My mind and heart are in constant battle
I'm always trying to figure out who to settle, into an issue
I've made a decision
My mind, I'm sticking with
My heart, this isn't worth my
Time
My mind's telling me to leave.
To pick up and go and run to a faraway land where there's no you or her or us or we
Everything seems too heavy, lately
I'm waiting for my heart to wave the white,
I'm waiting for it to give up the fight
The world needs no fragile hearts
This world is pure red.
Flaming hot ready to devour everything and anything in its direction.
I'm waiting.
I'm waiting for them to make up.
I need my mind and my heart to decide
Do I pick up, leave or,
Fight for what I believe
But what is it that I believe?
You and her and us and we
I don't think any of this can be
Give up once and walk away
I'm sorry but I'm in no place to stay,
Where I'm no longer needed.  
I am human with a body and soul
And a mind and heart that are always competing
I have to love myself but,
Myself doesn't love me very much, this evening
I want my mind to allow my heart to wallow in secret
But I need to have them both,
In agreement
I can't struggle for those who leave and,
I can't break for those who don't appreciate it
I need to mend my heart and protect my mind
I'm in total control of the happiness I come up with
I'll drown myself in self love until I find an exit

As the world deafened around me, and the weight within my belly settled, I looked his way and noticed his eyes slowly ******* me.  
He laid his head gently on my thighs and my hands found their way to his hair.
A river; my fingers swam to the shore.
We moved to the couch and my body adjusted next to his, pressing into each other, somehow becoming one.
His arms enveloped me, his lips pressed onto my shoulders,
He took a bite.
In that moment, a flame ignited and I wanted nothing more than for him to fule the fire he now sparked.
His hand reached for me, and I asked for more
He whispered into my ears and I shook my head,
He pulled me closer saying he loved my body,
And I wondered if it was the high or if he meant it
Our lips found each other and we kissed like our life depended on it.
I could taste bitterness and loneliness,
Darkness that could possibly have me wondering how much of my heart is worth my keep and how much is worth drowning in drugs that seem a lot like love and lust, mixed into a ****** concoction of confusion.
The weight of his body moved on top of me, and I wanted the layers of clothes to evaporate like rain, but they were there suffocating the images I once had of a previous lover.
We set into a rhythm and the world seemed to dissipate,
To fade into nothing, but twilight.
As he reached his high, his body settled back between my arms and his lips graced my forehead.
I didn’t want him to love me.
I didn’t want him to offer me the world.
I didn’t want him to save me from the loneliness that, at times, eats me whole.
I wanted to know that at some point, I was cared for, even when I was used for an advantage.

Draw me into a poem and paint in all the dents the world has left within me.
Feeling your hands on my skin, caressing the inside of my thighs, moving up
Has me questioning how the roughness of the world hasn't corrupted such soft hands
Your eyes linger on my chest, and it feels like your gaze burns through me, seeing a glimpse of all the ache I feel
You run your hands through my hair, and your expression becomes much softer, as if holding a precious gem and being so afraid of scratching or dropping it  
You whisper in my ear how you want to protect me at all cost and how the world does not deserve me
How I'm so pure and unscathed by life's many hardships
You promise to wrap your arms around me every night,
When we're lying on our crisp, white bed sheets
Reminding me how much the world is lucky to have an angel walk among them
Yet, I can't help but feel like I put up a front of being something I'm not.
I am nothing
My heart is stained black.
My thoughts are usually clouded
If i could describe them as a season, it would be fall,
Because they're always causing me to breakdown Into pieces
I am soiled with pure hate.
The rage fills me and all the love dissolves
If the world hasn't worked you into roughness, maybe my soul will
I think it would be better for you to leave.
But maybe you see the potential of what I can become,
Gentle, soft
Adoring
Something so much more, than I already am
My eyes follow yours and we lose ourselves in the moment, putting aside all of our do's and don't's,
Forgetting that love never plays fair,
And soon, one of us is bound to get hurt.

Have you ever been forced into a situation where all you feel is,
a rope slowly latching onto your throat and strangling you,
Allowing all the air to escape your lungs?
Have you ever wanted to run away?
Not figuratively speaking,
Literally.
Running away and leaving everything you've ever known.
Leaving all the comfort you've placed yourself in;
A box filled with flowers that fill the air with jasmine and lilac.
Running away from every person that has ever caused you pain,
That has ever caused a scar on your body or mind
Have you ever wanted life to steal your breath away and leave you for dead?
Because I have.
I've never wanted anything more than to just leave.
I want to leave my mind and my body,
I want to escape all that I know because everything feels ten times harder and I feel a hundred times weaker.
The bones in my body can't hold me up straight, the joints won't handle the effort.
I am so done allowing hope to pull me from the black hole that feeds off me.
I am done.  
Life can **** the blood out of me.
I quit.

I'm floating and I'm free
In my attic between the stars
Watching the universe,
The mesmerising universe,
Moving slowly, and alone
Like me.

I am alone, hope has left me
He stepped on the flame that kept me warm
After he'd thought my love was light
Light to his darkness

Why am I alone ?

Maybe I gave too much
Maybe he wanted more
Maybe I loved too hard
Maybe he never knew enough

Now I wonder

If love calls after him
If he realizes it's mine
If its my name that moves him
If the guilt washes over his peace

Is it love I feel for him,
Or the need to be held at night ?
Was it love he felt for me,
Or a charm seeing me lit so bright ?

