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Tuesday Pixie Sep 2014
Two 'shes' becoming 'hes'
They were beautiful
And open
And vulnerable
And guarded
It captured me
But they didn't reply to my email
Or accept my facebook friendship
Instead I was left with glorious inspiration
To be open
To be vulnerable
Arms wide,
Embracing change,
To follow my truth
As they followed theirs
Strong, defiant, knowing.
They were on a journey
As I am on mine
And we glimpsed each other
A hint of expression
Behind different steering wheels
Yet it was enough
For me to be touched
For me to remember.
Tuesday Pixie Mar 2014
Because in this moment I feel 80% lesbian
and 20% straight
Because I've never desired a woman
like this before
Because curiosity
will be my Eve's apple
And because I've realised that I relish the temptation
above its release

Because she is special
- and I mean beautiful in mind and spirit
- and I mean graceful in body and word
- and I mean life itself seems to sparkle from her smile

Because this may be me coming out to the world and saying:
I don't care if you are female or male
if you're beautiful and amazing and wonderful
then ****-it-all!! I might just have to love you

Because all I really want to do
Is hold her hand
or hug her tight

...
And I'm scared
I'm scared that if it went any further
we wouldn't be two souls sharing something beautiful
this deep intimate connection
or love
or beauty itself divine
emotions soaring, smiles wide

Instead we might just be
Two bodies
Trying vainly for the highest of ****** pleasures
Hormones gushing -
gaining only a sinful moment

Because I'm scared that
I am just a romantic
And anything more than bathing in her smiles light
May make these moments
lose their beauty
- instead being shrouded in the knowledge
that follows temptations release
The understanding that
she is beautiful and untouchable and I
I, straight, female, me
I cannot share in more than that smile
I may only revel in the touch of her hand
or occasional embrace

Do I need anything more?
No. The beauty, the temptation, the agony
is divine.
But. Still. I long to know.
Tuesday Pixie Oct 2014
A lady studiously typed.
Her assignment was almost done.
See, it was interesting for sure.
At first it had been fun
But it drained energy and time.
There were other things she wished to do.
And so it was that her assignment sat up and yelled;
“Well, I don’t know how to be without you.
Why would you finish such perfection?!
We’ve barely even had a row.”
“I’m sorry,” Said she,
“It’s time to hand you in now.
There’s nothing else I can do.
We both need to move on
And be as we shall be
I’ve become so worn
There’s not much point
There are many more things in sight
See, you’re destined for experiences other than mine
And I have many more assignments to write.”
And she typed the final word
It clicked into place
The assignment’s heart sank
- He was filed to interspace.
A love story
Tuesday Pixie Apr 2015
It sears red
It sears
Across my chest, bursting through
Charging out into shaky hands
Sharp voice and dark eyes
Deadly, I hope they are, deadly

That people are so cruel
Inhumane
It's beyond my comprehension
That sick pleasure
Sadists.

What's it to you
*******
Were you abused in kitten-hood?
Did it teach you to pounce?
You sharpened your claws
But your teeth are broken

And I am just about ready to snap that little neck
Tuesday Pixie May 2012
The kitchen be my prison
To which I am confined
Enslaved by my position
As 'woman' to mankind.
This poem was a response to my friends constant jokes about my gender - which become rather annoying and predictable; "Make me a sandwich!" "Get back to your kitchen!"
Tuesday Pixie Aug 2014
He fumbles where I excel
Cut short by feelings
And musings, escaping,
Dripping from my lips,
From opposite extremes, we explore.
I wish I could give you a joy
To set your life in everlasting light

I lose myself in others
Emotions, words, desires
I lose myself and forget where I stand
The ground beneath me turns concrete.
Alone with the earth
I know just me and the universe
And there's nothing else to be known

He fumbles
The feelings are stuck -
Where I am lost he can barely venture
I am subtle while he is coarse
Yet we both watch
As the universe turns
Tumbling its strange orbit

Longing for freedom
Excelling in temptation
In danger, in destructive urge
Spirits soaring
Adrenalin charging
We dance along, the dance of the broken,
The dance of the universe
Tuesday Pixie Jan 2015
Buried deep within teenage romance
And wit and strife and philosophical musings and --

He'd nudged my foot,
His face is a gorgeous grin over these pages.
I glance back to them.

