this feeling that thrives
neither dead nor alive
is not something
to be taken lightly,

a cardinal sin
with no near end
begins, and there is
mostly
ruin left

for you and yours.
this feeling is different,
mostly if you let it,
like scraping down
the side of an
aluminum can

that's skyrocketing
towards some other
dimensional

depth, neither
approachable
nor
within the realm
of touch.

Moving from zone to zone
My sense of home now
Carries your scent.
I walk along
The dimmed sun rays and
Find a new feeling in the morning dew.
A feeling unfamiliar, uncomfortable
Yet similar to the only thing
I’ve ever wanted sits with me
In the living room.

My feet remember the feeling of gravel,
Of jagged stone caught, scratching skin.
They recall carrying me along,
Fluttering freely with the wind at my back.
I've learned that
Love is like the loose gravel
That gets caught in between your toes.
It is the wind that pushes you along.
Other times it is like a vine
Intertwining with another in cosmic symbiosis.
Sometimes it is like cheap linen that bleeds
Its color when it is washed negligently.
Sometimes love crackles like a cat in your lap.
Sometimes love is a sleepless night.
Love is like drinking enough water
Before you fall asleep drunk.
It is also waking up with a permanent marker
On your face, because you fell asleep drunk.

Sometimes love is like plunging your feet
Deep into the soil.

But most importantly, love is close enough
To being led home safely by moonlight.

The green beans let out a sigh. Their
Fear simmering in their salt. At
That moment, that sigh gave in to
A similar fear, the fear of one very
Unfortunate group of coffee beans,
Next to be ground up and drank, right
In front of their brethren, who will
Also sigh in fear because there is
Nothing else that they can do
But sigh in fear. At that point,
The man, the monster that causes
Beans to sigh in fear, drinks the
Blood of those beans that sigh,
Those beans that fear, and he
Himself will sigh in contentment,
In a lack of fear, because he has
No idea that he himself is nothing
More than a bean, not actually
Any greater than a green bean,
A coffee bean, or just about any
Other kind of bean; the only
Real difference is that man is
The only bean that affords the
Luxury of exercising presence of
Mind to choose how and when
They sigh; in the face of fear, or
Reveling in their complete and total
Lack of general acknowledgment.

Sun-bathed
Self-shame
Emulating the

Silk phantom of your flesh

Wind is whispering through
These orange trees,
The distance of touch
Now fermenting in the grove,

Breathing in
Air heavy in wanting,
Singing the shape
Of the blossoms that sit
Static
In their pretty graves

I long to be lost within that labyrinth,
The eternity from ear to ear,
Painting the walls within your mind,
Striking deeper crimson,
Mixing in our black-blue hours,

Embracing
Another voice to haunt,
A feeling to hunt down
And set free,
Another cold crack in my smile

A crackling like the brittle bones
You break and warm yourself
With, as snow piles around you,
Following the soft footsteps
That echo like the memory of a storm

Dragging time away,
You left a blizzard in your wake

But now I feel as though I gained a friend
In this shivering that holds me so close

The flickers of the
Eternal flame
Casts shadows on
The time constraints
Of some systematic
Mortal frame

Hunger pangs sing
At the communal table,
Sustenance flayed
In feast and famine
There is nothing
To sustain but
The feeling of the wind
On tired flesh

Flesh brimming with
The tepid waters
Of experience,
Rippling, rolling,
Until

The feeling of release,
The air sapped from
The bones of the
Weak and the rich
In delicate symphony

Igniting
Evaporating

The combustion
Of every musical note
A firestorm of
Crystallized tears
Turns the air to gold,
To blood, to ash

Night will always
Find us there,
Returned and familiar,
Shapeless and
Unafraid, crawling

Ever towards
The undertow,
The unfaltering
Flicker and glow

Traces eternity
In silence,

In starlight
We lay our burdens low

It doesn’t
Have to be
A negative thing

Just because
It doesn’t make
Sense (yet)

Right?

