I'll kiss your pillowcases to stain them
Cover them in orange lipstick
For you to remember my lips
and when you wash them,
if you manage to gracefully clean them
I'll let you forget me
and I'll forget you

I smile knowing that this isn't a dream.

I smile knowing that you are where I am and I am where you are, in the dark, under blankets, on a cloud that would have felt like nails if you weren't here.

But I smile knowing that my breath doesn't escape into the loneliness of my room, as it brushes against your neck – my kiss of air that pushes you closer into me.

And I'd whisper words like
"I love you"
And
"You are so beautiful"
that would glide across pillowcases into your ears. And if you aren't awake to hear them, I'd make sure to repeat them the first thing in the morning when you wake.

But for now, the silence competes with the crickets, your soft snores, and my even softer sighs of laughter, in disbelief that such an adorable situation has laid itself out right in front of me,  in my arms.

I have trouble falling asleep, because for the first time, my reality is much sweeter than any dream my mind can ever imagine.

How could you leave me so unexpected?
I was waiting, I was waiting
For you but you just left me
I needed you, I needed you
Yo, I don't know what it's like to be addicted to *****
But I do know what it's like to be a witness it kills
You told me you love me, I'm thinking this isn't real
I think of you when I get a whiff of that cigarette smell, yeah
Welcome to the bottom of hell
They say pain is a prison, let me out of my cell
You say you proud of me, but you don't know me that well
Sit in my room, tears running down my face and I yell
Into my pillowcases, you say you coming to get me
Then call me a minute later just to tell me you not, I'm humiliated
I'm in a room with a parent that I don't barely know
Some lady in the corner watching us, while she taking notes
I don't get it dad, don't you want to watch your baby boy grow?
I guess that ***** is more important, all you have to say is no
But you won't do it will you? You gon' keep drinking 'til the ***** kills you
I know you gone but I can still feel you
Why would you leave me? Why would you leave me here?
How could you leave me here?
How would you leave me? Why would you leave me?
Oh, Hey
I got this picture in my room and it kills me
But I don't need a picture of my dad, I need the real thing
Now a relationship is something we won't ever have
Why do I feel like I lost something that I never had?
You shoulda been there when I graduated
Told me you love me and congratulations
Instead you left me at the window waiting
Where you at dad? I was too young to understand where you at huh?
Yeah, I know that alcohol  got you held captive
I can see it in your eyes, its got your mind captured
Some say it's fun to get the high but I am not laughing
What you don't realise and what you not grasping
That I was nothing but a kid who couldn't understand
I ain't gon' say that I forgive you cause it hasn't happened
I thought that maybe I feel better as time passes
If you really cared for me, then where you at then?
Why would you leave me? Why would you leave me?
How could you leave me here?
How would you leave me? Why would you leave me?
Hey
Our last conversation, you and I sat in the living room
Playing our video games, you started slurring and I broke down in front of you
You started crying, telling me this isn't you
Couple weeks later, guess you were singing a different tune
You Drank that ***** for the last time, didn't you?
It took you from me once, guess It came back to finish you
Crying my eyes out in the studio is difficult
Music is the only place that I can go to speak to you
It took everything inside of me to not scream at your funeral
Sitting in my chair, that person talking was pitiful
I wish you were here dad but every time I picture you
All I feel is pain, I hate the way I remember you
They found you on the floor, I could tell that you felt hollow
Gave everything you had plus your life to those jack bottles
You gave everything you had plus your life to them jack bottles
Don't know if you hear me or not, but if you still watching why
Why would you leave me? Why would you leave me?
How could you leave me here?
How would you leave me? Why would you leave me?
Hey

I spy with my little- I
Spy with my little eye

a sleep cutter
red sheet maker
wet pillowcases and
wet pillowcases and
blankets.

LARISSA LOU McCASKY female 40 years of age 5’7” lanky physique stitched old pillowcases random fabric homemade knee length wrap skirt tight brown velvet vest no shirt camping sandals subtle smile

CLYDE ELI MOSKOWITZ male 52 years of age 5’9” athletic build yet signs of age white painter’s pants rolled up to mid-shin light blue vintage cowboy shirt wet black high-tops

act 1 scene 1

Sky bar 4th Avenue Tucson Arizona 6:30 PM actors sit 3 seats away from each other at bar bartender approaches Larissa

BARTENDER can i help you?

LARISSA (she looks up from cell phone) yes thank you may i please have a glass of sauvignon blanc or reasonable facsimile and tall ice water

BARTENDER we have a California pinot grigio $5 a glass

LARISSA is it good? i’ll try a glass (bartender serves wine and tall ice water Larissa sips) oh yeah this is good thank you

CLYDE excuse me i was considering switching from this Spanish red to what you ordered you like it huh?

LARISSA yes it’s quite good funny coincidence i just switched too from pinot noir last week i decided it’s unseasonably heavy you look familiar have we met?

CLYDE we’ve almost met on several occasions i’m a fan of your beauty (raises hand appealing to bartender’s attention) hi may i please try what she’s having

BARTENDER no problemo señor

LARISSA oh that’s sweet i thought for a moment you were going to say you’re a fan of my writing

CLYDE you’re a writer huh what kind of writing?

LARISSA whim fancy poetry fiction essays critiques i like to experiment with different formats

CLYDE hmmm what are you currently reading?

LARISSA aren’t you the inquisitive one i’m currently reading Yukio Mishima’s Madame de Sade it’s a play

CLYDE wow i’m a fan of Yukio Mishima and the Marquis de Sade yet unaware of the work are you enjoying it? i’m Clyde what’s your name?

LARISSA Larissa i just began reading it so far so good

CLYDE may i move closer?

LARISSA yes

CLYDE thank you (he picks up glass and sits next to her) hello

LARISSA is the mustache recent?

