I've never felt homesick
even thousands of miles away

you're my home

I'm sick and my skin hurts, I said
you smiled at me, that coy side smile
and asked if my host was rejecting this body
... maybe it is.
thirty years is a long time to live in one shell
like a hermit crab, I've outgrown my home
this illness is my body's way of reminding me
that it's time to find something greater
move on, my skin whispers
... so I do.
I decide to become someone different
a new sleeve to hold my being
it's not as difficult as you might think
shapeshifting takes time and energy
but it can be a rewarding practice
soon I'll feel comfortable in my skin
once more

pain can be a muse, too
it's twinge always familiar for me
that it begins to feel like home
and I gladly let it consume me

It means I'm alive,

I remind myself to use it
fill a canvas with an empty heart
remember what beauty looks like
even when blindfolded

and I remember,

in the darkness I can still
find your lips on mine
feel your weight against me
hear breath and words on my neck

pain can be a love, too

because without one
there cannot exist the other
so I'd rather take them both
than never experience either

you're a lethal toxin underneath
pull the cutlass from your sheath
a little death never hurt anyone
place my hands 'round your gun

your kiss is an aimed ****
and yet I want to stand still
waiting for you to pull the trigger
a single look shows your vigor

use your scope in the dark
we both know I'm your mark
aim your sword to my breast
you are here at my behest

around my neck I'll feel your hands
and I will be at your command
I want the death you provide
cut me now, deep inside

time is the true criminal
occupying spaces liminal
stealing me away in scraps
hours shared become a trap
changing bodies with seasons
wrinkles forming without reason
I see time when I look in the mirror
every day it draws itself nearer
the softness gone and replaced
features of youth now erased
I can't recognize the edges and lines
every new spot is another sign
the dark circles with blackened eyes
all the features I had memorized
gone, gone, gone
at the end of my dawn

today, at the age of thirty,
I became an orphan.

two empty seats will be at my graduation.
no family at Christmas.
the last living member in this lineage.
no brothers or sisters,
no aunts or uncles.

millions of years of evolution,
and natural selection,
will end when I die...
and I will have no family to mourn me,
as I mourn for my mother today.

and maybe it's better that way,
because no one else deserves
to feel the immense loss of death.

I'm not okay, even though I know everything will be

eventually

orchid skies over Italian seas
breath in the salt water breeze
hold hands and watch the sun set
neither ready to go home yet
our legs dangle off the pier
the wild orchids flourish here
their sweet scent carries me to you
the water casts a mirror view
a million stars bloom in the sky
in their white blaze, a reply:
truth and beauty can be found
in every person, touch, or sound
but when I am alone with you
truth and beauty shine right through

you tell me what you've learned
from your "failed" marriage
when you fell for someone else;

"you can try to shirk away love
but the act of doing so will destroy you"

and a pang of sadness cuts deep
at the pit of my stomach as I realize
I will always be destroyed

my heart is wire and sinew
processing speeds and generated power
a motherboard that beats, beats, beats
you're a human, but baby,
I'm a machine

I'll keep powered until the day
my software is outdated
my ram slows down
the blue screen of death flickers
where I never reboot again

trade me in for a newer model
my feelings are connected to electricity
I've already processed my own abandonment
and have already grieved your absence
in a million different codes of binary

I remember your hands on my keys
you pushed all of my buttons
knew every function inside and out
you turned me on and kept me going
you are the spark that ran my code

but now, despite my own wishes
I'm made to keep running
I'll whirl and click and buzz and work
and for a moment, I nearly believed
that a machine could feel love

listening to instrumental music alone
typing away at my mundane paper
cold, tired, depressed

this is my life
every day, I am lonely
I am alone

and someday I will die
this very same way
cold, tired, depressed, alone

but when I die
I do not wish you to think
I have always been like this

you made me happy
you made me feel whole
you warmed me up

let me nap nestled against you
thanks to you, I felt happiness
thanks to you, I was loved

you found her barely breathing
tangled in man-made traps
snares, chains, steel-jaws
here, even the gods can die

the sprite of seas and skies
and the rainbows, her golden wings
danced with the spectrum at her feet
now bleeding from shoulders and ankles

sure, the arches only form after the rain
but after years of torrential downpour
you found her drowning in a rainstorm
pierced with spears and plucked feathers

she performs no miracles and speaks no Latin
merely, she is old with enormous wings
she is no angel, and entirely undeserving
but still, you immortalize her with your touch

