Once upon a time
There was a little island
And it wasn't a person
Because this has a happy ending

There wasn't a tsunami
And we weren't all drowned
The sun dried the land
- But not too much, there was still rain

Once upon a time
Which goes on forever
We are still young
And the world holds a promise: of joy, of splendour

Our hearts weren't torn
Our souls weren't broken
We hold hands with acceptance
Because somewhere there must be a happy ending

And the fiery haze came down
All must burn
All must burn
Devoured.
Heart drum rears up
Urges forward
HOW DARE YOU
booming through a body
Amplified by bones and skin
Amplified by jaw set, eyes hardened
Hands clenched, soul rising

A challenge has been met.

He called
And his pain spilt across the footpath
A curious shade of red
Anger too.
In front of me,
Surrounding me
Swallowing me
I didn’t mean to hurt you.

She called
And cautiously retreated
“I feel like I’m stuck in the middle”
Throwing an option to dangle in the air
Neither of us caught it.

Too soon?
Not for me. I don’t think so.
But for him. And that’s complicated.
I don’t want to tangle you in this
M-----.
Even your name gives me butterflies.
I don’t want you to feel caught up.
But you are.
And you have an option
You threw it up into the air
And maybe it’s the best one for you
I don’t want this to swallow you too.

Terrified of loss
- For overseas and far away he soon flies
Such a strong bond
so much we have shared.

I needed this distance
For a greater perspective
To appreciate him fully

And I needed this dynamic
Us three, jamming and joking,
To remember how joyous life can be

So serious. I become so serious.
It's a complicated mental disease
A factor of my human existence

Terrified of loss
- For he might just slip away
Never again to be seen
Or heard, or felt, or to feel

Terrified of this above all
For flames do extinguish,
This I did learn,
And people sometimes fly away.

She wears her heart upon her chest
yet it will not be given away
to her neck it was chained
for by a man it was tamed
and forever
it will stay.

"Temptation... Please never end"
The world thus explained, defined
- At least if I cannot control
I can understand!
Ah blessed interest!
Curiosity on a high,
Connections sparking
You hit my spot
*Deep

I yearn for you
Heart quickens
Each throb tugging
The string which binds us
Eyes search deep
Forehead to forehead
Nose-tips kissing
Soul knowing
Unfurling more each day
This deep yearning
This calm overwhelming
This whole we have made for ourselves
From two broken souls

And as we mend our own
As we mend each others
Your shoulder and chest become my turtle shell
My busker's chair
Your head crowns mine
Arms pull me tight and close:

Home.

He glared
Anger and frustration and sorrow
                                                       Brow creased
Against the poverty, the greed, the lust, the manipulation, the absolute fakeness of it all
                                                        Brow­ creased
As if to ward it all away
But it doesn't help
                                                        Brow­ creased
So he lashes out.
                                                    
Blames me, blames her, him, anything, shoves his pain forwards

I catch it. I curl up. Let it escape in tears and sorrow.
                                                        But you can't stand it long.
And I catch it.
                                                        You can't fend it off
And I can't keep catching
                                                        ­You slip
I can't catch you
                                                        You fall
I can't catch you
                                                        You'­re gone.
                                                      
                                                        You're gone

I am left with stale feelings
In this moment set a blaze
How can one make peace with a world so harsh?

If I could catch
My minds flight
Grind into ink
Splay across paper
If I could hammer it down
Locked still and tight
Would it only show
A desperate moment
A fleeting glimpse
A window
A still life
Missing context
Missing completeness
Missing truth

I hope it’s okay
There are teachings and learnings here
Or something
I think pain can be good
Hurt.
Is beautiful
There are deep connections
And share-ings
- So that’s okay, isn’t it?

You remind me of Luke
A tortured soul
Deep deep feelings
I’m curious
Peel back the layers
I should have just been his friend
He needed something
But not a lover to resent
And lose

You would sacrifice
Too much
In the end it could be
Worse
Slashing. Fizzling. Breaking.
I’m cautious:
You might tip-
Over
Like he did.