The love interest rose up now
Handsome and beautiful
Charming, clever, humorous, and deep
(But did he have to be oh so middle class American??
And did she? Or I, first person as it is?) --

He's started to stroke my toes now,
Gently, just how I like it.
I'm not kidding when I say
"If you touch my feet I'll fall in love with you"
It's almost instantaneous.

A heroic act of selfless love:
Amsterdam snows confetti
Virginities are lost or traded or gifted
Heroes are demoted --

He kisses my head now,
My cheek, my temple
Interrupts with a story,
Hilarious I am sure
"What was that? Sorry, I'm distracted"
I giggle
Engrossed in the 'other land'

Love blooms on the wings of angels
(And all those other cliches)
He is perfect, yet flawed, as they all are.
As we all are.
They click and rebound and discuss
They laugh, they cry:
They try to fill a part of themselves with
The Other --

I glance up, spying on my own lover
His soft glance on the laptop
Beautiful lips
Gorgeous style
Our own joking, rebounding, enthused exchanges.
Our own supporting, caring, deep meaningfuls.
And I'm not jealous. Not of them. Or anyone. Not one bit.

Yet tragedy is ever present!
And our handsome and perfect lover
Is tossed into Oblivion:
Or to a Something's Somewhere --

"He's dying!" I cry to beautiful brown eyes
Framed with long wavy black.
The darkness holds amusement and affection.

Their perfect and tragic love is ever more so
For its fleeting 'forever'
Its lessened 'infinity':
Beautiful and fragile --

His arms are around me tight
Why am I affected so?
Too easily invested?
But it's not that.
The emotions are too close.
It had been described so well.
Loss.
So accurate.
And these feelings not completely healed
- But healing. Slowly.
Time heals all wounds,
But maybe some are forgotten, sealed away
This one. This one slowly eases.
Some infinities are larger than others.*
And his love surrounds me
As emotions leak from some deep place
Let out to the Universe
Hopefully to never return.
Referenced and spoilered: 'The Fault in our Stars' by John Green. A marvelous novel. John Green sure knows how to capture grief. Just like in 'Looking for Alaska'. Luckily I read that one Before.
Tuesday Pixie Nov 2014
I have a vision
Of a future
Bright, joyous,
And the contrast of sorrow
Children skipping, giggling
Darkness and light
Musical notes drifting through
Dramatized passion, hilarity
Nature surrounding
Encapsulated in cobweb of love and support

Unfortuna-mentally
I am at once terrified of settling
- being tied down
Losing independence, individuality
Missing dreams
- at once terrified
And at once yearning
With all of me
For a family
For a dream of forever
To settle and begin such a masterpiece
To commit to
And be certain of
The depth there in
Something more important than me or mine
To dedicate self
Surrender
Sacrifice for
And again such a venture requires a partner
Who shares the dream
Enriches the dream
Supports the dream.

Contradictions, aren't we all?

Or am I just yearning for the erasure of self
Through divine love?

Aah~ maternal instincts!
Life of mine,
Live out the step you're in
Young one
Before you yearn and plan for the next!
So fresh and yet to begin
- Society's great work machine awaits
And the experience of other lands!

Life of mine,
Live the experience of now
Fully
Grow all the more for it
Feel each pain and joy
Clarify mind
Build strength of self
Claim a sense of identity
See where it takes you...
Tuesday Pixie Nov 2011
They stand,
huddled together,
tall protests that peirce the air;
With their shear beauty
they show reason enough,
they need no more justification.
And there, bleeding out of their mass,
mangled hunks mercilessly hacked from helpless trunks,
reduced to a pile of rubble, of rotting flesh,
filling the air with their putrid smell,
murdering the serenity with their own death.
And the perpertrators?
Long gone.
Their blades dripping with blood, oozing with evil,
their stinking motors,
all gone,
leaving only destruction and acrid smoke,
which can not be cleared,
swept away,
by the mass that was beauty,
destroyed by greed.
Tuesday Pixie Mar 2013
I can feel them all pressing down.
They piled up, one by one
And I could knock some off
But it didn't make a difference;
they just kept piling up.
I'm some sort of magnet
A pressure point
In a glacier, perhaps
- all sides pushing against me and no relief
So this ice turns to water
My composure disintegrates and leaks
And suddenly I'm not a person any more
But a puddle of exhaustion and desperado
There's too much, too much, too much.
And there's nothing I can do
But try to pick them off one by one
One day at a time, as they say,
One thing at a time.