But I am not him
It's why I am a lonely one
My heart the lavish ocean
My soul the opulent sky

So, floating and free
And I've given you a key
To my attic between the stars
Come watch the Universe,
The mesmerising universe,
As it moves slowly, but not alone
It's got us now

Tonight, I thought of all the words lost on me
Like my favorite necklaces misplaced; my hands reaching for my neck, unable to feel them.
Tonight, I missed my favorite person, who continues to rest among the clouds
Tonight, I realized that friendships end and goodbyes are inevitable
Tonight, I wrote. I wrote and wrote
I wrote so much
All I wanted to do was puke my insides out because nothing I wrote sounded like myself
Tonight, I wept because I forgot who I was

Often times it seems like I’ve connected the dots and became what everyone wanted me to be, keeping the child within me locked in a dark room, with no windows to allow the light through.
At times, it seems, I’ve diminished my wants and needs because it was all, ‘too much’
It felt safer to stitch my lips shut, because voicing anything sounded like a cry for help and I never wanted to depend on anyone who may one day leave me,
Who may one day abandon me.

Tonight, I’ve come to terms with It being so much harder trying to put together pieces I never knew were broken
At times, I feel so insignificant, a speck, compared to the universe and it hits me how regardless of all I feel, regardless of how minor my emotions may be to the wonder that is, Outer Space,
I matter.
I matter. I matter. I matter.
I ******* matter.
All the feelings that rush through me,
The rage, the absence, the happiness, the love & lust that pulses through my veins,
It all matters.
It all ******* matters and the world may have never been the same,
Without me.

Things I want to come home to after a long day at work:

Arms that hold and remind me that exhaustion is only temporary

Soul food, to stop the starvation that eats at my insides and reminds me I am too skinny to miss a meal

A comfortable bed that envelopes and introduces me to a world of dreams, where anything is possible,
Including leaving all that I've ever known and becoming someone entirely different

A good book that helps me escape reality with characters that feel more like family, than my actual real ones

Coffee. (Enough said)

A view that speaks to me about how the world is a beautiful place if only we stop and appreciate it

Myself, in the comfort of my own privacy. Free to let loose all the crazy that has been shoved down due to the fear of being judged

Since I had to lock her at home, away from the world, making sure no one saw my heart or any sign of emotion for fear that they'd take advantage of the sensitivity that is, Myself.
I'd like to come home to myself and let her know that it'll all be okay

Dear death,
I am a waste.
I am a waste of space, of air, of life.
I am a waste.
I am wasting away in this darkness of memories that I can’t seem to let go.
I am a waste.
How do I rid myself of pain that strings along the chords of my heart,
Playing it as if an instrument.
How do people make sense of the waste?
How do they learn to appreciate how their mind was meddled with and how their heart gave and gave only to be unappreciated?
I am a waste,
And I still cannot figure out how to make something out of nothing
I am still figuring out who I want to be and where I want to go and all I can seem to think of is you.
Death,
What do you do to people who are wasting away?
Do you **** the breath out of their lungs leaving them to slowly decay and turn to dust?
Or do you hug them tight and tell them everything will be okay even though all you’ll leave behind is a mess?
Death,
I can’t put my pieces back together again.
Sometimes it’s hard getting out of bed and I call you,
Yet you never pick up.
Sometimes I long to jump off of bridges and land into the arms of comfort...yet I never have the courage
Because giving myself to you or to life means commitment and I’ve never known anyone to be committed to me.
Sometimes the waste pulls me in and I drown in a sea of my mistakes; the ones people constantly remind me of, and it seems easier to let the water fill my lungs and sink than fight against the tides.

I am a waste,
Yet I’m still figuring out how to be more.
How to evolve and progress and become
To simply become something more
To want more
To experience and live more
To have said a waste but I certainly am not.
I have been put on this earth for a purpose, and I’m on an adventure of figuring out what my reason is.

Dear Malak
Hi
This is a bit unsettling since the last time I saw you, was in the bathroom mirror; hair pulled up into a ponytail and you had a spark in your eye diminishing by the second.
I wanted to ask you what it felt like to lose; life, sense, sight.
I think you’ve lost a lot and yet you are still a wanderer unaware of the chaos that looms before you.
Explain to me the wounds that mark your skin and tell me about all the excuses you’ve placed for those who’ve abused you one way or another; may it be abusing it directly - strategically placing their knife through your spinal cord -  or taking you for granted since you oozed forgiveness until you walked away and thought the only way out, was through solitary.
You pushed away. You pushed away your worries and the blame, the hurt and ache, you pushed away the closest to you because it was easier to cave in than allow them to see the weakness that has made a home within your body, and that may not be a mistake but I begged you to knock on doors whenever you felt like losing yourself in a world or two or a universe and another.
I wanted you to bloom and not decay.
I wanted to to be and not
Explain to me how easy it is for the thoughts to create a beast that eats your insides and leaves your skin, a costume to be worn by the shadows that loom in you.
Tell me how your sadness sways with you
Tell me how you can’t find peace when peace surrounds you and how you latch on to the anger when it’s devoid of everything around you.
Help me understand the issues that pile up one after the other
I know it’s not easy explaining but I don’t mind if you wrote it in Morse code or painted it onto a blank canvas.
But talk to me.
Help me understand your wants and needs because it’s become harder voicing out your worries when all you hear is noise.
This has become as hard as yelling out for help as you hang off the edge of a cliff and I’m so afraid that at any moment you just might let go.
How are you?
I hope you’re doing fine.
I hope the thoughts ease up and your worries evaporate like rain
I hope the pain that grips your stomach ceases to exist because seeing you lose your appetite in anything that keeps you alive has caught my attention, and I don’t think happiness emerges from a place where all there is,
Is a lost girl wandering through an empty forest, and all she’s waiting for, is a monster ready to rip her to shreds.