‪consciousness ‬
‪the chemical reaction ‬

‪the growing of trees ‬
‪and the silent cascade‬

‪of hardened browned‬
‪leaves, dropped to their knees

nana gave me cash
for gas--bless her heart--and still
i spent half on Pabst

look at how we squander it

essence, pulse,
all perfect fits

the meanings, feelings

senses filled
we project *****

hatred and ill-will

what does that say
about a kind, that

sifts in its own ****

to calm its mind
while making a break

towards some horizon

but just imagine being
beyond, any need to

feel shallow belong

oneness,  one wholly
you whole thing

to bring whole one

feeling within, the
shallow makings

of humanity, in this

perpetual state
of apathy

Static still void slowly
Reveals through blurred
Lines and smeared paints

The figure of love or some-
Thing familiar enough. I sit
Suspended between two

Languages, indebted to
Different philosophies, and
At any given time I find

Teeth loosed from my mouth
As they are ripped out; sour
Taste of an omen ever

Present on my taste buds,
Ever scraping my knee
Caps as I fall to them

In some rapture, I bleed
My youth on dusk bathed
Blacktop of the school

Yard. I see towering womanly
Love, a monument to shake
Foundation, almost completely

Out of view, piercing overcast
Skies, yet not taking any
Clouds with it. I sit on ornate

Carpets of kebabs & half
Filled tea cups, stomach
Deep in some obscure

Fear of my desires. The dog
That loves me most of all
Is never allowed inside

The house. He sits valiantly
Outside, chained to a
Watermelon tree. Heavy

Heavy things all around me,
All things light and
Soft, even in sleep stasis

Feel ever as ever
Out of reach; beyond even
The scope of my dreams.

I check the clock knowing time, 
at least, won't lie—
Two hours past 3
And that place down the alley isn’t open

The sun shines brighter than ever,
The strained pavement is hot and
Covered in cigarette butts

The garage door is locked 
And any sense of sanctuary now locked behind it

I turn back, resigning myself to
Burying my thoughts alive
Deep beneath the workday

The time passes,
All-too-many pores sweat and my
Back hurts like my stomach drops flat

I step outside this familiar prison and collapse
At the feet of lunar light surrounding me,
Bats whirl overhead and
My heart races faster and faster

Ivory, delicate ivory,
Clutching the silly purple sweater
That I remember you smiling to see me in

Head now down to the floor and
This same silly sweater becomes a metaphor 

These fabrics of your absence
Caress my tired flesh

There was a time where I counted
Weeks by kisses on the cheek

And
Not quite butterflies but similar insects,
Though they didn’t have wings,
Could be felt whirring through my nerve endings,
Their presence at the pit of my anxieties,
Squirming through the muck

But now my feelings fill that space
In its current state, damp and muddy
Left in the wake of sensations past
Something beyond the spoken word

Between what is known and unknown

A question without an answer, the
Suspended seconds before free fall

The eye of the hurricane or
The voice trapped within a ringing phone

Something that exists before it’s realized
Chaining two things together
Existing only in its own negative space

And now
A familiar feeling finds me
In the midst of my focus fading,
Car parked in the same old spot

But only now do I realize how foreign this land is, how
Impossible it is to reach from where you last smiled at me

This silly purple sweater wraps
Me tightly with what refuses to exist,
I'm drowning in the this feeling of
The only time you'll ever hold me

These savage fabrics at my lips and throat
Smother me with the affection
That you never in my half-life will have

Clawing precious time;
Making sure your name's spelled right;
I think I love you.

