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Valya Oct 2021
Your status
"Very happy nowadays"
Do you know how happy
That makes me too
I'm so proud of you
For finding happiness
And I hope that someday
You can find it with me too
But if not that's fine
I'm just excited to see you thriving
I'm ecstatic rn from just seeing him announce that he's happy is this what love is?
Valya Sep 2021
I'm really uncertain about where to go
All of these different roads all glow
So which one is best for me?
Which one glows the brightest?
Is one glow meant for romance
The other meant for financial success
And a third meant for good grades
Will there be one to encompass all?
Or do I want the one that glows the least?
The one least threaded on
Would that be best for me?
So many different ways to go about life, yet there isn't a single one that i've liked enough to stay on :/
Valya Sep 2021
You see me now don't you?
You see a girl who's struggling harder than ever
But you also see a girl who's the strongest she's ever been
You see a girl who has worked on herself
And is still working
Getting rid of bad habits
And replacing them with new, better ones
A girl who can set boundaries
A girl who can say no
A girl who may be struggling with death
But is still choosing to fight her hardest to stay
You didn't think I could change
But here I am
The girl of your dreams slowly emerging
Flawed, but willing to invest in herself
It's amazing isn't it?
How you never thought I could change
But here I am blowing your mind
I'm getting rid of so many bad habits and even though it was already happening it's been happening even quicker recently and I'm so proud of myself even though I still have a lot of work to do this is such a huge leap
Valya Oct 2021
I breath in and out
Taking back control over myself
It's been a month since I actually started posting and I'm really happy that I did :)
Valya Oct 2021
Everyone says that change isn't so bad
But what if it is
Being perfectly content and having everything taken away
For the sake of 'change'
Doesn't that seem ridiculous
i have a very love hate relationship with change
Valya Sep 2021
I wait for your confident strut into the classroom
With your signature grey sweatpants and fit t-shirt
It's nothing special, yet you make it memorable
You start a conversation with the classmate next to you and I happen to overhear the conversation and chime in
You listen to my points and even beam at some of my remarks
Are my remarks that great?
I'm not so sure, but you make me happy that I said them
I steal a glance at times while you work on your classwork and smile to myself wondering how I got so lucky with the seating arrangements
Even though this will probably never lead to anything I'm glad to have someone to look forward to
Someone who I can smile with just for a second and then go on with my day
Hes cute ****
Valya Nov 2021
Yesterday and today
You got me thinking about you
Your blank glances
Your small comments on my games
Never would've thought of you before
But here we are
I steal glances at you
And you lock eyes with me as I do
Valya Apr 2022
I'm in a relationship now
But the emptiness persists
They lied
You can't have someone fix you
And can you even fix yourself?
It's just a list of riddles
With an endless loop of emptiness
Valya Oct 2021
Not ready
That's what you told me
Yet you're already dating someone else
Not even a month after
I feel like I should be mourning
But I think I dodged a bullet
You still call other girls for hours
Even though you have a girlfriend
You still cuddle with others too
So in hindsight thank you for leaving
You gave me temporary pain
For a lot more happiness longterm
So thank you?
I still hope you suffer a bit for the ghosting though
After all I am a petty *****
I'm highkey glad we didn't go far
Valya Sep 2021
Do you know that I wreck my brain every day
Not because of you, but because of the people who raised me
Do you know that I've been trying to get better
Not just for you anymore, but for me too
Do you know that I like you again
Something that wasn't unexpected but is insane
Do you know that you make me so happy
Just you waving back makes me grin from side to side
Do you know that I'm confident now
I can finally look at myself in the mirror without tearing myself down
Do you know that I'm trying to be the person who makes me happy
So that you won't have the pressure of being the only one again
Do you know that even when I'm at my worst mentally
I'm still a better person than I ever was before
Do you know that you're the reason
You're the reason I started to change for the better
Do you know that I'm so thankful
You gave me the push I needed
I'm genuinely so thankful for my ex hes made me into a much better person and i hope that someday i can show this person to him
Valya Feb 2022
Yesterday, I confessed
One last time
To the guy I once
Imagined my future with
He said no
But nonetheless,
That was the happiest moment
Of my life
I'm finally free
From the aching nights
Of will he want me back
And is he worth it
i'm so happy that the worst is over
Valya Sep 2021
I thought he was fixing me
My light at the end of dark
My own superhero to help me out
But in reality everything was a lie
He was filling up the cracks in my heart with dynamite
Waiting for the moment to blow it up
Leaving me shattered all over again
He was not fixing me
Valya Sep 2021
That’s all I have left to say now
I don’t know what’s left anymore
