I should not look,
She is a girl,
And so am I,
But she is pretty.

He is hot,
I kinda like him,
But I may not,
For he is a boy like me.

A girl and a boy,
Both loved,
Not by eachother,
But by me.

I look in the mirror,
See a body,
But it is not me,
Just my (fe)male version.

It was in the earlier part of November, 2005 when I was called to the garrison HQ to receive an emergency Red Cross message informing me that my grandfather had passed away. I was in my third year of service as a direct contractor to the Army and my duty station was in Iraq. More specifically, I was at Tallil AFB near the city of An Nasiriyah. I was granted an emergency leave so that I could go back to the US to be with my family so I stowed my gear, packed my duffel and made the long trip home. This was the first time I would make this trip, but I’m getting ahead of myself so let me back up a bit. You see, my grandfather had served in the Second World War, actually both of them had. They were brothers. PFC Eddie Kassab, the one I’m speaking about here, had survived WWII through some pretty tough odds, including being on the third wave of the Normandy invasion at D-Day where thousands had died during the beach head assault. His brother, SFC Joseph Kassab, who married my grandmother, was killed in that war, He was a bombardier and his plane was shot down during the Guadalcanal campaign. It wasn’t until 27 years later that the wreckage of the aircraft and remains were found and recovered. When Joseph died leaving behind his young wife and new born son, Eddie began looking after her, sending home money for her and the boy, my father. They wrote back and forth to eachother after the dissappearance of Joseph and when he returned to the US after the war they courted and were eventually married. Joseph was laid to rest with the rest of his flight crew in Arlington with full military honors. Eddie, who died much later in life, was also afforded a military service there. That was my first time being in Arlington National Cemetery, a place reserved for men and women who had served their country in a military capacity. It is difficult to describe just how immense and powerful that place is, the impact you have on your life just from standing on those grounds is indescribable. If I had to try I would say it’s a mixed feeling of Honor, pride, sorrow, and a profound sense of loneliness. There are row upon row of white marble markers spanning miles of emerald green grass and broad shade trees. The markers themselves are simple, nothing fancy, but the respect they command is beyond contestation. There are also wall vaults for those who were cremated, one of these would become Eddie’s final resting place. The US Army's honor guard performed his service, while a trumpeter played “Taps” and his flag was folded and presented on behalf of a grateful nation to my father who Eddie raised as his own son. In the distance a 21 gun salute was given by seven riflemen firing three shots each. It would be the only time in my life that I saw my father cry. We took the time after Eddie’s service to walk to Joseph’s grave marker as well, passing thousands of other markers and I found myself wondering how many of these people were forgotten by the years. How many of them left behind young children. Were they killed in combat? How many of them were laid to rest with a grave full of unfulfilled dreams? The sacrifices they made weighed heavily upon me. It was a feeling I would carry with me long after I had left that place.
Years had passed and I found myself still working in Iraq for the US Army, I was stationed at Camp Taji this time, on the edge of Sadr City, a real dust bowl. I was in my eighth year of service when I was again called to Garrison HQ, another emergency Red Cross message had come through informing me that my Father had passed away. It was December 29th 2010. For hours afterward it felt as if I had been punched in the gut. I called my Mom as soon as I could to make sure she was ok and to see if there was anything she needed before making arrangements for yet another emergency leave. I again stowed my gear, packed my duffel and headed out. Now, it’s only fair to give you an idea of whom I’m talking about here, my Father, Jan, had been a Navy man and had been stationed on submarines as well as destroyer class ships during the Vietnam War. He signed up for service when he was just 18 years old and when he left the Navy he went directly into the Maitland Fire Department in central Florida and stayed there for many years. Eventually he expanded his training becoming the 80th paramedic in the state as well as a certified rescue diver and instructor. More importantly, he was a great father who raised two boys as a father should and later in life, he was a pretty good drinking buddy. His teachings and advice have helped me through some of the toughest times in my life. It was because of his prior military service that he was also awarded full military honors at Arlington National Cemetery. There was a waiting list of about 8 weeks at the time because of the high volume of casualties from the wars in the Middle East so it wasn’t until February of 2011 that he was finally laid to rest. This time it was the US Navy’s honor guard who performed his service. I remember it well; they stood in their dress whites throughout the ceremony in the biting cold as the wind whipped by mercilessly.  The honor and discipline in these men was no less than awe inspiring and through my sadness I couldn’t help but feel an amazing sense of pride for who my father was during his life. We all stood as a trumpeter again played “Taps” to the folding of my Father’s flag which was presented to my Mom on behalf of a grateful nation after a 21 gun salute was ordered in the distance. My Father’s remains were also placed in a wall vault that became his final resting place; his marker being only about 20 feet from Eddie’s marker in the adjacent wall and even though it was freezing that day, we took a little extra time to visit Eddie and Joseph again. Walking the grounds of that place again awakened all the feelings I had felt the first time, probably even more so. Again, I have to tell you that words couldn’t accurately describe how that place makes you feel. The grass had turned brown by now but was still immaculately manicured, and the precision placement of the grave markers was flawless. There were thousands of names that dated all the way back to the American Civil War. I went also with my brother to pay my respects at the tomb of the Unknown Soldier. It was an impressive mausoleum that is guarded twenty four hours a day by the US Army’s horror guard.  After it was all said and done and we had left Arlington and met as a family, my Mom, my Brother and his family, myself and my family and some close friends to remember him for a while over some food and drinks, and though nobody seemed to really have any appetite we still stayed there for hours. That was the first time in eight years that I had seen my Brother and would be the last time I saw him alive, but that part comes later. Eventually we said our goodbyes and went our separate ways, each having a very long way to travel back home and I had to get ready to go back to Iraq, heavy hearted or not.
I had only been back in theater (that means deployment) for a few months when I was reassigned to Al Asad AB as my permanent duty station. It was a place in the middle of nowhere and was originally a Marine base but transferred to Army and Air Force some time in 2010. I had made some good friends there, settled in and finally started coming back to myself when I received a message from my brother’s wife asking me to call her, said it was important. Thinking back on it now, I remember feeling a little angry that she wouldn’t tell me on email. Internet I had in my room, but a phone…well I’m no general and I had already settled in for the night. It was about 21:30 hrs. (9:30 p.m.) on a night in late July so I got dressed and made the quarter mile walk to my office where I could use the phone, cursing under my breath the whole time. It took me about 20 minutes just to find my phone card in my cluttered desk drawer, but when  I finally did amongst more unsavory mutterings I made the call. She answered quickly enough but her voice sounded strained so I calmed down and asked her what was going on, I figured something wasn’t right so she didn’t need me jumping her case on top of it. It was then that she told me my Brother’s body had been found in his home in Whiteville NC. He had been having a hard time with depression since our Father passed as well as marital problems and he had made the decision to take his own life at the age of 36 leaving behind his Wife, Stepson and Daughter who was only 5 at the time. I was blindsided to say the least, no one saw this coming, and he left no real reason as to why so there still is no closure, no understanding. I was angry… no, I was furious! But I’m getting ahead of myself again. She had called me not only to inform me of what had happened, but also to ask if I had Mom’s phone number because she didn’t have it and didn’t know how to get in touch with her to tell her. I told her not to worry about it and that I’d take that on my shoulders and get back to her. It had only been five months since we laid our Father to rest and to say I dreaded making that phone call was a ridiculous understatement. It was easily one of the toughest things I ever had to do, but it had to be done all the same so I dug Mom’s number out of my wallet…and stared at it…I don’t know how long but it felt like a long time. What else could I do? What could I say? It’s not like I had an instruction booklet for delivering bad news and this was as bad as it gets. After a few deep breaths I dialed her number and decided to take the direct approach. She answered the phone and we exchanged hellos, and I asked her what she was doing. She was out shopping with Robbie at the Tractor Supply Co. He was a longtime family friend and all around good guy. I told her that I had some pretty bad news and asked if she could find a place to sit down there, but she told me it was ok to just tell her what happened so I did exactly that. I gave her all the information I had at the time, I didn’t know how to sugar coat it so I didn’t. She took it pretty well up front, not breaking down until later that evening. My Brother, SPC Troy Kassab, had enlisted in the US Army with our Father’s permission when he was only 17 years old. He was a combat medic assigned to Ft. Carson in Colorado before transferring to the 82nd Airborne Division in Ft Brag NC. He deployed to Cuba among other deployments overseas before being attached to a Ranger Unit as their medic and doing other deployments that he never would talk about much. After the army he lived in NC where he worked in restaurants while attending school on the G.I bill and volunteering on the Hickory Rescue Squad as an EMT. He eventually completed school in Winston Salem NC where he got his PA degree in general practice. Troy was a self-educated, brilliant man who wasn’t perfect but who is? He saved lives in the Army, and then continued to do so in the civilian world until his death in July of 2011. He was a husband and a father, a brother and a friend. He was important to us. It was because of his past in the Army that he also was awarded full military honors at Arlington National Cemetery. This time the wait was much longer and his funeral wasn’t held until November 15th of 2011. I remember that day and the days leading up to it like it was yesterday. I had ended my deployment in Iraq on November 3rd, making it back to the US on November 6th. From the time of his death I had stayed in contact with Mom and his wife Andi to make sure they were ok and help in any way I could with the affairs and expenses. When I finally did get home I pulled my truck out of storage had it inspected, fueled and ready to go. It was unfortunate, but my wife was in college and had work at the time so she couldn’t come with us so my daughter and I made the long trip from Houston TX to Hickory NC to see Troy’s wife and kids. While I was there I also picked up a close family friend of ours who needed a ride and made the long drive to Arlington VA...again. The US Army’s honor guard met us there to perform his service and again the attention to detail, the respect given to the deceased, and the discipline shown was flawless. There were more friends this time than family in attendance but I was there with Mom, Robbie, my daughter, and some very close family friends, some going all the way back to our childhood. The ceremony was the same, every time the same. I remember thinking I hated the way “Taps” sounded as they folded the flag and I was angry and hurt when I stepped forward to claim my Brother’s remains and walk them to the wall vault that would become his final resting place. I have to say though, that through my grief and anger, I was a little bit pleased to see that he was placed so close to my Father and Grandfather. I left a pair of my own dog tags in his vault, it made me feel better that he wouldn’t be alone in there. I guess it doesn’t make a lot of sense now but at the time it did.  I stood over his marker and said a silent prayer before heading out to see Dad, Eddie and Joe’s markers and pay some respects. The grass was that brilliant emerald green again, and the sense that I stood in a place of honor reserved for our nations fallen still struck me through the heart.  After that we just kind of faded away from that place making our way home. Troy’s wife Andi had decided not to come, she was angry, she felt betrayed and abandoned, so on my way home I stopped back in Hickory NC, dropped off Michelle and made the drive to Andi’s house to present her with Troy’s flag as it had been presented to me. I remember hoping that her decision wouldn’t leave her with later regrets, but it was too late to change it now. The drive home was a long one, one that rekindled so many unanswered questions. Three generations of my family laid to rest leaving me as the only surviving male member of my family; something that still weighs upon my heart today.
But this is their story, and though it seems a sad one, that is not its intent. This story was written so that you the reader could understand that there is a place where over a hundred thousand Josephs and Eddies, and Jans and Troys are resting.  Each one of those stone crosses and stars have a face, a name, a history, and they made a sacrifice for you and for me. They were people who gave up their futures so that we could have one. They were people who had dreams, families, and who put all of that aside for what they believed in. They weren’t perfect people, but they deserve to be remembered. If you do nothing else after reading this, at least take the time to think about the freedoms that you have, freedoms that have cost us so much…