I've always longed to be a poem that moved people.
I've always wanted to be an art piece constructed of rhymes and metaphors.
I've always wanted to be something beautiful, yet I thought I lost that when I lost you.
I didn't know that beauty lied within me
Whenever you looked my way, your eyes seemed to glisten, and I thought that was beauty  
I thought beauty was all the words you've ever told me.
I thought beauty was embedded into promises of forevers that were always reassured with always
I didn't know that beauty was found in my eyes whenever I looked your way
Or in the countless letters I've written to you
Or the words I promised to only you,  
I didn't know that beauty was my heart and how It gave and gave, only to be unappreciated
Do not mistake my confidence for arrogance, for even that, is a form of beauty.
I didn't realize I was beauty, until I wallowed in my broken
My pieces were also a form of beauty that I learned to appreciate and love, scars and all
And so I loved myself back to whole again,
And I saw beauty, in everything
Mostly myself
In the little cracks of my heart
In my mind

And I may owe all of that to you

Dear Self,
It's a lot lonelier at night.
It's a nightmare ready to unfold and I'm gripping my bed sheets hoping I don't wake up in yet another cold sweat.
The void in my chest seems to grow as I look for something that makes sense.
The words used to hold me as I wept and now,
They stand at arms length and allow me to hold myself.
They watch as the tears fall across my cheeks and they question how much sadness can a person hold.
How much sadness until all you feel is nothing, but hollowness.
Hollowness that resembles a field of grass burned to ash.

Dear soul,
I think I can hear you cracking.
I'm not used to addressing you in these, but I owe you an apology for everything I've put you through.
Little did I know, through every heartbreak, you cracked a little more.
I was hurting you in the process of healing myself.
The more I tried stitching myself through people's love, the more you yelled out in anger because no one fully understood what and how you felt.
I think the best way to describe it is,
You were drowning slowly; as water filled your lungs & fire burned your skin to char.
I think I've given up.
Honestly, truly, it feels like hope left me stranded in an airport and I don't know who or where to yell, to ask her to come back for me.
Hope gave up on me...when I still haven't.
I think he really did a number on me.
I think, whoever comes next, if he does, is going to have a wall higher than any I've ever built before
I've named the concrete after all that I feel; some bricks mark hate, some mark love, anger, fury, sadness, avalanche, hurricane, thunder, depression, hurt, save me...
I've lost myself in my emotions so much that I've forgotten what it feels like to be happy
He, came up whenever I felt it.
The thought of him always crept through my mind at the thought of happiness, as if I were climbing a cliff or mountain; as soon as I reached the top I couldn't help but stare at the beautiful scene before me, proud; admiring how life brought me here
But now,
He crept onto my thoughts with sadness...
Him and sadness walk hand in hand as if betraying my trust was nothing more than a small bump on the road
Soul,
I'm sorry if I fall to my knees unaware, unsure of how to band your bruises
I haven't given up on you, and maybe not on Love,
I can't give up on love..
I may have given up on him.
Yet you don't understand how,
I've never felt so alive as I do with him.
The world makes sense, if for a little period of time, with him
The stars, they all remind me of him and his eyes and I can't help but lose my sanity looking into them .
Soul, please somehow regain hope.
Knock on her door and ask her nicely to help you, slowly
To show you what it's like to walk through the fire without so much as a hole becoming of you
Soul,
I've wondered what it felt like to never have to depend on anyone,
I guess this is what it feels like;
Complete and utter ****

I met a boy in a man’s body.
I saw sadness in his eyes and experiences wrapped around him.
He marked his skin as a reminder that no matter where he wanders, he is still in search of home
At times, when his eyes met mine, I felt like he could see right through me.
Maybe, no matter how many times his eyes met mine, he couldn’t tell what my mind wanted and what my heart needed.

I met a boy in a man’s body.
I felt like maybe, just maybe, he could save me.

I met a boy in a man’s body.
He wanted affection and love wrapped with a pretty bow, but I was nothing but disheveled gift paper.

I met a boy in a man’s body.
He captured women in timeless frames and their beauty transcended, translated into eternal flawlessness.

I met a boy in a man’s body,
But he didn’t let me in.
He opened the door just wide enough for me to look in.
I am not aware of the ghosts that haunt him in his sleep, nor the ones that keep him up at night.
I’m hoping he introduces us one day.

I met a boy in a man’s body.
He had a kind face & strong arms,
Capable of holding me together when I break, when I won’t seem to mend.

I met a boy in a man’s body.
He met me, a girl, in a hollow one.
We shared a few worries & sorrows that made us into who we are today.
They parted ways, unaware if they were to ever meet again.