CLYDE still growing in

LARISSA i like you better without it

CLYDE got a razor on you?

LARISSA it makes you look sad

CLYDE hmmm (long pause he looks away then into her eyes)

LARISSA are you ok?

CLYDE yes

LARISSA what’s your profession?

CLYDE i’m a painter sometimes writer and i teach yoga when i can find work otherwise i scrape out a living house painting restoration whatever pays

LARISSA a painter what do you paint besides houses?

CLYDE i’m old i’ve painted everything figurative representational abstract symbolism you name it i’ve painted it

LARISSA you’re funny

CLYDE you think so?

LARISSA Clyde why are you sad?

CLYDE oh Larissa i don’t know what to say in a way i feel i was sent here to do a different job i don’t understand why i'm here or what i’m doing do i sound crazy? life throws a lot of hardballs at you few are good enough to make the big leagues the rest of us struggle day to day no i don’t mean to express that thought i’m grateful for the opportunity of this life in my own little way i try to make a better difference

LARISSA you’re not crazy Clyde you’re wise well spoken words you’re a sweetheart i’m glad to finally meet you

CLYDE oh god Larissa you have no idea how good that makes me feel i am such a fan of your beauty the way you dress your voice gestures everything i look forward to reading your work

LARISSA chill on the flattery Clyde my dog is dying (tears well up in her eyes)

CLYDE i am so sorry for you (he reaches into back pocket) here’s a tissue i know what it’s like to lose a precious friend i lost my baby 12 years ago and still carry her picture in my wallet i’m probably not someone you want to talk to i totally freaked out (tears well up in his eyes)

LARISSA Clyde you are so sweet can i buy you a drink anything what do you desire please

CLYDE uhh thank you but no not tonight i think i’ve had enough i need to go home Larissa you’re an angel my precious angel thank you my heart flames for you (he stands up)

LARISSA you’re being dramatic Clyde please stay and talk with me i won’t ask you again why you’re sad i like your mustache it’s growing on me please hang out with me

act 1 scene 2

9 PM they are walking back to her place

CLYDE (looking up at sky) the moon Larissa the moon

LARISSA you’re so dramatic Clyde

CLYDE you think i’m a drama queen?

LARISSA i don’t know you well enough yet Clyde are you?

CLYDE sometimes i think i’m a woman trapped in a man’s body

LARISSA shut up Clyde

CLYDE i’m definitely a man but way too sensitive for this world

LARISSA i need to *** (she squats and pees)

CLYDE (he looks up and down street keeping guard) you’re the coolest girl in the world

LARISSA you think so?

act 2 scene 1

cell phone conversation

LARISSA i’m taking Sweeny to the vet i can tell he’s hurting bad

CLYDE i’m coming with you

LARISSA no this is too personal

CLYDE shut up Larissa i’ll see you there

LARISSA i don’t know i need to do this by myself i feel so sad Sweeny’s eyelids are half closing I’m losing him

CLYDE i love Sweeny for adoring you the joy he brought to you please don’t shut me out Larissa i’ll meet you at the veterinarian’s we’ll figure this out write paint practice yoga work it out somehow

LARISSA ok alright see you at the vet’s

act 2 scene 2

they are shoveling a hole in her backyard deep enough so no creatures can intrude both are crying Larissa is in a daze

CLYDE that caliche is a ***** to shovel through

LARISSA yup

CLYDE oh baby let me have the shovel

LARISSA i can do this i need to do this i think it’s deep enough let’s go look at Sweeny (tears pouring out of her eyes they go back into house Sweeny is lying wrapped in blanket on table)

act 2 scene 3

he is lying next to her sniffing smelling her underarm kissing her neck hair she is lifeless coming to consciousness crying hysterically

CLYDE rest easy darling Sweeny is up in heaven waiting for you

act 2 scene 4

Thai restaurant

LARISSA i’m not hungry can’t focus on the menu order for me

CLYDE i love you Larissa more than anyone anything else in this whole world i love you

LARISSA i feel sick tired

CLYDE shall i drive us home

LARISSA no let’s eat in an unforeseen surprising way Clyde i love you too deep down stay with me Clyde don’t ever go away

The smell of stale alcohol
and a slight pressure
upon my shoulder blades
greeted me
with cold air
and the winter sun

I thought that perhaps
my dreams had been reality
and that you were lying next to me
like so many times before

I opened my eyes
to find mascara-stained pillowcases
and blankets twisted
into a maze of confusion
and bitter disappointment

Do you remember my wool sweater:
How the fibers used to catch on your wristwatch
And tangle themselves in the buttons on your checkered shirt?
Those loose threads said what I was too afraid to—
Don't let go;
Stay just a little longer.
Fiber after fiber, they unraveled,
Until that old wool sweater was tattered and frayed and scattered—
Softly curled strings on shirt edges and neckties,
A memory begging not to be forgotten.
Even after all this time,
I'd bet you still find specks of red on your pillowcases
Or on your jacket as you ride the bus to work.
I hope you do.

Tepid summer nights and
     holes in the soles of your feet.
Holes in your wrists, no?
Soft fluttering of dusted eyelashes and
     the pale pink of morning sun as you turn your cheek.
Blushing like a schoolgirl, no?
***** fingertips on dirtied skin and
     toothy smiles, moth-eaten pillowcases, stale whispers.
*'Pour susurrer des mots doux', non?

The trap was set by the light of the winter blue moon ;
just a simple blank sheet of paper and a pen
The Antique Cherry carved poster bed stood alone ,
adorning four Bordeaux colored silk pillowcases ,
fluffed feather pillows impatiently laying in wait
The stone cold down comforter that blanketed the loneliness
was neatly turned down from where it lay tucked and rolled ...

