i'll watch your eyes when you are speaking,
to ensure your love is true
'cause i'm a hopeless overthinker
and that's simply what we do.

i will recall our conversations,
analyse the things you say
'cause i'm a hopeless overthinker
and i guess that's just our way.

i'll hold your hand when you are lonely
learn your dreams and heartaches too
'cause i'm a hopeless overthinker
hopelessly in love with you.

Dear diary,
I just can't explain the amount of thoughts that I have daily!,
that continuous mind charter that I have daily....!
I'm filled with thoughts, every minute, and every second of my life.

My mind just keeps switching from one thought to another,
& The amount of day dreaming....
well!!!
you know my silly screaming ??!!!

Sometimes, they are really funny!
And they keep making me smile,
so that I keep glowing!
But some thoughts...,,,
They are really too dark,
That ,when I confront them,
it breaks my heart apart!!

I'm like a confused soul,
who's in search of meaning of life...
Who's in search of peace ,
Who's in search of shine!
But the moment I start thinking,
ugh!!!My head starts cracking!!
I just can't concentrate on one particular thing !

Today, if I feel like being a doctor,
Tomorrow I might think of being an engineer,
& If today I feel like being an accountant,
Tomorrow I might feel like,
" I just need an Oscar...!"

An Oscar for what??
I don't know ...!!!
It's sounds too cool and looks good to show !

Will I work for that award?...
honestly, I don't know !
I'm so lazy,
I don't even get up to "shoo" a crow !

But hey!...there's one amazing part about me,
Guess what ?
"Anyone can come and speak to me."

Being an overthinker,
has also opened up my mind,
I don't form immediate opinions,
till I get a clear sight !


I really don't know this journey of thoughts well??!!!
Will it ever be stable ?
Will it ever end ?


But ...If it ends,
I'll die for sure,
But hey!,
I'm sure there is some way to cure!

Which way?
Hey !...I don't know again !
Is that way gonna be simple
or another amazing pain!

But hey hey hey!!! I don't know why did I write this ?!
Was I trying to find a solution
or was encouraging my thoughts already  in a continuous motion?!


But hey!,
it's ok if you're an overthinker,
Try to be amazing my friend,
even if nothing is clear!

Don't lie to an overthinker
You don't know how it kills
To lay in bet at night
And think about those things
I thought you told the truth
But things just don't add up
And what am I to do
When this is so messed up
I lay here till the sunrise
I went to bed at nine
It's been like seven hours
And you're still on my mind
I overthink these things
I know that it's not good
But I am not the one who made
Those thoughts become my truth
So do not lie to an overthinker
You won't help them survive
Truth hurts and that's a fact
But lies will only lead to die

on that night
with winter
winds,
hums,
and miserable
breeze,
there he sat,
his eyes
wandering
from right to left
up and down
all around
corners to corners
branching
a thought
to another
a note
to a song
a word
to a poem.

him with his
glances,
stands
and built,
under that
moonlit sky
with starlights,
air filled with
warmth and
frost,
i witness his
cries,
heard his tears,
felt his fears.

i became
an overthinker
from worrying
about the other.

I'm a overthinker.
I over think every possible way for everything.
Same goes for when I love someone.
I over think every possible way
in the worst scenarios
why I shouldn't be with them.
Because I'm scared of getting hurt.
But even after all that
I have chosen you
then imagine how much I love you
that no matter how much I over think
every situation seems stupid
knowing that in the end
I'll have you by my side

My thoughts, they conquer
I don't believe your words anymore
My thoughts win again

I see everything.
And yet,
I still feel blind.

