I won't tell you what
you deserve
that is not my place
less even my business

but it's clear what
you desire
I feel those things
occupying your mind

I want to be the
comfort you seek
but you see, time
hasn't been kind

you have no part in
what transpired,
those pretty reasons
I'm bitterly inspired,

now that for once
I'm desired, why when
I've been denied
would I deny her?

you tell me that it's hard
and the news falls soft
on deafened ears &
a hardened heart
brimming with fears

I know you will be missing
something, you don't have
to utter a word, no sound
needs to be made
the silence resounds
our essence will stay

I won't tell you it's hard
rivers flow no second-
thought, clouds will
neutralize the day, rain
falls drop by drop,
the wolf hunts
and kills its prey

I'll smile on the garden
where you planted
plenty pretty flowers
the same tender
hands that tended
to me in our hours
the way we swayed
the way you towered
over me and myself
shaking beside me,
I will remember you

the light in the women's
bathroom stays on, always
24 hours a day

why is it never
safe to be a woman?

I grow to despise all
which bring tears to my eyes

it's happened too many times now

I want nothing but your nonexistence
no happiness or sadness

just nothingness

I want apathy, I want disinterest
I want permanently handicapped empathy

I'll get there eventually

I'm losing faith that there's such
thing as hope, or faith for that matter

it's all drab around here, really

I try to pacify my bitterness
but my bitterness pacifies me

I'm taunted by the irony

I've lost count of the times
I've been made to feel so foolish

I'm getting used to being embarrassed

All you well-to-do women
with whatever is in your head

Keep respectable distance

your energy is better spent
on one who won't slowly with time

unravel at your feet

I can agree there's a lot to
hate about those who you pity

the ones who feel as I do

you see them vulnerable and
you feel in control and powerful

it disgusts you that you had no choice

you'll soon loathe as I do
and your niceness will be tarnished

I'll loathe all even more

I feel no sensations other than
some exhausted discontent

it becomes your true companion

I welcome it all at this point
there's no point to finding a point

maliciousness just exists, I guess

you or I are no exception
I know I'm feeling quite awful

I want to share my suffering

but it's for me and only me
my one and only property

my holy suffering

I'll carry it with me
exclusively

I cannot be one with this world
I won't adhere to what it requires
It shall be forced to my own will,
or I will exile myself willingly

with my suffering,
in pursuit of the only thing
I am truly entitled to

the bitterness is debilitating
and normally i'd fix that
with my writing but it's
writing that is making me
more bitter about it all

it isn't easy being a fraud
desperate for a place
longing for a practice
a hobby or whatever else

i look upon approving audience
when i dream, when i dream
i am accepted as a poet
separate from paralyzing falsities

but when i write i'm just a number
a broad categorization of where
my "art" is aimed
i sound like so many others that
sound so much like myself

will i ever transcend my
limitations? will there ever be
depth to what i have to share?

i don't change lives i just change minds

when i write i'm just a number

my eyes are heavy

I can't tell you why but
I miss you

there's something wrong
here, your time has
long passed

but even now I think
of taking off your gown

I feel the lace in between
my fingers
my hands against still
impossibly smooth skin
legs that never touched
the ground, legs I hoped
would lead me to forever

your curls rolling down
your shoulders, dangling
between us, connecting
our faces, the fragrance
of beauty itself clasped
between every strand
cascading from your silhouette

tenderness raining
love willing
fear subsiding
you envelope me

in this near-dream state
with the morning sun
pouring in through the
window, my soul is
still wrapped up beyond
with that transcendence
a lovely mistress

I feel you closer than I
ever have before
even when you were
close literally so

what intense longing

what a strange morning
it's been already

give me some sort
of interaction
I find myself now
yearning for it so

I'm lonely it's no
secret, no surprise
and certainly no
blessing, no dream
nor nightmare
unleashed upon me

I can't tell you what
that could mean

I wouldn't know what
to do with you if I had
you, sympathetic lady

I don't know much of
anything anymore, I've
yearned so fully lately

I need some feeling to
distract my mind from
the things I've seen

there is necessity
in my yearning, the
warped clarity it brings

I need the touch of
a woman

I'm tired of the scratch
of any other girl

batted eyelashes, pretty
lashes on trusting backs
it's all anticlimactic

yet I'm still so confused
by women

enigmatic woe-
catalysts

flowers bloom
in their step
cradling art
in their wake

I wish I could lie
pacified with a soft
warmth at my side

till the weight, gently
lifted from my back
sets upon my eyes

ah, love

I grow so bored with
feeling lonely

I'm so exhausted
with never knowing

your arms wrapped around
his neck
i want your tender hands
at my throat

these things cause
gravity to befall me
while you, falling,
float and float

my stomach drops
differently today
not to be confused
with the way i drowned
sorrow these past days

that's a rumble all its
own, a problem I'll
address when the only
one that matters
right now is subdued

my stomach hurts
differently today
i don't feel spurned
i don't feel good
& i'm trying to learn
what it is exactly
you're teaching me

the experience does
nothing for me
but leave me empty
hollowed, vulnerable
what is it exactly
you're teaching me?