Sick with second guessing
The bitterness is back

Beyond any classification
I'm exhausted of it all

Long past petty five steps
I've sat outside long enough in the cold
To know it doesn't get any warmer

Nostalgia's rough grasp
Clasped about my neck
I feel more and more
With every forced breath

And the more I feel the less I know
It all leads to the inexplicable
The redundant and
The impossible to reconcile

Loneliness infatuated
With this idea of the unknown
Through some lust manifests
Into a dire fear of being alone

And that fear carries forward
Incessant debasement

And all the best advice I've ever heard
Is now drowned out by the rainfall

Dripping drops of memories
Seep into wounds still being licked
With a wincing at the past
While bracing myself for the crash

There was somewhere lifetimes ago
When a warmth was prevalent enough

But all that feels like fantasy now

Some sick obsession with comfort

The idea of
Being yearned for

Thought of

Touched, kissed
Dreamed

Breathed

All things senseless yet
Fulfilling for the senses
Creating some
Sense of belonging

It's all slipping, sliding
Moving out of view

Writhing and shaking
My body shivers
Off any remaining
Icicles of doubt

I know the bitterness is back

I know the rain will keep falling harder

And right now, try and try as I might,
I just can't get this **** cigarette to light

Well, of course it does, in a way

With your hands clasped in idleness,
Chained behind your back in surrender,
Your will evaporates
While you bask in hollow falsity

& without any will left to materialize
Itself into an immovable object,

What is left to hinder the onslaught
Of the unstoppable forces
We have to face every day?

I breathe in the ocean waves

The rolling and tumbling of my feelings
Echo the flickering lights above me

Dim and dimmer

Sea breeze sings to me
As the moon cradles me in my
Wondrous lonely

I am within sure embrace;
I am overtaken by the waters

Lights flicker till I can only
Feel dimmest in her moonlight

Do I dream or wake?
Where now has my spirit gone?

Somewhere, out there,
Dancing with the night sky,
Arm to eye, hand to cheek

I lay ever still

The ocean waves breathe me

Even now I see your face:
That strained yet honest smile,
The deadened twinkle in your eyes
Your deliberate words and style

I've known you for many lives
I felt it in our strolling miles
Brothers for longer than time
I'll see you in a while

Astronomical solitude

Pinpointing the proximity
Between you and everyone else

The biting cold the perfect compliment
To the warmth that never felt so lacking

It's the most lonely time of the year

I made you something pretty
The only way that I know how

And if only it could but a reflection
Of the beauty you emanate
The earth around would shine brighter than the sun
In the glory of your resplendence

I stabbed my emotions into computer keys

I projected my innermost desires onto a white screen

I shivered in repose as the world outside my window grew colder
And I warmed myself with your memory

I was foolish to think I could convey
The cathartic rush of my soul experiencing your own

There are no words for something so otherworldly
Something from the eternal
Something beyond all reason and limitation

I tried best I could to capture your essence
To crystallize all I'll know of you in poem

But there is no reconciliation with the impossible

That poem is gone and the introspection with it

I'll be the only one who knows how deeply I feel for you

There will never be a sufficient way to explain

an interesting development
this festering sense of irrelevance
even though all things are irrelevant
and nothing stays the same

there is no real cure for pain
no true shelter from the rain
the hunger and the sadness pangs
the dropping water soaks our brains

and no words can even dare to claim
the glory held within your name
when it's all that i can say
to take the floods and fears away

there's no certainty but touch
whether is soothes or hurts too much
all lives in darkness otherwise
there's no truths beheld in tired eyes

there's no hope but hope for hope's sake
as hard a pill it is to take
but braving the bitter now
makes it easier to wash it down

so heart first I charge the night
with nothing near or dear to hold tight
but with open arms one must charge on
transcribing nightmares into song

so drink and eat and feel we must
in cities accumulating rust
to live and be in uncertainty
and smile in the face of misery

to embrace in unforgiving cold
while time drains the world of soul
there is no secret to our fate
there's no longer a reason to wait

let us be closer, let us be true
lift me up and i'll carry you
for there's not much more we can do
but wither slow and let our hearts burn through

I'm higher now because of you
& the lows subside because of you
My feelings are fresh, senses renewed
I woke up smiling because of you

