Feeling sparks fly
In the dark tunnel waiting to let you out
It's happened once
And I've been waiting for it to happen again ever since
Let me finish the walk out of this tunnel
Give me one more spark
It's gone
They're gone
Let me see sparks fly once more
To get out of the ever so lonely hallway
Finding what I believe to be flint
And proving that instead it's charcoal
Crumbling away under my fingers
As I try to keep it together

Being happy
It's such a weird, foreign feeling
It comes randomly
And leaves just as easily
Yet at the bottom of it
There's always a set of people that bring it
They come by and it comes along naturally
Humans are made to be social creatures
But it's still crazy to me that I've found them
Those 3 that bring me that immediate happiness
Will it last?
Who knows maybe not but I'm happy to have it
Or at least in the moment
It will be these people that seem so ordinary
That I'll remember years into the future
My source of light even in the darkest times
A source of comfort to balance the danger

I'm staring at the clock
Waiting for the 9 to become a 0
Checking how much longer
Until I'm out
I sit here in silence
Typing away
The only sound being
My fingertips on the keyboard
I look again, the 0 is there
But now I long for it to be a 1
A never ending, vicious cycle
Minutes away from a freedom
That can only be achieved
After 7 hours in this hell

They sit
Two feet away from me
Spewing sh*t about friends
I don't turn
Staring at my computer
In a slight fit of fear
That my turn will be next
I know plenty about them
And they know me too
But who's to say
That even if I don't turn
I won't be next
They love to talk
Vouching on that their word
Won't be spread
It will

Is it ok
To fall for someone again
With no intention
To go far
Is it ok
To know that they have
Feelings for me
And advance on those
When I can't promise
Feelings back for long
Is it ok
To move on when I'm still so broken

Yesterday, I confessed
One last time
To the guy I once
Imagined my future with
He said no
But nonetheless,
That was the happiest moment
Of my life
I'm finally free
From the aching nights
Of will he want me back
And is he worth it

I miss you
The way you wrapped your tender arms around me
The way you looked at me when I was mad trying to find the answer in my eyes
The cold December nights where we laid cuddled up under blankets
The sunny spring days where we'd fall asleep under the shelter of the dark green trees
The humored voice you'd always use when telling me to not be scared of your mother
The way your eyes would settle on me as if I was the only one there

Im scared
Im shaking
Im trembling
How could I allow you to have so much control
Why are you still here
I want to leave you behind
Yet you lurk like a demon
Always coming when I least expect it
You come through your own accounts
Then move onto alternates as you stalk your prey
When I connect the dots to see that it's you
You leave, but only for a bit
You keep on lurking in the murk
Waiting for the perfect time to strike
Sending your friends to incite fear within me again
And it's working
I'm trembling
I'm shaking
I'm scared

I will never
Regret being your first love
But I will always
Regret not being your last

Please don't fall in love with someone else
That's what i've been wishing since the moment I saw you
But I can't even seem to keep you in love with me
So what right do I have to wish
That you won't fall in love with someone else

Yesterday and today
You got me thinking about you
Your blank glances
Your small comments on my games
Never would've thought of you before
But here we are
I steal glances at you
And you lock eyes with me as I do

In 5 years
No, maybe in 15
Will I be able to live in peace

In a forest far, far away
Lush green trees encasing me
Light brown birds chirping their morning songs
Bunnies with their dirtied fur hopping through the lawn
Fireflies shining their dim, golden light to show the way home

A warm fire cloaking a cottage in heat
A heavenly scent drafting out of the oven
Gentle, loving hands enveloping me from behind
Fluffy kittens peeking out from the woolen blankets
A soft orange glow emitted from the lanterns hanging above
A smile developing at the corners of my careworn lips

I'll be waiting
For this day
To come to me

I wake up
Heart pounding
Staring at a grey wall
I lay there in silence
A dull sting of nothingness
Capturing my soul
Eyes wide open
I keep on staring
Hoping to feel something
Alas, I never do

He used to be home to me
And now I have no home
I used to mourn that
Thinking that he was
The only home I'd ever get
But the funny thing is
Everyone moves from home to home
Some only need one to find the right one
Others need fifty to find one that fits
So why should I mope for years
When it's just moving from
One home to the next

I miss you
But I need to move on
Someone help me learn
How to forget someone
Who once was my world

You whispered them into my ears
Sweet nothings that I was too blindsided to notice
I giggled so hard not knowing what was to come ahead
I looked up at you with round hazel eyes waiting for the “I love you”
It came and again, I heard the sweet nothing
As you broke up with me you said “I still love you”
I believed it
I wanted it
I kept it
But again it was only a sweet nothing
I treasured us with my whole heart
But the relationship to you was only a sweet nothing

Everyone says that change isn't so bad
But what if it is
Being perfectly content and having everything taken away
For the sake of 'change'
Doesn't that seem ridiculous

I hate you
But I love you
And I miss you
Why must it be like this

If I write about love
Will it come back to me

It’s so mesmerizing
So cruel
But that’s what really
Puts it altogether
Don’t you think
The highs
And
The lows

I am Rain
I am unwavering
Sometimes overwhelming
I come and go as I please
I'll calm you down on dreary nights
And then I'll be gone in a glimpse
All I leave behind is a reminder
A warm rainbow to remember me by
But I am also Valya
I am struggling beyond belief
I am avoiding everyone
I cry as night comes
And I wake up with tears each morning
Yet I still smile throughout the day
I never stay in one mood
One moment I'll be as happy as can be
The next I'll be on the brink of death
Which one of these versions am I truly
Am I the one who brings joy, but leaves
Or am I the one who lives in sorrow, but pretend to be ok
Or am I both
Am I just someone who wishes to bring to others
Trying to bring them a happiness that will stay
Something I have not been able to fully achieve
Or am I something else
Because if I am what I say
Why do I hurt them by leaving
Why do I leave after I give them those memories
Why not bless them with more
Am I just afraid of ruining their day once more
I have no sense of self anymore
Only different fragments of a soul that is lost

Wake up
Go to school
Go home
Do homework
Go to the gym
Go to sleep
Repeat

I'm really uncertain about where to go
All of these different roads all glow
So which one is best for me?
Which one glows the brightest?
Is one glow meant for romance
The other meant for financial success
And a third meant for good grades
Will there be one to encompass all?
Or do I want the one that glows the least?
The one least threaded on
Would that be best for me?

I am waiting
Waiting for someone to treat me write
Waiting for someone to love me unconditionally
Waiting to feel safe
Waiting to feel like there will always be someone right next to me
Waiting for the day I can run into their arms
Waiting for the day I say “I do”
I am waiting for the perfect fairytale

You reminded me to have more self respect for myself
I am not an option
I am not meant to be used
Formally this is my way of saying that I refuse to be your toy from this point on
I am worthy of more