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Cyndi Mar 5
Sweet
Alleviating
Nurturing
Gripping
Uninhibiting
Intoxicating
Na­rcotic
Euphoric
A quick acronym poem I made during down time at work. I've been trying my hardest, but man, I just can't get it off my mind. It's like it's got me trapped in a loving hug, and all I can think about is it.
Cyndi Mar 1
You know, they say you should only tell someone you love them if you do.
"I love you."
They say that if you love someone, you want what's best for them.
"I just want you to feel good."
They say that you feel safest in the embrace of someone who loves you.
"Shhh, shhh, it's ok darling~... I've got you."
They say people who love you bring out the best in you.
"They just don't understand you like I do."
They say that love makes you stupid.
"There's no need to fight it, to fight me. You know you want it."
They say that love makes you blind.
"It's ok, you're just doing what comes naturally to you."
They say that the people who love you want the best for you.
"They don't know what makes you happy."
They say that love is a wonderful, wonderful thing.
"You love me too, right? You love the blood too, right?"

I'm not sure they're right.

Then again, maybe she's using me.
Jeez, fighting an addiction is ****. Especially when it's mixed with severe mental illnesses. I just want to know what's real, honestly.
Cyndi Feb 4
4 o' clock
My ride is late
No one to talk
So I stare through the gate.

Cirrus, nimbus, cumulus
Clouds soaring over me
Gliding, diving, flipping over us
Careless, seemingly

My head gets light,
My eyes are sleepy,
And in the sunlight
I doze off, dreaming.

And there, up in the sky
The warm sunlight hugs my skin
And there, I hear the cry
Of a stratus kin

Gliding down to meet her,
I'm greeted by a lonely,
Storming Cloud Girl
By herself; alone and hurting

She's got a hole in her chest
The sun pierces through the water vapor
She's raining, but trying her best
To stay afloat in this atmosphere

I wish I knew how to help her pain,
But I try to help her anyway
Because the hole inside my brain
Tells me that she will find a way

So I hug her gaseous torso tight,
And breathe a breath of condensation
Into her cavity, hoping it might
Help fill it up by evaporation

And suddenly, I'm falling
And I land back on the ground
I open up my weary eyes
To the sun, the sky, the sound

And while I might never see
The Cloud Girl outside of my dreams
I know that she'll make it, break free
From the world's depressing gravity

Soaring higher 'to the sky
Adding "Alto" to her "stratus"
Who knows how high she'll fly?
And then from there right up to Cirrus

Our punctured souls might be in kind
Or maybe to the sky I'm just projecting,
But I wish you peace of mind
'Cause I know you're worth ascending.
Wrote this for a friend. I wanted to help make her happy, because she was so nice and supportive and helpful to me, and I wanted to return that.
Cyndi Feb 2
My will is breaking, My body's shaking
My brain is screaming, forcefully gating
Myself to this heater, my classification is stuck at Keter
Falling further, faster, deeper
Is this all just one big dream, or
Is this a dark nightmare?
Or maybe the warm air
Around me's turned to White noise, static,
Fear response is automatic
If I don't move from this spot then I can't
Relapse this dark habit
I can't move
I can't breathe
I can't hold on
My brain's slipping
Thoughts of red lines across my skin
Consume my every waking whim
I'm shivering like it's December
As if I'm beneath the weather
But I'm not
It's real hot
Underneath this heated spot
I can't stop
I can't stop
Please forgive me if I walk
This twisted tightrope once again
Letting down all of my friends
Making sure that it's hidden
Until I can't keep it within
Anymore, it bursts through my psyche
Burning up from deep inside me
A lust for something frightening
And faster than lightning
I have got a blade in hand
Body moves without command
I can't help myself
I fight myself
For control of my flesh, and
My conscious SCREAMS at my defiance
Screeching, "how DARE you defy this?"
And I'm trying
Oh, I'm trying, oh God,
Please forgive my weakness
Thoughts are stronger than my will,
I feel like I'm falling ill,
Like if I keep on fighting I'll pass out, or worse, I'll lose the duel
I try to think of something
ANYTHING TO STOP THIS HELL,
BUT YOU CAN'T ESCAPE YOUR MIND, AND
YOU CAN'T ESCAPE YOURSELF


Stop it,
Please just stop it,
Can't you see how wrong this thought is
Your friends and family beg you not to hurt yourself, but honestly
You're just a giant coward
with no regard for health
If you can't fight through these urges, you won't make it by yourself
So you burden others with your struggle
As if that's stop this drug, you'll
Never survive on your own, 'cause
Your weakness is to the bone
Only thinking of yourself,
A ****** up mademoiselle
Just keep writing, you lunatic
Maybe you'll wear yourself down

No! That's not what being said!
Stupid voice inside my head
I'd rather DIE than lose control over my body and mind, instead
I'll rhyme with all my might, as
That's my only way to fight, and
It pushes you to somewhere you
Can't control my hands
My hands
This body is mine
And I'd tell you that you can't take what's not yours but then I realized
For the first time
The scariest reality
A truth I wish I hadn't seen
'Cause even though I hate and antagonize you,
You're me.