The world is too uncertain for us to be sure of anything. Personally I don't think there is an absolute truth. There I said it. Take me away Nietzsche, I'm with you on this one. We are all so different, all so set apart in our unique, frail and wicked mortality. To have one single frame of existence is debilitating. If this difference is so telling of our humanity then why the hell do we have truth? To what purpose? To contain and unite us despite our individuality? Suppose the truth is given this way: A newborn and a goat are expected to survive with just a small patch of grass. Which of the two gets more chance of survival and existential fulfillment? How can that be when those two are apples and oranges? Their circumstances are so opposite. How is life supposed to be fair to the newborn? I am not saying that life is fair because hell it is far from it. But do we accept that unfair principle or make our lives a little better?  Will his happiness be on that grass as well? Of course not. So he looks for new ways to be happy. He has his own truth.

To this end, I have questioned everything from my faith, to myself, to people, to science even. Life grows along with time and so are our realities. This is why these past few months I've been contradicting myself to the point of thinking I've gone mad. But the fact is I've grown from these experiences of letting my two polar opposites meet. It is honestly scary when these inner voices start jabbing at you like pointed needles.I am a walking contradiction and my mind is a maze of paradoxes and questions with no answers. Eventually, I got used to this mentally exhausting activity. When something entirely different from what I believe be it an opinion, an idea, or a controversy) speaks up in my face I've learned to accept them not as the truth but as possibilities that could very well be right or wrong. I will never be always right.

People are so used to the concept of certainty that we have altogether ignored the existence of possibility. Or the gray area to which simply no one end exists. I realized that we are all predisposed to find answers, to hang on to some sort of explanation to a world so phenomenally ungraspable. It is to the detriment of our open mindedness enough for us to fabricate truths which may very well be coverups for the all too universal fear of the unknown. We are afraid of floating in the ambiguous nature of our lives that we'd rather correct this with assumptions.

Will it ever stop?
The words ricocheting in my head.
The pain.
My migraine.

It doesn't stop.
words rushing in the mind,
is like adrenaline at the heart.

I beg you to stop.
I plead for mercy,
For thou hast not unlocked lips,
raised a hand nor pestered with gods will.

Yet I barely stand,
merely a generic man.
Perhaps this is gods plan?
There it goes again...
Am I mad?

Why thou mind,
poison all that nurtures it?
It is unfortunate that our hearts cannot yield without it.

sometimes you want to point a gun in your head...

cause you want it all to end...

Memory goes
where endless stretches of plains –
in ochre, beige, cocoa, tan and brown,
touch clear azure horizons,
cows drift like freckles on land,
limitless university; expand,
take ownership of homes
belonging to others, a broken record
of history repeating—
images create images
one takes the place of another,
whispered voices
in depths of night where
only prayer is truly welcomed...
come into this sea
of regret, this ocean of desire
when is the right time
to cry out in despair
beg an answer
or need warmth that comes
only from a smug
knowledge of righteousness
and power.

When you have limited chances,
What do you do?
Do you just let it slip?
Or do you thank God for it?

A wise person would definitely,
Not let it slip,
But would take the chance,
Grab it, the second it showed up.

I would be the wise person,
That's how much I value,
The chances that we can have.
It seldom comes, darling.

But what would you do?
Would you be the wise person?
Or would you let it run through
Your head over and over?

Over and over,
Until the chance is gone.
Again and again,
A never ending weighing of things.

Thinking is good,
But as other people say,
Sometimes you need not use your head,
Try using your heart.

Feeling extra nervous, when my phone battery hits
forty-four. Feeling low at the half points of my soul,
Train of thoughts burning all of the last coals. Fossil fuels,
going into being extinct. Less than active when I take so
long to blink. So over a thought, but only after I over think.

Did I set that alarm, the daily one I always check before bed.
“I hope tomorrow I don’t wake up dead,“ hasn’t that phrase
been over said? Who really cares, and why do the corner eyes
of stranger’s have such awkward stares? Glares of my glaring
insecurities, usually when I’m treating my flaws with such cruelty.

Disciplinary, proceedings brought forth to the circles of self
beatings on my every worth. Could never describe myself with
just a single word. I’m bent over myself on a road of life, with
the longest curve.

Where am I heading, when it feels like seven seconds close to
Heaven. All the blessings in a straw nest of Christians still
nestling. Going against the world, and t.v. screen’s weaponry.
Bang, bang, boom! We cares about doom, just take it as nothing,
and quickly move.