Will I ever be freed from burden?
Tuesday Pixie Oct 2011
I will write a story.
But it is not for you.
And nor is it for me,
but for the tide that goes in and out,
everchanging,
gaining and losing,
winning,
yet never reaching an end,
a ******, a finale,
spending its eternity just moving against the sand till its belly is rubbed raw,
but no pearls will be formed from this graize,
no beauty found in its torture,
only pain and sorrow and lost souls
and a mournful wind that sweeps and stirs the sea into a fit of emotion,
into a writhing curling mass which is lost to all and which all is lost to,
but nevermind, for we are on the land.

And so the sea is left,
forgotten by us,
as we live,
and thrive and jump and play,
left to its own ruin,
its own regretful demise,
maybe one day it will rise from the sand that rubs it bare,
in a wave of foam and fury,
to revenge upon us who turned our backs,
left it in neglect,
in disgust,
as we ran about in our wealth,
our bellies clean of wounds
hardly rubbed by sand,
who could have offered shelter from the winds fury,
or comfort from the abrasive grit,
and deliver unto the oceans wound
a pearl of comfort
so that it may enjoy the peace and health
which we take for granted

but then
what reason for us
of two legs
to interfere in such ruin
of a thing so different and seperate to our own
so far from us
and complete in its seperation
that we may forget
and by such slip of mind
enjoy our comforts
unperturbed
uncaring
for any suffering
or demise
other than our own.
so far it is, so far
and we would much rather stay in here
warm next to our open fire
than shift  to the rough stormy sea.
they will have to save themselves
it is not our cross to bear

But then perhaps I was mistaken.
It seems we are no longer on the land.
But emersed too in the ocean,
seemingly as endless as the pain with which it binds us
they are not so far or different as they seem
This story i tell, it is for you and me both,
but mostly for the tide, the pull, the current, the sea which has dragged us down,
and been dragged down by us
through our own lack of care and
our neglect,
is dragging us and together we sink,
drowning in our foolishness,
they are not so far from us
nor so different

We waited for them to be saved
as they drowned
if only we had stopped waiting,
waiting for the sun to rise,
to turn their water into air,
a mighty pearl to free them from the wrath of the waves
the wind which traps them in dispair
and now, in turn, us
we starve
stripped of our wealth
yearning to be back
by our fire
warm and safe
in ignorance
of their reality
and suffering,
Surely if we could go back, it would be different,
we would lend some wealth, our hand of glory
gift upon them a pearl
so they may not be so troubled
and we hear, as a whisper ripped from some time long ago,
on a far distant shore, in the haze of the sun;
*Nevermind, for we are on the land.
Tuesday Pixie Sep 2014
So how about I do tumblr

And you do my assignment

And then we meet later

And drink wine

To counter the caffeine

That buzzes now

And how about M--- come too,

And A--- mayhap,

And we have a merry old’

Delving into the reckless

(Delving into the wreckless)

So how about it then?
And he did reply:

a) I can’t do your assignment because I don’t study Environmental Planning.