How do you tell a person who is so used to being left, that they are blessed with the ability to love in full capacity?
How do I tell myself that I am so much more than my thoughts?
You see, my mind is a waiting room. And it starts out as follows,
I am seated against a wall watching the door as it opens, one person at a time entering and taking a seat. Slowly the room begins to crowd and they’re all talking over each other and it’s so hard trying to figure out who is saying what and for what reason because it quickly shifts into a fight and the noise just becomes deafening and I want it to end. I want it to end so badly but I’m a coward and I can’t seem to stop the thoughts from tearing me apart. I’m a paper airplane and the pouring rain drowns me. And no one can tell how this sadness is tearing me apart. No one can see how I’m in constant pain, no one knows that I’m unable to fall asleep but to the sound of her voice and I’m drowning and I don’t think anyone’s capable of savings me.
Just leave.
I get it.
Don’t explain.
I’ll save myself if I don’t take it first.

Dear The One,
I haven't received a text from you in a while now.
How've you been?
I've been good.
Your memories don't knock on my door often.
They just breeze in from time to time.
My heart doesn't break at the call of your name.
I'm fine,
This time I mean it.
But,
It always seems like there are words lost in between us,
Waiting to be unleashed,
To be written into letters.
See, there's always that voice within me begging to ask how you're doing,
And it's not out of loneliness,
Even though loneliness knocks at my doors every night, demanding to keep me company.
Regardless of the void you've previously left,
I still care for you.
Love,
Isn't something easy to dispose of.
I still carry so much of it within the cracks of my chest,
I just stopped showcasing it to every passerby, asking if they know how to mend me.
I don't know what the aim of this letter is but,
I know it's to remind you that I am still present.
I'm still here, wandering through lonely streets, staring at bright stars and night skies, wondering when and where I'm going to gain some sense of stability and form of happiness.
I just hope you received that when you walked all over my broken pieces, unaware that it was going to take too long to put all you've wrecked together again.

Write back to me,
Even if it's just a few words about how life makes sense,
Without my presence.

Yours truly,
Angel

The words seem foreign in my mouth,
My tongue unable to distinguish the taste
I've been meaning to write to you, to update about all darkness that is beginning to settle within me.
My mind has returned to a maze. One that seams unsolvable.
I'd ask you for a way out but I know that these solutions are never served on a platter.
I'm afraid that sooner or later, the darkness will eat me whole, and nothing will be left of me, not even the words that I've been dying to say
I'm disappointed to say, that I'm unsure as to whether the words can form a sentence worth moving you or him or her.
It's sad to see that another love was left to burn out, it's fire once a sun, has now dimmed into nothing but a speck of ash or dust.
Until next time,
When words can form something..more

Dear world,
Sometimes the words choose to lace their fingers onto my throat and strangle me for my very being of expression or existence
But I have nothing to say.
The world has broken me so very much,
That sulking into the depths of the earth does not sound like such a bad idea
I grip my pen, like I grip onto my life,
But my hands are sweaty and giving up doesn't seem like such a bad idea,
The only problem being that I'm hopeful and letting go isn't something my heart
Takes light

I've written far too many endings to have any decent beginnings.
The flowers I've planted died,
The petals falling onto the soil, slowly decaying.
Why is it that life resembles death,
Whenever my fingers skim the edges?
There's this need to create and contain,
To possess and obsess,
To protect,
And yet still,
The hurt remains, gaping
Eating me alive.
Biting and nibbling at those that I love.
Life, never expects you to live with a smile plastered onto your face.
It never guarantees you an easy access.
There are no manuals on, 'how to live a good life',
Just a sign posted at the start line saying,
Try.
You try to live a good life,
Through the heartaches,
Through the happiness.
You try and try, no matter how many times you fall onto your knees, resulting in bruises or broken bones,
You stand up and make way for the experiences to shift and transform you into who you're meant to be.
No matter how many endings I've written,
The beginnings seem far worse,
Because maybe,
Just maybe,
It's the first step into leading and living a good life,
And I so desperately,
Do NOT want to butcher that,
Leaving reminants of blood smothered on the floor I call,
My
Life

Dear Brother,
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I forgot to write you letters, to call out your name,
I’m sorry I forgot to whisper my worries to you and remind you that you’re still here,
I’m sorry I forgot what you sound like,
I’m sorry I forgot.
There’s this gaping hole in my chest and I’m still trying to figure out how to fill it with something other than the I hate I have for the world.
I’m sorry.
I realize that nothing I say can fix the brokenness, but I’m glad you’re up high.
You’re soaring through the sky, currently watching me cry,
And I wonder what it feels like to not have a care in the world.
I bet it’s relaxing.
You always had such anger burning through you and I’m sorry that I couldn’t understand it better but I’m trying to,
I swear I am.
The other day, I saw Osama in your eyes and I swear I nearly called out your name thinking you hid inside his mind.
I think the world is punishing me for trying to avoid thinking about your death.
It hurts.
It all hurts so much.
The tears and heartbreak of,
Not being able to hear your voice or go up to you and ask you to fix my mistakes or guide me, at least.
It hurts not seeing you often or seeing you at all,
It hurts seeing everyone ache silently over you.
I wanted to save you but I could barely save myself and I lost you.
The accident caused a riptide within me and now everything has shifted so drastically that non of my pieces fit back together again.
I’m sorry, Brother,
For being the way I am...
All I ever wanted was to make you proud,
All I ever wanted was for death to exchange you with me;
To grant you one more chance at life, while taking mine away.
I’m sorry it didn’t work
I’m sorry