I close my eyes with a surrendering sigh ;
the cold touch of solitude brings a breathtaking shiver
Curling up in a fetal ball for a sense of closeness ,
like a tiny abandoned child, waiting for the sandman
to steal away the remains of another lonely day ...

In the imperative silence of the moonlit stillness ,
you could hear the blood running through my veins
The pounding heartbeat is reluctantly softened
quietly drifting off into a dream ...

The first arousing whisper broke the silence ,
as musings tiptoed through the silent reverie
Songs danced throughout the secret places ,
safely kept out of the wilderness' nocturnal voyeurs eyes
Words murmured expose an unsated caged yearning ;
an insatiable thirst that aloneness can not quench ...

Emotions ebb and flow within the twilight depths
of our thickly breathed word play
Intertwined in the infinite beauty
of enchanting moonstruck conjured delights ...

We glide speechlessly in the starlit moon dust,
levitating blissfully like giddy adult playmates
with  an  uninhibited  wanton  glee
Mesmerized by a rousing romantic essence
stirring up an urgent swooning breeze
If only this recurring dreamfulness
could reach out beyond reach a bewitching dream
to tenderly touch another impassioned heart of soul ...  

                                 ~

The sweat soaked sheets are now tangled ,
twisted traces of ecstasy tossed and turned
Awakened flesh trembling with the uncovered morning chill
A body drained and exhausted
as if there were never a moments sleep ...

The trap was set by the light of the winter blue moon ;
perfectly placed to catch the spilled secrets
of a moonstruck midnight spell
Awakening to find a paling illusion’s memory
laid bare in words, stranded on the cotton sheets of dawn ~

In the heat of the night these three simple words 
were clearly scribbled, trapped on the once blank sheet of paper ―
                       to remind me in ink blue ...

                               It  is You !!!

                                    and

               " I breathe you in my dreams "


             harlon rivers ….❤  happy belated St. Valentines day ☽

0.  I was just trying to breathe

Every inch of my story line
I drank like coffee that you need so badly
You don't notice the taste of ash
it leaves in your throat
and when I breathed out smoke,
slowly gliding from my tongue,
you'll know, the words I can't choke
the ones I hung to dry,
but left them outside
through a crisp winter season
and returned just in time
to catch the lullaby as it dissolved into water.
I couldn't wait any longer.
I broke them into icy pieces
that fit back in my mouth.
I held them there long after I breathed
the blizzard that had formed in my stomach.
I couldn't swallow, I couldn't breathe
and I couldn't wait for you to leave.

So I locked my icy breath in my hands
and looked for silent corners between buildings
so I could begin to understand
how to squeezed out the blood from the words I've been spilling

I. White Moonlight

I went up the mountain side
listening to the canyon's song.
Dancing beneath the tree lines, I soaked
in the pines and cypresses.

I ran to the west, searching for a place to rest.
Fell asleep in the foothills
and had to run home to catch the light
Running in the dark, I would not beat the night.

[I was a villager traveling through
There came the White Knight with red hair in view
offered a space, a safe place for the night]

The white knight held out his hand to an aching soul.
Accepted.
Trusting the purity in a path lit by moonlight
Unknowingly, I would never trust white again.

II. Static

Deceived and seduced by the safety and warmth of white,
There was a subtle yellow tint in your light
that began to scream from its origin and fight against the walls
A cinderblock room colored in skin absorbed my calls

There was air trapped in my bones
that halted movement and created unfamiliar vocal tones
There were no cuts or bloodstains,
but all that was white drained to red
as he wrapped my limbs in reins
(to) make them dance, make them spread
Dance for the White Knight
make them move as you please, White Knight.

This body was a delicate ship that had been sunken
from a night spent in a dungeon
with a monster disguised as a man
whose touch would shave inches from my wingspan
Now these limbs do not belong,
the pressure outlines of your unwelcomed hands
Whimpers became the lyrics to my muted, morning song

I didn't know, how minutes can become tattooed in your veins
with each breath, a gentle push of blood through your body
you begin to taste the ***** again
the red clouds invade and bring me back to the monster's den

Now he holds these layers as the corners all peel
from a defeat long ago, a kidnapping, a delicious steal
The potency of your dominance
the power you must have felt
in watching a flower melt

III. Silence

The moon is now a cold light,
but nothing is wrong.
A response clean as white-
A secret
to be naked and unprotected for so long.

My youth cools the coffee
My stomach burns the atmosphere
encapsulating me
Teeth marks stains on my pillowcases
In the day, there is outward harmony
Like carefully crisscrossed shoelaces
Night falls with the sound of silent sobs.
My walls begin to melt.
They are turning yellow
Reliving how it felt
to be betrayed by something white.
I can't live through the day with anticipation of the night
when that white light floods in
I try to tear you out from beneath my skin

IV. Don't Try to Love Me

The luxury to be still.
Motions that were quiet
Set the music to your gaze
as you reopen the tears
When will you open the steel curtains,
you drape around your heart?
I run my fingertips and I can’t find
how you’ve cloaked the mistakes in your architecture
There is nothing poetic about solitude
Let me pinpoint the coordinates of your pain
Let me find the exact longitude
Let me be your constant latitude
I know you are alive

You live in some unknown torment,
I once saw you writhe in the night
and under the moonlight

He didn’t know
How I was preoccupied
I had to settle the background noise
the constant buzz between my ears
that fills my head so I could never hear
How much he could have loved me.

V. Patience

How sweet to be loved by you
You are warm weather in February
You are the reflection of a mountain in a reservoir
mais mon humeur est noire

We were in a large room lit
by one lamp in the far corner
when words poured from my jaw of glass,
I guess I could have asked
but it seems no one knows
the cadence and way words can flow
into our hearts and puncture the soul

How sweet it was, to think I could be loved by you
You are figurine of my fears
A January wedding in three years
A shadow mapping an escape plan
Yet I lace my fingers in your hand

You don't belong with me
but when the delicate words
trembled from your lips
and your voice stopped
with my stare
Both your hands in my hair
I wish I knew how to tell you,
but I couldn't remember why
you had to be someone to just pass the time.

