well then who is really fake?
does anyone have to be fake?
if reality is but an illusion
then "fake" is as fake as fake

you're in my system
leaving your mark
on all my innards
and body parts

I'm hoping that with
this drink to my lips
I can drown & purge
the throne on which you sit

America the brave
with sour taste I'll let that ring true

I'll be the first to say
the inexplicable ways that
every person today
gets off on fading away

and taught to not be a hero
putting yourself out for real
afraid of feel
mind of fabricated steel

putting yourself first

but with all that is said
some openly accept death
for good of those without thought
worrying about what **** they've bought

they put everything thing else first

people like that will always exist
on last resort instances
and I feel like that just may be
& I feel it perpetually

that is what's immutable
that's what is feared
that is what's expected
that's what is revered

and that still exist

and with all things considered

all sullen debts
those obsessive rendezvous
every second spent alone
thinking about the future

something truly human exists
surrounded by the material
the synthetic
the escapist

humanity
exists

yes
the world can be
a scary place

yet
much more frightening
is the mind

70 million ways to
remind you why you
make my skin flutter
and heart crawl

but I couldn't even begin
to put into words,
as your eyes matched mine,
In level and intensity

and
With fear of the unknown
and equally the known,
with fervor,
with yearning
with despair

eyes ignited
eyes in stasis
bruised but widened

I'm
terribly sober
but intoxicated by you
and I can talk
and talk
when I'm intoxicated

70 millions things
I'm compelled to say
but I don't know
where to begin

I just can't
though believe me
when I tell you
that I want to

coffee permeates a room
in a peculiar way
like rain through an open
window in the winter

the sound of your heels
hitting the floor rings
like my brain pounds away
at the walls of my skull

my stomach hurts and
the phantom of you
is easing the pain,
I feel a tender hand
upon my skin
but it isn't enough

it's not that feeling
of my lips on yours

it's not the circumference
of the pleasure principle
found with the arms
around the waist

I long with greed and
beg with need and I
am a sitting duck to
the sort of woman
who looks and acts
a lot like you do now

I don't think you realize
just what you have done

that moon is nothing
short of super

how could I put it
in words?
there are no words,
there are no words

I struggle to find the words

and that tree
something I've never
seen

drowned in silver
fabrics,
cosmic silks
stellar feels

the moon could
encompass
the universe

but that tree is
defined by its roots
and its roots grow
so very deep

and that tree is dying
and that tree is real

and in death it radiates
absolute grace

absolute elegance

complete serenity,
morphed &
wronged by nature

but so pure
so purely pure

& in the tree's shadows,
stars in the sky
sort of waver, they
flutter lifelessly

the moon and
the tree,
yew I believe,
are the peak
of all I've ever seen

a moon that big, has
a lot of room for sour
thoughts
but that yew tree
is all that matters

that yew tree
is the most beautiful thing
I've ever seen

that super moon,
that literal super moon,
universally incredible
thing

something that emanates
all happy thoughts,
all tides,

it cradles romance
it embraces wonder

it is everything

and that moon,

well, that moon

that moon is (almost) as beautiful
as that yew tree

beautiful, this lonely night
this predictable darkness
that befalls the ground
the trees
the souls
those things of substance

I look at you
you look at them
you check your phone
you count the lights on the ceiling
you readjust yourself
you curse enemies under your breath

and I look at you
ethereal, immaterial
pure essence
pure strife
pure lust

third time is the charm
three times I've been
inebriated
incapacitated
seeing, feeling, smelling,
hearing
begging to be touching
you

oh, you are beautiful
oh, you make me miserable
oh, I like it so

my what pretty webs you spin

it's absolutely terrible
when I bring myself this low
but the stimulus I savor slow

my end is wherever you begin

everyone I know is dead

Or
it's I who's gone & beyond to them

but in this moment I feel beautiful
I've never felt so pure before

free from being a thought-
fore, after or otherwise

not in the least troubled with concern
as it has not troubled itself
to extend its pruned fingers in
my direction

how sweet it is to be nothing at all

lips free from the stain of
pretty lipstick,
no strain of passion in my face

the excess of pity
and empathy have left
their mark, in any case

I've no love to keep me,
no tender arms to cage me in

I am not but a mere ripple
in a vast timeless ocean

to which I yearn to return

I never was and I will never be

gone & beyond is the only
fleeting meaning I've seen and need

what is it, exactly,
that you're doing?

I'm talking to you,
universe

how am I to take
what's happening?