Keep yourself.
Uphold your values
Your true strength is there somewhere
Hiding in fear of rejection
You’ll shine so so bright!
Glean an enjoyment from life
He did not.

I’ve  been on a buzz
Running, running, running
Covering over
The deep sorrow
Contrast to the extreme excite
Mournful
I am empty
Hollow

No one else will fill you up
That’s a love and care you have to give yourself

I’ve been trying to work through all this
Maybe you
And the reminders
Are teachers
A chance for reconciliation
Maybe the girl with the red balloon
Needs to let it go.

I‘m falling for you
Like Autumn leaves
In the clutch of the seasons force
This world’s inevitable turning

I’m falling for you
Not just because I can.
Not just because I can’t not.
Both of which are true.
But because I want to.

I’m falling for you,
Remembering those dark sinful hours
Sweat on skin
Hips embraced by teeth and tongue
Rustling sheets, gasps and moans
Passion and pleasure and desire and,.. and…

I have fallen for you
Hoping, just hoping, you’ll be there
Arms warm, inviting, secure
Ensuring my plunge is not into the depths of despair
The despair of rejection, of dashed hopes and broken feelings
But, instead, instead, into the ethereal bliss that is love.

I miss us.
I do.
Why did you freeze on me?
Ice cold. But you didn’t realise.
I think I could get you back in a heart beat.
But where’s the caring?
Out the window somewhere.
You haven’t even asked.
It’s not on your mind.

I miss us.
But I don’t think it would be right to have us back.
You wouldn’t be there.
Not how I need.
You don’t understand.
You’re full and overflowing
And I can’t keep up
Not like this.

I miss us.
But is it that I just miss your company?
A duo of friendship
Because that’s what it dissolved to in the end
And you’re so far away now.
I’ve forgotten how it was in the beginning.
I know how it was in the end.
I don’t want that back.

I miss us.
But I don’t want that back.

I'd like to say
"I'm only human"
And plead vulnerability
Let my strength fall

But I am made of a wick of light
That burns strong and bright
I have angels guarding me
Uplifting me

I have chosen this journey
And my anger burns searing white
With vision
With clarity

Enemies beware
Though you are simply fallen
Unaware of the bright wick inside
And I will uphold my worth

- But with compassion, see, and understanding.
Though I walk in the light,
I am fallen too,
And one day we will rise again.

I lay amid dull breaths
- And loud snores,
Fake it til you make it they say
Mutters – the talk of Morpheus?
They make their way to the heavens
Maybe someone will understand them.

I’m trying to comprehend
Was it a purposeful touch?
Those many slight brushes
I reciprocated, ever so soft
Remembering my lovers face
Hoping this was okay

Things is.
She gave me this freedom.
There she was
Placing it in my arms
And here you are:
That ever so slight hint

I’d like to hold you
To give you love
To give a glimpse of my world
You’ve shown me yours
In many a way;
But you’ve left out soo much

That ever so slight touch

I’ve always had a thing about my feet

Sometimes neither of you are bad people
And he's not a ****
And everything was so beautiful
But it still
                has
                        to
                              end.
Because the pieces just don't fit quite right
And it feels like time
Even though there's not really much fighting
And he says he wants to be with you
For the rest of his life
Even though you'll miss his cuddles
And the silly jokes he makes
Even though he understand soo much other people don't
And he listens without excusing
Even though...
You'll miss him dearly.
Everything was so. ****. Beautiful.

Sometimes neither of you are *****
And things aren't even explosive
And no one has cheated
Sometimes... all the reasons for it to end
Are nice.
And calm.
And sad.
Sometimes that's just it.
No movie black and white contrast
No real drama here
Just real life calling at your doorstep
Saying
"Hey. You've learnt and grown and it's time
                           - it's some time."

I want to write a poem
To experience catharsis
Let sorrow and worry drip
Through keys to image of blank paper
Etching passionate letters

I want to write a poem
To distill this feel
Watered down to a part per million
Less harsh, less potent
As a trace serene

I want to write a poem
To make it go away;
Exhausted struggle
Takes its toll
Because I’m a drop of sunshine
Or so they all say.