b) YES wine

c) I think A--- will be busy

d) I have to work on an essay :(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( - 87 chins (also one frown)
Tuesday Pixie Aug 2014
Thing is. I wouldn’t usually even try to figure this one out.
She’s so different.
So special.
And I get nervous.
The butterflies take away my eloquence.
They make me stumble.
And with her I would stumble anyway
Because she comes from a different mind
I want to understand
I want to understand
I want to understand
She humbles me.
I’ve hardly ever felt so humbled
It’s like she knows.
Her perspective
- I wish to taste it
But the butterflies
- And there’s this wall there
I’m learning
Please be patient
I stumble
- We all stumble
And you humble me and I stumble again
Your achievements fill me with pride.
And they’re not even mine.
Pride and happiness for you.
Because you deserve it.
You deserve greatness.
I want to understand
I want to understand
I want to understand.
Tuesday Pixie Feb 2012
I didn't want to add another one; it would tip the balance.
I'd reached the perfect place, an aura of harmony amidst the chaos that was.
To tamper with that would be reckless.
Yet I did.
As I always do.
It seemed to me to be predestined that I took that step
that would ruin the joyous innocent circle
of trust
of acceptance
of happiness
which has somehow found me at its centre.
Everything that had been had led me there
so I rejoiced in my follies and ***** ups,
the things without which I would not have such glorious company
So I took that lucky number,
that large one three -
lucky to some, especially to me -
I took it and added one more.
One perilous, tiny straw
on the end of the balanced seasaw
And I waited.
I waited for it to collapse.
To come rushing down
A rush of adrenaline, panic, and joy
A sharp thud -
The fleeting moment the body has stopped but the mind has not.
The sickening non-existent stair the foot falls through in the dark.
The startled loss of something unknowingly treasured yet treasured far too much to lose.


Yet it did not.
Tuesday Pixie Jun 2013
And the world keeps on turning
it doesn't mind if we fall behind
it doesn't wait.
And our clocks they keep on ticking
Ticking ticking
Because time was invented to push
And push
And push us forwards
Endlessly forwards
Into the present
As if without their ceaseless urge
We might just slip into the past
And in the turmoil we strive for a break
A lapse in time
A passage to the ether
Where we may actually be able to stop thinking
- Maybe this time we can have a break

And in the space that lies
Between thought we will find peace
Or boredom
Or nothing
The type that doesn't exist
Even space has rocks
And there there will be elevator music
With purpose to entertain
But a function to remind
That we are just waiting once again
In the space between
The place we were and the place we want to be
To remind that we are in the present.

And the clocks tick ceaselessly
And we are losing seconds
Each a step closer to the eternal dark
The white light
Or nothingness
How can we know?
And we are pushed
Pushed
Pushing forwards
Lest a second wasted is the last we use,
Lest a second wasted is the one that leaves us behind
- That leaves us without another
And time is a constraint to be obeyed and structured
And time is an allowance we forget to enjoy
And time is the rule
The non-existent measure of life
- We've only a limited budget
And it will never ever be enough
Just give me a moment
Just give me a break
The ether might yet consume me
Or maybe I should consume it;
A medication for my hectic mind
The stillness I crave is all too brief and limited and much too measured
Just give me a break.

*Tick tock
Tuesday Pixie Feb 2015
Redundant sexless girl
Unable to fulfill your biological purpose
The species will not continue
- Not from your *****.
Your womb is dried up
The monthly cleanse broken
Interrupted
Your ovaries cry out-
The rain does not come
The rain does not come
The rain does not come

To wash away the old
Prepare for the
Coiling, growing, emerging
The innocence to be birthed
And spoiled by this world's evil.
Redundant sexless girl
Drained of life-giving blood
Drained of nurturing power
Drained of womanhood
Redundant sexless girl
Barren girl
What use have you?
What purpose?
What right have you to still walk this most fertile Earth?
My friend was diagnosed with poly-cystic ovaries, this is something of what was going through her mind. Though, I do think this really applies to our society's general attitude towards elderly people too.
The title was kind of a play on the movies and books which require people to mate for the continuation of the human species. I'm not sure if it really works but it's all I can think of right now haha.
Tuesday Pixie Oct 2014
Tired.
Ill.
Stuck.
All is meaningless.
All is fuzzed.

I just want those arms
Clasped around me tight.
That's all.
To dissolve into his blackness.

Nothing is clear cut.
I know this.
And nothing will take away the hurt.
That's something inside me.
Something I must feel
And possibly cure
With love and care and time.

Something might take away this sickness.
Maybe.
If there's a reason.
More than just psychological - please let it be physical.
I don't know how to erase psychological pain.

I don't want to freak out.
I don't want to ruin things.
Friendship, music, this comfort I have found.
Please let this be okay.
Please let this work.
Let me find an assertion
Of my own
Even in tiredness
And let him listen
And honor that.

I don't want to be alone.

