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Aug 2019 · 66
Emotions
Jay M Aug 2019
Melodies of sorrow
Whispers from below
The deepest prison cell
Invisible, and so is its prisoner

Marking off the times
That nobody knows
I can't help it slow
It festers beneath my skin
Burning within
Hotter than a flame,
Boiling like magma
My plasma

Coursing through my veins,
Unstoppable, irreversible,
Taking control
These emotions
Bring on oceans
Just going through the motions
Watching it all go by
Leave me behind.

- Jay M
August 3rd, 2019
Aug 2019 · 115
Two-Face
Jay M Aug 2019
When you are alone,
With me by your side,
You talk and you talk,
Making me believe
That
This person is sweet,
But they're cold,
Spilling innards behind closed doors,
Yet
When they open,
People walk in,
I'm a rag-doll,
You throw me around,
Terrorizing me, I dare say,
A slap to the face
From Two-Face

What am I to you?
A tool - that's obvious,
But I thought we were friends,
Well,
How naive am I?
I'm an ear,
I'm an easy trusting fool,
Always a tool,
How cruel..

When I try,
You shoot me down,
I'm the idiot,
You're the mastermind,
So I wouldn't mind
When I'm put in my place,
By Two-Face..

We're so close,
So there's no running away
From your fists,
Or your words,
No escape,
But then again,
There never was.

- Jay M
August 3rd, 2019
Aug 2019 · 65
The Coming Day
Jay M Aug 2019
An event in the present,
Disguised as the past,
Laughter fills the air,
Dancing court members,
Flowers here and there,
Chalices raised,
Memories shared,
And a child becomes a woman.

A fawn, prancing about,
A skirt spinning to and fro,
Following with each cloven step,
Small horns upon her head,
Decorated with flowers,
Blues, silvers,
Greens and reds,
Purples and browns,
All colors can be seen,
In this land of magic.

A doll, given to a daughter,
Then tossed to the young,
Whom have yet to reach the special age,
The transitional age,
Of 15.

Alas, this day has not come to pass,
There is much to prepare for,
Stress, anxiety,
Oh, what would the people say?

"Hush",
My mother tells me,
"It's for you, not them",
"You decide, and don't care what they think."

Even so,
I fear the day,
Approaching so swiftly,
Unavoidable,
Pulling me towards it with each passing second,
Tick, tick, ticking away,
Growing closer,
To the day of my Quinceñera..

- Jay M
August 10th, 2019
I'm so stressed, and scared for it! I need to go work on it, anyway...
Aug 2019 · 209
Bit #3 - Call
Jay M Aug 2019
Silent
For seemingly an eternity
Saying nothing
Not a single sign of life

Then
Out of the blue
Comes the call
Announcing life still lingers
In this barren land

- Jay M
August 2nd, 2019
Jul 2019 · 174
Bit #2 - Future Curiosities
Jay M Jul 2019
Waiting
Longing
For something that may never come
Yet
I feel it as it approaches
The inevitable impossibility.

- Jay M
July 11th, 2019
Jul 2019 · 271
Bit #1 - Running
Jay M Jul 2019
Running
                       f    o
                          r    m
                         ­                 MYSELF

- Jay M
July 10th, 2019
Jun 2019 · 70
My Friend, The Angel
Jay M Jun 2019
I tried
So hard
To be where you are
Dancing with the stars
Yet
I only made it as far as the mountain top
Unable to take my feet off of the ground
Tethered to it
By countless lines
Invisible to your blissful sight
For you are dancing with the stars
Twisting, laughing among them,
Whilst I am twisting,
Crying alone
Yearning to be by your side
And say
I am here, too
So don't you ever cry alone
Friend
I hear you cry
The tears of an angel

As you frolic
With the others
Just please
Remember me..
Just once
Where you embrace me
Without me saying a word
Would be enough
To make my heart soar
Brighten my day

I know
This isn't right
But I can't help it
Begging you
Because I feel like I'm losing you
To everyone else
And it scares me..

When I pass by
Will I get so much as a "Hi!"?
Even that would be enough
It would be enough

I'm waiting here
For you
Again
Hoping you see me
From over there
Across the room
Laughing with them..

How badly I wish I were one of them
How desperately I wish I could change the past
Alas
I cannot
For it is too far gone
And no matter what I say
No matter what I do
It'll never be enough
And I know that
But please
Forgive me...
Friend, forgive me...