Sunlight is brighter in these eyes
That have since been stolen within your gaze
Music is sweeter, the mundane is song
The air around is charged all day long

Nothing makes any more sense
But the unknown is no longer the enemy
It is an acquaintance of mine
I shake its hand with eagerness

I look to the stars
I confide in the darkness around
In whispering moonlight I hear your voice
I am filled with warmth

Wherever it comes from,
Wherever it's going
Is not for me to ascertain

I only wish to keep this warmth with me
As long as it sees fit to soothe

I only ask you to warm your hands
Interlocked within my own

I long only to learn how well they fit
In between spaces I can create for you

I want you to teach me,
I am willing to learn

my Love was back
now it's gone again

in any path of orbit
Gravity always wins

It's almost redundant
When the needle breaks skin

Art creating art
Defined by hair tied-up
And a mastered craft

Deliberate movements
Of a wrist near broken
Through creative necessity

Many strive to create
Most feel obligated
To spread influence

But there is a something
Different, something strange
In the way one endures the pain

It takes to make
A canvas blank transform
Into something more

Only made tangible
By your will and your
Martyred time

There is something
Incredible
About redundancy

Witnessing art
Self-sufficient

The creative forces
In front of me

And I know that when you call
You won't have me at all in mind
And that's fine, that's fine

There are other more
Important things
To talk about this time

You did not ask
For me to exist
And trust me neither did I

So swallow your shallow
Obligation
To bring that fact to mind

That lamentation, as it was,
Heard for centuries above
Has told of the glory and the loss
Among the other needless costs

In it now I find a friend and foe
Here in the belly, the undertow,
The phantom crashes, deep bellows,
Fiery lights made palpable

A static tension in the air
Breeding pain, doubt and despair
Multiplies, exemplifies,
Heavy hearts and saddened eyes

But it's necessary for
Harboring coming downpour
Floods crashing through ***** streets
Wipe clean the mark of entitled feet

Rejuvenation in desolation

And when wandering your gardens
I stopped to appreciate every flower
You sang me along, flowers seemingly
Growing where you walked

Magnificence made my breathing heavy
I longed so very much to sing with you
But I could not breathe,
I could not make a sound

The rain is falling now
With arms full of tulips and the idea of you
I'm carried outside myself
By the scent still left in your wake

Intimacy in isolation

There is something to be gained
Sitting lonely in the rain

Wrapped within nature's grasp
Unifying present and past

I've now only in this weather
Visions of these gardens brought to wither

The vibrant mind of springtime
Knocked unconscious in the winter

Anywhere the sun leads you
The clouds are sure soon to follow

But you'll be far from daunted

There will be more gardening tomorrow

Plastic bottles
Of cheap *****
Ceremoniously laid
On top the dirt

Faded red deterioration
Decorating human sin
The plastic as much
A human construct
As the forces driving those
To drink the poison within

Our kind is found among
The freshly fallen leaves,
Blanketing decomposition,
Suspended in between what
Is known of a detached life
Gracefully succumbing to nature

Our character is in the mulch,
It is in the metamorphosis

Our hopes and fears hidden
Within the actions that define us

Scattered about the ground
In the honor of days now drowned
In fermented angst

Plastic human sin
Cheap ceremony
These are the things
We choose to be

But we are so much more

Something flows in the wind that blows
vibrations transform the world around.
But not all souls are so privileged to know

The subtleties of a force so profound.
Dancing among the molecules
Of oxygen and light and sound,

Value surpassing precious jewels.
A present in its present state,
Presented to wise man and fool,

A gift to he who contemplates.
Sun shimmering about the world external
new sense of warmth now radiates

Gently, inwards it flows eternal,
To semblance of peace does it return you.

And songs beautiful as young blind love,
Jingle, whistle, over distant hill
Mirroring the plains and stars above.

Birds are creatures that instill
A sense of wonderment and pleasure.
Sat on branch in forest, or on windowsills,

Knowing not their beauty in its measure.
Having no sense of pride or vanity
unaware they possess the richest treasures,

Their song will become my own eventually.
Melodies so immense, simple and moving,
Like darkness now envelop me.