why can't family be family again
we used to always be friends
we used to huddle together
whenever we got scared
we felt the warmth in one anothers arms
because we knew the love was there

we used to build forts out of whatever we had in our rooms
and wage sars
throwing pillows, books, and brooms

we used to have mini mosh pits
with just the four of us
we headbanged and pushed
we screamed and pretended to cuss

we used to protect eachother
we used to defend one another
we used to stand together like brothers and sister
when mom punished us we would all resist her

we used to be a family
a family that would always care
we used to be a family with more happiness than despair
we used to be a family that never hogged food or air
we used to be a family that told eachother we were there

we used to be a family
a family that sat down toghether and ate
we used to be a family full of our own ideas that we create
we used to be a family that got along without debate
we used to be a family with more love than hate

so why can't family be family again
and remember why those times were so good
why can't family be family again
and treat eachother the way we should

why can't family be family again
and throw the hate away
why can't family be family again
and invite the love to stay

Have you ever dated a butterfly ?
A butterfly who wings been  grounded by lies,sin, adultery and broken promises.

A grounded butterfly whose wings ripped apart from a monstrous ant.

The butterfly stayed realizing its wings will never grow but it loved that ant for pleasures  that won't fill the soul but just entice the body.

One day  that butterfly did try to fly again but no wings and it found itself by mere coincidence in the nest of  a growing dragonfly.

The dragon fly too was hurt and found itself wingless doing anything to forget it couldn't fly.

One day the butterfly and dragonfly came to be one together to ease the pain and to give the love the other deserves both too soon not ready but it's great, good and **** right horrible days.

But over time through mistakes and lies.
The dragonfly past vices caught up to it and little did the butterfly know it had baggage too it was fighting though wrong it tried to hide it but made things worse.

More time passed and struggles and misfortunes continued; it  became apparent to the butterfly tired of being grounded it saw the dragonfly as species it cant intermix with.

They fought mentally against eachother only while hurting deep inside, the dragonfly too became more devoided and hidden but secretly it wanted to help bring the wings back to the butterfly.  But after being dishonest the butterfly came to see it as a no good liar and cheat too.

A simple mistake it made and it hangs over something it never did but the die was cast, a created persona made from pain and hurt.
Truth is till this day that dragonfly only wishes to help and love that butterfly  like it should be and dispel that hurt.

It wonders how can you get a butterfly that gave you chances and now won't take you back ?can you make a home, write a poem, or stay home alone wondering can you turn back time.....

It's still got a ways to go before its fully mature and experienced but it wishes to grow along side the butterfly as it too grows it's wings.

Can one day they build into what eachother needs with reckless abandon and learn to love one another the right way.

