I like to write everything in erasable pen
Because someday it'll disappear like me

The moon hangs lower than ever before
On a man-made noose with your name
Lover, I'm growing old now
And you've forgotten my face and my voice
Or the way I'd whisper you between stars
Maybe you've never known the person
Who loved you as you were, as you are
She is dead and silent, buried 'neath
Snow falls and canyons darker
Than the centre of your eyes and colder
Than your breath against the air outside
Tell them all you like it better this way
Working to forget every piece of me

do not read this poem
it is not made for you
this poem is a secret untold
of a memory I rarely think of
that was resurrected today
and I am the only one who knows it
and this poem is for me alone

I was maybe 5 years old and I both
do and don't remember her falling
spilling out of the giant porch window
like a slippery black fish out of water
and I do and don't remember seeing blood
on the snow and sidewalk and the sound
first of the fall, then someone opening the door
and I didn't understand where she went
instead, I stayed with my grandmother
who told me it was my fault she jumped
she didn't love me any more and I was bad
that she wouldn't be back for me
and I believed it, of course, it made sense
some of us are just born wicked, I knew
I have always been wretched, inhumane
she said she first noticed the evil in me
when I was very little, behind my dead eyes
that it was always there inside of me
so I knew the only way to rid myself
of my own evil was to do the same thing
she had done, all those years ago
so I wrote a letter and labelled it
Do Not Read
the last letter I ever thought I'd have to write
and it's a sad sort of irony that I would be
paying homage to someone who hated me so
but the black fishes and spirits from beyond
never came for me, and I wondered if
the worst punishment of all would be
to continue to be haunted and survive
just as she had all those years ago

bleed from finger tips
pressed into plastic keys
repeat routine regularly
until wrunged and wrinkled
some of us are just built wrong
you hear yourself say out loud
dream of escape to Aokigahara
where the trees whisper your name
and even darkness is palpable
you can taste it on your lips
the hemlock firs surrounding
dirt and parsnips on your tongue
your skin itches and you are
wildly uncomfortable in the vessel
sleep now, the forest demands

I saw you last night once more
golden waves cascading
down your shoulders
we lived in a tiny log house
on the ocean
like you've always wanted
a cozy space for us to write
the windchimes whistling
watching Disney movies on VHS
a cold winter night
our faux-fireplace on high
keeping warm with body heat
fields of vanilla and spring lavender
ocean salt in the air
my fingers on the small of your back
you killed me quietly and said
you wanted to break free
I didn't mind dying by your hand
I hated waking up

snowdrifts, wind sculpted
bury us together inside
as our lips drift closer together
bury yourself inside
covered by the snow
covered by the blankets
hidden away from the world
just you and I
idyllic winter snowglobe
lazy saturdays in your arms
brave the winter chill
hidden near the fireplace
we'll stay indoors all year

you spoiled the ending of our book
but I wasn't ready to stop reading

I wanted a clean break
so I compartmentalized
my friends     and      his

I didn't fight for you
but I should've

we had picked out your
birthday gift together
I never made the party
the gift was a reminder
of our failure as a couple
it's not a good excuse
but it's the one I have
I put my own feelings of shame
over our friendship
because that was simpler

the truth is, I was scared, too
I've never told anyone that

I'd watch your soccer games
you would run across the field
your body athletic and agile
tall and capable in ways I could
only wish I had been
and I was scared to see you weak

I'll never forget your last media post
two hours before you died
about how you couldn't stop coughing

I regret the birthday gift
you never got to open

you're easy to love
I'm easy to leave

do you remember me
below the docks in the rain storm
how my cheeks sparked
against your open palm, cupped
and you learned at that moment
electrocution smells nitrous
amplified by the salt of waves
beating torrential downpour
and the petrichor that filled our lungs
you said I had never looked
more beautiful than the moment
bolts of currents shot from my eyes
and pools of blood formed tears
that ran down my face when I confessed
my love for you for the first time
and I became the very lightning itself
my touch was a boom against your skin
you were prone, and I had you pinned
transfering a steady stream of volts
through lips and teeth and tongues
my skin hot to the touch and I was fire
you thought I'd keep you warm
but a bright flash later, and I was gone