I never meant to hurt you
I just didn't know what to do
You were so easy to talk to
So kind, and understanding
I didn't realize it then
But I was killing you
Burdening you
And what now?

So many times
I've tried to apologize
But nothing
Nothing
Can make up for my mistakes
So instead
Of falling over myself in guilt
I just ask this,
In all seriousness,
Not a shallow answer,
But truly...
Do you forgive me?

I only want to see you smile
Carefree, and happy
Not weighed down by anything
And if you are
I am beside you
In spirit
So just seek me out
Give me a call
I will come
Ready to listen
To help, if you want me to
All you need to do
Is ask me
And I will come

Trust me
Is all I ask
Because I'll be there
Whenever you call me
Just say my name
And I'm on my way
No matter how far away
If you need me
I will come
Bounding through the thickets
To you

Anything
To be back to the way it was
Before

Laughing, smiling,
Seated side by side
Like we ought to be
Once again

- Jay M
June 23rd, 2019
*(This is not meant to be seen as religious in any way, shape, or form. Sorry if it seems that way. I just had to make that clear)

---

If the person this is directed to reads this...please forgive me. For all I've burdened you with. I know I've apologized, and you've said it was okay, but...I just have this feeling that you didn't mean it, and secretly despise me...
Just tell me I'm being a bit paranoid...
If you ever want to talk, I'm always here. Always..
Jun 2019 · 162
Contemplating
Jay M Jun 2019
I'm only human
Aren't I?

I clean
I care
I run about
Like a headless chicken
For what?
Nothing.

Knives in my heart
In my back
Protruding from my legs
That have ran miles
And will walk
Thousands more

Was it worth the fight?
Living, I mean
Living with no defense
But your own fists
Turned upon yourself?

No, I suppose not
Even so
Here I stand
Never to release it
Into the open air
So innocent
Until I breathe
Into the vastness
Polluting it
Making it harder and harder to breathe...

- Jay M
June 22nd, 2019
Jun 2019 · 168
The Inexplicable
Jay M Jun 2019
Everyday
It gets a little
Colder
I grow a little
Older

I do what I can
To feel alive
Prove to myself
My broken heart is still beating
But
It gets harder and harder
And when I fall
I shatter
Again
And again

When I'm put back together
A piece is left behind
In that world
Of misery
Lingering
Forevermore
In the inexplicable...

- Jay M
June 21st, 2019
Jun 2019 · 174
The Ride
Jay M Jun 2019
Seated in the rain
Singing the same
Sad song
Playing in my heart
In my head
For only I to hear
To understand

Scared to live
Scared to die
Time races by
I'm just a passenger
But I'm supposed to be
The conductor
So why
Am I just taking the ride?

Laying back
On the edge
Here I lay
Paralyzed
Of everything
But really
Just one thing;
Me

Just feeling numb
No control
It's been a while
So
I suppose
I want anything
To have a little
Over myself

One...
I let the water run
Crashing over me
It's taking over me
Taken over me

Two...
Let the memories in
Replaying, over and over
Like voices
In my head

Three...
I hold my breath
Silently scream
Trying to let it go
But they won't let me go
These **** memories

Four...
I lift up my head
To the clouds
How it is to soar
I wonder
But
I shall never know
For I am bound
To the ground
Where I shall one day be
From whence I came

- Jay M
June 21st, 2019
Jun 2019 · 70
The Ocean
Jay M Jun 2019
I see the sky
Oh how it is blue
Reflecting the majority
The mass below it
Stretching far and wide
The ocean

- Jay M
June 21st, 2019
Jun 2019 · 561
Possibilities
Jay M Jun 2019
Maddened by the
Possibilities
Troubled by the
Expectations

Unsure of what to do

- Jay M
June 14th, 2019
Jun 2019 · 96
Who I Am
Jay M Jun 2019
Trapped
Within the confines of your own mind
Unable to escape
The prison cell it has become

Calling;
"Please, don't leave me!"

Yet
None can hear
These cries for help
And none are registered
For you wear a mask
Of flesh

"Hopeless..."
Comes a whisper
"You are hopeless..."

You can't take back
What is in the past

I'd love to leave it all behind
But I can't let it go
Lie to myself
How could I?

