Dear Brother,
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I forgot to write you letters, to call out your name,
I’m sorry I forgot to whisper my worries to you and remind you that you’re still here,
I’m sorry I forgot what you sound like,
I’m sorry I forgot.
There’s this gaping hole in my chest and I’m still trying to figure out how to fill it with something other than the I hate I have for the world.
I’m sorry.
I realize that nothing I say can fix the brokenness, but I’m glad you’re up high.
You’re soaring through the sky, currently watching me cry,
And I wonder what it feels like to not have a care in the world.
I bet it’s relaxing.
You always had such anger burning through you and I’m sorry that I couldn’t understand it better but I’m trying to,
I swear I am.
The other day, I saw Osama in your eyes and I swear I nearly called out your name thinking you hid inside his mind.
I think the world is punishing me for trying to avoid thinking about your death.
It hurts.
It all hurts so much.
The tears and heartbreak of,
Not being able to hear your voice or go up to you and ask you to fix my mistakes or guide me, at least.
It hurts not seeing you often or seeing you at all,
It hurts seeing everyone ache silently over you.
I wanted to save you but I could barely save myself and I lost you.
The accident caused a riptide within me and now everything has shifted so drastically that non of my pieces fit back together again.
I’m sorry, Brother,
For being the way I am...
All I ever wanted was to make you proud,
All I ever wanted was for death to exchange you with me;
To grant you one more chance at life, while taking mine away.
I’m sorry it didn’t work
I’m sorry