As a child
I quickly learned that if I blinked several times
and took a few deep breaths
I could stop myself from crying whenever I wanted
and it worked
From child to teenager
no one had ever seen me shed a tear
and I saw this as my own power
to hide my weak self from others
I could be strong
and benefit from my own shield
but it also made me seem detached
with the ones I cared for the most
I feel that one day It’ll happen
I will burst into tears after years of waiting
but I fear
If I start crying
I just may never stop.

No one will be there save you
whenever you please
or listen
with sympathy

They smile when you fall
Hidden by masks
they laugh
but hide away
should you choose
to stand again

And you will stand again
because no one can ever hurt you
as long as you are there
to save yourself

In your despair
you survive
wrapped in pain
no one could ever comprehend
and no one could save

You jumped
and yet here you are
bearing a gift
to ease the pain
of stranger sitting across from you
with tear stained eyes

You fill the world with light unknown to you
brighter than any darkness
and you do not mind
that thanks comes in the form
of an endless stream of tears

Your story
Your name
If only I knew
before it was too late
I would have treasured
every hour spent
in the cold and quiet
hospital room

And now
You fill my mind
With every crevice
you live on
and I live
for you

How foolish
that my reason to live
another day
comes from a small gift
from the stranger sitting across from me
with blood on her wrists
and a warm forgiving smile
on her lips

Who would ever know
that all the thanks I have
would belong to the golden heart
of a broken stranger

No longer
do I find joy
in the faces I see every day
and the voices I hear
around me
Looming clouds
have altered my vision
and now
nothing here is my own
and I do not live here
and I am not of this town
Perhaps all I had
was never mine to begin with
and now
I am lost
in a sea of doubt

The smoke does not bother me
any more than
the burning flesh
The scars will heal slowly
beneath my clothes
and I will turn my head
the other way
should anyone notice the ash on my skin
or the limp in my stride
because they are the only things you have left to control me
and I will heal
and I will move on
After all, like pain
you are only temporary

It burned me
from the center of my core
I know I am changing
weather I choose to or not
You lit my fire
My insides danced
I changed
You watched the fire burn my skin
and I watched myself change
Into someone I didn’t know
When the fire came over me
When I was forced not to care
looking on at my burning body
I emerged
I was not the same
I will never be the same
and you lit my fire
and you watched me burn

A young she wolf is born
Scorched fur of molten lava and heated coal
Flames consume her path
She leaves a soot trail
Ember eyes shine the spark of life
The animal instinct to hunt
And so she will hunt
Through the hell that surrounds her
The hell she creates
A paradise of flames
“The Fire in this Wolf lives”

After receiving a box of matches
I counted every single one
Traced them with my finger tips
Breathed in the scent of future ignition
Closed my eyes
And set them all on fire

Listening to the thunder
the rain
the stories my mother tells me of our dark past
the music
Reflective.
Nostalgia.

If these streets could talk
they would whisper
holding on to the memories
Keeping them as silent as possible
but sharing them
to all those who
Listen.

The beating sun
chose not to burn me
In my hour of need.
The dancing flames
did not scald me
Through my sadness.
The fire within me
bonded us together
Lighting my fire
and
I
burned
brighter.

It wasn't my warm body against the cold bed
the subtle creeping darkness,
the sound of the rain against the window pane,
or the sound of my own breathing
that kept me awake
on a night like this.
But the constant reminders
of what I could have done
what I should be doing
where I should be.
I now understand
to achieve my dreams
I must be
Anywhere
But
Here.

Forgive Me
For not noticing your glances
As I passed by
Or truly understanding
The depth of the words you offered

On days when I needed comfort
You supplied an abundance
Treatment of the greatest standard
Never given much in return

Forgive Me
For changing your views
Altering
your bright flourishing dreams
into a shadowing reality

For it seems
I had learned
to love
Too late.

Sitting here
on the steps
no friends
no family
Just sitting here
Boxes stacked
books
clothes
movies
photographs
Where can they go now
no time to worry
no time to think
Just sitting here
on the steps
Holding the boxes
Staring at my life
so neatly placed in cardboard boxes
stacked on the steps
So many years of life
and all to show for it
boxes stacked on the concrete steps of a place I once called my own
Just sitting there

Pity.
Merciless ways of the universe
befall such a young one
Such innocence left behind
Forward darkness
Onward bound
Sink into the grieving soul
of the one lifeless girl in the white silk dress
So lovely were her words
So delicate her flesh
Seep through the wounds
grief upon the lifeless girl of blushing pink and milky white
She foolishly thought she could love another
when she hadn't yet learned to love herself.
And now she rests
Leaving behind a crimson dress
and the words on her lips.