Dear The One,
Your fingers are still latched onto my heart
And I'd like to know why?
Why is it that I am unable to get rid of your voice and your eyes and all the memories that accompany you, out of my head?
Do you know how much it still hurts?
It hurts less, yes
But it still hurts to think about you or about who is taking up your time and why it's not me, why am I not her
What makes me so insufficient and so unbearable?
I've given you love in the form of a mind and body ready to offer you a lifetime of happiness and yet still,
I was disposed
As if I was nothing but trash
I'm here to tell you that I'm so through crying over you
The words no longer linger in my mind
They no longer dance on my tongue
They no longer exist
You have ruined whatever poem I was becoming into
And I am so **** tired of being the broken-hearted girl, unable to move on from a guy who is unable to love her FULLY
I am So much to deal with because I have so much to give and not the right person to give it to.
I am so ******* special and it's such a shame that you were too blind to see that in the midst of stone, I was a diamond shining so bright.

Maybe some people aren’t destined to find love
no matter how many times you knock the door, the House remains abandoned and nothing ever fills your chest,
at some point, your ribs cave in and you suffocate on your own blood
A tragic death
Maybe no matter how many times you sell your body, hoping someone will make love to your remains, it is still never enough
Maybe the conversations filled with laughter and dreams, remain just that; empty echoes of a forever lost in space & time
Maybe no matter how many people wrap their arms around you, you’re still fragile, you’re still a feather floating along the wind hoping someone would turn you to something more;
Something meaningful.
Maybe no matter how many times you cross paths, you’ll always remain strangers, meeting through parallel universes and it’s always the wrong time or the wrong place or the wrong something but never the right anything
Maybe some people aren’t destined to find love
To be love
To be in love
To feel love
They’re destined to drown in love
To suffer in love
To love but not be loved
To die of love because no one was capable of holding such vast amounts of love
Maybe some people are lonely
Maybe it’s me.
It’s always been me.

I wish I could save you
And not with words
See, I know that Darkness, like quicksand, swallows you whole. The minute you step into it, you fight against it and slowly but surely,
You start sinking into the overwhelming pit.
I wish I could save you
Yet you have to fight your own battles,
And I'm guessing this is why it's so hard to stand by and watch you.
Life has me ******* into a chair and I'm watching as it tortures you by throwing everything Evil that the world Embodies.
Yet I can't save you.
Not now.

I wish my words could save you.
I wish caring saved
I wish love saved
I wish my hands could save
You're so close yet, so far
But the darkness will surely consume you,
And there's nothing that I can do but Hope that the world doesn't corrupt another pure soul tinted with some darkness.
Light and Dark walk hand in hand.
I wish I could save you, but
My voice has no power compared to the void that grows within you.
I'll wait until the world's done meddling with you, like it did with me,
And after, I'll make sure to hold you as you curse the darkness out,
Letting it know that it's never welcomed back.

If I grabbed you by the arms and yelled into your ear, about all the pain that swims in my veins, would you hold me close as I fall to the ground realizing I am not as strong as I think I am, or would you watch me dissolve until I become nothing, but air?
Would you count the scars that mark my body or would you help implicate them?
Would you wrap your gentle hands around my heart and stop the bleeding or would you suffocate it like you did my love?
Would you cry me a river or would you swim in my tears?
Would you sing along to every song we’ve ever loved or would you kiss every person your eyes laid on, hoping to forget what I tasted like?
Would you let me build up my walls, because I can’t bear to have you stab my chest or would you tear them down just to watch me grovel?
Would you or not, rather I bloom than diminish and decay, like a rose on a spring, sunny day?
Would you hold me, just for the night, because I can’t seem to let go of the memories that haunt me in your presence

Dear Luke,
You have become lukewarm, almost unresponsive.
I would ask you to leave but I'm afraid you're no longer wanted, elsewhere.
Your presence has become indifferent.
You have caused a feeling of emptiness that dances within me on lonely nights.
You have caused a shift between wanting the world and wanting nothing to do with it.  
You have caused riptides in the sea found inside of me,
I am afraid I'll soon flood and later,
I will be void,
No matter how many people approach me with You filling their insides, I'll kindly, gently, passionately push them away and ask them to never come back again.
I ask you to rip whatever voice that screams and calls for you in the middle of the night.
I am so sick of wanting some form of you.
I'd like to imagine that someday my significant other and I,
Would have you brimming within us and reminding us of the good that is still found on earth, yet for now,
I want to forget you.
I want to be so numb that even your flames burning my skin,
Cannot cause me to blink in fear, disgust, and pain.
Please leave.
Leave and don't come back because I am so tired of mending wounds that are far too big for any of the bandaids I possess.

Hate,
Angel.

