TW: MENTIONS OF SELF-HARM

My body,
My punishment.
This world is cruel,
And I,
The puppet.

A stabbing sadness,
Shrivels my heart.
Pain,
Becomes painless,
As skin,
Becomes art.

Woes to wounds,
The sheets I have bled.
As a desire,
So deadly,

Leads me to temptation,
Again.

My love,
I built a house for you.
A sacred comfort,
A room for two.

Your woes and troubles,
Are mine to soothe.
The path you face
I will walk too.

And when I do,
I shall guide you home.
In the arms of mine,

You are never alone.

How joyous I would be,
If time would slow.
Take a breather,
Let us flow.

From hours to minutes,
They turn to seconds.
Living in limits,
Having no presence.

I deeply sigh,
For time is too rapid.
Too impatient to wait,
Too ravenous to stop it.

As now the clock,
Reaches to nine.
And here I lay,
Wishing,
Of a world without time.

My angel.
A mind so kind,
So curious.
You have rekindled my joy,
My purpose.

But now,
I can't help but feel alone.
As you walk down an aisle,
Smothered in rose.

And I,
Hold a lump in my throat.

You have finally grown.

Growth.
A beautiful thing,
For the mind and soul.

From young to old,
To secrets untold.

In youth I thrived
Through actions of bold.

As I have lived
Through thick and thin.

And let my story unfold.

But all is well,
For my soul is home.
In the arms of death,

I am free to roam.

Just once,
May I cradle
That child I hushed.

For youth I rushed,
And thoughts I pushed.

She was scared,
And forever flushed.

An innocent heart,
Squandered,
And crushed.

And now she lives,
With no recollection,
Of being a kid.

What awaits,
Beyond my fate?

One cannot distinguish my state.

But you,
Of course, can,

Or so you say.

I am frail,
But strong.
Correct,
Yet wrong.

I wish not to join
The melody of your song.

For I am me,
And I shall heal.
From your ignorance,
Judgment,
And inability to feel.
For although I am lost,

At least I am real.

I have been granted
The gift, of you.
A sweet, joyous angel,
With a heart made for two.

Your precious soul,
So radiant of light.
Beaming greatly,
From day till night.

My heart is full,
When yours is too.
For a blessing like you,

I refuse to lose.

Your eyes
Speak a thousand words.
But these words,
Seem wrong.

Your voice,
Once melodic,
Is off-key
To our song.

Have I hurt you,
My dear?
Is this all a lie?
You lay by my side,
Our hands intertwine.

But your kiss,
Is tired.
Your lips subside.
Oh no,
Darling,

Are you still mine?

I look at my wall,
It speaks no colour.
Bare,
Empty,
Since the season of summer.

Your soul left,
And I,
Left too.
But an idea
Came to me,
One lazy afternoon.

I looked at my supplies,
That were almost decaying.
I opened them gently,
And soon began painting.

Your favourite colours cascading
Yellow, green and blue.
The wall began drying,
As my tears did too.

For this mural,
Is sacred,
And I,
Am now feeling.
As another sun rises,
My heart welcomes healing.

I am lost,
Utterly lost.
A ghost,
In my own body.
A memory,
In my mind.
A restless soul,
Breaking inside.
My joy proving to be a lie.

Yet here I am.
Breathing,
Barely feeling,
Yet still alive.

For one moment,
I forget.
I am calm and free,
From regret.

I reset.
In the eyes of green,
I am hidden by trees,
Sitting by a stream.

Mind lost at sea,
I breathe.

Finally.

For one moment,
I am truly free.

Oh little one,
Your heart died so young.
Life can be a pain,
And you were stung.
You sought happiness,
In the arms of your own.
As joy did not exist
In the heart of your home.
Your carers,
Were made of stone.
Flashes of anger
Turned you cold.
But through this,
You continued to grow.
Be proud,
Little angel,
You have won this alone.

I am a floating flower,
Among the tallest tree.
My petals,
They fall once plucked from me.
My pollen
Decreases once ****** by bees.
My roots
Decay once ripped from leaves.
I am fragile,
Born from the smallest of seed.
Grown and sewn,
To the purest beauty.

But wanderer and ponderer,
Please let me be.

Desire.
Killing softer souls
Then meets the eye.

Screaming,
Drowning.
Running,
Empowering,

I am all but there.

My mind flares
With ideas
That the heavens wouldn't dare
To declare.

For life, I do not bear.

