The ball drops, it’s twelve o’clock
This a new year twenty-twenty
Pots and pans bang down the block
Celebrating new hopes for many
But shortly in, hope was crushed
When an outbreak came among us
To the hospital everyone rushed
About a new virus they made a fuss
What is this new virus you ask?
It’s called corona and it acts fast
We’re all told to wear a mask
And it seems that this too will last
That’s not all, there’s fires too
Australian woods are in flames
We think not much we all can do
And flip the channel to our games
What’s this? There has been a crash?
Kobe Bryant is down in his plane
The world is shocked, in a flash
They do all they can in his name
Next riots are sprung across cities
From the death of George Floyd
People chant all sorts of ditties
Meanwhile everything is destroyed
Shootings, explosions, and more fire
Twenty-twenty is spiraling down
Such little hope left to inspire
The people of your own town
A new president will carry hope
That we can turn this all around
All we have left to do is vote
And our lost year can be found
They say to prepare for the worst
But yet to hope for the best
Many believe this year is cursed
Twenty-twenty one, you’re up next

I lay in bed listening to the rain
Falling against my windowpane
Soothing but still I cannot sleep
All I can do is think and weep

I wonder when did I get like this
Constantly thinking of those I miss
Worrying about how I’ll end up
Draining the coffee from my cup

It’s 2 AM now I think think think
Further into myself I sink
My bed is cold filled with tears
Feel like I’ve been awake for years

Insomnia has gotten the best if me
My eyes are open I can barley see
The world is fuzzy through my eyes
Each night another piece of me dies.

they gave me shots
of ***** & whiskey
left my stomach sick
and behavior risky

they gave me joints
hit the blunt & ****
made my thoughts race
all night long

they gave me pills
to help my depression
being happy again
became an obsession

they gave me liquor
they gave me beer
with each burning sip
I lost another fear

they gave me cough syrup
it made my body relax
put me full speed ahead
chasing a high to the max

they gave me a line
of white to my nose
made my body tingle
down to my toes

they gave me drugs
they gave me wine
they told me without you
that'd I'd be fine

they gave me hope
but it was all a lie
I needed your love
you never said goodbye

they gave me a bottle
of what, I wish I knew
I'm an addict at the least
but I'm addicted to you

My dear I fell in love with you
blindly
You always treated me oh so
kindly
I would lay my hand gently on your
chest
Burry my head in your shoulder to
rest
Cup your cheeks and kiss your
face
You always had such everlasting
grace
But since those days the times have
changed
And for drugs my love had been
exchanged
You started to chase the ultimate
high
I was left alone in the blink of an
eye
You began to lose everything you
had
You were an addict, I went absolutely
mad
Nothing more important than your
dope
But all of this time I held on with
hope
That you could some day stop the
addiction
You were nothing more to me than an
infliction
Of pain, I was broken it was me you
destroyed
All you were was a crazy drug addict
unemployed
But I didn’t mind I was blindly in
love
I’ll admit it’s something I’m not quite
*proud of.

The girl who got made fun of,
The one who cut her wrist,
Her story finally took a turn,
And the ending has a twist

She’s not alone anymore,
She has no reason to cry,
Her story has a happy end,
She doesn’t have to die

The girl who was close to breaking,
And almost followed through,
Well she has a new perspective,
And it seems she likes the view

Her friends all came back,
To listen and understand,
They really do love her,
And want to lend a hand

But darling if it wasn’t for them,
This girl she would be dead,
Thank god they had saved her,
She’s got a bright future ahead

Now she's on the right track
Her head in the right place
and she's got a bright future
That I can see, it's in her face

Her eyes now they sparkle,
That spark will never fade,
Because now she has strength,
To put down her last blade

The girl who got made fun of,
Who once wished she was dead,
Her story finally took a turn,
She's got a bright future *ahead.