Dear Moon,
Writing to you has to be one of the most painful things I’ve talked myself into doing.
My days consist of thoughts revolving around everything I’ve wanted to yell out to you;
All the angst and pent up hurt that still shadows me to this day, some of which are:
I hate you
I hate that I trusted you
I hate that I opened up
I hate that I gave you more of me than I did anyone else
Love,
Was always something I saw as beauty with flowers and Spring, Summer day’s
But now all I seem to see is anger;
Cold, winter nights and old, creaked abandoned houses.
I had never wanted to rip my heart out, as much as I do right now,
Because even if all I feel is the emptiness, the remnants of your love still lingers,
And I still see traces of you in everything my mind conjures.
Your shirt still lays in my closet and it has taken all of my willpower not to rip it to shreds,
But it has also taken everything in me,
Not to put it on and cry myself to sleep.
The last time my eyes met yours,
I knew it would be the last.
A part of me believes that the universe speaks to me whenever someone is about to leave me,
And I think the accident was the reassurance I needed to let you go.
Our love started with such a passion that at some point we burned the world unaware of the scars that currently mark our skin.
No matter how many times I vowed to let you go, a part of me always ran back to you, tugged at your shirt and looked you in the eyes, hoping you’d take me back, broken and too fragile to care for myself.
No matter how many times I tried ignoring the thoughts that warned me to quit you, put my walls up, and shield myself, I still never listened
And here I am,
all i’m left with are a couple of love songs, but not enough love
All I’m left with, is a broken soul,
Only encapsulating numbness as if a guest at a hotel, occupying a vacant room.

What pains me most is,
You once looked at me as if I were an art piece adorning the walls of a gallery,
Yet now,
Your eyes barely wash over me, as if I have become nonexistent, irrelevant

It is time I take back the power I so humbly gave to you, by calling you the Moon to my night sky
You do not lighten up the darkest parts of me anymore, you create mazes where I fall farther into darker holes.
Thank you for all the broken words you showered me with
I have learned not to dedicate my words to people
No one deserves the pretty words I construct into sentences, paragraphs, or even poems.

To A love I thought was Always, but turned out to be within numbered days,

-Angel

Maybe I’m cracked
But not broken
My edges may be sharp
But I try to warn them not to get too close
Sometimes I stutter and mutter all the things I have to say
They’re a pile of jumbled words and I find it hard to arrange them in any order that You would benefit from
Sometimes I fall
I shatter
And I don’t make any sound
But my heart calls out for you and in the darkness
I wish upon stars
That you would hold me as i let go of everything I keep locked inside of me
Sometimes it’s hard to make sense of all the nonsense
Sometimes pieces of me are lost within the chaos and I look for myself in people
But I’m missing
And the world is haunting me, triggering me, aiming arrows at me,
Waiting to pin me down into the depths of the earth
Sometimes I’m nothing
Sometimes the void within me grows and it promises that someday it’ll swallow me whole and I beg it
Each and every night
To do so
Sometimes I wander through empty houses thinking they’re a home I belong to
Sometimes the hurt begs to love me
And I let it
I let it kiss my scars
I let it hold me as I weep my losses
I let it comfort me because no one has ever made me feel safe enough to lose myself in
I let it remind me that it’s okay to let go every once in a while
It’s okay not to be okay
It’s okay to lose control
To cry
To fall
To break
To hate and love
It’s okay to just be

Dear Nial,
Your claws sank into my sink and for a minute,
I experienced pain in the form of sharp needles piercing my insides,
And then,
Blank.

I felt nothing.
The world was burning to the ground and I stood there watching.
I couldn't move my feet, regardless of the weightlessness.
For the first time in a long time, my heart didn't trip over itself and make a run for the nearest exit.
It just stood there, pounding,
Waiting for me to make a move.
And I didn't.
I allowed the world to go by, to poor gasoline all over itself,
And set the fires into flames.
I could care less whether they reached out and turned me to ashes or if I was the only one to make it out alive.
I just didn't care.
I wanted to separate myself from the world because,
The world did everything it possibly could to drown you and I wasn't willing to die like that.
I wanted to move yet everyone and everything kept placing me back into a pit of suffocation and anguish.
I wanted out,
And if it was with me standing still watching as death claimed the souls of everyone around me,
Then so be it.
At least,
All I'll feel is nothing,
Empty,
Hollow,
Void.


Yours truly,
Angel

I painted my wrists black and blue hoping the colors indicated the underlying emotions locked up in 4 chambers spewing blood and oxygen throughout my body  
The dotted lines told a story of so much loss, you wouldn’t believe it unless you were there.
Sometimes the blade found its way, creating an opening with rich, wine-like blood oozing from a scratch and sometimes I had a hard time holding back but I always did because I never want to exist in a world that does not contain you.
Sometimes my insides burn up and I don’t know how to extinguish the flames that eat me alive, leaving nothing but char.
Sometimes the flowers growing around my lungs threaten to suffocate me and I can’t help but continue to water them because I don’t want anything else to wither and decay.
Sometimes your words drip like honey and I allow my tongue to lick every letter because I am head over heels for the sweetness that is you.
Sometimes my legs walk me to the finish line but my thoughts take me back to the starting point because nothing ever makes sense and there are multiple of options for why something might be the way it is, and all I want is for you to hold me.
Sometimes I’m feeling blue and black, while other times I’m the rest of the colors imbedded in a rainbow. I blow in full force blurring the lines between fantasy and reality, making you wish that I remain a sustainable part of your life.
I painted my wrists black and blue and reminded myself that my worst nightmares are nothing but that; nightmares.
I am the stars and I’m a field of roses swaying with the wind and I might flow against your sea but I’m asking you to caress my petals and be cautious of my thorns; as sharp and pure as I look, poison still seeps beneath my smooth, marked skin, and I am not aware of the damages my broken heart might ever create.