I don't want to lose this.
Tuesday Pixie Sep 2014
"Honest to God I will break your heart"

A paper cup overflows
           Spills
                  Breaks

All is transient.


"I would have wanted to keep trying"
I know.

"Is there anything else you want to say?"

Silence.
A hug.
No glances back.
I hope you're okay.

"Honest to God I will break your heart" from 'Night of the Hunted' 30 secs to Mars
Tuesday Pixie Mar 2016
Stomach claws at flesh and skin
"Out! Let me out!"
-- Rips --
-- Tears --

A smiling **** below ribs
set so happily in place.
Oozes across pale carpet
A trail of scarlet defiance.

To taste the world so intimately
A chore indeed.
World's inherent cruelty
Persuades you to flee.

Ribs,
Ribs hug too tight.
In fear.
They seek protection.

You, you run off.
And I sit in the corner and bleed
With care and love and hope
With sorrow and concern and dismay
With the lack of wrong or right
and the absolute inherent wrongness and rightness
Of all things.
Respect me, please.
I pain. I pain. I pain.
Tuesday Pixie Nov 2014
I have a right to stand
I'm claiming it now.

Turangawaewae; 'a place to stand'
Is a deep empowerment from the land
Learnt through ancestral connection
Strengthened through ahi ka; 'keeping the fires burning'
Well, my ancestral stories ain't so impressive
There were few battles
Though my granddad worked for the air force in world war two
- As an accountant
We didn't encounter the gods or try to bring down the sun
Though when my Grandma arrived here she built up the soil
Soul of the Earth
For 70 years
As the city sprang up around her
And my mother aged 11 played follow the leader with a goat in the next door construction site
Where her house is now
My uncle found an old mans false teeth in a cup
Climbing through an abandoned house
My aunt visited James K Baxter's Jerusalem
She wasn't a fan of his poetry
But his wisdom spoke to her
My other aunts jumped through the neighbours trees
Who threatened to shoot them
My father followed my mother here
After her O.E with my sister in the oven
He ******* about John Key as much as anyone
And praises this land; it is home.

I stood on a windy cliff surrounded by pohutukawa and learnt the whisper of the sea
Roughing it on an island I tried determinedly to turn into a pukeko
I got my first cut, bruise, scrape from this land
My first breath, poem, touch of a violin, my first kiss was here
I know the rough patches, the fringe scene, where the best soil is
(It's at my grams house)
I know how to spot a drug house, which cafes will let us jam, where the open mics are 5 days of the week.
I know Kirikiriroa.

My fires have been burning
And I have a right to stand
I have learnt through my own evolution
Through Janet Frame's railroad country
Through a history
Cities growing and spreading
They weren't just here
As it has always seemed to me.

The countryside, what was here before?
Landscapes of forest and mountain
Familiar yet unknown to me.

When I go away I will know the difference
When I return I will know this land
The depth recognized through contrast
Defined by difference
As the sun and moon complement
Light and dark
Sorrow and joy
And,
As in yin and yang
I will know nothing is completely separate.

When I go away I will know
So fully
And I will return and say:

This is my place to stand
My turangawaewae
My Aotearoa
Turangawaewae means 'a place to stand' in Maori. This is often linked to the marae as the foundation and is about inner strength and confidence to stand as well as an external right to stand. It has links to rights to a space which are kept through ahi ka 'keeping the fires burning' - tending to your land, looking after it, utilising it. If the fires are not kept burning for three consecutive generations the right to the land is extinguished. A right to land can be claimed through ancestral connection to the area, by reciting the stories of your people. I don't really have those, I'm mostly English. But it is also about a deep connection to land, and being empowered by this. My connection to this land is undeniable. My right to stand is connected to this. I feel grounded in a culture I've only partially been touched by, my roots are so deep in this soil and intertwined with theirs. http://www.teara.govt.nz/en/papatuanuku-the-land/page-5
Tuesday Pixie Oct 2014
Nothing is certain anymore.
I used to know: I miss knowing.
I had decided he was the one.
Forever. For ever. Everlong. Everlast.
But it wasn’t everlasting.
And now?
I’ve lost the partner to my dream.