Are we even still possible?
You started it yet you won’t end it
You keep me in your little spindle
Spinning and spinning
Not quite letting me go
Just using me as much as you can
Are you even using me anymore though
My texts are left on delivered
This time I have 10 hours and counting
Why can’t you just man up and look at them and reply
Is it my fault or are you the *******
You told me you liked me so I allowed myself to hope that you’d be mine
Yet so shortly after you ignore me
I wonder to myself if it’s on me
Yet I can’t think of a single reason
Maybe this is all I am to you
An easy girl who will let anyone step on her
Little do you know you’re just crushing the empathy I have
I took time to understand you
To understand how you act and why
To understand your situation that was so horrific
To understand how I could best help you
It seems however that I was just a toy for you to play with
I don’t even know how much more I can say to you anymore
I think the only thing I can keep saying is
I wish you'd reply
Valya Sep 2021
Can I fall with grace
Can I admit defeat like that instead
I want to flail my arms
Kick my legs
Do anything to fight back against this
But I don't think this battle
Is one for me to win
So can I end with grace
I don't think I have a chance with him again and even though I want to try so so hard I just don't think it's possible so can I just end it off in the prettiest way possible as compensation for my torn heart
Valya Oct 2021
I hope today you can truly celebrate yourself
I'm so proud of how far you've come
And even though I don't agree
With a lot of your actions
I'm still happy that you've been able
To make yourself happier
We might not be together anymore
But I'll always have this fondness for you
So happy birthday to my first love
I hope everything plays out the way you want it to
You're turning 17 good job im really really proud of you <3
Valya Oct 2021
He used to be home to me
And now I have no home
I used to mourn that
Thinking that he was
The only home I'd ever get
But the funny thing is
Everyone moves from home to home
Some only need one to find the right one
Others need fifty to find one that fits
So why should I mope for years
When it's just moving from
One home to the next
I've come to realize that home does not have to be one person from the past we can move our homes
Valya Sep 2021
You reminded me to have more self respect for myself
I am not an option
I am not meant to be used
Formally this is my way of saying that I refuse to be your toy from this point on
I am worthy of more
I won't allow you to step on me anymore. I know that I will find better.
Valya Sep 2021
I'm scared
I'm so terribly scared
I've become a nightmare
A nightmare to deal with
Even I can't handle myself
So how will anyone else be able to
I don't want to be left alone
But I'm a monster
I can't even control my emotions
How much longer will this go
When can I be free
I just want to be normal again :/
Valya Oct 2021
I hate you
But I love you
And I miss you
Why must it be like this
I still love you so much,,, why cant you just look at me one more time so we can have a second chance
Valya Oct 2021
When will I be free from the confines of my brain
Is this only a temporary setback
Or is this a permanent problem that will linger
My therapist is almost 100% sure that i have bipolar disorder and I'm so scared :/
Valya Sep 2021
I'm laughing
But am I really
I feel so dead
So bleak
It feels like I'm on autopilot
I don't even feel happy
I just feel numb
I wanna be able to laugh again without feeling like it's not me actually laughing :/
Valya Oct 2021
Why is it
That every time I try to move on
I end up liking you more again
Every time I think I've found someone else
You pop back up into my mind
Everyone's telling me to let go
But it's so hard
Sometimes it feels like I'm going to grow up like one of those aunties that never got married cause they were stuck on their ex and now just live with their pets lol I wish that I could see the future for my love life sm
Valya Oct 2021
It’s so mesmerizing
So cruel
But that’s what really
Puts it altogether
Don’t you think
The highs
The lows
Idk I’m feeling everywhere rn so here’s a poem on that owo
Valya Oct 2021
If I write about love
Will it come back to me
if i write about you
will you come back to me too
Valya Oct 2021
Tears stream down my eyes
As I realize that yet again
I am back to square one
Will I ever be able to get out of this loop
Or is this the life that I will be
Forced to live
The changes in emotion hit me so hard each time and it's slowly killing me...
Valya Nov 2021
I will never
Regret being your first love
But I will always
Regret not being your last
Valya Oct 2021
I miss you
But I need to move on
Someone help me learn
How to forget someone
Who once was my world
I just wanna move on :/
Valya Mar 2022
Is it ok
To fall for someone again
With no intention
To go far
Is it ok
To know that they have
Feelings for me
And advance on those
When I can't promise
Feelings back for long
Is it ok
To move on when I'm still so broken
Valya Oct 2021
I wake up
Heart pounding
Staring at a grey wall
I lay there in silence
A dull sting of nothingness
Capturing my soul
Eyes wide open
I keep on staring
Hoping to feel something
Alas, I never do
the effects of anti-depressants seem to only remove my emotion they do not help me smile
Valya Oct 2021
In 5 years
No, maybe in 15
Will I be able to live in peace