Onto the very next thing, and trend. Do what the t.v. says,
playing the longest game of Simon says. Like wrestling bears.
That’s a very short fight of pulling hairs. Ha! Being bold to being
bald.

There I go again over thinking ahead of my next thought.
Butterfly fishing, for the wings of a wet slippery effect, I soon
never caught.

By the way, my phone is at forty-one. Rushing to put it on
charge all night for morning’s fun. It wasn’t charging at all.
Well, don’t I feel so dumb.

Sigh! The one time I didn’t choose to over think. Now I don’t
have the device to quickly dot down how I feel.

Being an over thinker is so real.

I often wonder what life really is
Maybe even too often

the often
predisposed
waiting times
bear more answers
than any time
spent thinking
too hard
about things,
and why
they are

Can you be honest with me, if your lying to yourself?

If others can silence you, why cant you silence yourself?

Do you trust me to think for myself?

More than you trust yourself
                                      
                                to speak for yourself?




Let me be in charge today

you're the difference in between of
what i think and what i say
you're the only one who's capable
to take my breath away
you're the shadow i remember
in the nights i stay awake
you're the last remaining victim
of the promises you make
you're the arrogant admirer
of your own self-righteous good
you're the shallow little dreamer
drowning in your lifeless blood
you're the hopeless overthinker
who can't hold a conversation
you're the absence in the thought
behind your insecure frustration
you're the joke behind the laughter
you're the end and yet the start
you're the one who i chase after
you're the thief who stole my heart.

At midnight
I'm still awake
Then I get you from my head
that always shake
And think that you are fake

My minds shut, insides ticking and about to erupt
I'm holding in all issues within
Wish my stubborn **** would just speak up
Nightmares in my cup, rolling on a bad dream
Walking alone with reality, my perception of you ain't what it seems
Ask "are you a human bein?"
Maybe he's still a villian..
Don't hide what you have inside, please...tell me your "true" feelings
As my ego remains in intense healing
With jokers I continue dealing.
Criticism as my decor, with old habits thrown on the floor
Clipped wings, so I jumped. Knowing ill plummet and never soar
Pushes becomes shoves
****, I've lost so much potential love.
By the way, I'm still a hopeless overthinker
Nothing has changed much.
But it has. I no longer feel I'm a spawn of my dad
I've grown into my potential
I can feel now what I couldn't reach
I listen to what people say
I no longer care to preach
I'm sorry to my uncle, I was lost without respect.
I apologize to my family, who never knew what was coming next
For my deception, lack of perception
I'm sorry to my ex.
With many words and few steps
I'm giving my all and nothing less
It's just so hard to improve your past
When people rarely saw your best.
With god by my side, I can't lose any fight
I will remain humble in my journey
I will help guide dark eyes to the light
I beg for the world to not quit, continue to doubt but learn to accept me.
It's not my family, it's not a woman, it's not my friends...I'm the only person who can reinvent me.

**Learning to enjoy life, if you work hard, it's okay to be proud
Excuse me for saying so much in a silent room...I was just thinking again...outloud.

A shifting plane of alternate realities

The waves in the ocean
The uncertainty of the collide

Peaceful for a few moments
Then back to the war of a lifetime

A maze of thoughts
That you try to outrun

A deep and thorough rot
Paralizying you
Keeping you in fear
Giving you glimpses of hope
Just for another wave to consume it

A day in the life
Of an overthinker.

In a lonely room; walls feeling like mirrors
in every empty corner.
Reflecting, on cringey moments,
points for past arguments. And of course, enjoying
the benefits of being the casual loner.

Pulling myself to the self doubts for tomorrow,
"will I wake up in the morning," the question
I have before I rest my head. I say a silent prayer;
and maybe try not to focus on death.
But instead, my focus is the pretty petty moments
of life; soon to fade like a flower.