Mother night so welcoming and soothing,
In your embrace I banish all my brooding.

all that time and care
to look and act like we don't
have the time to care

There was a feeling that found me
in the midst of focus fading
a shimmering within the sun rays
caressing then worn-out skin

something of acceptance
similar to fulfillment
resembling a happiness &
transcending physicality

companionship in the lack of it
whole souls acknowledging
sorrows, the ebb and flow
of the highs and lows

there was for a moment a stillness
a lack of all movement that
cradled the imagery of  
static serenity before me

and as they inevitably faded
there was some comfort in knowing
a part of me forever resides
in the clasp of such experience

A loneliness sought me out again
drunken stupor with tongue of silk
coerced me willfully along
one very treacherous road

tender hand willingly reached
for one poor in spirit
the shackles of melancholy breached-
shattered- from the force of soft caress

in spite of the distance that loomed
there was closeness that bloomed
under the silver moonlight
audible in approving sighs

coalescence of energy, vibrant
colors spreading outward from
a heart and mind once so sure
that they'll only ever see grey

time within a memory
crystallized
and a spark to the kindling
within cold eyes

new warmth circulating
soon to create
a fire to cleanse
frostbitten exterior

but the forces of
nature will *****
out ambitious
flame impartially

and the feeling of fire
fades away with
the smoke, the memory
already one with the weather

&
Now what finds me is the storm

in the rain slouches
the silhouette
of a comfort so
soon now forgotten

the wind howls a name familiar
it carries with it the scent of a nightmare
sensation dances with the
the sting of near frozen air

I find a feeling not so foreign now
dragging me farther
out into
the wilderness

processing humbling
surroundings
i'm now left in
solitary wonder

where have I wandered?
how will I weather impending storm?

if I am long lost in unforgiving cold
will it then
be too late
when warmth finds me once more?

about only five
or so
thoughts will go by
till some semblance
of you
conquers my mind

rainbows and nightmares
in your hair
it flows hypnotic
from here to there

oh, darling, how it flows
like rivers within daydreams
pure beauty transposed

I stop and think
on your face a while

there are constellations
in your smile

precious pearls
to further accent
the vivid colors you
represent

you've since floated in
underneath my skin

& I like you there

moments are now shallow
as they go by

pleasure since hollowed
if you're not beside
me

& that's alright

I sense you in the night air

I conjure your closeness
to combat my despair

fervently feverish,
wanting
you there

I'd sleep in the street
if it would earn me a glare

I reach out for your embrace

I will be soothed back into
my longing dream state

your colors now paint
the night around

& soon the sound
of your name

whispered

rattles my brain

& I'm left with only
my longing

I'll yearn for you
just the same

the scent of cold
in the air
pine needles press
against
sensitive skin

nauseating sentimentality
returns with
wanting to see you again

loneliness has come once more

the bite in the air
mimics
the similar nipping at my heart

with the drop in temperature
comes a lowering of defenses
i am overcome by vulnerability
i feel so many things i've ignored
for half a year or more

why must things be this way?
i'm invigorated by the cold,
i am human in my shivering
in this loneliness there is
love i've yet learned to embrace

just like i feel the air around
you've completely enveloped me
though just as the cold
knows not who she caresses,
you hold no particular favor for me
your embrace will permeate
absolutely and impartially,
it is far too vast for i

i've yet to feel the tingle
of sweet summer on my skin

i've reveled only in winter
now i long for you to let me in

i shiver in my longing
dreaming only of your warmth

there's a certain kind of romance
in the turmoil you've brought forth

i'd ask for more if
you'd hear me say
things of depth and circumstance
in ways i can't convey

within earshot
i would hear the whispers
from a divine warmth
underneath sheets
near-silent songs
of how you
think you could love me

arms length could
have us close enough
to hear hearts beating
between the both of us

rain storms
bringing closer
rhythmic patterns
with the drops
skin serene
& soft

but impartial is the universe
our minds distractible
our feet hardly
ever on the ground

