regret.
i regret letting you in.

love will always start with illusion.
and i fell in love with
the mirage you displayed.
i told myself that
the person i fell in love with
was still there.
that is why i stuck around

for so long.

for so long i believed that you still loved me
as much as the sun loved the sky.
even when you said you didn’t,
even when your voice didn’t feel like

home.

home was late night conversations.
home was your laugh ringing in my ears.
but what was once the house we loved in,
it is now dominated by ghosts.

it has been 8 months.
i still

regret.
i regret letting you in.

a body filled with familiar dread
you might say my body is already dead
my head is said to be quite fretful
took moments of quietude for granted;
and now i’m constantly regretful

the restlessness of my emotions
address my state of mind
and the distressed thoughts run around my head like guerrilas
they know they are running out of time
my jittery heart runs rampant
like a broken clock
and my only wish is for all of this to stop

the apprehension creates a detonation
a complete eradication of my elation
because my body is filled with familiar dread
and my body feels like it’s already dead

a new beginning starts here.
when we let the absence of words
sink in our skin and flow through
the red and blue veins.
to let silence become apart of us as a whole.
and to be ridden of awkward
and gently colored with tranquility.
when we are consumed with the most
heavenly stillness,
we appreciate the things
that normally don’t come to eye.

a new beginning starts here.
an interconnection manifested in the
deficiency of conversation.
it is an ambience that is better than any
formulation of sentences,
and our unspoken vowels and consonants
playfully roll around
in the quiet rest of the atmosphere;
it speaks louder than your steady heartbeat
and collected breathing.

i stand in a graveyard.
i see, though i am blinded by the past.
i see millions of tombstones surrounding me,
each one has words i dare not read.
i am scared,
and i am alone.
though i am not alone, there are ghosts who hold faces that are familiar around me.
they tell me that the light shall come soon.
they promise me this.
i do not believe them,
i have been fooled too many times.
and as i walk throughout this graveyard i come to a realization;
no matter how many ghosts stand by my side,
i am the only one who is of real flesh and bone.
who stands above the ground and not beneath it.
i cannot come to terms if this is good or not.

i envy the cars that end up driving south.
the streetlights are tempting,
and blurred buildings tell me
“there’s other ways out”.
a handful of exit plans,
and empty destinations,
that i am reminded once again
in this world it is truly every man for themselves.
because if it were different
silence wouldn’t be my only company,
as i drive absentmindedly
hating every exit sign i see.

maybe the thought of having nowhere to go
is more humble
than the thought of having no one to give you a place to be.

life planted an empty hole
in my chest
and hoped for something
to grow out of it

it stuffed my mind with
crumbled paper
and gave my thoughts
a pen

lying awake
and looking for all of the answers
in my ceiling.

asking why
it has to be me who feels this way
               (feeling completely lifeless, and absolutely hopeless)

asking You
               “haven’t you taken enough from me?”
               “why must you haunt my dreams?”

and the only bit of light i have
comes from the streetlight by my window,
it shines on You.

and from the corner i hear You,
with a vacant and harrowing tone.
and the detached vowels and consonants
echo throughout the hallways.
they hang themselves on the wall
as a reminder.

               “they say nothing kills a man faster than his own head”.

in the light of pure adolescence;
we see.
and in the air of willful disobedience;
we breathe.
our actions fuel off of the energy
of the violent sunsets.
and we find our individual tranquility
in the nights in which we wander.
not only do we wander, but we wonder.

the playful range of shades the sky possesses
makes us wonder and wander.
looking past on the identities
we were told to portray,
we create our own full of
vibrancy and reason.
this identity gives us a powerful passion
that thrives off of the rays of the sun.
a passion that gives us the motivation to
continue on this messy road of colors.
to continue on our ephemeral yet indelible
adventures throughout the course of life.

i am the architect of my own demolition.
i know what ive done, but i will not admit
that i am the cause.
i know that by admitting it,
i will never be able to live with myself.
so with that,
i choose to blatantly ignore
all evidence you throw at me.
i will ignore my own head,
yet alone
the thoughts that rage in yours.

but the funny thing is,
my head will forever be louder
than the words you continue to yell at me.
my head is equivalent to
the loud static of a broken television;
only not able to be turned off.
i am saving myself from my own destruction.
but at the same time
i am creating more for you.