Begin again. Start once more. All over.
New introductions: new dynamics
It’s all different.
Unsettling.
Exciting – I’m thrown off balance.
Soo much to learn.
What’s beneath the ripply surface?
Open up, prise to sunlight; I must see.
Figure: are you the new ‘one’?

A replacement?
A new dream. A new adventure.
A thousand ways to see the world.
Perspective dominates so much.
I think we come from similar mind
- But unless you speak I cannot be certain.
“What’re you thinking?”
“Mmm… I don’t know”
It’s a gap
Between thought and mouth
- I’ve been there, I’ve felt it.
We need to build a bridge.

‘Put your trust in me, I’m not gonna die alone’
I don’t want to. Not alone.
I need someone to accompany me.
I want a family.
Who?
It feels like time to settle in.
Who?
I’m tired of this game
This uncertainty
Either let me be alone
- Impossible for me, I know:
I ***** too much up when I’m single.
Yet there should be growth there.
- Then let me be with the one.

I know there is no perfection.
But imperfections may compliment.
I know it takes work.
Communication.
Sacrifice.
Energy.
Time.
I know difference must be respected.
I know connection is of most importance
- Or perhaps a close second to support.
And love.

But love grows.
Even arranged marriages fall into love.
Why not choose?
The one with the traits
The dynamic that is desired
Love will come
It always does in the end
So long as resentment does not dominate
The dynamic is soo important!
And the lifestyle
- What am I willing to give up?
What does he desire?  

I’m over this dizzying romance game.
I’m throwing the towel in.
If not him, then someone else close by.
Because I’ve always had too many options.
And before that made me scared:
Given urge to ‘play the field’
Taste all within range.

Now, now, I am tired.
It’s nice to know someone’s intimacy
Exploring beneath the cloak:
Let me in, let me in, let me in.
I know it takes time
Let me in, let me in, let me in.
But trust me. Please?
Let me in, let me in, let me in.
Coz ******! I’m letting you in.
And ******! I want to show you my world.
And to see yours.
And when we escape this place,
Maybe just for a day or two,
But when we do,
It’s fricken beautiful
And we’re beautiful
And I know that.

Please. I want to fall into love.
Why not with him?
Tired of the dating game. At such an early age! Perhaps it's just a phase.. We all want our happily ever after, even if we've lost faith in true love.
'Put your trust in me, I'm not gonna die alone' from The Antlers 'Putting the Dog to Sleep': http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xg8Ckamh8Gw
Tuesday Pixie Nov 2014
I put my feelings in a box
I scatter them across the page

I order them and categorize
Like I used to order stationary
Or split the peas from the carrots
Right before consuming

I try to defrag my brain
Stack the boxes all nice and tidy

But with the filling of each box
Is the finding of more feelings
Littered across the ground
Or, like dust, floating

Hidden cracks and corners:
My mind is a maze
Of feeling, thought, unexplored opinion
Unscrambling is eternal.
Tuesday Pixie Mar 2013
We were quite something,
Us 4 against the world.
Us 4, because we didn't really have anyone else.
Us 4,broken, damaged, rebellious and bitter.
- But we knew how to have fun, we sure did.
We knew how to stick it to the powers that be.
We knew that what we did didn't really matter.
We knew how small we were.

And that made us angry.

Because society's system comes in a 'one size fits all' that didn't, and doesn't, fit us.
Because when you're broken and the world doesn't care and the system doesn't work and you're NOT just the average teen who parties and wears the latest fashion, when you're nothing like them, when you're nothing like they want you to be
-- When you know that the socially accepted normal is stupid and meaningless and pathetic --

There's nothing else you can do but scream "***** YOU I'M DIFFERENT" with every fibre of your being and defiantly stare into the eyes of normal as you step over their invisible little line -
And it helps a little.

But only a little.

....

I'd like to say we're still united,
Us 4 against the evil oppressors.
But we're different.
We've always been different.
And that which united us once then pulled us to different places.