I want to write a poem.
I want to write a poem.

Can I breathe?
Just.
One Question.
Everything closes in
I am hugged
In the most uncomfortable way
I am hugged
Cuddled
Stifled
Can I breathe?
Please?
Just. One. Breath.

Cosy, curled up inside
Overwhelmed - and ignorance was bliss
My brain muffled with cotton wool.
(This is how you found me)
When the edges inclined inwards it was worse.
I could feel it in its entirety then.
I'm trying to work through;
Let it ebb away ~
There is a sadness deep in my core,
Always.
Surely someday I will hollow out?

Your beauty hides, it's true
'Til after most harrowing moment
Then close and real and sincere
You step forwards
Full of grace and calm.

Please stay true to yourself
Your true true self that is
Don't give in to easy temptation:
A magic potion quick fix

Underneath feelings rile and strangle
Turn stale and fester
Let them out
    Let it out
In song or poem or husky roar
Feel it fully to heal it more.

Somewhere deep down I know you
Somewhere you know me too
Connections made will not be lost
Even with time and space

Please remember I truly care
And others love you the same
Reach out, open up
To connect more truly
In empathy, they long to listen

Your beauty hides it's true
But we all know it's there
Don't lament of weak spirit
Rise up oh inner strength
Embrace the nature inside

One day we will meet again
As friends
Our connections will be renewed
With music and laughter and bananagram
'Til then tears must be shed
With happiness as well as sorrow

Thank you for the teachings and learnings

Thank you for being a part of my journey

Thank you for the growth I now hold

He tosses his head side to side in his car seat
Looks to me then
A wail escapes as he throws his face away
Anger? Frustration? Anguish?
"He's crying for all of us"
I muse
"Thank you for crying for all my sorrows"

His dad rattles off the latest news-
Rapes and murders, gangs, he died, she died-
And points out the car accidents
Driving closer to look
"How'd they crash through there?!
He's gone right through the fence!"

He looks at me now
Big blue eyes
And I'm sober
- No silly faces or scruffy toys to offer him this time -
Instead I simply gaze back.
We stay for a while
Serious gazes met
Mine says -
This world is cruel
People do horrible things
We think we're better than everyone else
We slander difference
There is so much pain
So much suffering
You're going to go through a lot
And I'm sorry for that
And I'm sorry for my own hardships
But you will be strong.
You are beautiful
And kind
And intelligent - I can tell already -
And you are strong.
This place is beautiful too,
See that.
Live for that.
His eyes replied:
I know. I see it.
I understand.
Then he tosses his face away.
Overcome,
Voices mingling around me offering nothing but suffering,
I rest my face in my palm.
Then - a light touch on my elbow
I look up
His eyes bear into mine
His hand outstretched
I offer a finger
He clasps it tight
And falls into slumber deep.

"let's be still"
Blared through comforting headphones
"No, no, let's dance, let's dance"
The little tendrils jiggled in anticipation
"let us join that glorious dance"
But no, 'tis not the time
Though the energy rises
And yearning, yearning, yearning
My heart does cry
- too soon! Too soon!!!
Jumping into a dance
With one foot
Does not bide well for any dancing partner
The little tendrils sighed
- but may continue to grow
Time over time over time
The blood will settle in this wound
Coagulate
Cover over
And soon
- time over time over time
Fall off to reveal shiny new
And stronger, much stronger
And the dance will be all the sweeter
Devouring
Let's be still
Let's be still
Oh still my beating, acheing, yearning heart!
**** it!
Won't you still!

She strutted in
Hips swinging,
And stood in the centre of the room.
As if all eyes were upon her
She tossed her head
The hair flick suggesting "look at me! I'm amazing!"

She sipped a drink through a straw
Occasionally licking a stray droplet from its length
Smirking as lust filled their faces
- and their pants
Her tongue whispered alluringly "look at me! I'm ****..."