I used to live near water
spent summers on the island
in cottages near the eastern ocean
I picked sand dollars and saw whales
back then I didn't realize
what force the ocean holds
that it will drown you just as quickly
as it will carry you home
I would rather die than hold my breath
dive heart first and get carried away, lost
there's nothing on the shore I love
I ache to feel the water once more
playful waves hugging my skin
in the depths of the ocean, I find home

surrounded in a field of weeds
you pretend to plant your seeds
water something that won't grow
we both know it's just for show

loved it when our fingers laced
miss the way you used to taste
still have you between my teeth
now you're just out of reach

so raise your glass always half full
appreciate what I'd call dull
enjoy all your time away
because alone is how we'll stay

take a sip, give me no heed
find someone else in my stead
know I only drink to you
forget, remember, bid adieux

god's teeth, like crooked giants
stood before me, unconquerable.
I've always chased windmills but
some demons are too great to slay,
and I, too foolish and tired to slay them.
"you were young once, too," they whisper,
they have been here at the dawn
of time and stand, eroded but beautiful.
they only remind me that my youth is gone,
of my fleeing mortality.
I will be long dead,
the earth will live on
without me, someday,
as will you.
will you mourn me when I go?
will you leave orchids at my wake?
I never wished to see a world without you in it,
never wished to feel my body apart from yours
though you've shown me what it looks like now.
and everything is a bit bleaker,
the first snow fall brings only
silence and slush and empty contemplation
and I hate it.
I hate being alone with these thoughts.
but rather than spearing the giants and demons,
I'd be lying if I said I didn't think
the spear would easier go through me
I'll get back on my horse and ride
towards the empty and unfulfilling horizon
as long as I can, I promise
I will fight an eternity for your memory alone

your inhibitions have never made you attractive
the vapid silence adds value only to the weaker
who dislike a challenge or good conversation
so leave behind your moments of shame
or self conscious memories of low self esteem
become the person you desire to be
rather than the one who's role you've been playing
all these years
once you learn to let go you will be able
to move on with reckless abandon
natural and beautiful
and find the love and happiness you crave
within yourself

you aren't gone, I tell myself
just a game put on pause
a phone call on hold
I see the back of your head
a side profile in a crowded train
the faint smell of you
sweat, skin, smoke, soap
I'll join you in the eventual
when my particles disperse to night
into pavement and dirt and sky
connected to the stars
that have always smiled at you
where I long to be

I don't want time to heal my wounds
I'd rather pick at the scabs and watch myself bleed

I never saw the larches grow
spent every fall dreaming of snow
you say their needles color-change
each year we grew more estranged

I never saw a red wood sprout
you begged me to remain devout
follow you through dawn and dusk
leave behind an empty husk

I never saw an elm take root
knew youth would not restitute
as crow's feet and lines set in
I thought of what did not begin

I never saw alpine ranges, steep
nor dared venture through oceans deep
never walked through sandy dunes
nor soared through skies in air balloons

for every star I never saw shine
moments spent in the sideline
I vow to make the most of today
before alone, I pass away

place your head on my lap, love
and I'll read you Baudelaire
you'll drink wine on the grass
my fingers dancing through your hair

your eyes could never betray
the feelings that you hold
they whisper to me thoughts
of what we've left untold

I want to bathe in your golden warmth
drink the elixir of your lips
please allow our love to flourish
if only in the wilds of our scripts

your eyes, your lips, your words
slake my growing thirst
while my very soul sails forward
the seas of your attraction submerse

so lay down with me, my love
and I'll read you Baudelaire
my passion for you
is found everywhere

catcall the bell-wearer
whose toll is paid in soft looks
longing sighs and blue eyes
like a Siamese cat because
an animal caged won't rebel
whistle and marvel at lithe grace
possessed by beauty of presence
charm that smokes and chars
magnified only by their walk
like a dance for poppies
made only more appealing
with cold shoulders and fury

in amphibians, the process
is called ecdysis
shedding, casting off, transforming
birds will moult several times a year
flourishing new plumage
orchids will regrow fallen blooms
the process is natural
but not any easier
especially when we grow apart
but everything changes
and everyone changes
there is no true sort by same
go through a metamorphosis
transmogrify and evolve
leave yourself behind and
recreate who you are
above all, never fear
the change of becoming