& these words i write
could never capture
the essence i dream you portray

these miserable hands
that lament loss
of a thing yet even obtained

they don't know how
to grasp gently enough
the hands of grace
& divine warmth

when i feel lonely
i'll conjure your caress

it was time hardly spent
but well spent nonetheless

something reenergizing flows
do you feel it? can you sense it now?
the air carries scent
of optimism, the
faint hint of brighter tomorrows
bells and chimes- rustled gently,
swayed by our Mother Earth's
graceful twirls-
sweet peaceful rhythmic
vibrations in perceivable distance

birds are curious creatures
they sing so beautifully
though their beauty is
not known to them
this wind rings in my ears
the birds that are singing
now intertwined with it
their melody has become my own
yet they do not know the soul
they've shown such beauty to
they do not know it any more
or any less than they are
aware of their gift
they just are

and so like the winds
and so like my friends
who gift beauty to grace
the flow of energy
i will be but one
with the breeze & flow,
i will intertwine
so graciously with the gift
i will transcend
                           i will be

Left to wonder where
the feeling comes from

sitting with a turning
stomach, brimming
with last night's
bad choices

I went home
with loneliness again

I wake to see her
turned away from me

Loneliness has been
my constant companion
the one I know
I should be leaving
yet I sit with her in
self-induced exile

I won't ever be
the first to say it
it's in hand and mind
but I won't acknowledge that

where is the voice to whisper
my wishes & give flight
to a fleeting feeling?

where is the softness to soothe
where it hurts?

The stomach pains will go
away as surely as they
will come back again

But my soul suffers open
wound
bitterness keeps sickness
sustained
though more so
I need the assurance
the comfort

oh, loneliness,
your hair in bloom
upon the pillow cases

my frail hands are grasping
onto whatever they can
they are losing their grip
on the tangible

loneliness, my love,
why do you turn from me?

Shaking arms longing for
warm body go unsatisfied
they only hold own weaknesses

they cradle nothing more
than what isn't there

missing stupid
little things

room for two
comfortable
familiar

I find myself
missing
the littlest
things

not
empty words,

****** favors,

tally marks
of headaches
instigated &
insinuated-

i dream of
willingness to
sit in silence

loving a stranger
who feels every
day like new
kindred spirit

eyes wander
eyes erupt
emaciate
& emancipate
soul from body

the gentle
presence
blanketing
my hands

kisses across
collar bones

blissful negligence

I miss it more
than I could ever anticipate

those nights still matter
who would have thought?
there was blooming flower
amongst the rot

who would have thought
you'd make your way
leading me along
the sweet decay

you were so serene
I don't know, I mean,
the whole scene seemed
ripped from that one good dream

I felt your body
I knew it's contours
I traced your silhouette
colored inwards & outwards

I miss that feeling
it was something else
I was okay with my place
amongst your shelf

from within your shelter
I so sensed your center
awed at flower-wrought archway
I craved to enter

intention never ever resembles
any mention of any pieces assembled
the fine lines I've acknowledged
I'm scanning within the middle

I've since longed to be with you
within you without you

there is a feeling
fleeting
i mean
there was
something
on my mind

it lumbered in
without
greeting
and sat
wherever
it deemed fine

there was
meaning
i meant
to bring
with me to what
is here & now

but answers
elude me
i'm left with what
that thinking
did allow

it's never
anything
good or
helpful
it's mostly dreadful
and bathed in doubt

yet i wander
wonder & ponder
what all
this feeling
is about

it won't make anymore
sense, it won't it won't
and that's fine that
it won't, it won't, it won't

that's fine that it won't
i'll force myself afloat

you'll see me heel & toe
with the undertow

i'm reaching for touch
i ask for too much

i will find complete peace
in the sun & snow