Forever afraid
Of being loved

Put the bottle down
I tell myself
Again and again
For the 100th time
It seems...

I do anything
Just to feel
Alive

I look the same
But I'm not fine
No matter what I told you
I am;
Broken
Bleeding
Lost and defeated

I am merciless
To myself
Merciful
To all else

I am just another casualty

When they least expect it
It will strike
Taking a hit
Shooting me down

This is me;
The monster
Revealed
Right before your eyes

What do you think of me now?

- Jay M
June 9th, 2019
Jun 2019 · 151
She's Only 14
Jay M Jun 2019
She's only 14
Her whole life's ahead of her
Yet she feels like she's 30
And her life's about to end
Wanting it so badly
Her heart is hurting
Feeling the road has end

Tomorrow she's got school
Second to last of the year
Yet
Can she even last a minute?
She wonders
She ponders
She cries
Feeling her whole world
Took a hit from an avalanche
Of everything

What a loss it would be
What a loss

A waste of time
A waste of space
How could one so terrible
Be any good?

She's only 14
But
She's gotten drunk
She's overdosed
She's cut
She's tried to die
So many **** times
She's changed for everyone
She's almost ran away
Tried once
Didn't get far
When she got back
Nobody noticed
She could have been touched
She doesn't know!
She was asleep
**** it
She was asleep!

How can she
Be any good
When she's done these things?
How can she
Be any good
When she's reminded at least 5 times a day
That she's a tool
That she's hideous
That she's a mistake
That she's annoying
That nobody gives a ****
If she lives or dies
Hell
They told her
"Why do you bother?"

She's only 14...
Only 14...

- Jay M
June 9th, 2019
Jun 2019 · 860
Always
Jay M Jun 2019
Push me
Slap me
Kick me
Throw me out
Punch me
Scratch me
Beat me
Stone me
Hang me
Frame me
Torture me
Make me bleed
**** me
But still
I will always
Always
Love you...

No matter the pain
You put me through
For some reason
I won't stop
Loving you
Defending you
With all my might
With every fiber
Of my being
I will fight for you
Until I am so broken
I know not a single reason
But to fight

Even so
Is this good?
Am I still me?
Or am I a machine?
For I have no feelings
I am numb
Only wanting to stay
And fight
For the ones close to me
Yet I feel nothing
But boundless pain...

So tell me;
What is my fate?

- Jay M
June 9th, 2019
Jun 2019 · 178
I Hear You
Jay M Jun 2019
In this moment so long
There is a figure
Standing
Alone in their sorrow
Wailing out their soulful cries
Wishing so strongly
To have said a proper farewell

Peace, peace
The blind wish
A divine, indeed
Yet so temporary
It only lasts for a moment
Before chaos breaks
With the turn of the tide

Hear me, oh sorry one
I hear your cries
To the fates each night
"Grant me love, to last forever!"
You cry
I hear
Longing to hold you
Alas, I cannot
For we are worlds apart
I cannot mend your broken heart
Even with the most infallible thread
It cannot be tended
Without collapse

Hear me, oh anxious one
I hear your cries
To the stars above
"Send me a sign,"
You plead
"So that I may know what to do."
You wish to know
I hear it
Your soul
Alas, I cannot help
Unless you allow me
Within those walls of stone

- Jay M
June 9th, 2019
Jun 2019 · 80
Ones You Love
Jay M Jun 2019
Awaiting the moment
When all shall be well
The roaring quieted
The monster caged
Silenced for a time
Of peace

Security of the ones you love
Protect them with your life
And all you have
Give onto them

Give them shelter
Give them warmth
Give them food
Give them water
Give them hope

Be with them in their darkest hours
In their moments of weakness
Keep them strong
Build them up
And never let them go

- Jay M
June 8th, 2019
Jun 2019 · 418
Make Me Feel Better
Jay M Jun 2019
Here one lies
Stomach aching
Throbbing
Unknown reasons
Trying to sleep,
She grabs the sheets
Pulls them over her head
And hides
From the world
And it's cruel, cruel truth

So I say
"Make me feel better"
To my mother
She kisses my head
Tries to ease me
Yet all she can do
Is give me a pill
And wait

So I say
"Make me feel better"
To myself
Only, I reply;
"Never,"
"For you shall never be."