you are the rug i sweep all my actions under.
you are the jar i hide all my confessions in.
for i am a monster,
a monster only seen
when i look into the mirror.
you are my mirror.

for so long,
i made one with the cracks in the road,
making sure i never stepped on one.
and i never cared to notice
how tired i was from doing it.

maybe it was because
the innocence
and easygoing youth
shielded my eyes
like the white linen curtains
that used to hang lazily on my window.

for so long,
the nine o’clock news
never bothered me
as much as it does now.
and the fact that everyone seems to drag their feet
at the same miserable pace
never struck my mind.
days keep growing faster
at an undetectable rate,
and i’m just starting to see that.

maybe it was because
reality tore the drapes down,
letting all of the light
shine on the things that were
left in the dark.
because growing older
was one of the things
that i chose
to leave in the corner.

i never really know what to say
how to say it, and how to get the heavy
vowels and consonants off my tired tongue
in an equal demeanor
and no matter how much i plan it,
no matter how much i skim my
hands through seemingly silky waters,
words become rigid
as they roll helplessly
out of my cardboard mouth

i want to be clean and straightforward
clear and understandable
but i always seem to come out as
a jagged line or illegible handwriting
my mumbled words and thoughts
that lay behind my paper thin skull
stand still like secrets
in whispering houses under the moon
and they beg to be let out

i only wish i could speak as easily as i write
because words have much more meaning
when they are finally let out of cages
made of paper and pen

how do you love something back to life?
how do you heal someone who is unrepairable?
what do you rely on? what do you use?
hope is merely but a bandaid on a broken bone.
no amount of love can fix what was already broken.

we were broken from the start;
nothing more and nothing less.
we built our love on a foundation of false hope.
nothing more
and nothing left.

long days = long nights
long nights
are the only thing i’ve been trained for.
i’ve been chained to you.
long nights become longer
because i am missing you.
you are my hope to be who i want to be,
but you are the only thing
that's holding me back from being
me.

i want to live with you.
in a house in the suburbs or in an apartment in the city. i want to wake up and see you next to me, knowing that i am no longer alone throughout the dreary and isolated nights. i want to feel you next to me, to feel your chest rise and fall delicately, to harmonize our breaths in unison. i want to feel your warmth radiate onto me. i want to see you in your most peaceful state, covered in sun that comes through the window. i want to go out and buy groceries, then come home to cook for us. i want to share my shower with you, and i want to carry all of your children. i want to share early mornings and late nights with you. i wish to create a home with you, to let our love flourish within the walls we call ours. i want you by my side when i experience the little things that happen so subtly, yet are remembered for a lifetime.

i want be alive with you.
i want to live like there’s no tomorrow with you. i want to feel the rush of adrenaline or to be stuck in awe in moments that captivate us. and in moments of trouble, i want to know that you will be there so i won’t have to face anything alone. i want to see the world and be caught in it’s action with you. i want to go to France or to Italy to be immersed in the culture with you. i want to see you in your complete ecstasy, to see you feeling just as alive as i do when i am around you. i want to be caught up in your euphoria and jubilation. i want you to take my hand so i can take your name. and as the years start wind down and today begins to feel just like yesterday, i want you to be there, having been through it all. i want to grow old and recollect on our effervescent youth, and wish to do it all over again.

“the rise, and the fall. living life with someone, and being alive with someone. it’s a broad topic and feeling that can only be defined by two words: true romance.
now tell me, have you ever had that?”

beautiful blue
the sky seems everlasting above me
the clouds desperately reach for each other
like they may never meet again
like they may never feel love again

i sympathize with them
the longing for love
the yearning of partnership
my perception of what that is
forever twisted by this shadow
casted upon my life

why cant i be happy?
why do the people who
are supposed to love me
despise me?
i am reduced to bones by their deductions
i am nothing but a shell of their projections
ive been persecuted to this living hell
with their reprehensions

i look to the eternal sky
standing on the edge
nobody knows what resides in my head
maybe its better that way
my thoughts need not be said
a choice between two paths
to be alive or to be dead

i don’t like how fast time flies.
one moment you have somebody
and the next you find yourself
reminiscing over moments that
went by so quickly they appeared
to not even be there at all.

