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Aug 2019 · 313
You Say
Alif Imran Aug 2019
The voices in my head
The voices that always say
That I'm not good enough
That I'm not capable of love
That i'm ****** to be hurt
Bleed to death
Keeps getting louder
And louder
and LOUDER
UNTIL I HAVE TO SCREAM
TO  TALK AND COAX MYSELF.

Each time I think
I had the best, the better of me
They keep coming at me
Throwing shades
Making me feels small
Like I'm not enough
Like I'm not going to make it

You say that it's in my head
But i feel them in my bones
You say that I am okay
But I cry myself to sleep
You say I'm happy
When i'm holding in the tears
You say I'm going to breakthrough
But all I see is a quick exit

Nothingness taste bitter
And the suffering is getting sweeter
Life is getting saltier
And daylight is going sour.

And here i am
Stuck in the endless cycle
Of self pity and euphoria.
Oct 2018 · 373
Stuck Thinking
Alif Imran Oct 2018
Stuck thinking about me
Thinking, reminiscing, thinking
If only and what if
Slowly losing myself
I see myself crying on the bathroom floor until my eyes they sore
I'm used
I'm bruised
Abused
I wish I'm at the sea
Wishing the wave would float me away
Or just sunk me deep
I'm stuck
Thinking, reminiscing, thinking
Couldn't move myself forward
Cannot end what have I begun.
Oct 2018 · 532
My Body
Alif Imran Oct 2018
I've chased the butterfly
I've chased the pain away
Now i can rectify
To build my own gateway

My mind they stop running
I can now sit and say
My mind they chose to stay
I say no more running

At times I am slipping
On this slippery way
Slipping again from you
And no one catching me

Each fall i fell deeper
Each fall I am scattered
i had to hoard and build
My decaying body
Using words and my tears
Each fall took my perfection away
Broken but they work anyway
If not, eventually

They'll work
My body,
They'll work
If not now
Eventually.
Sep 2018 · 690
Keep Walking
Alif Imran Sep 2018
Never thought it could break me once more,
You said you will be there through everything,
But you bail out when everything was at stake,
Leaving me alone collecting the broken pieces of everything we build together.

Overthinking all the words you ever say,
Cause you left me hanging at the last word you say,
I'm finding the way to make you stay,
Cause I am not ready to push my feeling away.

You left marks all over my chest,
You keep my regret checked,
You take your leave when you decide i am no longer your muse.
Funny how I'll be forgiving,
Even when you choose to let me go,
This heart will always beats for you,
I'm tired for not listening to myself,
Even when i'm about to lose it to the blues.

No one sees the pain behind that smile, i smiled.
Drink up the lies all of you ever shoved down through my throat.
Drive me to the edge of everything.
To the point I might just succumb to end my chapters right here.
But don't worry, i'll keep walking even when no one else is here with me.
May 2017 · 304
Heaven
Alif Imran May 2017
Staring into the blinding light of the morning rays,
I thought I saw heaven by the graceful dance of light between the clouds,
But it was just light shimmering through the crack of the sky.

Swimming in the vast open ocean of an unknown depth,
I took a dive and I thought I saw heaven through light dispersing between waves into the waters,
But it was just rays glistening among the broken wavelet.

Saunter through a green and yellowish valley with wind stronger than your breath,
I thought I saw heaven perfectly captured betwixt hills and mountains and flow of rivers,
But it was just a picture of my sweet gateway from my mental bedlam.
Apr 2017 · 440
Me
Alif Imran Apr 2017
Me
I remembered the Sequoia
I haven't forgotten
I remembered the Acacia
I haven't forgotten
I remembered

I'm seeing Amaranth
I'm seeing Allure
I'm seeing Aragon
I'm seeing Azure
Aurora

I felt the mist
I tasted the fog
I drank the dew
I heard the rain
resurrect

I know the hum
I know the beat
I know the rythm
I know the sound
Orchestral

Winter is warming
Summer is overated
Autumn is serene
Fall is saddening
I feel

This ambience is tranquil
Sometimes horrifying
This atmosphere is pacific
Sometimes petrifying

The sensation of being solus
The sensation of being unloved
The sensation of being foible
Me.
Mar 2017 · 903
We're blooming flowers
Alif Imran Mar 2017
Underneath this thick layer of trust,
There's an emerging lily of doubtness.