Here I lay
Aching in my stomach
And other little common things
But still
No matter how much medicine I take
That's not all the pain I feel
And none of it goes away.

- Jay M
June 7th, 2019
Jun 2019 · 120
Hear Me?
Jay M Jun 2019
Can
       You
              Hear
                       Me
                             Sing
                                     Myself
                                                 To
                                                       Sleep?

                                                         ­          - Jay M
                                                               ­                    June 6th, 2019
Jun 2019 · 219
Save Me
Jay M Jun 2019
Constantly calling
Forever haunting
Will it ever be known?
This terrible truth?

Tired eyes
Barely open
Never catching a single solid time
All broken
Fractured
See me
And save me

Oh friend
Lift me up
I am slipping
Going under
White wings
Tainted
Faded to black
To which I am falling into
Unable to escape

- Jay M
June 6th, 2019
Jun 2019 · 276
Droplet
Jay M Jun 2019
Worlds collide
Creatures indestructible
Consuming the invisible
The land of the water bear

- Jay M
June 5th, 2019
Jun 2019 · 124
Hunger
Jay M Jun 2019
Churning in their power
The acids
Eating away all left
Then itself
The walls surrounding

A hunger unable to be satisfied
Consume, consume
Yet still
I am nothing more but a twig

Yes, I have no ailment
Yet somehow
It may never be satisfied
This hunger for knowledge

- Jay M
June 4th, 2019
Huh
Jun 2019 · 149
Breathe
Jay M Jun 2019
Swinging
To and fro
In the rain
Singing these melodies
Cold
Trembling
Yet soothed
The sent so familiar
Tranquilizing
Absorbing your every fiber
Until you are weightless
Yet grounded by the flesh

- Jay M
June 4th, 2019
Jun 2019 · 199
Hidden Garden
Jay M Jun 2019
Seated
On the ground
Some seek to destroy
Others, so meek,
Tender and mild
Tend to it
Live in this
Wilderness

- Jay M
June 4th, 2019
Jun 2019 · 413
Your Story
Jay M Jun 2019
This is the poem
For the heartsick
For the bleeding
The young
The innocent
The broken
It's a hard road
And there are days,
Oh years,
But even so
You have to be stronger than fear

Get back up again
Never let them
Know they got you
Or all will truly be lost

Believe you are strong
And you will be strong
A one person army
One voice
Lifting hundreds
So what are you waiting for?
Approval?
Speak your mind
Seize the time
Write the rhyme
Because it's your life
This
Is
Your
Story

- Jay M
June 4th, 2019
Jun 2019 · 259
Here I Weep
Jay M Jun 2019
As the memories come
Here I weep
Here I weep

As the wind blows the clouds
Here I weep
Here I weep

As night fades to day
Here I weep
Here I weep

In the eternal vastness of the unknown
Here I weep
Here I weep

In the depths of the abyss
Here I weep
Here I weep

In light of their lies
Here I weep
Here I weep

There I wept...

- Jay M
June 4th, 2019
Jun 2019 · 73
Thoughts
Jay M Jun 2019
Fighting sleep
These memories I wish to keep
Whilst the battle rages
I step onto the stages
Into these changes
Chased by the sun
Wake up
Stay up
Sleep is never to remain for long

My footprint
Small, so strange
Fingerprint
So odd
Standing out among them
Yet hidden away

Take me, oh wonder
Take me, oh marvel
Into the land of possibility
Where the imagination roams free
And all is possible.

- Jay M
June 3rd, 2019
Just going on a thought
May 2019 · 167
Time Is Running Out
Jay M May 2019
It's getting harder and harder to breath
Oh, so much pressure on me

I've got 2 days left...
(if you include today)

Then my fate is sealed
This is so real
I'll be the failure
They've always known me to be
I'll be the one...
Crawling under their skin

The oldest is supposed to be the boldest
But hey,
Is that really what we should say?
Will I be okay?
If i really do hit rock bottom,
What does that really say?
That I shouldn't have given up?
That I was the mistake?
Yeah, well,
I'll just
Show how
Purposeful a mistake
A failure
Can be

I deserve to have a chance
So I'll work
I'll try
Even as the sands of time
Every grain
Falls ever faster
Against me
Waiting to reclaim me
I'll make it wait
I'll make it wait.