She gazed at them with incredible ease
Absolute confidence
She lifted a hand and wiggled her fingers at them, a suggestive wave
- and winked
Her eyes twinkled, daring "look at me, I'm irresistible"

She followed the first guy that took her hand
She giggled at the compliments
Drank his money, glass after glass
She let him strip her bare
Of the slight barrier of fabric that shrouded her,
Her naked, fragile body begging "You believe me, don't you? Tell me you believe me? Tell me I'm wonderful, tell me..."

And the sweet poison took over.
Their clumsy bodies entwined, drunken blood urging drunken desires to be fulfilled
Her drunken mind pleading for affection, pleading, just for this moment, to be adored.

She picked up her clothes
Feeling his eyes upon her
Feeling his wanting
Feeling his satisfaction, of what she had given him
- Feeling, miserably, feeling that at least he saw her as incredible, as ****, as irresistible, as... as ...
A ****

I gasp and watch
Horrified
As I hammer the final nail into the coffin.
We sit. Apart.
Staring at our loss
Knowing and not knowing
Understanding and not understanding
Feeling and unable to comprehend
The true realisation will come later
With crashing waves of tears
And unanswered questions
'Why?' There are always reasons.
'Life is cruel' But they're never enough.

Now. Now, we sit.
My mind already begins to wrap
This moment in a fine silk handkerchief
Labelled 'Beautiful and tragic'
A keepsake.
And sometime later
I shall unwrap it
Gaping
Marvelling
Mourning
The final.
moment.
of.
Us.

Such a dreary mood upon me now
- I wish to be free
From memory,
Hopelessness,
This surging, riling, anxiety
Swirling heart and stomach,
Free from all that I know:
Running away would not suffice,
I wish to be reborn.

I escaped for a moment through another's life,
more suffering than mine, more confused, more lost -
Yet the soft light of hope pervaded
And potential shone, an open door.

Why, when I have so much, does this suffering descend?
No, not descend,
It comes from within.
This waking life in all its glory
Withholds explanation

Focus on the breath, lost one,
"The movement of air,
Into bodies, out of bodies, through lives,...
The great exchange"
Feel the swell and dissolve
The tingling that dances, the pain, the heaviness,
Let it all fall away
Let dreams clear that which lingers now
Worries dissolve into symbols and stories
Slip through the curtain to Morpheus's realm:
This heaviness may yet disappear in the light of a new sun.

It all falls away.
'Til naught is left but the inner core.
And this is where I am most fragile, most timid.
Stripped of my defences, I hesitate to speak.
Weak as I am, I will buckle at the smallest push,
so tread wary else the vibrations from your footsteps may cause me to fall
and shatter.

I can't capture my truth in a song
No matter how I try
There's always a lost complexity
A missing aspect
It feels shallow
2-D and false.

Snarl of blood and antiseptic
Glint off needles,
Buzz of a drill
I hover in the doorway
Anxious, uncertain

Marked faces, legs, arms
Metallic attachments
Shaved off hair
I stick out
Pure, untouched

Wave of tossing heads
Vibrations uplift
Strangers unified
I am alive
Filled, electrified.

He blends life into still forms
An exchange: green for a frame of darkness
           And,
Other worldly as it may seem,
          This
*Is where he fits

Three more weeks.
Four more assignments.
I count the days
I try to focus.

I sit. In front. Of. The Screen.
I read. I click. I type.
I Ignore. The Fire. Spreads. Over. My Chest.
I Ignore. The Fire. Sits. In. My Belly.
I Ignore. The Bubbling. Rises. To Taste.
I Ignore. The Hand. Squeezes. Ribs Closed.
I Ignore as the hand grows larger,
Squeezing torso
And throat.

I ignore. I ignore. I ignore.

Until it's too much.
Sit back.
One line.
One measly little line.

Check phone.
Listen: calm song.
Check facebook.

Back to it.

I Ignore. The Pain.
I Ignore. The Tears.
I Ignore. I  Ignore. I Ignore!
***** this.
Click, click, click.
All shut down.
All packed up.
All despaired.