It’s like a broken glass you see
You smashed it on the floor
Shattered in a million pieces
A broken glass nothing more

You can try to fix it
With strong tape or even glue
But the cracks you’ll always see
No matter what you do

It won’t hold any water
Nothing inside it to fulfill
Because you have broken the glass
And that took a certain skill

Because it wasn’t an accident
You meant to break it
Just like you broke me
And the pieces will never fit

The glass is broken forever
Walking away just won’t do
Because even if you leave
The damage was done by you.

I am the broken glass
You shattered on the floor
Shattered in a million pieces
A broken glass nothing more.

watching you walk away
was like a bullet in my chest
you told me you wished me
nothing but the best

but how could that exist?
without the one thing I need
how can I follow
if you aren’t there to lead?

and who’s going to protect
me from everything bad?
who’s going to dry my tears
when I am terribly sad?

I bet you never thought
of that did you?
a bullet in my chest
it shot straight through

shot straight to my
still beating heart
took away my life
so away you start

off to be free of the burden
I was upon you
so you shot me in the heart
& it went right through.

You ask me why I’m dancing
You thought me to be insane
Could you not hear the music?
Or was it only in my *brain?

Monkey bars/Deep scars
Shooting stars/Chasing cars
Apple pies/Broken cries
Bright skies/Teary eyes
Birthday cake/Smile's fake
Easy bake/Heart break
Matching games/Lighter flames
Picture frames/Lovers names
Car seats/Lonely streets
Candy sweets/****** sheets
Mommy's hug/Addictive drug
Lady bug/ Shoulder shrug
Candy shop/Speeding cop
Lollipop/Tear drop
Play toys/White noise
The child enjoys/The teen destroys

Come out come out
Wherever you are
Give me your love
And another cigar
Come out come out
Quit hiding from me
Show your face
Boy let me see
Come out come out
Don’t get in the car
There’s nothing
For you at that bar
Come out come out
With another cigar
Give me your love
Wherever you are

My mom once told me
"Looks can be deceiving,"
Is that why you smiled
As you were leaving?

It pains me to see
That you're doing just fine
I crave your fingers
Running down my spine

I crave your taste
Your touch and your lips
The way it felt
With your hands on my hips

But you're okay
You're doing fine without me
You only crave
To finally be set free

I put your name on a rock
Sent it soaring in the air
I threw it at your house
When nobody was there

I broke all your windows
Throwing rocks and stones
It took all my might since
I’m all skin and bones

Then I took out my knife
Slashed your car’s tires
And hopped in the front
To mess with the wires

Next I sat on the sidewalk
And took out my lighter
Bent down to the grass
While fire burned brighter

Flames spread pretty fast
Almost reached your door
I watched with excitement
Just waiting for more

Burning against the dark sky
The house was almost down
It really was quite a sight
You could see all over town

I had destroyed everything
That ever belonged to you
But darling you destroyed me
So what else was there to do.

“An old love will come back to you,”
said my fortune on the table,
but does my fortune cookie know
that I’m emotionally unstable?

“Learn Chinese- Expensive.”
that’s the word my cookie taught
but does my fortune cookie know
I had to sell all I had bought?

“Lucky number 41”
the first number that was listed
the exact amount left in my wallet
now isn’t that twisted?

“Lucky number 5”
the number of deaths I faced,
does my fortune cookie know
they’ll never be erased?

“Lucky number 12”
the 12th glass I am drinking,
does my fortune cookie know
the drunk thoughts I am thinking?

“An old love will come back to you,”
that’s what my fortune said,
but does my fortune cookie know
my only love is dead?

Put my faith in a bottle,
                                        and watched it *drain.

her hair covered her eyes
her skin was pale
her fingers were shaking
her limp body frail

his arms were strong
his eyes a clear blue
he saw her struggle
knowing just what to do

he'd seen this before
in fact all too often
he wanted to help
for the shock to soften

he saw her scars
that lie upon her wrist
but something about her
he couldn't resist

he'd fallen in love
with the girl from afar
but can love ever fix
the wound from a scar?