- Jay M
May 30, 2019
I only have until tomorrow to get my grades up... It'll be nearly impossible, but here goes nothing and everything.
May 2019 · 184
Secret Safety
Jay M May 2019
Twisting the knobs
On comes the water
Crashing, drumming down
On the tub floor

After a moment
You step in
Absorbing the warmth
Embraced by the pattering droplets
Soothed by the simplest of things
Eased into a sense of safety
Naked, yet somehow,
Never more clothed and protected

Inaudibly, rivers run
Down your cheeks
To your chin
To the floor
Crouching, close to the ground
From whence your ancestors came
Longing to claim you

Too afraid to stop
To turn it off
To emerge into the open air
Yet
Flesh turning pink
Like that of a kittens nose
Signals you it is time
To cool down

Slowly, carefully
Standing
One last moment in embrace
Caressed by the water
Then
Going through the motions...

- Jay M
May 28th, 2019
May 2019 · 123
Thinking
Jay M May 2019
Fragile framed edge
So carefully wondering
Blueprinted dreaming
Plans forming
From nothing but the word
Arizona

Possibly...

When childhood has ended
When the time has come
I shall be prepared
Ready for my next thing to do
Oh, I know;
It's going to be everything new

Right when it ends
As we fade into the night
It will not be my last goodbye
For I shall be close by

Saving
Every penny
But if only
I had a penny
For every thought

Starting early
Is better
Than being so lost
When the moment comes

I'd love to leave it alone
But I can't let it go...

- Jay M
May 28th, 2019
I've been thinking about what comes after high school.
May 2019 · 103
What Is Life?
Jay M May 2019
Life;
Life is like a cherry
It starts sweet
But ends hard and bitter.

- Jay M
May 27th, 2019
May 2019 · 141
To The Dust
Jay M May 2019
These things
These things
What are these things?
How did they come to me?
I fear..

I'm colder than this world
Older than these bones
So familiar with this land
This earth beneath my feet
This energy pulsing in my veins
Reminding me again
I am alive

Beautiful silence
Beautiful pain
Hidden in every corner
In every atom
Lurking unseen

Lost in a life
Full of sin
Dreams
Are a madness
Believing all before you
When nothing makes sense
Leaving you with no defense

Spiraling
Downward
All of the pieces are there
But it's no way to live
If you're only surviving
But still
I picked up my head
I picked up my head...

Every day all is getting a bit colder
As we grow closer
To the day
When we return
To the dust
From whence we came.

- Jay M
May 27th, 2019
May 2019 · 357
Set In Stone
Jay M May 2019
Tick
        Tick
                Tick
        Tick
Tick

The seconds
The minutes
Hours
DAYS...

I only have
5 days
If
You add today
Before
My fate
Is set
In stone

- Jay M
May 27th, 2019
May 2019 · 348
Can You Understand?
Jay M May 2019
Condemn me to death
Torture this flesh
Still
I will not bow
To your empty lies

Here I stand
Alone in the rain
I tread upon the cobble
Absorbing my surroundings
An emotional sponge

A constant tug-of-war
Meet the expectations
Try to live their dreams
Or
Give in
Let go
Don't be their puppet

Choose, **** it!

Well,
More so **** me

When did I
Become so cold?
When did I
Become so numb?

Where's the person I used to know?
Where are my feelings?
Scattered about
Lost to one another
Making me unable to function
I want to feel something
Be normal
It crashes around me
I just watch it

Lifted up
Told all is well
Convinced by lies
Held by the demons
Painted like faces I know
Then pricked
By their thorns
Of reality

Bleeding
Dripping
Maybe one day
They would see it
But no
5 years and still
They see a "happy" child

The closer they try to get
The more hurt I make them
So then
I push them away
Save them from myself...
From this monster I have become

Listening to my heart
Not the lub-dub it's supposed to be
Whispering to me
Spiders webs swaying
One bites
My blood is the venom
Black as my tainted soul

Tired of living with no defense
Can you understand
Where I'm coming from?
I'm sick of surviving
When I'm supposed to be living...

- Jay M
May 27th, 2019
I suppose this is everything, all in one.
May 2019 · 546
Hey World
Jay M May 2019
What will I ever do?
Hey world,
Quit looking at me

They know my name
Why do they know my name?

Wait for the opportunity to
Knock me off my feet

I just want to tell my story

Don't let me go crazy

Are you with me?