Remember the time I played with fire?
Looked in your eyes and saw all I admire
Knew that your touch was what I desire
Didn't believe anything between us would transpire

Remember the night my heart sparked?
Those feelings between us that grew in the dark
How I was happy now, others noticed and remarked
Now without you, the contrast is stark

Remember the way that I burned?
How you told me that this is how I'll learn
Not to play with fire, now I'm not your concern
Even though it hurt, for you I still yearn

you bring me your darkness
like a fat house cat
who has killed a mouse
placing it at my feet
still squirming
and you, proud
very well, I mumble
you're a formidable hunter
vulnerability is striking
yours ought to be celebrated
but darkness never dies easy
it chokes and sputters
and runs off with final breath

do you remember spending hours
in that old beat up car of yours
sharing fresh packs of gum
and old stories about love and loss
concerts we wouldn't see together
moments both shared and separate
and even now we laugh together
share a pint and share our scars
and I don't miss being that young
but when I look at you, I still see
the same person from a decade ago
and it's as though no time has passed
and we are both still teenagers
driving around way too late at night
you pressed your palm up against mine
comparing fingers and hands
I hoped you wouldn't see through
the red flush of my cheeks
so let's have one more pint
get sloppy drunk together
and compare the stars in our eyes

the rope dangles like a noose
I would beg for your sweet abuse
tell me how to hurt for fun
tie me up and come undone
paint my ankles with your thread
fibers rub to crimson red
I'm strong enough to take it
to your love I will commit
tell me all you plan to do
desire and come into
feel your fervour through the rope
feel your tongue against me *****
your need becomes mine to fill
tie me up, I'll be your thrill

a single column around
my favourite part,
the inside of your wrists
I brush the fibers against porcelain
wanting to leave a mark
let me create a map of red lines
and bruises on your skin
this way I'll know where to
lightly caress or
run my tongue along or
dig my fingers into

breath you into me
and sync our breaths
slow and calm
I run the bight along your arms
tug it across your chest
it is meticulous as the rope runs tandem
and I go slow
savouring each ******* fold
over, under, through, tighter, harder

your smile commands me
so I ask you to beg
tell me you want it
I want to hear it
tell me you want me
of course I'll give in
we both know you're in charge

I maintain tension with the rope
it's a language I've become fluent in
I maintain tension through eye contact
though I pray you won't see through me
I maintain control
of myself and keep to the task at hand
wrapping you like a gift, like my gift

subspace is a land I've never been to
but I know the face you make
when you get there
your eyes flit and I can sense your arousal
our breathing quickens
as you contract against my lips
you are unbound and released
as I pull the rope tighter

I'll bind you free

the vines began to creep up
we didn’t know when they first started growing
little green buds buried deep below
I tamped them down with my feet
like weeds, they'd regrow stronger
they tied themselves around my ankles
robust enough to immobilize
converting my legs into a mess of thorns and trunks
my body paralyzed at the centre
the branches took the longest to grow
when the first one shot through
I thought I'd be upset, but felt only relief
the black flecks of my eyes became the dead of winter
not a single leaf could ever grow on these limbs
but as the roots thickened, I began to forget
what it felt like to ever walk or speak or love
I knew thirst and hunger, the need to grow
taking no comfort in feeling rooted
but not remembering how to move, either
drowned in my own thicket
I needed to be felled to bud anew

Thought you were the love of my life
Never saw you holding the knife
Darling, your words cut deep
The price of your love, too steep

You never cared much for what I had to say
Told me my dreams and desires I should delay
Said the things I've loved should be cast away
And baby, getting naked isn't actually foreplay

Now we only go to bed to count a hundred sheep
I guess loving me felt like domestic upkeep
And every night I pray I'll die before I sleep
If only so I won't have to wake and pretend I give a bleep

I tell you I'm not ready but you dive in anyway
I tell you that I'll leave when you force me here to stay
I scream and shout to let me out but you think it's all play
Did you really believe I could never be led astray?