Underneath this thick layer of promises made,
There's hope, germinating.

Underneath this thick blanket of snow,
We're blooming flowers.

As it melt,
We start seeing eye to eye.
And decided
To walk away.
Nov 2016 · 1.4k
In This Battlefield
Alif Imran Nov 2016
In this battlefield,
Again,
Against my running out of time body
Against me
Am i defeated?

In this battlefield
Where my bullets are chemical
And my armour is my will
I tried to cover-up this bigger-by-the-minute sinking hole
That has devour on my times
And my sins,

In this battlefield of re-occuring,
It seems i am all a lone-ranger,
In this battlefield of happening inside my body,
It seems i am weakened by the toxic
Of negativity and hatred that grows beside me

In this battlefield
I don't know if i will win
But i will try to convince
Myself
That you are what you need
And thus
I pleaded to the universe rain me with your majestic positivity and light me through the dark night unseen
Away from this sickening battlefield.
Sep 2016 · 1.4k
September Waves
Alif Imran Sep 2016
The waves of September crashing hard,
Onto the shore of deserted island,
Sculpting a sand sculpture of two lovers,
That promises forever but lasted a jiffy.

Still in blue from the bitter truth,
But what can I do, the choice is yours,
To stay or to leave.

Sensing the scent of yours,
Every night,
Smell like the open sea and cold cosy night breeze,
A little bit of dampen forest floor,
With wild black roses and daffodil.

In the night of middle September,
I thought I have deceased you from my thought,
But I am hiding you further and further inside my mind.

The waves are no longer violence now,
The moon is no longer blocked by dark clouds,
And I am no longer blinded by feelings.

I lied.
Jul 2016 · 1.8k
Carmine Coloured Umbrella
Alif Imran Jul 2016
Cloudy,
the sky is filled with heavily condensed water,
and birds flying away taking shelters,
and swaying long grass dancing,
whilst all I can hear is the loud sound of leaves blown by the wind,

No sun,
no shines,
clouds are marching,
soon, very soon,
waters gonna fall,

under the broken bus stop,
with broken rooftop and rusting metal,
I hold my small Carmine coloured umbrella
with the lush green leaves paint the background
the sky cried,
and the tears dropped onto my umbrella,
and millions more followed,

the tense smell of water mixing with the earth,
the smell of rain,
the smell of loneliness
perfectly captured by my friend, nature,
I stood there, looking upward
heavily cloud is darkening and darkening,

it is crying it most heavy downpour,
and all the nature too, silent,
and all the nature too are in deep grieve,
water is rising and drowning my feet,
the ambience is not creepy but tranquillizing
nature most expensive marijuana,

As cold as the ice,
clear like crystal,
so pure, so wild,
the heavenly droplets,

I stood so long at the bus stop,
waiting for the one bus that never arrived,
my feet were numb and start to sore,
move on,
move on,
so I let the rain washed away my uncertainty,

I took the first step,
of my agonizing journey,
through the deserted road,
whilst the rampaging storm is abusing me,
I decide to lose my umbrella to the wind,
and learn how to dance in the rain,

After a storm comes a rainbow,
the saying goes,
I believe in those,
cheap and cheezy echoes,

Rain or shine,
I am fond of them all,
nature is wild
wild is good
good for my unsettling soul,

so let's dance,
dance in this cold unbearable blizzard of rain,
of feelings,
let the healing begin,
aren't we all need healing?
Jun 2016 · 638
It wasn't a Mistake
Alif Imran Jun 2016
It wasn't a mistake,
it wasn't a mistake at all,
I feel and it was meant to be that way,
I am blessed,
I am happy,
I am delightful in the light of knowing you,
you teach me how sweet
how sweet love could taste
and
how poisonous can love poison oneself
Jun 2016 · 503
33 days
Alif Imran Jun 2016
33 days.
33 days was wasted,
Have been wasted and washed away,
Wasted for giving you my all,
Wasted for giving you my love,
Wasted for giving you my attention,
My heart, my soul and myself,
Betrayed,
I was ignored,
But the love feels surreal,
It went so deep,
I was high on your love,
Craving for more, you made me,
Then you decide,
I ain’t your cup of tea anymore
Jun 2016 · 967
A letter to my heart
Alif Imran Jun 2016
My love,
My lovely heart,
It's okay to feel broken,
It's okay.
Kensui my dear heart.
Kensui.