Numb to a feeling,
Born too daring.
Unwilling to sober,
Utterly uncaring.

That is I,
And I shall be until the end of time.
Where I sit against a wall,
Dimmer than my mind.

TW: Self-Harm

Mummy,
My flesh is my own,
Grown and sewn,
To skin and bone.

But my mind is hurt and I don't know why.

As the metal hit,
On leg to wrist,
It painted my body.

Nothing could stop me.

It was addictive,
Yet I am still alive.

Why?

From one to two,
Then some to a few.
I could not keep score,

My body is now torn.

One more taste,
Love.

One sigh
And I knew you were a waste.

Tough.

I crave your scent,
But you repent us.

Shame.

I am the match to your flame,
Your icing on the cake.

Mistake.

You have no choice,
Silly of you to think twice.

Nice.

Now you lie,
Wet in your tears.
Trying to hide away from your fears.

As your fear,
Is you and I.

Fine.

I guess i'll keep you with me,
For life.

For reason,
I recall.
You were frail,
Quite small.

Your body
Hung low,
Through trees of fall.

I rush,
As you're hushed in my arms.

A thrillseeker,
I am.
For your squeal
Begins to calm.

And now you land,
On the brim of the bank.

With a thump and thud,
Covered in mud,
I haul you strong,

As you're now a swimmer,
In the pond.

The final day,
To a year of sorrow.

Weakness,
Now seen as strength.
Roads seem no longer bent.

A clear way,
I now create.
For change is ahead,

It is never too late.

How does one
Love and hate?
A sickly sweet
But bitter taste.

No sanity,
No self-respect.
Just you and I,
Bodies full of sweat.

We are soaking wet,
As you draw me in.
You're adoring,
And attractive.
Yet gruesome,
And grim.

But you win.

Your prize,
Is my mind.
And that is bold and unkind.

But alas,
I chose to try.
But you hid the key
I am too weary to find.

We ask ourselves;
‘Why?’
That ‘life was made to die’,

But if we continue to ponder,
We turn grim,
And somber.

For this question is up to us.
A creation of an answer,
One can trust.

As one can love,
And finally adjust.

A thought pierces my mind,
Like a knife to a heart.

A slow memory forms,
As I feel a blistery wind.

Goosebumps on my skin,
I am no longer here.

My eyes,
Flooding like water,
A memory is near.

Emotions,
Unclear.

Breathing,
Unsteady and loud,
Mind blocked
Beneath a hundred clouds.

The silence is loud.

But I arrive back,
The moon rises up the corner.
As my thoughts wash away,
Just like water.

From distance,
To distant.
My reflection,
Reminiscent
On what it used to be.

What it used to see.
What it could believe,
And achieve.

But time,
And change,
Makes its way
Through our space.

Plays tricks to teach
Us on life,
And it's games.

But we adapt,
And adopt at a stage,
Where we accept
That life is strange.

But all shall be okay.

We are empty,
Half naked.
Our bodies meet the eye,
The room is quiet,
Sacred.

You slowly walk,
Our eyes talk,
Your lips,
They quiver.

Your voice,
Makes me shiver.

I am smaller,
My body polluted in sweat.

For one magical move ,
And I,
Am now undressed.

I think you may suspect the rest.

How I would,
Or could
Open my heart,
To let you in.

In a race to the finish line,
I would let you win.

On a day of judgement,
I would hide your sin.

For all of you,
I would half my soul.

Dig deeply for days,
To build you a home.

And although
These words may flow,
They cannot express
My true interest,

In you and I
To love until we’re old.

A season for joy ,
Swings quickly by.

Frosty roads,
And shady skies.

For icicles form,
In the roof of my mind

As this season
Is bitter,
But sweet to the eye.

I was once told;
'Your body is young, yet your mind is old'.

I felt empowered,
But it broke my soul.

Someone once said;
'You have quite a steady head'.

I felt proud,
But I was wrongly led.

'You finally settled down',
'Your truly stronger now'.

You may be right,
But I grew up in flight.

Running from feelings,
As they were seen as weakness.

Wiser beyond my age,
So obedient
And well-behaved.

But at that stage,
It was not okay.

Suppression ,
And depression
Made a wiser brain.

No play,
No games.

Just lived as a wise man,
Each and every day.

Dare I say,
I take it day by day.

Moments of play,
Sculpted like clay.

But a thought to die
Pops up in my mind.

My mind,
Once flourished
Turns decayed,
Malnourished.

It captures my brain.

Perhaps I'm insane?