She was only fifteen
A raving beauty queen
Longing for him to care
Wishing that he was still there

A raving beauty queen
To her, he was always mean
Wishing that he was still there
Trying to forget how he would swear

To her, he was always mean
A poor innocent girl only fifteen
Trying to forget how he would swear
Back into his eyes she began to stare

A poor innocent girl only fifteen
Wanted a love she saw on screen
Back into his eyes she began to stare
All because she longed for him to care.

If I never talk to you again
It’ll be too soon
I think of you every night
There is a full moon

I don’t think I could handle
Hearing your sweet voice
It’s been so long I forget
That you left me by choice

I dream about us being reunited
Under the stars each night
But I’m not sure there’s a chance
We could ever burn as bright

Because our love is behind us
It’s all in the past
Under the full moon
I wish to see you at last.

He came


He told me I was beautiful
So I felt as if it were true

He told me I was smart
So I studied something new

He told me I was his
So to him I belonged

He told me he would never leave
But that’s where he was wrong

He left


He told me I was ugly
So I avoided my face

He told me I was dumb
So I thought it was the case

He told me I was nothing
So that is what I felt

He said so many things
I ended up overwhelmed

How could such beautiful words,
& such hate come from the *same?
I don’t know how he said it all
But I’m done playing his *game.

"You aren't going to change your life forever because of me."
He said
But it is he who changed my life forever
I thought
"Because of me"
He said
Because at once you loved me, you mean
I thought
Key word being "loved"
because you don't anymore
"You aren't"
He said
As if you have control over me anymore
I thought
But he knows that still remains true
"Change *your life"
He said
Darling my sad excuse of a life was changed long ago
When I first met you
And got lost in your destructive eyes
That ripped apart my heart, tore it
"Forever"
He said
As if he truly does believe he will have an impact
F o r e v e r
I thought
Though he may be right, he cannot
Speak to me of forever
For it is not something he knows the meaning of...*

This is not a poem of shame,
nor a poem of depression
Just simply a poem I wrote
For him to learn a lesson.

H
   E

        S
           A
               I
                 D
                       *but I thought

If I told you I loved you
Then counted to ten
Would you run and hide
Or say it back again?
If I said one Mississippi
Covered by dark skies
Would you still be there
When I opened my eyes?
Or would you disappear
In the wind like dust?
I’m not sure of the answer
But in you I trust.

For you I was a chapter
A part of your life so brief,
You had no idea you stole
My heart so quickly like a thief

For me you were the book
I kept turning page by page
Never even imagining
By the end you’d disengage

Each sentence I read was delicate
Like a sweet melody of words
You and I were free to fly
As free as two blue birds

I thought the book would
Never end, and go on forever
But you shut the book tightly
And now my heart is severed.

You left me all alone
With just the pages to mend
Together my broken heart
Why oh why did it have to end?

if you steal, my friend
and you never get caught
does your stomach still ache
can you feel it knot?
if you lie, my friend
and the truth is never told
does it hurt your insides
does your blood run cold?
if you cheat, my friend
and she doesn't find out
do you expect her to love
and never feel doubt?
if you ****, my friend
and you take your knife
does it bother you to know
you took someone's life?
if you answer, my friend
the questions I ask
your true morals well,
shall be unmasked

loving someone with a mental illness is like falling in love with a deciduous tree. the tree remains still in the forest. it's always there but it's leaves are constantly changing. it's happy when it's leaves are a bright green, surging with energy, planning a trip, trying something new. when the leaves get tired they start to fall. turning from auburn to brown and feeling more and more useless the closer that they are to the ground. canceling the trip, losing energy, losing focus while laying there in the dirt. they can't get up. the branches are bare and it's cold. no matter how much love you show, it's leaves will not come back until just enough sunshine shines down. like sunlight through a crack in the window on a rainy day when they can't seem to get out of bed. eventually, buds will begin to form again. something beautiful wants to grow from all the love it has been given. in time it will blossom into something breathtakingly beautiful. so admirable that you can't take your eyes off of it. then you blink. and it all changes suddenly. the cold creeps back and everything you once loved is unrecognizable. you were like a deciduous tree...

