Who will I be today?
How will I feel?
There's one thing I want,
one feeling so real
Yet I won't have it, I'll sit back and yearn
That light I keep grabbing-
I don't really deserve
But I'll think of him-
when I eat ice cream,
stuck to the roof of my mouth
like peanutbutter
When I'm standing alone
in the eyrie of crows,
flashlight in hand without a lover
I'll think of him-
when I make a bold joke, no one else gets it but I know that he'd choke
And that laugh-
I could never forget
My favorite performance prize
that I'll ever get
But I won't.
No, not anymore
Now my days are silent
with with a little more
chaos to my lore

I've been a thousand women
For a handful of men,
Each act greater than the last
But never enough for an encore.

At the end of the night
When I take off my mask,
Ready to be the one they fall for,
It's only emotional baggage left.

So I'll pack it up
And put it away neatly,
In case they ever return,
And I'll yearn
And I'll wish
And I'll dream
For someone to WANT to
Want to be with me

She spent so many nights wiping off smeared make up she won't even put it on anymore

I want something sweet on the tip of my tongue,
a strawberry, some coolwhip, and coconut ***
I need it to send dopamine to my brain,
I want to stop laying here, going insane
Ice cream and syrup and sprinkles could do,
But after it all,
I'm still craving you.

And like a kid clumsily sneaking through the house in the dark,
you awakened all of my senses,
turned on every light of my heart,
making messes all along your path.

These feelings flow out of the corners of my eyes like river rapids and pool all around me. Every time I think I can come up for air I start to drown again. And I'm searching for anything to keep me afloat but all I see is you, and the waves come crashing again.

I knew what I was in for,
you had no ******* clue.
A runner always runs,
and despite everything, that’s what it still came to.

I don’t think you should chase me,
even if secretly,
I like to look back.

You deserve weddings and soft romance,
and I’ve never been able to promise that.
I tried to picture it,
believe me, I really did.
But I always end up becoming the angry man
I feared as a kid.

Maybe you don’t understand this,
and I don’t know how to change.
It’s easier to dress my fear as anger
than to process every trauma I’ve caged.

Familiar but distant
Different yet the same
I can't believe you still have that t-shirt,
What's made you come around again?

I fell in love with our delusions
Promise of love, a home, a life
With no fear of the obstacles or outside intrusion
But that blew up and now I'm stuck
Convincing myself it was all an illusion

Do I go crazy or have I always been here?
Chaos is the comfort, the peace causes panic
None of it makes sense,
Could I be going manic?
I'm craving a quiet mind,
No thoughts, no racing to save the day, But when I find that comfort?
My insides are in complete disarray

Each time you call me dumb
I believe you
a little bit more.
I'm dumb
for loving someone
Who is not capable of
loving me back.

I don't want to be weak,
Can't let you know I need you.
'Cause I've never needed,
Only provided.
And the power you hold?
Keeps my brain and heart divided.

Maybe if I let people in
I wouldn't be so lonely like this
No one to turn to, no where to cry,
I just lay here and fester while the days go slowly by

I really don't have real friends, none that I can talk to everyday
Almost thirty years of people pleasing and they all watch me decay

Sleep isn't restful when I dream of you
I wake up and I'm panicked
But I'll just lay here 'till noon
Never were impressed by my party tricks
But performing's all I ever knew

I thought new hands on my skin
would burn
My skin is healthier than ever

I've shown you all my favorite things,
But you never remember.

I could tell you something yesterday
And you'd act like it had been forever.

It was all real
For a moment
And I was sad
When I woke
But happy to have
Spent an hour with you

I broke my own heart dreaming I could deserve someone as perfect as you are.

Forty three patients, forty three lives, all counting on me under a license thats mine,
There's medicine to pass and treatments to be done, I'm trying to be fast but I am only one,
Her blood pressures low but his blood pressure is high, bed 36 is in so much pain now that they've begun to cry,
I don't mean to be so in and out, I want to take my time and ease your doubts,
a listening ear,
a reassuring touch,
But its hard to manage when corporate doesn't care about patient care so much,
To me you are person, to them you are dollar signs, I want to hear about the life you've lived but if I don't chart we'll be fined,
I'm trying so hard to get everything done, I want to be there for you,
But if I fall behind on this paperwork, they'll just replace me with someone new.
So I'll brush your hair and bring your favorite snack, after I pass all these pills I'll try to come back,
I want to take the time to listen to you
While I can't chat for 45 minutes, even when I'd really like to, I remember which pudding you prefer your medicine in, and your sons and daughters names too
I know what time you'll likely be in bed, and the time you'd like to get dressed, I know it's not enough, and I know you get depressed,
But I hope you can feel I care for you

Restless and stressed over things
I cannot control
I wish I could stand back
And look at things as a whole.

I've got pictures living in my phone
Of people I haven't checked on in years,
It's weird how long I've been alone.

My heart a hearth with endless fire,
They always return when they're cold
And I'll give and I'll give,
I have heat to share
But now I feel ice in my bones

Just like money that I can't save,
Stored up envy that keeps me caged,
Dazzling stones I'll never be given,
The calm grassy meadows when
spring has risen,
That painful neon sign before a night
full of sinnin'
Subtly surrounded by an evergreen glow, 'till one day I'm moss-from head to toe

It's a shame you don't understand
***,
How unfortunate that I can't understand
Love.

I say I attract toxic,
Deep down I think
I crave it.

A little girl crying, a little girl lost,
Hush now keep quiet,
Our reputation it will cost.
A little girl laughing, no where to be found, do your chores and stay hidden, don't you dare make a sound.
A little girl beaten, a little girl bruised, relying only on herself, she's used to being used.
A grown woman erratic, her mind is far gone, they snicker and laugh, they don't ask her what's wrong.
A grown woman tired, her eyes all wept out, she's firm in her stance now, rebuking self doubt.
A grown woman angry, unseen for too long, she's sure of her place now, there's bass in her song.

She wants me to fail, and I know it.
I'm too intoxicated by her presence to care.

I'm comfy alone, no silence to fill, the days drag along but outside I remain chill.
Inside is turmoil, conflict, and debates,
This mind is paradoxical and no one escapes.
I can picture all futures, happy or sad, with or without you, either way I'm still mad.
To think I don't miss you, is an excruciating cut, maybe I couldn't stay but that doesn't mean it wasn't love.
Maybe I ruined it or maybe I was blind, I can hear your voice each night like a sacred lullaby.
I know I'll gain no favors, and you think curiosity killed the cat, but to not have your thousand questions about my day you truly believe I want that?
I guess these grounds are haunted, and I made things exponentially worse,
I have always viewed you like my blessing,
maybe I was your curse.

His love was,
Soft like the rain on a foggy morning,
Mesmerizing like a summertime sunrise,
Calming like a cool breeze through the autumn trees,
Safe like your favorite blanket after a scary movie,
Warm like holding your favorite mug full of tea in your hands,
And it was mine,
Until it wasn't.

The room smells good
Until the candle burns out
And now it's just a room again

All my time spent
yearning for the shore,
just to crave the ocean
once my hair dried.

I can't remember your name but I remember how wrong it felt to let you inside me