Just mere thoughts from a dragonfly.

Eating does not mean I am hungry

All the time

Sometimes Eating means just

Sharing a minute with someone

A minute where just the two of you sit next to eachother

And enjoy the moment of being together

This imaganition lives in mind I guess.

And like I know that there is no perfection

So there is no perfect breakfast

So there is no breakfast at all.

You start eating without the other.

You fill stressed by the fact that you have to eat.

Why is there no perfection?

Why seems everything difficult and upsets you?

There might be an explanation.

But also if someone will shout it in your ear.

You wont hear it.

Because you chose to be unhappy

…all by yourself.

Black dress,  white dress
Twin souls, twin sisters,
hold hands in the october sun..

both different, both the same..
on this day, a frog is caught..
they take it home..

they feed it, they take care of it
butterflies white, butterflies black..
sisters smile to eachother..

brown eyes, blues eyes,
sisters, twins
souls trapped under the october sun..

holding hands
blue and brown eyed twins..
are followed that day under the october sun..

One of them could have run..
but blue could not leave brown..
and thus they are together forever..

On the first day when I lost my mind to the cosmos.
I found myself in the body of a pig. With other happy fat hairy pigs around me.
Being naked felt natural. I did not feel the need to clothe myself.
I layed in the mud all day long, letting it harden on my skin; god did it feel good, like a spa treatment except I didn't need to pay a penny. I would come out of my mud hole during meal time, when food was dumped into the feeder. I did not care what it was, hell, it didn't smell that good, but I ate it all up anyway. It could have been **** for all I know. I was content with this simple life, until the farmer threw a rope around my neck, pulling me into a freaky looking house with sharp objects hanging from the ceiling.
He tied me to a pole, making me feel nice a comfortable, treating me like a family member, only then to shoot me by surprise. To him I was just a big fat sack of meat.

I awoke from my life as a pig and found myself sitting on a couch. I was drenched in sweat, mouth gaping like an open ******* from what I saw.
My friend tried to talk to me, but I did not understand nor know how to speak the language of humans anymore. All I could do was squeal and oink.
I stripped naked, got down on all fours and started rolling around in the garden's soil just outside my house.
I ate the flowers that stemmed out of the soil, as well as the weeds growing around them.
The neighbors reported me for public ******, so I was sent to a mental institute, where I was taught how to speak like a human again and act like one too.

I gained a new perspective that day.
I vowed to all the animals that I would never eat them again,
and begun my journey into only eating plant based foods.

Vegan food makes my poo hard!
It is so good for me!
This is the benefit of living a plant based life.
If only you wanted your poo to be hard too.

On the second day when I lost my mind to the cosmos.
I was a carrot, and I had a family of carrots.
We were all buried underground, we never saw eachother, but we felt eachother, they were all around me.
I didn't need to breathe, I didn't need to move, I just needed to sit there, absorbing the solar rays that shone upon my green leaves protruding from the earth's crust. All I saw was darkness, but all I felt was warmth. I spent a thousand happy years as a carrot, but that changed when the havesters came.
They plucked us from our homes, tore us from our families and siezed the children!
They then proceeded to chop us up into bite sized pieces and boiled us in sizziling hot water, causing our skins to peal. We would then be served to the hungry mouths of the harvester’s wife and children, crying out for mercy, but our pleas were not heard, for they only heard with their ears, not with their feelings, like us carrots.

I awoke and found myself sitting on the couch again. Suddenly I was choking. I put my hands around my neck. I had forgotten how to breathe. Spending a thousand years as a carrot would do that to you, because you don't need to breathe as a carrot. My friend rushed into the room, and showed me how to breathe again, showing me how to **** in and blow out, which I did.
I had also forgotten how to talk, and needed to go to school once again to learn, because apparently talking with feelings is not a language.

I gained a new perspective that day,
I pledged to all my carrot brethern that I would never eat another vegetable again.
From now on I would stave myself so I could return to the earth,
feeding all the plants and animals.
My body is their salvation.

By cutting that carrot you are cutting yourself.
By eating that pig you are eating yourself.
You may not look the same,
but what you all feel is the same.

---

To you this is ******, but to me this is salvation.
In order to survive, I must feed.
The life that is strongest feeds on the weakest to survive, it is how we stay alive.
Nobody says a snake is a murderer when it swallows up a mouse.
Nobody says a venus fly trap is a murderer when it devourers a fly.
So why am I labelled a murderer when I eat meat and plant life?
Life needs to eat life,
It is how we stay alive.
Life needs to eat life,
It is how we survive.

---

I passed through the knot in the infinite line of things. I passed through the biological mapping of the knot, escaping my limitations, becoming limitless.
It was here where I saw myself in the carrot and in the pig. I saw myself in everything, and I saw everything in myself.

i can feel the energy
building a body between us.

one that we will crush
and ****.

to lay buried in the sand
below us.

the waves will moan
licking all the life they move.

the seagulls
will fly inside of eachother
with nowhere else to go.

and the shore will touch itself
beside us.

our mouths are an ocean meeting.

our mouths are one ocean.