VI. Deliberate Return

It should have felt like
a lifted weight
so I could move through
an unlocked gate

brush your teeth on my neck
and your cheeks across my chest
I thought last time was the last time
Tiny drops became the anthem
And the tears found a quiet path
To roll onto my belly
Between you and me

I could still taste the poetry you left in my mouth
the deception and interception
of my growth
and of my youth

My clothes hung off my back
darkness from all the sleep I lack
Trying to wash out the scent of you
after 6 years, I thought I'd be through
but you've kept me here and I've let you

I am a lost warrior in the meadow
Treading water every night
Trapped in an internal fight
You held me in the shadows
Grabbing at the wildflowers in my breath
But I just kept breathing in the echoes
Of a time I must let go

The mist of my trouble followed me in March
I’d sit with tea and say things like ‘I feel better, but maybe not tomorrow’
There was no promise
Just moderate disbelief
No security in my sleep
So when I shook your outline out of my sheets
Laid in bed where I once lost my youth
I wish that this was not my truth

VII. Shuddering While Healing

There is a section of the river where
the current sends it’s shivers
The wind dances with the tree branches in slow motion
(but) I was grown with my toes on the edge of the ocean
Leaning in with your hand and handsome love songs
about relentlessness and forgiveness
You sang a gold song
like a January river
flowing beneath the ice
You thought your love could break through
that shallow ceiling, but I couldn't hear the tapping
as you drowned beneath my feet
I was submerged in the cross currents
pulling me and hugging me caught in the center
how I heated up and bent you
then left to wade in the river
how you stayed next to me
and remained never bitter

I can't find the line
and I can't ask you to throw me one
because I'm dragging you in as I float through
tracing the fire I began on this river
with my fingertips
and remembering how I was grown on the shore
but how I can never be sure
if the breath in my ear
is someone to be trusted
or if the breath in my ear
is that monster crawling near
taking the color, once again, from my atmosphere.

VIII. Fragile

The sweet kisses he planted on my shoulders
and the moves he made were full of truth
The guilt he felt should have been mine
but the longer he stayed the more I felt fine

For the other’s love was simply beige
And outlined in black
I didn’t want excitement
I didn’t want lust
It was not enticement or boredom
It was from the buildup of rust
between my bones.
And I listened to your breath against my shoulder through the phone.
It hit me like an ensemble
predicating the concerto.
You were just an instrument.
And here I thought I was the conductor
just dreaming of ways to escape.
And I don’t sleep well when I’m next to him either.
Because I’m dreaming of ways to relate.
And I don’t sleep well when I’m alone.
Because there’s no one left to blame.
So now trying to be tame
Searching for an answer
in a small place like alone

IX. Releasing

What it means to be powerful
I saw it in shades of red
To find your feet still melt the snow
To find the only security is within
the confounds of your frozen bones
I was sure that diving meant drowning
but I've been drowning on the shore
Since you touched me and wanted more
Since you saw me raw
I evolved into a monster
scratching and clawing at your dungeon's door
You can't keep me here forever

You displaced my trust in balance
and turned something beautiful into something *******
But if I can see your belly button,
then you were born once too.

What does it mean to be powerful?
I can do it in soft baby blue
I can do it with the haunting memory of you,
but I don't want you with me anymore
So, good night white knight.
You don’t get to have this moonlight
and soon I will no longer be afraid of the color white.

X. Tenderness

Tenderness.
That was the name of my pain.
It was not the bitterness
that makes us take down photographs
or change the song.
It was not about bitterness.
It’s about tenderness
and distance

I learned that the silent pauses
between gusts of wind causes
more sound than running facets.

I learned when you’re ******* for feelings
You start to feel the weight of the ceilings
We just hold on our backs and call it 'dealing.'

Trying to achieve the humility of a willow tree
Turning yellow in the slow descent to winter
But I’m not going to wait to give you what you need
White knight, tonight, I leave
Because I know you’ve been living in me like a splinter
Strong enough to puncture
Weak enough to be removed
This glass castle is just a structure
That could be improved

But you already made a house
And now you’re trying to pick out decorations
Let me tell you, humans are not decorations
Another human should be a matched foundation
I think you almost saw that too
When you felt the vibration of the wind from me to you

Terrified because it’s never about growing
it’s about pride.
Too scared of showing
the days we cried
cried so hard it became
the anthem of our week.
No, we can never show we are weak

Terrified
The fragility of our pride
So we disconnect, in order to protect.

Let me tell you, no one describes this life as a glide
If they do, they lied
Everyone is terrified or uninteresting
Yet we are all putting up walls and distancing

Farther and farther
What would it feel like if I asked you about the sound of tenderness?
Or what it looks like to be repaired?
We are so afraid of being unprepared
we don’t hear how the wind
sounds like children growing
How healing feels like the roll of the river
and just because you shiver
does not mean you will be cold forever
and those silent pauses between gusts of terror
when we are just a step away from pulling that lever
are the moments we should reflect on
These are all those things that cause us
to be terrified
and learn to be tender

XI. Happiness Doesn’t Leave a Mark

How do I tell you
that every day used to be a battle?
One that I fought because I had to
so I could get up and fight the next day.
It was never about winning.

This is a Saturday night kind of pain.
The kind you feel that doesn't belong to you.
But at least you are no longer numb.