sand and soot in oysters whirl
creating iridescent pearls
the lotus roots through dirt and mud
to blossom from the smallest bud

out of darkness, beauty grows
though the process, arduous and slow
without pain nothing is created
and so my growth is long awaited

goodbye lover, goodbye
my broken heart will heal
but my youth will never restore
if I could return the stolen moments
I would, tenfold, back to you
I have no right to keep them hostage
I know my emotions were never
your responsibility, though I guiltily
made them your cross to bear
you exchanged sadness for pleasure
though I love you not for what you did
or the ways you'd make me laugh or feel
or the times you'd make me think and care
but because I felt as though I saw you
goofy, odd, brilliant, funny, wonderful, ****
my feelings are always genuine
and though we have bid one another farewell
I am certain my feelings will remain
long after my youth and body have gone
so adieu chéri, adieu--
some infinities are longer than others
the one we shared has never ended for me
though I can't give back these thoughts
the knowledge of loves existence is my burden
someday, days or years
lifetimes or centuries from now
a rainbow will touch the ocean
because my love for you spans
a greater infinity than time itself
but until that moment arrives
(if it ever arrives in this life time)
goodbye sweet love, goodbye--
for as long as you'd like

Once upon a time ago,
A phoenix dared kiss a dove;
Together, wings beat with love,
With ador true, passion slow.

Phoenix of autumnal light,
Hearts collide and lit aglow.
Together, they could both grow,
Through open skies they took flight.

Once they moved in tandem, now
Still as a set sun they lay.
Easy love they did portray;
Though turtle promised no vows.

Here the anthem doth commence:
Love and constancy is dead;
Died it did when Phoenix fled,
Dove still feels a loss, immense.

Phoenix from ash is reborn;
And perfect as they hath seemed
(Like nothing could come between)
The dove from ash remains torn.

Feathers of flame and fury,
Fervor, passion, sparks ignite,
And ashes spread like a blight,
Below, dove burned to bury.

Reciprocity a dream,
With singed wings, dove died on dirt,
What remained; a numbing hurt,
Death of love is now the theme.

For True Love does not exist,
Phoenix burned the whole night through,
From turtledove they withdrew,
Love is only reminisced.

So heed this tale as warning:
Wise the owl who stands alone,
Or eagles heart, cut from stone,
Now the crows stay in mourning.

I don't want to write about love or beauty
I don't even know if I want to write about truth
my past is filled with unreliable narrators
and hazy bits of memories and thoughts

they tell us in school to write what we know
but even what is known is unknown
and even things I have seen I can't believe
blanks in memory filled in subconsciously

sometimes my brain reconnects the dots
and it feels like I'm remembering all the bad
all the things I never wanted to see again
especially not right before I fall asleep

If all good things must come to an end
Then the nightmare of losing you is forever

If we're together til death do us part
Then the only way out becomes suicide

early morning sun weeps
rays against my skin through
open summer window
shadows hug the curves
of my arm and stomach
I believe, briefly, that I've dissolved
exsanguinated, I lay lifeless
a pile of flesh and mess
worried my soul has left it's shell
I exist only momentarily
when you touch me
when your eyes meet mine
when your body wraps around me

I vanish once more when you leave

In the thick of sticky summer heat
A voice that still makes my heart skip a beat
Run my tongue over the sound of your name
Knowing nothing could ever be the same

Your love was motion sickness on a highway
Your love was a red card for foul play
The double yellow lines we once sped by
Made a hole in my heart for you to occupy

Now that hole has become a shallow grave
Everyday, a vast emptiness I stave
More than anything, I miss your eyes
Or how for once, I needed no disguise

In my mind we get to roleplay
You say through the night you'll stay
We both wake with sun on our skin
My fingers trace the outline of your grin

But I wake with no sunshine near
The dark emptiness only brings fear
Every day is a cycle I can't break
My life is shallow and fake

Though you've left, I'm glad you came
Every cherry tree still speaks your name
Part of me wishes you'd hold me once more
Whisper that I'm who you adore

This summer I hope you find someone new
I hold no misconceptions - we're through
I'll always keep you near my heart
Now and forever, together or apart