Dear Chaos,
Hi.
I don't know how to start this because I'm sure this is going downhill from here,
But how are you?
I'm...coping.
There's this whirlwind going inside of my mind and All my insides are compelled on coming up,
Any minute now.
I'd ask if you'd lend me a hand but I know that whatever you touch, you're pledged to burn.
Sometimes I feel like that;
Anything my fingers come across,
The contents become ash
A figment of my imagination,
No longer present.
How is it that you're so used to the damage you create?
No matter how many times I ruin something,
This ache within me grows.
There's a hole in the center of my chest.
I think the void will swell and someday,
I'll disappear.
Chaos,
Why does it always seem like loneliness hangs onto me?
This weight that presses into my lungs makes it hard to breathe.
I lie there in my half filled bath tub and think about how it would be to drift through space.
There's this immense silence that I wish my mind would contain but I'm guessing it's used to the endless talks and gibbering of nonesense.
Chaos,
There's so much hurt...
Why can't you leave me alone?
Why can't something else clutch onto me and love me
Why does it have to be you?
Am I supposed to appreciate that I get loved by you, even though I slowly lose myself in this maze you've created inside my head?
Chaos...write me back.
Help me understand.
Yours truly,
Angel.

It’s 6 am and it still feels like a dream.
You stir next to me and I have to hold myself back for I’m pulling you closer and devouring every inch of you. Sometimes God takes one thing and offers you a whole lot more, and thankfully, I got that with you.
I turn to my side and gaze at your still body; chest rising and falling; peacefulness in human form.
My fingertips caress your skin and my lips trace their way to your neck, chest... you stir a bit more and I hold myself back. Your eyes open up and stare in surprise. You close your eyes and I count to ten. We’re both so afraid of waking up to different realities and we don’t want to pretend, so we take a few seconds to make sure this is real, all of it, you and me, the bed, the sheets.
1,2,3
It’s not a dream
4,5,6
You’re real
7,8,9
I’m lost in your eyes
10
Whatever self control I was tying to gain disappears and we’re tangled in the sheets, so afraid the spell breaks, we practically lose sight, of all that was once real, and for all that has yet to come.

You go back to sleep and I write this piece, hoping that when one day, very far from now, we part ways, I can read these and cherish the way, you made me feel when all I wanted was to evaporate.

You weren’t supposed to leave me when I needed you the most
My heart bleeding onto the concrete floor, next to that bashed up car and my traumatized thoughts
You weren’t supposed to etch your name into my heart, but you did so anyway
All that’s left is a scar, the platelets unable to clot the pain away
Most nights, I’m stuck in one of my nightmares
They all start with me calling out your name and end with you walking out the door
You weren’t supposed to ask for my heart if you weren’t worthy of its’ keep
But ****, I guess we all ask for things that seem so far out of our reach
I’ve written so much of you
I’ve called the Moon after you,
You have almost become a figment of my imagination, your being almost unobtainable
I’ve built you up so perfectly, no flaw, no imperfection,
And that is the cost of a heart that loves unconditional(ly)
We dive into the ocean, swim deep into the blue, wide eyes at the beauty, no more breaths, we begin to heave,
Our lungs slowly suffocating,
The air, they no longer keep
We drown to save our art, make sure it survives
You were my muse, my everlasting glow
I saw galaxies in your eyes, even though I had multiple of universes in my own
It was simple really,
All I’ve ever wanted was for someone to hold me tight, kiss me when I’m doubtful, say a couple of words to make things right
Act on the pretty verses that laced that pink tongue,
Mean what you say, don’t parade around a handful of indirect lies
See, I have had my heart broken a couple of times.
I have given my being, without batting my eyes
It is time I invested in myself, in order not to falter on broken promises
I have treated carefully through the pieces remaining of my heart,
But I think it’s time I made amends with the parts of me that loved me enough,
That helped me stand up and pull myself out of my slump.
I am more than those who have claimed to ‘love’ me
I am a form of Love,
Maybe one, still in disguise

Uncertainty,
An unstable platform,
Reminding you that your feet are never grounded into the floor.
We approach the things we want with doubt festering in our minds,
We have seen so much,
Go oh, so wrong,
And yet, here we are.
If we're bound to make mistakes,
Dig up our own graves,
Why are we so afraid to approach it?
Why do we approach the end with shaky feet and sweaty palms?
We're headed that way,
Shouldn't we at least walk confidently in order to make the process less chaotic?
Shouldn't we try to make every experience we're dealt with, one where lessons are handed to us in envelopes,
Laced with hopes of the bad becoming good and the good becoming better?
Life, has never been about crossing the finish line,
Unharmed.
It's about making the most of what you're dealt with.
You stumble through the dirt to become something so strong and wise and you use that to feed and maybe someday,
Get rid of the doubt that once plagued your very being.
When you walk onto uncertainty,
Make sure you're aware that that platform,
Being unbalanced,
Will help you become more you than any steady ground.
You walk confidently on the shaky ground until you fall,
You then get right back up and try again.
Failure does not mean it's the end of the world,
But allowing doubt to destroy you from within,
Is.