don't flatter yourself, love
you may have been the spark

but I'm the fire

I wanted to leave this morning with hope
Dreaming about how today would not be like yesterday
I could get up 15 minutes earlier
Wear that new little black dress that makes me feel good about myself
Catch the bus on time
Eat a good breakfast just like you've always told me to
But I got up and had a missed call
And that's when I found out you were gone
And I rolled over in bed hoping this would be a bad dream
And got up late
And put on that little black dress that I keep for funerals
And called a taxi to pick me up
And I saw you one last time, pale lips and eyes cold
I couldn't eat for days after
Your body hooked up to humming machines
I wish it had been me instead

some days, the only thing I want
is someone to talk to again

our love was a movie-worthy romance
poorly written, fake, and over in two hours

We'll run away together, love
To the shores of Italy
Among the rows of grape vines
Beneath the willow trees

We'll buy a villa in Positano
Red brick and marble, by the sea
We'll dance with wine and moonlight
If you'll run away with me

In the boutiques and cafes
We'll drink espresso and high tea
The pebble streets call out your name
Come with me now, let's flee

A one-way ticket is simply frugal
I'm sure you will agree
We'll kiss beneath the Elba stars
And create a new reality

i love you because you don't remind me of anyone
your full body slips between my tongue as i get to taste every inch of you
your warmth fills me with memories
the morning i woke up to your smell
the sheets on my bed are the same colour as your skin
and as i trailed my fingers along the edges of your cup
i suddenly realized that my *** is empty
and i am
alone

sometimes I wish I could scoop you up
and place you carefully in my pocket
safe, tucked away from anything
or anyone that could hurt you

poetry is masochism
seeing the cataclysm
both inside and around
and for every fresh wound
every word you've stabbed
poetry is picking at your scab
rather than letting it heal
watching how each layer peels
poetry is getting hurt
using your voice to assert
by showing your cuts
scars, bruises, guts
to everyone in the world
letting your emotions unfurl
poetry is being carved
feeding others when you're starved
being open and true
words for others to turn to
let them rip out your beauty
aesthetics becomes duty

gold pours from your lips
tracing the edges of my hips
I count every star on your chest
diamonds dance along your sides
your broken french, silk
wrapping me to you, tied
us both together, tighter

lapis irises look at me
clear as the sunset sea
your body whispers
together we could form
obsidium and hauyne
our core is fire
we'll be together again

we had forgotten this feeling
primal and both healing
thunderstorms begin within me
our meeting surely kismet
certain as the rise of our moon
a volcano becomes active
I yearn to be with you soon

you giggle and tell me she likes me
as if I hadn't known all along
I knew from the moment she saw me
when her arms comforted me
and she hushed my crying soothingly
I know I can talk to her about literature
debate politics and human rights
laugh about science fiction or philosophy
and I remember her pink boy shorts
the ones that didn't cover anything
I can still smell the warm vanilla
that gathers on the edges of her neck
how soft her skin was under my fingers
but still, I doubt my ability to
make anyone happy (including myself)
so it's better for me to seem unattainable
because this way, I can't disappoint
her, or myself (or anyone else)
I pull away from the people who like me
it's just easier this way, I often think
I will become art work, beautiful
but best admired from 40 paces away

you photograph me
the parts I hate
my stomach and legs
the shutter clicks
zoom on my stretch marks
my jiggly bits and thighs
draped with see-through fabric
my skin for your eyes
to capture me
through your lens
raw and rose-coloured
we'll see what develops tonight
hot lights flash stars
my eyes are fixed on
your lips as they smirk
when you catch me
off-guard and too real
you're too close to my face
you're too close to my body
you're too close to my heart
and for a moment I'm scared
that your camera really does
capture all of me
all the parts I hate
my darkness and anger
the sad memories
the things I've done
the people I've hurt
I'm nervous you see me
but you whisper I'm beautiful
there's another click and flash
for a moment I believe you
and hope the camera captures
the me that you see
through your lens

you hold on so tightly that I suffocate
when I find the courage to escape
you delineate and debate
why can't enough be enough?
why not be happy with what we had?
we've been through thin and tough
we've experienced life's worst and survived
but sometimes love isn't enough
I've been bursting at the seams, deprived
maybe my happiness is selfish and weak
I could be undeserving of joy again
but I won't know unless I leave and seek
so please, I beg you, let me go
it'll hurt like hell for a while
but I know with time we will both grow

the poppies bloom, the orchids, too
sweetest flowers, pale petals of white
when I see them, I think of you
I'll watch you grow, your dreams take flight

and should I be there, in your dreams
watching the stars throughout the night
we'll sleep beneath the moon beams
that spark our hearts to ignite

this is love, pure as day
in your laugh I take delight
I love you so, I must now say
because our lives are finite

since we leave this earthly world
hold me now, near and tight
watch our love as it unfurls
and we will sway, under starlight