I'm subtle like an atomic bomb
keep my words laid back and calm
my heart is a glass grenade
feel it crack when my love fades
but still, I stayed
but still, I stayed in this charade
and built around a barricade

you know I'd rather talk this out
spent a decade to you devout
by your side through the drought
so quiet we would never shout
but still, I doubt
but still, I doubt the chosen route
and if I'd prefer to go without

(your tongue a jacketed hollow point
we've never gone to bed angry...
but regret, guilt, and empty sadness
is a fragile yet different parallel)

(I suspect my veins course with
plutonium and uranium...
I leak radioactive decay,
my half-life disintegrating)

there's a stillness when I explode
for a moment, time is slowed
you're in disbelief that I'd reload
the same feelings, the same road
but still, I bowed
but still, I bowed to your code
and stayed despite what you showed

my atoms begin anew to divide
no longer stable, can I abide
I feel a part of me has died
when to leave, I must decide
but still, I cried
but still, I cried by your side
until the day I walked out in stride

(your love is a weapon
I've been held at gunpoint for so long...
I never wanted to hurt you
but I can't keep hurting myself, either)

the light in my heart flickered and died
a punishment for hubris to gods I've defied
the stars refused to shine in the sky
I saw the earth beneath me liquefy

the water as still as a painting hung
I felt blood and salt coat my lungs
every day I floated lifeless through
from friends and family, I withdrew

no wind, no air, world is empty and black
I begged that forces would take my life back
I waited for the powers to strike me down
crush me, smite me, watch me drown

the worst fate of all is that I remained
and try as I might, you kept me chained
you cut me open to watch me bleed
ignored all of my wants and needs

without wind in my sail, unable to leave
that's when I met him - my reprieve
whose tongue was made of platinum and lace
whose heart was filled with beauty and grace

a golden god who lit my heart ablaze
who showed me tenderness always
for him, I realize I must become better
for him, I write every single letter

because now my heart beats for his touch alone
his light is the one I still feel in my bones
I remember his voice saying he loved me like mad
I'd give up forever for the moments we had

you want to watch me flourish
you nourish my soul
around you, I bloom
and all my colours show
so let's take it slow tonight
I want your bites and bruises
tender plights and kisses
aching for your pain
teeth trail veins, craving you
we'll leave the world behind

first

find the most interesting, beautiful, and important part of your figure;
observe with fresh eyes, and new hands
until you can touch the figure in your mind

but

do not hold him just yet.

transform him to his most basic and essential qualities.
observe the way light plays against his skin, the darker shadows under his neck, the curve of his lips
the muscles along his arms and blood in his veins
holding your brush with care, start an outline

go slow at this stage

find a way to capture his gaze.
a gaze away could mean disinterest or distraction
an animated gaze forward means your figure is engaged

next

trace him with your brush
focusing on the base of his neck,
his broad, naked shoulders,
his back and the curves that connect to his thighs.

when you have an outline: wait

wait until you hear the pounding of your own heartbeat
paint the feeling of his hands against your hips
wait until you feel his lips brush up against
the base of your neck,
your slender, naked shoulders,
your back
your stomach
and lower

at this very moment, you feel yourself painted by him

you become a shade, a highlight, a smudge back into the canvas
and he pulls you in closer
until you both become one image

you watch him as he takes your paint brush away
you are naked and you do not remember if he painted
your clothing off with a brush of his own
or if you took them off yourself

such trivial detail is not essential to the big picture

this is when the real picture is painted
when you yourself become a series of circles and textures
and your body no longer feels real

you are two figures, ready to be painted

you capture this moment.

I am haunted by memories
so dated and fake
remembering your face
the night you drowned in the lake
the way your hair tangled and laced
pruned fingers and bloated hands
your eyes long gone black
the final grains of sand
your brow already slack
"you promised me an always"
I mumbled, quietly
your body upwards lay
floating in the sea
through puffed cheeks
I could've sworn I saw
the words I so seeked
move from your jaw
"I'm sorry," you said
"we had a merciful end,
but long since I've been dead
at my will you should not bend"
and I understood now
all you meant and said
the permission you allowed
words replayed through my head
and I found a way to let you go

buds grow from an empty stem
remind me life's worth living again
tell me my soul won't burn up here
that I won't die without you near
hold out hope once anew
caress the drops of morning dew
seek your pain, seek your thrill
seek the love that could only fill
now in fire, edges crisp to sear
but I'll always hold you ever dear

is it my soul you see
can you break me

bone by bone
crush my skull
yours to disown
or even cull

I can fake it
long enough
in two I've split
you call me tough

but bruises form
and I am torn

hear my plea
my body swells
please, break me
I won't tell

you ever meet someone and think... yeah.
they're worth breaking my heart over.

