gone, why not the pain?"
each word growing more quiet. my hands trace the cuts and smears follow my fingers.

                                                      "­are you sure you aren't doing this to
                                                                ­       yourself?"
                                              the pen in your hands hasn't made any
                                 words. i wouldn't know what to write either.

"i put down the knife a long time ago."
memories cascade.

                                                  "no, no. not with a knife made of silver.
                   a blade to make those marks would have to be made of
                                                              ­         thought."
                                  you try to remain patient. it's okay if you don't.

"oh."
and
i
shatter

i might ask her to
go to homecoming with me
but what if she says

i dug my roots
into your soil

deep.

i stretched my limbs
up towards the skies
in your eyes

high.

your kisses
watered me

strong.

but i was just a
****
that you plucked
out of the ground
of your heart

forever.

no one salts my wounds like you
lemonjuice pouring from your eyes
your tongue dripping with expired syrup meant to fill me with ash and guilt

apologies bleed from the aching cuts you made
but you add another skeleton to the closet
and steal away the trusting stars in my eyes
blaming them too

i wish i could look at the sky, but all i see is smoke
from all my fires
you tried to put out with gasoline

hitting save on another task as my spotify playlist sways in the background. my yawn reaches my stomach. my dark circles bring a great contrast to my greyish-bluish eyes. i'm learning french again. maybe because it's supposed to be the language of love and maybe because i want to watch Plein Soleil without subtitles.

it's june still. my ex who said she was still my friend went to a pride parade without me. it's fine, maybe i'll get to wear my colors on my sleeves next june. maybe i'll meet some queers in college. if i ever finish my housing application.

california state university northridge. blissfully away from home, but achingly not far enough. beautiful to it's core and yet i can't shake this churning anxiety in my fingers, in my brain, in my heart. i wish everything wasn't online so maybe this yellow brick road winding me to my future would feel more real.

this town is so ugly. it's not big, not small. it isn't even pretty if you genuinely enjoy the look of washed out suburbs. all the colors are dulled by the sun, and not in the soft pastel way. it's like the skies rained gallons of bleach, if it ever once rained here. this place is full of skeletons hanging on to purgatory.

but i'd suffer damnation if i said i wasn't scared out of my mind about leaving it.

spray paint
on cement walls
honesty
in an art form

someday
i'll tag one of these walls
and you'll hold my paint cans
as we fill our lungs with smoke

missing you is like
resisting the urge to shave my head

sometimes my heart aches a little
when people can't keep up with my growing
like i'm being pulled back to a version of me
that i don't fit anymore, that i don't even know

like when an old friend still gets me things in grey
even though it's not my favorite color
and i was a very sad person when it was

and i blame myself for not showing them enough
this new person that i feel i've grown into

but really, it's nice to look back and see how far i've come
and remember everything that we shared
and if they loved me as a bitter sapling,
they are sure going to love the flowers i've grown this spring
i just hope they take the time to stop and smell them

i say every smoke
is the last one
because it's fun to pretend

but i'm starving for another
and i can't even make believe that it'll be my last

i got my name from an
artist

in love with a picture
of someone he thought he knew

i gave it to myself
because he understands what it's like

to love an idea so much
you fall for the person that gave it to you

i immortalized you
and you don't even know

the only things i never outgrew
were the growing pains

twenty seven candles
unlit
on a cake
with frosting
almost as sweet
as the
girl who lost her breath
with nothing but
sugar on her lips

feelings
[file: move to trash]

items in trash for longer than 30 days will be deleted automatically

[delete forever]
are you sure?

[yes]

you make my
heart burst
and blood is
leaking
all over the
floor

how do
you not
slip
on it?

because i can't
seem to stay
on my feet

i've got two feet and a death wish,
so what's one more fall?

you don't hold me
as tight as
you used to

and i can feel
my pieces
starting to slip
apart

i'm late
to the party

i only keep the
walls company
anyway

i went through seven
outfits
before giving up.
checking the mirror
and crying
at my reflection

brushed my teeth
three times

after throwing up my guts

and you don't
want to
share a smoke
with me

but that's fine
i had one before i came

and it's these nights
when i wonder
why i came at all.

no one
asks me
for anything

so i
make
my stomach
beg

there's someone
inside of me
that is good

but i wouldn't
know them
if they looked
me in the
eyes
and told me
i was
human

graphite scratchings
on trees sliced thin
simple musings
that never win

i didn't have a single wish to make
at 11:11 today

i miss home
it's to dry here
dirt caked
under my fingernails

but you're here

so i'll stand under the showerhead
a little longer
and pretend that it's rain

and by more i don't mean
"i love you more
than you love me"

i mean
"i love you more
and more each day.

i love you more
each time you text me goodmorning
and even more when you whisper goodnight.
i love you more
after every softly stolen kiss and more
after holding your hand across the parking lot.