I’m sorry that I loved you
And you never loved me
I’m sorry that I hurt myself
And you never could see

I’m sorry that you left me
That day out in the rain
I’m sorry that I hurt myself
To take away the pain

I’m sorry that I went insane
That I make myself bleed
I’m sorry that you ran out
Took the one thing I need

I’m sorry I was depressed
Drowning without you there
I’m sorry that I loved you
When you didn’t even care

I’m sorry that I just lost it
They finally took me away
I’m sorry that I’m stuck here
Being monitored by the day

I’m sorry I harmed myself
My love for you left a scar
I’m sorry that you stole my
Heart and kept it in a jar

I’m sorry that I’m like this
But I wish you’d love me too
I’m sorry that lately crying
Is all I can seem to do

I’m sorry for everything
All the damage that I caused
I’m sorry I said “I love you”
And that after that you paused

I’m sorry you didn’t say it back
I fell too fast, too soon
I’m sorry I memorized you
Your body like a sweet tune


But most of all my darling
I’m sorry it had to end
I’m sorry all you call me now
Is your crazy ex girlfriend.

I lay in bed listening to the rain
Falling against my windowpane
Soothing but still I cannot sleep
All I can do is think and weep

I wonder when did I get like this
Constantly thinking of those I miss
Worrying about how I’ll end up
Draining the coffee from my cup

It’s 2 AM now I think think think
Further into myself I sink sink sink
My bed is cold and filled with tears
I Feel like I’ve been awake for years

Insomnia has gotten the best of me
My eyes are open, but I barley see
The world is fuzzy through my eyes
Each night another piece of me dies

Today was the day I came alive,
I don't feel broken anymore.
A charming boy smiled at me,
he even held open the door.

You kiss too many
you're a *****
You don't kiss enough
you're a bore
You eat too much
you can't impress
But you don't eat
you weigh too less
You drink too much
you're a drunk
You don't drink at all
you're a punk
You're popular
you've got a clique
You show off
you're just a ****
You study often
you're a nerd
You fail classes
why that's absurd
You're going to be
something either way
They're always going
to have things to say
So whether I'm the
loser or the *****
I think I prefer not
to listen *anymore.

A conversation with my love on my anxiety:

"I'm afraid of everything"
"There's nothing to be afraid of"
"Even my fears have fears"
"Your only enemy is you my love"
"I cannot help but shake"
"I'll catch anything you drop"
"I cannot help but cry"
"Each tear that falls I will stop"

I look down.

"I know you're rehearsing replies"
"But my thoughts are all over"
"You must lighten your mind"
"You've got great composure"
"Baby quit being so insecure"
"I can feel their eyes on mine"
"They're only admiring you"
"It sends chills to my spine"

He tilts my head up.

*"There's nothing to be afraid of"
"But darling I'm so afraid"
"They're people not monsters"
"It's my instinct to evade"
"Soon this will be behind you"
"My heart is beating fast"
"Inhale, exhale, breathe slow"
"It's no use I'm an outcast"

Sometimes I have to take a moment
just to focus on my life
Because I know not a single struggle
is to be solved with a knife
You see there are much easier ways
to get through difficult times
I myself, like to write
I am at ease with my rhymes
When I find myself really struggling
or life's getting rough
I collect my thoughts on paper
that for me is enough
So if you remember anything dear
please remember this note
Nothing is to be solved with a knife
life was meant to be wrote