George was lying in his trailer, flat on his back, watching a small portable T.V. His
dinner dishes were undone, his breakfast dishes were undone, he needed a shave, and ash
from his rolled cigarettes dropped onto his undershirt. Some of the ash was still burning.
Sometimes the burning ash missed the undershirt and hit his skin, then he cursed, brushing
it away. There was a knock on the trailer door. He got slowly to his feet and answered the
door. It was Constance. She had a fifth of unopened whiskey in a bag.
"George, I left that *******, I couldn't stand that *******
anymore."
"Sit down."
George opened the fifth, got two glasses, filled each a third with whiskey, two thirds
with water. He sat down on the bed with Constance. She took a cigarette out of her purse
and lit it. She was drunk and her hands trembled.
"I took his **** money too. I took his **** money and split while he was at work.
You don't know how I've suffered with that *******." "
Lemme have a smoke," said George. She handed it to him and as she leaned near,
George put his arm around her, pulled her over and kissed her.
"You *******," she said, "I missed you."
"I miss those good legs of yours , Connie. I've really missed those good
legs."
"You still like 'em?"
"I get hot just looking."
"I could never make it with a college guy," said Connie. "They're too
soft, they're milktoast. And he kept his house clean. George , it was like having a maid.
He did it all. The place was spotless. You could eat beef stew right off the crapper. He
was antisceptic, that's what he was."
"Drink up, you'll feel better."
"And he couldn't make love."
"You mean he couldn't get it up?"
"Oh he got it up, he got it up all the time. But he didn't know how to make a
woman happy, you know. He didn't know what to do. All that money, all that education, he
was useless."
"I wish I had a college education."
"You don't need one. You have everything you need, George."
"I'm just a flunkey. All the **** jobs."
"I said you have everything you need, George. You know how to make a woman
happy."
"Yeh?"
"Yes. And you know what else? His mother came around! His mother! Two or three
times a week. And she'd sit there looking at me, pretending to like me but all the time
she was treating me like I was a *****. Like I was a big bad ***** stealing her son away
from her! Her precious Wallace! Christ! What a mess!" "He claimed he loved me.
And I'd say, 'Look at my *****, Walter!' And he wouldn't look at my *****. He said, 'I
don't want to look at that thing.' That thing! That's what he called it! You're not afraid
of my *****, are you, George?"
"It's never bit me yet." "But you've bit it, you've nibbled it, haven't
you George?"
"I suppose I have."
"And you've licked it , ****** it?"
"I suppose so."
"You know **** well, George, what you've done."
"How much money did you get?"
"Six hundred dollars."
"I don't like people who rob other people, Connie."
"That's why you're a ******* dishwasher. You're honest. But he's such an ***,
George. And he can afford the money, and I've earned it... him and his mother and his
love, his mother-love, his clean l;ittle wash bowls and toilets and disposal bags and
breath chasers and after shave lotions and his little hard-ons and his precious
love-making. All for himself, you understand, all for himself! You know what a woman
wants, George."
"Thanks for the whiskey, Connie. Lemme have another cigarette."
George filled them up again. "I missed your legs, Connie. I've really missed those
legs. I like the way you wear those high heels. They drive me crazy. These modern women
don't know what they're missing. The high heel shapes the calf, the thigh, the ***; it
puts rythm into the walk. It really turns me on!"
"You talk like a poet, George. Sometimes you talk like that. You are one hell of a
dishwasher."
"You know what I'd really like to do?"
"What?"
"I'd like to whip you with my belt on the legs, the ***, the thighs. I'd like to
make you quiver and cry and then when you're quivering and crying I'd slam it into you
pure love."
"I don't want that, George. You've never talked like that to me before. You've
always done right with me."
"Pull your dress up higher."
"What?"
"Pull your dress up higher, I want to see more of your legs."
"You like my legs, don't you, George?"
"Let the light shine on them!"
Constance hiked her dress.
"God christ ****," said George.
"You like my legs?"
"I love your legs!" Then george reached across the bed and slapped Constance
hard across the face. Her cigarette flipped out of her mouth.
"what'd you do that for?"
"You ****** Walter! You ****** Walter!"
"So what the hell?"
"So pull your dress up higher!"
"No!"
"Do what I say!" George slapped again, harder. Constance hiked her skirt.
"Just up to the *******!" shouted George. "I don't quite want to see the
*******!"
"Christ, george, what's gone wrong with you?"
"You ****** Walter!"
"George, I swear, you've gone crazy. I want to leave. Let me out of here,
George!"
"Don't move or I'll **** you!"
"You'd **** me?"
"I swear it!" George got up and poured himself a shot of straight whiskey,
drank it, and sat down next to Constance. He took the cigarette and held it against her
wrist. She screamed. HE held it there, firmly, then pulled it away.
"I'm a man , baby, understand that?"
"I know you're a man , George."
"Here, look at my muscles!" george sat up and flexed both of his arms.
"Beautiful, eh ,baby? Look at that muscle! Feel it! Feel it!"
Constance felt one of the arms, then the other.
"Yes, you have a beautiful body, George."
"I'm a man. I'm a dishwasher but I'm a man, a real man."
"I know it, George." "I'm not the milkshit you left."
"I know it."
"And I can sing, too. You ought to hear my voice."
Constance sat there. George began to sing. He sang "Old man River." Then he
sang "Nobody knows the trouble I've seen." He sang "The St. Louis
Blues." He sasng "God Bless America," stopping several times and laughing.
Then he sat down next to Constance. He said, "Connie, you have beautiful legs."
He asked for another cigarette. He smoked it, drank two more drinks, then put his head
down on Connie's legs, against the stockings, in her lap, and he said, "Connie, I
guess I'm no good, I guess I'm crazy, I'm sorry I hit you, I'm sorry I burned you with
that cigarette."
Constance sat there. She ran her fingers through George's hair, stroking him, soothing
him. Soon he was asleep. She waited a while longer. Then she lifted his head and placed it
on the pillow, lifted his legs and straightened them out on the bed. She stood up, walked
to the fifth, poured a jolt of good whiskey in to her glass, added a touch of water and
drank it sown. She walked to the trailer door, pulled it open, stepped out, closed it. She
walked through the backyard, opened the fence gate, walked up the alley under the one
o'clock moon. The sky was clear of clouds. The same skyful of clouds was up there. She got
out on the boulevard and walked east and reached the entrance of The Blue Mirror. She
walked in, and there was Walter sitting alone and drunk at the end of the bar. She walked
up and sat down next to him. "Missed me, baby?" she asked. Walter looked up. He
recognized her. He didn't answer. He looked at the bartender and the bartender walked
toward them They all knew eachother.

A duality of elan vital, two people
Spectres of emotion
Intertwined by a fuselage of bruised skin & tendon
Tissues become orbital, gushing towards grafts
Helixes of snot, **** and lymph
Boy & girl
As they embrace the animating principle and eachother, they fuse
A one piece tapestry adorned seamless with no hem, beginning or end
Always was, always is
Patiently turning to liquid as their being unzips
Lying figures of runny makeup and genetic *****
Quintessence, a texture of synaptic potential
Corpus Callosum
An entirety of self, lost in imbued disintegration
Theory of mind, looped & bound
I will water the thought
Roots envisaged in dystopian amygdala
Piercing data packets with a frost-like intensity
Forgetting our obsolescence moments ago
A neuron dipped in nylon
Theta waves and the non-euclidean crux of dissociation
Ghosts in the machine, your macro god
The sympathies of fractional distillation
Digitised/assimilated unto the nanosphere
Cold hands and brass backs galvanised in oscillated tears
Commodified, sold out and bought
Stretching, from purple, white and black
slowly losing its colour, amorphous in shape
brushed across a smudge, ambiguously chromatic
Monetised flesh god
An eternity bathed in starlight
Cutting an incision in the sky to allow entropy
Divided dimensions of energy
Fleeting and intangible
No longer a delirium of seperation
All semantics become light
As a rusted vehicle passes overhead
And all the worlds questions fade out of existence
Flutters of red tape and foregone growth of practice
Sinew flayed, integrated towards information
Our minds shared
In circuits and resistors
Photons and electrons
We radiate

I have, on my youtube, playlists of men.
kissing.

allow me to excuse myself, but it's not for fun and pleasure
it's quite the opposite, it's for my displeasure
but that's not entirely true.

I have them there
to remind me
that those men
will never be
me. I will never
Kiss someone
Hold someone
Love someone
like they do for eachother.

It's a feeling deep within my bones, a longing not to be ignored, a longing to hold and to be held. To kiss and be kissed.
to love
and be loved...
in a certain kinda way.

Her lips looked like something I would kiss,
Her hips swayed like something I would hold,
Hold my hands around real tight,
Because her body seemed to want me close,
For me to grind up to her to make her make a noise.

I could see it in her eyes as she looked into mine,
She didn't want anything more than her body on mine,
My body on hers,
Our bodies nicely wrapped around eachother,
In love, pleasure and pain.
It was not just a game,
It was love disguised underneath ****** lust,
It was trust disguised under not knowing eachother much,
It was compassion disguised under playing it rough,
It was three words hidden underneath sealed lips and ashamed ******.

She was raw beauty, and a lot more.
She was something the saints should adore.