Disappearing,
More are disappearing.

It's a bad month for any of this.

Please put down that shard of glass.
You can't hide it with your smiling face.

Through the cracks of life and to the door of death beyond,
Don't disappear on me now.
Such a simple slip.

Because the guilt feels heavy and familiar.
And my mind was so used to it
That I believed I had forgiven myself
Then,
Only just,
Caught a whisper
Of thought ninja-like,
Camouflaged.
They were normal.
That's all.
The thoughts had become normal.

And you are like him.

Is my influence so treacherous?
Do I drive men to such a depth of despair?
I'm not so vain as to think that it's just me;
There is more sorrow and complexity in your existence.
But was I the trigger?

Was I the trigger?

I was the trigger for him.
Logically, the blame should slip away.
He was unstable.
Anything, anyone,
It was going to happen some point.

But
It
Was
Me.

Just open up ground and swallow me whole
Be my Jonah's Whale.

Is my influence so vile?

How can I find a place to stand
When my standing causes such suffering?
I feel myself shrinking into the shadows again

I don't want to cause any trouble
I don't want to cause any bother
I don't want to cause any hassle

Please, just go about your lives
I'm going to close the door now
*I don't want to cause any trouble.

And the wave is crashing
Oh here comes another
Well, this is no fun at all
To think of it!
That I wouldn't be a sailor.
Oh and again.
Up we go.
Rile me over ocean
Drown me once again.
Is this how it ought to be?
My existence has a purpose -
But only to suffer.
And it crashes!
A downward spiral for sure now
What is this cause?
Oh lofty emotion may the waves take you
And me both
I could do with drowning
I really could
Before another wave hits harder still
Bring me the calm of the depth below

And the little voice piped up,
Growing louder with each word;
"Who are you to succeed?
You're invisible,
You're small
It will all end in disaster,
Mark my words,
Them? They don't care one jot!
You're a pawn in their plan, that's all,
Just stay in the shadows, that's it,
Right there, that's the spot!"

It drove fear to my heart
A falter to my step
- But wait what was this?
A success? I did good?
I realised then that I am no longer small
But powerful and bright
I'd thrown off that cloak some time ago

Another voice butted in,
Shining brighter than the other;
"You? You're amazing!
Just look at your life!
Your dreams are being realised
It's true - you're loved
And I can see why
You're powerful for sure
- But don't shrink away
It's okay to live in the light
Up here with these shining people
The universe flows through your veins"

So I stand tall,
Against doubts gnawing
My nails too
Assert their power
No longer stunted by wicked doubt

I am bright. I am powerful.
I AM IN THE LIGHT.

In the corner of my eye
He stood
Tall
Dark black
Face obscured

He watched
He looked into deepest fear
Deepest secret
Deepest longing
He looked in. deep.

His glance was comforting
Warm
I longed to reach out, to touch
Yet upon turning he was gone
Existing only in periphery
Out of reach.

Hurry now, it’s leaving soon
Car door slams, gravel underfoot
And from the boot
Grandmas lil helper is lifted
Oh! Where did it go?
Wind twists scarf to snake
Released from frames captivity
I stoop and tug
Under your foot, Gran
She shuffles,
Ties it firmly around tiny shoulders
Bright colour against delicate skin
Paper thin, both,
One for beauty, one to hold the blood in
And may it hold the blood in,
Just a little longer...

The train awaits,
Monstrous,
Steele stark against surrounding bush.
Matt has a sausage,
Mum bothers about tickets,
Both fuss and fizzle,
I press lips firmly together
Deciding then and there
Never to let entertainment turn to stress;
It’s more than it’s worth.

We’re to be in the engine room,
The rest will be left behind -
As something faulty.
Matt lifts Gran up;
She’s tiny,
She’s flying,
She’s in.
And then we’re all in.
Crammed.
We stare longingly through grimy glass
At empty carriages
Can’t we be in there? It’s all a bit stuffy.