was it like that with me for you?
was i just a fragment of a second
in your entire lifetime?
was i somebody that was out of focus
in an already blurry world?
remember the image of me,
even if that image is one
you cannot remember.
even if it is one you try to distort
at night, and clear your head of.

and now look at where we are.
once intertwined,
we stand separately and
watch the years go by.
it seemed like yesterday that i
was in your arms, and you
had still loved me the way
you say you never did, now.
our wounds are not masked by the time.
no matter how much we try to
hide and heal them,
we both are aware of the chaos we have
caused each other.
and we both do nothing about it.
all we do is let the countless minutes
take over us as we wish things didn’t
turn out the way it did.

i don’t like how fast time flies.
because i have lost memories with you
to the tide of seconds in between us.
i drown in remorse as you create new ones.
and i can only question;
does the time tick away anxiously for you too?

when you had described your eyes as boring,
a dull and dark brown, almost appearing to be black,
i could have never disagreed more.

your eyes deep, dark, and daring at first.
sharing the same sable color as the fur of a great black bears,
seeming savage and unsafe,
were eyes i hesitated to trust.

but when the golden silk of the sun lays upon them,
a caramel colored explosion appears.
with significant streams of burnt sienna and sepia
flowing like fragile veins through the iris.

your eyes remind me of sunlight streaming through
bottles of whiskey.
they remind me of whispered woods in the afternoon
and copper immersed in summers honey-like glow.

i’ve fallen in love many times.
stared into the eyes of my so called
lovers,
and found nothing within the deep pits of their pupils.
i found nothing in the mixtures of color that spiraled
from these dark parts of them.

but your eyes were so much more than eyes.
they were bedtime stories from childhood,
and they were the safety i had longed for.

to say that they are just boring
would be an insult.
to say they are just beautiful
would be an understatement.

my heart walks along a new path,
a road filled with cracks and certainty
in the hope that time does heal all wounds,
and that one day i will fall in love again.

this path seems solemn and lonely.
my state of mind more introspective
and versatile
with only the gentle whispers of the wind
to accompany my racing thoughts.
the fresh air soothes my wary frame
and embraces my soul within.

its hard not having you around,
to ramble to, to laugh with, to be present with;
as i am reminded of your absence
in the presence of my solitude.

but ive grown to find the grueling process
to be a beautiful one.
because with pain and sorrow i was exposed
to the depth and magnitude of my essence.
i was introduced to myself as you simply
mirrored my reflection back to me.

i realized i was always whole.
i was always here.
and ill still be here after youve gone.

an independent incarnation of
all my past lives lessons,
and all my futures regrets.

i am all.
i am the universe personified.

it is complex,
like the waves
that crash their beauty into the sand;
only to retract and wash away its traces.

it appears and comes by so suddenly.
and it could leave you in the dark
just as quickly.

it could be the transition of winter to spring;
the once cold and conceited atmosphere transforms into something full of light and growth.
the flowers bloom and bring back that familiar warm feeling;
the feeling of compassion and admiration.

it could be the way your cheeks take upon a rosy tint when the temperature drops
and the sky becomes a milky white tone.
it mends your shallow brain,
it shows you things
that aren’t noticeable to those who have lost their faith.
these things melt the ice barrier you have kept around your heart for so long.

it could be the way your words and promises dance upon the rays that pour through the window in the early morning;
words and promises that are full of
innocent truth instead of guilt.

it could be all of these lovely things,
but it can also be the hurricane that destroys it all.
it can manipulate you
with is energy and magnificence,
do not let yourself get caught in the storm.

i find it hard to let you know
what is really going through my mind
because words tend to stay locked
behind a wall of confusion
and the looks you give me
only reflect the sadly truthful words
you had said not too long ago,
blinding anything i’ve ever wanted
to give to you
and leaving behind only a shadow
hiding away the limp thoughts
i regret not saying sooner

but there is still this hollow feeling i get
that begs for recognition in the midst
of moving on
that makes falling seem just so right
again

because when you ask me if i love you,
i only wish i had the courage to say
“you make it hard for me not to.”