In a forest far, far away
Lush green trees encasing me
Light brown birds chirping their morning songs
Bunnies with their dirtied fur hopping through the lawn
Fireflies shining their dim, golden light to show the way home

A warm fire cloaking a cottage in heat
A heavenly scent drafting out of the oven
Gentle, loving hands enveloping me from behind
Fluffy kittens peeking out from the woolen blankets
A soft orange glow emitted from the lanterns hanging above
A smile developing at the corners of my careworn lips

I'll be waiting
For this day
To come to me
Valya Oct 2021
Will it ever get easier
Can you tell me if we ever have a chance again
I still care for you so deeply
And I've tried getting rid of these feelings
More times than you could imagine
Yet each time they come back stronger
Is this what love will be for me
A path that I once found and kept
A path I once walked with you
And now a path that I will have to keep walking
But this time alone
It truly feels like you aren't affected by the breakup and it kills me to see that on so many levels i'm happy that youre doing better but I just wish you cared a bit more
Valya Nov 2021
Please don't fall in love with someone else
That's what i've been wishing since the moment I saw you
But I can't even seem to keep you in love with me
So what right do I have to wish
That you won't fall in love with someone else
please dont have someone else waiting for you...
Valya Sep 2021
My life used to be one click away
One computer in my room
I open a tab
I open a game
My life was now finished for that day

I grew pale from this
Sitting inside with my life locked in a screen
My only friends: strangers on the other side
Were they even friends though?
No, I don't think so
It felt safe however
Only one click to start my life out
And only one click to end it

Sometimes I miss the way it used to be
I realize now however, that life is not meant to be just one click
It's meant to be thousandths of movements in thousandths of different ways
Movements that come from my eyes
Movements that come from my legs
Movements that come from my arms

Life's meant to be something that is always changing and never the same
It's meant to be running around in the rain as I slide and fall all while I laugh away my worries for the day
It's meant to be chasing the bubbles that some stranger's child is blowing
It's meant to be lying down on my towel at the beach and resting my eyes for a second as the warm summer breeze passes by
It's meant to be jumping into my loved ones arms as I see them for the first time in weeks
It's meant to be something that I can look back at and tell my grandkids about with pride