And now there's only 3 of us.
And it's strange how death can reunite,
Even for a moment,
3 rebels.
It's strange how death can bring clarity
To an age ago.
It's strange how it all makes sense now.
Because I think it had to be us 4,
I think we found each other
While the rest of the world was still asleep
- And much of it still is.
I think we needed each other
- I certainly did.
And I'm glad that,
In our hate,
Our bitterness and pain,
In this we found each other.
In this chaos we found love
- Even if only just for a moment.
And I miss it.
But it couldn't have lasted.
And I miss him.
But he wasn't ever truly for this world.
And we weren't ever truly for each other.
So it's a memory now, a memory of an age ago.
But I wouldn't say just.
Because 4 rebels united against the world are truly something,
Something more than just.
Tuesday Pixie Dec 2015
Ring around the rosy
Pocketful of posy

She towered at the microphone
Heels adding even more height
Deep voice and soul
Filled with mother love
She sang proud

A-tissue a-tissue
We all fall down

Much shorter this time,
Buckled onto wheeled chair
Joy came with her
A smile, a giggle,
Joking joking joking
Then "I've always wanted to play violin"
My fiddle instantly ****** forth
But "Another day, when there are fewer people
To be embarrassed in front of"

fishes in the water
Fishes in the sea
We jump back up with a one - two -

The promised festival arrived,
No more than three days after,
But not her.
She never arrived.
She never arrived anywhere ever again.
---
Tuesday Pixie Oct 2014
She likes him.
They cuddle.

He likes me.
He's in agony.

I like another him,
Who likes me in return.

He touched my feet,
Ever so soft caress.
I dissolved into light and dark
To be awoken by the shaking of heart break.

He asked her for space
But in the moment of meaningless
She reaches out a pinky
Clasps his
He shakes, eyes wide
Repeats
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry."
Holds back nails
Which are hungry for flesh
- holds back
Flesh
Hungry for detachment
Sharp pain
Removal of self

"I feel stuck"
Trapped between sorrow
And a desire for comfort
And a desperately needed boundary
- so her heart isn't dragged along too.
But she reaches out and holds on.

And he holds onto me
In minds eye

And I grip another's hand firmly
And he squeezes mine back.
Tuesday Pixie Oct 2011
And we yell.
Each nursing a private hurt.
A self-centred pain we believe the other caused.
And we don't pause to think about the others pain.
We are too focussed on our own sense of wounded pride.
Our own need, desire,
for the other to understand our reason,
the pain they caused.
The insults fly,
words pierce,
the pain grows until we can stand it no longer.
'Til there's nothing left but that blinding stab.
'Til we can only glare in anger, think in tears,
emerse ourselves in our own inner pain
as we clutch at our wounded sides.
Tuesday Pixie Jan 2015
Oh, it's what you do to me

A thousand rain drops
As this cloud burst
The dam is cracking
Splitting
Lacing up; their own little maze
Jagged and raw

And what colour am I stained?

There is no scar
- You didn't give me any time to heal
Scratch and scratch and scratch
Coagulate blood - no don't!
Gouge it out once more.
Gouge *at me.

Never to form a scar.

Was I ever enough?
Were we ever enough?
I mean, reason enough?
But you don't see the blood
And we've learnt to hide the tears.
Maybe back in the realms of somewhere
Ignored shadows whisper guilt
Whisper truth

You're drunk.
How can you stand the silence?
Isn't that when they scream?
You're drunk
And I'm sick of living this same nightmare.
Tuesday Pixie Jul 2012
I'm so exhausted
And my cheeks are still burning
My legs are still hurting
My stomach still churning
From that slippery *****
Of ice and snow
(Frozen water, yet it's fluffy?)
From that tumble down
Poles and arms flailing
Skis skittering
The snow one blank sheet
One flat generic and invisible terrain
Rising into bumps and dips
As soon as it reaches the feet
And, of course,
From those slips and dives,
Collisions and misses,
Trips and stumbles
Where legs rise up
Offering the sky a warm embrace
- Or perhaps a better perve
At the naughty parts
While the ground gets a ***** of the other end
Perhaps it's all just a trick
Of the mountain, the land
An attraction to lure us
Into it's cold, deathly grip
A chance for it to feel our skin
Our attention
Our bums
A chance for the mountain, the sky
To be the ultimate perves
Or perhaps we provide for them
A massage with our gentle gliding motions
Our poles are further *******
A more intense, deep happy ending
Or perhaps the sky and ground
Are in coherts
To gain their perverted glee
And we continue skating
Falling
Gliding
Happy
And  innocent
Of their disgusting
Kinks
I went skiing for the first time ever :D It was marvellous fun! The snow groped me all over!
Tuesday Pixie Sep 2014
The faithful worker bees
Had paused for a moment to drink and reflect
-And from here slipped into slumber deep.
We climbed in eagerly,
Soaking exhausted bones,
Frozen feet burning with warmth's sweet kiss
Tiny bodies swirling around us
Wings, fur, curled up feet.
They had paused too long,
Perhaps drunk on nectar,
They had slipped.
Or perhaps,
Restless with the hive mind
They claimed their only escape.
To float in the infinite
To spiral in ripples of unknown
To curl up, small, lifeless
And be gently, lovingly lifted up
In angels' hands
Caught ever so softly
Our sorrow arisen
And for a moment
Of our own mortality reminded
- then they were flung away
to decompose elsewhere.
Somewhere more convenient.
"Let's make a bee grave"
We mused, wishing to be respectful.
As eulogy we talked of hive minds and sacrifice
Of the selfless, tireless work of the bee.