But on the outside,
I am sane.

No worry
To come my way.

All is well,
I know,
For that will stay the same.

It cannot change,
I CANNOT BE THIS WAY.

But alas,
I am.
I fall ill
In earth's hands.

For now
I carry utter guilt,
And blame.

What a shame.

Here I ponder,
Inside my room.

Breath hitching,
As the clock strikes noon.

Warm feeling ,
Gone all too soon.

And now,
I am full of gloom.

For reality,
Lives here in my room.

It is safe,
Like a child in their womb.

Dare I shake it off?
This feeling of terror,
And doom?

For life is my mind,
Cheerful and kind,
And I shall not live in gloom.

My eyes awaken,
The day is sacred.

A sun arrives,
Slowly rising.

The grass,
Slowly swaying.
My fears,
Erasing.

This day graces me
With joy and safety.
All away
From anger,
and hatred.

This moment of life,
I cherish so greatly.

For i'm one step away
From a perfect haven.

You are burdened
By time,
Your presence is unknown.
But what matters,
My lover,
Is how you grow.

Don’t fret,
Or try to forget
Of a time felt alone.

Be still,
My lover,
For a heartache is known.

But time ,
By your side,
Will guide your way home.

Look at me,
How slick and sleek.
A lipstick to wear
With blush on my cheek.

A corset tied tight
To cut my breath.
A queasy,
Uneasy
Feeling lingers through my chest.

You took my neck,
One hand down my vest.

But I look my best,
As you say to the rest.

I am worthy now,

I have passed your test.

Your words,
Taunt me.
An echo
Of your voice,
Haunts me.

You developed,
So coldly.
Proceeded to love me
So weakly.

Yet you turn,
To face me.
Say my name
So loudly.

Your grieving,
Of the old me.  
Yet I ,
Face you.

No words
I spew,
Only hurt within truth,

As we are torn in two.

Your eyes
Don’t speak the same.
They lay fallen,
Unable to look my way.

Your kiss
Was once passionate and sublime.
But your lips ,
As cold as ice,
Lay lazily on mine.

Your movement,
So rushed.
Our fingers barely touch.

For you caress my cheek,
One last time.

As I cry into your hand,
You stand away from mine.

He is gentle ,
Sleeping ,
Waking.

Tossing and turning,
Yearning,
Aching.

Voice unknown,
Only sound
That seems to linger.

Crying,
Screaming ,
A dramatic temper.

He is unknown to me,
Blood as cold as ice.

No rhythm in my heart
When I look into his eyes.

But alas,
He is mine,
And mine he shall become.

For I am young,
And choose to be one with my son.

The season of Winter
Has finally come.

Cold air and rain
Block rays of the sun.

A subtle stab to the soul,
Leaves bruising to show.
I scold myself.

‘Isn’t this memory too old?’

But I am truly bold.
For memory
Is not temporary,
But a rendition
Of a story,
We must let unfold.

And shall I feel it until the end of day?

No.

But acceptance to the blues,
Is truly okay.

My lover,
Don't let go.
From sun to snow,
Through seasons
We flow.

Please , don’t let go.

Let hearts be full
In times of dull.
For time shall still
As our souls fill,

With love and light for you and I.

Now take my hand,
If you will.

And don't let go.

Who is that
I see?
Some reflection as strange as me.

Too frightened to
Be alone.
Overcome by a sad tone,
Overwhelming,
Overgrown.

But
Who is this?
Who have I become?

No one.

A fact of a stranger,
Looking through the mirror.

Uncanny,
A weak figure.

But alas,
That is me.

And I,
Have withered.

Oh look at you,
So pretty and cute!
Frills suit you well,
Mommy can tell!

Show your friends !
They truly won’t mind.
For they will see my reflection
From behind.

Oh how unkind ,
You wish to leave ?
For why do your eyes
Begin to leak?

We will always walk
With the same stride !
For mommy is bound
To you for life.

For anyone who hurts you,
Shall be met with a knife.

For nobody else
Shall you dare to meet.

But only I,
Will usher you to speak.

With that being said,
Come my darling,
And sit next to me.

I sit
To contemplate.
A deep thinker,
If I do say.

A bare speaker,
High dreamer,
A true believer.

A small side of me speaks softly,
In undertones
Of black and blue.

Pointing the gun
And tying the noose.

Thoughts,
As I know,
Let loose.

Leaves me stifled,
And bruised.
Tired,
And confused.