She is a fire breathing dragon, ready to devour those who have done her wrong
She is a volcanic eruption of repressed anger
She is an earthquake, a tornado
She will surely turn the walls of your heart into nothing but powder
She is a soft flower, with petals made of pigment, she sways with the wind
She is a solar system, a universe with galaxies in her eyes that glisten whenever she talks about something she's passionate about
She is a figment of your imagination because her beauty is one that does not resemble anything on this planet we call Earth
Her beauty is one laced with creativity, an essence of intelligence, and a strong desire mangled by her stubbornness.
She moves mountains through the flick of her fingertips
She's an ocean capable of sinking ships
She's so much more than the appearance of a weak little girl, lost in a big bad world

She sways with the wind and loses herself to the twinkling of the stars
She hasn't felt freedom intertwine itself with her, in a very long time
She speaks of love, the inhabitants, now ghosts, have made homes in the cracks of her chest  
And she heaves,
Regardless of the attempts she's made of trying to sew back the pieces of her broken heart
Her friends are the sun and the moon and the sky is where she one day hopes to lie
Safe and sound
Whole

The steps I take away from you seem deeper than the shallow ones towards you.
I’ve almost lost my senses as I resided beside you, becoming one with the chair
Controlled and made to feel a certain type of way only to be neglected whenever my use was no longer needed
Disposable
I was always disposable
And what does that say of the way I love?
That it is not an ocean that hugs its shores, but one that chews and spits out remnants
I can’t seem to recall the memories of when I was anything, but broken
I have melded into the shards and at time’s, when I move, they stab and wound me from inside out.
My skin has been marked by red patches and in some artistic, poetic way, you may say that these patches are the marks of a warrior, but I say they’re marks of a fighter who longer has enough fight in her
If I decide to give up, would they all yell out in objection,
Or help me get there faster?

To the stars that listen and hold me close when I am on the brink of losing my sanity;
When the world stands before me,
Holding a gun towards my temple
To the stars that listen and keep me company on days where loneliness and I have shared a bed and the darkness inside of me grows, consuming all the color I once saw
To the stars that twinkle in response, as the tears stream my cheeks, reminding me that beauty is never something you can keep
To the stars that have made better friends  than people,
Thank you for holding me
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for pressing love into me,
When I felt hate gripping and burning at the insides of my chest
Thank you for reminding me who I really am
Thank you for being distant and understanding
But also,
Thank you for always being there for me when it felt like nobody really was

Love,
Angel

Dear The One,
It's been a while since I've written one of these...
How do they go again...?
I hope you're doing fine,
I am, or at least, I think I am
See the conversations that take place between us, going back and forth, day in and day out, haven't added anything to my life.
All it feels like is us dragging our goodbye for one more day
For one more week
For one more month
When do I get to say goodbye and assure myself that I won't be getting anything from you anymore?
I don't know if I'm dreading that or if I'm going to finally feel relieved
See, you've said that time is finally on our side,
But I'm still standing at the sidewalk with my arms outstretched palms open, begging for you
I don't believe I love you as much as I used to
If love is a choice then I do not wish to choose it
At least not with you
I don't think love is about waiting around for someone to finally notice me
You either do or you don't and anything in between is a waste of my precious ******* time
So get your **** together and figure out what you want
Cause whatever time I've dedicated to you, I'm bound to take back.
I'm not going to cast a second glance your way, and maybe then,
You'll regret the decision you've made

Most of my thoughts at night drift from:
I am so much more than the entire universe combined
I am the Universe, the stars within the galaxies
I am the solar system, as a whole
I am the planets lost within the empty void,
Hoping to avoid a collision, yet still wishing for it
To create a nebula.
I am nothing but the air you breathe,
Needing both oxygen to give you life,
And carbon to **** the life out of your heaving lungs.
I am the moon and the sun.
I shine light on your darkest days and I make sure to trap you in the darkest of worlds as I dim your entire existence.
I am the blue sky and dark, black one
I am the plants that sway left and right,
Bringing color onto your blank canvas.
I am the butterfly, that was once a caterpillar:
I was once a questionable being but I bloomed into this thing of beauty that has everyone gaping.
I am the dream you have late at night but also,
The nightmare that startles you from your sleep

But the thoughts begin to consume me and I believe that I,
I am nothing
I am a waste of space  
And it's a struggle to try and figure out how that could be when in some sort of way,
The world needs me for stablility.

A bright blue sky washes over me and I forget,
Whatever pain I felt is only temporary.
It clings onto me for most of my night and remembers to punish me for everything I ever did right, for the wrong people.
My heart beats, races and I think finally, this is the day I leave earth and soar through the stars.
Maybe he could wish on me and realize I'm nothing, but dead.
Waking up in a tangled mess of hands and bed sheets, I'm reminded that my heart still feels alone and that no one can hold me as I break, piece by piece.
Self love is beautiful, but why does my want for someone to share it with, have to be so difficult?
Sometimes my love feels more like a burden than a blessing.
I have so much that my heart may burst out of its ***** and leave my body limp and blue.
A bright blue sky washed over me and I can't help but feel like the dark night has resided in me.
It has made a home within me and it refuses to leave because finally, It has something to cling on to that resembles comfort.
My chest is heavy and the bright blue sky dissolves into my worst nightmares.
I no longer feel the darkness, just blue.
This sadness drags me onto my feet, pretends to be me, and continues to address the darkness within me, as if a long-term partner.
Happiness is no longer festering within me.
I feel so much blue that my eyes beg for recognition.
No longer a soul projecting happiness, just one that pretends, hoping that someday, she gets what she deserves.