There’s a fire along the track
But we don’t go any further.
The smoke streams out over forest.
And jerking and bumping,
Dipping along,
We reverse back to whence we started.
Petrol fumes and smoke fill our tiny cocoon
Here, let me help you*
Passenger to passenger,
Fellow human,
Compassionate eyes.
Gran has a seat;
She sways while we lurch.

Deep within
Railroad country
I make believe
I know something
Of the girl
Of the Plannies;
That sacred connection
To land and sky,
To Native country,
To Golden Macrocarpa

I stare over hills of tree ferns,
Kawakawa, Wheki, Punga
And, knowing no other,
I feel this land
Majestically
My own.

The angels of death
Kiss us softly, briefly, each night.
They taste our ripening flesh
Lick their lips
Cackle to one another
Anticipating the final moment
When they may purge their desire
Devour us
Full mouth and tongue

Tonight's round of temptations...
They missed me.

I tend to run
Freak out and run
Run from
Run to
Run from again
Something within me drives me forwards

I'm still learning the difference
Between love and lust
Affection, attraction, and admiration
They feel similar

Too often I don't understand what I am feeling
Too often I don't know what I'm doing

******* things up
Breaking hearts
I'm danger.

I'm a troll in a deep dark hole...

I think I've forgotten how to be alone.

"He has one magic trick, just one and that's it; he disappears"
Is that how it is?
****
And you're gone. And he's gone.

I'm having trouble.
I tried to make an omelette today and it turned into scrambled eggs.
And I was standing there,
Giggling to myself
As it must be my brain.

****
And everything went dull,
numbed,
- And under that so much anger
And I didn't know how deep until just recently.
Or perhaps I don't even know yet.

And I met a guy.
And I think he's the one.
And I've never really thought that before.
And I think we could be together forever.
And I've never really thought that before.

And I flip from feeling crazily, happily, madly in love
And I flip to feeling crazily, urgently, madly desperate
And I flip to nothing at all.

A numb.

But I know the feelings are still there.
I know I'm still teetering on the edge
The balance.
That balance between a wonderfully happy me
And a ridiculously desperate me
What if it doesn't work out? What if I ***** it up? What if he finds someone else?  
What if what if what if what if...
And I know I just need to relax,
There's no answers gained from this repetition;
BUT what if?!

And I've been looking at myself lately,
I've been realising how wonderful I am
I've been realising how intelligent I am
How talented
How beautiful
I'm even funny!
And I think to myself
A whisper from somewhere dark and deep;
*But is it enough?

I’m drowning
It’s heavenly
See what happened is
A million faeries with golden wings
Carried us to the heights
Of the enchanted tree
Moonbeams melting our nervous hearts

See what happened is
Spanish guitarists
Serenaded us
The river whispering sweet nothings
As we floated
On clouds of pure wonder

See what happened is
The sky opened to show a rainbow grin
The heavens sang
Our eyes made silent confessions
And the universe,
Unable to take such intensity,
Exploded into violet flame

See what actually happened is
She touched my hand
And I melted.
And, later,
My heart flowed through my lips
To fly with stars and streetlights
“And I get the feeling you might maybe like me too”
And she smiled and said
“Yea, I do”

A turtle shrinks into its shell
Then shrivels,
Grape to raisin,
Sun's warning echoing:
"Danger, danger, danger!"
As river moves from mountain to ocean
The golden arc across the sky
Soon is only a faint glow on faraway rock
- Yet it will come again
To shout it's harrowing cry
And shrink and shrivel
And round again, again, again
'Til Kingdom come
      'Til salvation
             'Til death do us unto part

Crushed, crushed, crushing
The struggle to expand
- and my throat is closing again
Heat, hot, dry
Floats over ribs
Seemingly detached
Yet hugging me tight
Claustrophobic
- And this sickness
(I'm sick of this sickness)
Threatens to rise out
Threatens, bubbles, teases
But I'm all shut up now
Not a whisper to escape
Tired.
Brain fogs
Fingers doze
All is fuzzed over
All is removed
All is discomfort

Slump.
Sigh.
The chest ache again.
But then, it never quite ceased.
Slump.
Sprawl.
The lump in the throat.
And the hope that it doesn't spill out. This skin has had enough to drink. Salty water doesn't quite do the trick, anyhow.
Glance.
Stare.
At nothing. Still nothing new, nothing holding.
A distraction, any distraction. Please?
Curl up.
Cry.
And because this mood has muddled one thousand days already, there is no hope for anything else:
Sleep.
Please.
Erase the world. That vague dark wave will crash down. Its stillness banish this heaviness. Just for a moment. A sweet blessed moment.

