When I remember you,
it is not a slide show of memories between us,
it is one single memory, and it is not a group
photo of us on our friends roof that you posted to snapchat
and I posted to instagram, deleted, reposted, deleted, reposted, deleted-
you know how it goes.
It is not a picture of you and I, or even of you and her.
It's just you. And I can't see your surroundings, they change
every time I smell your scent, every time I hear your name,
every time you cross my mind. You're never in the same place, but
you're always laughing. I used to say your laugh was like a plane
landing or plates breaking because it was loud and it shook a room,
it shook my soul. Your laugh was my favorite earthquake, and I do not
know why I continue to compare it to such negative things when it is what made you stand out. Your laugh. It was the only thing that was really yours that you offered to me. I wish I could've recorded it and made it my ring tone, I wish I could hear it one more time before
I take a step into the real world. It feels like I've been walking for miles and nobody laughs here, nothing is funny enough to laugh at.
I hope you find things that make you smile, still, even if they do not correlate back to me. All I ever wanted was to be your downwards spiral.
Everyone's always grasping for a voice, to be heard, to be held and to be fed but also to be understood.
I don't want a voice, anymore.
I want a laugh like yours;
and even more than that-
I would like to laugh again. At nothing. At everything.
You stole the sound from my throat and all I'm saying;
is I want it back.
I want you back.