*Thank you,
For the honey
For this cup
Of tea.
Tuesday Pixie Nov 2011
This is a poem I wrote when I was much younger - I think around 10 - but it has always been special to me, so I thought I would put it here.

Star Star
In the night
Why do you
Shine so bright?
Give me a wish
Give me some treasure
Help my friends and be there forever
Guide my people
Guide my heart
Help me have
A wishing start
Tuesday Pixie Apr 2015
I'm learning that there are different rules for different situations
And sometimes one can be too honest
Because the truth can be a weakness:
The veil may be the only thing left to hold onto

He was guarded and shrewd, holding the world at arms length
And truth was beauty and intrigue
He raised his head, locked it in a steel gaze

He was open and pure, immersed and inseparable
But the truth doubled him over, cutting deep

And how can it be my fault
As unknowingly I weave pain between blood stained hands
And how can it not
When the fragility is theirs: they walk the only path they can see

I'm giving bread to the ceoliacs
Chocolate to the diabetics
Did I think they needed it?

Equal treatment ain't always fair.
Tuesday Pixie Oct 2011
Words, like music on a page
filling the silence with beauty
how we long for such words to be said
and meant
perhaps we've all gone loopy
Tuesday Pixie Sep 2014
From a perch high above
She sat.
Feeling the sad, the pain, the hurt
There's nothing to take it away
Ignoring simply leaves a feeling or empty
A restlessness
Desperation, desperation, yearning
For her? No doubt.
For freedom? No doubt.
To run, to fly, to be in other lands
- but the feeling would come too, don't you know?
Where ever you are you take yourself too.
Best just sit with this.
Sit and watch and wait.
It's just another experience of life after all.
Tuesday Pixie Oct 2014
What a curious feeling
To mourn a dream
And to know the dream has shifted
I didn't want it anymore.

Life moves on
Swirling and shifting around me
Its colours glow
Its colours shrink

A new love
For us each
And I know she is your perfection
Now.

How beautiful.
And exhausting.
Hug me tight won't you?
This world wearies me.

Don't tell me I'm perfect.
I'll never believe it.
They all say that at some point.
We're all perfect, in different ways.

Real life doesn't fulfill our fairy tale fantasies
Much as we try to make them
Force it to fit the narrative
Spun by yearning minds

Real life is much more dull
And twisted
And interesting
But so much less romantic

I believed in soul mates once.
But only for a moment.

All eternity is now a myth
A concept
A failed dream
We jump from one to another

We jump;
Learning our lessons
Discovering self
Reinventing self

Do we ever settle?
How can we?

We realise
Each person has an aspect
Of that which we desire
Perfection would unite them together.

We realise
A mirror bears little interest
No contrast
Perfection is boredom, complacency.

We realise
We don't want
What we thought we desired
Perfection would leave us unsatisfied.

Don't call me perfect.
I'll let that one down.
Or you'll forget.
Let the value slip away.

I'm just another human, full of complexity, uncertainty, longing.
You're just another human, full of mystery, contrast, yearning.
Together we may spiral a while.
What does this life hold for us who embrace the imperfection?

— The End —