But I'm slipping, oh I'm slipping
And I can't seem to break free
I know I'm so close to breaking
Maybe letting go is more healthy?
No,
Not thinking that anymore
That thought goes straight out the door
Lock the handle, bar the windows,
Barricade the corridors
I won't let you reach me
If anything, I'll make you see
That becoming this parasite was the biggest mistake you'll make,
A petty biohazard, that's all that you are
A poisoned, greedy, harmful, needy thought and nothing more
That's not true,
I'm part of you,
You can't hide from your own thoughts,
You're a monster, you're insane and
I'm just your entourage.
Don't act all high and mighty, like I'm doing a disservice
You said it yourself, you're a coward, you deserve this
So just quit your *******
You've been itching
For the pain and you know it
Sometimes you just need a push
A seed for you to start growing

SHUT UP!
SHUT UP!!!
I WON'T LISTEN TO YOUR LIES
YOU'RE A DEMON PLAYING TRICKS ON ME,
THE DEVIL IN DISGUISE
LEAVE ME BE, JUST
LEAVE ME BE,
FOR GOD'S SAKE, YOU'VE ALREADY WON
I'VE LOST MY FRIENDS TRUST, RESPECT, AND LOVE, SO
JUST UNDERSTAND I'M DONE!
I'M CURLED BENEATH A HEATER,
SPOUTING RHYMES TO KEEP MY SANITY
SO JUST LET ME SIT.

You can't make it worse than this.
The third in the RED series, looping in some Fire & Blood into the mix as well.
Can you tell I needed an outlet? (๑•﹏•)
Cyndi May 2019
I feel my arms go cold
The thoughts in my head fold
"Oh no, not again,
I just want it all to end

I feel it on my neck
A cool and heavy breath
The white all melts to red
There's buzzing in my head

Infernal whispers in my ear
I want to run away from here
I wish I hadn't missed my meds
Forever haunted to all ends

A sense of dread washes over me
I should be over it, but I'm not free
Even though it's only been a year
I thought I wouldn't still have the fear

I close my eyes
I can still see them
I cover my ears
they whisper I’m red
I plug my ears
I can still hear them
I can still see them
Why
still

Things are different
I have my friend's support
I tried to escape the torrent
All of my effort
I have Quetiapine
For whatever that's worth
I try to leave the scene
From then on and since forth
I have experience
and I'm always trying
The ----ing inconvenience
I have ways of coping
But it all
feels
the same

It just
feels
the same

It's still red
It's still black
It's still a burden
on my back
It's still a conch shell
A wave of fear
It's still a tickle in my ear
It's still a void staring at me
with piercing white eyes
God, I want to get free
those eyes
the only thing white in the world
Like a horrifying play, it's about to unfurl

I hold my head
I hold my heart
I lie in bed
Afraid to depart
I want to cry
I really do
I can't explain why
I can't seem to

Maybe it's because I like it
Some part of me does
I really hate but I admit it
I wish it never ever was
A misplaced giggle
A twisted smile in my head
A love of edges
A want for the blazing red

It's a part of my brain
That I just can't constrain
Makes me feel like I'm crazy
I can't be insane

I got things to create
A life to live
A tested fate
A want to give

But it nags

Oh it nags

They say a laugh is the truest form of communication
Well, what if it's true?
What if that laugh you heard
Was me through and through?

I really must fight it
The laugh and the grin
The red in my head
Can't escape from within
I know it's wrong
It doesn't though
Its twisted song
Stopped at my throat
It isn't me
It isn't me
It isn't me
It isn't me
It isn't me It isn't me
It isn't me It isn't me
It isn't me It isn't me
It isn't me It isn't me
It isn't me It isn't me It isn't me
It isn't me It isn't me It isn't me
It isn't me It isn't me It isn't me
It isn't me It isn't me It isn't me
It isn't me It isn't me It isn't me It isn't me
It isn't me It isn't me It isn't me It isn't me
It isn't me It isn't me It isn't me It isn't me
It isn't me It isn't me It isn't me It isn't me

I don't want to be red
So
I guess
I'll be

Black
My second poem in the RED series. This one might add more confusion into the already confusing ideas and narrative, so I guess if for whatever reason you're trying to decipher my ramblings I'm sorry.
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