My love,
My lovely heart,
I know you're strong,
You are stronger than you think,
I know you are.
Kia Kaha my dear heart,
Kia Kaha

Be strong my lovely heart,
you are beautiful,
you have a lot of love,
you never know the real meaning of tired,
you never give up,
you are full of hope,
you will love them to eternity,
you, my heart, keep on beating,
keep on keeping me alive,
keep on the beautiful rhythm,
although sorrowfulness ambience interferes,
my heart, keep on playing the beautiful rhythms,
Akiramenaide my heart,
Akiramenai.

Oh my dear heart,
there are millions of mile of life to go through yet,
obstacles and hardship, those are the promises of God,
likewise pure bliss and eternal happiness, afterlife
we can't change that my dear heart, we can't,
but we can be strong,
Ganbatte my heart, Ganbatte.
Jun 2016 · 5.3k
Get Hurt
Alif Imran Jun 2016
Care too much, you'll hurt,
Care too little, you lose,
I choose to get hurt.
Jun 2016 · 962
Bulletproof
Alif Imran Jun 2016
Bulletproof,
I wish I am bulletproof,
Bulletproof from love,

Bulletproof, Bulletproof,
give me the strength to be bulletproof,
I can't accept more of this pain,
I'll die eventually,

Bulletproof, Bulletproof,
stop shooting, stop,
I can't handle much of this stress
end it up for me,
end it up for good,
end it up.

Bulletproof, Bulletproof,
show me the truth,
give me only the truth,
even if it's hard, even if it hurtful,
just give me the truth,

I can handle my own broken heart,
I have mended it before, for you,
and I can do it again.
Jun 2016 · 434
Memories
Alif Imran Jun 2016
I was an expensive diamond in your eyes,
now I am just a rusty old metal in your memories.
Jun 2016 · 705
Fool me
Alif Imran Jun 2016
Fool me,
I thought I was emitting lighting,
but it was just shadowy water like reflections
of my own inner fear,
building waves of anxiety
crashing down my confident's shore.

Fool me,
I thought I was gliding through the air,
but it turns out that I was just falling
from my consciousness and into the twilight,
shattering hopes and dreams I cared for.

Fool me,
I thought I was demon's favourite,
but then I realized, I am GOD outcast.
May 2016 · 836
Bullet
Alif Imran May 2016
The thought of you they never gone
They exist and appear in a form of a bullet
Mischievously small and erotophonophilia

They shoot me
During the times when i think i can be happy
During the times when i think i am carefree
During the times when i wanna be free
They will shoot me and shot me and shot me

Till all the happiness fade
Anxiety make their way
Tearing down my confidence
Killed in the pleasure of another human being lust.
May 2016 · 405
it was you
Alif Imran May 2016
This is bad, really bad, this moment remind me of you, everything, your ambience when you are with me, this is definitely the feeling

It was a mistake to let you in, it was a mistake to touch you, it was a mistake to kiss you, cause now you are in my thought and making your way to my heart.

Every thought of you, every sight of you even, every scent of you, makes my heart wants to keep you forever..

The scent of you, ya, the scent of you, it was the scent of the woods, the scent of the rain, the beautiful scent of nature, it was you, I know it was you.

Come on, lets put our shyness aside, take me to your paradise, sing me your favourite song every night. Hum me your favourite lullaby, pamper me with your love, cause I need your love, I really do need it.