We both
Died
To thy world
And was born to eachother..

Humans Are More Barbaric Than Any Animal,
Ever Could Be,
We Lie,
We Cheat,
We Harass,
We Play Little Mind Games,
We ****,
Practically Every Form Of Intelligent Life,
Including Our Own,
Nothing Is Ever Good Enough,
Nothing Is Ever Clean Enough,
Nobody Is Ever Talented Enough,
Nobody Is Acknowledged,
For Their Gifts,
Only Brought Down By Others Saying We Aren't,
Good Enough,
I Envy Animals Because,
Animals Are Straight To Eachother,
If They Dont Like One Another,
They Fight,
They Bite Eachother's Throats Out,
They Tell The Other To Leave,
And Never Come Back,
And They Listen,
But In Human Society,
You Have To Be Nice,
And People Put On That Fake Smile,
Tell You How Beautiful You Are,
Turn Around,
And Talk About What A Mess You Are,
You Have To Share With Them,
Invite Them Into Your Homes,
Pretend You Think They're The Most Amazing,
Person In The World,
Sometimes You Have To Be Nicer To The People,
You Despise,
Then The People You Love,
I'm Not Saying I Wish To ****** Anyone,
I'm Just Venting,
Because I Am Sick And Tired,
Of People Lying To Me,
Just Shut Your Mouth Already,
If You Don't Like Me Tell Me!
I Couldnt Care Less,
About Your Opinion,
Human Society,
Is A Mess,
Human Society,
Has Many Jewels,
But They Are Dusted Over,
From The Dirt Of The Morons,
Human Society,
Has No Natural Selection,
To Pluck Out The Idiots,
If You Ask Me,
I'm Tired Of These People Dimming My Sparkle,
And I'm Sure,
Many Of You,
Feel The Same Exact Way

Kiss my lips
Slowly,gentle and kind
Come and kiss my lips
You know we both suffer for eachother
And you know that i'd never do the first step.
So come and kiss my lips.
Make me feel loved,make me die in your arms.

I have looked to the night sky in my dreams many times.
Sometimes the stars are leaving.  
They shine brightly for a moment and then blast off into the universe..
This time the stars were chasing eachother..
I could see them..
It was as if the stars were childeren playing tag with eachother.
But then they noticed me looking at them..
They stopped for a brief moment..
Then faded into the darkness..
This strange beyond is reaching out to me..
Again and again..
I love it!!
Makes me feel at home!
Which makes me question..
Where is home?

Combining each thought and sharing a single mind,
while all living things rot, there's a darkness that can blind.
We believe ourselves are invisible, never worthy of a second glance,
and even when miserable, we all can receive a second chance.

Darling have you heard the story of the sun and the moon,
a love that was eternal, yet ended far too soon.
And even though opposite, they made the other complete,
as at night the Earth was moonlit and in day the sun brought heat.

And they were outlined by the stars,
forever lighting up their connection,
and in between came Mercury and Mars,
barely sliding by detection.
Yes it's truly a sorry and sad tune,
that old love story of the sun and the moon.

Shining for eachother and lighting up the world,
with a love that could smother and emotional tides always swirled.
Passing by and on the go, barely glimpsing a sight,
but the moon will always glow and the sun will always shine bright.

Darling have you heard the story of the sun and the moon,
with disaster so contagious, they were always truly immune,
and even though apart, they shared a soul together,
and they shared a heart, and they shared the skies forever.

And they were outlined by the stars,
forever lighting up their connection.
In the history books and memoirs,
there's some things they fail to mention:
they were both adoring and made the other swoon,
that old love story of the sun and the moon.

It wasn't well hidden; they danced a dance of pure seduction,
and they felt it was forbidden, as it would lead to their destruction.
So they kept their space, to give us both the dark and the light,
and now they rise and set as a race, it's competition and a fight.

And they were outlined by the stars,
forever lighting up their connection.
The constellations near and far,
tell the tale of their affection.
It may not be of glory, and it may just tell of ruin,
but we all should remember the love story of the sun and the moon.

I ******* need you. I need you more than I've ever needed anything in my entire life and I know staying with you even though you're in love with morgan will hurt me like a ***** every single ******* day, but I can't be without you, I can't. I can't ******* be without you. I just hope that you will try and that I can help you try to get over her, and that eventually you will. Even if it will take years. You're my world. I'm so in love with you. I don't know what else to do. You're all I have. You're all I want. I've never tried so ******* ******* a guy before in my entire life, and I'm not going to just going to throw that away. I can't be without you. I don't know if I can do this, I don't know if I will be able to do this, but I know that I can't be without you. I just can't. We have been through too much. And right now my goal, my only goal, is to help you get over her, so you can stop hurting, and so that you can be in love with me, the kind of love where you know you're in love with me. Not just thinking you are. I don't ever want to stop being your girlfriend. I really don't. You are my life. You've been my life for the past 10 months, almost a year now. And I know this makes me sound crazy, I know it does, but I don't ever want to stop being your girlfriend, with the exception of me becoming more than that. I love you. I love you so ******* much and I'm going to continue to ******* say it for I love you as long as I feel the need to I love you because I feel I love you the need to tell you I love you every second I love you of every ******* day and I've never I love you felt that way before about anyone. I just hope that you still want to be with me, even though I'm so crazy. And I'm sorry. But I seriously can't lose you... I refuse to lose you unless you absolutely want to break up with me, because I don't want to be crazy and make you stay with me. God I already sound crazy. I don't know what to do Lorenzo. I'm saying what I'm thinking and what I'm feeling but I'm scared it's going to make you think I'm crazier than you already think I am and that you won't want to be with me, but I don't want this to be another note in my phone that I don't send you. I love you. I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you im sorry I'm crazy my fingers just couldn't stop typing it because I just couldn't stop thinking it. I'm so paranoid. I just want to be with you. Just you and me loving eachother and no one else. I want that. I want happiness for both of us. I love you I love you. God I meant to stop typing this so ******* long ago and even though I'm doing this a text I might just email it to you because I know your phone will probably just keep vibrating all night because of all my parts of this message coming in. I'm sorry for typing so much there is just so much on my mind and I'm so sad and I can't sleep and I want you here so badly and I want you to tell me that you love me and I want you to hold me and kiss me and make cute noises when you look at me and I want you to lay on my tummy and just I don't know I feel that if I put my phone down and stop typing that you're so far away from me, but I feel that if I keep typing in close to you and like I'm talking to you even though I'm only writing a message to you, and not having a conversation. And then again I'm sorry this is so ******* long because I know how much you hate long things like this because you don't want to read them, but I really really really hope you read this. Or at least skim through it really fast, I don't know. Like I don't know why I'm even typing out instruction type things for how could read it when this is the end of the message, or maybe it's the middle, I don't know how much longer I can keep going but I feel like I can keep talking to you forever. But anyways why am I telling you that now when I'm not even sure if you will be reading this far? I love you so ******* much. I don't know how to explain it. I know I've said all of these things before but you know me better than anyone in the entire world, I've told you things that no one in the entire universe knows but you. And I love you. I wouldn't be typing all this out if I didn't love you so much. I know I really don't need to say it, because I know that you know that I love you, but I really just can't stop thinking it. I can't stop thinking it and I'm just typing down whatever comes to mind. I just want to spend time with you. I want to talk to you and cuddle and just hang out without any shows playing, I want to play batty cake with you and take pictures with you and I want to cook with you and make forts with you and I know how much you hate cheesy stuff like that by I like it because it makes me feel loved. I love you. I love you so ******* much and I'm sorry I'm saying it again but like I said I can't stop. I really can't. I have no idea how much more room I have in this message, but I promise I will at least try to stop once I can't put any more characters into this chat box. I'm already at 5183 characters, and I'm sorry this is so ******* long and that I'm repeating myself so ******* much but I want you here and I want to be there and I want us to be happy and I want to work as a couple for a really long time. And I want us to be a couple for a really long time, or at least for until we don't want to be anymore, but I can't think of when I wouldn't want to be. Talking to tonight about the kaylee thing and just talking tonight in general made me feel like we took a step forward in our relationship and that we got even closer than we were before, and we were already pretty close, but then this whole thing came up and I just don't know what to do. I want everything to be back to normal, I want us to be happy I want us to hang out everyday and I want you to tell me that you're in love with me. I know I'm crazy. I'm seriously so crazy, but I'm only crazy for you. I care so ******* much and I want to be cared about back and I want to be told I love you by you and I want to live with you as soon as we are able to and I want you here right now. I love you so ******* much. So ******* much and I'm so ******* broken now and I hope I don't die in m sleep if a broken heart because I want you here so ******* badly and I'm going to hold captain tyeddy beat all night and just cuddle him and cry myself to sleep and try my hardest to get out of bed in the morning, and maybe I will ditch school and walk to your house, because you're worth walking to. I'm sorry if some of this stuff doesn't make sense im getting tireder and tireder and I'm still so sad just please love me, I want you to love me and I want you to be happy and I want to be with you and I can do this even though it's gonna hurt I believe you can get over her if you really try. I believe that you can. I want to help you and I want you to be mine and I want to be yours and I'm so sorry I just don't want to stop typing this because I feel like I'm talking to you and I feel like if I stop that I will have lost you and I know I've said that already but I mean it and I'm so paranoid. I don't know what to do. I can't stop typing but I'm so tired and my eyes are so ******* swollen that I can barely see but I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you so much. Your my prince and I'm your princess. I love you. I love you I love you. I'm going to send this now, I hope you get it. I don't know. I'm going to send it as a text and an email just in case you can't get it on your phone because it is too long and I'm sorry about that. I love you so much I love you so much. Please reply when you get this and I'm coming over tomorrow to hang out with you as soon as I possibly can. I love you. You're my everything. **** I keep saying my goodbyes but I can't stop typing. I'm sorry... I will send it now. I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you and I'm sorry that I'm crazy, I love you.