Give and take
Speak a little louder

Well
Listen a little better

Won't back down
Win or lose

Add a little sugar
Coat it
Make the truth easier to swallow

- Jay M
May 22nd, 2019
May 2019 · 198
Bang
Jay M May 2019
Minutes, hours
Tick
        Tick
                Ticking by
I can sleep when I'm dead
Get it out of my head
Out of all of their heads
It isn't over yet

The memories will forever scar
Forever roam far
Strangling those who know
Living again and again
Taking more and more victims

Holding my breath
'Til my body turned blue
Meet the shadows
I've got everything and nothing to lose

Trusting so easily
Falling so fast
Not realizing
Then it hits me

So much for being happy
In the days that remain
It's not like I'm dead
But I might as well be
Living on such a breakable thread

It was everything
Everything that I wanted
Yet
Something missing
Then I caught up
And
Bang!

- Jay M
May 22nd, 2019
May 2019 · 255
Dolor | Pain
Jay M May 2019
Dolor;
O, quam potens sit
Sine misericordia
Non unciae

Hic ego pono
Contritum et cruentis
Reliquit meum cogitationes
In aeternum solus
In aeternum mittitur ad tenebras

Culpa plagis meus valde et anima
Numquam me dimittere
Cuniculus in carne mea
Sculptura se nidum sanguinis et os

- Jay M
May 21st, 2019

English translation:

Pain;
Oh, how powerful it be
Without an ounce
Of Mercy

Here I lay
Broken and bleeding
Left to my own thoughts
Forever alone
Forever cast to darkness

Guilt plagues my very soul
Never to let me go
Tunnel into my flesh
Carve itself a nest of blood and bone.

- Jay M
May 21st, 2019
Some Latin poetry
May 2019 · 86
Filament
Jay M May 2019
Paralyzed by who I am
And who I have become

When did I
Become so numb?
When did I
Fake all emotion?

Lying to those whom I love most
Held nearer and nearer to my heart
Dearer and dearer
But still
They slip
Realize
And I fall

When did I
Become so cold?
When did I
Become ashamed?

I no longer feel things
I am certain I should
Unknown to the existing realm
Tread upon by all
Each moment
Never left alone
Yet it shall never be

Where is the real me?
I'm lost
This tears every fiber
Every molecule, atom, element
Filament
So ******
So helpless
Unable to carry its almost non-existent weight

Seeing everything
Heart just started gunning
Running
Hide
Escape the terror
Locking myself in
Cornering myself
Hands over my ears
Thud
Over and over
I still hear it
Covering my own ears
Unable to prevent the sound
Repeating in the confines of the brain
This **** brain...
Which,
I hope to flip the switch
To off...

- Jay M
May 21st, 2019
Too much
May 2019 · 270
Senseless
Jay M May 2019
Never
Finished

Never
Done

Always

                             Pa         t
                                    r               l
                                              ia

The front door was open
They walked in
Gunning down the residence
One by one
Loosening their grip on the world
Drifting out of consciousness
They lost a lot of blood

I thought I made a promise
But I guess no promise is kept
Not anymore

They said I could do anything
Well
What about nothing?


- Jay M
May 21st, 2019
May 2019 · 105
Ends
Jay M May 2019
Sitting there
Supporting a friend
Dropping the note
Handing it over
To him...

For a moment
Things are okay
He is still
Then
The storm breaks loose

Standing
Bashing his head against the wall
Punching the wall
Then storming away
Pulling off his jacket
Throwing it
Bolting...

I walk
Away
Hide
In the bathroom
Lock myself in the stall
Cornering myself
Curled up
In a ball
Of fear and confusion

This is the world we live in
This is the way things are
I feel it
Hitting me
Knocking me down
Like a wave

Where are my feelings?
Inside,
Finally showing through
It kills
I destroy what once was

I said I didn't feel it
He felt it too much
I broke him...
I broke him...

Covering my ears
Half an hour later
I am found

"Kid? Kid?"
"Hey, I found her!"
"Hey, it's okay, it wasn't your fault."
"Come here, it'll be okay."

Held by those who love me
This cause
The hurricane
Is loved?

I had a feeling in my stomach that I hated
Hearing it made it lurch
You promised
You wouldn't try
But there they were

They stopped him
Held him
He let loose
Ran
Bolted
Eventually caught
Brought away
Safe...

