he moves in the moonlight
weekends, never all right
swerved and hit the curb
know better than to disturb
don't bother to watch his tone
got mad and shattered her phone
god, she wishes she was alone

and now you're upset
because i'm sitting in the
passenger seat of an infiniti
with frank ocean playing,
another hand holding the
one that you used to.

still, i want to be holding yours again.

you're the only person i know that says my name in texts.
the only person that says my name at all, really.
in the end, it's the least meaningful thing that you say,
and that's really saying something.

to my favorite infatuation,                                                     ­                           

you told me that i was holding on like it was my lifeblood.
i said you weren't wrong.
right before i left, scared of what might happen next,
you told me that my voice gave me away.
that there was a certain naivety to it.
i hadn't yet been tarnished by the harshness of the world,
and that's what you thought was most beautiful about me.
i will never forget your words.

                         with love,
                                                                ­ the stranger you said was perfect

it's better when you whisper it
even though we shouldn't
be talking about it at all

a picture of Debbie Harry (by Andy Warhol).
a Stoneman Douglas awareness sticker.
a red Supreme sticker.
"favor" written in blue dry erase.
the queen of hearts from a pack of Aviators.
"still waters run deep and *****" in Sharpie.
and me. except that it's not me.
it's you. and it's not erasable.

how the hell are you about to hold it down
when you can't even bother to hold up

You like to gamble.
I am the Queen of your heart.
You're risking it all.

if you say you hate what's in your head,
why do you always want to speak your mind?

I don't want anything from you.
I know that it sometimes seems like all I do is use you.
I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.
You're so much more to me than that.
You raised me, for god's sake.
No one could ever replace you.
I need you so much, and I'm so scared that I'm going to lose you.
The doctors can't get it right, and it keeps getting worse.
We fight all the time but I can't live without you.
I'm scared that those could've been the last words that I said.
I know I went too far, and I can't go back.
I can't apologize my way out of this one.
You think that I want to replace you.
I know that I act like I do.
I love you so much.
I'm sorry.
I rarely cry.
I am now.
Please.

i want to roll my eyes so hard
that someone who likes to gamble
as much as you could
use them as game dice.
i hope you like snake eyes

i know who they say i am

maybe this time
you can figure out a new way
to flex your way out of this

i'm on my knees like it's a sunday
but
you look like heaven and hurt like hell.
guess we're close enough.

they say that time is money
going bankrupt on you, honey
i might have to pull a loan, maybe
you got me going broke, baby
sorry, i'm broke(n)
sorry, we're broke(n)

all i want is to live in the space between your hands and
be undone by the way that pretty words fall from your lips
like rain from the sky.
one day, sometime soon,
i'll have stolen the color from your eyes
and the letters from your name
and dissolved the very fibers of your being,
along with everything that made you what you were.
that is exactly what you get when you give me everything
and ask for nothing but me in return.

we built empires in our minds that no one else could inhabit
we had never seen the world that's outside of our walls
we hadn't ever let go of anything that we created
we couldn't have controlled ourselves after
we started something that wouldn't end
we hadn't had the chance to run
we were running out of time
we hadn't had any options
we were afraid of what
we had become
but after all...
we tried being what
we weren't and all that
we thought that we wanted
we slow danced in mcdonald's
we explored abandoned buildings
we had photo shoots in parking lots
we stargazed on the hood of your vintage car
we lived as much as we could because we knew
we wouldn't last much longer than the last ones but
we were at least willing to try and love before we ended

saw you facing God in spite,
saw your face and got inspired

your boyfriend is a dog, so what does that make you?

you asked me why you would leave,
when i'm all you could ever ask for.

Because Of You, All Of LA Is Grey,
And I Know You're Wearing Red.

i'm losing myself,
so i'm losing it all
trying to be somebody
in a city where nobody cares

Orlando.
Eleventh.
X.
Synchronicity.
Delirious.
11:11.
Cabo San Lucas.
Gratefully dead.
You in my head.

grey skies and bold lies
our waves cut shallow and quick
dear god, we're drowning

feelings fade and seasons change but
the question is did you

i wanna ask you to stay up with me
so you don't have to wake up and
find my brain matter painting the ceiling

i guess i'll just have to steal your car,
if that's the only reason you're gonna chase me.
you won't pay attention to me any other way.

i'm only honest when it rains
and all the rain did was help
you slip through my fingers

you said you wanted to be next,
but you'll never be unless you learn to put me first

i'm trying to change for the better,
but you were my better half

i down the whole bottle before the sun's in the sky.
the way i live is the way that i lie.
i'm fighting the lows by staying high.
but its better if you never know why.

I vogue with a tearstained face, but you'd still **** to take my place.

they never really last...
fake chains and pretty boys, that is.
i like to keep them both wrapped around my fingers regardless

i trade money for magic,
looking for ephemeral feelings with eternal damage.
and when you're not there to save me,
i keep taking codine to stop the saline.
and there's a few things i forgot to mention,
specifically every bad intention.
i drove for miles to find you
but in the end i found myself.
that, and a couple empty bottles of jack.

i always wanted to die in the summer
when only three of my friends still knew my name
hit by a car or lightning, something or other
and not by this *****, self-induced shame

"why don't you talk to me anymore?"
"why do i need to?"
"i can't live without you."
"then die."

i put out the lights, but somehow i forgot to close the blinds
so now i've got to see your face when it turns morning time

my clothes on the floor, sitting here in your bed
trying to find a way to disappear.
and i'm trying to run and i'm trying to leave
but somehow you just keep me stuck here.

i wish we didn't have to break up
every time you say your cell phone does.

i've told pretty lies and made fatal mistakes.
i get what i want, no matter what it takes.
but in the end, the worst thing i did was
you.

the waves are over my head
but i don't even want to hold my breath

i was supposed to be running,
but i fell into your arms instead.

because you're the whole reason that i'm not around

i'm tired of washing the scent of you out of my hair and being afraid i'll never have to do it again.

in that case, i'm glad i'll never forget the way that you taste

sometimes i cry.
i cry until i have no tears left and my voice has long left me.
i sob until it feels like my lungs collapse.

(similarly to the world that i built with you in my head)

everything is changing
and my heart is still breaking.

i knew you wanted to die.
that goes both ways.
you can be my juliet.
sorry, boy, it was written in the stars.

i'd rather stay lost than have to be found.
i can't feel my pulse or my feet on the ground.
but i don't want to die today.
i have bridges to burn and things to say.
and you're sure as hell going to hear them.