I am at war with this water.
I understand its use in this world
I adore its beauty
the feeling
the smell
yet I lash out to it.
I fear I’ll be swept off to drown
to die trashing
as an injured animal.
But most of all
It serves as a constant reminder I have not grown.
As much as I portray myself to be strong
calm
and collected.
I am still the small child terrified of water that I once was all those years ago.
Every time I feel despair and pained from this world
I am drowning on the inside once again,
with no one to notice
no one to help
while I slip away into the darkness
never to be seen.
It seems as though I cannot escape the water
No matter how far I run from the sea,
The water travels within the darkness
and sinks right back into me.

It seems as though my simple path has come to a fork in the road
Now all that stands is choice

Where do I go from here
with no map to guide me
no compass to take me home

The signs lay askew on the trail before me
Offering no help
no direction to take to free me of my ultimate frustration

Forgive me if I ever think to turn back
from fear of losing myself more with this clouded mind I own and hollow choices I make

Which path can you take
If you are already lost.

How many reasons left did I have
to wake up
When the reality I witnessed
fell apart all around me

The final stages of youth
reveal themselves in the shadows that creep across the schoolyard and beyond the pathways I took every day without fail

To feel beauty fade in the cruelest of ways
Ripped away from me
before a chance could be given to restore itself in the town I would soon foolishly call my home

Among the many I hold so close
Decaying friendships
Abandoned parks
Rusted buildings
The memories are all that remains the same

Days pass
or maybe it was years
I could never quite tell
All I could ever be certain of was my loneliness
And the feeling that all would never be as it should
From now until the end of time

As far as the stars go
As many times I lie to those who ask
If I am asleep
It will never compare to the distance I bear with this heavy heart.

The burdens carried
along side my bed every night,
gazing at the night sky
I wonder if you have eaten
What you are thinking about
How many times you forgot your keys

The simple answers I wish I knew
and would forever keep close to my heart
If only to lighten the burden and somehow keep you closer.
But the moon holds no answers
and your phone will continue to lay on the table next to your body in slumber

I
remain awake
alone
through the autumn night,
In quiet conversation with myself
Hearing your voice answer,
but seeing only
the dark sheets below me
and the starry sky above me.

If I pray hard enough
radiation from our advancements
will destroy me
from the inside
For I would rather parish
than bring a life into this world
of distopian future
bearing no love
no shelter
or legacy
to carry on

To live long enough to apologize
for giving a life away
and offering another soul
to the crumbling world
around me
would simply leave me
broken beyond repair

If I pray hard enough
let me parish with my future sons of war
My conscience will not allow me to live or die
by leaving another life to a war
and simply fading away.

The hardest farewell ever made will give the most peace of mind.

You can only batter that which has already been torn apart for so long before it simply dies
No rebirth
No healing
No second chance
It dies.

All those who watch point their boots towards better lives and move on
one less person to worry about getting in the way

Now that it is gone they can focus on themselves
and life will go on
days will pass
Children to adults
Jobs and families
moving ever forward to reach their innermost  joys

The dead ones sleep silently
tears ceased
All that holds close are the remnants of memories
Scattered like breadcrumbs to the birds

The girl has died
and once again life goes on

If the universe was told how sacred promises were
Would the world comply?

The truth shown though the people,the streetcars, the buildings and homes

Nature itself would refuse its mask                                                
and the rain forever falling for the grief it once hid
as it wishes to send us all away

The world, an everlasting misery of the purest honesty
Piety and Mercy
Benevolent gifts
becoming more and more
a survival necessity

Could living in a truthful darkness
be more powerful than existing
amongst a vibrant lie?

I welcome the rain
like a long lost friend
who left long ago.
Offering no goodbye
because
no words were needed

I hold it close
as a mother her child.
wrapped in fleece
comforted
to the sound of a heart beat

I walk away
as a old lover does
to the only one he ever cared for
Loving whole heartedly
as time had run its course
and with a sad smile
turned away

I breathe
I live
And I will live to see the rain another day

Simplicity

The creaking chairs
two mugs
-cream, two sugar
The coffee stains on the table
I refuse to clean
no matter how many times
I catch you staring at them

Inhale my words
Exhale your thoughts
Billowing sweet smoke around us
Closing in

Conversations put off
far too long
and I wish I could say more
than I had said before

But your cigarette is worn to the filter
And my mug remains empty
The smoke covered sky
Darkens our words

Maybe next time
I will wait for my coffee to cool down
before I drink
Maybe next time
You will bring enough cigarettes to share

Until then I’ll keep my words close
And keep my mugs
as they are
And hope you’ll return to talk
another day

Down
where the rusted taste on my tongue
Is all that remains of what treasures are kept in my veins
Breaking free
holding the warmth
the haze
and salt water
Counting the heart beats

Grasping at the surface
too far down
Filling up with
The warmth
the painful haze
and the bitter salt
Reminded one last time of the beauty of living
the beauty of life
A thousand breaths
A thousand cries
A thousand thoughts
The essence of time
wasted away

All goes cold
And I am free

Blurred Images dance
on the walls

No matter how many times
I ask
They refuse to do anything
but share my company

Blurred shadows dance
And I
the rejected soul that I am
will follow
blindly

For like them
my love is uncertain
beautiful
and tragic.