But what is safe?

Just promise
You won't try again...

Just promise
You'll be okay...

Just promise
You'll move on...

I know he'll never read this
Never see through my eyes
Even so
I care...
Just know I care...
I'm sorry...
I just couldn't live a lie

Crippled by who I am
And what I have become
What I did
Ended
It almost cost a life...


- Jay M
May 20th, 2019
May 2019 · 76
Teach Her
Jay M May 2019
Listening to the beat
Tap tap tapping along
Here I stay
Sewing, entranced
Captured here
In this moment
Of temporary peace

For her
I make a blanket

Black, grey,
Bits of green and pink
Checkered and given a soft edge

Love it, she will
Then
Maybe I could teach her
Be the older sister I ought to be

Show her what is real
When she's lost her way again
I'll show her how to feel
When she can't feel anything
Guide her through the seas of shadows

Run away
Is all she wants to do
But
Save her, I shall

Show her what it's all worth fighting for
Teach her what is safe

- Jay M
??/?/????
May 2019 · 412
Don't Let Her Be Like Me
Jay M May 2019
They try to let her know
With every night will come a brighter day
Well, hey,
Let me know when this night will end
I'm getting tired of playing a little pretend

She's only 14
Just starting her life
She's got a big family
There's no glee
Only confusion
The delusion
That I belong

With every day
She just keeps falling
Early in May
Her Birthday
Replay, replay, replay!
The terrors go on
That only she knows

Get it out of my head
But it isn't over yet

They try to hold her
But with every touch
She hesitates
Saying "wait,"
"I don't want to hurt you, too."

Come on now, girl
I know you want to leave
But just believe...
There's a chance
That there's something out there...
Waiting for you

You've got the little one
Just hold her close,
Don't let her go
"I promise..."

Teach her to carry on
Show her the way
Catch her when she falls
Don't let her fall like you...
Like me

Don't let her go
Don't let her go
Don't let....
Her be like me.

- Jay M
May 16th, 2019
She...is a lot more like me than I realized. I hope she doesn't take after me...  All I want is for her to be happy.
May 2019 · 451
Snippets
Jay M May 2019
Snip

        s
          n
             i
               p

Falling gently to the floor
Resembling
Remembering
What I had
What I lost

Taking the scissors
Looking up at the misters
Glancing at my sisters

What have I done?
I've but my life on display

You see this hair?
This is only fair
This is mine
So quit acting as though it were thine
Lets see who's in control now

Inch after inch
Flinch after flinch
Wave after wave
I gave and I gave
Well, here's my way
To say
Let my live my life
My way

You want to control me
No, let me be
I need to be free

I need your love
Set free the dove
Surrender it
Don't throw a fit

Don't be mad
That's just sad
Be proud
Just don't be too loud

I see the look on your face
Look ahead in this race
I take a bow
Look at me; see me now

- Jay M
May 13th, 2019
Well, I cut my hair. I'm rebelling. My mom and stepdad want to control my entire life and how I live it. If I want to be happy by doing the things I love, then let me. Let me have those good memories.
May 2019 · 352
Indescribable Strangeness
Jay M May 2019
Deep inside
The demons she hides
Can't deny them
Compacting my emotions into a gem
Tossing it to the sea
Will I ever be free?

I have love
But it's not enough
I thought it would be
But they won't let me be
It's only dragging me further down
But I don't want to let him down

He's too sweet
Too kind
What a find

Still
I am here
Unchanged
Deranged still
Un-resting
What have I become?

While I sit here
Wondering what has become of me
They try to "get help" for me
But I'm not taking the bait
I'm not going away
I'm not leaving my world behind

So confused
Lost in myself
Afraid of everything
Running blind
In a forest so dark and unknown
So familiar
But I can't see

Just bring me out
Take my hand
I know not why
I can't just deny
This strangeness
Chilling my bones

I love, and I love
But I lose

I love, and I love
But I lose...
I always lose...

- Jay M
May 10th, 2019
I don't know what's happening to me...
May 2019 · 133
Waking Up
Jay M May 2019
Disturbed by the sun
Brought hesitantly into the waking world
Hiding in the blanket
Shielding my eyes from the beams of light
Whispering to my mind;
"Rise, young one."