Step into my world & see what I see
Suit up in my armor & role play me
Once there, you’ll be shocked & alarmed
When you see him, allured & charmed
You’ll see my love through stormy eyes
Hold your ground, you may be surprised
For in my world, it is only him that is there
But, you’ll discover his love he does not share
He is the storm in my eyes, furious & surging
But, the fire in my heart continues my yearning
You’ll feel the way it jumps out of my chest
In my passionate world, not such a thing as rest
For I will not rest until his love does return
I’ve acquired to him watching me as I burn
From the fire within him I become impaired
He is a bit frightening, but don’t be scared
Just suit up in my armor, don’t make a sound
Take a walk in my world on my alluvial ground
It may be left destroyed from his endless rain
So try being me, I bet you can’t handle the pain
Though you'll have my armor big & strong
Darling even with that, you won't last **long.

it was my body
broken and bruised
that you watched in vein
as blood oozed
down my shaking legs
headed to my feet
my heart so loud
you heard it beat
you watched my body
bruised and broken
listened to every word
I had spoken
yet still you felt
nothing close to love
just watched in vein
from high above
it was my body
you tore apart
because you never loved
me from the start.

It’s as if you’re drowning
In a cold blue lake,
Your bottom lips shiver
Your brittle bones shake.

You want to come up for air
But my dear you can’t seem to move,
Paralyzed in this frozen lake
What have you got to prove?

Your eyes remain open
Just enough so you can see,
A man’s face at the surface
Leaning over on his knee.

You recognize the face
For it’s the one that you love,
It’s almost twisted the way
That he’s watching from above.

You want to reach out to him
To feel the very warmth of his touch
But my dear you are drowning
And his love is just too much.

Oh darling I know what you need
For him to teach you how to swim,
But he will only be the reason
That you drown, your every limb.

You’re gone now,
And there’s nothing I can do,
I want more than anything,
To run away with you

Just like a fairytale,
We’ll escape this town,
Where you’ll be my prince,
And I’ll wear a crown  

We’ll wake up every morning
By each other’s side
Ready to begin our life
To take on the ride

You’ll dance with me
Just like you used to
Only this time
pain will be through

We’re here together now,
I won’t have to be hurt again,
This my little fairytale,
At least I can pretend.

Never had I imagined
that the feelings that
came along with him
coming back, would be
greater than those of when
he left.

Depression is staying in bed all day
Knowing beside you the demons lay
Not having the strength to stand tall
Knowing if you get up you’ll just fall
It’s feeling alone in a crowded room
Like a wilted flower that cannot bloom
It’s sleeping just to get away from reality
Tossing and turning becomes normality

Not quite sure yet
What I want to be
But so much pressure
Just to get my degree

I’m young and free
Even crazy and wild
Don’t you even dare
To treat me like a child

Though I can’t help but think
Where will I be in 10 years?
Will I finally have courage,
to face my worst fears?

Will I still have my boyfriend,
who I’ve been with?
Do high school sweethearts
exist, or is that just a myth?

Should I go get drunk,
this weekend with my friends?
I got invited to another party
The fun never ends

Wait I’m kind of insecure
About my body and weight
Why am I still awake?
It’s getting pretty late

Yet I still haven’t started
Any of my homework
Who cares anyway though
I mean my teacher’s a ****

I’m under so much pressure
Because I’ve got to graduate
But you try being a teenager
In a world filled with hate

Overthinking killed the teenager
And that teenager is I
Overthinking every thought
And I don’t know *why

He looked at me
From across the way
I smiled because
I couldn’t help it
I was in love with him and
Nothing he said was a lie
I used to think
That love didn’t exist
But then I found out
Love is a beautiful thing
If you truly find it
He told me
He loved me and
For all these years
I was with him.

ringing ringing ringing
the phone off the hook
hoping hoping hoping
he’ll give back what he took

what he took is my heart
ran away with it
so I continue calling
it hurts, I’ll admit

when he doesn’t answer
and I hear that blessed beep
always in my head
even at night, counting sheep

the ringing never stops
for the phone is never picked up
and I continue to swallow
pills down, with water from my cup

they make me feel content
sometimes for just a moment
to help my bleeding heart
they’re just another component

I hear the ringing in my head
day and night it never stops
similar to the screaming sirens
heard when circled by the cops

ringing ringing ringing
making my ears bleed
the ring replaced by his voice
that is all I need

the sound in my crazy mind
the ringing of his phone
will he ever pick up his end,
or am I left alone?