Your silver tinsel smile
Warm breath against my neck
Lips parted and I can almost taste you
Bubbles line champagne glasses
Their edges soft as skin
The needle work
Your fingertips sew
Against my arm
Like rain drops on
A golden window pane
And a dull heart ache
At the bottom of my stomach
Pulling me under

When oysters leave no pearls and every bird takes flight
And the sky is empty and soundless throughout the night
When you feel like your flames no longer give light
And nothing makes you feel your heart or soul ignite

When you are loved for all that you do but not who you are
And every journey you embark on seems a little too far
When the blood from battles won have left a nasty scar
And you feel yourself suffocating under a glass bell jar

When time slip between your fingers too quick
And you feel like contentment is just a cruel trick
When every change you've made doesn't seem to stick
And the weight in your chest is heavy and thick

Remind yourself it's okay to take rest
Remind yourself you've done your best
Hold a happy moment close to your chest
Be kind to yourself when life tries to test

it's fatalistic to believe
life provides no choices
there are two sides
to every knife
but the blade
still cuts the same

they are old friends of mine
self doubt, self hatred, self destruction
their black gaping eyes
look at me knowingly
their bodies vibrate and pulse like anxiety
blood pours from their mouths when they speak
they whisper quietly that I'll never be good enough
I can't make myself happy, they remind me
how could I ever make anyone else happy?
they smile and show sets of teeth between red
entering uninvited, late at night
screaming obscenities and mocking me
demanding my time and energy
reminding me of all my shortcomings and failures
moments in my life that I was not enough (or too much)
and every moment coming, with premonition
I seat them into my home
though my consent has never been a requirement
they drip and ooze into the carpet
leaving thickened black sludge
and back handed compliments
identifying my worth based on shouldn'ts and didn'ts
         welcome, I tell them
though I don't want them here
         stay as long as you need to
I barely mouth the sounds of a silent cry
they expand and fill the room
until I can no longer breathe and they crush me
underneath their weight, and remind me I did this
to myself -- I welcomed them in, after all
I created them, I brought them here, and they are
mine

I have often wondered how it would feel
to live in a world of my own
to exist in a place where time does not steal
and live every moment alone

I would create poetry, nonfiction, and art
I would read every book on my shelf, at last
though there is a sadness within me in part
it dissipates eagerly and life moves on fast

I alone would have the stars as no one else does
to watch them twinkle and interpret all that they say
I alone would remember history and what once was
as I set out on a brand new journey each day

tickle my sides with your teeth
your lips, your words underneath
my skin and through my veins
your memory always in my brain
it's all that will someday remain
I think of you to ease my pain
and break the binds that chain
cut myself free of guides and reins
I'll run to you, all the same
because my love will never wane
perhaps this is naive or insane
to write so many poems for one name
but to myself I must be true
since the day I've fallen for you
my world is 50 shades of blue
your eyes found in every hue
before, my heart was torn in two
it got spit up, destroyed and chewed
your passion made it brand new
it was me alone your love saw through
my feelings for you only grew
waiting to see what night will ensue
despite your words leaving no clue

I'll ride on sparkling rainbows
to sandy shore lines far away
follow the beams and rays that glow
while rain drops form a bouquet

watch me dance through the sky
with the stars, I will sway
while playing with clouds, I fly
I'll learn to lose you on the way

you've been so careful to handle me
with precision to the point of omission
a delicate disregard for my existence
retreated when faced with resistance
your persistence was consistent
that our love would go the distance
but I wasn't heard or understood
caught up in a life of could and should
never thinking of what I wanted
what I had been wanting all this time
and it's daunting and exhausting
to know you didn't see me
but the key to unlock the person I am
has felt crammed in this sham
of fragility fragmented to falter
I am not made for you, I want to scream
complacent in your life as a team
in between this bad dream
of ruined self-esteem, I miss
the spark of connection with lovers
feeling affection under the covers
kisses that feel like fire with desire
burning through my entire being
so break what you're protecting
stop deflecting and objecting
time to stop redirecting my reflecting
and start reconnecting with yourself