I want to show you where I'm from.
That childhood house that saw too many ways
to shatter plates on holidays
When I left, I grew back wings
and flew through the haze
You see, plates and whites are just things
but you can make anything a symbol
and when you see that this is no signal,
this is a sign. That I can be standing here with you
and still die
but this time, maybe I’ll let you inside
because
I've been too many people to start anew
I've loved the color blue
Loved a man with an amber hue
I was damaged in a yellow room
but I cannot match a color to you

My mother,
She said "the weakest point in a rope
is where it connects to another
and your insides are tangled"
You see, I can live with the knots
I want to look at you and know
You can trust this knot to hold
You know I'll pull through
You're not so scared
of a scar, or a few
Because I want to share where I've been with you
*and that includes the happiness too.

I wade into tidal waves,
my hands full of dandelions

humbled by the sun
choked up over comets
I’ve given up on sunsets

you are a supernova clad only in my bed sheets
I make a wish every time your chest falls

****** lungs full of anxiety
My mouth tastes like an ashtray
filled with the buts of things i forgot to say
washed down by things i wish i hadn't

Still tripping over shoe laces,
I search for poetry in *** holes.
Forgiveness in pillowcases
my eyes have trouble resting these days

So, why aren't we dancing?

Following the rhythm of our mismatched heartbeats
I clumsily waltz through misleading conversations

my first boyfriend bought me an etch-a-sketch for christmas
with "i love you" drawn onto it
then broke up with me on new years day
the irony is not lost on me
and i still don't know
what shook him so hard
that i was erased
i was young then-
didn't know much about life
about love
hell, i still don't
i stumble my way through it all
i often trip & fall
yeah, i'm clumsy like that
but i'm saving all my "i love you"'s
and keeping them to myself
'cause honestly,
my love is the quiet kind
it's not candles & fancy table-cloths
or nicholas sparks dialogue
no, it isn't shouted from rooftops
instead,
it's whispered into pillowcases
in lonely beds
i make valentines mixtapes
that i never give out
i catch my tongue
before it runs away
with the words
i don't have the guts to say
i keep them locked up
somewhere in my ribcage
when i see you
i feel them rattling in my bones
there are claw marks on my throat
from times they've threatened
to spill out my mouth
i cry for you
like spilled milk
as white as your library smile
let me inside
i wanna learn everything
your wisdom teeth have to offer
i promise
i will be the perfect pupil
get straight A's
in the curves of your lips
anyway,
what i mean to say
is if i kiss you
would that
be
okay?

difficult* is sleeping with you

effortless is making love

shy is the moment after realizing I’m being too quiet in clarity
for you to feel comfortable

clarity is when I tell you the late evening sun lowers its golden tint
on everything and makes the leaves look vibrant green
and if it were to be one of those funny named colours in a paint swatch, it’d be
"I’m Alive! Green"

frustrated is when I see two pillowcases of identical fabric,
one more faded than the other,
and fail to explain why I’m not sure if the metaphor is sad or not

intricate is the way my mind is built

fragile is the way my heart is

heavy is when I talk about how rarely I cry

phoney is when I laugh about crying at a season finale to cover it up

beautiful is what you remind me I am

insecure is when I talk too much

comfort is eating lots of food

comfort is not eating food

disappointment is when I change my mind about your company

horror is asking you to leave

anxious is the way I feel when you are asleep beside me

frivolous is the pillow talk

juvenile is my babbling

fast is my heartbeat

enigma is what you keep calling me

Leave me
You following things
Stop sticking to my back like feathers
I am an ostrich
Stuck to the ground
I am a penguin
Slipping on the ice
I wish I could trade in these heavy wings
And sweep away these feathers
And take to the sky
Using nothing but my bare arms

she was the kind of person,
who didn't leave me in disgust when i was yelling
and loud
obnoxiously drunk.
she'd watch me mix different types of liquors in my mouth
from her own papas cabinet,
and we'd put the acrid mixtures
in Grateful Dead shot glasses,
and i'd turn up the music
until her mother would come downstairs, and we'd frantically hide the bottles
beneath peach bedsheets, and satin pillowcases,
and pretend i wasn't swaying like the ocean tide in five inch
stilettos.

sometimes i'll laugh
at the time when we were so small
that rooms seemed to swallow us whole,
doorways were caverns,
and glasses of water were lakes.

we'd jump on the bed,
and one time her mother came downstairs,
so mid-jump we pretended to fall asleep;
it didn't work very well.

she's the person who would make me watermelon juice, and bring me almonds
when my head was being kicked
over and over by a hangover,
she's the one who would latch frightfully
and laughing
onto my windblown clothing,
as i drove us full speed down the mountain,
ignoring her screaming of the speed limit.
i knew she loved it.

she's the one who i watched the stars with,
on warm concrete,
talking about what was up there,
in that vast abyss of
emptiness,
devoid of life,
nothing but spinning galaxies
and foreign stars.

we would get into fights;
i smoked too much,
she needed to loosen up more.
i didn't think before i spoke,
she thought too much about things.
i blurted out hurtful words too often,
she was too nice.
we argued with sweaty hands on school buses,
and we'd go swimming naked in frigid water,
angrily treading the river currents
to opposite sides of the beach.

i remember when i kissed a boy
for the first time at her house,
and she was snickering at us
watching from a window,
as we slow-danced
as the sun murdered the sky with burgundy, and we tripped on each others feet.
small, hasty kiss.
he looked longingly at me
over a campfire later,
(i never kissed him again)
she and i fell asleep with smoke in our clothing.
bonfire smoke
turned to cigarette smoke.

she'd scold me for destroying packs
when i had whooping cough.
she'd hide the chocolate in her cabinets,
because she knew i'd eat it all if i got my hands on it.

i'd watch her as she would
look into the eye of a camera,
or glide a brush latched with paint on its short hair,
onto a canvas;
her skin would glow like there were a million suns
tucked beneath it,
her face would open
like a wildflower blossoming in mid-summer,
as she drove her passion
into creating things she was destined to make.

she'd make me do my homework,
i'd make her take a shot.

she'd think about things, smart and calculating,
i'd throw myself into danger, flinging my limbs into the unknown.

she taught me to breathe in,
i taught her to exhale.

polar opposites.