For the way we treat eachother
There is no way
To say how we do these crazy things
Yet we’ll change our minds
For nothing more than diamond rings and earthly kings.

One day we love how we talk
And sing and walk
The next we try to look away
And walk on to another day

If we have a soul how does it know when to stop and to go
But if we never burn or glow
Then what are we then?
We are simply nothing and no one wins.

We are so afraid of how we feel
That suddenly we can no longer be real.
We’re turned into something, someone else
until the tension softens and melts.

So now we feel fine or
Ok
Or alright
And then eventually we begin
To fall
Because we feel nothing at all.

All just for the way we treat eachother
Maybe we forget we are all sisters and brothers
Yet brothers hurt sisters and sisters hurt brothers
We are so worried about our own hearts beat
We loose ourselves in our own tension and heat.

We should look outside ourselves and let the feelings flow.
Unless we want our souls to fade
Let’s show each other a better way.

I hung the sunflower
from a piece of twine
in my wardrobe,
some months ago now.

Something once beautiful,
a gift from you to me,
a symbol of us,
together

and the happiness we found
in eachother
as we grew and bloomed
together.

So I hung it in the wardrobe
to preserve it.
To keep it. To admire it.
To cherish it for as long as we could.

And yet despite my attempts,
this sunflower’s petals
fell to the wardrobe floor,
it’s head shrivelling, wilting.

What could I do?
but leave it there
for days and weeks,
suspended amongst the clothes.

But the longer I left it,
unable to face
what I knew I had to do,
the worse this sunflower became.

We cannot restore
life into something
dead
and decayed.

I sharpened my shears and cut both
the thin twine of the sunflower,
and the thin twine holding us
together.

The dead sunflower hanging in my wardrobe
becomes the dead sunflower
lying amongst its own petals
on the wardrobe floor.

I am left to pick up the pieces
of what once was.
It was useless to try to preserve
when all flowers live, then die.

Everything was very lucid, everything but the beginning.

Like the scene from Inception where she cannot remember how they got there I too had that same feeling.
Everything seemed normal at first but I quickly realised that the people around us did not notice us at all.
They did not even see us, like we were invisible.
My vision was seemingly blurry when I looked at the world and people outside the circle we formed standing together in a crowded park in the middle of the day, yet perfectly fine when I looked at my own body or two of the six other persons standing in the circle.
I picture it today like different resolutions.
Infact just like in the movie, I was actually dreaming but I did not know it at that time and there was no Di Caprio to explain it to me.

All I knew was that I was being chosen for something.
Something I have being longing for my whole life of confusion and wondering why, how and who.
I had no idea what that something was but I knew that I along with these people standing with me was finally chosen for something unimagineably great.
That intese feeling of relief that came with it was the most powerful feeling I had experienced to this day, almost like I knew that I would finally get to know the answers to the secrets and mysteries we all have been trying to figure out as humans
and after this journey all the suffering would stop and everything would be over.
I knew that the rest of the people felt a similar way even though, at that time, we had yet not spoken to eachother. I knew it simply by the way they reacted. Just like myself we were all surprised, overwhelmed and at the same time joyful.

I remember having a strong feeling of wanting / being chosen as a kid. Chosen like in Harry Potter being a the boy who lived, Peter Parker becomming spider man or Clark Kent realising he is superman, you get the point..

Apparantly a lot of humans have the same feeling and now I was living that dream.

After a few seconds of taking it all in I realised that only two of the six other people were visible to me. I knew there were six other beings next to me but only two was visible.
One was a male with dark blonde hair and trimmed ****** hair, looked like a regular swedish person in my age but nobody I recognized from my town. Then there was a brunette female also in her 20s.
And then there were four other beings who I had no vision of but I could somehow know they are right there and is a living being just like us but somehow way different.
I could "feel" or know that they were just as suprised as we were and had as much knowledge about the whole situation as we did.
I also knew that they could clearly see and hear us. An ability we did not possess as  humanbeings.

Some people would probably use the words "alien abduction" trying to describe the experience (dream) I had but I use the word "chosen" for the reasons I stated above.
Also at this point I had thoughts running through my head that these non visible beings was extraterestials but as I said these beings was going through the same thing we were, driven by a force much greater that both of us.

A "WOW" was the first thing that came out from the swede as we all aknowledged that reaction and let out a laugh, flabbergasted of what was happening. And so far we are only 1 minute into the whole thing and we are still in this circle in the middle of a crowded park.
Next thing we all got individually surrounded by this bright white light that would transport us to the next stage of the journey. Just like you would see in a 90s music video the light just appeared around us until we were covered in it and dissapeared from the park and appeared ... somewhere else.