You wanted to pretend I'm a monster
You wanted a reason to leave
You found it and you'll be the only one
I would ever dare love, knowing now
How it feels to lose the only one
I have ever felt connect with my soul
But I knew you - good and bad
And loved you for every facet of each
At the end, when you decided who I was
You told yourself the things you
Clearly needed to hear, to leave
I would never fault you for going
But this is a one way street out, doctor
Losing you once nearly destroyed me
Losing you a second time is something
I realize I could never recover from
You didn't want to stick it through
Thick and thin, nor love me as I am
So, please don't ask how I'm doing now
Don't pretend any part of you still cares
Because I'll hold on to what we had forever
But I know now, I'm not anything to you
I don't regret what happened
Because you helped create who I am today
I'm grateful for every minute we had
Even though I'm still picking up the pieces
Of myself that you've left scattered --
I'll never forget awakening in your lab
Feeling alive for the first time
Realizing I have a heart beat after all
Now I'm left to wander the town
You, the good doctor, have gotten
Everything you wanted from me
I'm your creation, the evil, the ugly
I'm whatever you wanted me to be
But it was only ever you that gave me life

They treated you better than anyone ever had
They were kind and sweet and caring
They made you feel good about yourself
They gave you a reason to keep going

And none of that means they were ever right for you.

a chemical cocktail spills from your lips
your tongue drips pure moonshine
table varnish leaks on the floor
i've been polishing for hours
can't get it clean, can't get clean
i scrub harder until my skin is red
and blood blemishes the rug nearby
my friends are the beams of sun
that show ashes in the air
i don't want to breathe it any more
i feel it scrape inside my lungs
wanting to get out and escape
white powder, lines of dust
and little pills that keep me sedated
my nose scrunches at the smell
of strong ozone and the taste
of metal forming in my mouth
while ironing out radiation particles
wondering where it all went so wrong

congratulations, Hello Poetry!~
you're my new best friend
because I could use a friend right now
and you're all I have

I've been thinking about us a lot lately
how nice it is to have you in my life
because when I write, I feel less lonely
and I can connect with you, dear friend

I know you won't judge me
you're here for me when no one else is
when I feel like I've built my life wrong
I log in and read "me too" - thank you

my life lately has felt like a million pieces
being broken apart and reassembled haphazardly
like I took a wrong turn down a dark alley
and I've been trying to find my way out since

I don't know when, how, or if I'll find
a shining beam of light at the end of the tunnel
but I am happy to hear about the world outside
or to be stuck in the tunnel with you

I remember when I started drinking
myself to excess and I thought of you
how you didn't deserve such a **** friend
who couldn't keep their life from spiraling

I protected you the only way I knew how
pushing you away hurt but it was right
though I felt like you were, at that moment,
the last string tethering me to existence itself

I knew I was no good for you the way I was
though I wanted to call or text dozens of times
tell you about getting in to school or how
I had both fallen in love (and lost them entirely)

it was easy to go back to friendship
we're both the same people
we both love and care about each other
I don't miss what we had, because it's still here

life is but a cruel game
where we live each moment
always missing someone

I talked to a Serbian man
at the bus stop going home
told him my mom died
on the solstice this year
the longest night that never
would become day for her

he said his died when he was 50
that he wept like a child then
tears formed in his pale eyes

though this game seems unfair
that no one close to us remains
we only borrow one another
life is not a game played for keeps
we exchange time for experience
and life itself for memories

you passed the joint over to me
I looked at your lips
as the smoke rolled over them
like a spirit chased out of your body