I bare crooked teeth
still through all

I feel so warm &
wanted

yet so wholly
rejected

I need whispers
in my ear

sweet messages
to hold me

when there's no
refuge near

what at last is
the scheme here?

there's a rug
somewhere,

set to be ripped
from under me

but that's how
these things go

like spring snow

the way that the
wind blows

all of those
spectacles

into observable
formation

I want to understand

I'm not ready yet

a work of art
purely

the way you float behind
the counter
and you ask me
if I'm "okay"

Sure

but if I were to answer
honestly

no
far from it

I am sickened by
your beauty

you
being

out of reach

how you talk to
everyone else
out of profession
out of priority

but it's okay

I have little money
that I'm usually smart with

but I will
spend
every
bit

If it keeps you coming back

every cent
everything I own

for you
to make me

"okay"

I want you like one
who only sees sun
through one window
well known in
the darkness alone

I yearn for you like
grass for morning dew
the stars for the moon
with the rising tide and
nighttime gloom

your perfume drives me
mad, it drives me forward
towards the steep cliff
of self-destruction
but there are such pretty
flowers down there
among the rocks

the way you talk makes
me feel alone, my desires
still unknown to you
but my pain & time
are but sorry gifts
distractions from my
short comings

how do you feel knowing
I suffer for you?

how would you react to
knowing I die a little
when you smile?
the world around gets
drained of grandeur
with your beauty
so imposed and
thrilling to endure

your scent makes me
me mad with want,
it's peppered with
my own lonelines

far more intense than a need
I want that perilous leap, though
I am not a man but
mistakes laid in heaps
at your feet

allow me home,
that fleeting feeling of it

shelter from the storm
that rages as time
wears thin the sin
now left drably within

I will find your center,
with it my own,
in flesh & bone
I shall crumble

I am humbled

I am what you see
now before you

ask me how it feels to be helpless

living, dying, hopelessly reckless

i won't fight
i won't fight

your embrace
will be my end tonight

again, it has happened
the realization hits as
my pupils dilate

once more sorrows
eyes have found
their gaze upon your face

autumn is your disposition
I have found winter in your distance
spring is in our step
and I long for summer in your embrace

but this time I spoke
this time we sparked

one again, I am shaking
but this time
I'm hopeful and warm

then we found ourselves
right next to each other

I asked if you had any
sisters or brothers

I don't really know why

I
could really
care
less

but I'm haunted by thoughts
of you as a lover

life has its own kind of humor

but it brings you
far from
laughter

the way things just happen
& take you closer to madness

but sanity is so boring, anyway
and so is sleep
and so are people
and so is peace

and the way it all ties together
in the end

& if time is made up
then we don't exist

as every second
is devoted to the way you move

in which case

every sip
is slowing down
nothingness in
it's purest form

lavender tinting
all my wildest dreams

"that's life", they say

and I'm still trying
to figure out what that means

The green beans let out a sigh. Their
Fear simmering in their salt. At
That moment, that sigh gave in to
A similar fear, the fear of one very
Unfortunate group of coffee beans,
Next to be ground up and drank, right
In front of their brethren, who will
Also sigh in fear because there is
Nothing else that they can do
But sigh in fear. At that point,
The man, the monster that causes
Beans to sigh in fear, drinks the
Blood of those beans that sigh,
Those beans that fear, and he
Himself will sigh in contentment,
In a lack of fear, because he has
No idea that he himself is nothing
More than a bean, not actually
Any greater than a green bean,
A coffee bean, or just about any
Other kind of bean; the only
Real difference is that man is
The only bean that affords the
Luxury of exercising presence of
Mind to choose how and when
They sigh; in the face of fear, or
Reveling in their complete and total
Lack of general acknowledgment.

in that crowded square
it was just you & I
their stares were welcomed
their stares stayed out of mind

your precious child
not my own
and usually I hate children
but when you needed to
step away
and
left him in my lap
and
I almost dropped him

I almost died

I couldn't stand the idea
of living with myself
after doing something
like that

You came back to him crying
like you knew he would be
new company don't
compare to mommy

His crying didn't just hurt my
ears
I actually cared for his
approval

& you just smiled
and adjusted your glasses

in that moment in that
crowded square
under your approving gaze
I am happy

so young for a child
you can feel the judgement
we're surrounded by

but even though the child
isn't mine, I take it in stride
because the world sees me
hand in hand with you

I grow to despise all
which bring tears to my eyes

it's happened too many times now

I want nothing but your nonexistence
no happiness or sadness

just nothingness

I want apathy, I want disinterest
I want permanently handicapped empathy

I'll get there eventually

I'm losing faith that there's such
thing as hope, or faith for that matter

it's all drab around here, really

I try to pacify my bitterness
but my bitterness pacifies me

I'm taunted by the irony

I've lost count of the times
I've been made to feel so foolish

I'm getting used to being embarrassed

All you well-to-do women
with whatever is in your head

Keep respectable distance

your energy is better spent
on one who won't slowly with time

unravel at your feet

I can agree there's a lot to
hate about those who you pity

the ones who feel as I do

you see them vulnerable and
you feel in control and powerful

it disgusts you that you had no choice

you'll soon loathe as I do
and your niceness will be tarnished

I'll loathe all even more

I feel no sensations other than
some exhausted discontent

it becomes your true companion

I welcome it all at this point
there's no point to finding a point

maliciousness just exists, I guess

you or I are no exception
I know I'm feeling quite awful

I want to share my suffering

but it's for me and only me
my one and only property

my holy suffering

I'll carry it with me
exclusively

I cannot be one with this world
I won't adhere to what it requires
It shall be forced to my own will,
or I will exile myself willingly

with my suffering,
in pursuit of the only thing
I am truly entitled to

Sick with second guessing
The bitterness is back

Beyond any classification
I'm exhausted of it all

Long past petty five steps
I've sat outside long enough in the cold
To know it doesn't get any warmer