Please don't leave me here all alone with the thought of you embedded so deep in my conscience and my soul. Please don't leave me...
Please don't leave
Please..
Apr 2016 · 539
frigid guilty
Alif Imran Apr 2016
Help me, help me,
They’re coming,
Singing their eerie rhythm
They are coming,
Coming to get me,
Help me, help me,
From the ferocious man- like-monster,
They come and drown you in the guilt,
The guilt they created,
They left you alone,
In the pitch black of the guilt frigid well,
Filled with human guilty tears,
Hurry,
Save me from the human frigid guilty
Apr 2016 · 969
I will not cry
Alif Imran Apr 2016
It was harsh,
It was cruel,
It wasn't beautiful,
You leave me at the end of the road, alone.

It was agonizing,
It was ruthless,
It wasn't perfect,
You took a detour, leaving me at the sahara, alone.

I was stranded,
Unable to walk nor crawl,
As I laid on the burning sand of the desert  i stared into the sun, hoping it will take my sight away and drain this well of love i have dug for you.

I did not ask for much,
I just want to be loved.

Nakanai,
I am tough,
Hard as a rock,
Unshakeable,
Nakanai,
Nakanai,
And i cried.
Apr 2016 · 713
I'm Colourless
Alif Imran Apr 2016
At this rate, it's just despair and un-healed broken heart that keep on bleed and bleed. I want to be able to touch you and feel your warmth all around me. To feel your fingers linger all over my body. To feel those gentle breath at my neck. To feel you feeling me.

At this rate, it's just hope and dreams in pieces. All of you is gone, leaving all of me alone in this consuming darkness of my own beautiful thoughts. You and me, we were the kings of our own lovely world, but why, why why why did you have to let go?

At this rate, i'm broken and helpless, i compared my ruined life to those with beautiful and lively one. I am done sewing my wounds and scars. Let the blood flows, let the pain consume my sane slowly. Let me be crazy over my own sadness. Let me dance in my own tears while i stab myself furiously with hope and dreams.

At this rate, i am feeling nothing, the world seems to be in black and white. I need you back, i need you to be the palatte of colours to my life. Without you, i'm colourless.
Apr 2016 · 439
Memory
Alif Imran Apr 2016
A dip into my sea of memory,
A sea of ice cold water,
Froze my ogle and demeanour,
Unable to move forward,
The memory, just like a dark quicksand,
A gift from the sacrilege past to the sacred future,
The presence is the victim
Bearing this pain,
For a soul like me,
Wishing to be free.
Apr 2016 · 497
Eyes don't lie
Alif Imran Apr 2016
I tried,
I tried looking into your eyes,
But you never let me
Penetrate into your soul,
I tried,
I tried looking through the hourglass,
Finding our future together,
But all i see is deserted sand storms dancing under the scorching hot sun,
I'm tired, tired and tired
But i love you so much,
I won't rest till i found myself in your eyes,
Cause eyes don't lie.
Mar 2016 · 779
Shut Me
Alif Imran Mar 2016
Shhhhhh, i wanna hear silent, please, let me hear you.
I need to hear myself talking, reprimand, preach.
I need myself to preach myself, from the misery that i have created putting myself in a great perfection of depression in the imperfection of human form.
Shhhhh, i wanna hear silent, please let me hear you. I need to have a talk with myself, yes, a talk is all i need to bring back the darkness of happiness and put me into the light of sadness. Yes, all i need is to mess with myself. Shhh, silent, where are you??
Feb 2016 · 562
The harbor
Alif Imran Feb 2016
At the harbor of long lost soul,
Waiting for the ship to take me away,
Back to my body,
at the shore of lost hope,
there my body laid,
cover in dirt,
mud and disgrace.
Feb 2016 · 437
My Own Conscience
Alif Imran Feb 2016
In the literally opinion of my own conscience,
I followed and dropped into the pool of swirling hopeless life,
Rotating as I shout my prayers, drowning.
I yelled and panic take over,
Water surges into my lungs, suffocating, coughing and vomitting water..
Slowly and painfully dying,
I died in vain,
In the lie of my own hopeless conscience.
Jan 2016 · 395
Eleven Eleven,
Alif Imran Jan 2016
Eleven Eleven,
You were telling me you can’t,
I was assuring you, we can,
This,
This is not the end,
You’re just doubting,
But I know you can, we can,
And this is possible,
But you were like “I know, but,”
And giving excuses, lots of them,
Nothing good ever comes from “I know, but”
Why, why give up so easily?
It's not easy to build this,
And you’re turning it into a monument,
Of our sweetest memories?
I’ve poured everything, I’ve given you myself,
I’ve let you enter the void,
Of my darkest past,
And you’ve touched it,
Leaving marks all over,
I’m naked in your eyes, undeviatingly,
And you’re leaving?
How it’s so easy for you,
It’s my fault isn’t?
I trusted you too fast,
I opened up myself to you too fast,
I let you have a feast on my feelings too fast,
Perhaps,
I love you, too fast,
Eleven Eleven,
Marks the end of our connection,
The lost of our endearment.
Jan 2016 · 2.1k
My untrue fantasy
Alif Imran Jan 2016
My untrue fantasy,
I fantasize it every day,
Fantasizing how it would be wonderful if I had you,
Oh the world seems to be having summer all year long,
With you and me,
My untrue fantasy will never be true,
Fantasizing is the only way I could be with you,
I am not capable of doing so in the ticking world,
This fantasy
This fantasy will always be the most exciting play of
  