At this place it was only me and the two other persons I could see, the swedish male and the female brunette. The other beings was at a similar place designed for their kind. I knew this because I would meet them again after this stage and find out.
I cannot describe this place but I'll try my best explaining what happened there.

The three of us would go through a dream like state one by one in our own personal dream, designed by the devine to be a test. In this test you would enter a dream where you play yourself from a memory from the past. It is hard to explain but think of it like the jumanji movie where they load into the game and become new characters with missions.
We were loaded into a dream where we play ourself and had our own missions within that dream to beat as a test to go to the next stage of the journey.

My test was up first.

I quickly loaded into this dream where I was myself as a kid in a very distant age of humatity. Everything was sand and stone and the only humans alive was the people in my tiny village in the middle of the desert. The whole vibe was egypt and sand dunes.
Even though I was playing myself in the dream I could also observe as a third person outside the dream, like a spectator and the others was watching my dream play out aswell but we could not affect anything in my dream, or "test" if you may, while just observing from outside the box.
I needed to play myself as a kid in this sand dune world and the others could actually load into my dream as themselfs to help me with whatever my missions was.

As you know with dreams there is too much unexplainable stuff going on but overall my dream test was a huge complicated maze I had to run through. In the end it led me to running up a stone staircase which spiraled around a square block of stone.
When I got to the top it was a simple stone building, a house made for worship where all the humans gathered at dawn to pray. Right outside the entrance to the house was a big block of stone, same sand dune colour. This stone was very important and I somehow knew it but I did not know why. I gave it a pat like a kid would do and my test was finished.
I did not have a certain feeling of knowing exactly what was going on or if I completed my test or whatever I was just going along in the journey for now.

Next up was the other male. His dream test was this anoying, mind boggling puzzle that took forever to figure out. We managed to do it anyway and last up was the female.
Her test was filled with agony, misery, anxiety, extreme sadness and anger. It was no dream I would ever want to go through again but we had to help eachother out to complete the tests together.
It was very important that we went through it as a split unit because if one failed we would all do.

After a traumatic experience with the females dream test we finally broke free and again got transported to another place.

This time we were traveling in the vast darkness of space. No spaceship, no suits just our bodys almost being dragged through space.
We were not feeling any force dragging us or felt like we were in motion but we could tell we were travelling because there was a single point in our vision that got bigger as we were seemingly getting closer to it.

Here is where I meet the the remaining "chosen beings" again, they were travelling with us but did not seem as fazed by it as we humans were. Atleast that was my understanding by "feeling" their reactions or "aura" or whatever.

We were travelling for around two minutes and I remember feeling uncomfortable as the experience flying through space was terrifying and not at all what I had hoped it would be.
I actually was so scared I almost started to panic as these two minutes felt like forever, until I saw that point we were travelling to getting significally bigger by the millisecond.
Faster than I could tell we were there, our point of destination for this stage. It was a big big cube made of unknown material just floating in space. The cube was transparent so we only saw a hollow plasma like cube and nothing else.
The cube had rounded edges and for size comparison it was pretty much a 10x10 Meter cube from the outside.

Once we floated inside this cube we could see that it was not what it seemed from the outside.

First of all, every single one of us got a mutual feeling of being home, this cube was a safe haven for us. We were protected in this cube and could feel secure.
There was so much space inside this thing like you wont believe, it was not really affected by time like we are here on earth. If we wanted to go to a private room we would immidietly be there, there was no time spent walking to that room.
If we wanted to relax on a couch we would already be in the same couch relaxing.
It made no sense but there was no questions needed to ask for us. We just intuitively knew how to use this cube for whatever our needs were.

One funny thing I remember was a lady sitting inside the cube at a office desk placed at the top left corner of the cube. As I first entered the cube, to me, she was sitting upside down at her desk with a full suit on and even a scarf looking like a calssy office worker.
She gave all of us a glance and a little smile before focusing on her typing again. Like she was a regular at this cube place and there was no big deal at all that seven beings, humans and ... non humans would visit this cube.

She was also human, well as far as I could tell she was fully human, we never communicated, just like we never spoke to any other beings at this place.
This journey was not filled with much communication as we people have here on earth. We all just knew what the other was thinking based on pure intuition. The cube was filled with beings but as we seven was on our own special journey we did not interact with anyone else and nobody else interacted with us.

We got to a room in this cube where we walked up to an altar looking thing. On this altar was a huge holographic monitor. The monitor (that was really just light) was showing a 3D model of the earth. It was a white light background and the earth was showing as black lines like you would draw the earth from space on a piece of blank white paper with a regular black ink pencil.
It was a problem though, everything was static, no motion, no life. We all were just standing huddled up watching this holographic monitor not knowing what to do or think as we did not understand anything.
This is when I stepped up to this altar holding the holographic monitor and again by pure intuition I placed my hand above the emitting lights and somehow grabbed one end of the "monitor" and flipped it to the other side like you would flip a page in a book.
Now we saw the same 3D picture of earth but it was a live feed and not static anymore. The earth was in motion and you could see the green colours of the land the blue waters the white clouds and everything else so beautifully. There was a live statistic upgrade on EVERYTHING you needed to know about the earths "health" if you may.
Like the temperture, oxygen levels, fertility in the soil, density of the mountains and everything else you can think of.
It was amazing to see and every single one of us felt the same way. We also all understood that the previous static earth we saw was one of many planets like earth used to host us humanbeings until the end of our test that was once active and in motion but is not anymore.

After this experience in the altar room with the holographic book monitor thing we all ended up back in the circle in the park we began at. Everyone knew our tests was over and we were about to join the devine, whatever that means.
We stood for a minute processing the whole journey we went through waiting for the next step.

At that moment there was very much information getting downloaded to my system.
I got to know that me and the two other humans represent the three dimensions we live and experience.
Each of us is representing a single string, a string that is the smallest possible form of matter that vibrates to to a beat. Our heartbeat.
We are one dimensional beings but together we live in a three dimensional world and our strings will together form the trefoil knot.

The other four beings is representing the fourth to seventh dimensions. Even though all dimensions is weaved into eachother, we do not possess the ability to see above our own dimensions but beings living in higher dimensions can see the beings below and actually live amongst them.
This explaied why I cannot see the other beings of course.

They still have a string just like we humans do but they are made up of different type of matter, different type of energy and live in a different type of frequency. This means that they had to tie their knot sepereatly from us humans, meaning they had different type of tests and live by a completly different type of rules we human beings do.

Together we had two knots symbolizing a total of seven dimensions of creation, A starmap for us to enter infinity and beyond.

The lights swiftly swooped in and surrounded us, nothing else mattered, we were ready to go.
One by one everyone got beamed up, the non humans was the first to go.
As one was beaming up after the other we looked at eachother with great humbleness and pride. The female was the last to go before it my was my turn but as she got beamed up it came to my knowledge that I was not chosen to get beamed up this time and my faith was to live the rest of my life here on earth like the person I was before all this.