Nostalgia's rough grasp
Clasped about my neck
I feel more and more
With every forced breath

And the more I feel the less I know
It all leads to the inexplicable
The redundant and
The impossible to reconcile

Loneliness infatuated
With this idea of the unknown
Through some lust manifests
Into a dire fear of being alone

And that fear carries forward
Incessant debasement

And all the best advice I've ever heard
Is now drowned out by the rainfall

Dripping drops of memories
Seep into wounds still being licked
With a wincing at the past
While bracing myself for the crash

There was somewhere lifetimes ago
When a warmth was prevalent enough

But all that feels like fantasy now

Some sick obsession with comfort

The idea of
Being yearned for

Thought of

Touched, kissed
Dreamed

Breathed

All things senseless yet
Fulfilling for the senses
Creating some
Sense of belonging

It's all slipping, sliding
Moving out of view

Writhing and shaking
My body shivers
Off any remaining
Icicles of doubt

I know the bitterness is back

I know the rain will keep falling harder

And right now, try and try as I might,
I just can't get this **** cigarette to light

aching in the soul
longing in the heart

those feelings that follow
those thoughts after dark

bottomless pit of
a stomach
the weight of beauty
just brings
me to new lows

and you were so beautiful, then

idealistic, radiant, understanding,
patient, beautiful
warm
comforting
beautiful

I can't say it enough: beautiful

what a strange town,
we were in

the product of the man
who never dreams

but apparently when it comes
to you I am a dreamer

& apparently the sun is
looking out for my best interest
as it pierces through my eyelids
and forces me awake

my mind still can't readapt to
reality from such fabrication

my stomach has yet again found
new lows from high hopes
yet somehow my craving lips
have found reason to smile

something reenergizing flows
do you feel it? can you sense it now?
the air carries scent
of optimism, the
faint hint of brighter tomorrows
bells and chimes- rustled gently,
swayed by our Mother Earth's
graceful twirls-
sweet peaceful rhythmic
vibrations in perceivable distance

birds are curious creatures
they sing so beautifully
though their beauty is
not known to them
this wind rings in my ears
the birds that are singing
now intertwined with it
their melody has become my own
yet they do not know the soul
they've shown such beauty to
they do not know it any more
or any less than they are
aware of their gift
they just are

and so like the winds
and so like my friends
who gift beauty to grace
the flow of energy
i will be but one
with the breeze & flow,
i will intertwine
so graciously with the gift
i will transcend
                           i will be

we've only gone so far,
and so much more far to go

Brother just lay your burdens low

Stay out of your head,
keep busy and row

Brother just lay your burdens low

keep your head high
higher than before

Brother please lay your burdens low

Though it not much now
in the stars it's shown

In starlight lay your burdens low

Too heavy at times
but I'm there, just know

I'll carry your burdened self back home

there is a certain kind
of magic
to the tangible hell
that is the workplace

these walls can
hardly breathe
their lungs weighed
by grease

but within them
I'm subjected
to certain things--
-rationale
-truth
I'd never think
it'd bring

I've scrubbed away
at my second thoughts

& I've slaved through the
constant heat of my desires

I have been suffering all along anyway

so these
pushed buttons,
rattled nerves
and our
heavy bones
is something
we share

it is magic of
a certain kind

and I rather enjoy suffering with you

I walked into there
so long ago
right into hell
head held high

with foolish
Optimism

and there you were
smiling
appealing
defeating

time went by
spent in this grease hole

I've suffered
I've fret
I've cried
& I've looked to you

I love you
& you kept my optimism alive
barely
it was hungry
it was doubtful

but it had you

we've fought
sort of
And the tension never ceased

we've grown to know each other
& and I know I wasn't the only one who cared

But you've found another
and
I'm happy for you

and it's finally your time

time to make something of yourself
time to leave here
time to forget

but

I've memorized all those things you do
when you're nervous and excited
& there they are

I see you plugging your ears
as you overflow with emotion
and in that moment

I love you
I know I do
everything about you

I truly love you
& in a tunnel of hands
Waving goodbye
You ascend to bright futures ahead

and I miss you
I already do
& I can't say one word
'Bout how I feel for you

I want you more
than I've ever known