Waiting there
For my body to wake
Coming to the waking world
Almost in full

Rising from my cocoon
Slowly freeing myself
Emerging into the space that is my room

Stretching into the new area
A new volume to partially taken
Shifted from resting place to base
Looking in the mirror
There is my face
Eyes staring back at me
Shades of brown and green
Flickering from side to side
Studying my figure.

- Jay M
May 10th, 2019
I got bored, and decided to try something new.
May 2019 · 220
A Little Something
Jay M May 2019
One day
I will
Go fetch the scraps
The metal
The wood
And make something
Just for you

A bench
Framed in the shape of a heart

Or

A sculpture
Of metal
Designed by my siblings and I
Will power
To go on
Make it for them

- Jay M
May 9th, 2019
May 2019 · 433
D&D
Jay M May 2019
D&D
Rushing around
Trying to do what makes me happy
Yet I forget
Having to rush back and forth
Get it
Come back
Start

Here we go
Diving into a world only we know
All different
Yet together for the fate of the land
Friends to the end

Smiling throughout
Cheers and hoots
Down with those evil *******!
On we go!

Battling for a while
Then peace
Then, battle once more
Then stopping at a cliff hanger
Cleaning
Hugs, talks
Then off we go
To meet again in the days to come

- Jay M
May 9th, 2019
I've been playing for about a month or longer, and I love it.
May 2019 · 171
I'm Not That Strong
Jay M May 2019
I know I'm not that strong
Struggling just to lift my head
Like an infant

Barely faking the smile
Dragging on for miles
Wanting to be free
But there is only one escape
That I can see
Staring back at me

The only thing that makes me feel
Kills me inside

It's better to feel something
Than nothing

The demons we're made of
Told to **** them
Yet I haven't the strength to

They were the ones that held me
When I was in my darkest times

They were the ones that got me on my feet
When all I wanted to do was lay down
And never get up again

So how could I?
I couldn't.
I can't.
I can't **** my demons...

I'm not that strong...

- Jay M
May 8th, 2019
May 2019 · 338
My Greatest Fear
Jay M May 2019
Loving and fighting
Wordlessly and real
Inaudible and echoing
Accusing, denying
I wonder what has become of my mind

Helplessly crying
Forever denying
Won't let them in
They won't know
The deadly truth
That will get me sent
Far, far away
To a land unknown
Destroying my home

I deserve to be alright
I deserve to sleep at night
Suffocated by regrets
Past mistakes

One day
I fear
I could lose all I hold dear
All so near
To my heart
To my very soul

I can't imagine a world
With them all gone
Lying on the floor
Would they hear me screaming;
"Please don't leave me!"?

Take my hand
Help me
Make it alright

Pacing back and forth
As threats fly
Slipping for a second
Then I hit the ground
Play dead?
I've been dead

The aching in my soul
Driving me to suffer the extremes
Of the what the human mind can do
All to itself

Hold on
That's all I'm trying to do now
Not stay strong
Just stay

I swear
I still love you
Even if I'm doing these things
They're to myself
Punishment for my wrongs
Yet they are seen worse

Hold me
That's all I want
One person
Whomever they may be
Hold me
Tell me it'll be alright
Maybe not now
But someday

Give me someday

Help me
Give me a tomorrow
But don't take me away
Don't strip me of everything

Don't take all I have left

- Jay M
May 8th, 2019
This is probably my greatest fear....some of you will understand...
May 2019 · 426
Birthday, Remember?
Jay M May 2019
Calming down
Waiting for the time
Where I can fill my mind
With anything else
Keep to the present...
Oh ****

The reminders
Today was the day...
Last time...
Remember when you tried?
Didn't you try to....this time last year?
Isn't today...?

The answer is...
Yes

It haunts me when I close my eyes
The same old empty night
Killing me inside
Torturing me

Yet there they are
Singing;
"Happy Birthday!"

They're smiling
While I'm pretending
All my will is bending
Threatening to break
It's all fake;
My laughter
My smile
My glowing in the eyes
I do it for them
So they won't take me away
Because of my past

Oh, but they just sing
They make a scene
Like it never happened
Just forget
FORGET IT

But it would be nice
If just a person and I
A friend and I
Would laugh
Make today a good day
A time to remember
To cover my past
Make today a blast

But that's just a dream
Isn't it?

- Jay M
May 7th, 2019
I did something I'm not proud of on my last birthday...
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