Violaceous twilights,
      clandestinely sated
lavished 'til morn's early blush
   midst honey suckled euphoria,
 poems hidden 'neath
         satin pillowcases,
written 'tween the dew
    of rendezvous'
       blissed arousal
forevermore eagerly breathless,
      reawakening intentions
  aloft the vast obscurity of
        a wistful sunset's surrender

My love;
Do I dare drop another shrouded truth upon your eardrum...?
I left another footprint today, you know
...but those granules of concrete are still hollow,
still quiet;

I've hidden behind your golden dreadlocks too often,
and heard your contemptuous laughter echo,
the crooked whistle of another gunshot
piercing the silence, and a silhouette
-of course

....yet I can't let go.

You're so young, I tell myself;
Your bedsheets are still crisp, still odorless;
...this sleep does not trouble you, does it?
-with her kissing nightmares.

And I dread my toes slipping-into that cadencing abyss,
...the scattered doom of my growing death wish;
there's no one to hold me,
but you.

The pillowcases still hiss...
their fingers clench my hair, often;
and threads tie me to a new paranoia
every night.

And I know
these windows aren't clean
...they disgust me;
yet they're my only source of light,
and I choose to compromise;

It's left me with nothing,
but your rusted blood on my tongue
and these shadows formed on the wall,
by your electric blue flesh...

I'm tired, dearest
...your fumbling silence hurts me-
maybe another drop of ******,
will bring you back to life.

In some light
you were grey.
The mellow cast wrecks
what I've forgiven.
I loved you, I love you.
There are no birds, no half-
mouthed cliches, how?
I've died and I've died without
hatred, apathy.

In the morning
I kissed your cheeks and I loved you,
I love you.  I open my hands and there
is only air.
I've swallowed my own yellow, my
own bouquet of mental *******
dressed all in pillowcases grey
wishing you'd lay over me, skin over skin
and whisper
I love you, I love you
into the shallow curves of my neck and ears.

Hours. Back. Tideless extreme. Gaunt. Happy face, good luck, forever ago. A go-go. Breakfast. Preference. Slip stream mock tidal bliss. Humpback seal stardom, infinite provocative immortal. Catches me. In between the teeth. Cool, Mach 3. Sumptuous extravagant human meat, flesh game. The flesh game. Heroes air-freight. Wash cloth. Hot breaths. 'ths' and plastic bag I-280 North ***** and sudatorium.

Pick a pepper.
Cow Palace.
Moth ***** and mouth *****.
Tea bags and sore throats.
Presumptuous candid                                            story-telling anomalies, trite

/masterful caustic limping brick-pedaling life-goers in major metropolis wearing leather sandals, whistling\

Whistling deep cavernous chasm bellowing hollowing, in out in out arithmetic.
        
                                                                                        Sand gathers boulders.

Women gather warmer wethers. The weathered. That ton. One of the asinine                                        

                                                        and aesthete.

Curious. Before
clause. The story god.
                                                        The kick of Achilles

                 and the Satan prance. Bleat of the squeeze.
                                        Course set. Picking up the pieces and going spelunking. French maid syndrome. Wan. Wielding the anatomical dollar of the "this-just-didn't-work" childhood.

                                                                                                Wears gloves. Has colds.

Breaks molds, and reads fortune cookies.

Limps                            lifeless, heavy as a Tuesday and digging its own grave. It owns gray. It

makes
meals
and carries them through broken towns,
over smoky ridges,
helping out and just- helping.

The line wakes it.                                        One traffic light.   Three thousand three hundred lakes.

Steals a cell phone. Goes quiet for days in the forest.

Kills a wild pig. Bares a feral hog.

Opens up a can of sour condensed milk and still makes caramels. The open fire. The children gasping and favoring the brave. The score is limitless.



Hours go by.

                                                        ...    ­                                      ...

                      ­                    ...

                                        ­                                            ...

Mites dig into the skins, and the shins of the subtle. The men come back. The palm fronds make excellent roofs. Raised. Reared. Canned food makes abhorrent constipation forest dwelling; syndrome. And excrement. The crowns carry over.

The bejeweled mid-rim equator

                                                               ­                                                 providence.


Ki­ng and queen.
Prince and princess. Knees bend and over and over. Mirthy trammeled lots. Egg white clouds scurry through towns scurrying through. The bastion wall. A romance connecting. Two lovers. The lot. A burrow in the ground. Short-haired hares: run, jump, skip. Life settles. No one comes back. The skin starts to itch. Gratitude is and is not. Worry steps in. The chimes glow through the rorschach tree tops. Fires and combustion. Great oversized bells. Who hears the ringing?

The canopy overcome with splinters, the eyebrows are furnaces that never spit out the light.

Spectacular plight. Unbelievable nights. Feeling fowl in the palms of another                                                        
                                                                        land where weirs and wilds
and roaring waterfalls
                                                decorated with cowards collecting honey
                                                                                                              combs
through hair-strainers, so brave    soo brave, to brave, to hunter-gatherer
African mission-syndrome types in white long coats and sometimes and dangerously called doctors. Do not stop for lines. Do not stop for lions. Or

                        when stuck in the cauldron of the c t a         & cia

do not weave heavily through traffic, railing divorce into the cellular phone of man        . NO ZHE DOES NOT. NO.

No one eats, anymore.
The pleasure is moved.
The happy have landed.
The girl of my dreams is foretelling, foretold. She climbs into a lunchbox and heads to work. She digs her nails into her skirt and chimes for dinner.

All is sentimental and elementary. No one is everyone. There is something human in the air.

Something cumin in the water. I love in French in English. In Germanic.