what is the meaning
behind all this commotion?
i unravel my feelings
and regain my devotion
to deciphering the thing
we call our emotions

i pick and poke at them
in a familiar notion
i guess some would call
a deprived locomotion
despite the fear
of what i may find
i begin to finally
dissect my mind

somehow and some way
i find my composure
surrounded by physical manifestations
of whatever’s left over
the sadness and pain
the disappointment and shame

i find a sacred meaning
in all of this commotion
i look at myself
and im filled with devotion
i allow myself to feel
these emotions

and just like a storm
they eventually pass
the peace i sought
setting in at last
the sun begins to rise
reminding me that its okay
as i begin to look forward
to a brighter day

i will not allow my fear to guide me anymore.

have you ever had anyone that you were so
immensely infatuated with?
to the point of no return,
where when you look into their eyes you feel as if
you’ve climbed the highest mountain in the whole universe;
a feeling of victory, satisfaction, and relief.
because you’ve finally found a person
who completes you.
because you’ve finally found a person
who shows you life, so vividly and so creatively.
even in the simplest of times,
things drip with color and radiate with meaning.
and in times of anger, confusion, and doubt,
those colors never go away.
the meaning of it all never goes away.

they define everything,
yet no silly formulation of vowels and consonants
could ever define them.
they and the feeling you get from them
is truly ineffable.
someone who you know in and out,
and someone really understands you.
they’re someone who you can experience life with, in many ways.
every moment in time that you share with them is always valuable.
no matter what you do, or where you go,
they diffuse a sense of contagious tranquility and joy.
the time spent with them is a type of happiness that money cannot buy.

maybe that’s why it hurts so deeply when things go south.
you’ve lost something that the world has made only one of.
it’s a grieving feeling, because you know that
the feeling is something that can never be brought back.
you know that the presence that was so engraved in your life is gone.
you’ve lost someone who made the unexplainable make sense.
you’ve lost someone who you thought you’d grow old with.
the swelling of your heart has grown empty.
and life returns back to its dull and hazy ways.

the rise, and the fall.
living life with someone,
and being alive with someone.
it’s a broad topic and feeling
that can only be defined by two words:
true romance.
now tell me, have you ever had that?

my poetry is undefinable
for my mind is simply indescribable

words are stretched and analyzed
true meanings surface, breaking ties

recollect and reminisce
i know that i’m someone you might miss

look within and you might find
the things you search for when i write

you do not own my thoughts anymore.

i saw your face in a dream of mine
your hair so familiar, your gentle grin
your skin softly lit, your words blurry,
but meaningful
i fell in love immediately,
there was no such thing as time
i wanted to make you mine
but for some reason i couldn’t speak
my lips and wary limbs felt weak
being in your presence made me meek
but it was alright, because your voice
filled the space where mine was supposed
to meet

i don’t remember your face in
this conscious life
but your pacific ambience lingers
in the folds of my mind

i hope to meet you one day
so i can admire your face
and treasure your rambles
outside the subconscious traces
of my lonely imagination

youarenothereanymore,
but the ringing of your voice
comes around occasionally.
you are a face that i cannot
getoutofmyhead.
no matter how many times
i try to eradicate the thoughts that
linger,
they sneak through the cracks and
infectmymind
once again.
you are like a stain on my favorite shirt,
no matter how noticeable you are,
i cannot gather up the courage
to throw you out.
my mind is at a constant war,
but in the end i know that i need to forget you.

youarenothereanymore,
but you are still hurting me.

-magnetic
-physical
-social

these are the types of connections
i experience
when i see you.

you do not know
how alluring you are (to me).

you do not know
how at home you feel (in my arms).

you do not know
i want you (us) to be more
than this.

i want you to be mine (only mine).

but you will never know (my thoughts).

and i can only hope
that you feel this connection too
(my love,
please let me know).