I could only catch a glance of the females face before she got covered by the beam and I will never forget the look she gave me. A look that knows the great pain I was feeling and the responsibility I have to carry out among the people I live with now that I know what I know.
I think my heart stopped for a second as I felt so betrayed, left out, alone..

The seven strings was now only one, the other six existed only as a memory.

This is where everyone in the park could see me again, and I was standing there alone in the middle of spring with a leather jacket on that I used to wear in my 20s. It was a sunny yet windy and chilly day.
I knew that nobody would understand me or even believe me If i told them what happened. I had to struggle with the feeling of living until I die of "natural" causes and nobody would ever understand me.
It was depressing to say the least. I began to walk home through the park as a car stopped by me. It was my friends from real life, they yelled at me to jump in and asked what I was doing alone in the park.

I struggled to keep my tears in as I just shrugged and sat down in the backseat, listening to their endless, pointless normal life conversations as my thoughts wandered away to the journey I just experienced.

This is when I wake up and realise that all this was a dream and I took about 2 hours laying in my bed reflecting on what I dreamed.

To this day, years after the dream, I still go though the journey every single day, as a memory. I do not know what It means or necesarrily still try to even find meaning in it but it lives in my mind rent free.
I just wanted to write it down on paper and share it and maybe It will help me realeve some of the feelings I still experience because of this dream.

Thank you for reading.

as the sky closed daylight away
her magic box came out
a few loose threads soon wound themselves
into carriages fleet of foot on the forever road
delivering love and quick boys with
with stout hearts and steel eyed resolve
a few loose potions spilled and away flew mysterious birds
loosed upon the bright eyed world
free to fly high among soft clouds
a few magical words spilled out too
and thats when i found you
you were complete from the very beginning
you danced delicately along the sweet musics
and then you smiled at me
knew i was yours didn't you...you weren't wrong
now look at us
an enchantress made us in some long ago
to be here together
made for eachother with loves thread
made with passions potion's
for eachother forever
fly away with me now
lover sweet lover

You were like a natural disaster to our lives.

While we played in a field.

No warning.

You appeared...

You struck and we lay scattered on that field...

In tears.

Confused.

In pain.

Broken inside out.

No longer just children.

Victims to young to understand that we were forever changed.

To young to understand why we felt ***** and guilty.

The threats and fear, made us silent...

Fear and interrogation made me lie.

You left us in that open space forever, no matter where we went.

And our lives were taken...

Our parents were broken, because parents break when thier children are hurt.

And my lie...

My lie forever changed my protectors life.

My fear made me hurt another.

We were so young...

Some not old enough for school.

Our fear allowed the disaster to strike others...

Now as adults we know a new guilt.

But we were so young.

This very unnatural disaster still walks the earth...

Somebody gives this pervert comfort...

But we are forever changed.

Stronger today, yes...

But never again as free as before he stole our innocence.

This disaster turned our world upside down, and revisited us for years taking more of us each time he put his disgusting hands on us.

I'm not to religious, but I believe in God.

I have yet to know the reason for this, except that we are great protective parents...

And as I believe there's a God...

I know there is also a hell.

And while God tells us to forgive...

I have yet to forgive even myself for being so full of fear, because it allowed him to walk free and hurt us again and again, and others through time.

There is no part of us sacred or untouched by that evil...

No matter who knows our story, there's no person not even eachother who understands the depth of our individual torment.

The unfair torture of feeling an isolated, unexplainable, personal  taste of evil.

Like a natural disaster, he struck us down...

Children at play made victims of a child molester.

Survivor's!

Of a sick family member's distgusting taste for extremely young children.

We can't say we are ok.

We refuse to say you are anything more then a creature that has not yet met God's wrath.

And dare not say, you to know abuse...

Dare not say you found God...

God and abuse will find you when your six feet under.

I know I sin as I write this...

But to forgive...

As a mother myself...

Well that's it's not in me.

Do unto others...

Do unto others, that's how I live.

A** pple pie, freshly baked from the oven. I don't wait for it to cool, I want it hot, with a big greedy scoop of vanilla ice creams melting next to it.

B oys. Cute, querky, gross, crazy, but amazing. You can't stand them, but for some reason you need them in your life.

C ookies. Warm, fresh-out-the-oven, gooey choclate chip cookies.

D  is for dancing. Dancing in the rain with my eyes shut, screaming at the top of my lungs and not caring what anyone thinks. Just dancing.

E lephants. Strong, old, smart and beautiful creatures. Harmless yet protective.

F stands for foxes. More specifically fennec foxes. Adorable, small, cunning, cute and most of all, want by me!

G iving. Not just material items, but hope. Giving hugs, and smiles to those who need one. Also, For-giving.... letting go of the past and moving forward

H eartbreak. The feeling of no being able to breathe, not being able to speak, or make sense of everything without your "other half." Moving forward slowly, cautiously, because there are more around the corner.

I Me. The broken, yet strong; beautiful, yet self concious; smart, yet lazy teenager.

J is for Jenna, my first best friend. We aren't best friends anymore, but we still talk, and enjoy catching  up in eachothers lives.

K issing. I love kissing. I mean come on.... everyone does ;)

L ove. A strong, complex emotion which many guys lie about, and which I do too. I think I've only ever once loved my partner... all the rest I enjoyed...

M om. My mother, the woman who decided "I'm going to take the qwerky, adorable girl home to America with me and make her part of my life."

N is the first letter in my name. Natalka Hannah Evangeline Kmiotek.

O veracheivers. The people who make fun of me, because they can do things better then me, and everyone else. ******* all.

P erfection. Skinny girls with perfect *******, and big *****. No scars, and white teeth. the opposite of me.

Q uiet, as in I have to stay quiet or they'll hear me. Who? My demons of course. If I'm too loud, they will come for me and drag me back to hell.

R stands for two things. The first is **** A horrible word describing a nightmare you wish you could forget. It's being robbed of your first touch by selfish men, and being back into a corner against your will, forced to stay silent.

S is for strength. The strength to overcome, the strength to live, the strength to move on.

T hank you. To everyone who has ever been there and listened to me...

U nderstand why I cut myself. Why I hurt myself. It's easier to deal with physical pain, then the emotional kind. The emotional pain rots and festers inside me, destroying everything. It shuts my lungs down, forcing me to gasp for air.

V acations. Small escapes from your daily life, into something glamourous and relaxing. The warm sand between your toes, as the hot sun beats down on you. The cool ocean kiss the tips of your toes, cooling your thirst.

W hen will pain end? When will people stop being mean to eachother? When can I expect my child to be able to go to school and not be afraid of the other students? When will I be able to walk outside, and finally be able to say "I am safe," not having to lie.

X plain to me why people put others down? Why are there perfect models and barbies, telling us how we must look, how it's acceptable in society.

Y es please. Thank you. Simple manner, dying out, almost extinct. What happen to being nice? Or do we now, just take what we want? Expect everything, like the world owes us.

Z ach. He was my first love and my first heart break. With him, when he left, the floor caved under me. We were one of those couples that would break up, and get back together then next week. I guess you sould say we were crazy for eachother, but when he left, I guess I was the only one crazy. I was crazy enough to think he was ever mine.