Hologram in my mind.
Jan 2016 · 387
Ten Thousands Feet
Alif Imran Jan 2016
I was alone,
In this burning desire,
To be touched by you,
To be loved and loved,
And you take me soaring high up in the sky,
Getting me higher and higher,
But you let me down,
When you got what you need,
When you’ve fulfilled your lust,
And I’m free falling,
From Ten Thousands Feet,
Without you, I’m doomed,
Certain death,
And I crashed,
So hard, brutally injured,
Almost died you see,
But I know I’m strong,
At least my heart is,
But I am barely breathing,
From the free fall you lured me,
From Ten Thousands Feet,
I’ll survive cause I’m strong,
At least my heart is.
Jan 2016 · 448
Mirror Heart
Alif Imran Jan 2016
When my heart is a mirror,
I will not look at it anymore,
Left it in mediocre,
Feeling indifferent and could not care less,
Living in pure guilt,
Scarcely breathing,
Mostly suffocating lunacy,
Not once that I look at it,
Not even a glimpse,
I am ashamed of myself,
Left my beliefs in the black hole,
Lower my standards just to meet yours,
Go down to the levels of foolishness,
I drowned myself,
My right hand is tightly holding the life line,
My left hand will never let you go,
In between them,
Me, I’m drowning in my own self pity,
Pride or feelings,
Should I care less and leave you,
Should I fight for you and sacrifice comfort,
You make my heart turn mirrors,
And I hate my own reflection.
Jan 2016 · 664
I need a preach
Alif Imran Jan 2016
I need a preach,
I need assurances,
To hold me still,
To built steel’s hard faith,
I’m diverting,
Astray,
Starting questioning,
Belief,
And ebbing briskly,
My trust,
Hope’s dwindling,
I’m ruined,
I need a preach,
I need assurances,
To hold me back,
From this fall, I’m falling,
Before I’m shattered,
Broken and sinned.
Jan 2016 · 1.6k
The wind of Capricorn.
Alif Imran Jan 2016
There was a sun but no shines,
There was a drizzle but no rainbow,
There was a wave but no wind,
There was a clear night sky but no stars,
There was a vow but no promises.

Moonless night are approaching,
Sunless days are at dawn,
Cloudy skies are upon us,
A sad story is to be written.

There was a day when I could talk
but no voice,
There was a day when I could open my eyes
but could not see,
There was a day when I can breathe
but could not be alive,
There was a day when I can hear nothingness
creeps into my soul.