i know only of the way
that my stomach,
drowned in the sorrows of
past days, drops
a little
differently today
it hurts a little
differently today

"a girl can dream"
you said
it's obscene
how badly I yearn
for you to be
separate from a screen

you're miles away,
miles and miles,
but you keep me up at night

dearest, this is more of nightmare
than a dream, I apologize

I'm spewing drunken stupor

but God ******,
you're not any less prettier

& I don't wish any less
to collapse those miles
upon the embrace
of us two when allowed

unfortunately, though,
the distance remains constant

and that distance
is constantly reminding
how much happier I could be
if you were here next to me

who knows what I mean
who knows what's you feel
but I'm telling you now
this yearning is real

there will be a chill in the
morning when I wake

in honor of you,
out in your winter state

you are art at work
in a wild world

I wait and wait
to experience you for real

i'm all sorts of inebriated
but you need to know something

i think i love you
and it's funny

i know nothing of you,
you're far above me

but i think about those
words you write,
every day
and every night

how do you do it, dear?
how do you make such
beauty so?

i read my tears
and fears and all

there on the page
in front of me

& your signature
is signed at the bottom

i know nothing of you
but i love you

and i would tell you if
i could

but i have nothing but
this mediocre chorus

drenched in the harmonies
of my heart and mind

and it will forever pale,
always fall short

you are a poet
i am a fraud

yet regardless,
i know only the shadow
of your profile,

& the singular
heart that colors
in the black &
white lines

regardless,
i love you so
and you need to know

a jester for a messenger
such irony fate practices

and as i numb the mind-
less banter of one i would
rather hate, i'm lost in
vague recollection of you

there's nothing special
about a bar
archers with no sense of
aim, arrows falling short
of the mark, passive
sadomasochists drinking
away some sort of pain

you floated around the room
and you knew my name
after the first time i came
around that place nearly insane

i felt memorable

i will remember you

i'd like to think every
little pill stood testament
to that pain you dealt
with every day
you will not suffer
defeat in solemnly
slow decay

there's things you can
explain away and much
more still that you can't
there is no real answer
& that much is only that

you took the pain you
faced daily with graceful
stride and i can't wrap
my head around the fact

but that is only and only that

the veil is softly thrown over
the guiding light that failed

you've created my song

you deserve your rest

I made a mistake
I'll say it

You lit up
comfortable darkness

and I traded that light
for one that I knew

without fathomable
doubt

would fade into
unforgiving black

you were much too
woman for me anyhow

but it is you
who will keep this
soul from growing
bitter

a world of mirrors

I'll be happy with
your reflection

the thought of you
is tangible

in spite of the fairer
of the sexes

there was nothing
artificial about you

I held beauty in
my arms

in spite of what
I thought was ideal

being infinitely out
of longing grasp

the obvious tragedy
torment me torment me
light rain to torrent
puddle to sea
it lines up so
perfectly

these are just some
lines in place of those
I'd rather have led
up my nose
or is it lead?
oh well, who knows
there's sun draping
the flowers that grow

that is what should be
the focus now, those
flowers literally
let it resound
they reach pretty finger
into the ground
embrace the earth
let it resound

the goal is to rise far
above, the putrid petty
pushes and shoves
a pitying glance from
the woman you love
your pride, starved for
romance, worn like
a glove

it's reachable in some
context, though those
roads aren't
illuminated yet
but they lay still
tread-able and you
have able step
light your own way
illuminate yet

it's hard to convey
the meaning, of
this whole mess
feelings and things
I myself don't know
what good it brings
this whole mess
feelings and things

I wish to be repulsed by you
like those few angels before
how easily I dismissed their
care, ignored how they implored

I'd give all to be filled with contempt
but you can do no wrong
your judgment and criticisms
in my heart turn into song

the sky won't turn blue in
spite of you, it will slowly fade to gray
there is comfort in the darkness
of the shadows of brighter days

I don't know what it is that makes me yearn
for a caress and sure sentence to burn

your hair hanging over
over your face
I looked up at you
you were the sun
you were the moon
I saw stars in
your pretty complexion
galaxy swirls beneath
your eyelids

your tender hand
traces tender wound
it hurt but my heart
delighted, skipped,
there was no other
closeness such as that

the transition of body
temperature, tempering
unspoken songs
there is a care out there,
in the vast, beautiful
emptiness of space

it's all consuming and
I admire it so, it's omni-
present and powerful
the bandage is the
symbol, is the bond,
is the willingness to
heal, is the willingness
to grow stronger and
it can be nothing at all

it's still so wonderful

the connection is
the interaction is
the chain reaction
of all those things
so wonderful and
I want you to know
how wonderful
you really are

O kaptain

this ship is out of control
I've never felt
so sick at sea
and it's all so wonderful

the stars are swirling
waves are crashing
the tide is running high

the salty breeze
on wounded knees

and sickness
soon to subside

across the unforgiving sea
you are wherever I will roam

this ship is a feeling
a mansion, prison

& it's the closest thing to home

for the love of whoever
is listening at this hour

there is a sickness that
I'm stricken with

It's not in cough or
runny nose,

no body aches or
pains or physicality

it is an absence of
your beauty

that keeps me up &
has me stricken since

you flooded long
drought suffered

land, with piercing
look and
outstretched hand

there is new life
forming and flowing

it's all thanks to you,
you know

I want to be bitter,
but I so desperately

want you so much
nearer

humor me. please.
let me believe that you
actually want me.

what is it, exactly,
that you're doing?