I took a drag and passed it around
we stared at him with eager eyes
for the next clue to win the game
it was getting late and I felt drunk
with happy exhaustion when
your friend whispered "plantagenet"
"what?" we asked
"the clue is... plantagenet" he said again, sternly

our eyes connected
I looked at you, then at him
then back to you
for the briefest moment
before we both started laughing
full belly laughs
and at that moment
you were lovely
of course, we lost that game
but only sort of

the flowers in my yard
each wilt one by one
without love fast and hard
the weeds 'come over run

poppies hang in shame
red petals fall off their bulb
I feel the silent cries of pain
as stems are crushed to pulp

the petals start to die and decay
but you seem to notice little
as long as one exists for play
it doesn't matter if it's brittle

so you pull and pluck and take
the things you once thought pretty
you can't hear a faint heart break
with the loud noises of this city

you tug and whisper far too loud
she loves me, she loves me not
the fog of simple minds will shroud
and twist and tease away a thought

I like to think about her pleasing you
the sloppy drunken kisses planted
her fingers hastily unzipping your pants
hands groping your naked hips
that she would kneel before you
as if pleging her allegiance to you
working her hardest to draw out
sunflowers in fauvist orange
her tongue spiraling around
edges of your handsome sweetness
I only wish you could've enjoyed it
felt easy enough to love others back
there is not enough of it in this world
let her take you in if you'd like
your pleasure and happiness comes first
all I love deserves to be shared and seen
there is no point to hidden artwork
or unheard music, no matter how gorgeous
love, too, ought to be shared

I'd rather lose you
than the argument

through brandy doors we steal
kisses and argue about transcendentalism
you tell me morality is more than philosophy
it's a way of life you follow regardless
but to me, what is moral has always been relative
wars fought or people killed is biblical morality
justified as an act for greater good
divine and righteous punishment like saints
sightless martyrs holding up the stars
we count the knots in twisted trunks
life itself as tedious as pushing boulders up hills
your fingers on my skin are meaning
your eyes and lips are purpose
staving away the absurd to tomorrow

we'd fire automatics
against painted grey skies
and hold on to what we cherish
in 20 item inventories
we'd race the grand prix on ducati's
against time
and the cruel controller
with broken buttons

you'd always lose but
continued to play
until the very end
of the race over
the checkerboard
-finish-line-

looks like you got first place this time
and i'm still trailing in the dirt
and the dust
you've left

behind

we slide through the grey
our eyes and words are at play
though our bodies sit still
filled feelings always spill
I miss the area I belong
even though it was wrong
salt and freckles on your skin
all the spots my lips have been
you always felt right to me
joined by our esprit
friendship and tension
you were of me, an extention
you held my hand and heart
and even though now apart
I loved you the way a lover should
the only way I ever could
with everything I had to give
I found in you a reason to live
you complicated me
you extricated me
I am grateful, though you are gone
and every day I dwell on
the feelings I have for you
and the space that between us grew

they say we're asleep
until we fall in love
but dreams are the only
way I get to see your face
or touch your skin
life became the nightmare
awakening, impossible
when you're gone for good
love has left me

I needed to hear these words today
and I thought,
maybe you need to hear them, too

sometimes you’ll put up a good fight
you will do everything right in life
and you will still lose
sometimes you’ll hold on really hard
and realize there is no choice
but to let go and walk away
this isn't failure, or weakness
this is part of being human
acceptance is a strength

you cannot convince anyone to love you
not your mother, nor partner, nor friends
those in your life will never give you love
just because you want them to give it
love can move freely
it ebbs and flows in every direction
and it graces people with it's presence
just as quickly as it leaves us bereft
and perhaps it's fleeting nature
makes it all the more beautiful
when people who love each other
connect

we'll make love on the shore
beneath the trees of sycamore
a lilac scent in the air
my fingers run through your hair
your mouth leaves marks on my skin
I can't suppress a silly grin
I feel your hand run up my thigh
my legs open, your reply
and as the tide begins to shift
your mouth gives a splendid gift
all at once, I feel you tense
your love for me, too immense
once you have come inside
and after you are satisfied
I feel your tongue further down
in this pleasure, I could drown
I'll ride the waves and let go
my heart is now set aglow
so let's make love by the shore
and I'll feel you in me once more