The brilliant do not cry
do not fail tests they take
or fall over every obstacle in their path

The intellectual never worry
never stay up late to wonder
If their lives are worth keeping
or quicken their breathes
when they are told to answer

The clever refuse to back down
to allow harsh realities
to get the best of them
or lose faith

The sharp minded cannot falter
cannot hurt or blame themselves
for every wrong doing
or desperately seek the worlds approval

hopeless girl,
in lonely despair
You will never be

                                    You will never be.

Complexity and pain
sheltered away
Born of water
So calm and mysterious

Piercing waves
Engulf
with each icy blow
Born of fire
will never return
such pain

For in all the realities lived
and all the chances offered
to melt the ice
and condense the sea

Spreading flames
to all the misery
all the resentment
being free of torment
is a life never to be lead

As far as the greatest of opposites go
Fire and Water
Knowing of the harrowing truth
that each vexed action
will keep them farther apart

In the end
The fire
in its passionate desire
will burn again
with no limitation
and the sea
in its mysterious beauty
will remain still
and alone
with no warmth in sight

I am sorry
if this came out of nowhere
since I have witnessed my worst fears
become me

I have nothing
that can be used
to keep you around
to make you happy
to stay with me

Leaving now would save myself the pain
of being left alone
and save you from the weight
You have carried on your shoulders for so long

I believe that when a human
has moved on once
He is capable of doing so
again
for life has a way of dulling the pain
over time

In the long run it was always a better choice
to save
yourself
For I
am not worth
your saving.

I cannot promise to shelter you from the world
but I can shelter you
now
On the cold autumn nights
In my arms
keeping you safe
from your inner demons
for now
and hope
you hold these memories
In your pockets
for the turn of seasons
When I leave with the wind
once more.

The streets now are empty
Every time I walk the path
where I met my friends
rushed to work
fell in love
sneaked home late

The wind blows harder than before
opening my coat
Exposing me to the cold
inevitable truth
That life is ever changing

Everyone has moved on
And here I stand
On the path
Where my memories lay
in the past
where I feel safe
where nothing is prone to change
and I remain
afraid to take the final step
Away

Now and then again
I remember
when I was young
And thought
kindness and virtue
were the keys to happiness

But the harshness of the world
built the calluses
that keeps me alive
today
Refusing to accept
the goodness of the everyday man
And I wonder
have I really grown

Crowds of the
happy
successful
loved
and
        there
                     I
                           am.
There for myself
supporting myself
loving myself
I am my own shoulder to cry on
and person to turn to
Because after all
I
am
all
that
I
have
all that will not harm
all that will not leave
all that is permanent
and certainly
all that will remain.

Time has taught me
to hide all
that makes you human
Hiding your pain
thoughts
opinions
and fears
away
from prying eyes

Time has taught me
when one suffers
they suffer
alone
proving humility
to never show it
or else face accusations
of being prideful of sadness

Time has taught me
not to want
ask
or beg
for things which cannot be changed
things to not break
or people to not forget

Time has taught me
to smile
for everyone but yourself
giving in to life’s flawed designs
surrounding us
and to simply fade
Into its depths

I am not quite there
to answer
when they ask
where I am going
from here
Confusing those around me
and making delays seem more
as pleads for help
than what they truly are

I am not ready
to pick myself up
and set a course
for bigger and better things
and do not wish for your hands
to force me up
out
and about
to do all that I cannot do

I belong down
where I can delay the process
another day
and begin again
when I decide.