I'm talking to you,
universe

how am I to take
what's happening?

I bare crooked teeth
still through all

I feel so warm &
wanted

yet so wholly
rejected

I need whispers
in my ear

sweet messages
to hold me

when there's no
refuge near

what at last is
the scheme here?

there's a rug
somewhere,

set to be ripped
from under me

but that's how
these things go

like spring snow

the way that the
wind blows

all of those
spectacles

into observable
formation

I want to understand

I'm not ready yet

something is wrong here
i don't know the snow
but there is a reason for
it's return, there must be

the pale faces carelessly
scattered about, smacking
pavement with haunting
heads obscured and
influenced by the severely
storming winds

i've learned to find reason in the mundane

though i don't know how that translates
into uncharacteristic weather patterns

i want what i'm after
i'm distracted by crystal orbs of longing
i want my tires to skid out from under me
i want to be buried in snow

there's a reason it falls now
i'll happily crawl to my end
though i shiver i long for more
i'll freeze but i need it
i've awakened in a snowstorm

i must embrace frozen fate

you're in my system
leaving your mark
on all my innards
and body parts

I'm hoping that with
this drink to my lips
I can drown & purge
the throne on which you sit

coffee permeates a room
in a peculiar way
like rain through an open
window in the winter

the sound of your heels
hitting the floor rings
like my brain pounds away
at the walls of my skull

my stomach hurts and
the phantom of you
is easing the pain,
I feel a tender hand
upon my skin
but it isn't enough

it's not that feeling
of my lips on yours

it's not the circumference
of the pleasure principle
found with the arms
around the waist

I long with greed and
beg with need and I
am a sitting duck to
the sort of woman
who looks and acts
a lot like you do now

I don't think you realize
just what you have done

what a time to be alive

you see me licking my wounds
& I see you creating new ones

what incredible timing

drunk on company, on beer
and the "holiday cheer"

but that's not what it sounds like

we all got pretty ******,
it's a surprise I didn't *****

the room kept spinning

it was the holidays, though
and there was certainly cheer

my ears were ringing

oddly enough though, I
accepted it as a blessing

I can't fight against time

time is beautiful in the way it indiscriminately destroys

I'm not one to resist beauty

it's so chaotic and it makes
absolutely no sense at all

but it takes you places

I couldn't find the sea and
beauty led me there

even though life is loss

you get used to it and those
terrible beautiful things

can fill the cracks in your being
if you let them seep through you

you feel disgusted with yourself
but in the eyes of the concrete
you are viewed as wholly reborn
there is an uncomfortable beauty
in every shape of the pain you feel
and it's all you've known, you see
barbed-wire for that safety net
a heavy head filled near the brim

but a soul exists within that form
separate of the tormented skin
the scratching & clawing within
there is an eternal essence of all
being, there is flawed divinity in you
one must stop and really breathe it

you've survived your mind, brother
of mine, and that alone is no small
feat, there's fear all around and it's
always drawing near, but you can
continue onward, you can still live.
at the end of it all, when you return
to the universe, you can at least
have with you in those final moments,
complete unity and understanding.
you can view the grand precipice of
your being with full awareness,
and that is yours. you take that with
you as you cross over, into eternity

a low, low lonely boy
sitting at a desk, vices
laid out before him.
there are whispers from
the other room, he can
hear them but cannot
make out what they are
saying. the tones are
disapproving, however,
so one could assume the
worst. one is usually inclined
to only assume the worst.

pants around the ankles, heart
beat slowing from a near sprint
and the illusion of desire now
shattering and raining on the
***** carpet around. the choked
sunlight, what's left of it, collapses
among the shards of fantasy.

a tray of chocolate covered almonds
which was filled with eager hands,
intent on gorging, sits half eaten before
the dim light of the screen
those same eager hands choked the
innocence of the day, slowly,
and those same guilty hands now
hold the face of that lonely boy.

you bound me in despair
to your will and body bare

I decided that's all that
happiness was

the choir is singing hallelujah, now.
my best isn't much but there's sweat on my brow. everything went wrong, everything goes wrong.

I'm in an irrational routine with these things. I write and sing and drive and act out of turn.
but there's something right about now

I like the sleepless nights
I feel free and alive
It's sweeter than bright
brighter than sweet

I feel I have a purpose
I feel in control of those
Opposing forces
the one guiding the wheel
the one gripping the pen,
covered in ink and dirt

I embrace it with whatever
parts of me I can muster

I become a different person

but this nirvana will end soon
there are other people I am
required to be at times, and
that time is now upon me

it all could be so easy and
I think it's becoming easier