I'm in the water. Feet stuck in the mud. Hands flailing, I'm naked contemplating making shark moves, one hand flat-out, vertical, putting on a show for ducks and swallows.

The women return. The girls come back. Catastrophe and the merriment of the seven deadly fellows.

I run around Sue
and move back.                         I come to the coast to see what's the matter. It's blue. A cinder blanketed snow home. An igloo. An ice tale of curiosity, of  

                two cities, twisted cities. Mad dragons and weirder wizards that rear silver and portage the weirs of Elk Grove, thru the elk homes
humming bizarre cantatas, making Raspberry jellish and relishing

inthelast
lightsofthemorning

of an

interruption. The wanton exercise. The carnivorous machismo.
We work out with our quirks out and lead with the flaws. A tailored finite saw. A ringing through the air. Who can hear the ringing?                

Makes the men to swine, to mew muses. And get choosy on cabooses while

saving Moose.

                                                  maybe like Salvatore Dali would have done

He would halve none of it and brim over with it all.
Make cape flight from coastal waters. Riding the thermal winds of

North Africa, Tomato, and Japan;                              

BEARDEDfrogOFprinceGENEALOGYneededTOO     ...  ...  ... ....  .. . . ... ..

To sew buttons. To bring the water from the well. The shrimp from the levy. We all go to war on Sundays. We hate on Tuesdays,





but the women never come with the water.


                         [now you're supposed to ask if they keep it for themselves]

sad-leis         'end nose.'

I can't but we can. You don't and I hate you for it.

I smell you on socks

                                                          ­                          .On pillowcases and bullet casings. I'm hot and hard to handle. I lay down in front of forklifts trying to bulldoze shopping malls. I am too and too sentimental. I have a 25¢ ring from a vending machine. I love it. I love you. I go to the bottom room. Blue carpet. **** carpet. Tilted blinds. I find the moors and the heaven. I put my books and a sweater in a sack and I start moving. No ones ever seen me move like this. It's like I had revolution for breakfast. I sip a small glass of orange juice. Orange colored juice. I'm off like a stereo and walking through and through up into a story. I'm making life easy with my purple crayon. I draw a canyon and a boat too. The boat can't float so I draw myself an ocean, a coastline. I call out for my friends and no one is there, so I draw friends. I draw the seashore, the plateau. I make other ships. I shift in my seat, it's uncomfortable so I make it leather. I write a letter but it flies away with a pigeon. I'm stuck on a peninsula, crying. On the front step of a friend's tenement and I'm sobbing. I'm waiting for the waif and she's not coming. I think her over with coffee all alone in a diner, and eventually I have to leave. I trail like an autumn sun, splashing bits of earth with my tepid light. I plash in the sea and still I'm very alone. I run my fingers through my hair and find a find a crown to make myself king. I'm heir to my own home, but it's not good enough. It never was. I grow curiouser and curiouser. I don't know what to do, I'm without. I'm without use. Eight months on top of six years, on top of the second floor of a third floor building, it's hot, and I'm locked out, I'm fighting off weakness and indecision. I'm starving and I haven't eaten in days. I'm confused and the ******* seems the rite. I've got no one to call and I start swimming. I start swimming in circles. I get verbal. I start crawling and drawling and soon I'm weeping in a brutal drawl. And I can't hear you. And all I have is the coastline and the ocean, a plateau,

a yacht club full of empty vessels. A flotilla of friends but there's


eh                                                            ­                        eve             nobody home.

And I see you. I meet you. I mean to meet you. But I can't. I can't move or be moved. I can't speak or be made to speak. I am gripped by your love and yet wrapped in fear. In the rapture of fear. Its rancor grips me. So I stand up. I'm halved and naked and half naked. In the sea. And I see you.

And I seem you, to me. I seam you to me.

the novelty fades
along with the glamour
sprinkling down like a cheap glitter shower
a spring shower;
soft
creeping along your hairline with the smell of light lilacs in a secret garden
dribbling wonderfully through a greasy scalp
one of the most ****** showers that’ll take place for a while
leaving loose indentations and wet feet and a swirling drain clogged with six years of hair
i should have thrown myself a line
now there’s just stale-smelling rooms and a lost little creature
rich in words
shallow in talent
its mouth is a river and help help it’s drowning

my head’s turned to mush and my heart’s turned to stone
i'm a rock caught between the spokes of your bike
twirling and whirling my hair brushes the ground with the bumpity-bump-bump of each rise and fall
it's hot down here, so close to the pavement
worms are frying, they better watch out,
or the rubber sole of a midnight wanderer will eat them right up

also your feet stink I would wash your shoes if I were you 

i wish i wish i wish i wish
i wish i could make words fly from my tongue and spin worlds and not cower from the unseen
i wish i could melt through carpet and slip through cracks in the concrete
i don't want to be anymore
being is hard
i would be satisfied with a nonexistence
no more bridges to burn or heads to crack
no more bleeding eyes and empty shampoo bottles that cost too much and run out too early
no music that will get old
no glasses that will drain themselves
no more trying to fix something that isn’t there
no more pathetic musings
no more tear-stained pillowcases and forced laughter through one-way glass
goodbye persona 182
you were beautiful while you lasted

Five AM.

Dawn is the one remnant of the 1800s left in all of us - the weather. And even that disappears quickly. The pockets of morning stuck between you and me, between this car, and that car, and Dawn's Appalachian highway slipping itself in between the SLEX and the sky take your breath away and slip past consciousnesses like faint dreams. You snap awake. ****** reminder that it's already

Five AM.

Faint strains of rooster crow and traffic whistle keeping you up despite your desire to sleep. This bus ride is meant for sleeping, rather. Your teammates lean on pillowcases shifting hues from black to gray to light pink to faint orange. You stare quietly out the ever shifting window. Somehow your eyes keep track of the streaks of light running alongside it. Somehow you're awake even if it's just

Five AM.