I say your name in my sleep
I see your face in my dreams
My heart, just like bed sheets
Is coming apart at the *seams

I’m writing you this
With liquor on my lips
Wide eyes, hands shaking
Down to my fingertips

You won’t read any further
I’ve already accepted that,
Maybe your mind will change
Once you see your tires flat

I don’t mean to play *****
But I’ve got a bleeding heart
Your twisted lies were enough
To tear what’s left of me apart

You “never meant to hurt me”
It’s all you continued to say
“Don’t leave again” I’d reply
Though I knew you’d run away

I saw galaxies in your eyes
God I wish you believed I cared
Now you’ve gone to better things
And I’m the one left impaired

You see you were like the moon
Going through these phases
Always changing your opinion
Like it was hidden in mazes

I’m done looking for a solution
When it’s clear I won’t find one
But why can’t you look me in
The eyes and tell me we’re done?

You meant everything to me
And I tried hard to save you
I knew you were depressed,
Nothing we couldn’t work through

I love you and your blue eyes
Your stories and the laughs
But I guess you’re right my dear
It’s time we go our separate paths

I was hooked on you
Before knowing your name
Heard you loved to write
Chased your dream of fame

I wanted to get closer
Without fear or dread
Because your eyes lit up
With every word you said

They said you were a player
That every girls the same
But that didn’t scare me
I wasn’t new to the game

You see you were a dream
A girl should be scared to chase
So I got up the courage
To see you face to face

Then we started to talk
And you lead me outside
You saw I was into you
Although I tried to hide

You kissed me once
Right there in the street
Then again and again
In your passenger seat

I’m not one to believe in love
For its such a stupid thing
But God how much I loved
Just listening to you sing

I feel silly now for thinking
That we could ever be
I was always young for you
On that we finally agree

It’s funny, I never told you
That I write too, all the time
Guess you’re not the only one
That can come up with a rhyme

So as I sit back on the curb
And drag on another cigarette
I decide I’m glad I met you
You’re something I wont forget

I used to sing in the shower
Dance like I was in the rain
Watch all of my worries
Be washed down the drain

I’d use all the hot water up
The mirror covered in steam
So the bathroom was foggy
Like on a cloud, in a dream

I’d wash my body with soap
That smelled just of a daisy
So I was clean and sweet
Then I’d shampoo like crazy

I used to sing in the shower
But that was when I had him
When he left I was drowning
And he knew I can’t swim

So now I sit in the shower
No dancing like in the rain
Because each time I cry
And I remember the *pain

and then I realized
she makes you smile now
not me
all I'm good for
is making you cry
silly me
you found love in her
and lost the love
that you once felt
for me

Burn burn burn your love
For him and only him
Shining shining shining shining
Until the light goes dim.

Smile smile smile my love
Everything but a frown
Because because because because
I won’t let you drown.

Cool cool cool your love
For him and only him
Splashing splashing splashing splashing
Teach you how to swim.

Smile smile smile my love
It's not what it may seem
Laughing laughing laughing laughing
Life is but a dream.

there was once a girl so bright
the sparkle in her eyes never dull
she had everything she could have dreamed of
her life wasn't perfect
but with him as perfect as it gets
he gave her hope
that one day she would have her fairytale
herself the princess and him the prince
but not after long
the prince turned into a toad
he built the princess a castle of hope
only to knock it all down
he told her about this thing called love
the princess unsure if it were real
he taught her how to feel it
but didn't stay to make it last
the silly toad didn't know what he lost
but the princess lost something that day
the sparkle in her eye burned out
and she was sure they'd never shine again
for he was the reason they lit up

our legs hooked like the chain you wore around your neck
bound tightly, sticky, magnificently stuck

your hand gripped my thigh until I turned a deep blue
wounded slightly, discolored, spontaneously struck