Dazy and hazy,
My heart is racing.

Words of truth
I cannot unfold.

For a word shed
Is a word told.

And I,
Kept quiet,
Would feel too bold.

For my soul is now sold.

Here I lay,
In comfort.
Sweet soft blankets
Warm me up from this blizzard.

Nothing can go astray,
As I lay in dark.

Pure and silent.

But a small creak on my floor
Awakens my blindness.

A creature
With eight claws climbs clumsily
Down my side.

Frozen in horror
I peak with two eyes.

And to my surprise,
It is black and fuzzy.
A creature so monstrous,
It truly stunned me.

I begin to question
What this could mean.

Am I covered in webs
From what I can see?

Has he enclosed me in his small sanctuary?

I cannot seem to breathe,
As the silky spider spins itself
Down by my door.

I hide my eyes
Until I see it no more.

Sleep is no option
As he crawls along my floor.

I silently scream.

But alas,
He takes a route that is out and about.

Out of sight and out of mind,
I sink back into comfort
With a happy sigh.

For what a scare to endure at night.

My sweet,
You have crossed barriers,
We know.
I have held feelings
All too low.

Time has shut,
Made a clock
To count my hours alone.

Too fast,
Or too slow?

Only the heavens can know.

But you have faith,
Brought to your grave.

And I ,
Strive to make a smile appear.
Though grieving tears dent my skin.

But promises unlocked
Are ones I keep safe from sin.

As sin,
To your eye,
Is the blade of a knife,

For good riddance of my own life.

But I ,
Shall not die.

Only when time knows it is right.

I,
Am lost.
Lost in this world
Of chaos.

Yet my mind
Has soothed me.
Like pretty skies,
And blooming daisies.

Feel warmth
Through hazy dreams.
Leave burdens
To die in sleep.

Birds pecking softly
Through greenery.

As I can only see
This world as futile,
And bleak.

But I,
In my mind,
Can live in peace.

Her lips,
Are mine.
Her eyes,
Sublime.

I think of her all the time.

She listens to my voice,
Her smile,
So nice.

But to my surprise,
She laughs with another.

My heart
Is torn,
Pushed down in the gutter.

Sharing happiness with others,
Is beyond my advice.
As this rachet jealousy
Is burning like spice.

But one can only learn,
For she knows I am right.

I live
In false reality,
So they say.
A world of 'nonsense'
And 'immature play'.

A world where one
Cannot be torn.
No heart to break,
Nobody to mourn.

For here I lay
On my bed,
To breathe.
Creating a creation,
Only known to me.

As Stars and moon
Begin to shine.
Through world of wonder,
That is only mine.

And this little truth,
Is truly divine.

If only one,
Could show me the way.

Without toxins
Circling my brain.

Without slurring
Words that I say.

Without praying
For my last day.

Without digging
An awaiting grave.

Without feeling myself
Wither away.

But today is the day,
I put this all at bay.

As I travel to the land
Of safe haven.

That is where I will stay.

'Come alive',
They say.
'Take these pills twice a day'.

'Activate your mind,
Leave thoughts to stay’.

‘But doctor,
I fear,
My thoughts are
Difficult to bear’.

'You think too much of it,
Dear'.
You say.

'Take your belongings
And go home today'.

Look at me,
Full of frills.
My milk skin
Gives you thrills.

Spinning around,
I show my treasure.
I know quite little,
But you,
Know better.

I obey and play,
On the bed I lay.
In your arms I sway,

On the shelf,
I stay.

My new lover,
He treats me well.
Highly captivated
By his spell.

Smart and slick,
He mangles my mind.
Though not a lover
Of any kind.

He loves me,
Myself,
And only I.
For I am a trophy
In his deep blue eyes.

Temptations
Of the weak,
I fall to my knees.
He is hard to please,
Though easy to tease.

But my honesty
Has seized,
My words have frozen.
This man is poison,
Numbing my emotion.

As my new lover,
He is unkind.
A cruel robber
Of the heart and mind.

But I am fine,
I truly am.
For all is worth it
To hold his hand.

Here I lie,
Sweetly by your side.
Hands intertwined ,
Melting in your eyes.

Can we stop and
Stay?
Life is content
When I feel safe.

My mind hushed
By your gentle touch.
Wishing the fire
Would hold our gaze.

Cosy and rosy,
Delicately dozing.
My eyes drift,
Closing for the day.

But in the midst of night,
I wake with a fright.
The chair,
Half empty.

For you have left me.