I grew up
As a medicine cabinet
I thought I had it in me
To fix them
The “everyone”s
The “everything”s
Now,
I’m older
And wiser to the fact
That god gave me wrists
And man made knives
And how the two
Can go on the sweetest honeymoon
I was given a throat
Which cannot fully wrap itself
Around the deteriorating state
Of my mind
My words come out gargled
I’m learning to wash them down
With the pills
I guess
I am a medicine cabinet
After all.

this is my body
all awkward limbs & jagged frame
a mountain of bones
arranged haphazardly around wooden joints
i didn't want to be a “real boy”
but i didn't want to be a real girl either
i wanted to be a beach ball
or a kite
now my throat is a chimney
my lungs are a fire
& i don’t care who’s between my legs
as long as they spread me
like bible pages
that’s to say,
i don’t believe in god
unless i’m getting nailed
or writing boys eulogies in my underwear
the way i draw maps on my skin
to where the wild things went
i think monster in the closet
is synonymous with my coming out of it
skeletons and all
clinging to me
like dream catchers
full of expectation
that got caught in their nets
that’s why i take
"proceed with caution"
signs so seriously
and i do,
i do at night when i am alone
far from home
& scared that my gay is showing
i do
when boys want more
than to just split me in two
& leave both halves of me
draped over the bed
i do
when it comes to loving him
so unconditionally
that my heart feels like
the only muscle in my body
with any fight left
this is my body
it’s bent & broken
with anxieties
but it is mine.

boy, i love the way
you make me arch my back
you bend me like a bridge
& how do bridges stay up, anyway?
that’s one of the million things
i just don’t know
like how
you curl me like a sunset
it’s always dark when we kiss
but i long to see you
in the sunrise
forget kissing in the rain
i wanna feel you on my skin
like a thousand sun rays
or how there’s a science
to the way you part your lips
when we kiss
like it’s a secret you can hardly keep
or why in those moments
i don’t feel ***** or little
or why,
when it comes to the spring cleaning
of my cluttered life
i can never decide
if i’m trash or treasure
so i hang myself somewhere in between
like a lonely t-shirt on a washing line
what i mean to say is
i just want to ******* HANG OUT WITH YOU
boy,
if bridges can stay up
why can’t we?

i
have felt more honest touches
from straight boys
honestly telling me
i am honestly worth nothing
they treat me like a ***** magazine
they get so much pleasure
from tearing open my spine
i am a centre-fold
of ****** lips & bruised eyes
there's only so much
my staples can take
how can i feel safe,
when bricks don't build homes
but instead fly towards me
with labels like "******"
from the mouths of boys
who don't have the *****
to put on a ball gown
and throw their stilettos
at homophobic policemen
on hot summer nights
you wanna talk about fights?
i know what it's like
to french kiss
your "oh-so-british" fist
so don't talk to me
about equality
until i don't have to walk the streets at night
with my keys between my fingers
expecting the worst,
always.

the only knot i tie
is the one in the thread
i use to stitch you a smile
see,
i'm not saying i want you forever
i just want you in the moment
your mouth curls up
at me
boy, i call that smile a library
'cause i want to know
every word you've ever uttered
so come at me
with all your pages
& i'll fill every "to-do" list
i ever write
with your name
over and over
you know,
i can't run a mile
without tripping
or gasping for breath
but i'd lap
your marathon skin
til we both
reach that finish line
that's to say,
i'm not looking to make you mine
i'm not,
i just want to feel your frequency
vibrating around me
i'll let you untie the knots
in my stomach
if you let me climb inside your heart
till it's covered
in stretch marks
boy i just love the risk
of kissing your cigarette lips
with my flammable chest
so light me
& i'll spread around you
like a forest fire
my burning bark
is worse
than your charred bite
but if there's one thing
i know for sure
it's that i'd let you burn me
i'd let you
burn
me.

the second i spotted you
in your barista uniform
i knew,
i wanted to wipe the coffee grounds
from your face
while you bend me over
your periodic table
& join together
our celestial bodies
boy,
come study my astronomy
for one night
you could see my galaxy
in the night sky
so feel the pull
of my gravity
'cause you know
we have
*******
chemistry.

pop music tells us
"listen to your heart"
but all i know is
my heart beats
ten times faster
when i see your face
i don’t know what the **** that means
see, i don’t speak in beats
i already trip & fall
over my native tongue
and i don’t think vital organs
come with translators
i look to my hands
for answers
but what use are my fingers
when they've dropped everything
i’ve ever tried
to cling on to
when you smile at me
my skin breaks out
into a rash
to remind me
that my allergies include
grass, dust, anxiety
and pretty boys
just like you
i have to tell my legs
that no matter
how hard they look
they will not find yours
in the depths
of this bed
but they keep searching
for something
to wrap around
see,
i talk to my body about love
because it has the sweetest memories
of your skin
so when it whispers
of your fingerprints
i can’t help
but listen.