The greatest overthinker when I'm all alone,
balancing insecurities, pleasure, and life's pressures.
Music of past songs, still ringing in my buzzing ears.
Phone full of playlists setting the mood for what face
I'm sleeping with tonight.
And wondering which one of my dreams I'm living to
be leaving for a successor.

Yes sir!

My mind alone; takes me further from home,
when I'm all alone.
So quiet in there, that you could drop a stone and
it would echo down to my soul. Entertaining the
crowd of shadows peeping through the window.
Tree branches digging into the walls, with my bed
in the middle.

I think about love, I wonder about hope.
I yearn for calm, I search for control.
I fight battles alone, I set my life's next goal.
I motivate my soul, and I push myself into being whole.

All of which happens in the dark room,
sitting on my own.

call me twisted,
but i’ve always admired a certain degree of controversy.
complexity is a dangerous beauty, like a hurricane -
admired from afar,
deadly up close.

my biggest fear was always photocopiers.
monotonous carbon copies, binge feeding
on Christmas music
and cold commercialized coffee.
simplicity was schematic,
intricacy was ******.

with a quivering hand and downcast eyes,
i clothed myself in these layers.
gift-wrapped, with a ‘danger’ sign as a gift card,
i became an enigma to myself.
diamond rings came with dark clouds,
locks and keys gave way to gun shots and bullet wounds.

fairytales were never meant for the 3-d world.
none of us are “fated” for a happy ending.
riding off into the sunset only comes with
hard work and hard lessons.

yes, i may still be an overthinker.
i may still have more thoughts than i have time
to put them in.
mundane things are still transfigured into
tainted, disfigured imitations
of insecurity, agonising and mental mutilation.

but it does not have to be this way.

pick up a pair of 2-d glasses.
you don’t have to see the world in technicolor.
sometimes monochrome lenses
do tinge the world
in shades of nostalgia, clarity, and hope.

peel off those layers.
you may cry, but cry of catharsis.
it may sting, but salt always does.
wear simplicity as your sail,
rose-tinted with trust and a silent knowing.
you may realise that what you were always looking for
was always right beside you.

I'm lazy
but only when I shouldn't be.
Why is the idea of running errands so paralyzing?
I pick and choose my battles
but most of the time, I choose wrong.
I get scared easily.
I lack courage, I lack strength.
I dwell
constantly, continuously, painfully dwelling on everything.
I can never muster up the courage to look at my reflection.
I love to poke and tease, playfully,
but it shatters my core when it is directed at me.
I'm an overthinker, but I will react without thinking.
I am sad often, when I don't have a right to be.
I forget sometimes, "each day is for the making"
and I drink too much coffee.

Things to be aware of when you date a overthinker :

One. They will always find the hard way around simple things. Two. They will always be worried about little things. Three. They have what if's for everything. Four. Leaving something behind is like the end of the world. Five. They worry about everything. Six. They'll try to fix what's wrong. Seven. They realize they can't fix it so they just forget it. Eight. But they can't forget it so they have to come back to it. Nine. This happens until they die. Ten. They won't let it go until it's fixed. Eleven. They say sorry a lot. Twelve. They can't sleep. Thirteen. Because they always have something to worry about. Fourteen. They don't like making big decisions. Fifteen. They regret almost everything instantaneously. Sixteen. Existential crises are everything. Seventeen. They will never forget an embarrassing moment. Eighteen. If you don't reply to them quickly, they'll think you're dead. Nineteen. They think of death all the time. Twenty. They plan out how they'll **** themselves if they ever did. Twenty one. Not just themselves, but other people too. Twenty two. They want to burn the planet if they get one thing wrong. Twenty three. They jump to conclusions.

My mind dissects each word you speak,
Like puzzle pieces, I must decrypt.
Each detail stowed and analysed,
Each contradiction memorised.
Your lies will always be uncovered,
As habits form, truth is discovered.
I'll turn your tales all day and night,
Until the pieces fit just right.
So spare yourself, I implore,
I will solve your messy jigsaw.

©️Lizzie Bevis