Grey coloured rainbow,
Happiness are at dusk,
Misery are at dawn,
prepare yourselves to be blown,
by the wind of Capricorn.
Jan 2016 · 2.0k
I dream a dream
Alif Imran Jan 2016
In my dream,
I saw you dreaming,
Dreaming about me dreaming about you,
How wonderful,
To dream a dream both soul dream to dream,
Oh, it shall feel nice I can say that,
In my dream of you dreaming about me dreaming about you,
You say you love me beyond my reality,
I wonder how big is my reality?
The dream that I dreamt about you dreaming about me dreaming about you,
Vanished when I wake up into reality,
I just realize how big is my reality and the reality of my dream,
  
It was just a dream I dream about you.
Jan 2016 · 1.3k
Meet me in my dream
Alif Imran Jan 2016
Meet me in my dream,
I’ll be waiting,
At the bridge
Where we first met,
Under the lunar shines,
Meet me in my dream,
Accompany me all night,
Show me your love,
We can stay awake together,
Meet me in my dream,
And never leave me,
Till the dawn approach us,
Till the morning sun shines,
We’ll be together,
  

Meet me in my dream.
Jan 2016 · 425
Loneliness.
Alif Imran Jan 2016
Loneliness.
Loneliness are haunting me,
Help me,
I tried so hard to hide,
But loneliness will find me,
Shock me and penetrate to the deepest
Part of my heart,
Silencing the rhythms in my heart,
Until I can hear my broken heart beating,
Barely made it to stay alive,
The sound of sorrow and blankness
Shouting, weeping and howling
Creeps me,
The loneliness will never leave me alone,
Loneliness will never leave me alone,
  

Never leave me.
Jan 2016 · 527
Defeated
Alif Imran Jan 2016
Crawling out from my own defeated lair,
I am surrendered to the devils,
Of the coldest heart,
Shivering as he touches me,
Giving me a piece of Antarctica,
To survive in this ripping world,
I can see my skin changes colour,
And it starts to fall from my body,
Tearing it slowly,
As I shouted and
Crying and
Begging the devils,
To stop this insanity,
This much pain, this much sadness,
I hope they stay,
To remind me,
Of how one sided love feels like,
I am never, ever again to fall in love,
I am defeated.
Jan 2016 · 417
My own loneliness
Alif Imran Jan 2016
You were perfect,
You were my one and only,
In my mind you take it all,
You take my heart,
You drained my love,
You chained my soul,
It was so perfect,
Imagining the impossible together,
With you, I can turn star into plush
I can turn rainy spring days into hot and sunny summer,
In the world of my own, you were the prince,
And I am the ordinary person, like the fairy-tale
Who hold the special position in your heart,
You make me mixed up inside,
Millions of butterfly,
Instant mood swings,
Bipolar,
But reality is a b*tch,
She knocked all my imagination down,
And did a tango dance on it,
She took you away,
And I realize,
You were what my mind could make,
  
An image of my own loneliness.
Jan 2016 · 814
Cherophobia
Alif Imran Jan 2016
Light breeds shadow
In the form of fear
Consuming my immortality bit by bit
Creating a fiend
That guzzle up my happiness
Till the deepest core of my conscience
Remorselessly

Piecemeal
I am dying from my own trepidation
That agitates me

Whether to choose malevolence
That is sweet and warming
Or to choose benevolence
That is pain and suffering

Only the saint's heart will find its way
With the least tainted loopholes
Gifted by the brute to the paradise god has created

Destitute and feeling obselete
Failed to be absolute
I seclude myself
To a silence so deafening
And the temperature is dropping
While the loneliness is creeping

In fetal position
On this oversize king bed
With blue bed shed
But no blanket

Vainer, i thought.
Jan 2016 · 453
Marinate love
Alif Imran Jan 2016
I am hungry for some
Love
From you
Kiss me, in the bitter light
Of the sun setting,
With the sour wind blowing,
And let me taste
The sweet taste of your lust,
Bite the hotness out
From my body
Endeavour yourself
In this spark of
Marinated relationship.
Jan 2016 · 365
Some Love
Alif Imran Jan 2016
I heart some love,
Made some beautiful hearts,
And set them free,
Free to fly with the wind,
Wherever it takes,
Wherever it goes,
Fly away, farther away,
Traverse the skies,
Over the cloudy cloud
Sliding down the rainbow,
And crashing down,
Hearts broken into millions pieces,
All the broken pieces bleed,
And heart cries,
And heart howls,
Mourn and growls,
The crashing sound is disturbing,
I cover my ears with my hands,
Shutting my eyes so tight,
I failed to relocate my love,
I failed to rebound,
I’ve failed,
In fetal position,
On this wet ground and yellowish grass,
I laid.

— The End —