Man of Solitude

In utter silence
All known is gone
flesh and blood
no more than memory
living seclusion
day after day
no concept of time
outside your own world
no perception
besides recollections of bygone days

What goes through your mind
with each passing year

What keeps you sane

What do you live for
when all you ever knew
has been taken away

These cold nights
when the rain hits hard
is when I miss it the most
When the wind sighs
and shadows creep over
When I see your face
You surround me
with warmth
with love
The feelings rush through my veins
Closing my eyes
This moment instilled in my mind
will remain with me
on these cold nights
when the rain falls in mourning
Despite my longing
Despite all desires I hold
I know
If I ever see you again
it’ll be too soon

I have realized
the world is a lonely place
In our homes
jobs
schools
preoccupying our minds
People come
they learn with us
they grow with us
We live
laugh
love
and move on
With the world at our fingertips
no matter the hundreds around us
or the ever growing bustling crowds
nothing can be done
to remedy us
from the fact
that though we can try until the end of our days
we will always be the most alone
In our minds

Time has been passing
a  little slower
and walks home
a  little quieter
than what had been before

Words have sunken
a little deeper
and thoughts have lingered
a little longer
since last we met

I cannot place this blame
upon you
nor can I upon the sun
that chose to rise
despite my wishes to hide away
amongst the gloomy grey
of the storm clouds above

But rather
all can be traced back
to me
clinging to all that has been
for fear of all that will be
without you.

You can remember
or you can forget
In your mind
I can stay
in my own cozy nook
or become no more
than the dust upon your shelf

Although I have become fond
of existing in this world of chaos
hand in hand
your decision
is your own
and you
must invite me in
first

I can breathe life
into your world
Or I can take
all life away
Now you
must decide
If it is worth it
for me
to stay.

As much as I want to pry
into your mind
and hold your arms
around me
In hopes
they will stay put,
I can never be

the one who enjoys your favourite records
your black and bitter coffee
and your old tattered novels,
that simply cannot be me

I cannot admire
black and white photographs
or inspire you
with my thoughts
and actions,
so it seems
As much as I want to surround myself
In your favourite thoughts
and memories

As much as I want to
I will not remain
with them
and will not remain
with you
and it is now
that I see
It is now
that I am free

Though we cherish our good memories
in the brightest parts of our mind,
it is the bad ones
hidden in the crevices
that take up the most space
in our minds
The ones we play on repeat
day after day
searching through the sadness
for something
to explain the feelings we hold
The ones that seem to swallow us whole whenever we are left alone
in the solitude
of our minds
If the good memories are kept so dearly,
why can we never escape
the grief we hide
so carefully
in our minds

Truth is
every time
I remember
you exist
in the same world
as me
I become lost
a spiritual sickness
closing in
I cannot breathe
I cannot move
I wish you were here
but
I wish you were gone

All at once
It all happened
and I’m scared of how exactly
I will go on to handle
each and everything wrong
In my life
and with you as my constant.
I’m afraid to push too hard
and send you away
farther than before
But maybe I'm over thinking
as I do when I'm afraid
I’m sorry if I sound like I'm losing my mind
I guess I never knew the essence of friendship
or true love
until the risk of losing it
was ****** before me

Faster now
The window blurs
and the rain
grey and somber
All alone
the train goes on,
but here
In my seat
looking out
In the rain
All slows down
to each steady breath
I close my eyes
and pretend
It really is
as I hoped
Wishing time went as slow as the rain
While the train speeds on
and my tears
falling at a slower pace
I look forward
and time
slows down

I once fell in love
in the bustling train station
with the endless stream of people
The carts rushing past
The trains struggling to match the anxious speed of those around them
Here
I see faces
kind
sad
worried and ecstatic
If only for a moment
I share with them
and just
like love itself
brief and beautiful
an instilled moment of nirvana
and then
with the crowds
It ends
leaving on the next train
out of town

I have never finished
anything
I have no accomplishments
or set goals
so why am I
laying down in bed
bathed in the warm glow of candlelight
all alone
smiling to myself
How is it I can go day by day
laughing louder
and walking slower
than the driven man
Perhaps the answers cannot be found
in your goals or possessions
but in self satisfaction
I am aware I exist
amongst friends
family
and unique individuals
I will pass every day
and that in itself
Is enough.

Holding on
to those we love
exposes absolute weakness
as a pure surrender of the soul
To entrust your entirety
in another
is so marvelous
so delicate
to believe
another human
can take all of you
hold on
and never
ever
let go
Such a promise
we so willingly make
to those we cherish most
reminds me
of how beautiful we are
How miraculous can the universe be
allowing us to see the whole world
in other human being
in a personal
paradise.

Has it really come to the point
where the raising of your voice
brings forth no fear
the words forced out
wont cause me to flinch
and the idea of you walking away
doesn't make me panic
like it did
so many months before

Maybe my emotions
have been used up
to the point of where
I can’t feel
or maybe I just lost sight
of what I really need

Then again
maybe you did.

I wish I hadn't emotionally invested myself
in anyone who could make me smile
believing every word said
and falling apart every time they left

I know the older you get
tends to change the way you see people
as much as that terrifies me
beyond belief

If only I could stay naive
and love all those around me
without getting hurt
every time
Instead of growing up
to watch the ones I love
drift farther away