The sky is the one part of our cities that isn't yet covered in *******. Outlines of shantytowns and exhaust smoke belching smokestacks and piggeries and overpriced skyscrapers provide platforms for the sun's pink rays to shine upon but still it rises above it. With it. Through it. Over and around. Sunset mornings that glow with an innocent hue. Some say Apollo preferred the form of a young boy whenever he'd come down to Earth. Makes for easier running, I guess. The roads look wider at

Five AM.

The sky is the one part of our cities that isn't yet covered in *******. The time it takes for one photon of light to hit the surface of the Earth is eight minutes. Light is far. Light is distant and twisted and radiant. Light provides surface for the sky - paints the floors of heaven by which we gaze upon with bleary eyes and pray to. God walking on our ceilings. Humans knocking on our floors. Alarm clocks reminding me it's just

Five AM.

It's just

Five AM.

fold the ventricle to the right
the pulmonary to the left
the wrinkled capillaries need to be ironed
pillowcases of vessels need to be thrown in the wash
take one last whiff of his scent
before he's just another sheet in the laundry
***** laundry
clean of heartache

Tick tock tick tock.
"When will my breath stop?"
Apparently not appropriate conversation to make at my family gathering.

The chicken is delightful. Would you give me the recipe? (murmurs of agreement around table)

"I wasn't kidding. I avoid pools, yoga and beautiful people that take my breath away so I don't have to deal with slight fluctuations in my oxygen intake!"

The table was set up perfectly by the kids, don't you think? Granted they forgot the wine glasses! (adults chuckle)

"I can't help but imagine those pillowcases in our chests that expand occasionally, as if rotating fans face them. It's an obsession of mine!"

Oh I think Johnny's about to fall asleep! Is there a guest bed room I can let him rest in? (assistance follows)

"Why won't you listen! When I take off my T-shirts, I count down and gulp the air before pulling the fabrics off, out of fear of being found dead, half-naked due to suffocation."

Oh Laurie I really shouldn't have dessert, I'm trying to watch my weight, but let me help you bring it out? (chattering of women on the way to the kitchen)

"Don't you know that I carry both an oxygen tank and an assortment of plants and trees wherever I go. I insert the tubes or the vines into my nose so that even when I'm gone my lungs may never stop rising."

(speaker dies the next day in car crash)

My heart is a messy place
I don't clean up often
My emotions lay about like worn jeans and pile up at every corner
Murky tears that were long bemoaned
Lay inside my pillowcases long after they have dried
And make heavy a light thing where my thoughts reside
Shadowy folks have  unmade beds  
Though long beparted
And declared dead
Many things that was once fresh
Have now grown brown reached their Autumn
They still roam the halls and vents
Like after tastes of mint long after the in scents have burnt
Every possible surface is stained with faces
Shelves are stacked and layered and stuffed
And though I rummage for space
There is never enough
Not for an ant
Or a hand
Or a new thing
Just room enough for me
And this big old mess of memories

wishing on stars that only stare back
sitting on abandoned railroad tracks
staring at the blinding moonlight
wishing on the distant city lights
straying a bit too far away
talking with intensifying heart flames

a stomach filled with bitter things
hanging out at the abandoned swings
falling asleep with the tv on
knowing that he's already gone
sleeping on tear-soaked pillowcases
trying to feel the old embraces

looking at the infinite ceiling
nights spent with prayers, kneeling
creating conversations that work your way
watching your once red roses start to decay
ruffled book pages and messy photo albums
contemplating over living in an asylum

no matter how much different nights you spend
your heart still seems like it couldn't be mended
no matter how much you try to push these thoughts aside
you'll still be left with a broken chest and teary eyes
you only wish to bid these bitter things away
but no matter how much you try, these empty nights still stay

You're the kind of boy I cant tell my mother about, because she warned me not to fall for guys like you. I guess she didn't warn me enough because oh did I fall for you. She didn't warn me that you would leave & everything I've come to know would be complete & utter *******. She didn't warn me that I would see you on the street with a new girl, & I'd go home and cry for 3 days. She didn't warn me that mascara is so ******* hard to get out of pillowcases. & she didn't warn me that no matter what I do, you still don't want me. But she did warn me not to fall for you, & next time, I think I'll listen to my mother.

Hand-me-down novels with bent corners

Piles of clothes and towels scattered on the carpet

Food stains on flowery bed sheets and blue pillowcases

A broken lamp on a single night stand

Gray suitcases filled with evening gowns

Closet mirror covered with fingerprints

Charging electronics underneath the bed

Popcorn ceiling and smooth beige walls

No clocks, no monsters, no tooth fairies, and no memories

It's rather....*practical

Polly strips back the sheets
where Master George has lain.
She folds the white sheets and
lays them on a chair. She lies

her head on the pillow where
his head has been. She sniffs
and smells him. Closing her eyes
she imagines she’s there beside

him and he has her in his arms,
his lips against her flushed cheek.
She imagines they are in bed
together when dawn’s light breaks

through the shutters and Susie
the other maid enters and wide
eyed she mouths a huge round O.  
She opens her eyes; the pillow

is vacant beside her head, just
a small indentation where he had
laid his head the night before.
She fingers into the pocket of her

white apron a few black hairs she’s
discovered on the white pillowcase.
She strips off the pillowcases and
puts them with the sheets. The bed

is now stripped of all coverings
and is left to air. She imagines as
she stands that he is still there,
laid out unclothed, skin all bare.

But in reality she knows he has
gone of to war as he has before.
She hopes he will return alive
and in one piece; no missing

limps or blind or gassed as some
have been she’s read; but most of all
she dreads him laid out cold and damp
in some foreign field lying still and dead.