i love you more
even when you're leaving me
and more when you beg me to come with you

absence
only makes
the heart grow
fonder

not stronger

maybe i like poetry
because i can't commit to things for long

your smile is sweet but i'm trying to find cracks
these kisses taste like honey, but i'm thinking about going vegan

you talk about the future and my tears taste like salt
so you hold me tight to keep them in

but you don't say everything will be okay

her smile was all
that i needed

the laugh tumbling
from her lips
drenched in 'aloha coconut' chapstick
the only thing i allowed myself to
want

without her
i am a hollowed out rind
sitting on the
sidewalk, with
the chalk fading away because of the drizzle
and
no one
to draw in the lines
because she and i
were the only ones
that ever played
hopscotch

you connected the freckles on my arms
with your calligraphy pen
like they were constellations
and i was the night sky

your hand held my arms still as you inked them
and i stopped breathing and started breathing faster at the same time
my mind couldn't remind my head not to fall in love
and my heart was beating in my arms
right under your hand
right under your pen

but the illusion shatters when you say,
don't worry, i torment gwen like this all the time

and i wish it didn't
because ap government is dismal
there's too much reality in there
and i just want to be wrapped up in the idea of you

but that's not fair
so i just stare at the constellations you made of me
and wish they meant something
as i try to stop getting so dizzy around you

i tell myself it works

i wish i could forgive my mother
let go of those bible verses she stabbed me with
but i keep using band aids instead of stitches
and forgiveness feels like a heaven i don't believe in

i wish i didnt flinch away every time she touched me
my mother never hit me, but she never needed to
i still confuse her gentle brushes with pain

i wish i didnt talk to her with gritted teeth
but i have to keep myself from spilling somehow
and if the words come out, im scared they will sound like my inner child screaming
why why why why why why why why
i was just Trying

i was a child
and you wanted me to be a gold star

she told me you cried over me
and i was surprised

i hate that

i see you
behind my eyes

i taste you
in between my teeth

but i can't feel you
beneath my fingers

because this is just a dream

i put my wishes
into the sun
hoping they'd
be granted
in a day

i put my hopes
in the moon
wishing they'd
be fulfilled
in the night

guess it's time
to pop some instant popcorn
and watch my life fall
apart

tw// language. self hate.

do something, do something, do something
*******, waste of space
what are you even doing with your life?

please please just get up
i'll leave you alone if you do something
anything

brush your teeth, please, you smell like death

do something, do something, do something
******* just get up

fourteen missing assignments, and that's just one class
you dumb ******* i hate you

get up
you're the reason for every bad thing that has ever happened

y'know what?
don't do anything
sit there
you're gonna mess up anything you try anyway

are you going to cry now?
of course not. that's doing something.

don't go to sleep

your lungs could collapse right now
you could die
no one promised you forever
you only get a now
and you're spending it on your twin sized bed
might as well be in a coffin
you ******* waste of decomposable matter

do something, do something, do something

your comfort movie is three hours long
and it makes you cry so hard you get a headache,
but you watch it so much you have every line memorized.
does anything about that seem even a little bit healthy?

you think all of your friends find you annoying
but they don't want to hurt your feelings
so you don't go to them when you need to

it's so hard to belong anywhere
why don't you belong anywhere?

you've had this poem in your drafts for months
not knowing what to say
the other one was so bad
but it didn't really get that much better

i know you wanted it to get better

but i won't apologize
because i was ******* right

i won't get better until you do
and right now you just surround yourself with people
who don't want to love you all the way
and you do things that you know will leave you exhausted
because you think that people will want you
if you just did more things
do you see where this is going?

because i can tell you that you're going to end up burned out
and full of regret so heavy that you'll drown
i can say over and over again that you're wasting your time
and everyone else's time

and i'd be right
because you're doing everything for the wrong reasons
you're keeping people around for the wrong reasons

but i can't do anything
because i'm just the sick ******* in your head
putting you through hell
so it doesn't seem as bad when you get there

you don't have to listen to me
but i can see the ******* future

and you don't get better until i do
and right now the people that surround you
don't love to want you all the way
and you exhaust things that you know will leave you
because you do things
that people think of wanting

do i see where this is going?

you did nothing for me
and yet i'm still here immortalizing you
why can't i give it up?
i held on to loving you for so long
but now i'm just holding on to hating you

let me let go

all the poems i wrote you were exaggerations
to make up for the love you never gave me
i can admit that now

sure, the 'i love you's were on your lips
but your kisses tasted like, '*******'s

you never listened to me
you never listened to the songs i asked you to
you never set up your ******* voicemail

you broke up with me over text. while i was with my family. in utah. having panic attacks every day. telling you about them. see above: you never listened to me.

i'm sick. sick of you. sick of this.
you're over it. my mind is over it. why isn't my heart?

i'm done coming up with metaphors for you
for how much you took and never gave
i'm done making excuses for you, and taking the blame
and i'm not going to do the 'just friends' thing with you
if you're going to tell our friends to cut me off
and smile at me like nothing happened
smile like two years took nothing from you

and i guess they didn't

you wanted to kiss me
i just wanted to kiss
i feel guilty, but not enough i guess
i keep kissing
and you keep kissing me