To be open.
To be free.
I let it all escape
Dripping
To the grass beneath my face
Curled up.
Knees tucked in.
A
Small.
Blue.
Thing.

The fog is thick tonight
The fog is thick tonight
The fog is thick tonight

I'm on a different plane
Over a crystal blue sea
- yours is murky green
Yet I know you see diamonds

I died. Back then.
Amidst the chaos.
But I was reborn.

A true self?
Is this what was beneath the rubble?
And now am I a husk?
Or is it that I've been irreparably altered?

There's no knowing - but the fog is thick tonight
And there's some dust in your eye
Concern? Discomfort? Lack of recognition?

I won't burden you much longer
This tiny window you have glimpsed-
You will never revisit.
Oh if only your mind had of melted
Flowed forth and brought me that speck:
Just for the knowing of it.

Perhaps I'm too sincere.
Does it bore you?

God. I need to sleep.

A spider web of support is forming around me.
All sticky
I'm part of it too.
A strand or two
Joined to other crazy amazing strands
I wonder who the spider is
I hope it's not trying to spell
I hope it's binding us with its strongest of web

We hold each other.
We hurt each other:
But we nurse it back
We pull the pieces together
And lift each other up
Shine shine shine

I have an abundance
Friends, creativity, excitement,
Jiggling beside me there is joy
And sorrow
And today I woke up feeling happier
So maybe things are on the rise

There is hope.
There is something.

All the bugs
That attack this web
Spoiling our architectural brilliance
Will be eaten in pay-back
And cruel resentment
And we shall carry-a-on
A spinning along

This is a poem for the inner trying to get out
For yearnings and desperation
Surrounded by cardboard furniture we sit
             With silence
                 And serious expressions
                             Business-like.

Perhaps I will set down a lyric after lyric
About the clicking pen
Scribbling over paper
About due process
Convention
Eyes avoiding eyes
The building of a wall.
Our windows all have shutters now
We begin to close them

A whispered
Bridge the gap
Is stifled
Pushed away
Drowned
In proper formality
Small talk barely satisfies.

Suits,
Mr Smith,
Suits.
Let us be quirky
Oh fellow human clone of mine!

Let us dance!

The tears leak out
Even though I don’t want them to.
They pour down my cheeks
Rivers of pain
Is it worth being upset over?
I don’t even know
I never know.
I’m stressed or tired
Or maybe both;
Or do I actually have a reason for this sadness?
A reason that makes my sadness reasonable?
You should have a bath, or something, I tell myself
And soak in your own filfth
The sarcastic voice replies. But it’s not funny, this time
The way it usually is.

I sit lifeless, watching
unable to move except by your hand
no muscle to aid me
no heart, no nerves
yet I feel a sadness
an emptyness
as though I weren't filled with cotton
as though only this hollow shell of fur remains
my cage.
These eyes stare out through bars of reality
longing for freedom
to do
to be
to live.

The dictionary was our savior.
We turned to it when straits were dire.
It gave mystical advice.
It absolved responsibility.
Well this time
This time
It told me to jump into the abyss
Disappear into the ether
And tempting as that is
A release
An erasure
A finality
Tempting tempting tempting
I know how much it would mean to you
So I resolve
To only visit temporarily
To make my escape brief
- And return all the more brighter
Refreshed and gleaming
Restrained only by human form
Oh severe mother of mine!
To pin me to this physical form!
And merciful father!
To birth me unto being!
One day I will transcend
But for now
A brief escape will have to do.