Life online was just a baby step towards this much bigger scheme
A scheme that could only be fulfilled by being fully human
Not a machine that takes one click to power on and off
Ive taken a lot of time to realize that a lot of my time online could've been spent making actual memories outside and sometimes it saddens me, but at the end of the day I'm still very thankful for the time spent online as it has taught me so much.
Valya Oct 2021
My head is spinning
Everything's running loose
I can't remember the last time I won
I've just been failing all of my mere tasks
Am I going to plummet even faster
Or will this just be the rock bottom
I climb up from
I literally have 1 good grade ffs and my love life is in shambles and like so much other **** and i just hate life so much rn
Valya Oct 2021
Will someone show me love once again?
Will anyone be so kind as to take
A broken soul and help them back up
Is that a tale that can still be told for me
Or will I be stuck with the
Stream of tears that row down my face each day
As my only companion
A painful reminder of my failed attempts
At a perfect love before
Can I have a time that is different
Can those next tears shimmer instead
And lead me to a happier future
One that teaches me what unconditional love is
I just wanna see what unconditional love is in a romantic way
Valya Jan 2022
I miss you
The way you wrapped your tender arms around me
The way you looked at me when I was mad trying to find the answer in my eyes
The cold December nights where we laid cuddled up under blankets
The sunny spring days where we'd fall asleep under the shelter of the dark green trees
The humored voice you'd always use when telling me to not be scared of your mother
The way your eyes would settle on me as if I was the only one there
waiting for the impossible
Valya Oct 2021
Life is pink
Pink flowers, pink leaves, pink people
How could I not love all of this
Everything is accented
Even the dew hints at pink shimmers
And you,
You SHINE in this pink glow
How could you ever do anything wrong
When everything you do seems so right
And the pink glare hides anything I wouldn't like
So I get to live in my perfect pink fantasy
Hopeless romantic thingz???
Valya Sep 2021
Wake up
Go to school
Go home
Do homework
Go to the gym
Go to sleep
I dont have time for anything anymore i hate it sm
Valya Mar 2022
I'm staring at the clock
Waiting for the 9 to become a 0
Checking how much longer
Until I'm out
I sit here in silence
Typing away
The only sound being
My fingertips on the keyboard
I look again, the 0 is there
But now I long for it to be a 1
A never ending, vicious cycle
Minutes away from a freedom
That can only be achieved
After 7 hours in this hell
When the day comes
That I no longer stare
At this digital *******
And instead enjoy what is around me
I will finally be at peace
Valya Mar 2022
They sit
Two feet away from me
Spewing sh*t about friends
I don't turn
Staring at my computer
In a slight fit of fear
That my turn will be next
I know plenty about them
And they know me too
But who's to say
That even if I don't turn
I won't be next
They love to talk
Vouching on that their word
Won't be spread
It will
idkkkk ranty time ovo
Valya Sep 2021
I am waiting
Waiting for someone to treat me write
Waiting for someone to love me unconditionally
Waiting to feel safe
Waiting to feel like there will always be someone right next to me
Waiting for the day I can run into their arms
Waiting for the day I say “I do”
I am waiting for the perfect fairytale
I just want the loving romantic relationship that my parents could never have. Its proving hard to get, but tbh that makes me want it even more
Valya Sep 2021
I just want somebody near me
Someone’s heat to share
Someone that will stay with me
I did everything to try and find that someone
And yet again I’ve failed
When will I ever win at this
Valya Jan 2022
Im scared
Im shaking
Im trembling
How could I allow you to have so much control
Why are you still here
I want to leave you behind
Yet you lurk like a demon
Always coming when I least expect it
You come through your own accounts
Then move onto alternates as you stalk your prey
When I connect the dots to see that it's you
You leave, but only for a bit
You keep on lurking in the murk
Waiting for the perfect time to strike
Sending your friends to incite fear within me again
And it's working
I'm trembling
I'm shaking
I'm scared
ong she needs to leave me along
Valya Sep 2021
You tell me to go to you if I'm ever feeling lonely
I know you mean well
I know that you're saying this so I'm not close to attempting again
But that won't solve anything
I don't want to leave because I feel lonely
I want to leave because I feel dead
I don't enjoy life
I haven't enjoyed life for the past 6 years
Whats the point of living in an empty shell?
It was never about being by myself
To be quite honest I expect to be by myself
It is about how tired and dull life makes me feel
If I can't live it for myself then what's the point
Please, stop telling me to live for you
Instead teach me how to live for myself
That's the only way you can help
I love you
I love you, but please remember that I only want to live for myself not for you
Valya Sep 2021
We're strangers
Yet why does it feel like I can tell you anything
I feel so calm in the midst of this call despite only meeting you seconds ago
I have so much fun and even though I know this is temporary something in me doesn't care
Even if this will only last a day I am so grateful for your presence
Thank you stranger
Tbh i love the random duos I get online to death, they help take my mind off of so much and i'll forever be thankful for each and every one of them
Valya Oct 2021
A one way glass
Of me looking at you from time to time
Seeing you go down a different path
While I'm stuck on this one
Alone once again
dewherfwuyewio imagine being stuck on ur ex while they have prob moved on lol couldnt be me oh wait it is
Valya Oct 2021
You whispered them into my ears
Sweet nothings that I was too blindsided to notice
I giggled so hard not knowing what was to come ahead
I looked up at you with round hazel eyes waiting for the “I love you”
It came and again, I heard the sweet nothing
As you broke up with me you said “I still love you”
I believed it
I wanted it
I kept it
But again it was only a sweet nothing
I treasured us with my whole heart
But the relationship to you was only a sweet nothing
Just an old poem that I thing encapsulates a lot of relationships (including mine) well :3
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