my heart is in pain
it is not because of what you have done
it is because of what i didn’t do
out of fear of you leaving
even after you hurt me once again

my progression starts now

this time,
i will not tell myself that i am overreacting
this time,
i will not blame myself for things that you have done
this time,
i will not hide my feelings
to protect your hollow heart
this time i will move on
and leave you to fall apart

though i had to learn this the hard way,
my advice to you;
do not let your problems control you
do not let your guilt dominate you
understand where you stand
take responsibility
so you don’t leave your next beloved
fearing your absence
rather than
loving your presence

i dont think you understand
the quiet turmoil in my mind
every second feels like an hour
and every hour feels like nine
im spiraling
falling down the rabbit hole
of what not to do, what not to be
what not to think, what not to dream

i romanticize the darker things
the ugly things, the crueler things,
the taboo aspects of life
im fixated on you
as an answer to all questions,
as an end to all my strife

you are my biggest secret,
my fondest promise,
my disheartening delight,
my comfort in the unknown,
and my conclusion of the night

as much as i hate to say it
youve always brought me the most
fellow feelings,
the most solace,
and the most reassurance
you are always my last option,
you are the devil on my shoulder

its a sad thing, really
that you will ultimately be the end of me.

i do not want to ruin myself,
but at the same time i’d
ruin myself
completely
just to feel love again.

our love was the morning sky
courageously pink and quietly blue
seemingly everlasting and sincere
daring, to say the least

our love was the sounds of chicago
trains rumbling and music thumping
people talking, cars mumbling
us walking, hand in hand

i cant seem to get you out of my head

our love was us naively believing in each other
us sitting in my room, or yours
our bodies molded together like clay
and our souls embracing each other
in the comforting atmosphere
alongside the setting sky
framed by the window

our love was our favorite movies and shows
and the late nights we embarked on
watching every single one of them
our tired eyes and tired beings
resting on each other

and i now find it funny,
because in those loving moments,
i remember thinking
“i dont want these memories to fade”,
“i dont want our love to disappear”,

and now im desperately holding onto
whatever visual resides in my head,
your face is getting blurry,
your voice is becoming hazier,
my heart is sinking deeper
as all the colors mix into
the darkened hue of sadness
that is your departure

our love is this song
that rings in my ears late at night
it posseses a beautiful and humbling,
yet terrifyingly isolative melody
as my heart and mind conjoin
to accept this new reality

i will love you forever
as your ghost remains in my head
but everyday i cant help but wonder
“what could we have done, instead?”

life doesn't make sense
but you do.
i fight this war alone
but you are there.
i will continue to fight
as long as you stay.
i will doubt you
but you put me back in place.
i will always love you
but you will soon replace me.
i realize
you are an illusion;
lovely at first, until your eyes
adjust.
i see clearly now.

they say love will always start with illusion
but as we had made our way home
the streetlights had shined on
what was really on the inside
it shined on your soul
and its shadows covered
all of the doubts
that i ever had

it was almost an instinct
because when i had looked over
and saw you in the midst of
your tranquility
you beamed and bloomed with colors
that i swore i’d never seen before
everything had gracefully clicked
and fallen in the very right place

i had promised myself, then
that my love for you
would go on until the end of time
even if yours didn’t
even if your love was meant
for someone else
i had devoted myself to you,
i wanted to give you all of me
and i wanted to be the one to give you
the love you had always deserved

in that moment
was a compilation of every other moment
that lead to this one
that lead to me realizing
that it was you
who i wanted to spend the rest of my life with

there are two sides of you.
youdisplay
dilated eyes full of
intense admiration.
soft skin that glows like
a stars collision.
but they do not know
you cover up your blemishes.
your lips curve upwards;
red,
like the blood you bleed with.

there are two sides of you.
youhideaway
a wary heart broken like
the bonds you dream of.
a head full of pain dominated by
the ones you needed.
your sore and useless limbs;
you know you let them in.
an empty mind full of dead ends;
you know you let them win.

yearning for you
my mind knows better than to love you
but you are the only thing that keeps me afloat this sorrow sea
full of hatred to those who let me drown
though you hold me
i can see you growing tired
i am wary of you now
knowing that you are on the brink
of letting the waves take over

i no longer yearn for you
my heart chooses to ignore the icy waters
and create its own raft made of lost love letters
i decided to never show to you
though i wish for you to never let go
i cannot trust you to keep me around
so i sit upon the raft of forgotten words of affection
and i find my own way to survive

they say to follow your heart
since it is closer to your gut
but i will not follow
what has been broken before
for the very same reasons as now

never will i thrive off of this love
not when i know that it is unequal