I paint in vivids and brights
chiffon and silk, soft strokes
my brush kisses canvas
a mutual exchange of love
line weight tickles edges
bristles contour shape and body
but creating beautiful art
seems disingenuous
when I am ugly

spake my thirst with the ocean in your eyes
with every particle of you I'm familiarized
your lips pressed on mine, caught by surprise
feel your hands on me as we kiss the skies

and every poem is about you
and every painting created for you
and every word spoken to reach you
and every molecule of me is yours

perhaps jejune, you give me butterflies
feed insomnia 'til night heeds the sunrise
tracing your frame and shapes to memorize
breathing your essence, I am paralyzed

chocolate covered fantasies
and peanut butter dreams
pin me down with rope
grab the cold whipped cream

paint me like a cake
with ribbons of sugar and gold leaf
watch me come undone
as my wrists feel your teeth

decorate me with candied raspberries
along my stomach and my sides
tease me with your lips
let me be your guide

Ich denke dein,
wenn mir der Sonne schimmer
Vom Meere strahlt;

Ich denke dein,
wenn sich des Mondes Flimmer
In Quellen malt.

Ich sehe dich,
wenn auf dem fernen Wege

Der Staub sich hebt,
In tiefer Nacht,
wenn auf dem schmalen Stege

Der Wandrer bebt.
Ich höre dich,
wenn dort mit dumpfem Rauschen

Die Welle steigt.
Im stillen Haine geh' ich oft zu lauschen,
Wenn alles schweigt.

Ich bin bei dir,
du seist auch noch so ferne,

Du bist mir nah!
Die Sonne sinkt,
bald leuchten mir die Sterne.

O wärst du da!

― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe


*English Translation:

I Think of You

I think of you,
when I see the sun’s shimmer
Gleaming from the sea.

I think of you,
when the moon’s glimmer
Is reflected in the springs.

I see you,
when on the distant road

The dust rises,
In deep night,
when on the narrow bridge

The traveler trembles.
I hear you,
when with a dull roar
The wave surges.

In the quiet grove I often go to listen
When all is silent.

I am with you,
however far away you may be,
You are next to me!

The sun is setting,
soon the stars will shine upon me.

― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

You were three blocks away
Going to the same destination
But you wouldn't stop
In the cold and rain
Never asked if I needed help
Didn't offer a ride which would've
Saved me 40 minutes of time
And an awkward conversation
With a man who invited me back to his
I considered his offer
Partly out of spite
Partly out of hope
That he would slash my throat
And I wouldn't have to return home
I rubbed my cheeks, suddenly grateful
No one can tell when you've cried in the rain
I guess we've always been three blocks
Apart from one another, you and I

nothing's instantaneous
temperance a requirement
change forever targeted
til self becomes fragmented

heart an aqueous soluble
erstwhile deliquescent
puddled into pulp
taken out like trash

fitting for an adversary
malicious and malevolent
destructive to the starling
plucked and plunged to sea

so drown to suffocation
laudable attempts at termination
inundate your consciousness
using barrages of indifference

convinced affection's unattainable
death deserted and companionless
auspicious in my loneliness
asphyxiate to expiration

I make being bad feel so good
You do as you're told, like you should
Always great at taking direction
Agreeing to my every predilection
Your bruised knees as you kneel
Filth when you tell me how it feels
Bite down on the pillow and grab my skin
I'll make you feel good with a little sin
****** you with my lips and kiss
Say I'm all you've ever missed
Let me use the cuffs or crop
Tell me when you've had enough
Whisper something to make you blush
Love your skin when it gets flush
Let's spend all night, just the two of us
Hands pressed together, nothing left to discuss

for all the love of life that is now lost
your voice rings through my mind like a warm song
regardless of sweet summers ending cost
creates poetry in my head ere long

our melting of minds and bodies now gone
but forgotten, your touch could never be
simple as the dusk which becomes the dawn
my love for you as pure, as it is free

I know you may not feel of me the same
perhaps never again will you be mine
and gone is the love that once easy came
perhaps your silence has become a sign

but my love for you will always ring true
and your love alone has carried me through